Find comfort through connection with mothers who mourn, from "And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart" by Charlotte Mathes, a psychologist and mother who lost her child.
Mourning a lost child never gets easier, but it might be comforting to know you're not alone in grieving the death of your son or daughter.
If you've suffered the death of your child, you might not feel so alone if you gather with other mothers who are mourning their lost children. Below is an excerpt from Charlotte Mathes' book, called And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child.
Mourning a Lost Child - A Psychologist and Mother Shares Her Grief
When a child dies, we lose our commonsense faith in life's predictability. The unanticipated early death cuts through what we have formerly assumed is a natural order of things, shaking the very foundation of our living. When a son or daughter dies, all we believed comes into question and we feel as if we have no standpoint.
There is a saying to the effect that we only understand our lives after we have suffered disappointment: "Life is what happens to you after you make your plans." Once we had ideas about what coming years would bring to our family. After the death of our child, however, we find ourselves thrust into a period where, while there is no foretelling the future, we suddenly have no plans, and our dreams have been shattered.
How different this is from the sadness we feel when an older person dies. If she has lived a full life and dies naturally, we may miss her, reminisce about all she meant to us, and perhaps wish that we had taken more time to appreciate her. We also come to acknowledge that life brings a series of losses, and we may even understand that they are somehow necessary, or at least part of everyone's experience. But the death of our child attacks our understanding of life's rhythm and purpose, leaving us wandering in unmapped territory.
Grieving the Death of Your Son or Daughter
After John Kennedy Junior's plane crash, Lauren Basset's parents and Carolyn Basset Kennedy released the following statement: "Nothing in life prepares you for the death of a child." Though it had been twelve years since my son's death, I wept when I read those words, for they brought me back to when I was unprepared for my struggles with his illness, for his death, and for the challenging grief work required to once more be fully alive.
Today's women mature knowing much about how to deal with expected milestones: sexual experience, marriage, professional life, working motherhood, and even divorce, remarriage, and menopause. That which we don't already know, we feel reasonably confident of learning from abundant resources which are easily available to us.
Consequently, we don't anticipate a life-changing event -- mourning the loss of someone you love -- that puts the core of our being in doubt. Even those who have experienced much tragedy in their lives are unprepared for a child's death. Without self-pity, Ruth first summarizes her many losses before coming to her stark conclusion:
"My life has been full of pain. As a child, I experienced coming from 'the wrong side of the tracks.' My father and mother left me when I was thirteen and I had to find other caregivers. My little sister died when I was eight; my father died when I was twenty-two.
My oldest son had cancer of the bone at age eighteen. My first and only grandson was born with Down's syndrome. He had open heart surgery and was in critical condition for two weeks. My husband had open heart surgery and died two years after Tom committed suicide.
None of this has been as devastating as my son Tom's death."
Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child by Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D. Copyright © 2006 Charlotte Mathes. Published by Chiron Publications (September 2005).
Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D., is a certified Jungian analyst, a graduate of the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. She received her doctoral degree in psychoanalysis from the Union Graduate School in Cincinnati and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. Dr. Mathes has been in private practice in New Orleans for twenty years. She lectures and leads seminars in Jungian psychology, family therapy, and bereavement.
If you found Mourning a Lost Child helpful, read:
The copyright of the article Mourning a Lost Child in Family Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Mourning a Lost Child in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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Comments
Nov 10, 2008 6:13 PM
Guest :
I lost a son to an accidental shooting in 2002 he was only 28yrs. old I
didnt think Id ever get through it but he had 2 children Thank god then the
unimaginal happened again I lost another child through cancer I took care
of her to the end.She also had a husband and son.She and my youngest son
and grandchildre got me through my sons death now faced again with the
death of my daughter in 2008 I have my youngest son husband and
grandchildren but I feel Im never happy always down I know Ill get through
it but I feel everyday is a day closer to being with them again.I would
never take my own life I still do believe in God but I do question Why? I
quess he wanted 2 beautiful wonderful angels Someday Ill know
Dec 21, 2008 8:30 PM
Guest :
my 28 yr. old son died dec.10-2008 in a car accident it has taken our life
away. I wont to talk about the funny times and my husband doesnt wont to
talk.he had a 3 yr. old and he has alot of questions. does this get better?
please pray.
Dec 29, 2008 9:31 PM
Guest :
I lost my 44 year old daughter this November due to acute respiratory
distress syndrome. It was sudden and I, too, feel as though the sun will
never shine again. She was my best friend and I miss her terribly. She
leaves a husband and 8 year old daughter. I have two sons and they make
life bearable. My husband doesn't talk too much about it and mourns in
silence. Hoping to get through this in one piece but some days it seems
impossible.
Jan 1, 2009 6:30 AM
Guest :
We lost our 24 year old son on Nov. 13, 2008. He was the love of our lives.
He left behind 2 parents and a younger sister, that loved him very much. My
husband and daughter are moving forward but I am not able to do this. I cry
every day, at work, in the car, at home. I don't want to get out of bed in
the morning to face the days challenges and I am unhappy with where I am in
my life. Our family life was "perfect" and now, we have to deal
with this on a daily basis. I do not feel that we are equipped to deal with
this situation. Any suggestions?
Jan 1, 2009 7:02 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss - what a tragedy.
First, give yourself time. You're mourning the death of your child, which is probably the worst thing you'll ever face, and it hasn't even been 2 months yet!
Second, realize that you as a mother cope with death differently than your husband as a father and your daughter as a sister. That is, a mom has a different connection with children...and thus will mourn differently. Let yourself mourn the way YOU need to -- and that may mean crying every day until you have no tears left. That's okay.
Third, learn the difference between healthy mourning and depression. I don't have the answer to that because it really depends on you and your personality, but I suggest you read up on the stages of grief. You don't want to slip into depression - especially since you're not happy with your life - but you do need to express your grief.
Fourth, see a grief counselor or join a grief support group. Getting an outside opinion on your life and mood and options will help you see clearly. And, being with people in the same situation - especially other mothers who have lost their children - will help you feel connected and supported.
I hope this helps a little.
Best wishes,
Laurie
First, give yourself time. You're mourning the death of your child, which is probably the worst thing you'll ever face, and it hasn't even been 2 months yet!
Second, realize that you as a mother cope with death differently than your husband as a father and your daughter as a sister. That is, a mom has a different connection with children...and thus will mourn differently. Let yourself mourn the way YOU need to -- and that may mean crying every day until you have no tears left. That's okay.
Third, learn the difference between healthy mourning and depression. I don't have the answer to that because it really depends on you and your personality, but I suggest you read up on the stages of grief. You don't want to slip into depression - especially since you're not happy with your life - but you do need to express your grief.
Fourth, see a grief counselor or join a grief support group. Getting an outside opinion on your life and mood and options will help you see clearly. And, being with people in the same situation - especially other mothers who have lost their children - will help you feel connected and supported.
I hope this helps a little.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 10, 2009 2:32 PM
Guest :
three years ago my 51 year old brother drowned while white water rafting.I
was devestated .Seven months later his beautiful son who was there when it
happened killed himself. Again I was devestated,I never knew the debth of
pain that I experienced. Two weeks ago on Christmas Eve my beautiful 30
year old son died of an infection.I feel so numb, I feel like someone cut
the cord that attaches my heart to my brain.I would rather feel the pain
then this empty feeling.Any insights that might help?
Jan 10, 2009 6:21 PM
Guest :
i lost my 26 year old daughter and my best friend in a car accident on
Halloween, 2008. My wife and I grieve very differently, I cry(wail) daily,
she probably hasn't cried since the funeral, so I am worried about her. My
wife lost her mother last week and headed to Norway for the funeral. At the
airport she acknowledged that although she was very close to her mother,
she hadn't even thought about the fact that her mother had passed, as we
are so obsessed with the fact that our daughter passed away.
