Ending Unhealthy Friendships: When to Say Good-bye to a Bad Friend

Ending unhealthy friendships is difficult, but you have to know when it's time to say good-bye to a bad friend - for your own sake!

Drifting apart happens even when you were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes you just lose touch and move on. Other times you end friendships on purpose, especially if they're weak or unhealthy friendships. When you're ending an unhealthy friendship, you decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact with bad friends.

Whether it's deliberate or a matter of drifting away, ending friendships can be hard to do and to accept - even if your friend was bad or your friendship unhealthy.

Why People End Friendships: Saying Good-Bye to Weak or Bad Friends

Some friendships are weaker than others, which makes ending friendships easier. If they're not based on similarities or true connections, ending friendships seems inevitable. Unhealthy friendships may not last very long, especially if the common bonds aren't authentic. Several factors can masquerade as things in common: proximity (simply living or working near one another), common friends, partners who are friends, children who are friends, or loneliness. Other friendships start in one chapter of life, and don’t easily transfer into the next chapter, such as a friendship that began in while you were married to one person, and that ended after the divorce. Then, ending friendships may not be deliberate, but rather more natural.

Other friendships – or even bad family relationships – are deliberately shut down because they're unhealthy. Ending a friendship is a difficult, often painful decision (even with bad friends or weak friendships).

How to Know if Your Friendship is Unhealthy

Another reason to end unhealthy friendships: unmet expectations. A huge part of any relationship is expectations. If you expect your friend to show up on time, and you’re kept waiting, then you’ll be disappointed. But -- this isn't necessarily a bad friend or unhealthy friendship. If you know you'll have to wait and even bring a book or your laptop, then you may not feel disrespected or frustrated. All friendships require concessions, exceptions and loving forgiveness -- and you get to decide if your friendship is worth it. The bottom line: ending friendships shouldn't be an automatic solution.

Your unique perspective. Another aspect of all relationships is your view of the issues. Is tardiness a sign of a disrespectful or bad friend or simple disorganization? Is “immoral” behavior universally wrong (selling crystal meth to 12 year olds) or a matter of opinion (Christians shouldn’t drink wine)? Take an objective look at your friendship; do the benefits outweigh the negatives? If you're considering ending a friendship, consider the relationship as a whole.

When the quality of the friendship outweighs the perceived misdemeanors, then hold on to your friend – good ones are hard to find. But, if the friendship involves more struggle and frustration than connection and joy, then it may be time to say good-bye for good to a bad friend. Ending friendships can protect your health and well-being.

If you found Ending Unhealthy Friendships: When to Say Goodbye to a Bad Friend helpful, you might enjoy:

Nov 18, 2006 6:16 AM

Migisi :

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From your article: You leave your visits feeling depressed, depleted, frustrated, tired or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful.
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I call them 'energy vampires'. They suck the life right out of me. I've encounter many and, yes, had to lose them on purpose. They are so emotionally needy that, after an afternoon's luncheon, I'm exhausted and need a very long nap. Your word 'depleted' is a good description.

Nov 18, 2006 12:13 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Do you think "energy vampires" know they do this?
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I also wonder if people I find irritating know they're irritating?
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And, how do you know if YOU'RE the energy vampire or irritating person?!?

Nov 18, 2006 4:39 PM

Pink :

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Your article begs the question:
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What is a friend?
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Nov 19, 2006 7:47 AM

Pink :

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Here is another article on friendship:
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http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/christianity_protestant/113534
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Nov 19, 2006 11:05 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I guess a "real" friend would treat you well, so you wouldn't have to sever ties. Is that what you mean by "begging the question", Pink?

Nov 20, 2006 4:44 AM

Pink :

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"Is that what you mean by 'begging the question', Pink?"
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No. Once a 'friend' is proven, they are 'there' for you through good times and bad. Getting over the rough spots is what friends do.
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Then, there are those 'fair weather friends'.
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Nov 21, 2006 8:21 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

In a perfect world, yes that's what friends do. But it's different when real situations come up, such as betrayal or moral issues. Maybe that's a fairweather friend, cutting people loose when problems arise.

Nov 21, 2006 2:11 PM

Pink :

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"Maybe that's a fairweather friend, cutting people loose when problems arise."
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Maybe. That DOES seem to be the trend. So, how do YOU define the word, friend?
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Nov 21, 2006 9:33 PM

Migisi :

