Psychology

» amphib10 - Depression and suicide

I wanted to come somewhere to be frank about what I am going through and to tell someone my story. I have attempted suicide several times in my life I started at a young age in an abusive house, a lonely kid, angry, destructive, proned to self mutilation, I guess because I wanted attention, I wont get to deep because I could go on forever. My last suicide attempt was 9 months ago and I have'nt stopped thinking about doing it again, the mental prison im living in is killing me. I got sober 9 months ago and stopped using, I am in recovery 9 months total now, I am homeless and trying to get help, I have no family, my dad passed away in front of me when I was 11, and I had little or no emotions at the time, I have friends that are terminally ill and I dont have emotions about it, I hate who I am so much that I dont seem to care about anyone. 9 months ago I took alot of painkillers, whisky, cocaine, and several bottles of over the counter drugs, at the time I was sleeping in my truck and said to myself it was time to go, I was so messed up I felt my heart stop, after that I blacked out, I dont remember when I came to, but when I did the ringing in my ears was really bad, my body was drained, my kidneys hurt,I was spinning, I could hardly pick myself up, I slept for 3 days in and out under an old smoke stack in the middle of the city, I could barely move or talk, it was all giberish, all I remember doing is crying for god to let me go, and why was I still alive, Im still mad that I failed and still mad at god for letting me live. Im not good at writing but I think people can get the jest of this, I'm here this morning because I want to try agin, truthfully I want help but I am tired of jumping through bueracratic hoops to get it, Thanks to George bush jr. treatment and help is harder to come by, I felt like blaming him right now, when the reality is Im depressed, penniless, living in a storage container, I have a chronic lung condition from all the cold nights, my backs messed up, I wake up with my knees swollen so bad some time I cant walk. I manage to get up and go to meetings and thats about it, Im tired of this life and the people around me, and Im shocked Im still sober it wont be much longer feeling like this, thanks for letting me vomit my story out!

-- posted by amphib10