I go for long walks at night in order to sort things out. Our daughter was a daddy's girl so there are so many thoughts of her that come to mind, I read her letters to me and look at pictures of her and I end up crying. Maybe I need to relive all our precious memories as part of the healing process or am I just prolonging the pain? She is all I think about day in day out. If this is like an airplane spiriling downward, when will I be able to "pull out" of this dive?
I go for long walks at night in order to sort things out. Our daughter was a daddy's girl so there are so many thoughts of her that come to mind, I read her letters to me and look at pictures of her and I end up crying. Maybe I need to relive all our precious memories as part of the healing process or am I just prolonging the pain? She is all I think about day in day out. If this is like an airplane spiriling downward, when will I be able to "pull out" of this dive?
Jan 11, 2009 12:06 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your losses -- all those tragedies are so sad. That's one
of the most stressful life events you can face: the death of your child or
spouse. And you've been through the deaths of your brother, nephew, and
child within three short years, which is heartbreaking.
I'd suggest joining a support group -- connecting with other people in similar situations. They'll understand you, and you'll understand them. You'll feel less alone and isolated in your grief if you're around people who have suffered similar tragedies.
If I were you, I'd consider volunteering regularly at a hospital, senior's home, school, prison, animal shelter -- anywhere, really. You'll never heal completely from your losses, but you can distract yourself from the pain. And, you'll help others in the process, which is so good for both them and you.
If you're feeling depressed or worried that you can't cope with your feelings of grief, I'd recommend seeing a grief counselor or psychologist. You can even consider talking to your pastor if you have one, or your rabbi -- someone who is trained in counseling people.
And, stay physically healthy. Life is hard at the best of times, but if you're exhausted, malnourished, or sick, then you won't be able to mourn properly and embark on a new chapter of your life.
Again, I'm so sorry for your losses. You're welcome to come back and share you feelings anytime here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I'd suggest joining a support group -- connecting with other people in similar situations. They'll understand you, and you'll understand them. You'll feel less alone and isolated in your grief if you're around people who have suffered similar tragedies.
If I were you, I'd consider volunteering regularly at a hospital, senior's home, school, prison, animal shelter -- anywhere, really. You'll never heal completely from your losses, but you can distract yourself from the pain. And, you'll help others in the process, which is so good for both them and you.
If you're feeling depressed or worried that you can't cope with your feelings of grief, I'd recommend seeing a grief counselor or psychologist. You can even consider talking to your pastor if you have one, or your rabbi -- someone who is trained in counseling people.
And, stay physically healthy. Life is hard at the best of times, but if you're exhausted, malnourished, or sick, then you won't be able to mourn properly and embark on a new chapter of your life.
Again, I'm so sorry for your losses. You're welcome to come back and share you feelings anytime here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 16, 2009 9:02 PM
Guest :
hello i lost my father 21 yrs ago i lost my mother 15yrs ago i lost my
husband almost 11 yrs ago then sep 21 2006 my 26 year old son layed down to
take a nap and never woke up.That was the worst day of my life i keep it
all in my other children think im so strong but they just dont know how
bad mother really is.I don,t let anyone know how bad im dying on the
inside. Is this the wrong thing to do? But i don,t feel like talking to
anyone and can,t afford to pay if i could talk.I just lay in bed and night
and cry myself asleep.I would like any help that you can give. Please pray
for me. Elizabeth
Jan 17, 2009 6:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Elizabeth, I'm so sorry for your loss -- and it sounds like you're all
alone in your grief. Your kids may think you're strong, but you're shutting
them out if you don't express your feelings of loss and sadness. It's
important to share how you feel, because just saying your feelings helps to
heal them.
Plus, if you shut yourself away from your kids, you're teaching them that the best way to cope with grief is to isolate yourself and not talk about it. And, that's not good for them.
You're mourning the death of your child and other loved ones -- and again, that's one of the most stressful life events you can face.
I'm offering the same suggestions as before, because they work:
Join a support group -- connect with other people in similar situations. They'll understand you, and you'll understand them. You'll feel less alone and isolated in your grief if you're around people who have suffered similar tragedies.
Consider volunteering regularly at a hospital, senior's home, school, prison, animal shelter -- anywhere, really. You'll never heal completely from your losses, but you can distract yourself from the pain. And, you'll help others in the process, which is so good for both them and you.
If you're feeling depressed or worried that you can't cope with your feelings of grief, I'd recommend seeing a grief counselor or psychologist. You can even consider talking to your pastor (who doesn't charge money) if you have one, or your rabbi -- someone who is trained in counseling people.
And, stay physically healthy. Life is hard at the best of times, but if you're exhausted, malnourished, or sick, then you won't be able to mourn properly and embark on a new chapter of your life.
And, Elizabeth, I encourage you to talk about your feelings with your family. It's important to let others in, as hard as that can be.
You're welcome to come back and share you feelings anytime here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Plus, if you shut yourself away from your kids, you're teaching them that the best way to cope with grief is to isolate yourself and not talk about it. And, that's not good for them.
You're mourning the death of your child and other loved ones -- and again, that's one of the most stressful life events you can face.
I'm offering the same suggestions as before, because they work:
Join a support group -- connect with other people in similar situations. They'll understand you, and you'll understand them. You'll feel less alone and isolated in your grief if you're around people who have suffered similar tragedies.
Consider volunteering regularly at a hospital, senior's home, school, prison, animal shelter -- anywhere, really. You'll never heal completely from your losses, but you can distract yourself from the pain. And, you'll help others in the process, which is so good for both them and you.
If you're feeling depressed or worried that you can't cope with your feelings of grief, I'd recommend seeing a grief counselor or psychologist. You can even consider talking to your pastor (who doesn't charge money) if you have one, or your rabbi -- someone who is trained in counseling people.
And, stay physically healthy. Life is hard at the best of times, but if you're exhausted, malnourished, or sick, then you won't be able to mourn properly and embark on a new chapter of your life.
And, Elizabeth, I encourage you to talk about your feelings with your family. It's important to let others in, as hard as that can be.
You're welcome to come back and share you feelings anytime here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 18, 2009 6:37 AM
Guest :
I lost my 21 year old son in 1992 due to election violence. It was my
husband who was their target, but my son became their victim. He died with
a gunshot wound before my very eyes and I've been feeling so guilty ever
since it happened. He was shot during a dance in the school where I was a
headteacher. I felt so guilty because I did gave my permission to go to
that dance and I even went with them. I suffered so much with pain, grief
and guilt with the death of my son.
Last November 29, 2008, I was in UK having a visit when I received a phone call from my eldest daughter that my 33 year old son died of a stab wounds. I cried and cried without tears in my eyes. I trembled and felt I would die that very moment. He was about to sleep in their home with his pregnant wife of 3 months, when somebody threw stones at their house. He went out of the house not knowing that there were evil people waiting for ambush him in the dark. 7 murderers against my son.He suffered two stab wounds in the chest. I have been asking myself what wrong had my son did to them that they have to give him a death sentence? I lately found out it was due to job envy and jealousy. It was not worth taking his life and my son even resigned from that job to keep away from trouble.
Now, I couldnt have peace of mind thinking that my two sons have the same violent deaths. I couldnt accept it, and seems to withdraw from life. I am feeling I am no longer a part of this cruel world. I have 2 sons ang 2 daughters and now my 2 sons had untimely deaths which I couldnt accept at all. Now my younger daughter has a shock of what happened to her brother and very depressed. She asked me why did I give them birth, reared them only to be killed by other people as if it was all my fault it happened to my 2 sons. I thought of commiting suicide to end my sufferings, but my mind also is for my younger daughter who is now somewhat in the verge of insanity due to shock. I couldnt stop crying. Everyday, I have to shed tears due to pains, and my mind is on my 2 sons.