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Do you think "energy vampires" know they do this?
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I found this pretty interesting:
http://www.womenof.com/Articles/p_4_5_04.asp
(quote) "In contrast, energy vampires exude negative energy that drains. Vampires range from the intentionally malicious ones to those who are oblivious to their effect. Some are overbearing and obnoxious; others are friendly and charming. For example, you're at a party talking to a perfectly nice person, but suddenly you're nauseous or weak. Or how about the co-worker who drones on about how she broke up with her boyfriend for the tenth time? Eventually, she feels better, but you're spent. The bottom line is that on a subtle energy level these people suck you dry.
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"There are many types of vampires to watch out for. The main ones I stress in my book are the Drama Queen who wears you out with her dramas; The Sob Sister, who whines all the time; The Blamer, who cuts you down with criticism and The Go-For-The-Carotid type who purposely cuts you down without any respect for your feelings. Keep an eye out for these types so you're aware of their methods, and stop them from draining you.
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"Strategies for Dealing with Energy Vampires
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"1.Take an inventory of people in your life who give energy, and people who drain. Specifically identify the energy vampires, and begin to evaluate ones you'd like to limit contact with or eliminate. Plan at least one complete afternoon with people who give off positive energy and avoid drainers. Notice how this beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being.
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"2. Set Clear Boundaries. It's crucial to limit the time you spend discussing a vampire's gripes. When approaching her, remember: the difference between being a b**ch and setting boundaries is attitude. Instead of saying, "You're selfish and self-obsessed, I can't take you anymore," which a part of you likely feels, take a breath and shift to your heart.
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"3. Meditate...
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"4. Walk away. If you feel your energy being zapped don't hesitate to politely excuse yourself from a killing conversation. Move at least twenty feet from the person, outside the range of his or her energy field. "I have to go to the bathroom" is a foolproof line. Most people are oblivious to how their energy impacts others. For years, reluctant to hurt anyone's feelings, I needlessly endured these types of situations and suffered. How many of us are so loathe to appear rude that a raving maniac can be right in our face, and still we d

Nov 23, 2006 3:10 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

This was a great post!

We all have faults, and weaknesses in our abilities to be friends. Are they clear and easy to see? I don't know.....Maybe.

Jan 3, 2007 6:54 PM

butch dorris :

I have been reading about the different traits of a codependent and I fit most of them. I had a relationship with a female co-worker and there was no sex. I have known her for years but here in the past few years our friendship grew stronger. I felt sympathetic towards her because of all the pain she was in. I went out of my way to be her friend and be there when she needed someone to talk to. She also would tell me that nobody liked her and it seemed that her husband didn't pay attention to her either. We even were at th epoint to telling each other "I love you". So, I would be extra nice to her and take her things that I knew she liked. She appreciated what I was doing that but never seemed to want to return any favors almost being selfish. In the past few months I noticed that she seemed to be ignoring me and when I wanted to talk to her about some things that were bothering me she showed no interest. This really upset me and has caused some heartache I haven't felt since I was a teenager. I am really confused because I haven't been approached like that and had a friend treat me like this. I know it may sound childish but I guess we all have feelings and don't like being hurt....sorry for being wordy.

Jan 4, 2007 6:03 AM

Pink :

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Have you figured it out yet?
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Obviously, she was beginning to have deeper feelings for you. I'm sure that alerted her to a danger she might not have wanted to face. It's the old, To be or not to be. problem of life. Too bad. It looks like the two of you could have had a good go together.
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It's too damned bad you have to be so careful who you fall in with, isn't it?
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I had something like that happen to me many years ago. Too bad.
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Here's a link to a great little book on the subject:
http://www.amazon.com/Little-Prince-Antoine-Saint-Exup%C3%A9ry/dp/0156012 197
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The book is in your local library. You won't be sorry you read it and you can read it in one sitting.
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:)
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Jan 4, 2007 7:15 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Yes, she was probably dealing with deeper feelings for you ("I love you" is strong for friends!). Maybe she decided it wasn't good for her marriage, to be so close to you.

Have you asked her why she's ignoring you?

It sounds like you really wanted to help and befriend her - I'm sorry you got hurt. Friendships can be tricky, especially with married people. She doesn't sound happy or content with her life, isn't always a strong foundation for a good friendship.

Jan 4, 2007 5:56 PM

butch dorris :

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your opinion but this whole episode in my life has thrown in a monkey wrench! I don't think that was totally but could be a part that I never thought of it because I have been ignored for the past 2 months. I don't think it is something that I have done but have been beating myself up for it but instead I think the problem may lie more with and it could be exactly what you said. It still hurts and like they say time will heal. At one point, she had me thinking to leave everything I had for her but as time went on I could see the signs of our relationship drifting away and I was afraid of that.

Jan 4, 2007 6:12 PM

butch dorris :

Thank you for your reply.
I have wondered about that myself and was feeling that might be one of the reasons for being distant at times.
I am afraid to ask because it has been 2 months since we have spoke to each other and yesterday was the first time I have said hello to her with a smile and a response returned. Trust me, I want to ask but since we haven't spoke in such a long time and she hasn't made an attempt eiher it makes me think that our frienship was one-sided with myself being the giver only.It seems that she just needed me to brush her ego and also I feel that she might be selfish. I hate to think that way because I have never been treated like this before. You are right friendships are tricky and to be honest she has built a reputation at work for not being very nice and asked me on a number of times why people don't like her. I guess I was blind to the situation at the time but now that I have personally experienced this I now know why some said that about her. I'm always one to form my own opinion about a person because you never know, but in this case I should have listened.

