Understanding Jealousy Among Adult Siblings

Finding the Underlying Cause of Jealousy, Envy and Rivalry

Dec 18, 2008 Jennifer Berube

Recent studies take a look at the long term effects of brother and sister relationships when being the "pretty one" and/or the "smart one" trumps being the first born.

There are a number or theories when it comes to finding the root of sibling jealousy and endless combinations of possible factors. Maybe your brother was the first born and it was always obvious that he received the most love from your parents. Maybe he was the first born, brilliant and extremely good-looking. Maybe you suffered from “middle child syndrome” as well and had to watch the oldest and youngest get spoiled while you played with hand-me-down dolls. Or maybe, just maybe, you were the one the others were jealous of.

But, researchers agree, no matter which side of the spectrum you were on, those childhood feelings can manifest themselves into an ugly lifetime resentment, filled with competition, childish antics (especially at family gatherings) and horribly unfunny jokes.

Cognitive Goals and Communicative Responses Associated with Jealousy, Envy, and Rivalry Among Adult Siblings

Researchers at the University of Hawaii at Manoa presented a new study to the Family Communication Division for the 2008 meeting of the National Communication Association in San Diego.

The study, which surveyed 205 participants, examined cognitive and behavioral aspects of jealousy, envy and rivalry experienced among adult siblings. An online survey asked undergraduate students aged 18 to 40 to rate their level of relationship satisfaction with their brothers and sisters.

Results showed that 56 percent of the respondents reported instances of sibling jealousy, envy or rivalry. It proved what Fitzpatrick & Badzinski already told us in 1994 - siblings tend to compare themselves on several domains such as attractiveness, intelligence and success.

The study went on to say the results indicated that these three emotions are salient by many individuals beyond childhood, but not often dealt with properly. Participants reporting on a jealous incident said they discussed the issue with another person as the primary response, discussed it with the sibling or avoided the issue entirely. Initial coping responses for envious experiences included talking to the sibling or simply avoiding the other person by using coping tactics like acceptance and discussion with another person. The most common initial coping response for participants dealing with sibling rivalry was verbal assault, followed by discussion with sibling, acceptance, making a joke of it and sarcasm.

New Study Turns to the Children for Answers

In an effort to find the root of sibling jealousy, researchers asked a group of fifth and sixth graders what makes them jealous of their brothers and sisters.

North Carolina State University Professor Amy Halberstadt found children were able to pinpoint four key issues that cause jealousy between siblings:

• if one sibling receives a gift and the other does not
• if parents tend to take one sibling's side over another's when there is conflict
• if parents spend more time with one sibling than another
• if one sibling gets more attention than another due to a talent or skill

Treating and Preventing Sibling Rivalry and Jealousy Before it’s Too Late

Experts say parents should treat each child fairly; identify and enhance each child’s strengths; avoid making comparisons between children; recognize the signs of a fight; punish all children involved in a fight; and reward children for not fighting.

The copyright of the article Understanding Jealousy Among Adult Siblings in Psychology is owned by Jennifer Berube. Permission to republish Understanding Jealousy Among Adult Siblings in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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Jul 27, 2009 10:46 AM

Guest :

I am 43 years old and have dealt with a spoiled elder brother all my life. To this day, my mother allows him to treat her with no respect, and when I try to do the right thing, she doesn't follow through. My brother is a selfish, self-serving spoiled adult alcoholic. He has followed my mother everywhere she lived, and lost his job 2 years ago and has been living with her ever since. Paying no bills, not doing chores, and basically doing whatever he wants which is usually nothing. I go over to do the lawn, run some errands for her and try the best I can while caring for my husband who is disabled. My brother has no respect for anyone or himself and I've told her that I don't like him, will not tolerate him and if she is going to let him stay, then make him do the right thing. It gets me even more angry when I tell her this and she does not answer. She knows deep down he's selfish, she has even admitted it. But she is a classic enabler and will not set him straight. My mother suffers from depression and anxiety, and him being there has not made it any better for her. After a drunken argument, my husband and I do not allow him over our home anymore and we cut him off totally. I know this hurts my mother, but I also told her how much it hurts me - to see her putting up with him. There is no solution to this I suppose, but it is one that is difficult to accept - I don't think I ever will. If anyone else is going through or has gone through the same - I would like to hear your comments/suggestions. Disgusted in North Carolina...

