Fear of intimacy involves hiding behind emotional walls. To overcome fear of intimacy, you must develop trust and vulnerability in your love relationships. Here's how.
Overcoming fear of intimacy is about learning to be yourself in your relationship - which involves developing trust and vulnerability in love relationships. This is simple in theory, difficult in practice! Intimacy in love relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. Intimacy is risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.
Developing trust and vulnerability in your love relationships can be scary - but doing it and overcoming fear of intimacy can improve your relationships and deepen your life!
Intimacy is similar to authenticity, in that both involve revealing your true self. Fear of intimacy is common, and can be related to fear of commitment – but they’re not the same thing. You can be married or committed to your partner, but not emotionally intimate. You can be in love, but not connected. Overcoming fear of intimacy allows real emotional and physical connections.
Signs of Possible Fear of Intimacy:
Deliberate withholding of personal information is probably fear of intimacy.
Withdrawing when others talk about their thoughts and feelings. Protecting yourself often reveals fear of intimacy.
Critical of yourself or others is fear of intimacy.
Feelings of anger or discomfort when others voice their thoughts and opinions show a fear of intimacy.
Lack of affection with loved ones can indicate fear of intimacy.
Don’t forget that some people are simply less demonstrative about their feelings; this doesn't necessarily indicate a fear of intimacy. Remember that you can work to be yourself and develop trust and vulnerability in your love relationships, but you can’t change your loved ones.
Overcoming Fear of Intimacy Involves:
Recognizing your habit of hiding behind emotional walls, whether it’s withdrawing silently or being overly effusive and talkative. To overcome fear of intimacy, you need to see yourself objectively.
Realizing that hiding doesn’t necessarily mean verbal silence. You can hide your real self and still be the extroverted centre of attention or leader of the pack.
Noticing when you’re hiding, and consciously deciding if you should continue (sometimes you don’t necessarily want to spill your guts – you need to discern when to open up). When you're trying to overcoming fear of intimacy, you need to choose when to open up.
Telling your partner that you want to hide, and you feel uncomfortable talking about your thoughts. Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your discomfort and fear, especially with someone you love. Communication often makes negative feelings dissipate.
Practicing sharing one thought at a time. Take small steps with people you trust; soon, sharing yourself will become a habit and you’ll be comfortable developing trust and vulnerability in your love relationships. You can overcome your fear of intimacy - one step at a time.
Seeking help from a counselor if these steps don’t work for you. There are underlying issues that are making you fearful, and dealing with those directly may be the only way to overcome your fear of intimacy.
Overcoming Fear of Intimacy: You Can't Change Your Partner
Other than encouraging openness and honesty, you can’t do anything to change your partner’s fear of intimacy – just like you can’t expect to change their personality or habits. You can share how your partner’s lack of intimacy makes you feel (eg, “I feel scared when I don’t know how you feel when we fight.”), and express your wish for a closer love relationship. The more you discuss fear of intimacy, the more your partner may open up. Overcoming fear of intimacy requires honesty on both sides.
You can’t force someone open up to you, but you can choose who to become involved with and how much of yourself you give to them. Overcoming fear of intimacy can be done in established relationships, especially if outside help is sought!
If you found Overcoming Fear of Intimacy helpful, try:
The copyright of the article Overcoming Fear of Intimacy in Couples Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Overcoming Fear of Intimacy in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
. That was an excellent article, Laurie. . While we cannot
change others, we can encourage them to express themselves. And, when they
express themselves and see that they're still okay in your eyes, they will
build more self respect toward their own being. It's important to let them
know that we won't reject them, no matter what. That's part of the trust
building you speak about. . You have given excellent and good
advice. . :) .
Dec 12, 2006 2:48 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks, Pink! My next article, related to this one, is about casual versus
committed sex. Fear of intimacy plays a big part in casual encounters, and
I'm wondering if that will raise any interesting discussions?
Sep 15, 2008 11:41 PM
Guest :
Considering this article is over a year and a half old I have no idea if
anyone will be reading or responding to this but I'll give it a shot
anyways I guess. I'm pretty young. I'm in my last year of college and
although I've noticed it in the past I've never really confronted it as if
it were a real issue. I don't have relationships. I have casual sex and I
have friends but I don't ever actually go into the whole boyfriend
girlfriend thing. I never have. And anymore I've stopped having even casual
sex. Once a guy shows real interest in getting to know me it's almost
guarenteed that I will in some way push him away. I don't share my feelings
at all and I'm now at a point that I worry anyone I know truly know me. I'm
affectionate with my family but not with friends or even guys that I'm
interested in. It's as if I view sharing your feelings as a weakness when I
know logically that it's not. Yes, crying or seeing someone else crying
makes me incredibly uncomfortable but I don't inwardly think that its
wrong. Most people that know me only know whatever small portion I decide
to share, and that includes people I've been close to most of my life. I
read over the tips to overcome a fear of intimacy but to be honest it
sounds incredibly overwhelming and impossible. I recently went out on
several dates with a guy and towards the end of a night out together he
says to me "How much longer will it take for you to start to open up a
little?" and I thought to myself "this is open for me." This
can't be normal, can it?
