If you're a mother in law, here's how to develop a great relationship with your son's wife. These easy do's & don'ts will help you be a great mother in law.
These tips for building a good relationship with your son's wife will help you be a great mother in law!
Being a great mother in law can be as easy as being a loving, kind friend. Or it can require a little fancy footwork – such as self-awareness, people skills, and self-discipline. These mother in law do's and don'ts are geared towards a relationship with your daughter in law (not son-in-law) because most mother-in-law difficulties involve problems with a daughter-in-law.
With these tips, you'll learn how to say "I love you" without even opening your mouth. Before you know it, you'll build a good relationship with your son's wife - and she'll think you're a great mother in law.
To be a great mother in law, DO:
Remember that your children and daughter in law have their own lives. If you want to see them, call and ask when they're available.
Be flexible. For instance, if they can't see you on Christmas Day, then gracefully enjoy their company on Christmas Eve. Flexibility is a prime way to be a great mother in law.
Ask "why" if your daughter in law asks you to change your behavior. Ask why to understand better, not to argue or defend yourself.
Be patient if you experience hostility, suspicion, or distance from your daughter in law. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by not reacting immediately to slights.
Ask before you help with dinner, housecleaning, or rearranging the furniture. Building a good relationship with your daughter in law involves knowing your boundaries.
Accept and learn about your daughter in law's generation, culture, nationality, age, and mindset – which is supposed to be different than yours!
Sign a contract if you lend or borrow money from your son's wife.
Talk openly, honestly, and humbly about miscommunications, arguments, or other conflicts with her. Talk about building a good relationship with your daughter in law and your experiences as a mother in law.
Be responsive to your daughter in law's needs and feelings even if you don't understand them. Building a good relationship with your daughter in law is about empathy.
Treat all your children equally – including your in-laws. A great mother in law is impartial and fair.
Tell mother in law jokes!
To be a great mother in law, DON'T:
Walk into your daughter in law's house whenever you feel like it. Building a good relationship with your daughter in law requires respect.
Give your daughter in law advice unless asked.
Comment on your daughter in law's parenting, housekeeping, cooking, or relationship skills (or your son's).
Punish your family when they don't conform to your expectations. Be a great mother in law by letting your family be themselves.
Make up stories about your son or your son's wife.
Comment on your daughter in law's hair, clothes, weight, makeup, job, income, extracurricular activities, or cosmetic surgery (unless you're offering genuine, sincere compliments!).
Talk constantly about your gout, trips, past, death, funeral arrangements, or garden. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by being interested in her.
Hold a grudge or try to make her your son's wife or son feel guilty.
Exclude your daughter in law from serious events in your life, such as surgeries or medical diagnoses. Being a great mother in law involves honesty.
Be mean or grumpy to your daughter in law. Be a great mother in law by being polite and kind.
Discipline your grandchildren your way.
Feed the grandchildren "forbidden" foods. Heed your daughter in law's house rules.
Take control of family holidays, events, or visits. Be a great mother in law by letting go.
Call your daughter in law or grandchildren names. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by being respectful.
Nag. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by letting things go.
Force your perspective or way of doing things on your son's wife.
Ignore your daughter in law.
Wait for your son to leave the room and then make "harmless", unhelpful or even snide comments to your daughter in law about their lifestyle.
Complain that your daughter in law is wasting electricity, water, plastic sandwich bags, wrapping paper, or bows. A great mother in law keeps her opinions to herself.
Don't forget that all your children – including your son's wife – feels loved and appreciated in different ways.
These do's and don'ts will help you build a good relationship with your son's wife. The bonus is that they're really ways to say "I love you" and "I value you" without even having to say the words!
If you found How to be a Great Mother in Law helpful, try:
The copyright of the article How to be a Great Mother in Law in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How to be a Great Mother in Law in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
What is an endearing name to call a mother-in-law. Mom might be upsetting
to her mom, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. And how would I suggest
that my daughter-in-law call me by a 'Mamma C' or 'Ms.C' if that's the
case. Needing advice? I don't want her to call me by my first name. I
feel that's a bit improper.
