Psychology

» maha86 - depression seriuosly affecting relationship

Hi,

Its been a while since i have written on a forum like this, but i would really appreciate any advice that you can give me. Although my story is a major long one, i wont bore you with all the details. I'll try include ,main stuff so you have a good idea of the situation.

Im 21(22 in Oct) and bf is 23(24 in May). We have been together for nearly 5 years, on and off in the 2nd year due to some issues ( related to his depression, long distance relationship and another girl)

He has been suffereing with depression for 4 years,, spent about 1 year self harming, smokes cannibis everyday, doesnt drink tho, has developed anxiety and panic attacks, has sever back problems brough about by 2 car accidents and probably worsened by his depression.

I am a caring and understanding person, I've had my fair share of crap in my life. My parents divorced when I was 14 and my mum had breast cancer for 5 years, and passed away just before i went to uni. I moved to be near him to study as we met randomly over the net ( wasnt intentional), so i made a pretty big sacrifice there. And was dealing with my bf having depression and everything else with it as well as losing my mum and being separated from my younger brother.

Basically, as much as he has been dealing with his depression I have also been dealing with it too and try nto to let it get to me. Its been a long time coming and early on in our relationship he broke up ( on a break-dnt believe in them anymore!) with me cos he sed he needed space to get himself better, only to start seeing someone else pretty quick.
Anyways thats sorta dealt with, wont bring that up.
We gt back together and lived int he same city so saw each other all the time and it was good, we were happy etc etc. REcently tho, i would say the past year, we have been having some serious arguments, feel like we go round in circles. I also feel like I'm wlkin on egg shels half the time as i know if something he is doing is bothering me i cnt say antyhign in case he takes it the wrong way and he ends up in a worse mood than he already is etc etc. i kinda feel trapped at times, like i cnt be myself. we barely do stuff just us anymore. He has his mates round every night, which i dnt particulary mind cos they are my mates too, but it gets boring every single night. i want to do stuff with him. I've tried mentioning it, but hes never in the mood for anything. He's just started a new job and hes not really enjoying it that much, he says its a lot of pressure on him, but he always says how he wants to earn alot of money and start his own buisness but i say to him that he needs to get soem experience first. I do feel helpless a lot of the time. my way of being supportive is to offer advice, solutions, different ways to look at things, just to try and make him feel a bit more positive but it doesnt help.
( sorry forgt to mention we live together and have been for the past 2 years)
I have just been accepted to do a PGCE teaching degree which im thrilled about and have been going to childrens camps to get experience with kids and also have a good time and meet like minded people. He doesnt like socialising outside his circle of close friends whereas i do and i feel he gets jealous when i go do my camps and meet diff people. Its my time to get away and just think about me and making myself happy.
I went to a camp a week ago and had just an amazing time! I cnt describe it but coming home, back to relality ( regardless of anybodys situations) can proper bring you down. But for me, its like a ton of bricks cos all i seemed to get was that i was ignoring my bf and not texting him. Which i did try but camp is a busy 24hr thing so its hard. tried to explain that but he wasnt accepting any of it. At camp, i found myself attractive to some of the guys there. thats not me at all! Im a 100% faithful person,, except it was so easy just to sorta let go. I didnt do anything physical, but there was this one guy who i had met at camp a few times. we are really good mates and eneded up texting each other a lot, but the texts gt v.heated. I really had to control myself from going to his room, but i managed to refrain myself. I do wonder what if tho.

I'm in a state of confusiion tho. I feel sorta trapped in my relationship right now. I feel the fact that we have come this far that i should stick it out and work on it, but im so tired and drained. surely i deserve some happiness.

Sorry, for the MAJOR long rant :$ if someone did read it, i would be most grateful

M xx

-- posted by maha86

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - depression seriuosly affecting relationship

In response to depression seriuosly affecting relationship posted by maha86:

Thanks for posting, M. And congratulations on getting an acceptance to get your teaching degree! Wow, that's quite the accomplishment, and it sounds like you really enjoy being with kids.

It also sounds like you've really have been through alot. I can understand why you're drained and tired of it all -- and yes you do deserve happiness.

Healthy relationships are about lifting one another up, supporting each other, and helping each other live their best life possible. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to rely on your boyfriend and be happy to be with him -- not tired or drained. Granted, all relationships go through valleys and require work to stay fresh and exciting. That said, there's a difference between a good relationship needing some maintenance and a bad relationship.

Your relationship sounds like it could use a good overhaul. How do you do that? Through couples counseling, or reading about healthy relationships. Or by taking a good hard look at your relationship. Is it what you'd want for your friends or daughter? Do you know it's right for you? Are you truly happy with your boyfriend?

The second part of overhauling your relationship is having the strength and courage to take care of business. I don't know what this means for you, I can't tell you that, but it could mean setting new boundaries with your boyfriend or taking a break from the relationship.

Trust your gut, M. Be smart, and know that this is your life. You have the power to make changes, and create the life you want.

Write again, let me know how you're doing.

