How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Author: Laurie Pawlik-KienlenPublished: Oct 10, 2006
If you're a people pleaser, you can't say no without feeling guilty. Here's 3 ways to balance your needs with the needs of others and how to stop being a people pleaser.
People pleasers tend to take responsibilities that aren't theirs, such as doing the dishes at home or preparing reports at work. People pleasers can't say no without feeling guilty. They don't know how to stop being people pleasers.
To stop being a people pleaser, know how it starts
Sometimes people pleasers are expected to fulfill a need or a request that hasn’t even been made. Or, people pleasers step in and take responsibilities that aren’t theirs to begin with. Instead of jumping to fill a need, it would be healthier for people pleasers to say no without feeling guilty. To stop being people pleasers, they need to figure out where healthy boundaries begin and end. To stop being people pleasers, they need to say no without feeling guilty.
Knowing how to say no without guilt is a common problem for women, who are frequent people pleasers. Here's how to know if you're letting people trample your boundaries - and how to stop being a people pleaser.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: Find Your Motivation
What's holding you back from saying no without feeling guilty? To learn how to stop being a people pleaser, it may help to look at your life objectively. For instance, I get up every morning at 5:30 am to make my husband’s oatmeal and set his lunch out so he can catch the 6:30 ferry to work in Vancouver. He’s never asked me to do this; it’s a choice I’ve made since the beginning of our marriage. I actually like doing it because it helps him, and after he leaves I write for a couple hours before I get ready for work – so it’s one of those win-win’s. I do it because I want to, which makes me feel I'm in control. I don't struggle with saying no without guilt in this area.
However, the thought of washing his oatmeal container when he comes home, or making his lunch, or ironing his clothes – all of those “wifely” tasks make me want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish (an Anne Lamott pearl of wisdom!). If I let myself be responsible for those chores I’ll feel angry, frustrated, and suffocated, not to mention bitter and resentful. Learning how to stop being a people pleaser involves insight into your own emotions.
Stop Being a People Pleaser: How People Pleasers Can Set Healthy Boundaries:
Saying no without feeling guilty is a huge way to stop being a people pleaser.
To stop being a people pleaser, make choices. The trick is what you “let yourself” be responsible for – and you do have control. You can and should exercise your power of choice. If you choose to meet someone’s needs out of love or compassion (eg, I could give up running on vacation to ease my fellow traveler’s mind), then your boundaries aren’t invaded – and feelings of anger, frustration or resentment shouldn’t come into play. If they do, then you need to check your motivation. Instead of getting mad, practice saying no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need lots of practice!
To stop being a people pleaser, gain self-knowledge. Get and stay in touch with your “I’m not comfortable” feelings. If you feel bitter and resentful when you agree to take on extra work at home or work, then you need to be honest with the people involved. It's not their responsibility to protect your healthy boundaries; it's yours. Find another way to accomplish the task, and/or give the responsibility back to its rightful owner. I knew complying with my friend’s request – not exercising on vacation – would make me angry and resentful, so I didn’t quit running on the street. It wasn't easy but I said no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to know yourself.
To stop being a people pleaser, have courage. Saying no without feeling guilty can be difficult, especially when it involves people you love, work with, or have to travel with for another two weeks. But if saying yes makes you resentful or bitter, you need to learn how to say no without guilt – and you don’t have to explain why or offer excuses. A simple “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that,” will do. Ignore your guilt! I told my fellow traveler that I understand her concerns, but I really need to keep running for my physical, mental, and emotional health. People pleasers need to stand up for themselves. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to be strong.
To stop being a people pleaser, you must make conscious choices, dip into your self-knowledge, and have the courage say no without feeling guilty. Knowing how to stop being a people pleaser can be difficult, but it's better than feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy! Your relationships will be better in the long run -- and so will your mental health -- if you learn how to stop being a people pleaser.
If you found How to Stop Being a People Pleaser helpful, you may also enjoy: