Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your real self with others. Intimacy is communicating your true thoughts & feelings; fear of intimacy involves emotional walls.
Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself in your relationship. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.
Overcoming fear of intimacy can improve your relationships and deepen your life.
Intimacy is similar to authenticity, in that both involve revealing your true self. Fear of intimacy is common, and can be related to fear of commitment – but they’re not the same thing. You can be married or committed to your partner, but not emotionally intimate. You can be in love, but not connected. Overcoming fear of intimacy allows real emotional and physical connections.
Signs of possible fear of intimacy:
- Deliberate withholding of personal information is probably fear of intimacy.
- Withdrawing when others talk about their thoughts and feelings. Protecting yourself often reveals fear of intimacy.
- Critical of yourself or others is fear of intimacy.
- Feelings of anger or discomfort when others voice their thoughts and opinions show a fear of intimacy.
- Lack of affection with loved ones can indicate fear of intimacy.
Don’t forget that some people are simply less demonstrative about their feelings; this doesn't necessarily indicate a fear of intimacy. You can work on your self to become more intimate, if you’d like, but you can’t change your loved ones.
Overcoming fear of intimacy involves:
- Recognizing your habit of hiding behind a wall, whether it’s withdrawing silently or being overly effusive and talkative. You really want to overcome your fear of intimacy.
- Realizing that hiding doesn’t necessarily mean verbal silence. You can hide your real self and still be the centre of attention or leader of the pack.
- Noticing when you’re hiding, and consciously decide if you should continue (sometimes you don’t necessarily want to spill your guts – you need to discern when to open up). When you're trying to overcoming fear of intimacy, you need to choose when to open up.
- Telling your partner that you want to hide, and you feel uncomfortable talking about your thoughts. Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your discomfort and fear, especially with someone you love. Communication often makes negative feelings dissipate.
- Practicing sharing one thought at a time. Take baby steps with people you trust; soon, sharing your self will become a habit and you’ll be comfortable doing it often. You'll overcome your fear of intimacy one step at a time.
- Seeking help from a counselor if these steps don’t work for you. There are underlying issues that are making you fearful, and dealing with those directly may be the only way to overcome your fear of intimacy.
Overcoming fear of intimacy: there's no changing your partner
Other than encouraging openness and honesty, you can’t do anything to improve your partner’s fear of intimacy – just like you can’t expect to change their personality or habits. You can share how your partner’s lack of intimacy makes you feel (eg, “I feel scared when I don’t know how you feel when we fight.”), and express your wish for a closer relationship. The more you discuss fear of intimacy, the more your partner may open up. Overcoming fear of intimacy requires honesty on both sides.
You can’t force someone open up to you, but you can choose who to become involved with and how much of your self you give to them. Overcoming fear of intimacy can be done in established relationships, especially if outside help is sought.
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