Sep 16, 2008 5:18 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for posting - and yes, no matter how old the articles are, I do see
all the comments :)
Whether or not you're normal is less
important than how you feel about your relationship, or your way of
relating to your boyfriend or others. If he can't accept that this is as
much as you can open up, then he has a decision to make about your
relationship. If you would like to open up more, then I'd suggest seeking
counseling or reading books on letting people in.
It sounds like
you're scared of getting hurt. The way to get past that is to figure out
why that is, and practice specific ways to build a more open, vulnerable
relationship with a man.
The good news is that you're very aware
that you're pushing people away! The real problem is when you can't see
that there's a problem.
Please feel free to come back and tell
me how you're doing!
Best, Laurie
Oct 9, 2008 9:22 AM
Guest :
Bravo! I really enjoyed that. It really hit the nail on the head. No
messing around and there is seems to be an understanding of the position as
well; that's important.
Oct 27, 2008 3:28 PM
Guest :
Fear of intimacy. I am a 48 yrs old and I am very attactive women and
could have anyone man I would like. I dont know how I got here but I have
been pushing people awaytoo all my life, last time I had a relationship or
a Boyfriend it was 6 yrs ago and I think he was the reason why I became
this way. He was very controling person, a freak and jealous and insecure
who undermine my selfsteem often. I have been able to let anyone in my life
ever since, what i like to knowis how do I get out of this? How can I see
light in the end of this tunel again. I frankly dont know if I am capable
of love, or be afectionate or trust anyone again and to make matters worse
I tend to criticize a lot putting everyone down.Nobody is good enough for
me, I can find thousands of reasons why he is not good for me. I can see
that my behavior is destructive, sometime I dont know who am I anymore or
what do I want from a relationship?I agree with the College Girl. Is so
easy to have casual sex with a total stranger than someone else who is
special & caring. But now not even Casual sex is doing the trick I
feel lonely, sad and I dont want do this anymore. Can you help me find
books where I can get self help?
Marsha
Oct 28, 2008 6:24 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Marsha, I don't know if a book will help you in the way you need. I went to
counseling for a year to deal with my own relationship fears, and I know
that a book couldn't have helped me the way my counselor did.
Seeing a counselor is one of the best ways to take care of yourself and
get healthy - but you have to make sure you connect with him or her, and
that you feel comfortable and ready to make changes. Counseling is one of
the hardest things you'll ever do because you have to face all the stuff
you're running from....I know I resented my counselor many times! But I'm
so glad I stuck it out - I've been married for 3 years now, and love it.
I don't know of any "fear of intimacy" books offhand, but
I'd suggest going to Amazon.com and searching that topic. My counselor had
recommended that I read 2 or 3 books about relationship fears, but I can't
remember the titles - that was 5 years ago now.
Go talk to
someone, Marsha. Start dealing with your fears, or you'll feel lonely and
sad the rest of your life.
Nov 17, 2008 7:49 AM
Guest :
Hi Laurie, Thanks for your input , I wish but can't afford counseling right
now, so I have to do it on my own. Last time I was depressed and angry I
started to read a lot It help to identify that I was not the problem it
was the guy I mentioned before. I was glad to move on and out of the
relantionship at time. It took me 2 years to overcome and start dating
again but it just like I said before. Oh well maybe something good will
happen to good people. I know I mean well, but the fear of letting someone
hurting me again is just overwhelming to me. I just to wanted to say that
your website is very good thanks for listening .
Dec 2, 2008 12:47 PM
Guest :
Hello! This is a great article, but I'm on the reverse of this issue. I
have been married for 2.5 years to a great guy (we've been together for
almost 5), and until the last year or so we've had a great sex life. We're
both in our late 20's. He's recently openly admitted that he has a fear of
intimacy (his mother has the same issue, and he comes from a family that's
not very loving AT ALL). He's had some issues with his parents, and as such
he's sought counseling. I've asked him if the intimacy issue is also part
of the discussion, but he's reluctant to tell me since "he shouldn't
discuss his sessions with me." As I type right now, it's been 6 weeks
since we've been intimate with each other - however, I should note, that he
does masturbate, more often than I think I know. I'm in the midst of
battling some depression and self-image issues and this simply makes things
MUCH worse. While I understand that he isn't required to discuss his
therapy sessions, I feel I am owed some honesty about where he's at in this
journey and if I can expect some improvement. I'm losing patience and this
is a big deal to me. I'm a little lost, as you can see...any advice?
