Psychology

» southpawgirl - I think my ex-boyfriend is bipolar

Up until a month ago I was seeing a great guy who very much pursued me from the beginning. He was very loving, I felt immediately comfortable with him and we rarely even disagreed on things much less argue.

After spending a couple of weekends away with each other's families together, I returned home after not seeing him for a week. We made elaborate plans as to what to do that evening and when I arrived at the restaurant he broke up with me.

This was a total shock. Just a few days ago he'd left a loving voicemail on my cell phone explaining how he was thinking about me, didn't plan his vacation very well as he would still like to be at the coast with my family and I, and that he loved me and I was so important to him.

Three days later, he broke up with me because he was "broken" and didn't see us having the same goals. I asked him how much of this was me and how much of this was his depression (he had told me he suffered from "depression" in the past). He said "both". When I asked him if he could give examples of what about me he didn't think was compatible with his goals he said "he didn't like to get dressed up" and then proceeded to say I'm sorry and that he was broken again and again.

A few days later I decided I couldn't live with such a vague discussion as it was totally out of the blue and made no sense. After prodding him via email he first gave me a very formal and distant reply answering none of my questions, saying he'd moved on with his life, and then said he wanted to be friends.

When I responded worried, because the language didn't even sound like him, he informed me that for the last three months he had been "flirting" while out alone and that he kissed someone recently. Then he said he was pining for his ex girlfriend and that just now he realized how he had hurt her.

To give you a bit of background on him and his behavior.

His house is a mess - always. He is unable to focus on any project long enough to get it done.

We never talked about finances but he is always broke and I don't know where the money even goes. He always gets cash from the ATM and I never see him with a credit card which I believe is because he can no longer apply for one.

He has problems sleeping and food is of little interest - he forgets to eat entirely.

He drinks to excess as a way to calm himself.

He talks wildly at times.

For days he will "disappear" when he goes into a depressive state. He has told me he calls in sick for work and doesn't want to talk to anyone.

He has an enormous sex drive.

Once he flirted in front of me so hard with one of my friends while he was drunk I had to call him out on him as it was making her and me uncomfortable. His response to me was that he was a flirt and I knew it and to deal with it. The next day I called him to say that if that ever happened again I was gone, that his behavior was totally unacceptable to me and that I had a no tolerance policy towards that behavior. It took him two days to come back to me with a sort of apology. He had to really think about it to see that he was wrong in the scenario.

He talks about really inappropriate things at times in front of my family and friends. It's like he has no filtering system where he'll talk to my friends about his ex-wife in detail in front of me and none of us want to hear it. Or brag about his more promiscuous navy days in front of my father. Gross!

He has talked to a therapist off and on in the past but never stuck with anyone and basically went only once when a crisis struck. Therefore, he has not been consistent enough with it to get medication or even be diagnosed.

I confronted him with the idea that I thought he displayed all of the signs and was this ever discussed in therapy and he acted like I was the crazy one for suggesting it.

I've read discussions on these boards before from people dating bipolars and they could have been my story over and over again.

Is he bipolar and what do you do when someone won't even entertain the idea?

-- posted by southpawgirl

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - I think my ex-boyfriend is bipolar

In response to I think my ex-boyfriend is bipolar posted by southpawgirl:

What an experience - that must have been a huge shock, him breaking up with you out of the blue. He sounds a little unstable, even when you were dating he'd act inappropriately. How scary for him, too, to feel "broken". Maybe he doesn't think he can love you or be in a relationship. Too bad he didn't continue with the counseling.

I dated a guy who was easily irritated and unpredictable, and who also started but didn't continue counseling. Though I was sad when we called it off, I look back now and feel very very grateful that we didn't end up together. I think I wouldn't stayed with him if he hadn't questioned our relationship. We decided to take some time off.

I don't know if your ex is bipolar, southpawgirl. But he's definitely has a few things to deal with before he can be in a healthy relationship.

I hope you're okay, and that you take care of yourself.

