Changing Your Personality Traits

When You Change Your Characteristics, You Change Your Life

Dec 16, 2007

Changing Your Personality, Changing Your Life, stock xchange goce

To change your life, consider changing your personality traits. Here's what personality psychology reveals about changing your characteristics.

Changing your personality traits is not only possible, it can change your life! Here, the basics of personality psychology reveal how to change your characteristics successfully.

"If you're ready for change, you can make it happen," says retired psychologist Jan Goldfield, PhD.

Personality Psychology: Changing Your Personality Traits

Until recently both professionals and laypeople believed that personality traits are set by age 30. Further, psychologists believed certain personality traits are mostly genetic, which means you're born agreeable, neurotic, or extroverted – and you'll stay that way despite your environment or desire to change. You can’t make any personality changes, they once believed.

Current research, however, suggests that personality traits do change. You can change your personality and characteristics if you want to - and thus change your life.

University of California (Berkeley) researchers Sanjay Srivastava and Oliver P John found that not only do personality traits change over time – personality traits change more in adulthood than in childhood. As an adult, changing your personality can improve your life.

Personality Psychology: 5 Steps to Changing Your Personality

1. Decide why you want to change your personality. Are you changing your personality because you want to impress your partner or mother? Changing your personality traits to suit others isn't healthy. Plus those personality changes won't last because they're not based on your own needs. On the other hand, if you want to change your personality because you're tired of sitting at home alone or feeling sad most of the time, then you're more likely to be happy with your personality changes.

2. Pick a specific personality trait to change. To change your personality, pick one thing to focus on. For example, if you're hesitant to try parachuting – but you want to try new things – then focus on the "openness" trait of the Big Five Personality Traits. Practice trying new things, using your imagination, and taking small risks (baby steps) are effective ways to change your personality. After you take small steps, then making bigger personality changes is relatively easy.

3. Give yourself time to change your personality. You can't change your personality overnight. Set small, reasonable goals such as allowing yourself to worry for no longer than five minutes a day. Be patient. If you stay focused and persistent, you will make effectively change your personality, such as worrying less or becoming more agreeable.

4. Be accountable for changing your personality. Trust a friend or spouse to help you change your personality. Ask them to tell you when you're displaying the personality traits you're pursuing – and accept their praise when you show that trait! This will motivate and support you, and strengthen your relationships too. Changing your personality can change your life.

5. Be open to other sources of help for changing your personality. Sometimes you need more support than a friend or spouse when you’re changing your personality – and there are hundreds of options! Books about personality psychology, support groups, counselors, life coaches, workshops, and classes are just a few possibilities when you're changing your personality. An objective point of view is invaluable in helping you identify healthy reasons for personality change.

If you found Changing Your Personality: When You Change Your Personality Traits, You Change Your Life helpful, try:

The copyright of the article Changing Your Personality Traits in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Changing Your Personality Traits in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Changing Your Personality, Changing Your Life

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Apr 15, 2008 8:18 AM

Scott :

Hi

Im 27 Ive been dating a girl now that I met a work for almost a year now ( she is 28 ). She is one of the most loving and caring of people i have ever met she is always there for me when im feeling down and is always complimenting me basically she is perfect however.....

When she was 17 she got involved in drugs, nothing to heavy like heroin or Cocaine etc. but still. She also dated a big time drug dealer 14yrs her senior during this time, who used her and he ended up being her first sexual experience. This all lasted about 7mnths before her parents found out. This is really hard for me to undrstand because i have never taken a drug in my life and know hundreds of other girls that are repulsed by this guy. So then why was she so weak. She says she has some father issues but thats just to easy an excuse to hide behind, or am i being to harsh?

Secondly about 5yrs later she was seduced by her boss also 14yrs her senior who was married with two kids and they had an affair for almost 3yrs. Him and his wife were seperated at the time and he was promising her the world but couldnt leave cause his wife would take the kids etc. anyway to cut a long story short she knows it was a mistake and wrong, but how can you keep making the same mistake for 3yrs?? she showed the hight of selfishness by not thinking about the third parties feelings, granted she was the one that ended it after growing a conscions and he did continue to persue her which she ignored. But if she can do it once she can do it again!

Thirdly and lastly after all of this, she dated a guy about two
years ago and fell pregnant totally by accident, when the guy found out he left and she found out he had been cheating on her with her best friend. This finally brings me to my question, she realised this was karma and what goes around comes around after being with a married man in her past she was now alone as a single mother. She did the whole forgiving herself for her past mistakes and writing everything down thing and after having her baby has become an better person. DO/CAN PEOPLE CHANGE

Ive wanted to break up with her many times but know ill regret it the next day because she has done nothing to me, but be a perfect girlfrind and all i do is run her down and constantly bring up her past, bringing her to tears with some of the things i say and i fell awful about it afterwards and it makes me so angry beacuse i have no control over it, you cant change your past ( but if you do it once c

Apr 15, 2008 11:25 AM

Aurae Beidler :

Wow! I think you need to look to yourself, and ask if you can overlook the things of her past. As she has done nothing to you, I believe that people can change. I'm actually writing a book about my own personal experience about changing my life around. I don't want to share too many of my personal experiences but I know what it's like to make big mistakes in life, similar to your girlfriend's, and actually change to become a totally new person. I found that my mistakes were made because I lost sight of God, and did not know who I was myself. I think many women do the same thing.

