What Not to Say to the Bereaved
Listing of the Things You Shouldn't Tell Grieving People
It’s only natural to want to comfort someone who is grieving a close, personal loss. However, saying the wrong thing to a grieving person can compound the grief that an individual is feeling. Here is a listing of the things that shouldn’t be said to someone who is grieving and why.
"I Know How You Feel"
Unless you have actually experienced the type of loss the grieving individual is going through – you do not know how he or she feels. This phrase should be avoided unless you have also lost a child.
"Things Happen For a Reason"
This is not a very thoughtful thing to say to a grieving individual. When you are grieving the death of a child or the loss of a spouse, there is no reason that is good enough to justify the loss. What if a grieving person turned around and asked you what the reason was? Would you have the wisdom to give an accurate answer?
"You Need to Find Closure"
Unless you have had a loved one murdered, a loved one die in a violent way or seen a loved one go through an agonizing dying process due to illness or disease, you have no way of comprehending that closure is an impossibility. You cannot shut the door on someone’s life.
"At Least He/She is no Longer in Pain"
While this is a nice sentiment, the simple truth is grieving people are questioning while their loved one had to be in pain in the first place. Unless you have the answers to many of life's mysteries, it's best to leave this phrase out of your vocabulary.
"You Need to Move Forward"
This statement shows the ignorance of society in understanding the stages of grief. Grief is not something that one can "be over" and move forward from within a few months. Grief is a long process that requires much work. Until grief is processed and all the secondary losses dealt with, there is really no way to move forward.
"Time Heals All Wounds"
This statement is a cliché that society has generated to try to soothe a hurting individual. The truth is that sometimes time can hurt. Each day that passes that your child is not with you or every holiday that you have to endure without a parent, spouse or sibling can truly highlight the absence of a loved one. What time can do is give people the necessary skills they need to cope with the loss.
"You Can Have Another Child"
This is the cruelest blow that someone dealing with parental grief can hear. This statement shows that the speaker has total blindness and disrespect to the deceased child to think that a child can be replaced like a lost piece of luggage or a totaled vehicle.
"If This Happened to Me, I'd Just Die"
The sad truth of the matter is that most grieving individuals hurt so bad that they often wish they were dead. Yet, they wake up each morning and learn to live another day. To hear this statement makes a grieving person feel that you are thinking they do not love their deceased person as much as you love your family or friends.
Many people feel they must say something in tough situations, but the truth is that sometimes in life there is really nothing to say about a situation. In times like these a simple ‘I’m so sorry’ will suffice. Don’t be afraid of silence. Just being present, available and lending an ear for a grieving individual is all that’s needed.
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