Dec 2, 2008 1:35 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It's great that he's in counseling, and I have heard that people shouldn't
discuss their sessions. Though it's difficult, I'd suggest giving him some
space. Have you ever been to counseling? It's very difficult to face your
issues and grow and heal, and he might need some down time when he's at
home. He may not be able to connect to you physically - he may feel
vulnerable and raw.
I'd suggest letting him know that you're
there for him - anytime he needs to talk, you'll be happy to listen. And
let him know that you miss him sexually, and will welcome him back with
open arms when he's ready!
I'd also ask if the counselor will
ever want to see the two of you together. I don't know if now's the right
time to ask, but it seems like it'd be good to bring the two of you in.
Good luck with your relationship - as I was reading your comment, I
was thinking that this sounds like a phase. All marriages go through those
ups and downs....even after 50 years, they go up and down! I suspect this
is a bit of a valley, and he'll come back when he's ready.
Best
wishes, Laurie
Jan 10, 2009 10:10 PM
Guest :
I found a lot of great informatin on this site, Thank You. I've been
dating someone with intimacy issues for a year and a half. He's never told
me he loves me nor does he say it or hear it from his family. He's 28 and
has never had a relationship that lasted even two years. His parents went
through a long and messy divorce/custody battle when he was little (which
is my theory as to why he has these issues now...maybe his parents weren't
emotionally available during this time). This last week he suggested I move
on, he's waisting my time, as he can't give me what I want (assuming I want
marriage). He said he thinks he's an asshole, he's unhappy (though he says
not because of me), he has relationship and intimacy issues, and he doesn't
know what he wants. He says I'm the sweetest girl he's ever met and if I
can't do it for him... This came out of nowhere for me. I was
devistated. I left and haven't seen or talked to him since (four days ago).
I have been researching fear of intimacy/intimacy issues to try to better
understand him while trying to give him some space. I love him very much
and want a chance at what we have. I want to be there for him if he wants
to overcome his fears. I'm assuming he doesn't want to be alone...why else
would he have pursued a relationship with me? I want to let him know he
can depend on me and no matter what I'll love him but I don't know if I
should really step in like that. Is it okay to suggest counseling to him?
Do I need to step back, giving him space and time? He seemed so
unhappy and depressed when I left but he seemed to want to be alone. Should
I try to leave him alone or is it okay to fight for what I want, suggest he
work on his issues, be patient, understanding, loving and dependable?
Jan 27, 2009 10:37 PM
Guest :
Nobody wants to listen to me. They just want me happy and agreeable. It
doesn't matter who, or where or when. I'm tired of being alone, and I'm
tired of people not wanting who I am.
Feb 10, 2009 4:57 PM
Guest :
Laurie,
I appreciate many of your thoughts and suggestions. I
have recently ended a 16 year relationship in which was filled with abuse
and loneliness... on both parts. I have since found the most amazing man I
have ever met and we quickly got involved and fell in love. I however, am
struggling with fear of intimacy. I fear opening up
"completely," along with the knowledge of this fear I fear that
it will eventually come between us.
I am however communicating
these fears with my boyfriend. He is very supportive and keeps telling me
that all he can do is tell me he loves me no matter what. I am grateful
for his understanding and insight.
In my mind I can
rationalize how I should react and how I am possibly "over
reacting" to the issue. But as soon as those feelings settle into my
heart the fear overwhelms me and I clam up and/or get defensive. At one
point as an unconscience reaction to the fears I have I started my
impulsive "flirting" with other men in an attempt to subdue my
fears and regain "control" of my feelings. At that point one of
my dreams saved me. I had a dream after that that my flirting had led to a
fight that ended my relationship with my boyfriend. I woke up devestated
and crying. I appologized to my boyfriend and promised that that would
never happen again. He of coarse is amazing and told me I had nothing to
worry about... he loved me and understood me.
I am very grateful
for the man I have now and know that I don't want anything to jeopardize
our relationship. I know I have started down the right path in recognizing
my fears and reactions to them, but short of getting professional help I am
at a roadblock in my dealing with the situation. Any suggestions?
