It's sometimes difficult to recognize when a friendship is over. Here's how to accept that a friend has ended your relationship, and how to learn from lost friends.
Most friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, accept new responsibilities, or embark on different stages of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don't understand why, it can be especially painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without telling you why you’ve been dropped. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without expressing hurt feelings towards you.
The loss of friendship might be worth reflecting on. Knowing when a friendship is over and why it ended may help you build stronger friendships in the future.
When a friendship is over:
See if you can pinpoint a problem. When a friendship is over, review your relationship. Perhaps you remember your friend complaining that you’re always late, or repeatedly asking for the money they lent you seven years ago. Maybe you rarely return their phone calls, or constantly flirt with their partner. Maybe you always need a ride to the airport, help renovating, or babysitting services – but you rarely return the favor. When a friend ends your relationship, try to uncover the reasons the friendship is over.
Write a letter to your friend. Express your feelings about the friendship. Do you miss seeing them? Do you have any regrets? Would you act differently if you were still friends? Tell your friend how you feel – be vulnerable – without accusing or complaining. Make it a positive, honest communication. When a friendship is over, you have nothing to lose.
Express your feelings of hurt, anger, or rejection. Write or talk about how you feel in a journal or letter – something you don’t necessarily plan to send. When a friendship is over, it's important to communicate exactly how hurt or betrayed you feel, and why. Write until you have nothing left to say. Edit and send it, or just burn it. When a friend ends your relationship, you do have the right to express yourself.
Communicate that you are open to reestablishing the friendship. When a friendship is over and you want to reconnect some day, send Christmas, Hannukah, or birthday cards. Say hi and send greetings through mutual friends. If your friend experiences a death or illness in the family, mail a card or send flowers. When a friendship is over, don't give up until you're ready.
Resolve to make your existing friendships better. A counselor once told me that simply talking about your relationship – how you communicate and interact – strengthens your bonds. Talk to your existing friends. Are you happy with how often you see one another and the activities you do together? Are they happy with your friendship? If a friend ends your relationship, learn something from it.
When a friendship is over, don’t:
Disrespect your former friend by gossiping or complaining to mutual friends. Your friend has the right to end your relationship. When a friendship is over, let it go.
Burn all bridges – sometimes old friendships and lost friends can be resurrected to be stronger than before. When a friendship is over, it may be a temporary thing.
Act in the heat of the moment or say things you might regret. If a friend ends your relationship, accept it without blowing up.
Push for communication (ie, don’t stalk your friend). When a friendship is over, let it be over.
If you found When a Friendship is Over: Recognizing That a Friend Has Ended Your Relationship helpful, try:
The copyright of the article When A Friendship Is Over in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish When A Friendship Is Over in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I had a friend but was unsure if she was a friend. I felt she was
unsuppotive of me looking for love in me life,but yet she was searching.she
helped be when I was down but I helped in return.It took years for her to
inclide me in her life but when she did it was around the time she had
relationship problems.I get the feeling she would rather me be alone.wth my
son.She says hurtful thins to me but indirectly.I have told her a few tmrs
of how she was hurtful but after a while she wanted to end the frienship.I
then stated to her that I did not want it to end I have kept a slight
distance toward her but during this time she became closer to her family
and we now speak once every two monts or less rather than weekly. is this
frienship at a end?
Jan 19, 2009 5:31 PM
Guest :
I was shocked by the death of the friendship between my best friend ever
and me. We've been friends for 10 years and never had an argument until
about a month ago, then again about 3 days ago. It should have been very
minor and was blown out of proportion, but I have found this information
most helpful. Because of what I read I'll not jump into burning bridges, as
was my first inclination.
Jul 21, 2009 10:37 AM
Guest :
"When a friendship is over, don't give up until you're ready."
This kind of advice is damaging. I ended a 20+ year friendship to protect
my own well-being and I told the woman I didn't want her in my life
anymore. I let her know via e-mail 5 years ago, and in person and on the
phone 4 years ago that our friendship is OVER and I wanted her to leave me
alone. She sent me a Christmas card 2 years ago and I sent it back
"return to sender" without opening it. So turned right around and
resent it, addressed to my son. She called me on my birthday this year too.
I hung up as soon as she identified herself.
She lets some time
pass before attempting contact again, it's true, but she just won't give
up. For the sake of my mental health (which is why I ended the friendship
to begin with) I sent her a letter 2 months ago and told her again, in no
uncertain terms, to leave me and my family alone. Reading an article like
this would only encourage her to keep up her harrassment. You should be
encouraging people to respect each other's boundaries. I keep setting up
personal boundaries and she keeps forcing her way across them.