Last November 29, 2008, I was in UK having a visit when I received a phone call from my eldest daughter that my 33 year old son died of a stab wounds. I cried and cried without tears in my eyes. I trembled and felt I would die that very moment. He was about to sleep in their home with his pregnant wife of 3 months, when somebody threw stones at their house. He went out of the house not knowing that there were evil people waiting for ambush him in the dark. 7 murderers against my son.He suffered two stab wounds in the chest. I have been asking myself what wrong had my son did to them that they have to give him a death sentence? I lately found out it was due to job envy and jealousy. It was not worth taking his life and my son even resigned from that job to keep away from trouble.
Now, I couldnt have peace of mind thinking that my two sons have the same violent deaths. I couldnt accept it, and seems to withdraw from life. I am feeling I am no longer a part of this cruel world. I have 2 sons ang 2 daughters and now my 2 sons had untimely deaths which I couldnt accept at all. Now my younger daughter has a shock of what happened to her brother and very depressed. She asked me why did I give them birth, reared them only to be killed by other people as if it was all my fault it happened to my 2 sons. I thought of commiting suicide to end my sufferings, but my mind also is for my younger daughter who is now somewhat in the verge of insanity due to shock. I couldnt stop crying. Everyday, I have to shed tears due to pains, and my mind is on my 2 sons.
Jan 21, 2009 8:12 AM
Guest :
I lost my 32 year old son on February 12, 2004. He was a lineman on a
storm call and there was a small pin hole in his glove. He was
electrocuted and died instantly. He left behind 3 children, 11, 2, and 4
months. Eight weeks later I lost my 32 son-in-law to cancer. My heart has
been so heavy. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church and my faith is
very important to me, but the day after we buried our son in law, i just
felt that my world had ended. I did not want to be here. How could I go
on. I tried to committ suicide, but it wan not meant to be. My family and
co workers avoid talking about my son's death because they think that it
will upset me. But I want to talk about him. There is not a day gone by
that I don't cry. I remember his happy smile, and I have written several
poems about him. The doctor tried to put me on depression medicine but it
made me feel worse. So I deal with it just day by day. I wish I could
make a positive out of this experiece and be able to help someone else.
Writing the poems helps. I have the recording of his voice greeting from
his phone and sometimes listen to that. My heart goes out to all who have
lost a child. It is a pain that no one can describe. Please pray for me
and my family.
Jan 27, 2009 2:17 PM
Guest :
My son died jAN. 18 2009, just 9 days ago. I just received an email from
him the day before, he was so excited about going to a concert. He went to
sleep and never woke up. We don't know why yet. He had no drugs in his
body, he didn't use them. now, 8 weeks to wait. I had to come home, 2 hours
from his home and I feel like running back. to what I'm not sure. He was 20
years old. He has a sister that I want to be with now. she doesn't sound
good on the phone. I love them both so very much. I wake up in the middle
of he night scared. I turn the lights on, the tv too. I don't understand
this. I just can't beieve he is dead.
Jan 28, 2009 2:10 AM
Guest :
I am 24 years old I lost my son in march of 2008. My ex boyfriend hit him
over the head with a blunt object. i was not at home at the time, and the
autopsy showed there was no sighns of abuse, the police guess it was a one
time fit of rage that ended in tradgety. i am having a hard time
functioning in the real world, i have been sent home from work because I
randomly start to cry and can not stop. i dream about it every night. I am
lost and all I want is my little boy back. he was 3 1/2 years old, ans so
sweet. I just want him back.
Feb 9, 2009 11:55 AM
Guest :
I also lost my teenage son. It is devastating. The pain is overwhelming. As
hard as it is to do, I found that I must look forward, not just backward.
There truly is no limit to the sadness if I look only at the loss. This was
very helpful: <url>http:you-wont-cry-forever.com </url>. I
learned that the goal is to live one single day at a time, and focus on the
future. Faith, family and friends are also invaluable. Your heart still
loves your child even though he is somewhere else. You look for him
everywhere. Amazingly, you find that there is more to life than you had
previously known. And you find hope.
Feb 15, 2009 9:46 PM
Guest :
I lost my 17 year old wonderful son on July 3, 2006. It was due to a car
accident. We are not completely sure what happened besides it was on a
county road and he topped a hill and had a near head on collision with a
truck. The other driver made it. My son lasted approx. 30 to 45 minutes
after the collision. I thank God everyday that there was a Christian
Husband and Wife who prayed with my son till he went to meet God. I have
never felt like a strong woman and after this, I feel even weaker. I have
been here for my Husband and daughter because I felt they needed me more
then I needed my grief. It has not been easy and at times it hurts so bad.
We cry together and talk and my daughter says her twin baby girls will
always know about their Uncle that they never met. I am a nurse and I know
the stages of grieving, but what scares me is I don't think I have went
through the 'anger' stage. I pray for the other driver even though he has
never acknowledge my family after the accident. We don't personally know
him, so maybe he feels he doesn't have to, I don't know. I talk to my
friends at times when I get down and several have suggested I get
professional help to help me with my grief. I just can't talk to a
stranger who never knew my son or anything about him. It is easier to type
this. I have told everyone, that if it hadn't been for God & my faith
that I would be in a nut ward right now. I feel like I am rambling on,
sorry. I don't know what I am looking for. I keep asking myself over and
over "why" I am the type of person who wants answers, but I know
in my heart this is one answer I won't get. The feeling of 'I have to get
all the answers' won't go away. I keep working, talking with and loving my
Husband, daughter, son-in-law and my beautiful twin grand-baby girls, but
my heart still hurts so bad! I want to hold my son again and can't. It is
so unfair! I'm sorry, I have rambled on like an idiot. I just feel so lost
sometimes and my arms feel so empty sometimes. Thank you for letting me go
on and on. I just feel lost and need something?
Becky
Becky
Feb 19, 2009 10:17 AM
eljingalz2 :
First of all, I am so deeply sorry for each and every one of your
losses.
It has been 2 years since I lost Michael; he died on Dec 10, 2006. He was 22. He went to sleep and never woke up. (Methadone toxicity) I read all of your comments and I can relate to them all in one way or another. To those whose losses are so recent, my heart goes out to you. The first year for me was almost unbearable; I believe I did loose my mind for a little while. I spent most of the time in a fog. My mind was exhausted and so confused. I wrote poetry and poured out my feelings in a journal. I joined a group on EONS called Parents who have lost a Child. I exchanged feelings with other moms. It did help to have somebody to talk to that was going through the same thing and that all I was experiencing was usual. I don't want to use the word "normal." There is nothing normal about loosing your child.
Those mothers who were further along in their grief journey said that in time, it would get better. I didn't believe it at the time and I NEVER thought I would say this, but it does get better. The periods of total despair become more tolerable and farther apart. Some days are almost like they used to be.
Don't get me wrong, I still go though those dark days in which I feel like I just can't go on anymore, those days are crippling and oh so lonely.
Becky, I read your comment and I know that if it weren’t for my faith, I would be in a nut ward too or possibly dead or on drugs. I have never been a strong person either. When I heard that my son was in E.R. not conscious and his lips were blue. I prayed to God not to let him die because I just knew for sure that there was no way I could possibly survive that. He I am though, God helps us; he gives us power beyond what is normal to endure.
Becky I never knew WHY either. There is a reason. After Michael’s death I began to study the Bible with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The more I studied the clearer things were to me. The Bible has all the answers and as you take in the knowledge, everything starts to fit together like a puzzle.
