4 Different Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Abusive Relationships

Recognizing neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse can be difficult especially when the abuser insists it isn't abuse, swears you to secrecy, or threatens to harm you if you tell. Surviving an abusive relationship is even harder when you're a child, isolated from your friends and family, or you feel you deserve to be treated that way.

Anyone can abuse you: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, grandparents, colleagues – even your lover or best friend. Marital abuse is a common type of abuse.

The four different types of abuse include neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Neglect is the most common; emotional abuse is the most difficult to recognize.

Four Different Types of Abuse

Neglect is the most common type of abuse. Some research claims children are more likely to be neglected if they're poor because parents are preoccupied with survival – but wealthy families definitely can and do neglect their kids. Neglect occurs when parents or guardians don't provide food, shelter, safety, supervision, clothes, education, attention, or medical treatment – often it's about what they don't do. This is an abusive relationship.

Physical abuse can be the easiest of all four types of abuse to spot because the clues can be obvious when someone hits, slaps, beats, burns, kicks, or stabs you. However, there may not be evidence when someone grabs your arm, shakes you, or pushes you around – but that's definitely physical abuse. Abusive relationships can be easy to recognize.

Sexual abuse is any form of touching, intercourse, or exploitation of your body. This includes taking pictures you for sexual purposes, asking you to touch someone else's private parts, and making sexual references to your body. Being forced to touch or have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend against your will is sexual abuse. Abusive relationships can make you feel ashamed.

Emotional abuse is when someone threatens or humiliates you. This includes calling you names, putting you down, insulting you, or breaking your things. Control is a huge part of emotional abuse and involves chronic anger, jealousy, accusations, and distrust. This type of abuse is the hardest to spot because the injuries aren't physical or immediately visible. Emotional abuse can be mistaken for passionate or intense love. Abusive relationships don't always involve physical violence.

11 warning signs of emotional abuse:

Surviving Neglect, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, or Emotional Abuse

Getting help when you're in an abusive relationship always involves reaching out to someone: friends, family, neighbors, counselors, the police. You have to tell that you're being abused no matter how embarrassing or painful it is, and you have to let people help you get out of the abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be like breaking an addiction - but love is never about demeaning or hurting another person - no matter how sorry everyone is afterwards.

Nov 3, 2008 1:38 PM

Guest :

I hate ppl that abuse ppl. I dont think that in any situation it is right to abuse. Is stupid and wrong. If you are in a abusive relationship i think that you should tell somebody. Thats only my opioin.

Nov 8, 2008 10:56 AM

Guest :

They say that it takes a woman atleast 7 to 8 times to leave their abuser. Still wondering if that is true I have been in this relationship for almost 3 years and I have left 7 times and this time #8 i want to go but it seems more scarier than the last time. I am more emotionally abused then anything its hard i never even think about myself...Ever! The hardest part is that I have a son and i dont want his father to take him away even though he didnt sign the birth certificate or take a test but his father loves him. hmmmmmmmmmm
I will figure it out because this time God is own my side!!!
Thats what i believe that will help n e woman is to pray every day that things will get better and going as far away as possible if u have to. Try to believe in yourself say to yourself I CAN DO THIS GOD WILL PROTECT ME!!!!!!

~SOMEONE WHO CARES & UNDERSTANDS~

Nov 15, 2008 2:34 PM

Guest :

i have put up with an abusive wife for 10 years. Now she is teaching my daughter that this abusive behaviour is natural and that I am the problem.

i have no idea what to do.

Nov 15, 2008 2:34 PM

Guest :

i have put up with an abusive wife for 10 years. Now she is teaching my daughter that this abusive behaviour is natural and that I am the problem.

i have no idea what to do.

Nov 18, 2008 7:28 AM

Guest :

If there are children involved it makes leaving scarier, but so much more necessary. If you stay, you are condemning your child to a life where they will feel this is a normal way for a man and woman to behave to one another, and then will end up in similar relationships themselves, either as the abused or the abuser. Love them enough to take the risk and leave.

Nov 29, 2008 4:22 AM

Guest :

I grew up being physically abused by my mother. at the age of 2 I was burnt with water, by the age of 4 I recall being battered so badly i would bleed, at the age of 6 I would faint at the thought she would get mad at me. At the age of 10 she would use odjects to hit me with because her hands would hurt, at he ages of 11, 12 and 13 the ferocity only got wore. I had no friends, I never thrived at school, I went to 12 different schools. I was constantly told I would be killed. at the age of 16 I began panic attacts. I suffered eating disorders, depression, risky behaviour, lost jobs. and worse.
The thing is I never knew it as abuse. All I knew was I was different, I was quiet, I had all the symptoms of pstd. I got belly aches head aches. spent days in bed. had no get up and go. I had got up and gone many years ago.
I believed my mother loved me,really. I was led to believe I was the problem because I was naughty, so I would never dare tell anyone, and always cover my bruises and pain. Why would you tell anyone you got beating up every day because you were naughty.
I saw the effects is had on me throughout my entire life. I am 50 now. And have realised all these series of unfortunate events were as a result of my physical and metal abuse. Today I finally told someone about the abuse. my husband I have been with him for 25 years. I have 2 daughters aged 13 and 12, never used abuse physical or mental. I want to break this pattern here, with me. I will take it with me to my greave and not leave it as a legacy for my girls.
I hope that with acknowledgement and acceptance of my past abuse, I can begin to heal my oh so broken soul.
Dora Holmes

