Emotional Affairs

Emotional infidelity ranges from "innocent" meetings around the office water cooler to talking until 2 a.m. in a lounge or computer chatroom. Emotional cheating is about sharing deep thoughts and feelings with someone other than your partner – and about keeping emotional secrets. You can be in the same room as your spouse and have an emotional affair with someone else!

The threat of emotional infidelity

In the April 2007 issue of Chatelaine, psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman shared his expertise regarding emotional cheating. He states, "It's easier for a couple to get over a one night stand than an emotional affair." This is because a one night stand is meaningless and doesn't involve true feelings or personal thoughts. An emotional affair, on the other hand, occurs when deep connections are forged. It's more loving and connected than the physical act of sex.

"Most women prefer emotional contact above all, so if their partner is having emotional contact with someone else, it can feel very threatening," says Neuman. Emotional affaris are one form of emotional contact.

Even though emotional cheating damages relationships, "often a betrayal can lead to better communication," he says. If you face two difficult questions and are honest with yourself and your partner, you can strengthen your relationship and move past the emotional affair.

Two simple questions that expose hard truths about emotional infidelity:

If you're involved in an emotional affair, ask yourself two questions.

1. Why did I seek this out?
2. What's missing in my relationship?

Sharing your answers or listening to your partner's reasons for emotional infidelity can take your relationship to a new level. After you're honest, you may break through to better communication and a healthier relationship - no matter how serious the emotional cheating seemed to be.

When you have a healthy relationship, you:

• Share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions honestly.
• Listen to each other's thoughts, feelings, and opinions without judgment.
• Say "I love you" in many different ways.
• Balance privacy with intimacy.
• Don't put anyone else above your partner (eliminate emotional infidelity).
• Support each other's hobbies and interests.
• Feel secure, and strive to make your partner feel secure as well.
• Aren't verbally or physically violent.
• Show love even when you don't feel it.
• Are interested in your partner's work, activities, health, family, etc.
• Trust your partner - and don't feel the threat of physical emotional infidelity.
• Argue without fear, bitterness, inappropriate anger, or manipulation.
• Resolve conflicts – compromise satisfactorily.
• Enjoy a healthy sex life.
• Like being together.
• Aren't worried about hiding your e-mails, letters, or phone calls.
• Aren't forced to share every e-mail, letter, or phone call!
• Encourage other friendships (except emotional affairs of course!).
• Enjoy more good times than bad.

Healthy relationships never involve:

• Emotional cheating, especially consistently.
• Manipulation or mind games.
• Possession and jealousy.
• The "silent treatment."
• Fear, bitterness, or chronic anger.
• Criticism and judgment - especially over past emotional affairs.
• Control over appearance, time, or behavior.
• Ridicule or name-calling.
• Isolation from other friends and family.
• Violence or abuse.
• Passively toleration of emotional infidelity.

Emotional affairs are difficult to overcome, but your relationship will be stronger once you get past the infidelity and back into a strong healthy relationship.

If you found Emotional Affairs: Identifying Emotional Infidelity helpful, you may also like:

• Before You Get Married
• Fighting With Your Spouse
• Fear of Intimacy
• Emotional Cheating

emotional affairs, emotional infidelity

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