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» nina5588 - need help with a boyfriend - bipolar?

i have been in a serious relationship for a little over a year. It's been long distance more than half the time. It's been passionate and good however i have always known that he has some deep rooted issues. At times, it feels like he is trying to be someone he is not, and i think he is doing it to keep me. He drinks too much and when drunk he gets depressed and angry and tells me that he is no good for me and that i will leave him when i learn the truth. He broke up with me today out of the blue and not for the first time. Indeed, i realized today that he does this every 6-8 weeks. and it is never because he doesn't love me. that is the sad part because he always does. he does love. i used to think that he was just "unstable" but now i am starting to think that it may be something more serious. this breaking up thing seems too cyclical somehow. he actually did tell me once that i should "stay away from him because the gets these mood swings" and i never learned what they where. he is not disrespectful and doesn't have sex with other women or flirt (at least not to my knowledge). it always boils down to the same thing: that i am better off without him. When he does this, i never run after him and i never beg him to stay. he calls or emails shortly after saying that he made a mistake. he is always sincere when he does this. and the thing is, when he was married they spent most of the time apart. he did love her though and i never quite understood the dynamic of their relationship.

does this sound like bipolar or anything similar? he told me that his mom has it but i am the novice here. i really need your help!

-- posted by nina5588

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - need help with a boyfriend - bipolar?

In response to need help with a boyfriend - bipolar? posted by nina5588:

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend, Nina. Whether he's bipolar or not, he's clearly unstable and unhappy. He needs to get help, because his issues won't just resolve themselves. He feels terrible about himself -- and the only way that he can be in a good, healthy relationship is to deal with his problems.

I wish you and your boyfriend all the best -- and I hope he gets the help he needs so you two can get back on track. Make sure you take care of yourself, and don't let him take advantage of you, Nina. It sounds like he's not thinking very clearly, and seems a little unpredictable.

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» lizzie51724 - need help with a boyfriend - bipolar?

In response to need help with a boyfriend - bipolar? posted by LauriePK:

Okay so im 18 years old and i had been going out with my boyfriend for 22 months. Everything was fine for the first approximatly 10 months until he told me that he had a drinking problem. He told me that whenever he got stressed he would drink, and sometimes he would show up to school after having a couple beers. Once we went on a picnic and when he told me he was going pee in the bushes he was actually sneeking away to chug down a couple beers. His mother is an alcoholic and she buys him alcohol whenever he runs out so he never has an issue finding it. When he told me this i was so confused and didnt know what to think. I told him that he cant live his life that way and i wasnt going to go out with an alocholic because its just not safe. During this time he also had an addiction to smoking. He was trying to quit, but whenever times turned rough he always turned to it. 14 months into our relationship he gave up smoking and to my knowledge i thought that he had given up drinking. We always found that everything was perfect when he was sober, but when he got drunk he turned into a nasty person that i was truely scared of. We always argued when he was drunk and he always found a way to turn things around and pin the blame on me. We both ended up going to university this year and not long after that i realized that he still had a drinking problem. Id wake up in the middle of the night to find him piss drunk staggering around and puking on the floor. One time he peed right on my purse and broke my phone. I didnt know how to deal with it because its like he was two different people. One minute he was fine and the love of my life but then the next he was yelling at me and physically and mentally hurting me. He has called me extremely hurtful names purposly, and has also done stuff like pushed me down the stairs, and thrown me against walls. Most of the time he tells me its my fault because i got him wound up for getting upset at him. 2 months ago he got too stressed and decided to move to australia for 3 months with his family. Things seemed to be going fine and he told me that he was becomming a better person, that he doesnt dirnk at all when hes there and that he loves me more than anyhting, and then all of the sudden he randomly broke up with me. He told me that i had to venture the world and see if i truely love him. I was really upset at this and ive moved on a little bit and now realize that he wasnt good to me but now hes begging to have me back. Hes telling me that breaking up with me was the worst decision of his life. I just dont know who he is anymore. I want the boy who cuddles with me and tells me he loves me, not the one who wakes up in the middle of the night craving to chug 2 bottles of wine and a couple shots of vodka. I dont know if this is bi-polar... but i thought i would share my story,
sincerely,
Lizzie xox

-- posted by lizzie51724

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - need help with a boyfriend - bipolar?