I don’t know if you are interested, but those studies are free, they will come to your home at your convenience. If you go to www.watchtower.org you can request a study or literature if you wish. Everything they teach comes from the Bible and they will show you where it is.
May God give al of you peace and may he hold your hands through this terrible time.
“And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” Rev 21:4
It has been 2 years since I lost Michael; he died on Dec 10, 2006. He was 22. He went to sleep and never woke up. (Methadone toxicity) I read all of your comments and I can relate to them all in one way or another. To those whose losses are so recent, my heart goes out to you. The first year for me was almost unbearable; I believe I did loose my mind for a little while. I spent most of the time in a fog. My mind was exhausted and so confused. I wrote poetry and poured out my feelings in a journal. I joined a group on EONS called Parents who have lost a Child. I exchanged feelings with other moms. It did help to have somebody to talk to that was going through the same thing and that all I was experiencing was usual. I don't want to use the word "normal." There is nothing normal about loosing your child.
Those mothers who were further along in their grief journey said that in time, it would get better. I didn't believe it at the time and I NEVER thought I would say this, but it does get better. The periods of total despair become more tolerable and farther apart. Some days are almost like they used to be.
Don't get me wrong, I still go though those dark days in which I feel like I just can't go on anymore, those days are crippling and oh so lonely.
Becky, I read your comment and I know that if it weren’t for my faith, I would be in a nut ward too or possibly dead or on drugs. I have never been a strong person either. When I heard that my son was in E.R. not conscious and his lips were blue. I prayed to God not to let him die because I just knew for sure that there was no way I could possibly survive that. He I am though, God helps us; he gives us power beyond what is normal to endure.
Becky I never knew WHY either. There is a reason. After Michael’s death I began to study the Bible with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The more I studied the clearer things were to me. The Bible has all the answers and as you take in the knowledge, everything starts to fit together like a puzzle.
I don’t know if you are interested, but those studies are free, they will come to your home at your convenience. If you go to www.watchtower.org you can request a study or literature if you wish. Everything they teach comes from the Bible and they will show you where it is.
May God give al of you peace and may he hold your hands through this terrible time.
“And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” Rev 21:4
Mar 22, 2009 9:30 PM
Guest :
I lost my oldest son age 21 on Valentine's Day 2009 in a car accident.
This has ripped my heart out of my chest and has devastated me beyond
words. I feel like I'm just living day to day trying to cope with the loss
only to get up and relive what seems like the same day over. I have a
situation that I really don't know how to deal with. Is it wrong of me to
ask others to please ask me before they do anything at my son's grave site?
As in leaving something major, I'm not talking about flowers. Or to ask me
if its okay to plan on doing something major at the cemetary? The reason I
am seeking answers is because my step-daughter that has nothing to do with
us planned for a group to go to the cemetary and have what she called a
birthday party for my son whose birthday is March 24th. She planned this
without my knowledge and I found out about it accidentally. I did contact
her and ask her about her plans and expressed my feelings as nicely as I
could. Asking her to please come to me and her dad before she planned
something like that to make sure it was okay with us..out of respect.
Personally I had a problem with what she was doing and didn't want her to
do this. Was it wrong for me to tell her I didn't want her to this? After
I expressed my feelings and my wishes my mother n law said that my step
daughter was taking it as hard as I was. I was very offended and hurt at
the treatment I was given from them both. I know others in the family are
in pain and hurting from the loss of my son, but I feel as a mother that no
one else can share my pain or the depth of my pain. All I wanted was some
compassion and respect. Was I wrong for stating my feelings and wishes?
Mar 23, 2009 7:44 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest sympathies.
You're absolutely not wrong for expressing your feelings and wishes, which are understandable. You're mourning your son, and there is no comparable pain. Of course you want to know what's happening at his gravesite. I would, too.
But, that said, other people need to be able grieve in their own way. It's such a painful, difficult situation...but I don't think you can reasonably expect to say what happens at his gravesite in the cemetary. That expectation adds extra pain and grief to the burden you're already carrying. Plus, it's not possible to control what others do when you're not there.
I think you did the right thing in expressing your feelings and wishes. But after that, I think you have to let it go.
Again, I'm terribly sorry -- I can't imagine the pain of losing a 21 year old son. I also suggest you find a grief support group when you're ready.......sometimes the best way to deal with pain is to find other people in similar situations. Other moms who are mourning the death of a lost child.
In sympathy,
Laurie
You're absolutely not wrong for expressing your feelings and wishes, which are understandable. You're mourning your son, and there is no comparable pain. Of course you want to know what's happening at his gravesite. I would, too.
But, that said, other people need to be able grieve in their own way. It's such a painful, difficult situation...but I don't think you can reasonably expect to say what happens at his gravesite in the cemetary. That expectation adds extra pain and grief to the burden you're already carrying. Plus, it's not possible to control what others do when you're not there.
I think you did the right thing in expressing your feelings and wishes. But after that, I think you have to let it go.
Again, I'm terribly sorry -- I can't imagine the pain of losing a 21 year old son. I also suggest you find a grief support group when you're ready.......sometimes the best way to deal with pain is to find other people in similar situations. Other moms who are mourning the death of a lost child.
In sympathy,
Laurie
Mar 29, 2009 1:22 AM
Guest :
My wife and myself deeply and terribily suffered from death of our son 16
years old on 22 March 2009. He suffered from bike accident on 26 Feb 2009
at 18:00. We no longer enjoy anything. We cry constantly. We believe he was
given by God to us and then taken back to heaven. We stay humple to God's
willing and pray to him to protect our other kids. We always follow safety
rules to our kids but we could not find any guarantee to our kids
protection except God protection.
Our experience is horribole and wish every child in the world to be saved for his parents. When we meet other parents have same experience then we cry with them very deeply.
Our experience is horribole and wish every child in the world to be saved for his parents. When we meet other parents have same experience then we cry with them very deeply.
Mar 30, 2009 12:35 PM
Guest :
i was looking for books about mothers who lose a child and came across this
website. I lost my son Michael on Feb. 9, 2009. He had a disease called
Friedreichs ataxia. We always knew we might lose him at an early age, but
were not prepared for it when it happened. He was almost w/c bound, but
still walked some. He had a fall outside which shattered his right kidney
and had to have it removed. His heart couldn't handle all the stress of
surgery and he died two days later. He was only 19. I thought this was
the worst thing that would happen in my life. Then two weeks later my 13
month old grandson died from a stomach virus. He was born with a malformed
heart and had already had open heart surgery twice, but was doing great.
He was going for his third surgery in April and his doctor said he felt he
would do great. Then he died of something so common. I feel like the pain
is worse now then when it happened. I have the pain of losing my son, my
grandson and watching my daughter go through the pain of losing her only
child. I hope it gets a little easier someday.
Mar 31, 2009 7:16 PM
Guest :
Where do I start I lost my daughter Uniquea AJA-Rae on February 14, 2009 in
a tragic car accident with her father. I never felt so much emptiness in
my life. I never knew that i would feel so alone and lost. I do not know
where to start and there seems to be no end to my grief. I feel like I'm in
a black hole. I took a leave of absence from my job because I need time for
myself to try and deal with this tragedy. I miss my precious daughter so
much. She was going to be 21 years old on April 21, 2009. the number 421
is mixed up with my daughter her birth and her death this number keeps
coming back.
Apr 1, 2009 10:50 PM
Guest :
I lost my 7 year old daughter 5 years ago when something was ejected from a
lawn mower. It struck her in the head and caused her death. It's been 5
year ago and still feels like yesterday. I've heard lots of people say
that it gets easier but I think that I would have to disagree. She is
still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my
mind when I go to bed. I have 3 other daughters that keep me going, but my
days are still lonely. I held my baby as she died and I still blame myself
and ask myself what if? When my baby died my heart and soul went with her.
