Is your relationship hampered by emotional walls & barriers, secrets & long silences? Fear of intimacy is common in adults, especially if you've been scarred in the past.
Fear of intimacy is the exact opposite of the close relationship you had with your best friend when you were a kid. You may be lucky enough to have a best friend now, but the depth and scope of those childhood friendships may seem unbeatable because you shared all your secrets. Fear of intimacy -- hiding behind emotional walls and barriers -- wasn't usually an issue. Overcoming fear of intimacy and anxiety wasn't even on the radar screen.
Fear of intimacy is definitely a grown up problem.
Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways – a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, we’re naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
Fear of intimacy is different than fear of commitment. You can be married and not know your partner emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. In fact, loneliness in marriage is more difficult than being lonely as a single person or widow. Marital loneliness springs from fear of intimacy in one or both partners.
The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy.
Three elements that reduce fear of intimacy:
Authenticity: your feelings match your words and actions. If you feel angry or betrayed, you express yourself with words and behavior (remember that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means that even if you don’t speak your feelings, your actions will likely reveal them). Try sentences such as "I feel sad because I hoped to see you there," or "I'm angry and frustrated because I was relying on you to take the garbage out, and now the garbage truck won't be back for another week." Instead of hiding behind fear of intimacy, step out and reveal yourself. You'll feel vulnerable and afraid - there's no getting around that!
Communication: Mutual self-disclosure occurs when the two of you share your personal and everyday experiences. You open up at the same level; for instance, you both discuss experiences of being betrayed in the past – or neither of you shares it. You meet each other at the same level in terms of the amount and type of personal experiences and thoughts you disclose. If mutual self-disclosure doesn’t happen, then you’re in an unbalanced relationship. One partner has opened their heart, while the other has hidden it away. This is fear of intimacy that can be reduced simply by talking about it.
Honesty: You talk about what's going on in your life, how you really feel and what you really think. You reveal what’s important to you, which builds trust in your relationship. You don’t play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. You may still have a fear of intimacy, but you're honest about it.
The longer fear of intimacy festers, the worse it gets - and the more difficult it is to overcome. Now's the time to face your fear of intimacy and embark on a bigger, deeper life!
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The copyright of the article Fear of Intimacy in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Fear of Intimacy in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Aug 3, 2007 1:27 PM
Jennifer Dickey :
Hi
I am currently engaged and have alot of insecurity issues that is both destorying me and my relationship. The insecurities stem from a different things but mainly because my fiance cheated on me before we got engaged. He also cheated on his ex fiance.
These insecurities are causing major behavioural and drepression problems that i cant seem to shake. If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know. there is more to my story but not sure how much i am suppose to post. thanks
Aug 4, 2007 10:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for sharing your insecurities, juicygumdrops! You can post as much or as little as you like. - I think you're right to be insecure with your fiance, because unless something significant has changed with him, he may end up cheating on you too. Can you go through premarital counseling together? There's never any guarantees that marriages will stay strong, but at least you can talk through why it happened in the past and protect yourself from it happening in the future. I'd involve an objective third party (mentor, pastor, counselor, therapist) and listen to their take on your fiance. - Don't ignore your gut feelings. They're right 99% of the time.....and you don't want to be one of those women who knew all along that something wasn't quite right.
Aug 4, 2007 11:54 AM
Pink :
. Once again, Laurie, you have come through with an excellent subject for thought. . After 76 years of living and long since having broken through the barriers set up by a life of expectations that may or may not have been <i>good</i>. :) . Intimacy can teach us much more about who it is that we are rather than who it is the other person might be. But, if we are to grow to our fullest potential, a good and loving relationship that allow intimacy--no matter what--is the way to go. . At least, that's what I think. .
Aug 5, 2007 8:22 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Intimacy requires trust. How does anyone know whether they can trust another person? - In juicygumdrops' case, her fiance may not be giving her reason to trust him. Or she's terribly insecure. I guess only she can figure out the truth.
Aug 5, 2007 9:27 AM
Pink :
. There is so much confusion out there. . When we are taught rules of behavior we often forgo any search for deeper knowledge. . The main point of intimacy--it appears to me--is that we get to develop knowledge about our own self even more so than we develop knowledge about the other. . Can I be me in the presence of an other person? If I am me in your presence, how does that impact on me? .
Apr 9, 2008 5:27 PM
metwithsilence :
Please help!!
I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.
In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.
essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,
we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....
we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.
the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet--the picture below is of my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.
he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'
clearly our great fun relationship has soured....
he made NO attempt to touch my face or body in all the time we were together. twice, i tried to grasp his hand and it went rigid.
since then i have text messaged and emailed b/c what i read ab
Apr 9, 2008 7:24 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to say this -- but I suspect you already already know it -- he may not be into a relationship.
You need to objectively assess what you're looking for in a relationship, and then decide if he's the one for you. Decide on who you want in your life (think caring, compassionate, funny, warm, loving, giving, interested in trying, a good communicator, similar life goals, same spiritual beliefs, and whatever else is important to you).
Once you have your objective list of what you're looking for, compare this guy to your list. Does he fit? Don't base your decision on his being new to the city or that he's in a bad financial situation. He's a grown man, and your job isn't to save him.