In response to need help with a boyfriend - bipolar? posted by lizzie51724:

You're right, Lizzie, going out with an alcoholic is NOT safe. Whether he has bipolar disorder or is depressed or has other issues -- he absolutely has no right to hurt you or anyone else.

Saying that you provoked him and that it's not his fault is a classic abusive stance. Abusers rarely take responsibility. They often blame others for their actions. When your boyfriend - or anyone else - pushes you down the stairs, you need to call the police.

Lizzie, you need to trust your gut with this one. You moved on past this relationship because it wasn't good for you, and you know that it's not safe to date an alcoholic. You know what to do, and you need to find the strength to do it. Your boyfriend may have some sweet qualities, but his violence and disrespect outweigh the boy who cuddles with you.

Make sure you have friends who support you, and that you know what recourse you can take if your ex-boyfriend harms you again.

Write again, let me know how you're doing.

Laurie

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» violetta28 - am I dating a bipolar?

I am very new to this thread and to the subject on bipolar , but I wonder if the guy I'm dating is.
I've been dating my boyfriend who I met online for 4 months in a long distance relationship. We see each other every other weekend. He has been extremely loving and his humor is what initially captivated my heart, I fell head over heels for him, he always knew what to say and make me feel beautiful inside and out. His intellect intrigues me.
I noticed a couple of things that most of us would see as red flags. One night he called me hysterical crying he could barely talk, saying he didn't want to live anymore. I was shaken up, crazy thoughts went through my mind and I felt helpless because we are so far away from each other. He finally hung up the phone and apparently shut it off. I tried calling a few times but wasn't able to speak to him until the next day- he was in a completely different mood, totally happy. I asked him what that phone call was about and that I was not able to sleep all night after the call. He said "What phone call?" till this day he claims he doesn't remember calling me. My boyfriend is not a drinker, nor does he do drugs and claims to be religious. There is yet alot I don't know about him I'm sure, as I've only seen him a few times in the past 4 months.
Another incident was a comment he made to me that if I ever left him, he'd put a gun to his head. I didn't comment on it but was very taken back by it and it bothers me till this day as this is not normal behavior.
About 1 month ago, I come to find out that he was living a double life, dating me and his other girlfriend of 2 years. I came across her profile and couldn't believe what I was seing. All of the same comments he would post on my page, he had been posting on hers under a different profile, not the profile that I had met him on. I was in total shock I almost threw up on my keyboard. So I decided to send her a message telling her that they boyfriend she had described as the most wonderful man, wasn't so wonderful after all. After a few email communications, I find out that the man I had fallen for, didn't exist. I met him as a military soldier who had fought in 2 tours and had lost his sister to cancer while in Iraq. This was the gateway that connected me to him, as my mom has cancer so I immediately felt comfortable giving him my # so we could chat and support one another.
We talked for hours and several times every day on the phone before we met which was about 2 months after he initially befriended me online. He discussed his plans for the future with me, and that once he was honorably dismissed from the military this May, that he was moving to my state to live with me. Everything seemed perfect, he was in many ways everything I always wanted, and although I know I could do much better than him looks wise, his personality had won me over.
After communicating with his girlfriend of 2 years, I find out that these were all lies, that he was never in the military and that he doesn't have a sister!!! I have been so distraught since with a wide range of mixed emotions.
Of course I called him and comfronted him and he admitted to everything as if it was no big deal. I was so disgusted with his behavior. How could anyone in their right mind portray themselves the way he did and carry out with all the lies so well, it reminded me of a well thought movie script, I even told him he should be in Hollywood for the amazing act he put on for 3 months! I took sometime off to think, basically sent him to hell and told him to never contact me again. Of course he tried contacting me several times, but I declined to respond and told him to leave me alone.