I tried so hard to tell my now husband about my past when we started dating. But he told me, my past is my past. It's my business. And if I am a new person, starting over, then why bring up the past? I am honored to have such a supportive mate. It's amazing what a little respect can do. He loves who I have become, the new me.

I really hope you can trust that she has changed.

Apr 15, 2008 12:14 PM

Helen Brain :

Scott, your girlfriend does need to change - she needs to heal. We choose partners who reflect out own level of maturity and wholeness, and your relationship sounds unhealthy and destructive for both of you. There is no such thing as a perfect girlfriend, and you are idealizing her.
She keeps choosing men who are bad for her. People repeat their patterns again and again, until they address their woundedness. Until she does this she is doomed to keep getting into destructive relationships - and so are you - and this one is destructive to you because you feel bad about yourself in it.
Your gut is telling you to break up, but your guilt tells you to stay.
You both need to get help from a therapist to untangle yourselves and either to work on this relationship or to avoid making the same mistake next time round.

Apr 15, 2008 12:19 PM

Jill Browne :

Scott, good for you for recognizing your own behaviour and impulses.

What you describe - the desire to belittle your girlfriend, the feeling that you need to be an avenger for her past behaviours - is hardly the basis for a strong and loving relationship.

If you are really into exploring this, why don't you talk to a psychologist yourself? Not because you are sick or bad or anything like that! But because you are curious about your own behavioural pattern and perhaps by exploring it with a professional, you might make a breakthrough in your own personal development.

Just a thought.

I am a pro-exploration sort of person and I think that studying behaviour is very interesting. Please don't be put off that I suggested it - I repeat that I am not saying there is something wrong with you. I'm just saying, you opened up an interesting avenue and I bet it would be rewarding for you to explore it with a professional.

If you think you would be happy with this woman as a life partner, then surely an investment in making the relationship as good as it can be, would be worth it.

And if you cannot tell whether she is "the one", again, some investigation might help you steer your course, one way or another.

Best wishes,

jill

Apr 15, 2008 12:47 PM

Aurae Beidler :

I think the suggestions to look for therapy are great. My husband and I did pre-marital counseling, which can be done for couple who are only dating too. During our counseling, we discovered that there were things I needed to overcome myself, even though I thought I was over them. Although, I would not do anything to hurt my partner, there were things in my past that I had just covered up and had not healed. They were things that could hurt me. Perhaps your girlfriend would like to go too. I think counseling is a great solution to dealing with relationships.

Aug 19, 2008 10:06 AM

Guest :

It sounds as though you girlfriend might have self esteem issues that lead her to seek out inappropriate men in her relationships. If she has not resolved what ever is causing her self esteem issues she needs to focus on that. You sound as though you may have more concerns that just her history, perhaps something in one of your relationships that lead you not to trust someone, whether it was a relationship you were in or someone close to you. I believe people can change, and I believe that you should talk to her about your concerns with a therapist serving as a moderator. It can work out for both of you, but be careful not to judge because we all have things in our past that we wish we could change...

Sep 5, 2008 5:36 AM

Guest :

I don't really know why I'm writing this here..on the internet, when I know the only person who can change me is myself, but I have to say..I don't think I know who I am anymore and I don't trust myself enough to know that any changes I start to make now will be the right ones. So..I turn to help from anyone at all. I'm 19. I have tattoos on various parts of my body where they are quite visible. I don't find them as cool as i used to back when I was 14 and got my first one and I always try to hide them. I feel as though I'm always being judged by others, my confidence is non-existent, all humor and wit has drained out of me, I always feel as though my life really sucks, and that everything I do or say is wrong. I never used to care about anything people said about me and I was generally a really fun person to be around, but now I don't even find my own company so great. I still feel like I want to change but I don't know how.. I just really want to understand what changed me so much...I guess from reading this..IF anyone reads this far...people might not really understand what I'm trying to get at here..and that's another thing, I'm so bad at talking to people and getting my point across that I don't think anyone ever gets me..so everyone thinks I'm weird and tells me that. Well, as everyone can see I'm a mess. I have hardly any friends left. My only best friend is now at the hospital and my mom and the stepdad and stepsisters are all away. I never knew my real dad and I don't call my mom "Mom" neither do I ever talk to her about anything like this..I wish I could but I know i can't because everyone in my family is so busy and distant from each other even though we all live together. I have no one to talk to..I'm alone almost all the time.. I just feel like I'm drifting away to nowhere and fast. I guess I should stop writing now..but to conclude..it makes it better just knowing at least one person somewhere would read this, and even if not this is the closest I get to "talking about it" to someone..anyone, it doesn't matter, I just want to let it out somewhere.

