When Things Go Wrong
The Secret to Surviving is How You Treat Yourself
Surviving hard times isn't about high self-esteem. It's about self-care & compassion. This means not criticizing yourself, dwelling on the worst, or beating yourself up.
When things go wrong, thriving (not just surviving, but thriving) may be all about treating yourself well or self-care. Researchers are discovering that having compassion for yourself when hard times hit may be more helpful than self-esteem.
It's easy to blame other people – or yourself – when things go wrong. It's human nature to dwell on pain and frustration, obsess about how life should be, or criticize yourself, people, and the world in general. In contrast, some people do roll with the punches, face failure with grace, and cheerfully accept that life comes with problems (and solutions!).
Psychology Professor Mark R. Leary (DukeUniversity) said "self-compassion helps to eliminate a lot of the anger, depression, and pain we experience when things go badly for us."
When you practice self-care, you'll:
- Feel less anger, frustration, and pain, depression.
- Blame yourself or beat yourself up far less often.
- Get defensive or ornery less often.
- Struggle less with painful memories (real or imagined).
- Accept responsibility when things go wrong.
- Deal with negative emotions in healthy ways.
- Have a self-perspective that doesn't depend on the outcomes of events, but rather on your own positive view of yourself.
"Self-compassion helps people not to add a layer of self-recrimination on top of whatever bad thing happens to them," says Leary.
How do you practice self-care & compassion?
- Be kind to yourself (rather than critical). You know when you're being hard on yourself, and you have the power to stop.
- View your problem as a normal part of life.
- Identify and accept both the good and the bad with tranquility and peace.
- Focus on thoughts that make you feel safe, calm, happy, and peaceful.
- Turn away from bitterness, anger, disappointment, and frustration – after you've spent some time feeling the negative emotions.
- Breathe deeply, get fresh air, and enjoy the view (even if it's from your hospital room).
- Pray, meditate, or take "down time."
- Savor foods you love: chocolate ice cream, peaches, spicy chicken wings, gingerbread cookies, cheese-covered nachos. Practice moderation – because if you overindulge, you're no longer savoring.
Self-compassion overrules self-esteem when things go wrong in your life. Leary says, "American society has spent a great deal of time and effort trying to promote people's self-esteem when a far more important ingredient of well-being may be self-compassion."
You can feel great about yourself but be flattened by hard times; however, if you are kind and compassionate to yourself, you're more likely to survive life at its worst.
If you enjoyed this article, try Make New Habits & Break Old Ones.