Sep 3, 2008 10:28 PM
Guest :
You wouldn't suggest, it's rude and shows how controlling you are. It is
not improper for her to call you by your first name. It's normal because
that is your name. If she finds an endearing name for you on her own, then
so be it. You don't tell someone that you want to be called another name
and assume they will see it as endearing.
Oct 25, 2008 7:56 PM
Guest :
I am curious as to how many other MIL's follow the rules, are kind,
thoughtful, generous, and still are not successful with the relationship?
We all make mistakes, and I do try to correct mine, but there is something
about the relationship that brings out the worst in each female. For
example, are we (MIL's) not allowed to have an opinion about important
decisions the young couple make? I have always prefaced my opinion with the
statement that the final decision is theirs of course - but - here's my
opinion. Do what you decide to do - but please - listen to what I have to
say. Is there anything wrong with that?
Nov 9, 2008 8:03 AM
Guest :
I've tried to be a good mother-in-law for three years and after looking at
the lists you've given I feel if following the rules worked, I'd been in
good shape. However, after three years, I still feel we have not come to a
place I'd call a great relationship. I was very close to my own
mother-in-law, but I also made a lot of the effort to be good
daughter-in-law to her as well. Why is there no consideration as to how to
be a good daughter-in-law in today's society? It's a two sided
relationship and both parties have to work at it. My mother-in-law and I
both worked at it and we became very close. She died last year and I miss
her very much.
Jan 13, 2009 5:22 PM
Guest :
How about this: don't forget your daughter in law's birthday and act as if
it is no big deal!
Jan 13, 2009 5:32 PM
Guest :
How about this: don't forget your daughter in law's birthday and act as if
it is no big deal!
Jan 14, 2009 6:27 AM
Guest :
I wish my mil reads this. I envolved her all i could, even took her to ante
natel classes. Got me nowhere. she comes out with her opinions and then
wants to lie about them! But her husband couldnt. Strange really, now
treats her own son like crap tooo. All because they dont like thier son
living thier own lives!!
Jan 30, 2009 2:00 PM
Guest :
I've done all of the above, I never do the don'ts. I'm a nice person, with
a very nice disposition. I never had any trouble with any of my son's
friends. I don't have a daughter, so, I always thought that it would be
nice to be close to my son's wife. But it's not going to happen. Why?
Because she isn't interested in knowing me at all. She likes my husband,
but me she just ignores. Before they got married she told my son, to tell
us that we shouldn't move closer than an hour away, when my husband got
transferred. She also told him to tell me that she didn't want me to call
the house all the time. The only problem with that was I didn't call the
house all the time, I never called her at all or my son. My husband is
allowed, but I'm not. Why? She doesn't have anything in common with me,
and I'm not pretty. This my son tells me. She is also very close to her
family, so there is no room for me. She says that I will make friends of
my own. I have, since I found a church, and my husband and I are very avid
church goers. And ironically, so is she. But I don't know any people that
go to church that have that kind of cold mindset. I don't know what to do.
Luckily, there are no children yet. I doubt that I would see them much
either. We would watch the dog when she goes to visit her family for
outings and all that and the children would go with them. Her parents are
very nice, however, and much warmer toward to me, than she is. Right now,
I'm pretty much fresh out of ideas. I've never had this problem before.
I've always been able to have a good time with people if they talk, but she
doesn't want to tell me anything much about herself, so, I respect her
rights, and all that. I agree much with the other poster that said,
daughter-in-laws should try to care about their mother-in-laws, and make
extra effort too. So, I'm nice, and go home practically in tears
sometimes. One time when I was at their house, she actually walked out
without telling anyone, because she wanted to go by herself shopping for
some things. I just think that it is rude to do that to someone, at least
she should have said something to me about it. I never said anything to
her about it either. I would have understood. Well, that's the way it
goes. I'll probably join an online support group, some of us will probably
need it. Peace !!