Jan 4, 2009 12:34 PM

Guest :

I grew up with my father abusing my mother especially when he would drink, I remember when I was 9 or 10 he choked her so much she fell unconscious he didn't care that I was there to see I was crying and screaming but he wouldn't stop. I vowed that would never happen to me! Boy was I wrong after 20 years together my husband has started abusing me when we get into a just a tiff we just started having marital problems and now he has started choking me when he gets frustrated or angry I really am afraid of him but have no where to go!!

Jan 6, 2009 7:28 AM

Guest :

I am 15 my dad started to abuse me when i was 6 years old i have a scar on the back of my head because he grapped me and through me through the front door of my house. A peace of glass about an inch went in to the back of my head. at the age or 13 i started standing up for my self. he would get even more pissed off! soo he started getting more violent. at the age of 14 i got a consoler and i started having nightmares about him trying to kill me,and my mom. I remeber one time he started choking me when i was 7 i fell unconsiouse my mom tried to get him off but it didnt work. he threw my mom out side and locked her out. for like 3 hours. Now I am 15 i am way bigger then him and i can kill him now. a few months ago my Uncle died. Me and my uncle would do every thing to gether he was more of a father then my dad or sperm-doner. I was telling my dad off and this is 2 days after my uncle died he used this egacked line " What the fuck do you think your Uncle would say about this?" I blacked out about 2 seconds after my mom told me that i threw him off our balquniy and started beeting him with a baseball bat. the funny thing was i didnt feel any thing when i did this i didnt feel any emotions at all my hands werent shaking and my adrenilyn wasnt going its like my emotions stopped... since then he hasnt gottin outa line with me at all. I am the man of the house now.
they say when a kid is brought up bad he turns good well that can work either way. My parents think i have problem my uncle was phycoligiccal but i loved him i helped him out he helped me out. he was Murdered. I still hate my father,, and yeah yeah i know hate is a strong word but i mean it . my parents are rlly scaredt hat i might have the same thing my uncle did soo this is my life soo far i wonder whats gunna happen next...

Jan 13, 2009 9:38 AM

Guest :

I just got out of an emoitional abusive relationship this guy would accuse me or question me about every move I made or did;nt make,I COULD NEVER WIN!! He could never hold a job because of his anger and we suffered financial I TOLD him to think before doing something to lose his job and he said I thought I was better than him because I've had the same job for 5yrs and he could'nt keep one 2months!!!He lived in my apartment;I worked overtime to make ends meet till one night I worked over only to have my best friend tell me he's been calling her begging her to cum over while I was working so he could sex her. She knew I would'nt believe her so she had recorded 4 of the converstions the had. I asked him he denied it but when I told him I had the recordings he started crying saying it was her fault she kept leading him on that she should've hung up Well maybe but she did'nt call him he called her!!!! I made him leave that night it's been 2 months and he calls everyday swearing he loves me and he wants me back but I can;t take nomore drama or stress; I really loved him and he took advantage of my love and trust for him only to make me feel like I was the one doing wrong!!! I never want him back and it's going to take time for me to ever trust anyone ever again I could tell you some crazy stuff he put me through but there's to much to tell I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BLIND I WAS

Jan 18, 2009 10:48 AM

Guest :

He admits he needs help,H started going to church. Says I will never have to go through all ever again for me to forgive him and come back Is this true???

Jan 18, 2009 2:16 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I hope it's true that you'll never suffer from abuse from him again, but it's impossible for me to read the future! I just don't know. Many abusers can and do stop, while others need to be left before they stop abusing.

Do you think he'll stop abusing you? You know better than anyone, because you know how often he's hurt you in the past, and you know how many times he's tried to stop. The more times he tries to stop and fails, the more likely it is that he'll abuse you again.

I wish you the best, and hope he doesn't hurt you again! If he does, you need to get help and get out of the relationship.

Laurie

Feb 4, 2009 5:10 AM

Guest :

I got into an arranged marriage last year. My husband started neglecting me, then he started to emotionally abuse me, i didnt know
i was being abused, he would put me down infront of his family, never spend time with me, and then it came to a point where he hit me. He tried to isolate me from everyone, but i ran away.
Thats when i left him. But i have a son with him, i have to live with him. Its the sadest part where you think of your child and the thought of him being without a father hurts you like a knife in your heart. I hope my son doesnt turn out to be like his father.