Jul 30, 2009 1:08 PM

Guest :

I am a 23 year old with two sisters, and believe me I deal with my fair share of sibling rivalry. I have never felt the need to compete with my sisters, but they DO NOT feel the same way. Because of their jealousy, I have to deal with them trying to make me look stupid at family events and around their friends and boyfriends. Before I knew jealousy was the cause of this, I use to take it very personally and suffered self-confidence problems growing up. I am a decently attractive person, caring, I have a creative mind, and feel that I am somewhat intelligent. I was diagnosed with a.d.d as a child, and I have always been put down by my familoy for this. My older sister told me that she didn't think it was fair that I got special treatment for having a problem, and I guess that is why she was so jealous. Knowing what I know about a.d.d, now, I no longer think of myself as stupid, but I did for so long. They always told me that I was just feeling sorry for myself, and that I should just get over it, but it is kind of hard when you are constantly being bullied. Of course it use to get a reaction out of me, but my parents just thought of this as a reason to think I was mentally unstable. my older sister spent a lot of time trying to convince them of this too. Jealousy is a very dangerous thing, jealousy is a very selfish thing, and jealousy is very heartless. Wanting other people, and other siblings look stupid because you feel inadequate is just unfair! I spent so much of my earlier childhood suffering, with no support, because my sisters couldn't get over their jealousy. All I wanted was to be close to them, and all they wanted to do was make me feel bad about myself. In addition, my relationship with my parents suffered a great deal, because they just couldn't see through it. My mother died three years ago, but my older sister spent so much time convincing her I was the devil that I never got to build a close relationship with her. It wasn't until after I died that I realized this was what was causing the rift between us. If you are jealous of a sibling, get over it. Stop being so selfish because of your insecurites!

Aug 7, 2009 2:10 PM

Guest :

I don't know if these comments receive responses, but I have been wracked with emotional pain due to my younger of two daughters' jealousy. She is 23 and has demonstrated almost a hateful jealousy of her older sister for years now. The older daughter always had talents growing up which were recognized by others (piano, writing, sewing). It was natural for people to be impressed. She also was a very sweet young lady, not as feisty as our younger 23 year old. As an adult, this one is beautiful, hard working and has her own talents. SHe is happily married and a gourmet cook. But still she is cold and mean-spirited where her sister is concerned. Can you direct me to a site on which these concerns are addressed?

Aug 12, 2009 7:58 PM

Guest :

My daughter is 19 years old, very pretty, very smart, her bosses and teachers always speak so highly of her - but at home - wow -she is totally the opposite. She is unbelievably cruel to me (her mom) and her younger brother, he's 16 - and has been bullied all his life - by her and at by kids at school. My daughter's behavior and jealousy towards my son is making our daily life very difficult. After many years of being bullied at school, he finally has a good group of friends - and whenever they come over, my daughter bad mouths him in front of them, ridicules him, and basically embarrasses him. Both my husband & I, always interfere when this happens, and we set her straight, but it doesn't last. What is her goal? What does she get out of this? I am at my wits end - I have seen a counselor, and he said that I only have one option: I have to tell her that I will not allow her to abuse her brother anymore - or she will have to move out. I love both my children, and I know forcing my daughter to move out, will end up hurting her academically, and her whole future might go down the drain - but having her stay, is hurting my son. She refuses to see a counselor with us, so please - any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Aug 13, 2009 8:48 PM

Guest :

I'm the oldest(24) and we are one year apart. my two siblings, a brother and sister are so spolied and think they are better, smarter than me. they both went to university, i didnt. my parents always take thier side and give them whatever they want. my brother makes more money then my mother and does not pay his own bills.my dad is a stay at home dad and is control of the finances and gives these two whatever they want.they dont even want to take the bus when its neccesary, someone has to sacrifice thier schedule to accomadate these two. im am so sick of the verbal abuse. they also like to tell me to lose weight when im not even that big and i dont see why its any of their business anyway. when my mom is frustated after a long day at work she only takes it out on me not on anyone else. she only calls me stupid, god forbid she call them stupid, they went to uni.i was happier when they both went away for school and i cant wait to get out of this house. i am also the better looking one and i dont look like them. so mayb it is jealousy. but im also a quiet person and those two are so loud and annoying.