Sep 5, 2008 7:34 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm glad you posted -- getting it out here anonymously might open the floodgates to figuring out how to make changes in your life. It sounds like you're dealing with alot, and you don't have much support. Sometimes, when our support networks aren't built in (eg, family, partners, etc) - then we need to create our own.

I hope you find a way to make positive changes in your life, guest writer. I know how you feel about doing and saying the wrong thing all the time - I feel the same way too sometimes. It comes and goes.

Anyway, I did read your post all the way to the end. Someone hears you! I wish you all the best in your future plans and relationships.

Nov 19, 2008 4:14 AM

Guest :

Guest writer I completely get what your getting at.I too have the same problems I try to avoid looking into the mirror whenever I can and the only time I ever do is when I shave because I have to.It seems like I can't come up with anything to say to anybody and I can't speak out when there is other people around and I fear that when I talk to people they just want me to shut up and they don't want me to say anymore.Then when I am calling or texting a person and they do not reply to me or they say they have to leave soon after I called then I feel like they do not like me and when somebody I thought was my friend talks to me at school one time and don't acknowledge me the next I think the worst.I am 18 and since I failed I am around the sophomores and freshmen more and even if I were with seniors I am even worse with older people.Like this one girl on my bus I think she is my friend but in the mornings she hasn't even said hi to me anymore and if she don't sit by me in the afternoons I wont talk to her all day and she only sits with me when no other seats are available.Then I see her in the halls she don't say hey then I think hey maybe I should say it but then I fear what if they don't want me to and what if they purposely didn't say anything to me.I have NO and I mean it NO friends at my school and I always feel alone there and it's very lonely.Sometimes I feel like I will go insane at school because I am so alone but at the same time I have got accustomed to not being around people and I am unable to talk even when somebody says something to me and I look at them I feel strange like what do I do when they stop?Do they expect me to say something while they talk or nod?I usually only nod or laugh or smile when I think it's more appropriate for what they say and I do listen I just can't think of a reply.Then I know what that person is thinking,he is boring.I remember back when I first came to this school in one class this one girl flat out tried talking to me and then I said nothing back because I couldn't think of anything and she told me your boring then talked to other people.I have been called boring all the time by everybody I talk to and I can't tell any of these people my problems because whats worse than a person who bores you is a downer!I feel so alone all the time I thought working out would make me more talkative and give me confidence but nothing has changed I have even tried mimicking funny people on tv and sitcoms and places.I am a wreck :'(

Nov 19, 2008 4:31 AM

Guest :

Nov 21, 2008 6:41 AM

Guest :

Dear Guest,

I know exactly how you are feeling. I also had NO friends in high school, I was very self conscious and shy and whenever anyone talked to me my mind would become blank and I would have nothing to say. I never did much of anything so I never had anything to talk about. But looking back there are two things that I remember and I hope they will help you. First, I am guessing that you are a sensitive person who cares about others- you are not the type to ever put anyone down or to be mean to anyone on purpose and that is something to feel good about and be proud of. Second, if someone is telling you you are boring- they are the one with the issue- not you! It's not your responsiblity to provide them with entertainment- that being said however, I have found that the best way not to be a "bore" is to encourage others to talk about themselves. It will be really hard until you get used to doing it but try initiating converstation with someone who has spoken to you before. For example, you said a girl said "hi" to you one day and not the next. I doubt it was because she didn't want to have anything to do with you- she might think since she intiated conversation the first time, that it's your turn now. It wouldn't hurt just to say "hi" to her- it might even make her day that someone took the time to notice her. If you continue to initiate converstation, even by saying "hi" I bet you will find others will say "hi" back and might even be the first to do so next time.

I have found this helpful as well but it is easier said than done-practice, practice! When others talk to you, try not to focus on yourself or how you think you look to the person who is talking to you- instead focus on what they are saying and ask a question or add your own experinece to the conversation. One thing you absolutely must do - you must stop belittling yourself! For years I felt like I was the most boring worthless person and no one bothered with me- no wonder- I probably had a permanent scowl on my face! The point is you must take care of you- you must be nice to you- if anyone desires to be treated kindly by anyone its you being kind to yourself. High school can be very tough, but please don't lose hope. So you aren't the king of conversation- but I bet you are a good listener and that is just as valuable as being a good talker. Above all, please don't feel that your self worth is based on whether you are a good conversationalist or how you think other view you!

