Psychology

» paper_turtle - drawing the line

Do you have a hard time saying no? When asked to take on a new committment (like volunteering for a committee), I say no but I feel guilty afterwards.

I wonder if my guilt means I should have taken on the committment?

I used to have a hard time saying no, but then I began to see that saying yes to something when I wanted to say no usually did not have a positive result.

If I simply didn't want to do something and I said yes I might become resentful. (Of course, though, sometimes I stretched myself and found it wasn't so bad after all.)

For me, the guilt is the result of putting other people's needs and feelings ahead of my own--assuming responsibility for how they might respond/feel if I say no.

I can only do so many things. If I try to do more than I have the time and energy to manage, then I set myself up for failure, or at the very least, a lot of unnecessary stress. I also need time to re-charge, and if I feel I have to cram every minute with meaningful activity, then eventually I reach burnout and I can't do much of anything very well.

So when someone asks me to do something I ask for time to think about it. I then consider the pros and cons in terms of what it will mean in my life. If it calls to my heart and I feel I really have something to offer (and the time to give it my full attention), then I say yes (or maybe a qualified yes--"I can't do that, but I can do an hour once a month.")

Otherwise, I express my regret and say no.

peace and love,
Paper Turtle

-- posted by paper_turtle