Feb 10, 2009 10:22 AM

Guest :

My boyfriend for two years only has a few signs of being abusive but I don't know how to leave him without hurting him. I grew up with abuse and i can't let him hurt my son. But im scared if I leave he will hurt himself

Feb 22, 2009 6:39 PM

Guest :

my boyfriend of about a year is constantly breaking up with me. and i go right back to him every time. when i'm with my friends hanging out and he calls he gets mad, calls me names (whore, slut, bitch, etc. ), breaks up with me, and hangs up. then the next day we're back together. he's always telling me how "different" i act, how much i've "changed", and how much "i don't love him". i do love him, really. but every time i say "i love you" to him, he says "yeah right", "whatever", "sure you do", "no you don't", etc.. he's hurt me before but only when we're playing around. but i'm afraid that i might make him mad enough to actually seriously hurt me. i'm afraid to leave him because he'll call my phone constantly, leave me voicemails and texts, and try to talk to me at school. and if i leave i'm afraid that he'll hurt himself. he drinks every chance he gets and he has easy access to drugs. if i leave him, i'm afraid he'll abuse those substances and hurt himself.

being in a relationship like this is hard. you wanna leave, but you don't at the same time. you hold onto hope because you think he'll change one day. you're afraid if you leave, he'll hurt himself for it. but being told that you're loved one day and hated the next is really confusing.
:/

Feb 23, 2009 5:36 AM

Guest :

some ppl don't reconize that they are in an abusive relationship...They have to have God, Friends and family for them to come to that person and tell them what's going on. They will not reconize it at first til something terrible really happens, and pray that they can get out before it really does happen. There are more signs to an emotional abuse, and it's really scarey!

Feb 23, 2009 9:28 AM

Guest :

I am a victim of emotional abuse, I've been with him for 15 years now, married for 10 yrs. We have 4 children who see what he does to me everyday. He never hits me or the kids, just yells so loud and makes everything my fault. He doesn't want to talk out our problems, he just wants to yell at me and make everything my fault. My kids are scared of him when he is angry...they literally shake when he walks by them. He destroys my belongings, like gifts, phones,children's toys. He breaks them in front of me, by throwing them. He does this when he's drunk, but mostly when he's sober. I tried to lock him out several times, he just kicks down the door.It is hard to think about leaving because I have no education or job. But I know I have to leave to save my children from this kind of fear. Please pray for us, Thank you.

Mar 12, 2009 10:50 PM

Guest :

I'm married and my husband blames me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship,he's choked me over several times I remember one time I was washing dishes and he came up behind me and put me in sorta like a headlock and I don't know what happen next all I know is I was in our bedroom on the floor like I like I had went to sleep or something i've had bruises I have scars on my body that won't fade away he threatins to take our son away if I leave I have no income I want to leave so bad I can't take no more but where do I go?? He calls me names he lets me know he owns everything in our place and at time he says he owns me so he have his way with me and then he'll say i'll pay you for that and give me like ten dollars make me feel so useless and cheap he's always saying i'm cheating he's insults me saying i'm fat and so many other things..I get to the point that my only way out is suicide cause I have no job,no place to go

Mar 17, 2009 5:33 PM

Guest :

Having been sexually abused early in life, and physically and mentally abused throughout my young life by my adopted father, I read these postings with an extreme sadness for the people that have endured the abuses and sufferings of an abused person. I am in my 40's now and have only one side effect that I can tell, and that is that whole hard on myself thing. It's not easy letting go sometimes and it really takes some mental fortitude. I have a 15 year old daughter who is the light of my life. I never wanted to or anticipated having children because I knew that no one deserved to live or be raise the way I and my siblings were. When she was born I stood over her in that hospital and made a solemn promise that she would never have to endure the things that I did, and that I would do everything in my power make sure she had the opportunities that I did not to succeed. My daughter is a very well balanced child with good morals and excellent confidence in herself. She performs publicly and enjoys life. I have read some and written this posting, with a tear in my eyes for all the people that are hurting due to abuse. To all of you who are fighting to be normal or overcome the emotional and physical scars of abuse, I pray for you and can say that life does get better, it is in fact a glorious thing to live free of the baggage the abuse will leave.
Todd

Mar 21, 2009 11:51 AM

Guest :

I only saw 1 man saying he was abused, but it is rampant men suffer abuse mostly verbal and not much is said about it lets here more from men and the experts out there to help them

Mar 25, 2009 4:26 PM

Guest :

This is for the young lady who said that she left 8X's and still there. In your comment you said"I will figure it out because this time God is on my side". God has been on your side from the beginning. Also, don't try and figure anything out "Let Go And Let God". I been in an abusive relationship and have three teenagers now! I left when my oldest was about 5yrs. old & now 19yrs. old. You can do it!!! Love yourself if nobody else would, but remember if we keep God first all things are possible.

