Familiarity can kill passion, making casual sex more exciting than committed sex. Here's how fear of intimacy in the bedroom makes casual sex exciting.
For some people, casual sex is risky, mysterious, and sometimes full of urgency. Casual sex is often exciting because chemistry and conquests are alive; causal sex has elements of fear, adventure and unlimited possibilities. The sympathetic nervous system is on full alert, blood pressure is high, and heart rate is racing during casual sex.
In casual sex, the moment is all you have. You’re not worried about what your partner thinks of you and you’re not concerned about what you think of them. You don’t have to fear rejection, and you can engage in fantasies and personas you wouldn’t normally consider. There may still be a sense of responsibility and even care for your partner, but there isn’t usually a commitment.
And there’s no intimacy to kill the mood. This is where fear of intimacy in the bedroom makes casual sex exciting.
The connection between fear of intimacy in the bedroom and casual sex
For some people, knowing too much about your sex partner is a turnoff. Emotional intimacy makes you vulnerable and open for rejection, hurt, and even attack. Emotional intimacy renders you powerless to protect your heart and mind, and that may not get - or keep - the engines humming. Fear of intimacy in the bedroom can lead to casual sex.
Commited sex and fear of intimacy in the bedroom
Committed sex usually involves knowledge of one another: personalities mesh, habits are explored, quirks familiar, and hopes and dreams shared. Emotional intimacy exists. For most couples, emotional intimacy leads to heightened sexual attraction and more physical expressions of love and commitment. Sexual experimentation is more likely when there's no fear of intimacy in the bedroom, and sexual satisfaction is achieved more often. The focus in committed sex is on usually deeper connections and more emotional satisfaction (and maybe an orgasm or two).
Is committed or casual sex better?
It depends on you: your past, your perspective, and your preferences. Some people view committed sex with as much distaste as others view casual sex. It's is a matter of personal opinion and choice, but fear of intimacy does change your preferences. If you're not into emotional intimacy, then you may not enjoy committed sex.
As with most issues, casual sex versus committed sex isn't black and white. The mystery, urgency, and risk of casual sex at one end of the spectrum gradually morphs into the trust, intimacy, and mind-body-soul connection of committed sex. Similar to the three stages of love, committed and casual sex exists on a continuum.
If you found Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom: Is Casual Sex or Committed Sex More Passionate? interesting, try:
The copyright of the article Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Dec 13, 2006 9:45 AM
Leslie Elliott
:
I just finished reading "Ill Equipped for a Life of Sex," by Jennifer Lehr. It is a memoir and tells us the story of Lehr's sexual life and her increasing awareness of her own sexuality. A number of times in the book she wonders why we are never taught how to have flourishing relationships, and healthy sex lives.
I don't think we can underestimate this need. In North American culture, kids don't often see what positive love relationships look like, and the work involved in making them last. My students, although appearing sexually savvy, look confused when I talk about sex as a conversation.
I feel more and more that teens could use some help with sorting this stuff out. Sex ed. understood as STD or pregnancy avoidance is important, but what about including self respect as well?
Dec 13, 2006 10:45 AM
Pink
:
. Great question! . Good luck on getting any discussion going on this subject that is so heavily laden with taboos and proscriptions. . :) . Not a decent subject for mixed company? What? You gotta talk with same sexed people about it and, then, only behind closed doors? .
Dec 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Jodee Redmond
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I think too many of us received the message, either explicitly or implied that our sexuality is something shameful instead of the wonderful gift that it is. Courses in sex ed teach the plumbing and how not to get pregnant or contract a disease. No one talks about how this part of our lives fits into a relationship.
The pervasiveness of pornography in our society doesn't help much, either. It shows casual sex as having no consequences; that is not the case in real life. And it certainly doesn't show the viewer anything about making love - it's just having sex.
Dec 14, 2006 2:13 PM
Pink
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. A good area for self discovery. .
Dec 16, 2006 9:03 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
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Have you heard the statement, "If you can't talk about it with your partner, you shouldn't do it?"
It's awkward & uncomfortable to talk about sex even with the person you're doing it to --- I mean with (just kidding! that's a joke from Frasier's dad). But seriously, if you can't talk about positions or new things with your partner, then you really shouldn't be doing them.
What do you think?
Dec 17, 2006 3:55 AM
Jodee Redmond
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I think this can be quite difficult. Back in the days when I was single, I had some friends who couldn't talk to the young men they were seeing about using condoms. I thought at the time, and still do, that if you can't discuss that, you shouldn't be intimate with that person.
When we ask for what we want in an intimate relationship we run the risk of hearing no or being told there is something bad, wrong, or shameful about our desires. Instead of saying "I want..." maybe a less scary approach would be to say "I've been wondering about (fill in blank here); what do you think?" If you hear ""I don't think so" then you haven't risked so much. You can always ask your partner what about the idea wasn't appealing and perhaps come up with a similar idea he or she is comfortable with.
Dec 17, 2006 11:23 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
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Talking about condoms or positions is a sign of respect for your partner, and yourself. I like the idea of asking your partner, "what do you think of ______?" and discussing views. Going back to what Leslie said about self-respect and teens, the more we as adults are comfortable with open communication, the more comfortable teens will be, too. Maybe that'll take the mystery and excitement and taboo out of sex, causing less promiscuity?
Dec 18, 2006 7:24 PM
Jodee Redmond
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Maybe if teens were taught that sex is very grown up thing to do, it might help combat the problem of teens becoming sexually active at a young age.
To use the example of another grown-up thing, no teen thinks, "Wow, when I get to be an adult, I get to pay bills!" As long as we are not open and honest with our young people, they will continue to try to sample the forbidden fruit.
Dec 19, 2006 5:09 AM
Pink
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. Words aren't necessary to communication. In fact, verbal conversation can get in the way of our best relationships. . High order feed back requires input from each participant in ANY activity. Off subject, in a dog fight between pilots of jet planes, a heat seeking missile cannot hit its target unless the target sends feedback to the sensors in the missle. . Humans are far more complex beings. .
Dec 19, 2006 6:36 AM
Pink
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. In other words, isn't sex all about communication of the self to another? .