I still say prayers with her every night when I go to bed. I still catch
myself talking to her or getting too many plates out at dinner. I still
cry myself to sleep, so when does it get better.
Apr 2, 2009 6:28 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Sometimes grief - especially something as significant as mourning a lost
child - doesn't get better on its own. Sometimes we need help dealing with
our feelings of loss.
If your feelings of grief haven't lessened after five years, then you might consider joining a grief support group or going for individual counseling. You need to learn an effective way to let go of your lost child -- for your sake, your family's sake -- and your living children's sake.
She'll always be with you, and so will the pain of losing her, but with time the pain should recede. If not, I encourage you to try different ways of coping with your grief.
In sympathy,
Laurie
If your feelings of grief haven't lessened after five years, then you might consider joining a grief support group or going for individual counseling. You need to learn an effective way to let go of your lost child -- for your sake, your family's sake -- and your living children's sake.
She'll always be with you, and so will the pain of losing her, but with time the pain should recede. If not, I encourage you to try different ways of coping with your grief.
In sympathy,
Laurie
Apr 2, 2009 8:52 PM
Guest :
On March 5, 2009 I lost my 14 year old daughter to suicide. I cannot
explain the pain and emptiness that I feel. Her younger brothers are
trying to be supportive for me - when I should be there for them. I have
no answers as to why this happen. How did I miss the signs? Why didn't I
pay more attention? What did I do wrong?
Everyone tells me I should be strong for the boys, but how - I do not want to face each day.
Everyone tells me I should be strong for the boys, but how - I do not want to face each day.
Apr 2, 2009 11:31 PM
Guest :
i lost my 17 year old son to cancer in 2000, my life will never be the
same, 9 years now and i still feel shocked and bewildered by it all
May 20, 2009 2:22 PM
Guest :
I lost my 2 year old daughther my first child after the doctor telling me
she will be ok she only has a rash ,i belived him ,and me and my husband
put her to bed for a napp i found her dead 2 hours later,since then its
almost been a year.,my son her brother nr 2 whom was only 9 months and 3
weeks apart from her stopped eating became very sad and depressiveplaying
whit his shadow, i've been trying everything talking kindergarden (so he's
not alone ,had to quite he starved himself slowly) hospital to keep him
alive over xmas photos of her explainnig softly.. but sometimes he's ok and
sometimes he falls back in to his trauma..ofcourse i had to deal very
quickly with my greif like having your heart cut out with no painkillers :/
and then standing up and asking at what time im suppsosed to make his next
bottle,bascially he helped me to stay alive and me him not to give up ,they
where brought up like twins ...now a huge part of are family is missing but
we are trying,i threw away a lot of things straight away and kept a few for
me in a boxs,so we could continue but know with only one,i needed clear
signs one baby one room ..turned the other one in to a basement then back
in to playroom ..i could talk for ever...they could not find anything in
the autopsie except little germs and a pancreas destroid but nothing made
sence so they wrote cote bed on the rapport i have a theori what killed her
the pool the germs in the pool but just hearing me and my husband who wants
to turn the page and me aswell but..at the sametime how can i if i one day
am going to try to have a baby and its a girl im so scared she's not gonna
make it you understand...my son was strong never sick then his sister
died..so a little bit ill,but she was always always sick..thank you for
listening traumatising this long period of grievf.Constance and son hanging
on.
May 20, 2009 3:52 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Constance - and everyone who is mourning the death of their son or daughter
- I want you to know that my thoughts and best wishes are with you!
I can't imagine how painful it would be to grieve a child's death. But, a wise woman told me just yesterday that we need to express our stories in order to heal....so I encourage you all to keep sharing your feelings and stories.
In sympathy and hope for a brighter future,
Laurie
I can't imagine how painful it would be to grieve a child's death. But, a wise woman told me just yesterday that we need to express our stories in order to heal....so I encourage you all to keep sharing your feelings and stories.
In sympathy and hope for a brighter future,
Laurie
Jun 5, 2009 7:55 PM
Guest :
We lost our beloved son November 9, 2009. I am so very sad.
Jun 20, 2009 8:55 PM
Guest :
August 17 2008 My youngest son was killed in a motorcycle wreck. He had
just turned 26. I love my sons and daughter more than life. I am a dad that
is very proud of my children. My heart is broken more than I can bare.And
it will not heal. Some days it is just hard to breath. What do I do ? How
can I go on ? I feel beaten down. Is this the sins of my past come to haunt
me ? Its fathers day. I should have been a better dad.
Jun 21, 2009 7:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I don't think it was the sins of your past that caused you to lose your
son. It was a terrible accident -- and I'm so sorry that he died. Losing
your child must be the worst thing a parent can experience.
You did the best you could as a father when he was alive. Hindsight is 20/20, and most of us would do things differently if we knew then what we know now. But, we can't go back.
All you can do now is be the best father you can to your living children, and grandchildren. You'll always feel grief at the loss of your son, and some times will be worse than others. But, you have to move on for the sake of your living kids, partner, and your own mental and physical health.
Have you thought about a grief recovery support group? Sometimes meeting in person with parents who have lost their children helps. They know exactly what you're going through, and feel many of the same feelings you do -- including the guilt, regret, and broken heart.
I wish you all the best, and again offer my condolences.
Laurie
You did the best you could as a father when he was alive. Hindsight is 20/20, and most of us would do things differently if we knew then what we know now. But, we can't go back.
All you can do now is be the best father you can to your living children, and grandchildren. You'll always feel grief at the loss of your son, and some times will be worse than others. But, you have to move on for the sake of your living kids, partner, and your own mental and physical health.
Have you thought about a grief recovery support group? Sometimes meeting in person with parents who have lost their children helps. They know exactly what you're going through, and feel many of the same feelings you do -- including the guilt, regret, and broken heart.
I wish you all the best, and again offer my condolences.
Laurie
Jun 23, 2009 5:51 PM
Guest :
Hello everyone. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I lost my precious
only son to violence on May 26, less than a month ago. He was 25. I found
this site about a week ago but didn't have the strength to post. Reading
your stories gave me some courage. As you all have said, the pain is
unbearable sometimes, often. I too feel guilty and constantly think about
what I could have done to prevent this. He lived in a different state and
was only visiting for the weekend and decided to go out with some friends
he knew before moving. I feel so empty and helpless. I miss him so very
much. I pray for all of us.
Jul 2, 2009 10:46 PM
Guest :
My 16 year old son Michael shot himself {so they say} on 2-22-07, I relate
how life has no meaning and there are no more plans, I feel like I am only
exsisting because i have to ,I find talking about him helps me heal and
when I don't talk about him it makes things worse.From the day before it
happened, to the day it did happened, to this day I feel like three
different people in three different lives,all i know is that I miss my son
and want him back and I need help!
Jul 3, 2009 7:22 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry you lost your son -- mourning your child's death probably never
ends! I wish I could help, but I never know what to say to parents who have
lost their children. Nothing seems right or good enough, especially online.
At least when you're in person, you can listen :-)
What sort of help do you need? A friend to listen and reminisce with, a counselor to help you sort through your feelings of grief and pain, a support group of other grieving parents to connect with, or a whole change of scenery?
Once you narrow it down to what you specifically need, you might find it easier to get help.
Please feel free to share about your son here! Expressing your thoughts and pain in writing is a great way to heal and get clarity. And, it helps other mourning parents to know they're not alone.
Best wishes,
Laurie
What sort of help do you need? A friend to listen and reminisce with, a counselor to help you sort through your feelings of grief and pain, a support group of other grieving parents to connect with, or a whole change of scenery?