Apr 1, 2009 11:57 AM

Guest :

im so scared of my partner he doesn t live with me anymore but he controlls everything i do while he s out having affair after affair and i cant do i thing about it i know i am stupid but im so scared i just dont know what to do or where to go for help x is this normal to cry so much for someone who puts me through total hell who lies and treats s@@@ on his shoe better than me. i am scared for me and my children i need help to get this man out of my life

Apr 3, 2009 1:05 PM

Guest :

last night he got drunk and came to my work. He had to walk home because he refused to wait 45 minutes for me to get off shift, after i wouldnt give him his car keys. When I got home he started breaking my things in front of me. he ripped my plants apart. I left, with his keys so he wouldn't drive. He chased me out the door and kicked my legs. then he ripped my purse away and stole the keys, spit at me and called me a bitch. I started walking home, across town at midnight. He followed me in his car. I told him to leave me alone. He got out, and grabbed me. I tried to get away but he is too strong. I was screaming, and kicking. When i slapped his face as hard as i could, he finally let go. I started running. He followed me for 2 miles, stopping a little ways in front of me, getting out and spitting at me, and telling me i better get in the car.
When i got to my apt and locked the door, he called over and over again, telling me what dumb bitch i am, and how he is god, better than jesus, the revolutionary of the world but i'm to stupid to get it.
He said, "I'm going to threaten you now. Ready? If you don't come back tonight, i'll be in a really bad place. I'll drive really fast and make dangerous decisions. If you leave me alone tonight, I'll kill myself."
and then he told me how he would do it.

i had to write it down. just to see that it is what i think it is. i fear that he'll hit me, or punch me. i'm afriad everyday that i'll do something to make him mad enough. i never know when he's going to switch. his whole face changes, he doesn't recognize me. he hates me so much, just with his eyes. It's my fault because i don't understand him enough, because i made him come live in this horrible city. because i'm too vain and dumb. he's better than anyone else. He's been my boyfriend for 5 years. i'm 21.

Apr 3, 2009 1:38 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm very sorry that you're in such a terribly abusive relationship, and I urge you to call the police, move out of the city, start a new life somewhere, and get as far away from him as possible. Contact a women's shelter or abuse hotline...please do anything you can to get away from him. He needs help -- and you can't give it to him, or change him.

Get out before it's too late!

Apr 10, 2009 11:30 PM

Guest :

I think my family abuses me? I was raped and became pregnant my mother played mind games with me until I gave her the baby.My brother,sister,child, father and mother keep making their way into my life.After a few months like clock work they tell me they want nothing to do with me.All I want is answers but to fit in the family I cant ask any. I cant do this any more. I think the abuse well never end with them in my life.their is so much more I wish I could explain.

Apr 12, 2009 3:13 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'd say there is little question that you've been abused! And I agree with you - the abuse may never end as long as they're in your life.

Please get help - a counselor, psychologist, social worker - someone who you can talk to, who can help you figure out what happened and how to move forward. This isn't easy to do alone - it really helps to have an objective person help you through this.

Do come back and update me; I'd love to know how you're doing!

Laurie

Apr 13, 2009 2:39 PM

Guest :

claudia
this is for you that have been abused in anyway you are not to blame whatever abuse you have gone threw is not your fault.god loves you and die on the cross for you and me if your feeling hate or anger i ask you to let god onto your heart to take whatever your feeling away and you live your life the way he inteaded for you to live it for all of you!
god bless you

Apr 15, 2009 6:10 PM

Guest :

I'm stuck in a really crappy relationship. We share a son together, and he insists that the boy will stay w/him if I leave. To him, it's all or nothing. I hate him w/every fiber of my being. I am on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety drug just to live from day to day w/this bastard. My doctor and social worker are apalled. To top it all off, I've been on dialysis for 3 yrs. and he always throws that into the loop. BLAME, blame, blame. It's all my fault.

Apr 15, 2009 6:13 PM

Guest :

Apr 22, 2009 5:23 AM

Guest :

I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend and I are constantly getting into fights. It's like whenever we see each other that's all we ever do anymore and I want to leave him because I can't handle all the stress he's putting upon me. Whenever we get into a fight he always tells me "I can't live without you. If you leave, I'll kill myself." he's even got up onto his roof and threatened to jump off! It's pathetic! All my friends keep telling me, "You've gotta break up with him or spend some time apart from each other." And I tell them, "It's not that easy. It's easier said than done." And it's true........I can't break up with him because I love him too much. I just don't know what to do anymore!

Apr 22, 2009 5:29 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Have you ever heard of "tough love"? That's when you behave in ways that are difficult (such as leaving an abusive boyfriend) because even though you love him, you choose to respect yourself and live a full life.

Sometimes love means leaving, and it means going beyond what you feel to protecting yourself - and your kids, if you have them.

May 14, 2009 5:57 AM

Guest :

i think it is bad

Jun 4, 2009 3:08 PM

Guest :

I just got married recently to a girl whose Dad used to abuse her Mom. So her Mom left her Dad, and now she is happier.

