Psychology

» juicygumdrops - Insecurities

Hi

I am currently engaged and have alot of insecurity issues that is both destorying me and my relationship. The insecurities stem from a different things but mainly because my fiance cheated on me before we got engaged. He also cheated on his ex fiance.

These insecurities are causing major behavioural and drepression problems that i cant seem to shake. If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know. there is more to my story but not sure how much i am suppose to post.
thanks

-- posted by juicygumdrops

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Insecurities

In response to Insecurities posted by juicygumdrops:

Thanks for sharing your insecurities, juicygumdrops! You can post as much or as little as you like.
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I think you're right to be insecure with your fiance, because unless something significant has changed with him, he may end up cheating on you too. Can you go through premarital counseling together? There's never any guarantees that marriages will stay strong, but at least you can talk through why it happened in the past and protect yourself from it happening in the future. I'd involve an objective third party (mentor, pastor, counselor, therapist) and listen to their take on your fiance.
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Don't ignore your gut feelings. They're right 99% of the time.....and you don't want to be one of those women who knew all along that something wasn't quite right.

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» pink101 - Once Again, Laurie,

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Once again, Laurie, you have come through with an excellent subject for thought.
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After 76 years of living and long since having broken through the barriers set up by a life of expectations that may or may not have been good.
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Intimacy can teach us much more about who it is that we are rather than who it is the other person might be. But, if we are to grow to our fullest potential, a good and loving relationship that allow intimacy--no matter what--is the way to go.
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At least, that's what I think.
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-- posted by pink101

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - insecurity & intimacy

In response to Once Again, Laurie, posted by pink101:

Intimacy requires trust. How does anyone know whether they can trust another person?
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In juicygumdrops' case, her fiance may not be giving her reason to trust him. Or she's terribly insecure. I guess only she can figure out the truth.

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» pink101 - insecurity & intimacy

In response to insecurity & intimacy posted by LauriePK:

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There is so much confusion out there.
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When we are taught rules of behavior we often forgo any search for deeper knowledge.
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The main point of intimacy--it appears to me--is that we get to develop knowledge about our own self even more so than we develop knowledge about the other.
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Can I be me in the presence of an other person? If I am me in your presence, how does that impact on me?
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-- posted by pink101

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» metwithsilence - I don't know what to do???

Please help!!

I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.

In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.

essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,

we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....

we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.

the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet--the picture below is of my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.

he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'

clearly our great fun relationship has soured....

he made NO attempt to touch my face or body in all the time we were together. twice, i tried to grasp his hand and it went rigid.

since then i have text messaged and emailed b/c what i read about introverts is that its easier for them to communicate via writing. i tried calling last night after i've cleared his apartment of my things.. in previous communications, i have told him in these messages that i don't understand what is wrong.. i don't know why he's shutting me out---but if he wants, i will leave.. that effectively he's telling me to go by not asking me to stay. i gather all my things at his place, reach to get a large kitchen appliance off the top shelf of his cabinet and realize i can't reach it.... . he knew i was coming to get it.. he knows i cannot reach it...

i look at the state of his apartment.. it hasn't been cleaned since i scrubbed it down three weeks ago... not a single dish has been done since i did them three weeks ago.. the floor is covered in hair so much that it looks like the wild west w/ dog hair instead of tumbleweed.

did i mention that at the end of month one he told me that he was on a generic form of prozac? no, i didn't. nor did i mention that i think he took himself off it around then. for one.. we were having 45 minute sex sessions, suddenly they were like 2 minutes and he seemed withdrawn afterwards. (one side effect of the drug he was on was that it ended premature ejaculation).

so, i know that he's extremely introverted, i don't know for sure that he's off his anti-depressant but suspect this....

he's changed. radically.

i don't know what to do.

he's new to the city --- the only people he knows are the people that he works with...

and while i've never met anyone from his family, i have a feeling that he is his own man and does not lean on them for support of any kind.

finally---i think he's in a bad financial situation...

am i just supposed to walk away? i like this guy. a great deal.

-- posted by metwithsilence

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - I don't know what to do???

In response to I don't know what to do??? posted by metwithsilence:

I'm sorry to say this -- but I suspect you already already know it -- he may not be into a relationship.

You need to objectively assess what you're looking for in a relationship, and then decide if he's the one for you. Decide on who you want in your life (think caring, compassionate, funny, warm, loving, giving, interested in trying, a good communicator, similar life goals, same spiritual beliefs, and whatever else is important to you).

Once you have your objective list of what you're looking for, compare this guy to your list. Does he fit? Don't base your decision on his being new to the city or that he's in a bad financial situation. He's a grown man, and your job isn't to save him.

I wish you all the best, and invite you to tell me what you've decided!

Laurie

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» metwithsilence - I don't know what to do???

In response to I don't know what to do??? posted by LauriePK:
I don't want to 'save' him... Certainly, financially I can't---

But, I don't want to walk out on him.

It's only been a short while that we've dated... but he's had such a rough go at life. Doesn't know his dad, mom had him at 16... joined the navy at 18, joined the police academy, left and went to college... got into editing sound and video---> moved to stl for a job at an ad firm.

Has 1 friend that I know of and is in his cell phone.

Do you have any knowledge of/experience with introverts... those that are diagnosed depressed..?

My only explanation for why he has become so radically different than he was the first five weeks is that he is off his anti-depressant. He was so absolutely kind and considerate... then, one day he just stopped being awesome.

He fit my list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. He was actually the first guy I've dated that I referred to as my partner and not my boytoy, boyfriend, lover, hero, or whatever other title I'd affix to a relationship that wasn't great.

The only thing that didn't match was he's an atheist and I am trying to be agnostic... but probably lean towards being an atheist 45% of the time.

Yes, I need to assess what I want... that is why I pulled away... but I am upset b/c I don't think it makes any difference. He made no attempt to stop me from walking out of his life.

With him being an atheist with no strong relationship foundation role-model.... my one fear about us---that he would not care if i were around or not, came true.

and the reason I'm flummoxed about what I should do is because I care about him and worry that he's in a bad place with no support system.

It might have been a short relationship, but I didn't want it to be... yet, I walked out.

-- posted by metwithsilence

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» Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - I don't know what to do???

In response to I don't know what to do??? posted by metwithsilence:

Sometimes people change when they're not motivated to be a certain way. Maybe it's the antidepressants that you mentioned, maybe he's feeling things differently. Only he knows -- and maybe he himself doesn't have a clear picture of what's going on.

The thing with introverts and depressed feelings -- or just introverts or just people who are depressed -- is that it depends on who they are as people. I don't think there's a blanket statement or diagnosis that covers all introverts and depressed people, you know? There are things going on that aren't evident in this discussion, which makes it impossible to generalize about introverts and depression.

You feel bad for him, yet you know the relationship may not be good for you. You're taking care of yourself (by breaking it off), and you want to help him. It's a tough spot to be in, and you need to objectively decide what's best for you first.

Is there a way you can do both? Be a friend to him, and not let yourself get too intimately involved?

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