Mar 24, 2009 2:07 PM
Guest :
My future DIL left a message out of left field--said I was manipulative and
used my son to call attention to me. I have always tried to do the right
thing. Right after that I was told that I wasn't invited to the reception.
That hurt as if someone had knifed me. I have tried and will try to do
these things, but this hurts so much.
Apr 22, 2009 11:20 AM
Guest :
My son's fiance got pregnant on purpose (stop taking the pill) then
proceeded to try to control him and us with using the baby against us, even
after we extended many offers to assist them with purchasing a house and
trying to be as supportive as possible. Although I had a lot of disrespect
for the way she came into our family, I have tried to focus on the blessing
that the child is to all of us. She repeatedly tells me how
"uncomfortable" she is around me and then lists the many ways I
have offended her and uses a victim mentality in doing so. Not sure how to
approach this except to distance myself, be civil as possible, and keep an
open and loving relationship with my son to show that I am making every
attempt to be mature about it without getting drawn into a negative cycle
of her victimhood. Any thoughts on this?
Apr 23, 2009 7:32 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Boy, mothers-in-law usually get the bad rap -- and sometimes it's the
daughters-in-law who are making waves!
I'm sorry your DIL is so
difficult to deal with, but it sounds like you're handling everything
wonderfully. It's always difficult when there's a child involved -- you
can't just distance yourself. The old your grandchild gets, the easier
it'll be to go for ice cream or to movies, and build a strong relationship
without having to rely on your daughter-in-law (I hope!).
You
could also ask your son for his suggestions. You don't want to fall into
the "victim mentality" trap, but you do want to connect with her
somehow (because she holds the keys to the kingdom, as it were). Maybe he
has some ideas on how she needs to be treated. Maybe there's a balance
between giving her what she needs and not losing yourself in the
process.
And sometimes, there's nothing we can do. People have
their own opinions and behaviors, and no matter how we respond, we may not
be able to break through. She may also be coping with guilt, post partum
depression, or other issues. A woman who deliberately gets pregnant won't
be easy to have a relationship with, no matter what you do.
Good luck with your daughter in law, and I hope things smooth out soon!
You never know, it could just be a bad phase....
Laurie
Apr 28, 2009 12:32 AM
Guest :
I agree with the other readers. Why is it the MIL always gets the bad rap.
How about the DIL's. There we were going about our lives and someone
special comes into our son's life. We were very happy for him. I even told
him, If he thinks she is the one, go after her. Then she kicks us in the
gut and sais WE need to let go. He's a grown Man now. Only she can hang on
to Her whole family and Her parents (well her Mom) can be on call 24/7 (Her
mothers words) BUT I have to let go.
May 18, 2009 7:35 PM
Guest :
How about dont harrass your DIL after her husband joins the army and then
send him letters with complete lies saying she wants a divorce!! i hate my
MIL!!! shes a witch!!
May 21, 2009 10:51 AM
Guest :
I e-mailed this to my "future" MIL. We just got into an argument
yesterday because she wanted me to read a book that I think is morally
worng and she said I was disrespectful for not reading it when she asked!
She is IMPOSSIBLE! She started screaming and insulted my mother and myself
and said she does not want to see my daughter (HER grandaughter) until I
apologize and read the stupid book! She comes over and looks through my
house to make sure I have cleaned, and she CONSTANTLY pressures me to put
my daughter in the church of her choice!! Yet, she thinks she has done
NOTHING wrong! Hopefully this will get through to her! The worst part is,
my mom is SO sweet to my fiance.. I'm so jealous! He get's the good MIL and
I'm stuck with a controlling witch! My mom would NEVER speak to him the way
his mother speaks to me.
May 27, 2009 5:02 PM
Guest :
how about DON'T stay too long when visiting their son! I like my in-laws
but more than a month (sometimes 3 months) of visit is too much. They visit
us every year. I like spending time with my in-laws at first but then they
stayed too long (about 4 months) and I observed that my mother-in-law is a
little bit sneaky and needy sometimes. They talked about financial matters
and problem with their other son. They talked it over and over every night
when my hubby comes home from work. I couldn't stand it anymore so I talked
to my husband that it would be nice that next time they would come again,
they should stay for a month.