Jun 12, 2009 8:30 AM

Guest :

My first marriage produced two children, and was an abusive situation. We were married on paper for 5 years, but seperated for 3 of those.

Now some 10+ years later, I do NOT regret leaving and ending the relationship. During that relationship I was beginning to return the abusive behavior and my attitude and outlook on life began to suffer.

Change always seems hard - and rebuilding is not easy, but in a year from now think of how you will be on a better path. The journey begins with one foot in front of the other TODAY.

Before you know it, 10 years will pass. How do you want to look back on those 10 years?

Jun 12, 2009 8:33 AM

Guest :

Jul 10, 2009 3:48 PM

Guest :

I'M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!

I'm finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he chocked me). I've tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I've booked my flight and accommodation. I don't have a job on the other side but, i'll figure something out. I'm outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I'm no longer going to be nervous or scared to offended that guy.

Jul 14, 2009 10:56 AM

Guest :

i have a friend who is being abused...when she's not with him, she fully understands whats going on, thanks to me telling her. When she is away from him she wonders why she is even continuing in the relationship, and once they are together she says "oh i love him". I know she used to be happy, but now, she is constantly worried, and questioning every little thing she does. He flips out on her for being with friends, and maybe having a little fun. yet, hes ALWAYS with a "girl" friend...what do i do to HELP! i know I'm not in the relationship, but someone needs to help her...and I've known her my whole life, i'm not about to let some low-life scum bag take over her.
She's tried breaking up with him numerous times, and each time he says "no i love and need you" for some reason she cant bring herself to do it. He hates her friends but wants her to like his friends...even when all he does is hang out with another girl. He gets jealous when shes with a guy friend plus other girl friends, but when he's alone with this other girl, she has no right to be upset. she tells herself she will do it, but never acts. i realize its hard. that's why i'm going to be by her side.

Jul 14, 2009 8:42 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry your friend can't leave this abusive relationship -- and you wouldn't believe how hard it is for some women to leave manipulative, controlling men like this!

I answered your question in my Psychology blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Help My Friend, Who Is Being Abused?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

Jul 18, 2009 7:13 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You need more than serious help in this relationship --- you need to break up with this man.

Why are you staying with someone who abuses you like this? I'm really glad you shared what's going on in your relationship, and that you recognize that you need help. But, you can't stay with this guy and expect to have a normal, healthy relationship. You deserve better than to be treated this way! You are a valuable woman who does not need a man like this in your life. Get away from him as quickly as you can.

In my Psychology blog, I list 4 steps to getting out of an abusive relationship.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Leave My Abusive Boyfriend?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.

I wish you all the best, and invite you to come back anytime.

Laurie

Aug 26, 2009 10:05 PM

Guest :

It has taken my almost four years to admit to myself that I really am in an abusive relationship. I thought about it before, and even said it to my partner, but then somehow forgot it, and felt it was a sign of weakness. I love her a lot, under it all is a great woman, who was physically, sexually and mentally abused before she met me. We met, had a great time, I fell deeply in love, and proposed marriage. Then, pregnancy, and suddenly everything changed. I didn't mind becoming a father. Emotionally I was ready, and changing nappies and losing sleep was worth it. Financially it was a strain and I've had trouble getting a better job than the one I've had since just before we met up. We have two beautiful daughters now and I love them so much.
Sometimes I think, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone despite the love and sympathy I have for ths woman.
I tried standing up for myself, but it always escalated into throwing me out of the house, which happened 10 times at least, and shamed me and made me feel like a part-time dad and worthless partner.
Recently she started telling people that I was the abusive one, because I pushed her away from me, when she was shouting at me when I was so sick I couldn't eat, or stand for long. (I was sick from lack of sleep, and trying to finish work at night). I apologised and picked her up, but she called the cops and had me chucked out telling them she feared for the kids (that part really hurt, cos I love my kids and have never abused them in anyway). A month later I came back. three months ago, she attacked me out of the blue two days in a row, for NOTHING. Both times, I was trying to help with something and she flipped, pushing me, and whipping me with a tea towel in front of the kids and her dad. I left.
While I was gone, she got my mum to mind the kids instead of me for two weeks, and then I was seeing the kids myself. We went to one counselling session. She says I didn't want to go to a second one (that scares me, cos she seems not to remember me asking when it would be on) she had a 4-5 week affair with a married man, whose wife is an alcoholic, and he's a farmer (like her own dad, and actually about the same age). She broke up with him, and told me about it, when she saw that I was behaving like a decent man, helping around the place, fixing the car (stuff I would normally do, but without the arguments cos she wasn't there when I was in the house). I know the guy.

