Here's how to recognize and cope with three common relationship problems. Included are tips on expressing yourself appropriately and overcoming emotional distance.
The most common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others. Here's how to recognize and deal with three common relationship problems.
Fear of Intimacy
Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment and emotional distance.
Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly anxious about losing their selves, which makes them extremely guarded and hard to know. People with a fear of intimacy may fear being trapped or suffocated, which exacerbates their relationship fears.
Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won't at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.
Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this common relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.
Fear of Abandonment
Most of us don't want to be alone, and are dismayed at the thought of being rejected or abandoned. Even the healthiest people have some fear of abandonment. We know we could survive but life is better and easier with others (this is a primal instinct). We fear being left due to death, rejection, illness, physical or even emotional distance.
Becoming independent and emotionally healthy with your own life and goals is an ideal way to deal with this common relationship problem.
These most common relationship problems are revealed in different ways:
Overinvolvement in another person's life
Constant phone calls, visits, e-mails, etc.
Requests for attention or acknowledgement
Jealous or controlling behaviors (common relationship fears)
Withdrawal or extreme guardedness
To minimize these common relationship problems:
Be aware of your fears! It's okay to feel fear of intimacy; simply knowing that you're afraid of losing yourself and being engulfed by your relationship or family could prevent it from happening. When you know what you fear, you're in a better position to deal with it. Accepting that you have a common relationship problem will help you solve it.
Express yourself appropriately. If you're afraid of being abandoned, try not to suffocate your loved ones with excessive attention or jealousy. Talk about your feelings, write them down – see a counselor if you're really struggling. Don't let your relationship problems – which are normal – dictate your behavior or wreck your relationship.
Get educated. Do you have an extreme fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment? Find out how to successfully deal with change and how to be supportive when your loved ones want to change. Read books, seek support groups, or talk to a counselor about your relationship problems.
These common relationship problems take some work to overcome, but being aware and open to change will go a long way.
If you found The 3 Most Common Relationship Problems helpful, you might want to read:
The copyright of the article The 3 Most Common Relationship Problems in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish The 3 Most Common Relationship Problems in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I an currently in the the process of a divorce. I have been in a abusive
relationship for almost eight years. never physical but emotional and
mental. I am full of anger and fear. fear of the change and anger because i
dtill love him and want him to change. I am in a 12 step program and I hope
for him to get it. I am learning to detach and try to move on with my life.
I have stuffed my feelings for so long and did not deal with all the
affairs and verbal abuse. My husband is a very sick man and is into his
disease reallly bad. So i always put him first and in the process i lost
myself. Trying to change my old behavior and move forward is hard. Trying
not to blame myself for staying in this marriage for so long. Anyone out
there ever dealt with this? would love to here info on detachment and
letting go. When you still love that person but know it's best to move on.
Feb 3, 2007 2:37 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Good for you for being in the 12 step program, and for dealing with your
feelings! Probably the hardest thing is to let go of your hopes for your
marriage - and stop wanting to change him. You can only change yourself,
and take care of your own future and dreams and goals.
You did
the best you could in your marriage, and there's no point in blaming
yourself for anything. It's not your fault.
Now, your focus
could be on making yourself healthy, figuring out who you are, and moving
on.....
How do you move on?? In practical ways, I mean.
Hmmm.....I'm thinking and will come back to you......
Feb 3, 2007 4:18 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I wrote about letting go and saying good-bye (link below), and the two
first suggestions are the most important. I'm struggling with letting go of
my sister, who hasn't returned my calls for over a year (obviously lots of
drama there). I've personally found that accepting that I couldn't have
done anything differently and forgiving myself for my mistakes are crucial
in letting go of the past.
Accepting yourself, your past, and
releasing the burden of guilt and pain is SO freeing! It's easier to remain
trapped in the mire of blame, regret, disappointment, loss - lots of
negative stuff - but the release of letting go is phenomenal (and hard, and
has to be done daily).
I am a survivor of a physically and emotionally abusive husband. With
therapy, I learned how to take care of myself by expressing what I need, I
feel and I want. (I was raised by a controlling mother who made me feel
those things were selfish because it was always about her. I stopped
trying to "take care" of him. My pleasing days are OVER!!! Once I regained my self-esteem and confidence, I was able to set healthy
boundaries in all areas of my life. It feels good to say
"NO" and not feel guilty !!!!! NO ONE WILL EVER ABUSE ME
AGAIN !!!!!!!!