Jun 2, 2009 11:00 PM
Guest :
MILs do get the bad rap...how about an abusive controlling DIL who has told
my son that he is a grown man and he needs to let go, but she continues to
be very involved with her family. My son never calls anymore, but her
family can still be very close to her. I am tired of her BS and her
manipulating my son and telling lies about me. I would like to really go
kick her ASS! I am hurting so much....I have lost a son as he stands by her
side...
Jun 7, 2009 8:35 PM
Guest :
My Grandson was born last December. I made plans to go and see the family
only to find out I was UNINVITED because I was brining my little dog. I
have sever panic attacks when driving any distance alone and they live more
than 5 hours away. I had planned to stay in a hotel with the dog. DIL
calls and tells me until I can behave I am not welcome!!!
Jun 19, 2009 1:46 PM
Guest :
MIL & DIL relationships are a trip. With my MIL we can jsut never be on
the same page...when I try, she doesn't, when she tries...I'm not willing.
We are both stubborn! I often feel so sorry for my husband because it does
affect him...I will admit though he chooses me. He feels that he is grown
and he loves me and his mom, but he admits his mom his controlling and
gossips about me throughout the family (which affects my relationship with
everyone else in the family) So, he doesn't feel like I should have to be
around a bunch of gossiping, quackling hens. In return he doesn't go around
as much because he is working and when he does have free time he's spending
it with me and his kids. I have given in many times to her rudeness to keep
my husband happy but it has been over 10yrs. and if she doesn't like me by
now she never will, so I give up! The relationship between her and his son
is their business but unfortunatly she needs to realize that when the wife
isn't involved with the inlaws a REAL husband will have a hard time going
around all willy and nilly when he knows his wife should be included but is
not welcomed.
Jun 23, 2009 5:28 PM
Guest :
Who do you think you MIL's are??? If you have a husband, stay home and out
of your son and DIL's business. This is their turn to start their lives, a
house and a family. If you were a piss poor mother, why does your DIL have
to pay for your mistakes in poor mothering. If you need to criticize
anyone, go do it to your own MIL or your husband, see how that goes over.
I bet not. You MIL's that boo-hoo that your DIL's are so mean, I'm reading
this and you all sound pathetic!! My MIL is the wicked witch of the east.
She's mean, manipulative, rude and homely as hell. No one can ever say
"no" or look out WWIII will strike. I've tried my best to be
nice, to be a friend, I've even overlooked alot of hurtful things she has
said and done to me. I look at is this way, you give her an inch she wants
3, she's never satisfied. I feel bad for my husband b/c he gets caught in
the cross-fire. Asking him to take my side would not be the fair thing to
do, but I would like him to be more supportive. I even hate to send my
kids up to her house b/c I'm afraid she'll say things that could hurt them.
MY MIL is not the most stable person, she is a pill popper and has easy
access to her meds. One disagreement, she's screaming that she needs her
pills. Give me a break!! Yes, I know I sound very bitter, but I've been
through alot this this woman. She's just plain nuts!! Any comments on
this are welcome. Thanks.
Jul 1, 2009 12:13 PM
Guest :
I'm tired of my MIL thinking her dog is on same level (or above) her
grandchildren. She is the only one who enjoys this little spoiled, smelly
poodle. I would love my MIL to visit our home but her dog is NOT welcome.
Jul 13, 2009 4:33 PM
Guest :
And if your 7 years married dil starts over an 18 month period making
derogatory comments (definitely not teasing, I can tell the difference)
about your son's height, hair line that she married "too young"
and wonders if she would marry if he died, several times in front of
friends, family, yourself then does a good MIL let that go? I talked to my
DIL because I genuinely was concerned these were signs of trouble in the
marriage and also because I felt this wasn't appropriate - he doesn't do
this to her. She said it was "cultural differences" and now I'm
the evil MIL. I did not call her names or blame, I was honestly concerned.