Aug 24, 2009 6:56 PM

Guest :

I have you all beat! I have 10 brothers and sisters and they have ALL turned against me. I am the third oldest... I am lucky enough to be married to the nicest, most handsome man. We have a successful business that we worked very hard to build, no thanks to anyone. We did not have money growing up. I was always helpful as a child, and still am to this day. However, that seems to make my family even more resentful. The jealousy is unbelievable!! I must add that I am a VERY private person and never brag about anything, especially money. I have tried to confront some of them because they are constantly backstabbing me and they literally run away or I get the phone slammed down on me! It really hurts my feelings to be treated like this after doing favors for EVERY one of them. I have never asked for anything in return. I am always kind and considerate, but not one of them is on my side. My friends say I am too nice and that its their problem. Also, that I cannot change them, no matter how good I am to them, and that I should disown them. Maybe I wouldn't have this problem if they did somthing with their lives'. Anyone else the object of jealousy ?? How do you handle it? It really stinks!

Sep 1, 2009 1:35 AM

Guest :

I am in a completely different position to every one else on this site and if you look at it from a different angle I probably look like the bad guy. I am eleven years old and I have a four year old brother because I am seven years older than my brother I was treated like an only child basically being completely spoilt. I was the only daughter and the only grandchild on one side of my family. Then my brother came and when I was seven I was really selfish and I didn't understand why my little brother got all the attention as he was not the best looking baby and the first thing I said when I saw him was that he looked like a wrinkly old man. As he got older though I am still spoiled more than him and I am pretty certain that I am my dads favourite but I'm not sure about my mum. My brother is actually a very handsome four year old but I'm also quite goodlooking. I think that my whole family adores me because I am the first grandchild the only grandaughter and I was the first to do my important exams choosing which senior school to go to. I got two academic scholarships and I got into basically the best school in Oxford, that's in England I'm British. So everyone likes my intelligence and they all think I'm good looking and even though I'm a bit biased they all think that I have charisma and personality. They mainly like my personality because I am an excellant debater. Not to bost. I sometimes tease my brother because I'm bored but I shouldn't be bred as I have so many things I have : a phone, an ipod, a wii, a camera, a laptop, a ds, a ds lite, a dsi and a gameboy advance. Which is a lot but thankfully I'm not a spoiled brat just a spoiled thankful person. My brother might grow up and be jealous because he is going to a governmant primary school for the first year or two and I have always gone to a private school. He also gets all my hand me downs like toys books ect. I also got an en suite at the age of ten and he just has a normal room a bit smaller than mine. I basically just seached into google sibling jealousy so that I could avoid my brother being jelous. Sometimes I am mean to him but I really love him deeep down and I wouldn't want him to be jelous of me. So if anyone knows how to stop him being jelous of me when he gets older that would really help my family and I. I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Sep 21, 2009 10:19 AM

Guest :

I am 53 years old and still going through the jealousy from my elder sister, 7 years elder to me. I was married in an affluent family, my husband doing well in his business. This sister was always jealous of me and wanted to do business with my husband(he didn't know about this rivalry and would not listen to me). It was our bad time that hubby was losing badly in his business. He wanted to pay to the company of which he was the agent, thinking that business will pickup. Since my sister was insisting to do business, hubby approached her for the money to pay to the company. Our bad time had started you can say, that things were going against us. Hubbies elder brother was also jealous minded, he also pushed him into it, with the result we were literally on the footpath,house was sold. This led to my sister taking full advantage of the situation. She would write letter, call us on phone with words full of abuse and hatred. I was telling her about what I was going through, but was shocked to see her cruelty, that she wanted money at any cost. She poisoned parents mind against me saying that we are cheating and not giving her money back.For 15-20 years we have been struggling but my parents were so much under sister's influence(I also observed that they were not interested to listen to me,thinking I was lying), they never paid heed when I would tell them about our business losses.
Now after many years of struggle, hubby's new business setup is picking up. This again has created jealousy in my sister. Now after 20 yrs, she wants the money back. We are not denying to give back the money, but the way she has been asking for it, no sympathy for our struggle, that we've kept the condition that unless and until she apologises for torturing us mentally during our bad phase, we'll not return the money. Do you think this is a wise decision?