Once you narrow it down to what you specifically need, you might find it easier to get help.
Please feel free to share about your son here! Expressing your thoughts and pain in writing is a great way to heal and get clarity. And, it helps other mourning parents to know they're not alone.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jul 20, 2009 8:55 AM
Guest :
i lost my son michael on may24th 09, the day before his 34th b-day. he was
hiking in devils hole in nf ny and went off the trail, he would go down
there to read his bible. he was a youth pastor, i know he is in heaven and
i will see him again soon. that is the only thing that keeps me from going
insane, i would trade my life for his anyday. he touched so many peoples
lives before and after his passing. i know he is in a better place, can't
wait to go there.
Jul 23, 2009 6:35 AM
Guest :
I lost my son Jamie on June 3/09. He just dropped dead in his living room
and my whole world has fallen apart. I find it hard to get up in the
morning and function at work. He was my whole world and a beautiful young
man. I only hope in time I can accept his death not to ever forget but
only have good memories ....I love him so so much.
Jul 31, 2009 1:01 AM
Guest :
I lost my 16 years old son Ibrahim on a bike accident. They declared him as
brain dead on 28 Feb 09 and i refused to take out the breathing devices
till they announced him completely dead 22 march 09. I feel so terrible and
empty. Sometimes I feel I can not breath. I don't enjoy food, work, life
nor anything. My wife could stand up again and look foreward which but I
could not. I pass through moments of sudden weep during the day even in
public. I still look to the door of his room expecting his just to pop up
one more time. I see his face in other young boys and keep staring at them
thinking they are my son. I keep looking at boys expecting to see him
again. I keep calling his mobile number and sending emails to him asking
for an answer.
I am so sick.
I am so sick.
Jul 31, 2009 6:58 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss. Mourning a lost child never ends -- but it
should fade as time goes by.
Have you been to a grief support group, or talked to a grief counselor? If your pain is just as fresh now as it was the day you found out your son died, then maybe you need help coping with it.
I wish you all the best, and hope your pain lessens. Your son would not want you to live with grief and shadows for the rest of your life. Find a way to memorialize him with joy, peace, and happiness.
Laurie
Have you been to a grief support group, or talked to a grief counselor? If your pain is just as fresh now as it was the day you found out your son died, then maybe you need help coping with it.
I wish you all the best, and hope your pain lessens. Your son would not want you to live with grief and shadows for the rest of your life. Find a way to memorialize him with joy, peace, and happiness.
Laurie
Aug 4, 2009 7:15 AM
Guest :
I Had my beautiful daughter Sherri-May robbed from my life. Sherri was
killed in a car accident while a off duty Halton police officer figured he
could beat the red light.That mistake cost my daughter her life. He
smashed
into the passenger side of the car, killing her instantly. I live for my daughter and find it so hard now to continue. Sherri lived with me and was a angle for helping me and always asked for direction and goals she had setup for her core carrer moves. Sherri had just days before found a collage that would alow her to complete her dream of becoming a paremedic.
She loved to help people. Sherri was only 25 years old and deserved to start her life. The driver that killed her said I didnt see them I anm late to pick up my wife. Well with a job as a cop I feel he should have been watching others for this type of behaveror not indorsing it.
Its been one year now and I still have many many hard days around me. I have nightmares that Sherri and I are falling but its so dark I cant see where she is, I sometimes wake up walling around trying to get a hold of her. Also bad dreams of hearing her crying in a fetal position telling me she wants to come home. Its all so hard. I have been seeing my Doctor on a regular basis as well as a counsler and makeing group therapy session
Is it helping, I realy need it to work as Im feeling that I to are at the end, Thanks all for listening.
into the passenger side of the car, killing her instantly. I live for my daughter and find it so hard now to continue. Sherri lived with me and was a angle for helping me and always asked for direction and goals she had setup for her core carrer moves. Sherri had just days before found a collage that would alow her to complete her dream of becoming a paremedic.
She loved to help people. Sherri was only 25 years old and deserved to start her life. The driver that killed her said I didnt see them I anm late to pick up my wife. Well with a job as a cop I feel he should have been watching others for this type of behaveror not indorsing it.
Its been one year now and I still have many many hard days around me. I have nightmares that Sherri and I are falling but its so dark I cant see where she is, I sometimes wake up walling around trying to get a hold of her. Also bad dreams of hearing her crying in a fetal position telling me she wants to come home. Its all so hard. I have been seeing my Doctor on a regular basis as well as a counsler and makeing group therapy session
Is it helping, I realy need it to work as Im feeling that I to are at the end, Thanks all for listening.
Aug 10, 2009 11:47 AM
Guest :
Guest,
I lost my only child, 22 years young July 29th 2009 of natural causes. They removed his brain and heart for autopsy. I beleive his whole body should be buried together. Unfortunately I buried him August 3rd 2009, because of friends from out of Canada need to make arrangment to be at the service. I have to wait 6 to 8 months for the rest of his body. I buried his father October 4th 2001. How do you move on.
Deborah
I lost my only child, 22 years young July 29th 2009 of natural causes. They removed his brain and heart for autopsy. I beleive his whole body should be buried together. Unfortunately I buried him August 3rd 2009, because of friends from out of Canada need to make arrangment to be at the service. I have to wait 6 to 8 months for the rest of his body. I buried his father October 4th 2001. How do you move on.
Deborah
Aug 10, 2009 6:43 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss, Deborah -- everyone who has shared their
stories here -- and I'm glad you can express your feelings of grief and
loss here.
Though I can't take away the pain, I did write a few suggestions in a post on my Psychology blog. I can't include links to articles or websites about grief here in the comments sections, and I found some links that will help with grieving the death of your child.
To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?" You can also find it in the August 10, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there, and you have my deepest sympathies.
Laurie
Though I can't take away the pain, I did write a few suggestions in a post on my Psychology blog. I can't include links to articles or websites about grief here in the comments sections, and I found some links that will help with grieving the death of your child.
To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?" You can also find it in the August 10, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there, and you have my deepest sympathies.
Laurie
Aug 19, 2009 9:35 PM
Guest :
I lost my 17 year old son in a car accident in 1999. It will be 10 years
the 22 of this Aug. I know that it has been a while but I still cry and
miss him so much . Does it ever get to where it dosent hurt as much
Aug 20, 2009 5:37 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think the pain of losing a child ever
goes away completely -- though it should lessen a little with time. That
is, the sharp stabbing grief should ease up, especially after this long.
Have you ever joined a grief support group for parents whose children have died? You might find comfort there, and the grief counselor might have more helpful information on moving past the worst of your grief.
I also suggest seeing a counselor or therapist, and exploring the reasons you're having so much trouble dealing with your loss. Grieving and mourning loss is normal...but if you're still feeling the same amount of pain as when you first lost your son, you may want to think about getting professional help. There might be something there, some obstacle that isn't allowing you to heal and move forward in life.
I wish you all the best, and encourage you to reach out and get help -- in person, not just online.
Best wishes -- and all my sympathies,
Laurie
Have you ever joined a grief support group for parents whose children have died? You might find comfort there, and the grief counselor might have more helpful information on moving past the worst of your grief.
I also suggest seeing a counselor or therapist, and exploring the reasons you're having so much trouble dealing with your loss. Grieving and mourning loss is normal...but if you're still feeling the same amount of pain as when you first lost your son, you may want to think about getting professional help. There might be something there, some obstacle that isn't allowing you to heal and move forward in life.
I wish you all the best, and encourage you to reach out and get help -- in person, not just online.
Best wishes -- and all my sympathies,
Laurie
Aug 20, 2009 5:54 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I also want to say that I wrote a few suggestions in a longer post on my
Psychology blog. I can't include links to articles or websites about grief
here in the comments sections, and I found some links that will help with
grieving the death of your child.