Being a MIL sucks.
Jul 23, 2009 2:16 PM
Guest :
I think both Mother-In-Laws and Daughter-In-Laws should try hard to love
one another. I know if my situation I'm often ignored, but deep down I
know my MIL is just learning and growing in accepting that her Son is his
own Man now with a family of his own. I just had a baby recently and I
understand how hard it might be to let go of a son. Most sons just leave
when they're grown and mom's never see them again. It was the first
thought I had when I heard I was going to have a little boy. Both sides
definitely need to learn to compromise, and try to put themselves in the
other shoes. MIL's remember that most of you were once DIL's and DIL's
remember that you might be a MIL someday.
Jul 25, 2009 8:58 AM
Guest :
Being a MIL is much harder than being a DIL. I had the MIL from hell. She
was nice sometimes and then gossiped about me and manipulated at other
times. I wasn't allowed in family photos either. It was hard, and I
grieved a lot. My husband and other family understood and were supportive,
and I appreciate that. That said, being a MIL is so much harder. Part of
the problem is that I have spent years trying to show my DIL that I am not
her former MIL. She says that woman (her ex-MIL)was crazy. After many
years of living with my DIL's double standards, I'm thinking ex-MIL simply
may have reacted more openly and more often than I do to the same double
standards that I live with. In the first two years of their relationship,
my husband and I were stunned when my son would call very angry at
something I had supposedly done. We had never encountered anything like it
in our family dynamics. Thankfully, over time he wised up to the new
dynamics and manipulation that were in play. However, I don't like for him
to feel in the middle, so I stay as mute as possible (which is an inequity
that I just live with). In fact, with my being quiet I've watched my
husband eventually handling the most obvioius things on his own. But it is
difficult when you've worked hard to have a functional, healthy family, and
have a dysfunctional DIL bring dysfunctional behavior into the mix. I bite
my tongue, cry a lot in private, and pray for her often. I psyche myself
out before visiting, so that I am kind and supportive with my words. I do
honor their house rules and child-raising rules. I compliment her to
others and in her presence. And, I have seen a softening in her over time.
The hardest thing, other than seeing my son rarely, is, like one MIL
commented earlier, my DIL really doesn't care to know me. I'm hardly a blip
on her radar. It's nothing personal toward me, I know. It's mostly a lot of
conditioned prejudice regarding MIL's, and preoccupation of her own. I
like her as a person, and I hope someday to have a closer relationship.
Another comment, I do think MIL jokes for the most part are lingering
sypmtoms of our mysogenistic society. I think they are bad taste as much
as jokes about race or ethnicity. I think DIL/MIL squabbles are partially
(not wholly) characteristic behavior of women living in a society that
feigns equal rights but in lived reality denies women the power.
Jul 27, 2009 2:13 PM
Guest :
I am a MIL whose son has been serving overseas since Jan. 2009 and is due
to come home in a few days. my DIL and I have always had an awesome
relationship but it has been very strained since my son left. My DIL
suffers from depression and anxiety and was to have a job while my son was
away to save $ for a downpymt. on a house,, however she did not do this and
said she couldn't handle it, way to stressed, depressed, etc. Therefore,
she asked if they could live with my husband and I, which is my son's
step-father, until he finds a job,but we are in the process of working on
our own marriage. We decided it was best that they stay in an extended
stay (we even offered to pay for it), we would keep their dogs and they
could come to our house as they please to see them, but my DIL didn't like
that and got really upset with me. She has made some very hurtful and
disrespectful remarks to me over these last 6 months, of which I'm not even
sure she's told my son the whole truth and of course he is going to side
with his wife. But I feel it is putting a strain on the relationship
between my son and I and it scares me to death. She at one point told me
she felt like she was competing with another woman. WHAT!!!!!!! She
even went so far as to tell me what I could and couldn't say when I would
visit with my son on instant messenger and that, that was their time. I
didn't stay on IM that long so that they could visit. My DIL has continued
to push the subject of them living here until my son finds a job even after
we have told them we think it best they are by themselves and not under
parents feet so they could get reaquainted from his long time away but that
we would help in other ways the best we can. She has told me several
times, "WE KNOW WHAT WE NEED AND IT'S A PLACE TO LIVE FREE UNTIL HE
FINDS A JOB". I am dealing with cancer problems at the same time so
it's been very difficult on me. I love my son and DIL to death and we have
ALWAYS helped them whenever they've needed it, exactly as they've needed
but this time we couldn't and she is very mad at me. My son sent me an
email, after I told his wife I was sorry I didn't get back with her in a
timely fashion regarding her request, but that I hadn't forgotten, just
sleeping all day most days and not had a chance to rediscuss with husband,
and told me that they are going to try to rent a townhouse since that
seemed their only option. I'm at a loss and very upset. Any
suggestions????? PLEASE!!!!
