Psychology

» steffie022 - Is it the depression or confusion!!

I don't really know where to begin. my husband of 11 years has been diagnosed with depression. He is taking medication, and seems to be helping him in most areas. However the one area that doesn't seem to have any changes is the emotional side to him. He seems to be emotionally lazy. Doesn't want to make the effort when it comes to US; but gives 110% effort to other aspects. Even when it comes to the children, couldn't be bothered to play a board game with our 11 year old daughter but will go play video games with his brother until 3 in the morning. I have tried to discuss these issues, but get nothing in return. Sex is non-existant and even when I make THE MOVES, well, lets just say the rejection is becoming unbareable. I wonder if maybe this is just the end. He made an attempt in the summer to leave with another woman but decided against that and stayed. We have been trying to work things out, but I just have this feeling like something is not right. Help...anyone, any ideas. I am starting to think that he stayed out of guilt and not love. Of course he denies it but I am not convinced!

-- posted by steffie022

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Is it the depression or confusion!!

In response to Is it the depression or confusion!! posted by steffie022:

Steffie, thanks for posting. It takes courage to reach out, and I'm glad you did.

I'm glad the medication is helping your husband -- but you know what? I wonder if the other bits aren't partly just being a man! I'm not saying it's right or that you should accept it, but sometimes men don't get into the emotional side of things. It's hard for them to talk about emotional stuff, it's often a real effort for them. Don't get me wrong: I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to separate the symptoms of depression from the general characteristics of being a guy.

I also wonder if the medication is affecting his sex drive. That can be a common side effect of many meds, whether they're for depression or not. There are natural ways to improve your sex life -- but of course if he's not interested, it's kinda pointless for you to do it all alone.

The thing is, you can't control or change another person's behavior. You can only control your own behavior -- whether that means getting help for yourself, or learning how to motivate lazy husbands, or creating opportunities for your husband and kids to interact (but not forcing them).

If I were you, I'd talk to a marriage counselor. I'd invite hubby along, and if he says no, I'd go anyway. I'd also read up on marriages -- everything from Dr Laura's book about marriage to ones about "motivating lazy husbands" (I saw that one at the library!).

Keep me posted, Steffi. I hope you find what works for you both, and your daughter too.

All the best,
Laurie

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