Psychology

» maha86 - depression seriuosly affecting relationship

Its been a while since i have written on a forum like this, but i would really appreciate any advice that you can give me. Although my story is a major long one, i wont bore you with all the details. I'll try include ,main stuff so you have a good idea of the situation.

Im 21(22 in Oct) and bf is 23(24 in May). We have been together for nearly 5 years, on and off in the 2nd year due to some issues ( related to his depression, long distance relationship and another girl)

He has been suffereing with depression for 4 years,, spent about 1 year self harming, smokes cannibis everyday, doesnt drink tho, has developed anxiety and panic attacks, has sever back problems brough about by 2 car accidents and probably worsened by his depression.

I am a caring and understanding person, I've had my fair share of crap in my life. My parents divorced when I was 14 and my mum had breast cancer for 5 years, and passed away just before i went to uni. I moved to be near him to study as we met randomly over the net ( wasnt intentional), so i made a pretty big sacrifice there. And was dealing with my bf having depression and everything else with it as well as losing my mum and being separated from my younger brother.

Basically, as much as he has been dealing with his depression I have also been dealing with it too and try nto to let it get to me. Its been a long time coming and early on in our relationship he broke up ( on a break-dnt believe in them anymore!) with me cos he sed he needed space to get himself better, only to start seeing someone else pretty quick.
Anyways thats sorta dealt with, wont bring that up.
We gt back together and lived int he same city so saw each other all the time and it was good, we were happy etc etc. REcently tho, i would say the past year, we have been having some serious arguments, feel like we go round in circles. I also feel like I'm wlkin on egg shels half the time as i know if something he is doing is bothering me i cnt say antyhign in case he takes it the wrong way and he ends up in a worse mood than he already is etc etc. i kinda feel trapped at times, like i cnt be myself. we barely do stuff just us anymore. He has his mates round every night, which i dnt particulary mind cos they are my mates too, but it gets boring every single night. i want to do stuff with him. I've tried mentioning it, but hes never in the mood for anything. He's just started a new job and hes not really enjoying it that much, he says its a lot of pressure on him, but he always says how he wants to earn alot of money and start his own buisness but i say to him that he needs to get soem experience first. I do feel helpless a lot of the time. my way of being supportive is to offer advice, solutions, different ways to look at things, just to try and make him feel a bit more positive but it doesnt help.
( sorry forgt to mention we live together and have been for the past 2 years)
I have just been accepted to do a PGCE teaching degree which im thrilled about and have been going to childrens camps to get experience with kids and also have a good time and meet like minded people. He doesnt like socialising outside his circle of close friends whereas i do and i feel he gets jealous when i go do my camps and meet diff people. Its my time to get away and just think about me and making myself happy.
I went to a camp a week ago and had just an amazing time! I cnt describe it but coming home, back to relality ( regardless of anybodys situations) can proper bring you down. But for me, its like a ton of bricks cos all i seemed to get was that i was ignoring my bf and not texting him. Which i did try but camp is a busy 24hr thing so its hard. tried to explain that but he wasnt accepting any of it. At camp, i found myself attractive to some of the guys there. thats not me at all! Im a 100% faithful person,, except it was so easy just to sorta let go. I didnt do anything physical, but there was this one guy who i had met at camp a few times. we are really good mates and eneded up texting each other a lot, but the texts gt v.heated. I really had to control myself from going to his room, but i managed to refrain myself. I do wonder what if tho.

I'm in a state of confusiion tho. I feel sorta trapped in my relationship right now. I feel the fact that we have come this far that i should stick it out and work on it, but im so tired and drained. surely i deserve some happiness.

Sorry, for the MAJOR long rant :$ if someone did read it, i would be most grateful

M xx

-- posted by maha86