Sometimes you lose touch with friends; other times, you deliberately cut off all contact with bad friends. Ending friendships may be necessary for personal well-being.
Drifting apart happens even when you were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes you just lose touch and move on. Other times you end friendships on purpose, especially if they're weak friendships. When you're ending a friendship, you decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact with bad friends.
Whether it's deliberate or a matter of drifting away, ending friendships can be hard to do - even if you have bad friends or they are weak friendships.
Why people end friendships: weak friendships or bad friends
Some friendships are weaker than others, which makes ending friendships easier. If they're not based on similarities or true connections, ending friendships seems inevitable. Weak friendships may not last very long, especially if the common bonds aren't authentic. Several factors can masquerade as things in common: proximity (simply living or working near one another), common friends, partners who are friends, children who are friends, or loneliness. Other friendships start in one chapter of life, and don’t easily transfer into the next chapter, such as a friendship that began in while you were married to one person, and that ended after the divorce. Then, ending friendships may not be deliberate, but rather more natural.
Other friendships – or even family relationships – are deliberately shut down because they're weak or unhealthy. Ending a friendship is a difficult, often painful decision (even with bad friends or weak friendships).
Ending friendships if you have bad friends. You might consider ending a friendship if:
You don’t feel respected, and your friend doesn’t seem to hear your concerns. For instance, if they may be constantly late meeting you and then disregard your feelings. Or they borrow money and neglect to repay it, or borrow items and return them broken or not at all. Ending friendships may be healthier for you.
You can’t speak your mind honestly, or can’t find space in the conversation to speak at all (healthy boundaries don't exist). Ending friendships may be the honest way to live.
You leave your visits feeling depressed, frustrated, exhausted, depleted or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful. A bad friend makes you feel bad.
Your friend behaves immorally, unethically, illegally, or in any way that runs counter to your beliefs and values. Ending friendships may be the best thing for both of you.
Your friend never makes the effort to call or visit you. You find yourself reaching out, with minimal success. Sometimes you don't even need to formally end a friendship with bad friends, it just happens naturally. Weak friendships often die a natural death.
You're friends with an energy vampire (a type of bad friend). Ending friendships could protect your well-being.
Ending Friendships Because of Unmet Expectations. A huge part of any relationship is expectations. If you expect your friend to meet you promptly every time, then when you’re kept waiting you’ll be disappointed. This isn't necessarily a bad friend or weak friendship. If you know you'll have to wait and even bring a book or your laptop, then you may not feel disrespected or frustrated. All friendships require concessions, exceptions and loving forgiveness. Ending friendships shouldn't be an automatic solution.
Ending Friendships: Your Perspective. Another aspect of all relationships is your view of the issues. Is tardiness a sign of a bad friend or simple disorganization? Is “immoral” behavior universally wrong (selling crystal meth to 12 year olds) or a matter of opinion (Christians shouldn’t drink wine)? Take an objective look at your friendship; do the benefits outweigh the negatives? If you're considering ending a friendship, consider the whole relationship.
When the quality of the friendship outweighs the perceived misdemeanors, then hold on to your friend – good ones are hard to find. But, if the friendship involves more struggle and frustration than connection and joy, then it may be time to say good-bye for good to a bad friend. Ending friendships can protect your health and well-being.
If you found Ending Friendships: When to Say Goodbye to a Bad Friend helpful, you might enjoy:
The copyright of the article Ending Friendships in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Ending Friendships must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Nov 18, 2006 6:16 AM
Migisi
:
. From your article: <i>You leave your visits feeling depressed, depleted, frustrated, tired or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful.</i> . I call them 'energy vampires'. They suck the life right out of me. I've encounter many and, yes, had to lose them on purpose. They are so emotionally needy that, after an afternoon's luncheon, I'm exhausted and need a very long nap. Your word 'depleted' is a good description.
Nov 18, 2006 12:13 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
Do you think "energy vampires" know they do this? - I also wonder if people I find irritating know they're irritating? - And, how do you know if YOU'RE the energy vampire or irritating person?!?
Nov 18, 2006 4:39 PM
Pink
:
. Your article begs the question: . What is a friend? .
Nov 19, 2006 7:47 AM
Pink
:
. Here is another article on friendship: . http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/christianity_protestant/113534 .
Nov 19, 2006 11:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
I guess a "real" friend would treat you well, so you wouldn't have to sever ties. Is that what you mean by "begging the question", Pink?
Nov 20, 2006 4:44 AM
Pink
:
. <i>"Is that what you mean by 'begging the question', Pink?"</i> . No. Once a 'friend' is proven, they are 'there' for you through good times and bad. Getting over the rough spots is what friends do. . Then, there are those 'fair weather friends'. .
Nov 21, 2006 8:21 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
In a perfect world, yes that's what friends do. But it's different when real situations come up, such as betrayal or moral issues. Maybe that's a fairweather friend, cutting people loose when problems arise.
Nov 21, 2006 2:11 PM
Pink
:
. <i>"Maybe that's a fairweather friend, cutting people loose when problems arise."</i> . Maybe. That DOES seem to be the trend. So, how do YOU define the word, friend? .
Nov 21, 2006 9:33 PM
Migisi
:
. <i>Do you think "energy vampires" know they do this?</i> - I found this pretty interesting: http://www.womenof.com/Articles/p_4_5_04.asp (quote) "In contrast, energy vampires exude negative energy that drains. Vampires range from the intentionally malicious ones to those who are oblivious to their effect. Some are overbearing and obnoxious; others are friendly and charming. For example, you're at a party talking to a perfectly nice person, but suddenly you're nauseous or weak. Or how about the co-worker who drones on about how she broke up with her boyfriend for the tenth time? Eventually, she feels better, but you're spent. The bottom line is that on a subtle energy level these people suck you dry. . "There are many types of vampires to watch out for. The main ones I stress in my book are the Drama Queen who wears you out with her dramas; The Sob Sister, who whines all the time; The Blamer, who cuts you down with criticism and The Go-For-The-Carotid type who purposely cuts you down without any respect for your feelings. Keep an eye out for these types so you're aware of their methods, and stop them from draining you. . "Strategies for Dealing with Energy Vampires . "1.Take an inventory of people in your life who give energy, and people who drain. Specifically identify the energy vampires, and begin to evaluate ones you'd like to limit contact with or eliminate. Plan at least one complete afternoon with people who give off positive energy and avoid drainers. Notice how this beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being. . "2. Set Clear Boundaries. It's crucial to limit the time you spend discussing a vampire's gripes. When approaching her, remember: the difference between being a b**ch and setting boundaries is attitude. Instead of saying, "You're selfish and self-obsessed, I can't take you anymore," which a part of you likely feels, take a breath and shift to your heart. . "3. Meditate... . "4. Walk away. If you feel your energy being zapped don't hesitate to politely excuse yourself from a killing conversation. Move at least twenty feet from the person, outside the range of his or her energy field. "I have to go to the bathroom" is a foolproof line. Most people are oblivious to how their energy impacts others. For years, reluctant to hurt anyone's feelings, I needlessly endured these types of situations and suffered. How many of us are so loathe to appear rude that a raving maniac can be right in our face, and still we d
Nov 23, 2006 3:10 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
:
This was a great post!
We all have faults, and weaknesses in our abilities to be friends. Are they clear and easy to see? I don't know.....Maybe.
