Psychology

» scott700 - Past & change

Hi

Im 27 Ive been dating a girl now that I met a work for almost a year now ( she is 28 ). She is one of the most loving and caring of people i have ever met she is always there for me when im feeling down and is always complimenting me basically she is perfect however.....

When she was 17 she got involved in drugs, nothing to heavy like heroin or Cocaine etc. but still. She also dated a big time drug dealer 14yrs her senior during this time, who used her and he ended up being her first sexual experience. This all lasted about 7mnths before her parents found out. This is really hard for me to undrstand because i have never taken a drug in my life and know hundreds of other girls that are repulsed by this guy. So then why was she so weak. She says she has some father issues but thats just to easy an excuse to hide behind, or am i being to harsh?

Secondly about 5yrs later she was seduced by her boss also 14yrs her senior who was married with two kids and they had an affair for almost 3yrs. Him and his wife were seperated at the time and he was promising her the world but couldnt leave cause his wife would take the kids etc. anyway to cut a long story short she knows it was a mistake and wrong, but how can you keep making the same mistake for 3yrs?? she showed the hight of selfishness by not thinking about the third parties feelings, granted she was the one that ended it after growing a conscions and he did continue to persue her which she ignored. But if she can do it once she can do it again!

Thirdly and lastly after all of this, she dated a guy about two
years ago and fell pregnant totally by accident, when the guy found out he left and she found out he had been cheating on her with her best friend. This finally brings me to my question, she realised this was karma and what goes around comes around after being with a married man in her past she was now alone as a single mother. She did the whole forgiving herself for her past mistakes and writing everything down thing and after having her baby has become an better person. DO/CAN PEOPLE CHANGE

Ive wanted to break up with her many times but know ill regret it the next day because she has done nothing to me, but be a perfect girlfrind and all i do is run her down and constantly bring up her past, bringing her to tears with some of the things i say and i fell awful about it afterwards and it makes me so angry beacuse i have no control over it, you cant change your past ( but if you do it once can do it again )Also in some weird way feel im entitled to make her suffer more for her past.

What do i do
Signed confused

-- posted by scott700

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» Aurae Beidler - Past & change

In response to Past & change posted by scott700:
Wow! I think you need to look to yourself, and ask if you can overlook the things of her past. As she has done nothing to you, I believe that people can change. I'm actually writing a book about my own personal experience about changing my life around. I don't want to share too many of my personal experiences but I know what it's like to make big mistakes in life, similar to your girlfriend's, and actually change to become a totally new person. I found that my mistakes were made because I lost sight of God, and did not know who I was myself. I think many women do the same thing.

I tried so hard to tell my now husband about my past when we started dating. But he told me, my past is my past. It's my business. And if I am a new person, starting over, then why bring up the past? I am honored to have such a supportive mate. It's amazing what a little respect can do. He loves who I have become, the new me.

I really hope you can trust that she has changed.

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» Helen Brain - Past & change

In response to Past & change posted by scott700:
Scott, your girlfriend does need to change - she needs to heal. We choose partners who reflect out own level of maturity and wholeness, and your relationship sounds unhealthy and destructive for both of you. There is no such thing as a perfect girlfriend, and you are idealizing her.
She keeps choosing men who are bad for her. People repeat their patterns again and again, until they address their woundedness. Until she does this she is doomed to keep getting into destructive relationships - and so are you - and this one is destructive to you because you feel bad about yourself in it.
Your gut is telling you to break up, but your guilt tells you to stay.
You both need to get help from a therapist to untangle yourselves and either to work on this relationship or to avoid making the same mistake next time round.

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» Jill Browne - Past & change

In response to Past & change posted by scott700:

Scott, good for you for recognizing your own behaviour and impulses.

What you describe - the desire to belittle your girlfriend, the feeling that you need to be an avenger for her past behaviours - is hardly the basis for a strong and loving relationship.

If you are really into exploring this, why don't you talk to a psychologist yourself? Not because you are sick or bad or anything like that! But because you are curious about your own behavioural pattern and perhaps by exploring it with a professional, you might make a breakthrough in your own personal development.

Just a thought.

I am a pro-exploration sort of person and I think that studying behaviour is very interesting. Please don't be put off that I suggested it - I repeat that I am not saying there is something wrong with you. I'm just saying, you opened up an interesting avenue and I bet it would be rewarding for you to explore it with a professional.

If you think you would be happy with this woman as a life partner, then surely an investment in making the relationship as good as it can be, would be worth it.

And if you cannot tell whether she is "the one", again, some investigation might help you steer your course, one way or another.

Best wishes,

jill

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» Aurae Beidler - Past & change

In response to Past & change posted by scott700:

I think the suggestions to look for therapy are great. My husband and I did pre-marital counseling, which can be done for couple who are only dating too. During our counseling, we discovered that there were things I needed to overcome myself, even though I thought I was over them. Although, I would not do anything to hurt my partner, there were things in my past that I had just covered up and had not healed. They were things that could hurt me. Perhaps your girlfriend would like to go too. I think counseling is a great solution to dealing with relationships.

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