The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry
Fighting With Your Grown Brothers & Sisters
Adult sibling rivalry affects your relationships, discussions, argument styles - and even your sexual orientation, according to recent research in Time magazine.
Adult sibling rivalry often stems from childhood sibling rivalry - but they're two very different beasts.
When you're a child, sibling rivalry teaches you how to relate to others -- sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Either way, your adult relationships are definitely affected by your grown brothers and sisters. If you're struggling with adult sibling rivalry, your experiences can change how you communicate with your partner or children.
Childhood sibling rivalry helpful
Fighting with your brothers and sisters isn't just about sibling rivalry and conflict. Sibling rivalry teaches you how to settle arguments. Learning to negotiate toy times, clothes sharing, and parental attention can teach you how to deal with professional, personal, and social issues as an adult. You and your siblings learn social skills through sibling rivalry that spill over into every aspect of your life – so sibling rivalry can be helpful.
Adult sibling rivalry often stems from unresolved childhood conflict. If you don't settle your childhood sibling rivalry issues, they often turn into adult sibling rivalry issues - and they can be more serious.
Childhood sibling rivalry spurred when parents play favorites
Parents' attempt to treat everyone equally may be in vain because picking a favorite may be evolutionary. Mark Feinberg, Penn State psychologist, says that parents are programmed to spend the most time and energy on the sibling that seems most worthy of investment because there is a finite supply of love, affection, money, and security. Parents have a primal mindset to put more effort into the smart, gifted, attractive kid. A recent study concluded that 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers show a preference for one child – usually, the older one. And the kids know it, which feeds both child and adult sibling rivalry.
Following in your sibling's footsteps
Sometimes younger siblings emulate older ones; sometimes, they choose the exact opposite behaviors. For instance, if your older sister gets pregnant, you could SO not go there – this is de-identification, and it's unusual. Generally, siblings pass on unhealthy or dangerous habits (smoking, drinking, drugs) to one another.
Developmental psychologist Patricia East says, "A girl with an older, pregnant teenage sister is four to six times as likely to become a teen mom herself." Another theory is that the closer siblings are in age, the less likely the younger one will succumb to the habits of the older. Adult sibling rivalry may be exacerbated by habits developed in childhood.
Child sibling rivalry & sexual orientation
Homosexuals represent 3% of all males. Boys who have an older brother represent 4% and those with two older brothers are 5% of the population. With three or more older brothers, gay men represent 6% of the male population. Psychologist Anthony Bogaert (Brock University, Ontario, Canada) believes that the mother's immune system carries the answer. "Mothers' bodies naturally recognize boy fetuses as slightly more alien than girl fetuses, since all of us carry sex-specific proteins in our bloodstreams. Some mothers may develop antibodies to those male proteins. In subsequent pregnancies, the antibodies may cross the placenta and affect regions that determine sexual orientation."
It seems sibling rivalry isn't just about socialization. The roots of adult sibling rivalry could be evolutionary and primal, its effects far-reaching and long-lasting.
Sibling rivalry isn't the final determiner
Childhood sibling rivalry doesn't automatically doom you to failure or set you up for success - and neither does adult sibling rivalry. Other aspects of your life and personality are just as important, such as how you deal with failure, what tickles your funny bone, or even your propensity towards depression.
If you found The Roots of Adult Sibling Rivalry interesting, you might enjoy New Insights About Birth Order.
Source: Time Magazine, July 10, 2006