If she has things to ask me or things to say, I'm sorry for her. Writing
in a journal is a good idea, but I am not under any obligation to provide
her with an explanation or closure, and I won't be manipulated into it.
Whoever wrote this article isn't considering the other person - the person
who ends the friendship. There may be some really good reasons for doing
so, and forcing yourself on someone who doesn't want you in their lives
just makes you look pathetic and creepy.
Jul 31, 2009 9:09 PM
Chris McLaughlin :
To the Guest on "damaging advice". While I can understand your
thoughts on this, the author of this article also has this to say,
"When a friendship is over don't: Push for communication (ie, don’t
stalk your friend). When a friendship is over, let it be over." So,
the author actually addressed that type of situation.
Also
after ending a couple of toxic relationships myself, I can tell you that
it's a bad idea to send your ex-friend a letter in any way. For these toxic
folk, ANY communication from you as an open invitation to try to contact
you again no matter what your letter says. They see it as an open door.
Aug 11, 2009 3:34 AM
Guest :
I have read the very helpful piece, after having a close friendship with a
woman, due to a situation which her child was in, I too had known them and
been close to, I had realised that it was only that situation that had
bought us together, but she then opened up to me about many things and it
was all heavy, negative and hurtful, she had suffered, I had been pulled
into this and felt I had to create a distance because it was ruining and
over taking my life, I feel for her and those around her and hope things
get better, I dont feel the need to talk about things anymore as the damage
has been done, to me, I am on the verge of seeking counselling myself, as
the effects of this have changed my life, my outlook, and that scared me.
I wont forget anything but there has to be a line and a point, I came away
from meeting her or came off the phone feeling sick, negative, sad, and
miserable, even though it was all unintentional and she only needed a
shoulder to cry on, I understood how painful this was, and tried to hard to
help, then I was in the mess as well. I cant tell anyone else about this,
I have other friends, but I dont want to damage them with this. I hate
myself for not standing up much earlier, she wll only think of me now as
not being interested and not caring, and that hurts, because that is what I
did but I could not make any sense of carrying on like this. I feel drained
and ill and I fear if I wrote a letter saying all the suggestions above,
she would take umbridge and probably put her life at risk, as she feels
like her world is no more. Added pressure I cant take. I want to go to an
Island where there is just fresh air and no one to speak to, only others in
a simular situatuion to me, I keep a lot back in my life because I know
deep down everyone has their own things, rights or wrongs, to deal with. I
want someone to love me for me, be my friend for me, people can damage
people.
Nov 2, 2009 6:43 PM
Guest :
Sometimes it just doesn't work out how you had wanted it to. I know its
not all that comforting but its the truth. Don't give up too early but
don't try too hard, try making some new friends. Also, hold on to all the
good memories they will give you comfort and serve you in the future. Plus,
friends are like the stars, just cause you can't always see them doesn't
mean they are not there. Maybe you care more than your friend about the
loss but there is nothing wrong with caring.
Nov 3, 2009 12:22 AM
Guest :
This is helpful advice, but some advice on how to deal with an ended
friendship and the pain associated would also help. I have recently ended a
friendship that was already dying due to her extreme fundamental religious
beliefs, and I'm more of a liberated, spiritual gal. She is that typical
Christian who thinks her way is the right and only way, and any other way
is wrong. Can you imagine being subjected almost daily to reading Bible
quotes, sometimes in your e-mail? I could not have a conversation with her
without her mentioning God, or satan's influence in the world, and such.
Sometimes I just want to talk about food and other pleasant stuff, but it
was always about religion. You couldn't talk to her about being irrational.
She lives in her own little box, and I'm outside of the box. It just wasn't
working. It hurt so bad to end it after many long years of friendship.
Maybe someday we can reconcile, but I am not counting on it. Some people
just really cannot be friends outside of their social circle, AKA box.
Nov 4, 2009 3:17 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I’m sorry to hear about your ended friendship – a friend a
very difficult thing to lose, especially after years together! Even if you
no longer see eye to eye or can’t communicate well, it’s hard to lose a
friend.
To help, I wrote a blog post called “How to Deal With
the End of a Friendship.”
To get to my Psychology blog, just
click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How
to Deal With the End of a Friendship.” – you’ll also find it in the Nov,
2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I invite
you to respond either there or here.