Aug 26, 2009 10:20 PM

Guest :

--continued
She seemed to be much happier during the time she had the affair, and she said she needed to be loved (fair enough) and didn't know why I didn't want to live with her and the kids. She was even convincing herself that I must have been out seeing other women if I wasn't running back to her. In fact I was isolated, spending nights between trying to work and just trying to cope with the hurt.The reason we got back together isn't even that I asked her to let me back. She wrote that she felt terrible, like running away with the kids and never being in a relationship again. I told her that, whoever she is with, she should try to be happy, and I called around to make peace, but ended up making love, and getting back together. She left the country after that for a while to clear her head. She'd booked the trip before we got back together.
Turns out that, while away, she kept asking the guy if he'd leave his wife to be with her, but he didn't answer the question, and kept chasing her.
She told me she loves me, and didn't really love him, but she left her e-mail open once and I saw a mail to her friend saying that she loved him and vice versa. I feel like I'm second fiddle.
I feel kind of guilty for being away o long that she felt vulnerable, but I also feel that, I actually had to be away, and that, I shouldn't feel guilty that she had an affair.
Now she's pregnant, and she says it's mine. She thought about aborting it, but I said I would raise it regardless. I'd be more annoyed about being lied to than about who actually fathered it. I have lost so much self confidence and even abilities to do stuff I used to be good at, and I couldn't see why, until I looked at it from a different point of view.
I'm not sure I can trust her, or stay in the relationship.
I was numb for weeks, and only now coming to my senses. I feel torn, I have duty and love for my kids (possibly a third one). I love the woman, and also feel sorry for her, I am also angry, hurt, jealous, and feeling angry at myself for feeling so guilty for what was someone else's betrayal.
I think we need counselling, but I'm still not sure she's the type of person I want to be with for the rest of my life, or whether she can really change.

Aug 29, 2009 12:25 PM

Guest :

I just don't know how to get past it all. it's like a huge roadblock.

Sep 17, 2009 6:59 PM

Guest :

I have been in a relationship with my abuser for 11 years. There were several occasions were he hit me. He always tells me that I'm fat, he calls me all those nasty words in front of company, I'm afraid to make him angry because of what he might do, so for those 9 years out of 11 I've been making him happy so i don't get abused. But i cant do it anymore i feel that there is more out there for me I don't feel any love for him at all. I'm so afraid to leave cause he threatens to kill himself if i leave and it doesn't make it easier on me because we have children. He always thinks of himself before me and the kids. Im just so embarrassed to even be seen with him. I WANT OUT! Can anyone HELP!
~CRYING OUT FOR HELP~

Sep 18, 2009 6:01 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m very sorry and sad to hear that you’ve been with this abusive man for so long – and I’m glad you’re ready to explore a different life for yourself! It sounds like you’re at a real turning point in your life.

It’s very frightening to leave an abusive relationship, but in the long run you’ll be so glad you did. You’ll go through uncertainty and struggle – and confusion – but leaving an abusive relationship is the right thing to do.

Just yesterday, I wrote a post on my Psychology blog called “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships”, in response to a woman who asked for help on my “When You’re a Victim of Sex Abuse” article.

Please read that post, because it lists more articles about ending abusive relationships at the end. To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” – it’s in the September, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links or url’s here).

And, please call a local help or distress line – like the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Their website is also helpful. To get help for surviving abuse, you need to reach out to people in person who can offer support.

I wish you all the best, and ask that you call the helpline as soon as possible. Also, read the articles abuse – you’ll see from the comments that you’re not alone!

Laurie

Sep 23, 2009 4:26 PM

Guest :

I have freinds that say I am being emotionally and mentally abused (well should I say two friends) because that is all I have left. My family tells me, I read it on signs, I search the internet but everytime I think it is true and I bring it up to him, he says that is not abuse, I don't beat you. I do not call you names (what about cunt, whore and bitch) that is just when we are really fighting, so there is nothing wrong with that, it is out of anger. What about lazy, I get called that for laying on my couch and watching tv, because I am not paying attention to him. He busts on my family and the freinds I do have left. He calls me constantly when I am not at home, and if I don't answer he will contiue and claim it is because he is worried. He blaims everything on the world. He tells me I am to sensitive (maybe that is why I think all the things he does is wrong), I just can't handle the joking. It is only joking right? I mean he threats me, to tell secrets, or private things, to get me fired, to tell everyone how awful I am, (am i so awful?), he tells me that he wishes he could punch me, he has broken one of my cell phones, he makes me so physically upset, I don't know whether to cry or laugh or scream... I feel crazy half the time. I am not sure what is real and what is not. He tells me that he doesn't say things, and that I am imaging it (maybe I am crazy). He says he just gets loud because his dad was verbally and physically abusive and sometimes he just feels angry and iritated because of me. He lives with me. He basically threatened to leave if I did not move with him, so Its been 3 years now. I finally stood up to him. He is packing at home. Supposibly leaving this weekend. I have to move home with my parents because he ruined my credit, and I am breaking a lease that is under my name, because his credit was to bad. Am I crazy, is he crazy. Am I overreacting. Am I right, am I wrong. I am gonna miss him making me laugh, but not making me cry. It is so hard. 7 years down the drain. what do i do, do I beg him not to leave now, like he did to me. Do i stand firm. I just don't want to live anymore. I am sick of all of this. cause if I live I hurt, and If I stay I hurt, if I leave I hurt. I am so sick of hurting. I just would rather give it all up, and not hurt anymore....