Oct 20, 2009 9:23 AM

Guest :

I am an adult and I am finding myself on the receiving end of some pretty hateful jealousy coming from my younger adult sister. I think there may have always been some jealousy toward me in the past. I guess I could have been considered to be the older, more mature, maybe prettier sister. I was asked out on dates frequently. She wasn't really asked out on dates. But she always had a bit of a dark side to her. In our teens, she began stealing from me, and trying to turn her friends off to me. Even though I thought that every now and then she may act the way she does because of possible jealousy, I tried to understand her, and tried to keep our sisterly relationship intact. I guess in my mind, I didn't want her jealousy to get in the way of our relationship. As we became adults, it seems her jealousy got the better of her. She did things to try to ruin my wedding, she shouted at me for no reason, etc. It seemed to always be something with her. In trying to keep some semblance of a relationship with her, I tried to forgive and forget. I always valued my relationships with friends and family, no matter how challenging. However a few years ago, she really did something that was very hurtful. She was planning a big party for her daughter, and called me to let me know she was planning this party. She said she knew that that particular month was very busy for me, so she wanted to know what date she should set the party for, so that I would be able to attend. She acted like she wanted to ensure that I could go by double-checking what would be a good date for me. I thanked her for being so thoughtful, and said that any date would be fine. She then rephrased the question by saying, "Well, what would be the worst date for you this month?" I then said, well if I have to pick what the worst day would be for me, it would be on ___ date. A couple of weeks later, I received an invitation to the party for that date. The date that she made me state as the worst one. When I responded that I would not be able to make it, she totally freaked out. She went to the family to try to make it appear that I decided not to go for no reason. I've tried to discuss this with her, but she's decided to stick with what she convinced herself to believe. I've tried to contact her over the last several years, but she doesn't respond. This situation has been difficult to accept, but I've done all that I can to try to fix it. She needs to mature a bit.

Nov 9, 2009 6:29 AM

Guest :

Oh my, I'm so glad this article is here, although it doesn't tell me how to fix my situation. What can I do when I have totally given up on my 4 sisters? They won't speak to me and that's fine, I HAD to stand for what I believe is the right thing to do, which was try to brighten my mothers spirits during her chemo. The sister that is a year younger than me must have gotten jealous of Mom asking me to take her to get a wig, and now she's made it seem as though I'm running EVERYTHING into the ground. (Also has verbally said as much.) She's always been the one asked to do these things for my mother, this time it was me, and she's made total chaos of my family. I'm not hopeless, believe me, I'm standing tall. But standing tall alone without family hurts. I will say, I will NEVER change my mind, no matter how long it takes them to speak to me. I'm the one my brother moved back home so the 4 sisters of mine decided to make my parents suffer without their presence. Therefore my mother asked me to do these things for her. Childish I know, and especially from 54, 50, 42 and 40 year old women. PATHETIC!!!

Nov 29, 2009 2:15 PM

Guest :

I am 22 years old I have two brothers. I am the only girl out of the three of us. I always knew that I was a little spoiled. All of us was really jest by diffrent people. This week end I was at me older brother and sister in law house, with my friend and my middle brother. I'm not sure if my older brother had a little to much to drink, He really attacked me. He even went so far as throwing me on the ground. All he kept saying is you are jest an imitatiom of me. The thing is we have similar personalities, but are very diffrent people. My oldest brother is six year older than me, but I always seem to acomplish thing before him. Like buyimg my first car, moving on my own. I really never thought anything of it. When he did that to me I did not try to fight back cause that's my brother. Most say that I am a fighter, but most of all I was caught off guard. I did not know that's coming at all. From that point on I knew that it was a jealousy issue. My only question was what made my brother attack his sister.

11 Comments