I wish you all the best, and invite you to tell me what you've decided!
Laurie
Apr 10, 2008 2:13 AM
metwithsilence :
I don't want to 'save' him... Certainly, financially I can't---
But, I don't want to walk out on him.
It's only been a short while that we've dated... but he's had such a rough go at life. Doesn't know his dad, mom had him at 16... joined the navy at 18, joined the police academy, left and went to college... got into editing sound and video---> moved to stl for a job at an ad firm.
Has 1 friend that I know of and is in his cell phone.
Do you have any knowledge of/experience with introverts... those that are diagnosed depressed..?
My only explanation for why he has become so radically different than he was the first five weeks is that he is off his anti-depressant. He was so absolutely kind and considerate... then, one day he just stopped being awesome.
He fit my list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. He was actually the first guy I've dated that I referred to as my partner and not my boytoy, boyfriend, lover, hero, or whatever other title I'd affix to a relationship that wasn't great.
The only thing that didn't match was he's an atheist and I am trying to be agnostic... but probably lean towards being an atheist 45% of the time.
Yes, I need to assess what I want... that is why I pulled away... but I am upset b/c I don't think it makes any difference. He made no attempt to stop me from walking out of his life.
With him being an atheist with no strong relationship foundation role-model.... my one fear about us---that he would not care if i were around or not, came true.
and the reason I'm flummoxed about what I should do is because I care about him and worry that he's in a bad place with no support system.
It might have been a short relationship, but I didn't want it to be... yet, I walked out.
Apr 10, 2008 7:18 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Sometimes people change when they're not motivated to be a certain way. Maybe it's the antidepressants that you mentioned, maybe he's feeling things differently. Only he knows -- and maybe he himself doesn't have a clear picture of what's going on.
The thing with introverts and depressed feelings -- or just introverts or just people who are depressed -- is that it depends on who they are as people. I don't think there's a blanket statement or diagnosis that covers all introverts and depressed people, you know? There are things going on that aren't evident in this discussion, which makes it impossible to generalize about introverts and depression.
You feel bad for him, yet you know the relationship may not be good for you. You're taking care of yourself (by breaking it off), and you want to help him. It's a tough spot to be in, and you need to objectively decide what's best for you first.
Is there a way you can do both? Be a friend to him, and not let yourself get too intimately involved?
Sep 17, 2008 11:45 AM
Guest
:
Yearning for advice:
I am engaged to someone I feel I don't know. I worked with him for a couple of years, he was married at the time. He became divorced and we started seeing one another 1.5 years after his divorce. We had a very short dating period before he moved out of state. We dated long distance for a while then I moved to live with him after we got engaged. Since I have been living with him, I have become aware of being lied to about a variety of things: girls he was talking to, and random things that mostly revolve around the opposite sex, that seem harmless but still lies about? He also lies about things that he knows I would like him to do or personal business he needs to take care of but has delayed in doing them. These things have caused me to lose trust. Integrity and character are far more important to me than any other traits in a man. He is introverted towards me and does not have many (1) friends that he keeps up with. Until we were engaged he was keeping up with multiple woman he called friends. He is closed off, doesn't freely open up about anything on an intimate level, nothing. He doesn't open up about anything that relates to our relationship and if I want to know something/anything..his day...I always have to ask, pick for information. It is emotionally draining. This behavior is also displayed in our physical relationship. He does not initiate physical contact. The trust issue has caused arguments and often he talks in circles and back peddles which puts more distance between us. But, since the moment I have been living with him, we sleep on opposite sides of the bed. I cry at times because I know he masturbates weekly, yet he won't touch me. I am at a loss of understanding his introverted personality. He views my concerns as criticizing him. I would like him to take a look at his behavior, the introvertedness, being secretive and lying at any level as the red flag concerns they are. Instead of talking and taking an assertive approach to resolution, he sulks and becomes more closed off. I crave for a man's touch and assertive nature. I have a calm and kind nature, but this relationship has me so frustrated I yell when we argue. I seem to always be the communicator and decide things because he doesn't, even things as little as what leisure activities we want to do during free time. I feel like I am trying to peel life out of a rock. I recently postponed wedding planning because I know we need resolution. Help!
Sep 30, 2008 3:43 PM
Guest
:
hi i've been in a relationship for 1 year...and ive cheated on my girlfriend numerous times. now i dont want to cheat anymore and i havent been but now i feel so insecure about her shes never given me a reason to doubt her but i dont. plz help......
Oct 6, 2008 6:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Good for you for postponing the wedding.......If you're engaged to someone you feel you don't know, then it's time to call off the engagement!! Marriage is difficult even when you know and love your partner deeply -- and if you're having problems before you get married, then you HAVE to resolve them before you go forward with the wedding.
How are you resolving your problems?
Oct 6, 2008 6:10 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I guess you're worried your girlfriend will cheat because you yourself have cheated in the past. You're projecting your feelings onto her. You have to trust yourself, and trust her, and work on building a strong, healthy relationship. How? By talking about your feelings, and learning about what love and trust really means by talking to wise people and reading good books.