Laurie

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» maha86 - depression seriuosly affecting relationship

In response to depression seriuosly affecting relationship posted by LauriePK:

Thank you Laurie for getting back to me, I was starting to worry if anyone could be bothered! Yeh i do love working with kids and I really can't wait to start in September.
To be honest, if i took a good luck and pretended it was one of my best mates in this situation id probably tell them to leave. Its harder though, when you are the actual one in the relationship.I am happy with him at times, but i feel guilty for saying that because he's ill and its not his fault. I think whats getting me the most is that he doesn't seem to be trying to help himself, so part of me is like, what exactly am i waiting for? Feel stuck in a rut at the moment and i know that i have to take charge.

my gut is telling me, to face facts and leave the relationship, my head is saying have a good long think and don't make rash decisions and my heart is just lost.

i'm going to have a really long talk with my best mate tomorrow. shes knows us both, and has been through depression herself so i'm kinda hoping she can give me some more insight to it and guide me on the right path. She knows me really well so she'll work out how im feeling when i talk to her.

i will let you know how it goes, but im not feeling very hopeful right now. We'll see what happens, just trying to keep it together for now. Thank you again for writing to me,

M

-- posted by maha86

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» amphib10 - Depression and suicide

I wanted to come somewhere to be frank about what I am going through and to tell someone my story. I have attempted suicide several times in my life I started at a young age in an abusive house, a lonely kid, angry, destructive, proned to self mutilation, I guess because I wanted attention, I wont get to deep because I could go on forever. My last suicide attempt was 9 months ago and I have'nt stopped thinking about doing it again, the mental prison im living in is killing me. I got sober 9 months ago and stopped using, I am in recovery 9 months total now, I am homeless and trying to get help, I have no family, my dad passed away in front of me when I was 11, and I had little or no emotions at the time, I have friends that are terminally ill and I dont have emotions about it, I hate who I am so much that I dont seem to care about anyone. 9 months ago I took alot of painkillers, whisky, cocaine, and several bottles of over the counter drugs, at the time I was sleeping in my truck and said to myself it was time to go, I was so messed up I felt my heart stop, after that I blacked out, I dont remember when I came to, but when I did the ringing in my ears was really bad, my body was drained, my kidneys hurt,I was spinning, I could hardly pick myself up, I slept for 3 days in and out under an old smoke stack in the middle of the city, I could barely move or talk, it was all giberish, all I remember doing is crying for god to let me go, and why was I still alive, Im still mad that I failed and still mad at god for letting me live. Im not good at writing but I think people can get the jest of this, I'm here this morning because I want to try agin, truthfully I want help but I am tired of jumping through bueracratic hoops to get it, Thanks to George bush jr. treatment and help is harder to come by, I felt like blaming him right now, when the reality is Im depressed, penniless, living in a storage container, I have a chronic lung condition from all the cold nights, my backs messed up, I wake up with my knees swollen so bad some time I cant walk. I manage to get up and go to meetings and thats about it, Im tired of this life and the people around me, and Im shocked Im still sober it wont be much longer feeling like this, thanks for letting me vomit my story out!

-- posted by amphib10

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Depression and suicide

In response to Depression and suicide posted by amphib10:

Amphib,

Thanks for posting your story -- you've been through alot! Wow. Your writing is fine, don't worry about that. :-)

Jumping through hoops to get help is the worst part of changing your life. There's hoops for EVERYTHING, from getting financial assistance (I've done that) to finding a job (done that too).

But the hoops get easier once you accept them. And break them down into small steps -- one tiny step a day, and voila! You've accomplished something in your life.

Being sober for 9 months is HUGE. That's an amazing accomplishment. You obviously have a drive to live, to survive. And to succeed.

What are your next steps, or the next hoops you need to jump through? List 3 here. I'd love to see what they are.

Hoping to hear from you,
Laurie PK

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» amphib10 - Depression and suicide

In response to Depression and suicide posted by LauriePK:

you must deal with alot of people here, I dont have any goals at the moment except, eat and type this. I have learned to live today not tomorrow, I hate today. Are you a phycologist? whatever, I just wanted to talk to ordinary people. truthfully that drive to kill myself has been getting stronger, and it cycles up and down. theres a drive to live, I'm stuck and I have been stuck for a long time. I have seen professional after prodessional since I was about 11, im 32 now I have had times of piece of mind, I have even kept most of my sanity and good looks------ that was a joke, the good looks part. I'm sorry for all the complaining. Excepting the hoops, I have to be drug through them now, The system has had me by the balls for to long, the probation officer wants me to get treatment, thats funny, a homeless guy starting from ground zero, Im going back to jail if I cant get help, the same government that wants to put me in jail wont help a person thats willing to help themselves, A dog chasing his tale, go here, go there, right back where I started from, Ive been in the system since 13 trying to get the same help then as Im trying to get now.
the next 3 hoops, get dressed, eat, go to a meeting. wow I really restrained the foul language, i figured Id be polite on here. Thanks for listening as much as I hate trying to show emotion on a forum!

-- posted by amphib10

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