A few days later, I found myself totally confused, I realized that I had totally fallen in love with a man that didn't exist in a way. I was angry, distraught, hurt, and the betrayal and deceit was too painful for me to bear. I spoke with a couple of my friends and asked how in the world does someone seek closure to something like this? I had alot of questions, of course about who he really is and why would he do such a thing?
So I decided to call him and ask him about all the lies and why would he make up a story about a deceased sister that never existed? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, because I actually went to a church and sat with a priest in an attempt to make arrangements for a memorial mass in his sister's honor. He even made up a name for her, OMG it's totally crazy. Today, knowing she never existed is totally mind boggling to me, I don't know how to process it.
I finally called him one last time and told him that I would only ask one thing of him, and that was for him to be completely honest with me about everything for once in his life, about who is, his intentions with me and his relationship of 2 years with his now ex girlfriend. He said, no problem, I will be honest about anything you ask. So of course the first thing I asked was, why in the world would he make up a story about his deceased sister and go to the lenghts he did? He said he didn't know and doesn't understand why he did it, and that he wished he could give me an answer. So I asked him, if that wasn't your sister in the picture, then who was it in the pictures he had posted, he said it was an exgirlfriend. I guess something about that relationship was traumatizing to him, I don't know what happened. He said they were too young and they split up. I also asked why he portrayed himself to be in the military when he wasn't. He said he doesn't understand why he did it but did admit that he was dishonorably discharged from the Military for doing drugs when he was younger and that he really regrets it. I guess this also traumatized him.
Anyways, time passed and he tried and tried contacting me. One day about 3 weeks ago I decided to respond in an effort to play a revengeful act (i don't know what but I wanted revenge). I decided to txt him back and he asked if he could call me. We ended up talking and he pleaded for my forgiveness over and over while he cried and cried for hours. As crazy as it was, I felt his pain and the love I felt for him, started to take over my reasonable thinking, so I agreed to meet with him and talk about things. I wanted to see him so bad, is this crazy? After all I did fall in love with him and he claims he wasn't happy with his ex for a long time and that he realized that he had fallen for me and was planning on leaving her all along. When we saw each other, it was awkward but it felt nice to hug him. We talked for hours and I gave in. We ended up having an amazing weekend together but of course, the issue still lies there. I wonder what possessed him to make up all those lies, he says he's depressed and takes anti anxiety meds (Alprazolam-generic for Xanax) He also finally admitted to having been prescribed lithium which I find in my research, given to people that suffer from bipolar. He says he never takes it, only when he needs it which I also find can do more harm than good.
Since, I have decided to try to work things out. My friends dont' understant it and why I would take him back knowing that I would have serious trust issues with him. Basically, what he did was unforgiveable, but I also believe that the heart sometimes see what the eyes don't and so I have decided to forgive him and try to work things out as he is trying to show me and introduce me to everyone in his life.
Is this delusional behavior normal for bipolar people?

-- posted by violetta28

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - am I dating a bipolar?

In response to am I dating a bipolar? posted by violetta28:

Hi Violetta,

Wow -- you and your boyfriend have been on quite a rollercoaster ride!

Delusional behavior could be normal for some bipolar people -- it's actually common in ALL people. We can delude ourselves about our relationships, jobs, hopes, goals, family, friends, etc in order to make ourselves feel better.

Whether he's bipolar or not is a separate issue than whether's a good partner. People with bipolar can be fabulous partners, and people without bipolar can be rotten matches.

You need to decide if he's a good partner, and hope that he's getting the medication he needs and that he's following his doctor's instructions. You can't do anything about his bipolar or behavior. All you can do is decide for yourself what you're willing to put up with, and what you're not.

You're right that our hearts can see what our eyes don't. But sometimes we let our hearts lead us astray, and we let our wishes control our decisions.

All the best to you, Violetta. I hope your boyfriend finds a way to straighten himself out and be the best man possible for you.

If you want to write again, I'm here for you.....

Laurie

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