When A Friendship Is Over
Recognizing When a Friend Ends Your Relationship
It's sometimes difficult to recognize when a friendship is over. Here's how to accept that a friend has ended your relationship, and how to learn from lost friends.
Most friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, accept new responsibilities, or embark on different stages of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don't understand why, it can be especially painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without telling you why you’ve been dropped. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without expressing hurt feelings towards you.
The loss of friendship might be worth reflecting on. Knowing when a friendship is over and why it ended may help you build stronger friendships in the future.
When a friendship is over:
- See if you can pinpoint a problem. When a friendship is over, review your relationship. Perhaps you remember your friend complaining that you’re always late, or repeatedly asking for the money they lent you seven years ago. Maybe you rarely return their phone calls, or constantly flirt with their partner. Maybe you always need a ride to the airport, help renovating, or babysitting services – but you rarely return the favor. When a friend ends your relationship, try to uncover the reasons the friendship is over.
- Write a letter to your friend. Express your feelings about the friendship. Do you miss seeing them? Do you have any regrets? Would you act differently if you were still friends? Tell your friend how you feel – be vulnerable – without accusing or complaining. Make it a positive, honest communication. When a friendship is over, you have nothing to lose.
- Express your feelings of hurt, anger, or rejection. Write or talk about how you feel in a journal or letter – something you don’t necessarily plan to send. When a friendship is over, it's important to communicate exactly how hurt or betrayed you feel, and why. Write until you have nothing left to say. Edit and send it, or just burn it. When a friend ends your relationship, you do have the right to express yourself.
- Communicate that you are open to reestablishing the friendship. When a friendship is over and you want to reconnect some day, send Christmas, Hannukah, or birthday cards. Say hi and send greetings through mutual friends. If your friend experiences a death or illness in the family, mail a card or send flowers. When a friendship is over, don't give up until you're ready.
- Resolve to make your existing friendships better. A counselor once told me that simply talking about your relationship – how you communicate and interact – strengthens your bonds. Talk to your existing friends. Are you happy with how often you see one another and the activities you do together? Are they happy with your friendship? If a friend ends your relationship, learn something from it.
When a friendship is over, don’t:
- Disrespect your former friend by gossiping or complaining to mutual friends. Your friend has the right to end your relationship. When a friendship is over, let it go.
- Burn all bridges – sometimes old friendships and lost friends can be resurrected to be stronger than before. When a friendship is over, it may be a temporary thing.
- Act in the heat of the moment or say things you might regret. If a friend ends your relationship, accept it without blowing up.
- Push for communication (ie, don’t stalk your friend). When a friendship is over, let it be over.
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The copyright of the article When A Friendship Is Over in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish When A Friendship Is Over must be granted by the author in writing.