Nov 23, 2008 10:29 PM

Guest :

I appreciate you guest for replying to what I wrote it made me feel pretty good.I been hurt recently because that girl has not returned my texts I sent her this weekend and it was just stuff like whats up,have a good day and stuff like that.I am worried and scared and yet excited and anxious to get to the bus in the morning.I was in a really bad place last week and maybe the pain I felt and the countless moments I laid in bed hating myself and asking why me and why I couldn't do this and basically crying into my pillow.I want this week to be better I was all negative and Thanksgiving only gives me 2 days to make thinsg right.I mean I really like this girl I don't know if it's like her as in being attracted and even if it was she already has her eye on a guy so that aint happenin' no way.I see this girl as a person I really want as a friend and not the type of I see you at school and we talk then when the break comes you forget about me like the rest of my "friends" but I want to hang out with her out of school and talk to her not only on the bus because we have no classes together.But the people she hangs out with are so funny and they do crazy stuff that I just don't have the guts to do I remember one afternoon she and these other three people were laughing and joking they were sitting on her and somebody took her shoe and I just sat there as if there was a little box between me and all of them.I see what you mean it's not my job to entertain them but I want to be that guy somebody sees on the bus and says hey I want to sit with him!Or see me in class and come because they want to talk to me you know?But I don't think I can do what most guys do I just don't have that swagger.And I don't want to just survive high school like I been trying to do no I want to LIVE it if you can understand that.These next two days I will try my hardest to be positive did you know I actually..you won't believe this..I actually PAID for some attention I was at lunch and one guy asked the other give me two dollars for lunch and while he was getting it I said wait no you already owe him money and gave him two dollars of my own!Now this did get the one guy who never acnologese I am at the table to say something to me like ask my name and stuff but nothing major.Still pathetic huh?Well tommorrow I must swallow my fears and if I get to sit by her I need to say hi also I need to learn how to not care what others think I find myself lying about stuff that I feel ashamed of/butnotbad

Dec 8, 2008 9:12 PM

Guest :

To Scott-

Not forgiving someone of their past that you weren't even a part of is pointing towards self hate. Maybe try forgiving yourself of mistakes you've made or changing the things you don't like about yourself and it will surely change your thoughts about this girl.
Good luck.

Feb 14, 2009 9:29 PM

Guest :

Hi for the past year/half year ive changed so much and my life has turned around. I changed my personality for the better, and took care of almost every problem i wanted to take care of. I let go of all my worries, became alot stronger, and calmed down. I used to every three days have a severe off day where i felt like i lost all that i had worked for until recently. For the past three weeks my life has gotten so much better and ive been so much happier and those days have not happened. However, this past 2 days i feel like one of those days and my biggest fear has come into the picture and that is being the person i used to be. I have also given up hope, and come close to losing my faith in God, which, with a lot of thinking, i JUST a couple minutes ago regained. Im scared to stay like this although i know its a phase that will go away i just hate dealing with it all the time. I want to know how i can move on, forget about my past, let it go, and stop having these off days and i want to know how i can keep the new me. How do i stop worrying all the time and how do i let this go?

Feb 15, 2009 12:07 AM

Guest :

I am 33 and a VERY late bloomer. I have just only realized that I have had a huge problem connecting with people, and knowing how to handle different personality types and situations. The fact that I have not had enough social interactions in my life is to blame. I was home schooled to the age of 13 so pretty much the only people that I came into contact with were people at my church. By the time I was put into public schools I was already behind the other kids socially and to make matters worse I made a very possessive friend that would get insanely jealous if anyone else would try to be my friend or if boys flirted with me. I was way to passive then to stand up for myself. I know why I have problems socially, knowing why is only the start. Now it is time to think solutions.

Be a fly on the wall. Pay attention to what other people talk about. take mental note.

Be observant. You don't have to state the obvious to make conversation, but if you are always noticing things you may find new opportunities to make small talk.

If you feel like you had something stupid or you didn't say anything at all don't beat yourself up over it, but in your head think of what you wish that you had said. Good mental practice, eventually you will become quicker as with anything you practice. Make conversation with yourself in your head about every situation you are in. I would like to be funny and witty so that is how I try to think.

Always learn something new. Not only does learning take your mind off of yourself, but it also will give yourself something to talk about. I don't have a lot of time to read so I have started to listen to books on tape while I am getting ready for work. You can learn from fiction as well as non-fiction. Your public library will have many boa's to choose from.

Writing is also a good way to organize your thoughts. Write your opinion of a movie that you saw, or your opinion on anything that interests you.

Practice talking to people, but practice on people that you will never see again. That way you can play around with your personality and not have to be embarrassed to see them again. Make conversation with the grocery store clerk, a server at a restaurant, etc. Talk to artists and performers most people love to talk about themselves so complimenting them on their art is a great way to start a conversation, ask lots of questions.

Hope this helps.

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