Heidi
Feb 12, 2009 7:45 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Wow, it sounds like you have an amazing man, and a great relationship! Well
done -- you've made a good life choice.
You're doing the right
things, and I suggest that you give yourself time. Relationships are
amazing in that they go through stages, and right now you're in the
"overcoming fear of intimacy" stage. You're trusting your
partner, trusting yourself to be vulnerable, and working on a healthy
relationship. This doesn't mean you'll never get hurt -- it means that
you're giving the best of yourself! That's great. Hard to do, which makes
it even more special.
So, trust that overcoming your intimacy
fears will get easier and easier. Perhaps you could also read books about
building healthy relationships, and talk about the writer's suggestions or
comments with your partner.
Good luck with your new
relationship! It sounds pretty healthy to me :-)
Laurie
Feb 15, 2009 8:44 AM
Guest :
There are just so many factors when 20 year-olds are trying to deal with
this type of relationship when they have little or no experience and their
brain development for rational thinking isn't complete. It is so important
to take ownership of your own feelings using the "I" instead of
"You make me" statements to avoid putting additional pressure on
the partner with the intimacy fears. Of course, after a couple of months
that dreaded "I love you" comes out and dosen't help the matter.
No one in this type of relationship should say "I love you" until
you know the other person can handle it without the pressure of
reciprocating. It is also important to avoid alcohol because when most
people drink, that wall comes down, emotions come out and can further
complicate and confuses the situation. I told my nephew that if he wants to
try and make this work he needs to arm himself with the tools to learn
everything you can about intimacy fears and develop the skill to know how
to communicate with someone with these fears, - when to know enough is
enough; how to observe. You have to meet them on their terms initially and
slowly work through it. They have to gain their trust that you are not
going to leave them since this is so easily tied to rejection and
abandonment. It is a process. If you are not going to commit to the
process then don't start as the damage can be too much - have enough
respect for the other person. I told my neph that at 21, the reality of
being long term partners is slim and to consider what will happen when you
breakup with someone with intimacy fears. It exacerbates the problem. I
recommend a book "Between Two Worlds" that follows a study group
for 20+ years into their adult life. If you can discern from the book
specific situations, it may help develop a response plan. You have to
learn to RESPOND instead of REACT. I also told my neph that most people I
talk with say their greatest mistake in trying to work through any
relationship was TEXT MESSAGING instead of talking - it never worked! OK
for small talk, but BAD BAD BAD for important conversations.
Feb 18, 2009 7:07 PM
Guest :
Here is some food for thought..... I have had my fair share of
'singleness' and 'relationships'. I have concluded that both scenarios
have pros and cons. The pros of being single are the cons of coupledom and
the cons of singledom are the pros of coupledom. What I realized is
that I could either focus on the pros or the cons in either situation.
Focusing on the cons placed me into a dark, confused and angry place and I
was forced to clean some things up within myself in order to see the
light..and finally fall in love with 'me'. It is a process, however it is
getting much easier to focus on all of the 'pros' now. Life is good! :) If you relate to what I have typed, I suggest reading the above article
'64 ways to say I love you'.....but read with the intent of loving yourself
in mind. After you know how to truly do that well, I have have a
sneakin' suspicion that you will attract healthy love into all of your
relationships. Also, if the expense of a good therapist is not an
option..... A fantastic read is....."Seed Thoughts for Loving
Yourself - Cultivating the Garden of Your Mind Day by Day." All
the best on your own personal journey...
Apr 1, 2009 9:54 PM
Guest :
Hi , thanks for the article. The tips on overcoming fear intimacy hit the
core of me. I have found that counseling, reading books, going to church
and sharing with good friend or family members has help me take steps in
overcoming , After ready the article and the comments i feel better b/c
knowing i am not alone or the only one who has this issue makes me feel
normal and knowing that i can overcome it and that others have overcome and
are working on it let me know when i make small steps, to pat myself on the
back , even though the steps are small i am moving in the right direction.