Jul 27, 2009 8:55 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for sharing your story here, and I'm sorry for your problems with
your daughter in law! You're doing the right thing by not letting them move
in -- it's too much for your health and marriage, and you're right to
recognize that. Let go of your guilty feelings, and don't let yourself be
manipulated.
I've offered a few more suggestions for you on my
Psychology blog.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of
this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on
the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Cope With a Difficult
Daughter in Law?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the
side panel of that page.
I wish you all the best with her and
your son!
Laurie
Jul 27, 2009 11:45 PM
Guest :
This is what I've been encountering, any advice is appreciated. Many
thanks. 1. I am not part of her family but an outsider • I could
not park my car at her house’s parking lot. I did it once when it was
raining, she called me to remove my car as that parking lot was for my
husband’s car only. • When I was pregnant, she told me to quit my job
to raise my baby and that she would not help me with anything. • She
has never appreciated with daughter-in-laws’ success. When she heard of
it, she would then say something like why should that person be my son? 2. Making me feel that my marriage is unsecured • Before me being
pregnant - she told me that I must not have a baby. • She did not let
us using a spare bedroom for my son’s nursery. She wanted to use it as a
storage room for her unused stuff i.e. old magazines & old cloths. • I could not give my son a proper bath in the bathroom but in a living
room (by putting a bath tub on a table in a living room). 3. Looking
down my family & me • My husband's ex GF was wealthy, she was
driving Benz (while I have only a Japanese car). • I knew how to dress
up since I had dated with my husband (when she had first met me, I had
already dated with him). • She warned me to book a very good hotel for
her for our wedding reception. She said she had used only good quality
products, she could stay at luxurious hotels only, and she had even stayed
at the Mandarin Oriental and eaten at Lodge Jim etc (5-star hotel in
Bangkok). • She likes talking to me in the way to make me feel that
her family is superior to others including my family and that I got lucky
married to my husband. 4. Creating misunderstanding/bad attitudes
toward me • When she is in Thailand, she complains the other
daughter-in-law who lives in London to me and my husband. When she was in
England, she complained me to her other son and in-law. I talked to other
in-law, we found that she likes talking only either part of the story or
twisting the story. 5. Why spending on your wives not your mother • My in-law will not be happy if learns that her sons paying for their
wives i.e. she kept moaning about the other in-law used her other son’s
credit card to buy her own watch. • My husband gives her 25% of his
salary while I (who have earned more & pay most of the bills) give my
dad 12% but she likes asking for more. Anyone advises me
please.......
Jul 28, 2009 5:17 AM
Guest :
Ok. So this is basically how my mother in law is. well when she was 18 she
gave up her son to her Mom, his Grandma, his grandma raised him and his mom
really had nothing to do with him. Now that his Grandma is dead his mom
talks all these mean things about her that she never said when she was
alive. But when we were about to get married his mom loved me. After we got
married. His mom took it upon herself to be his informant.
Not
that i do anything that he doesnt know about but she will call him and say
oh you know jaque did this, and he would reply yes mom i already knew that.
