Psychology

» aamm667 - I think my man's in the depressive stage of BP

Hi. I am new to this chat. I have read several of the issues & responses on this website & some have helped. I am facing my most difficult one yet. I have been with my man for 4 years on & off. The "off" times were his idea. The last time he left he said was because he could not stop being mean to me & I didn't deserve that. We (me, him, my kids, & his kids) had just started renting this huge house that I had a really hard time affording myself. We were engaged to be married at that time. That was his 3rd time leaving. Two weeks after he left, my phone rang off the hook. He was trying to get me back & would call for silly things, like to see if I had any extra towels that he could have, or to let me know that he found my sons' socks. After 5 months of him persistantly trying to get me back, I broke down & talked to him. He then let me know that he was just diagnosed as BP. The more he told me, the more I wanted to know. I blamed BP for all of the things he had done. He said that he started taking Symbyax & could think clearly. We got back together. Shortly after that, he told me that he wanted to get married & have a baby with me. He knew that I wanted that. He arranged to have $5,000.00 taken out of his paycheck this year for his vasectomy reversal & we even went for a consultation with an Urologist, so I believed that it was really going to happen this time. Wrong! That was 5 months ago. Since then, he sleeps >14 hours/day, is very distant & quiet, & now says that he is going to move to another state to be with his family. He says that he needs to be there & I deserve better & could be so much happier without him. I have never been treated so badly, but so wonderful at the same time. I love him with everything that I have. I don't know what to do. Please help!!!!

-- posted by aamm667

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - I think my man's in the depressive stage of BP

In response to I think my man's in the depressive stage of BP posted by aamm667:

Thanks for posting -- what a whirlwind your love life has been for the past 4 years!

Your man sounds like he isn't sure what he wants -- but he seems to think the grass is greener on the other side! So he's in and out of your life, which is quite disruptive to you and your kids.

You may need to put your foot down: either he's in the relationship or he's out. If he's in, he has to be a proper husband. If he's out, he's gone for good.

That he's bipolar is a side issue, because thousands of people with BP have perfectly happy relationships. Once he gets stable with the bipolar (which can be complicated), he needs to get stable with you.

How do you stabilize your life with him? By setting your boundaries and sticking to them -- which is a huge, healthy part of loving someone. When you let them do whatever they want, you're not loving them or yourself.

How do you want your life to be? Once you figure out what you want your life to look like, then you need to clean house. I'm not saying you need to dump him, but if he stays then you need to figure out what behavior you will accept, and what you won't. That's setting boundaries.

I always say this: consider getting counseling because you get objective feedback and trained help. Read books about bipolar disorder and great relationships.

Most important of all, know who you are and what you want out of life -- and be courageous enough to pursue it.

Good luck. Come back and tell us how you're doing, aamm667.

Warm regards,
Laurie

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