The three stages of love are romantic feelings, physical attraction, & emotional attachment. Here are 7 ways for partners to enjoy all stages of intimate relationships.
Falling in love involves three stages: the initial feelings of lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and finally a deeper emotional attachment.
Reaching the final stage of love isn't just about luck or unconditional acceptance. You can reach the final stage of love with these seven tips for a healthy love life. But to be enjoyed, the three stages of love must first be understood.
What Are the Three Stages of Love?
The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.
Not everyone reaches or stays in the final stage of love, which is when separation or divorce becomes the choice.
The Three Stages of Love
Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.
Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.
Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits.
The Three Stages of Love: Staying in Love
Love isn't just a vehicle that brings happiness and contentment to your life (or bitterness and pain!). Love is a living, dynamic creature that changes, grows, and needs attention -- and you must nurture it. In all three stages of love, your love reveals who you really are, in all your glory and weakness.
All stages of love can help you accept your strengths and weaknesses. All stages of love also reveal your partner's strengths and weaknesses.
7 Tips for All 3 Stages of Love:
Focus on the things you can control: your attitude, your behavior, your words, and your energy. If you want something to change in any stage of a loving relationship, make it your own traits or actions – not your partner's.
Learn healthy ways to express your disappointment, anger, or frustration. Be honest and authentic, and kind and loving in all stages of relationships.
Remember the first stage of love! Recall your feelings of lust, attraction, and desire for your partner. Think about the traits that you were attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.
Appreciate your partner's good qualities; be grateful for the life you share. Gratitude can enhance all stages of relationships.
Focus on emotional intimacy in all three stages of love. Be vulnerable to have a healthy love life.
Own your feelings. Your partner can't "make" you feel stupid or worthless. If you feel unfulfilled or sad about your life, look at your own dreams and goals. Are you pursuing the life you were meant to live? Are you following your heart? Develop your personality, mind, and spirit. Figure out what will make you happy in this stage of love, and start creating the life you were meant to live.
Consider counseling in any stage of love. If you've lost that loving feeling, it could be an individual thing that you need to deal with or a couples' issue that you should tackle together. An objective point of view, from a therapist, pastor, or friend you trust, is incredibly helpful in all stages of relationships.
The copyright of the article 3 Stages of Love in Couples Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish 3 Stages of Love in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
This is what the man in my life has been talking about! I did not get it
until now. I was confused and causing him such confusion. I wish I had read
this about a week ago before we had this crazy week as we are moving to
emotional attachment.
I see there is no time frames attached to
these stages...and I can understand why....but it would be helpful to know
ranges of time. I like to stress that change is growth and as we go from
one stage to another it can cause confrontation (it did!) but I am commited
to attempt to communicate and work through it. I hope he is too!
Sep 17, 2008 2:50 PM
Guest :
The last line of the "Physical Attraction" paragraph is unclear:
"The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins
to set in, and feelings of infactuation fade."
I looked up
infactuation on dictionary.com and there was nothing. Perhaps you meant to
say infatuation. If so, within the same sentence... infatuation is wearing
off and they fade is somewhat redundant. beside from this, your grammer is
hot.
Jan 21, 2009 7:50 AM
Guest :
Great article! I thought i had nearly ended our relationship and was
calling it quits... but after a few days we were still talking and now it
was on a more mature level...So may be we are entering this last Emotional
Attachment phase...(But my partner somehow already knew all this and kept
his cool througout ...lol)
Mar 1, 2009 4:01 PM
Guest :
I just met my now boyfriend 3 months ago and we decided to started dating 2
months ago. I feel as tho I am already in the stage 3 level. I feel
it might be to soon, but how can you put a time frame on love is what I
keep asking myself.
Apr 6, 2009 12:40 PM
Guest :
yes i am impressed !!! I am in Love and i had already crossed the first
stage and some parts of second stage, and i am trying to make our
relationship more stronger, for which i need to considered other different
things.
May 12, 2009 12:49 PM
Guest :
It is a good article.
Aug 25, 2009 3:58 AM
Guest :
love is love, no stages, no time control...........
Aug 25, 2009 5:42 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled "infactuation"!
Sep 4, 2009 11:51 AM
Guest :
its really a good website.keep it up
Sep 6, 2009 4:57 PM
Guest :
thankyou :)this website makes a lot sense. you've got a really great way
with words. x
Oct 1, 2009 12:44 AM
Guest :
"I feel as tho I am already in the stage 3 level. I feel it might be
to soon, but how can you put a time frame on love is what I keep asking
myself."
Let me give you an example: He's sick, tired and
grumpy. You've had a hard day. Despite this, you decide to make him comfy
on the couch and prepare him a special warm drink.
If you do it
because he looks so cute when he's sick and he's such a lovely person
normally, then you're not in stage 3. Stage 3 is when you look after each
other even when life is rotten and you don't feel like it, because you know
that's what's needed to strengthen your love and commitment to each
other.
Stages 1 and 2 don't inherently last, but if you're
really committed to each other (a strong stage 3), you can work out ways to
revisit the good bits again and again.
Oct 21, 2009 11:05 PM
Guest :
Wow! Im just a 17 year old guy. And I have the best dam relationship I been
dating my gf for almost 6 months and I feel great cause I've pass through
all the 3 stages with out knowing or reading anything just by following my
heart. Do you think my Relationship is a strong one??
Oct 22, 2009 9:38 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I’m glad you’re so happy with you girlfriend!
The
best way to tell if your relationship is a strong one is if it stands “the
test of time.” That is, after 3 years or 5 years or 10 years, if you’re
still in love and enjoying all the stages of love, then you have a great
relationship.
Good luck, and stay loving,
Laurie
Oct 25, 2009 7:13 PM
Guest :
What do you do if you think you are ready for stage three, but your partner
may not be?
Oct 27, 2009 11:09 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
If your partner isn’t at the same stage of love – or ready
for the same stage of love – then there’s not much you can do but wait. You
could set yourself a time limit (eg, six months, or a year)…and then if he
or she still isn’t ready, you’d have to decide if you need to move on or
set another time limit.
The last stage of love takes time, and
grows stronger over time. It can’t be rushed or jumped into – not if the
love will be long-lasting love, anyway. Emotional attachments take honesty,
authenticity, and sincere caring.
So, you wait…and continue
loving your partner in your own way! He or she will love you back in his or
her own way…and hopefully you’ll eventually be at the same stage at the
same time.
