Adult sibling rivalry affects your relationships, discussions, argument styles - and even your sexual orientation. Here's why we fight with grown brothers & sisters.
The roots of adult sibling rivalry often stem from childhood sibling rivalry - but they're two very different beasts. Fighting with your grown brothers and sisters is quite different than childhood conflict.
When you're a child, sibling rivalry or childhood conflict teaches you how to relate to others -- sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Either way, your adult relationships are definitely affected by your grown brothers and sisters. If you're struggling with adult sibling rivalry, your experiences can change how you communicate with your partner or children.
Childhood Sibling Rivalry is Helpful
Fighting with your brothers and sisters isn't just about sibling rivalry and conflict. Sibling rivalry teaches you how to settle arguments. Learning to negotiate toy times, clothes sharing, and parental attention can teach you how to deal with professional, personal, and social issues as an adult. You and your siblings learn social skills through sibling rivalry that spill over into every aspect of your life – so sibling rivalry can be helpful.
Adult sibling rivalry often stems from unresolved childhood conflict. If you don't settle your childhood sibling rivalry issues, they often turn into adult sibling rivalry issues - and they can be more serious.
Childhood Sibling Rivalry Triggered When Parents Play Favorites
Parents' attempt to treat everyone equally may be in vain because picking a favorite may be evolutionary. Mark Feinberg, Penn State psychologist, says that parents are programmed to spend the most time and energy on the sibling that seems most worthy of investment because there is a finite supply of love, affection, money, and security. Parents have a primal mindset to put more effort into the smart, gifted, attractive kid. A recent study concluded that 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers show a preference for one child – usually, the older one. And the kids know it, which feeds both child and adult sibling rivalry.
Following in the Sibling's Footsteps
Sometimes younger siblings emulate older brothers or sisters; sometimes, they choose the exact opposite behaviors. For instance, if your older sister gets pregnant, you could SO not go there – this is de-identification, and it's unusual. Generally, siblings pass on unhealthy or dangerous habits (smoking, drinking, drugs) to one another.
Developmental psychologist Patricia East says, "A girl with an older, pregnant teenage sister is four to six times as likely to become a teen mom herself." Another theory is that the closer siblings are in age, the less likely the younger one will succumb to the habits of the older. Adult sibling rivalry may be exacerbated by habits developed in childhood.
Child Sibling Rivalry and Sexual Orientation
Homosexuals represent 3% of all males. Boys who have an older brother represent 4% and those with two older brothers are 5% of the population. With three or more older brothers, gay men represent 6% of the male population. Psychologist Anthony Bogaert (Brock University, Ontario, Canada) believes that the mother's immune system carries the answer. "Mothers' bodies naturally recognize boy fetuses as slightly more alien than girl fetuses, since all of us carry sex-specific proteins in our bloodstreams. Some mothers may develop antibodies to those male proteins. In subsequent pregnancies, the antibodies may cross the placenta and affect regions that determine sexual orientation."
It seems sibling rivalry isn't just about socialization. The roots of adult sibling rivalry could be evolutionary and primal, its effects far-reaching and long-lasting.
Sibling Rivalry Isn't the Final Determiner
Childhood sibling rivalry doesn't automatically doom you to failure or set you up for success - and neither does adult sibling rivalry. Other aspects of your life and personality are just as important, such as how you deal with failure, what tickles your funny bone, or even your propensity towards depression.
If you found The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry interesting, try:
The copyright of the article The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Why is my older Gay brother so mean to me when I am so generous to him.
Some of my close friends say maybe he is jealous of me, but I have nothing
to be jealous of. We lost our Mom, and he was mean to her too. But when
she died, he acted like it was only him who had lost a Mom. Not sure why
he is so mean. It is very hurtful, and someday I may have to walk away
from my only sibling....
Oct 27, 2008 9:51 PM
Guest :
i just lost my youngest sister and there are six of us left, my one
sister lives next door for over 13 yrs now and it it too close for
comfort , we barely say anything about the death our youngest sibbling.
i try but she don't seem to really wanna respond, she talks more to
inlaws and people she works with cuz my sister worked there too.
i wanna choke her and her husband is and has been a huge hindrance to our relationship and i am sick of it. i always have to try and call
first, if i don't make a move or try they don't do anything, except say hi
if i see them in passing outside, i am furious and he says things that are
outrageous.
main thing now , no communication at all and who the
f know s why.
Jan 8, 2009 8:12 PM
Guest :
My sister hangs on to the past and it screws up everything in her life and
ours. We are a family of 7 and it's so time to move on. She refuses to
listen to anyone when they point something out. I stand up to her so we
don't get along. I am better off without her but it sure would be nice if
she had a brain remake or a personality change.