To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?" You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.
Laurie
To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?" You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.
Laurie
Aug 22, 2009 2:51 AM
Guest :
i have just lost one of my twin boys 13years old aug 2009 all his life hes
had open heart surgery but this time he came out of the heart operation but
had a massive stroke why he was intentive care i can not explain the hurt
and pain im feeling in side me at this moment in time i am missing him so
much love you my ben r.i.p my hero xxxx
Aug 24, 2009 2:11 PM
Guest :
When my daughter was born, I thought the whole experience of having this
unique tiny person was so amazing. A precious gift that I had been honored
to raise. I cheered her first words, her first steps, when she first rolled
over, when she danced in the Christmas play, when she graduated from high
school and when she got her first job and apartment. I lost my daughter 10
years ago when she was 27 years old. I keep photographs of her on the walls
with other family members. I have the locks of hair from her first haircut,
the box of baby teeth she left for the "Tooth Fairy" and the
retainer she wore after braces in junior high. I cannot throw away her
prom dresses, yearbooks, or anything that remains of her. I boxed all of
these things up and they are all stored away now. After repeatedly taking
her golden locks of hair and smelling them for her scent with no
satisfaction. I knew I must do that. I miss her so incredibly that even
this short search on the internet about grieving has evoked such tremendous
pain and sorrow within me. I sit here sobbing. I have been through grief
counseling, have counseled others, the pain does not diminish just as the
loss is not forgotten. I feel like a shell of my former self. Life is not
fair. I so longed to see her happily married and to have precious
grandchildren to love. God says he will not give us more than we can bear,
but I don't believe that. I cannot bear this loss and I am angry with God
for allowing her to die.
Aug 24, 2009 4:25 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say, but I
can't imagine what would make you feel better.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, everyone.
Laurie
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, everyone.
Laurie
Aug 27, 2009 10:24 AM
kaylee jones :
This is for the parent who lost their daughter 10 years ago. It broke my
heart to read your post as it did to read all the others. I am so sorry for
your losses. There is a site
www.eons.com/groups/groups/parents-who-have-lost-a-child My member name is
jingalz. I would love to talk with you or just cry w/ you, please get in
touch.
Sep 4, 2009 9:57 PM
Guest :
I lost my son on july 4th 2009 to a fatal car accident that he was a
passenger in, going with a friend to get his son fireworks well he never
made it back to enjoy the 4th with his son. Young kids joy riding t-bone
the car my son was riding in and killed him instantley. The two ran from
the scene and took about a week before one of them came forward and
admitted to being in the accident. Enough time for the driver to flee the
state. I just dont understand why take my son at 29 that was so happy being
a single dad. The hurt and pain will not go away, He was my only Son and I
loved him so much that life is so hard to carry on..
Sep 11, 2009 7:38 PM
Guest :
On July 1, 2008 my youngest son died suddenly at 26. He had been ill, but
we did not know he would die of his complications. It was a peaceful death
(he just slept away), and that has given me a sense of peace. For the
first year I was numb and could not believe that he had really died. At
Christmas I started taking meds for depression - I had a short fuse and got
upset easily and quickly and the meds really helped. Both my other
children (28 and 30) are on meds too. We have just passed the first
anniversary - and I am getting more depressed - I just don't do anything
that I don't have to. I like staying home and sleeping. My partner tries
to get me to talk about my feelings, but I'm not doing a lot of that. My
work is not well done; the people that I work with are releived that I
don't talk about stuff - but I have to force myself to go to work, and then
do something when I'm there.
There are no grief groups in my area (lack of funding). Tonight I am starting to see what's on the internet. Thanks for all the sharing and thanks for listening.
There are no grief groups in my area (lack of funding). Tonight I am starting to see what's on the internet. Thanks for all the sharing and thanks for listening.
Sep 15, 2009 4:19 AM
Guest :
It's my son's birthday today he would have been 5. He died at age 3. There
are not many happy memories as most of his life was docters and treatments,
and hardships for my wife,myself and our young daughter. I needed more
time.
Sep 26, 2009 4:03 PM
Guest :
We lost our beautiful little girl 13 yrs ago.I feel that everyday is
different somedays are realy bad and other days i can cope with,i do feel
that you really have to be in the worst position to have lost a child to
understand how painful it is,and your life sadly changes forever,nothing
can and will never stop me from mourning the loss of our child to my dying
day, from a very sad family.to all the other parents who have lost a child
my thoughts go out to you.
Sep 29, 2009 7:56 AM
Guest :
I lost a beautiful, innocent 6 year old girl on Sept 11th after being in
the hospital for over a month. My daughter was a previously healthy girl.
She got sick with a fever and flu symptom in a family vaction in August at
Disneyland. A Urgent Care doctor prescribed her Tamaflu and thought she
had swine flu. When we got home four days later she still was not feeling
better with high fevers. The next day she had a seizure and ended up in
the hospital. She never had the Swine Flu but was thought to have a viral
infection that the doctors could never find. They diagnosised her with
viral encephalitis that caused status intractable seizures. After two
induced comas and seven antiseizure medicines, steriods and IVIG, doctors
could not control her seizures. Instead of letting our precious girl die
in the hospital we took her home. She died in our arms outside four hours
after her breathing respirator tube was taken out. People say we gave her
a beautiful, peaceful death, but all I think is that death isn't beautiful.
She died in my arms and I couldn't save her. She suffered for a month in
the hospital. This little girl was my soul mate. She made everything
difficult in my life good. She was my greatest love. She has a 4 year old
brother, who was her best friend. I am so saddened that he no longer has
his sister and someone to grow up with. The last few nights I've been
dreaming about having another child so that maybe my little girls spirit
will be reborn and my son can have a sibling to grow up with. Is that
inappropriate thinking? The pain is so deep that sometimes I can't
breathe. Losing my little girl who was so healthy and loving and kind to a
sickness that the doctors could never find a cause or a cure is so unjust.
Sep 29, 2009 5:00 PM
Guest :
I can't stop crying while reading what is posted...My goodness so much pain
and so much suffering...I too lost my son on April 18,2008 due to DDA. He
was just 18 full of hopes and dreams of becoming a doctor. He was coming
home from a night shift with an ambulance. To tell you the truth, I still
don't know how come I am still here. I can't understand why is my heart did
not stop yet.
I think that only thing that keeps me going that luckily I can talk to him and I can hear him. He is now my teacher. It is still very, very , very hard... I am still crying none stop and can't really work. I was not able to work for a year and lost all savings as well. However, speaking with my son everyday helps. He guides me and supports me.
Now, I am learning to trust that "nothing is lost - only transformed" and that I was left to finish something that my son could not. And that , together, he is from above and I am from below...we still can do something meaningful for others. I also now know that once Mother - always is Mother and our job is never done regardless where our children are and that they are always need us.
I think that only thing that keeps me going that luckily I can talk to him and I can hear him. He is now my teacher. It is still very, very , very hard... I am still crying none stop and can't really work. I was not able to work for a year and lost all savings as well. However, speaking with my son everyday helps. He guides me and supports me.
Now, I am learning to trust that "nothing is lost - only transformed" and that I was left to finish something that my son could not. And that , together, he is from above and I am from below...we still can do something meaningful for others. I also now know that once Mother - always is Mother and our job is never done regardless where our children are and that they are always need us.
Sep 30, 2009 4:29 PM
Guest :
I lost my only child, a 29 yr old son, to a sudden illness about 3 months
ago. I was widowed when he was small and raised him alone, so - though his
aunts and uncles and grandparents loved him - I feel very alone in my
grief, in the level of my grief. I hurt so badly, and I don't know how I
can live the rest of my life in this much pain . . . but neither do I know
how it will ever, really get better. He was the love of my life - my son,
my friend, my everything. I miss him so much.