It is ok to be little protective but not over protective..... i was aware
clue of being fearful was verbal silence but i was unaware of talking
being center of attention still could be hiding.. The comment about
casual sex and commited sex... I dont judge anyone for casual sex but i
have not had casual sex becuase of my fear of intimcy.. thinking about
casual sex makes me feel lonely and commited sex frigthens me even more
sometimes... I can relate to pushing men away, when we got close i would
find something wrong and break up or sabotage the relationship to make him
what to leave me. when i start falling in love and have sex then sometimes
next day i would be cold and distant and not even notice it. I am becoming
less afraid of commited sex the older i am because i desire to share my
life, my body, heart and mind with a potential husband. Not having any sex
seems lonely too. so i decided to take the risk of commited sex even though
hard to be open and vulnerable. what has helped me is becoming friend
first and not getting comfortable with relationship and releaze that my
fear of intimacy sometimes seem to disappear and sometimes it re appear in
subtle ways.... I was searching the internet to get some tips in
overcoming my fear and i found it in this article... I am focusing less
on whether iam normal or not but on how i do not want to feel alone and
lonely. when someone points out that i'm holding back then i try find out
why and communicate better... Recently guy im dating complain about
shutting him out emotional. When i heard that my first reaction to push him
away and look for someone else to date or be by myself again but instead
.. I apologize and explain to him that im interest in him, but building
relationship is hard for me and to be patient with him and ask him what do
i need to do to make our relationship better.
Jul 24, 2009 2:11 PM
Guest :
Hi- My husband and I both have issues around this topic... I realize after
4 years of marriage that it's not just him. Both of our pasts include much
casual sex, one night stands, superficial relationships. I tried for years
before we were married to establish real intimacy w/ him, and he was very
resistant always, so I considered it his fault. But I think I wasn't really
capable in the first place and tried to blame it on his unwillingness. We
have no sex life whatsoever, and inability to open up to eachother
emotionally in any way. I've had an affair with an older man. He and I had
an incredibly intimate and intense sexual and emotional relationship for
about 1.5 years but I have withdrawn because it got difficult to see
eachother, I feel guilty about a variety of things... and other reasons
probably. I've now upset HIM as he feels abandonded emotioally and it's
made me more aware of my own problems. I want to have a happy relationship
w/ my husband but I have no idea where to even start. Friends can't
understand that it's not that we have grown apart-- we've been a couple for
10 years and never developed an intimate relationship. I have abuse issues,
he won't talk about anyting but I suspect he does too and won't allow
himself to know. All signs point to it. I don't know whether to give up or
try-- is there any way that two people as f-ed up as we are can have
anything real together? We fight because we resent eachother in so many
ways, we're both hurt people. I don't know what I should do. Amanda
Sep 13, 2009 7:24 PM
Guest :
I have got a hell of a story for you. There will probably not be space to
tell it. I have had two love at first sight experiences in my life. I am
married, fairly happily, to the woman I had the second one with. The first
one was with an 18-yr old girl who had, and last I knew (at age 33)still
did have an absolutely crippling fear of intimacy and of being hurt. Of
course what happened was a disaster from my point of view. We went out,
and, being something close to soul-mates, hit it off almost incredibly
well. (When we got back in touch 15 years later the same thing started
happening, and I started falling all over again.) For me it was good news,
but for her it was bad news. But worse news yet was coming for me: like
most young women with low self-esteem and fear of intimacy she was into
casual sex, and had had some, with a locally notorious womanizer, in
between when I asked here out and when we went out. When she told me, I had
a dreadful insecurity collapse, making myself quite romantically repellent
to her, but at the same time increasing intimacy between us. She finally
told me that she could never have sex with anyone she felt close to, and
that meant me. "It couldn't be casual with you". Then she
proceeded to have sex with, so it seemed, every other guy in the dorm we
were living in. Wonderful. I thought I was gonna die. And now I am out of
energy to tell the rest of the story in any detail. In 2000, after about
two and half months of often long phone conversations and one meeting (with
5 kids in tow in total) I freaked out and wrote her a love letter. I am
virtually certain I am the only man in her life who ever called her things
like "truly precious", in part because I am the only man that she
ever let that close. (She was recently divorced from a distant and unloving
marriage full of constant conflict. No surprise, perhaps: if casual
relationships will not do, and fear of being hurt still rules, then distant
and unloving relationships are the next best thing.) Then I am afraid I
turned into something of a semi-stalker, writing her every year on her
birthday and Christmas. (This is very embarassing for me to admit.) My
excuse was that I knew she was so insecure that it would probably take her
only half a year to start thinking I did not care anymore. But I must also
admit that I did a fair amount of berating her for her perverse attitudes
toward men (she has always been big on jerks over nice-guys: part of
distancing) UP AGAINST THE LIMIT HERE
Oct 25, 2009 3:01 PM
Guest :
Hi Laurie.
This article was very helpful and I can see that I
have lots of stuff to work through. I have pushed every man away from me
because he is has big nose or something like that. I moved a lot when I
was a kid, I never got that security you need as a child. Since I grew up
I have been moving, place to place, even to different country to find
"me". But now I know why and can do something about it. Thank you. Helena
Dec 9, 2006