Feb 11, 2009 11:40 AM
Guest :
My sister and i have never gotten along, and now that she is 36 and I am 32
it's getting ridiculous. She blames me for everything thats gone wrong in
her life and tells me that I don't support her. I live 500 miles away and
we talk maybe once a month, so explain that one. We are like night and
day, but that doesn't mean we have to hate eachother.
Feb 16, 2009 1:05 PM
Guest :
Clearly the comment made on Jan. 8th regarding a brain remake shows a lot
of disrespect. I willing to bet you probably were on of the favorites.
Jul 21, 2009 2:01 PM
Guest :
My little sister always tells me that my mother has always been there for
me. She always tries to make me feel guilty about it. I don't understand
why she is so jealous she has everything going for her. She has a wonderful
husband, a beautiful daughter and twins on the way. She always complains
about my mother, so do I. I still love doing things with my mother, I know
I won't have her forever so I overlook her faults. I think that is why my
mother likes hanging out with me more. She feels the parent should make the
effort. I wish it always just didn't end in a fight.
Sep 1, 2009 2:56 PM
Guest :
I am one of three sisters. I am the baby. One is 61 the other is 58 and I
am 45. Ever since I can remember the two older ones haven't gotten along.
Jealousy of some nature on the middle ones end. I have always
treasured my relationships with both until recently. Our mother had taken
ill and she lives close by to me and the oldest. The middle lives about 90
miles or so away, (but loves to drive). Never really asking for much help
the two of us did mostly everything until one weekend we needed her and my
mom wanted her. She failed us and that led to years of vent up anger. 2
yrs later we still haven't spoke on her end. She refuses to acknowledge
any responsability for her lack of actions. How do I resolve this?
Sep 1, 2009 7:03 PM
Guest :
i don't understand. because i am foreigner..QQ
Sep 2, 2009 2:11 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I don’t think you can expect your sister to accept
responsibility now, if she hasn’t in the past. She had her reasons, and if
she hasn’t apologized for failing to live up to your and your mom’s needs
before now….it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll change!
That
said, you could write her a letter or explain calmly and rationally over
the phone or in person why there hasn’t been any communication for two
years. But if you’ve already explained how you felt about it, then
explaining it again might not make a lot of difference.
If you
want to move forward with her and forget the past, then you might just tell
her that. “Let’s forget the past and move on. Let’s be sisters who talk
regularly again.”
Sometimes the past can’t be resolved –
especially with adult siblings. If you have one perspective on your mom’s
needs and she has another, and you can’t find common ground, then either
you “agree to disagree” or you continue to have no communication.
Another option is to try family counseling. An objective third person can
help you and her (and maybe your other sister) see where the failed
expectations and sibling rivalry is coming from. And, a counselor can help
you resolve it.
In families, there are so many disappointments,
hurts, regrets, betrayals…..not all can be resolved without serious effort
(like counseling, and totally dedicated family members). Some problems and
hurts just need to be forgiven and let go, for the good of the whole
family. I’m not necessarily recommending you do any of the above – I’m just
sharing what I see as the options.
I wish you all the best with
your sisters. And if you do come up with a better option for dealing with
siblings and past hurts, I’d love to hear it!
Take care,
Laurie
Oct 7, 2009 11:30 PM
Guest :
I think sometimes siblings are better off becoming acquaintances - no
matter how close they may or may not have been in childhood. It makes it
easier for the whole family. I mean if getting too involved just sparks a
'relationship' fire, then emotional distance can not be a bad thing, can
it? Remember: It is nice to be important but it is more important to
be nice! Jacky :-)
Oct 12, 2009 7:12 PM
Guest :
There was so much sib rivalry I distanced myself 25 yrs ago but the recent
death of our mother shows me that the same games in my siblings still
exist. We grew up with 2 angry parents who taught their kids that shouting
to be heard was the norm. I went into counselling but the others didn't and
what I see now is appalling. No one communicates well, the swearing is
constant and the eldest sister cries non stop. I hate my siblings as they
hurt me deliberately and show no respect or love. Now I will step away
again because there is nothing there but toxicity. I dont think I am
better just wiser for taking time to find out with a psychiatry, "why
do I feel this way".
Oct 15, 2009 10:26 AM
Guest :
Hello, I am a guest here, but I found this all very interesting because I
came online to find somewhere to vent about sisters. I am the oldest of
seven, I have 4 sisters ranging in age from 53 to 40. We have ALWAYS been a
close family and I've always loved my sisters. They have always been my
best friends. Last March my brother moved back home into my parents house.
My brother has a bad history of taking advantage of my parents, not
working, intimidating all the other siblings. He is now living at my
parents house, being their caretaker. The problem with that is that none of
the rest of my siblings will go home to visit my aging parents, also my
mother is going through chemo for breast cancer. I'm the only daughter that
goes to visit my Mom, the (ringleader) sister has ostersized me from the
rest because I haven't followed suit. She thinks we should teach Mom and
Dad a lesson because they let my brother move back home. Her words...