Oct 2, 2009 8:22 AM
Guest :
Hi.....first off let me start by saying im so sorry for everyone's lost and
believe me i truly understand what all of u are going thru..... Im 17 yrs.
old i had my son when i was 14......he was a premie 3months premature and
had to stay n the hospital for 5 months......he had to get a tracheostomy
tube......my son passed away April 11, 2008. everyday is
unbearable.........he died in my arms.....the doctors said he was gettin
better the day b 4 and the next day my son died......the pain is killin me
i hate to c n e one with their children becuz it eats me alive........i
cant do this n e more life is to hard without and just knowing that i will
never c his face again destroys me.....so u tell me when does it get easier
it has been a whole yr. and sum months without my baby.....lukin at his
pics. kills me c n his clothes everything......im not happy havent been for
quite sum time without him my life is over so y not take my life my angel
is gne so might as well b gne as well......idk wat i am goin to do my mom
trys to keep me strong my family trys to b there for me but it doesnt
work.....in order for me to b happy i need my son here with me without im
nth i have no life he was my life ,so once again when does it get
easier......i think its my time so b 4 i decide can sum one please help
me........so i ask everyday y him and not me but i never get an answer i
think time i answeredthis question myself and even the score......please
help me i have no life without him....R.I.P Nathan Orlando Moore Jr. Gods
Given Angel mommy luvs and misses chicken butt see u on the other side save
mommy a spot luv and miss u, your gne but most definitely not forgotten
Oct 3, 2009 9:22 PM
Guest :
I lost many people in my life. Started young lost baby brother stillborn
but the effect it had on our family was tremendous. 7 years ago lost my
oldest brother buried a best friend. My mom died when I was 30 2 uncles 2
aunts. My cousin was murdered the same day she was murdered they found my
sister in laws sisters body. My biggest fear as young child on was to lose
a child. I had 4 miscarraiges those were hard. But nothing prepared me for
17 OCT 08 when I got call my son was in accident at fort lewis army base
long story short he was directing trafic another soldier did not see him
and hit him he died later that day from injuries. Leaving behind a wife a
half brother on his dads side 2 sisters. It is the hardest thing in the
world to go thru but I know I have to because I have to make sure his
memory and legacy live on.
Oct 7, 2009 10:58 AM
Guest :
I lost my 17 year old son in 2004 as a result of a car accident. We will
never know what really happened as there were no witnesses other than the
driver of the 18 wheeler my son was passing. It really doesn't matter
about the details, it would not bring him back. I have been on a roller
coaster ride since that day. I lost my job of 8 years, was unemployed for
4 months, found another job and lost it after 6 months. I also went
through a horrible divorce just weeks after my sons accident, my exhusband
(not my son's father) was having an affair and later became abusive to
protect the identity of the woman. I had to move from my home and live
with my mother for a year, after the divorce I bought a home which I have
struggled financially to keep on a single income. I feel I have moved
forward a great deal but I still feel numb somedays, not really knowing
what my purpose is anymore. I live alone now, my daughter is 36 and has
her own family in another city. I participate in Church activities,
volunteer work and try to stay busy but I feel so alone. I miss my son so
much and wonder if I will ever really laugh again without crying inside. I
feel like I just go through motions everyday with no hope of a real life
again.
Oct 9, 2009 3:59 AM
Guest :
I lost my 13 year old son on June 29 2009. He was in a 4 wheeler accident
he was accidently hit by a milk truck. The truck was coming around a curve
and my son had moved to his side of the road to keep a car from hitting him
that came speeding down the road from out of nowhere.There was nothing the
doctors could do to save him.He had massive internal injuries,all bones on
left side of his face were broke,and his spinal cord was seperated from his
neck.He looked both ways before pulling out but it,s a curvey road and
people fly down it cause it's in the county not watched by sheriff
department unless they are called or its the weekend cause their are 2 bars
on that road.
Oct 13, 2009 10:07 PM
Guest :
i had a son and a girlfriend killed by a drunk driver on july 1st 2006 i am
now just going threw the grieving process because 4 the last couple of yrs
i have been hiding my feelings with drugs and alcohol so if some1 can help
me out that would be great because i am all alone and hurting thank you
joe from st.louis mo
joe from st.louis mo
Oct 14, 2009 9:10 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi Joe,
I’m sorry you’re alone and hurting, and that you lost your son and his girlfriend. But, I’m glad you recognize that you were hiding your feelings and you need support!
Reaching out for help is one of the best things you can do when you’re mourning the loss of someone you love. I suggest you talk to a bereavement counselor or join a support group for parents who have lost their children. You need to properly mourn your loss, and you might benefit from in-person support.
“How do I cope with grief over the loss of my child?” is a very common question for a parent who is mourning. I don’t have all the answers, but I did write a post on my Psychology blog that listed four things that might help with the grieving process.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?” – you’ll also find it in the Aug, 2009 section on the side panel.
You might also find “Resources for Emotional Healing” helpful – it’s in the Sept, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope this helps, and I encourage you to join a grief support group or talk to a bereavement counselor as soon as possible.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I’m sorry you’re alone and hurting, and that you lost your son and his girlfriend. But, I’m glad you recognize that you were hiding your feelings and you need support!
Reaching out for help is one of the best things you can do when you’re mourning the loss of someone you love. I suggest you talk to a bereavement counselor or join a support group for parents who have lost their children. You need to properly mourn your loss, and you might benefit from in-person support.
“How do I cope with grief over the loss of my child?” is a very common question for a parent who is mourning. I don’t have all the answers, but I did write a post on my Psychology blog that listed four things that might help with the grieving process.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Cope With Grief Over the Death of My Son or Daughter?” – you’ll also find it in the Aug, 2009 section on the side panel.
You might also find “Resources for Emotional Healing” helpful – it’s in the Sept, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope this helps, and I encourage you to join a grief support group or talk to a bereavement counselor as soon as possible.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Oct 18, 2009 1:37 PM
Guest :
Well, I'm adding my story to the long list of sad stories here.
My 21 year old daughter was killed in a car accident on April 7, 2009. She was a student in Florida, and I live in Pennsylvania.
She led a difficult life, and why that was the case, I just don't know. She was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 4. She survived that which makes her early death for another reason harder if that's possible. She struggled to find her place in the world, but lived life to the fullest. She took risks. She pushed the envelope. She didn't always make the best choices. But she loved with all her heart even those who didn't deserve it. She wanted to be famous and almost got there. She was killed returnng from an interview that would put her on a reality TV show.
Why it happened we don't exactly know. The road was stright. It was night but no rain. She hadn't been using alcohol . She just drove off the road, her car rolled,she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, she was ejected, she died at the scente.
My 21 year old daughter was killed in a car accident on April 7, 2009. She was a student in Florida, and I live in Pennsylvania.
She led a difficult life, and why that was the case, I just don't know. She was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 4. She survived that which makes her early death for another reason harder if that's possible. She struggled to find her place in the world, but lived life to the fullest. She took risks. She pushed the envelope. She didn't always make the best choices. But she loved with all her heart even those who didn't deserve it. She wanted to be famous and almost got there. She was killed returnng from an interview that would put her on a reality TV show.
Why it happened we don't exactly know. The road was stright. It was night but no rain. She hadn't been using alcohol . She just drove off the road, her car rolled,she wasn't wearing a seatbelt, she was ejected, she died at the scente.
Nov 2, 2009 6:24 PM
Guest :
I lost my only child as a result of a motorcycle accident. He is/was my
everthing. His father died several years ago. I feel as if I am alone in my
grief. I have no family. My son is gone.
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