Sep 24, 2009 7:29 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!!

The hurt you will feel when you leave is nothing compared to the hurt you will feel if you stay. If you stay, the pain goes on and on and on……..if you leave, the pain will hurt once, then slowly fade away.

It’s like ripping a band-aid off: OUCH!! Then it fades and heals……or you can keep picking at this festering wound and keep letting him cause you pain and more pain and more pain until he destroys your spirit and life right.

Read the posts on my Psychology blog – especially the one called “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships.”

That post lists more articles about ending abusive relationships. To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” – it’s in the September, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links here).

And, please call a local help or distress line – like the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Their website is also helpful. To get help for surviving abuse, you need to reach out to people in person who can offer support.

I wish you all the best, and ask that you call the helpline as soon as possible. Also, read the articles about abuse – you’ll see from the comments that you’re not alone!

Laurie

Sep 26, 2009 7:47 AM

Guest :

I AM A SURVIVER; to all women men and children out there in an abusive relationship it can be done, it took me 2 years and countless times to leave but I finally did it and I've never looked back after 3 years! It is possible but it is EXTREAMLY HARD!!! Somedays I feel like if i would have stayed it would have been easier; but today I am alive and thank full.. there are still complacations and he is still a problem so do think it just went away because it didnt..I just want you all to know that some people make it! and I'm wishing that for you today and for the rest of my days of life I pray for people in this situation! Best wishes to your own escape and journey of recovery xoxo

Sep 30, 2009 7:56 AM

Guest :

I"m an abuse victim as well........ and it does not discriminate! I'm only 18 turning 19 in NOvember and it is so hard to deal with and even harder to get rid of! I'm praying about it. I have a 5 month old son and just hopes that everything works out for us!

Oct 5, 2009 7:29 AM

Guest :

I was eight years old when my mother married my stepfather and we then moved to Williamston N.C. At first everything was okay she loved him and he loved her. He was sweet,gentle,understanding and very funny. He smoked alot, maybe more than what he should then he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Thats when the hell started he began to be very agressive and controling always trying to order her around. He hated her to visit family and always wanted her home with him. He use to always TRY to beat me and my little sister for no reason, but my mother would never let that happen. One day she realized that she was living in hell and decided to leave him. She told him that it was over. She had a made up mind to get out. So she dropped me and my little sister off with out grandma for the weekend while she packed. That night she called me on the phone and we talked for 5 minutes she said "Girl I can't do it anymore I am leaving his ass." The next thing I know I heard him in the back ground saying: "Hang up the phone I am going to kill you I'm going to kill you." I hung up called the police and then thats when I arrived at the house to find out my Mommy was dead she had been shot in her head, her stomach and her heart. Sadly to say me and my little sister was left motherless lost in a big world. That was 3 years ago and I still havent recovered I am a senior in High School with more than just a story to tell. It's my life.
My name is Shereeka Johnson and I plan to write a book based on my experience with life. So in about 10 years you will hearn from me...

Oct 5, 2009 1:32 PM

Guest :

I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year. He began to physically abuse me about 3 months after we bagan living together. Since the first time things have escalated from pushing and slapping to acutal punching, kicking, pulling hair, and throwing me on the ground. I know I need to get out for my saftey. But why is it that after we fight and I tell him to leave and that its over, he somehow manages to stay. He somehow makes me feel like I need him, when I really don't. And when he asks me "Do you really want me to leave", I cant say yes and just be done with it. The last time I got past this point and he was actually walking away I had a break down and couldn't let go off him. I have noticed that just recently I'm scared of being in my home. I don't say what I feel or think because I don't want to provoke him to hit me. I do what according to him I'm supposed to do, so as not to upset him and provoke him to hit me. This is not the way a relationship should be. When we fight or have an arguement I can make myself physically sick. I know this is not a healthy relationship and that it is affecting my personal well being...But how can I get out???

Oct 5, 2009 10:00 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m sorry your relationship is so bad – and I hope you find the strength to leave!

Please call a local help or distress line – like the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Their website is also helpful. To get help for surviving abuse, you need to reach out to people in person who can offer support.

I can’t write all my other suggestions for you here, but I’ve responded on my Psychology blog. There are two articles there that might help you: one is “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” and the other is “How to Leave a Bad Relationship” (this second one is the one I just wrote in response to you).

Please read those posts, because it lists more articles about ending abusive relationships at the end. To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” – it’s in the September, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links or url’s here).