After this goes on for a while and i have only been married 5 months, we
got in this fight over me staying out late with his sister and her friend
his sister is married too and my husband stayed home with her husband well
when i got home my MIL took it upon herself to sit outside and listen to us
discuss this for 3 hours and i wanted our privacy not fair. I wish I had a
good mother in law who was cool with me and didnt ignore me when i talked
to her because i am a nice person and love to talk. And one more thing, she
thought it was ok for my husband to remove his ring fom his hand because he
was angry at me.
Jul 28, 2009 10:49 PM
Guest :
Thanks so much Laurie. I needed your advice. I have questioned myself over
and over as to whether we are doing the right thing. My son has not only
been serving our country but earned his degree while serving and with
HONORS! I feel so bad for my son!!! I wish he would put his foot down
when he returns, which is tomorrow. YEAH!!!!!!! But, I know he won't as
he is too much like me in that we don't like confrontation, make waves,
etc. We just go with the flow which I know is not good. I've done it so
long now with my husband that he just walks all over me. He's a control
freak. So I have a lot on my plate right now. I will read your advice you
suggested. Thanks again!!!!!!!!
Oct 1, 2009 7:25 AM
Guest :
My mother in law are polite and we like each other but we will never be
close. She is wealthy and is a pushy woman but is slowly learning
boundaries. She is controlling over her son and he is a huge mama's boy.
I'm very independent from a happy but poor family. We have learned to get
along without being close and that is just fine with me. My family is the
kind where we love each other but we don't need to see each other all the
time. His family is the opposite. They are offended if we don't call or
visit every day. This has been a challenge but we are learning how to say
no and my husband is learning how to stand up to his parents and be a
man.
Oct 5, 2009 10:37 PM
Guest :
My son is married last year,he is only 26 years old.when i saw my dil in a
marriage i proposed.everything workedout.simple marriage,we even agreed
when she has to financially support her parents.everything was nice.after
the marriage she started showing her real colours.she doesn;t talk to
us.she likes only my son.she cannot stay when he goes out.he wanted to
continue his studies she said she will go n stay in pg.her mother
interferes a lot.I was not treated well by my MIL.hence i thought i will
look after her like a daughter.nothing is workingout.we both r working.we
will be in kitchen from 5 am to 6am .unless i initiate she will not
talk.whenever we have any misunderstanding she hits her head to wall and
she show tantrums in front of my son.she doesnt spend anything to
house.wnen she has free time she never helps maid.she is abusing me outside
my husband n my son wants us to live together.i allow her to cook whatever
she wants to do.most of the time i am the one who has to
compromise.basically Iam a counselor .every week iam attending
counselling.he says let her do whatever she wants.let ur son do whatever he
wants let him swim on his own.when he is drowning you can lend your
hand.but dont you think that will be too late?
Oct 17, 2009 4:56 PM
Guest :
I think most MIL's have a hard time letting go of their sons. Instead of
seeing their sons as grown men capable of making their own decisions with
their wives, they choose to meddle in their sons' lives. They seem to
forget that a marriage is a commitment between a husband and wife, and
whatever goes for the son must also be accepted by the wife. They are a
team, and the family of origin takes a backseat to the marriage.
Mother-in-laws, please understand that DIL's WANT to have a healthy
relationship with their in-laws, but you also need to do your part to be
opening, understanding, and sensitive to your DIL's needs. Remember, if you
want to keep a good relationship with your sons (and future grandchildren),
you must also keep a good relationship with your DIL. ADVICE TO MIL's: DO
NOT, under any circumstances, offer your advice unless asked. You risk
being offensive and rude. Bite your tongue. Do NOT critique your DIL's ways
of doing things (with house, children, etc). DIL's ways may not be the
same as yours, but you should ALWAYS respect her decisions and wishes.
Oct 17, 2009 4:59 PM
Guest :
MIL's - please respect your DIL. Our relationship has gone sour, and now I
refuse to have any contact with my MIL (my child, included). Anyone who
can't have a decent, respectful, healthy relationship with me shouldn't
have a relationship with my child.