"It's their choice!" I've cried a river of tears, I'm done,
finished, to hell with it! Is there anyone out there that has some good
advice? It would surely be appreciated!
Oct 18, 2009 2:01 AM
Guest :
Well, I posted the last comment on this site, and I'm not sure anyone reads
this, but I have an update and I wanted to vent here again. LOL... Sorry if
I offend anyone, it is not my intentions. The problem I have had with
my sisters has finally come to a head and I've told them off. One in
particular that has continually "picked" at my decisions on
anything in my life and that has been the "ringleader" of the
girls. NOW, I am done. I feel better that I've gotten that off of my chest
and now I can go on, although I won't have the support from my sisters, I
will survive! Maybe I don't live my life like they think I should, but I am
a 55 year old female that has been through the wringer, and I'm sure this
too shall pass. Thank you for supplying this opportunity for me to vent. I
wish all of you sisters out there n avenue to be all you can be without the
mouth of another tearing you down! God Bless!
Oct 18, 2009 5:22 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
Yes, I’m definitely reading your comments – I wrote this
article about adult sibling rivalry – but I’m traveling through Europe and
thus only online an hour or so a day! I wanted to respond earlier, but just
haven’t had the time.
Thanks for updating…isn’t it amazing that
our sibling relationships have such a profound affect on us, even past our
fifties? Even when we’re “old”, we have to work through our relationships
with our sisters and brothers.
I’m glad your problem with your
sisters came to a head; honest confrontation can be very healthy and can
set the tone for future communication. And, I’m glad you’re forging ahead
even though you don’t have the support of your sisters. Make sure you
surround yourself with friends, colleagues, church members, etc – people
who will help you achieve your goals and live the life you want.
And remember that your sisters may come around. They can’t see your
perspective for reasons of their own, which doesn’t mean your perspective
isn’t good! It just means you don’t see eye-to-eye…it’s one of those
“agreeing to disagree but not shutting each other out” things (I hope!).
Thanks for your comments, and I look forward to more updates if
you’re so inclined!
Best wishes, Laurie
Oct 20, 2009 11:24 AM
Guest :
Hi Laurie! Gosh, thanks for answering me, I'm happy that you are
traveling and getting to see the country there. Don't worry about here at
home, work will always be there, I just thought that this article had died
down and no one paid attention to the posts anymore. I have calmed
down finally after telling my controlling sister off, and sort of ended our
relationship. I know that is sad and lame, but for now I am so angry and
upset, I haven't the words or patience to deal with it. There have been so
many lies, assumptions, rude remarks, backstabbing that I have had to pull
myself away from them all and concentrate on my mother. So, for today, all
4 sisters will not speak, and it's a good thing at this point in time. I hope you continue to write here, I have looked around and enjoy these
writings. Thanks a million! ... Ms Robyn
Nov 5, 2009 8:49 PM
Guest :
I used to get along with my brother great we are close in age and we were
friends. I also have 2 older brothers who are married and they are a whole
other kind of jerk. They promised me if I moved back to care for my mom
they would help me as much as possible which was a big lie. The first time
I asked for help they both said to me "we have our own families"
do it yourself and what are you doing here if you can't do what she needs.
It was like they were bothered by even visiting her. I did not drive so I
spent my savings taking cabs to doctors and grocery store and getting
repair men when they could have fixed the problems easily.It quickly became
I do everything and if I was tired or had to do something for myself they
put me down and just said awful things.
Eventually they found a
way to not have to visit or help and not try to feel so bad about it if
they did at all. They invited my other brother to stay with my mom knowing
he was a crazy out of control drug addict that I found out was a real
monster the whole time I was in California .We are no longer close or
friendly I think now we are mortal enemies. He is a bully and a thief and
he manipulates my mom for money flies into crazy drug rages and threatens
me screams in my face awful things and steals my things and when I call the
police he runs off and comes back and attacks me later over it. I was given
a car he was so mad he though he should get it and started dropping veiled
threats about my brakes and I was afraid to even drive it. My mom will not
evict him or have him arrested. He says horrible things to us and he
hasbeen reported for elder abuse but they are still investigating from what
I understand. My older brothers use him as n excuse as to why they willnot
come see my mom and barely call. If I tell them anything they start saying
to me after mommy dies they won't talk to either of us like it's my fault
or I did something wrong by telling them the horrible treatment here and
would hope they would do something to help get him out. I just have to
leave which would have been much easier if I had any savings or sanity
left. My mom deals with it because I am the barrier for her and I can't
take it anymore. His next explosive episode will have him locked up and my
mom just might have to find a senior community if she can't handle it
because all of this makes it hard to take care of her properlyand I am
depressed with crazy anxiety and just so broken over it all.