Sep 10, 2008 12:23 PM
Guest :
I have always had a fear of men and it's continuing now and it hurts the
ones I care about most so I'm currently trying to find myself
Feb 1, 2009 1:04 AM
Guest :
I've just started a new relationship with a WONDERFUL new man and on paper,
things could not be better. But I have a few unresolved issues that are
bubbling away deep below the surface. I'm not quite sure what they are, but
I know that deep down, I'm horrendously insecure. I have a man who loves me
and worships the ground I walk on - he is so attentive and so caring and
thoughtful and lovely and gorgeous and so much more! But I am TERRIFIED
that he'll get bored of me one day, or decide he doesn't like me. Or that
my past will put him off (I had a couple of affairs with older, married
men...but that's another issue). He says he won't and that he loves me for
who I am, but how do I know that?? So I push him, I test him. I tell him
things about me and my past that I wouldn't tell to anyone else, just to
see how he'll react and, I suppose, to prove myself right if he DOES leave
me. My dad left when I was 5 (we were his "second" family),
my mum had a succession of boyfriends who were never around for more then 2
or 3 years, I tried to get in contact with my dad again when I was 12/13,
but he didn't really seem to care, I had a few dodgy relationships with (I
know this now!) complete idiots who I shouldn't have wasted my time on (one
married, one an ex-boyfriend of a best friend, two had girlfriends, the
other was just an idiot) and then last year I tried to get in contact with
my dad again (as an adult), but was told by his family that he wanted
nothing to do with me and my brother. Nice! This shouldn't affect me - I've
grown up without him, WHY does it get to me now? Anyway, so because
I'm so insecure, I eat. ALOT! I'm not fat by any stretch of the imagination
(size 10/12), but I binge. It's compulsive...I MUST have that 4th bread
roll or the world will end. I don't like eating so much, I would get really
fat if I wasn't so active and I don't want to be like that. I'm insecure
about my body infront of other people. Not even my boyfriend has seen me
fully naked. I sould eat SENSIBLE amounts (it's not WHAT I eat, it's HOW
MUCH I eat), then I'd lose the extra pounds and be more confident about my
body. If I can STOP contantly and compulsively eating (mainly in the
evenings - there's not much else to do!) then I'll feel better in myself.
Every time I eat that 4th bread roll or that 2nd tub of ben and jerrys this
week, or even ALL the bananas I have in my fruit bowl in one sitting, I
feel worse. I beat myself up about eating so much but I can't stop. Any advice?
Feb 1, 2009 6:02 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for sharing your story -- and it totally makes sense that your
father stuff is coming up now, because you have a great man in your life!
It's normal to be afraid that he'll leave too.....but you can't let that
fear and insecurity rule your life. Don't set up a self-fulfilling prophecy
(if we believe something will happen, we act in ways that causes that thing
to happen -- when it might not have happened on its own!).
It
sounds like you're an emotional eater. I can't give you all the info I've
written on emotional eating here in this comment section -- but here are a
few articles that might help:
How to Stop Emotional Eating http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_emotional_eating
Overcoming Bulimia http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_bulimi
a
At the end of each article are more related links.
Good luck with it -- and feel free to share your thoughts on any of
those articles!
Laurie
Feb 10, 2009 5:41 PM
Guest :
JR: I have had constant issues with relationships since i was small. My
father was an alcoholic and was continually mentally and emotionally
abusive, my mother used me as her agony aunt and controlled me with guilt.
I have been left as an adult with very low self esteem and in relationships
i am paranoid, jealous and controlling. I find it very difficult to cope. I
find myself searching through his things seeking something to show he is
not to be trusted. I have terrible jealously and cannot bare to see him
admire other women, this extends to magazines and tv, i have panic attacks
when there are any naked women or sex scenes, or anything vaguely sexual. I
am afraid he will be aroused by anything other than me. When he is out I
have anxiety attacks that he will not come back, I cant cope if i don't
know when he will be home. I think this stems from my father constantly
disappearing and mum and i having to find him when he didn't come home. I
have been suffering with terrible depression during my last relationship as
i find it very difficult to deal with these issues. The more I react and we
argue the worse i feel about myself. I have just started to see a new
councellor and i hope to make some progress. I am just so tired of not
being able to relax and be at peace with myself and in my relationship. In
my regular life i am open minded and fun-loving but in a relationship i
loose all sense of myself and become controlling and judgemental. Do you
have any advice or can you recommend any useful online resources i can
check out?? Thank you.
Feb 12, 2009 7:11 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I think it's wonderful you realize this about yourself -- that's the first
step to solving your relationship problems!
I suggest being
honest with your partner. A counselor once told me that talking about your
relationship is one the of healthiest things you can do. So, I suggest you
tell your partner that you feel insecure, and it's not about HIM, it's
about you. Tell him why you're struggling with these feelings, where they
stem from, and what you're doing to overcome them.