The “How to Leave a Bad Relationship” article is in the October 2009 section on the side panel.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 8, 2009 4:48 AM

Guest :

i was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, i am 24 years old, when we started going out my mom told me stop giving him so much control over your life but i said no , it is not ocntrol i just love him, oh how wrong i was my son is 18 months and since my son was born he has been seeing the abuse to the point where he is hitting people and thinking it is funny and right, my abusier walked out on us for another woman about three months ago, i thank God cause i am now able to heal, but what i am trying to say is all women who are being abuse stop saying u cannot leave him cause of what he will do himself cause when he is tried of using, mistreating and abusing u, and think u are worth nothing anymore he will leave u or kill u, dont wait until then walk away now, pray to God and he will help u get out, i prayed everyday and Gods answered my prays and made him leave.

Oct 10, 2009 6:16 AM

Guest :

Yeah - Tell someone - and when that someone is a officer and he puts you in cuffs because you are the male and she is the female and refuses to look at your wounds and she has none but you still go to jail and you loose your job while she just keeps getting positive input that she had the right to defend herself (against you screaming like a baby curled up in a fetal position to try to keep her from breaking your nose like she has done before) who the f*ck are you going to tell? You get your guilty until proven day in court I can guarentee you that but you better remember - You are guilty if you are the man and there is nobbody that will even care - je

Oct 14, 2009 5:35 AM

Guest :

Well I kept in my child sexual abuse in for 33years, married for almost 8 years. I appreciated, respected and loved my wife for the person she is. Sadly she judged me, accused me, screams at me for no reason, threw money problems in my face even though I was the one that was working. I was made to feel inadequate, a failure and more. I always got the blame for everything. Yet when we went for counselling, she made out to be the victim, and said it is all me, everything. I know, all she ever wanted were the children.

Oct 21, 2009 4:58 PM

Guest :

I have been married for 22 yrs. and been phically and mentally abused. Thats hard for me to say. we have 5 children 4 boys and a girl. The abuse started a month after we got married i was 16 when we marred and iam 40 now. He as not hit me in yrs but mentally he has said thing. my children have seen his push me and get in my face and yell. He would tell me to stop useing the past as a cruch to let him love me. I dont trust him and iam scared of him. I left for the last time a year ago. But he still says he dont want the divorce and he told my children that i was having and afair on him. It a mess dont know what to do.

Oct 22, 2009 9:45 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering abuse from your husband for this long. I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave him. It’s difficult and scary, but it leaving this abusive relationship could be the best thing you ever do!

Please read my article called “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” on my Psychology blog. It offers a few suggestions for getting help, plus links to different articles about abuse.

To read it, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” – you’ll also find it in the Sept, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope it helps, and welcome more comments or questions there or here.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 27, 2009 11:44 AM

Guest :

I AM A MOTHER OF A 15YR OLD DAUGHTER I BELIVE SHE IS IN A EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS SHE HAS WENT FROM BEIGN THIS CAREFREE ALWAYS MATICULLUSLY DRESSED GIRL TO BEIGN WITHDRAWN AND NOT GIVING HER APPERANCE A SECOND THOUGHT. I HAVE ASKED HER IF SHE IS IN A HAPPY LOVING RELATIONSHIP AND SHE ALWAYS SAYS SHE IS FINE AND WHEN I BRING UP ABUSE SHE FLIPS OUT AND SAYS MOM HE DOESN'T HIT ME HE IS NOT LIKE THAT I HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HER THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL FORMS OF ABUSE. HE BROKE UP WITH HER THE OTHER DAY BECAUSE HE GOT MAD ABOUT SOMETHING SHE WOULD NOT TELL ME THEN THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER AND SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM THIS MORNING BECAUSE HE GOT MAD THAT SHE WAS GOING TO WEAR A CLIP IN HER HAIR AND HE SAID THAT SHE COULDNT BECAUSE SHE IS JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HIM BECAUSE SHE SHOULD ONLY WEAR A CLIP WHEN SHE IS WITH HIM I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON NOW BUT I DO KNOW THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP HER THRU THIS SHE DOES NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE ON HOW TO HELP HER THANK YOU A CONCERNED MOM

Oct 29, 2009 8:07 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m sorry your daughter is in this abusive relationship. That must be very difficult for you, very painful. And, 15 is right in the middle of those hormonal, wild, sometimes out of control teenage years, which makes something as touchy as abusive relationships very difficult to approach!

One thing you can do is learn how to talk to your teen. I suggest searching in Google for “How to Talk With Your Teenagers” – Psych Central has a good basic article about it. (I can’t include links in this comments section). You might also read books about talking to teens, connecting with them, etc.

Regarding your teen’s possibly abusive relationship – I can’t fit my advice to you here in this comments section. Instead, I wrote it all up in a post on my Psychology blog. This way, I can include links, bolded text for important parts, etc. The post is called “How Do I Help My Daughter, Who is in an Abusive Relationship?”

To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Help My Daughter, Who is in an Abusive Relationship?” – you’ll also find it in the Oct, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope that information helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.

Best wishes,
Laurie