Start working
on your issues with someone you trust - like a counselor. When you're
dealing with deep-seated emotional issues,it's really hard to be honest and
see yourself objectively. This is the beauty of a good counselor or
psychologist: he or she can help you accept your past and practice healthy
ways to cope with your life! A good counselor will challenge you and anger
you......and you'll learn how to be the person you want to be in your
relationships.
Counselors can also recommend books. I can't
offhand, I'm sorry to say. Same with online resources -- I'm not sure which
ones are good or healthy -- and I'm not familiar with all the ones out
there, so I can't help you there.
Plus, I don't think online
resources are as good as in-person help. Websites and blogs are great for
getting information, but I don't think they're necessarily a good source of
personal counseling. That said, I know there are lots of great sites out
there! It requires a little digging, I guess.
Good luck - it
sounds like you want to get help and get into a healthy relationship!
That's great...and I really hope you do.
Laurie
Feb 24, 2009 7:10 AM
Guest :
I'm not sure where to start or if this is even a good place to write. I've
been in a relationship now about 8 months with an amazing girl. She
genuinely loves me for me and we have a lot of fun together. In the
beginning I wasn't really sure things were going to go anywhere, nor was I
100% sure I wanted them to, but I fell for her and I love her and care for
her so very much.
After a couple of months my anxiety started
to flair up as it tends to do sometimes to the point of being overwhelming.
And while it was never brought on by anything specifically all my anxiety
seemed to focus on the relationship leading to many periods of doubt and
uncertainty. It's been awful to know what you want and how you really feel
but to have all this doubt in your head telling your differently.
Eventually I went to a doctor and started on meds again. Now I'm on
Cymbalta, going on about 3 months, and things are really getting any
better.
Anxiety is still relatively high and now I'm feeling
more zombish than normal. I don't really feel anything most of the time,
like I'm just floating through life. I also have this problem, this was
before the medicine, where I overanalyze everything in my life. I
overthink every situation to the point where I almost try to plan every
action and encounter and where I dwell on peoples responses and reactions.
I also get ovely upset over the littlest things. Needless to say it's
not making things easy on my relationship. Sometimes I even get upset and
her and gripe at her and I don't know why. It hurts me and it hurts
her.
I don't know how my girlfriend puts up with me but I'm glad
she does even if she deserves better. I want to help myself before I end
up ruining something great.
Feb 24, 2009 11:09 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
You haven't asked for feedback, and I don't generally respond unless people
ask a question -- but I have to commend you on your self-awareness! You
seem to have a handle on who you are and how your behavior affects other
people, and that's such an important step in maintaining healthy
relationships.
Keep being honest with her, rewarding yourself
for acting the way you think is best, and striving to be a better man. And,
forgive yourself for making mistakes -- none of us are perfect, and we do
hurt our partners from time to time, no matter how much we love them!
I just want to encourage you to keep working on your relationship
and who you are as a person -- because that will ultimately lead to a
successful life.
Best regards, Laurie
Feb 24, 2009 11:37 AM
Guest :
Oops. Yeah I guess I didn't really ask for any kind of response though yes
I was looking for feedback, so thanks for responding.
I'll
take your advice and just keep on keeping on I suppose. Thanks
Aug 25, 2009 12:07 PM
Guest :
Hi, I am currently struggling in my marriage of five years. i struggle
with feeling insecure, not trusting him, afraid of losing him. My mother,
sisters and I were abandoned by my dad for another woman. I am trying to
find a local support group to attend. I don't communicate well with my
husband and I feel that he holds things back from me. what should I do?
Aug 25, 2009 7:07 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I'm sorry that you're struggling in your marriage. Those are
tough issues to be dealing with, at any stage of a relationship!
You're on the right track, by finding a support group. It sounds like
you're dealing with both fear of intimacy and fear of rejection, which are
common relationship problems. And, it's very understandable, given your
father leaving you, your mom, and your sisters. It's great that you know
what the root of the problem is...now you just need to figure out how to
deal with that root, so it doesn't destroy your marriage!
I
encourage you to try both couples and individual counseling. Sometimes all
it takes is a session or two with a good therapist, who can objectively
point out where we're going off track. I have no idea if your husband is
actually holding back from you, or if that's your own fear of rejection.
That's where a counselor would be very helpful!
If you'd like to
read about overcoming fear of intimacy, go to my Psychology Blog.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on
"Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll
down to "How Do I Overcome Fear of Intimacy?" It'll also be
listed under "July 2009" in the list on the side.
Best
wishes, and please do come back if you have more questions or thoughts!
Feb 2, 2007