Thanks again. It helps to get this out and get an opinion.

Jan 5, 2007 6:45 AM

Pink :

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Certainly it hurts and I feel your pain. In fact, I think it is a major problem for us as we march into the twenty-first century--it looks like you've wrapped your arms around it and has bitten you back.
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How do you get over it? How does anyone get over it? Some people refer to the process you are in as distancing.
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I see it as part of the institutional dysfunction that is present in our society.
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Can people just be friends?
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Jan 5, 2007 12:47 PM

butch dorris :

I think so but sometimes and in this situation the line was crossed. There was flirtation where I was vulnerable and thought there something more. But I now understand the distancing phase and it makes me wonder if that is where she is too. The thoughts of going up to her and asking why but I know it best at this point to keep my distance and just be cordial and say hello and keep going if we cross paths.
I really do appreciate the inputs.
Have a nice weekend!

Jan 5, 2007 4:23 PM

Pink :

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Okay, here goes.
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Do you want to breech the gap?
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I can show you how.
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Jan 5, 2007 6:58 PM

butch dorris :

Sure, but I may not know exactly what you mean by "breech the gap". I am not familair with that term. Sorry, but can you explain?

Jan 6, 2007 6:48 AM

Pink :

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Like a bridge.
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You must, first, make your intentions clearly known--not only to the other; but, even more important--to yourself. You have to be completely honest with yourself.
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Tough job.
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Jan 6, 2007 9:54 AM

butch dorris :

It does sound tough. I am willing to give it a try but also cautious in the same manner. How do I do this?

Jan 6, 2007 5:07 PM

Pink :

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Look in the mirror long and deep.
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Talk to yourself.
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Be sure you answer and if you don't like the answers, tell yourself. If you think you might be lying? Tell yourself that you think you might be lying. Have you ever had an argument with yourself?
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Jan 7, 2007 1:19 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I asked my husband that question, and he said, "All the time." Me, too! From whether to indulge in another chocolate chip cookie, speed with kids in the car, or steal office supplies.

Don't we all argue with ourselves, as often as hourly?

Jan 7, 2007 1:22 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

To continue with bd1961's thread: if you're not comfortable talking to yourself in the mirror (I'd feel foolish at first, but could get used to it, I think) - you could also write down your discussion and thoughts.

I read somewhere that you have to "let yourself know what you know." I think Martha Beck advises that.

Jan 7, 2007 1:37 PM

Pink :

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And,
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then
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gasp
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You have to accept yourself.
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Don't you think rejecting who and what we are is the biggest lie and it does the most damage not only to us but to the others in our life as well? Accepting me for who I am is a big job.
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How can we live in the same skin with a person we reject?
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Do you know how many people deny their own self?
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Jan 8, 2007 6:21 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I think I see how it happens, denying your own self. We watched Brokeback Mountain last night, and there was LOTS of self-denial there: the two main characters, the wives....the denial was on several levels, not just homosexuality.

It seems impossibly difficult to accept who you are, and be who you are in our world.

Jan 9, 2007 6:37 PM

butch dorris :

I think I would feel foolish, especially when sometimes I don't like what I see. So, I think I would prefer to write. Do I write about my situation and how I feel like if I am talking to her or what do I write about. That is what is confusing to me. Maybe I could get a push in the right direction...or just a nudge will do. :)

Jan 9, 2007 6:54 PM

butch dorris :

Here's the recent dilemma in my situation. This week I have crossed paths several times with my "friend". Today, I saw her at the vending machine getting a snack so I said "good morning" and helped her get the snack out of the machine because it looked like her back was bohtering her. She said thanks and I walked off. Later I had to take some information to her desk and I handed it to her and she barely agnologed me and tossed it to the side without saying a word. Later in the day I get an email from her asking a question but starting off with a friendly "Hi"... I replied back to answer her question but did ask "how are you?" and would like to talk."
Whas this wrong and does it still show I'm vulnerable?It has been over 2 months since we held a conversation other than saying "hi". I'm trying to break the ice but don't know if it is the right thing to do.

Jan 10, 2007 6:50 AM

Pink :

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Sounds to me as though you have been bitten and that you are smitten.
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:)
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Jan 10, 2007 9:05 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Did she respond to your request to talk?

Women really are hard to read! Speaking as one, I know that not only is it hard on the men in our life, it's also hard on our own selves. We're full of emotions and hormones and complex thoughts, which we don't understand. I for one wish I was more like my husband, who's usually on an even keel.

But it's different with you, bd1961, since you're colleagues and not married.

If she doesn't want to talk, I guess you just need to let it go. What else can you do?

Jan 13, 2007 7:34 AM

butch dorris :

You know, I have heard that before but didn't know what it meant. So being curious, I looked it up. sure enough. I admit that I am "smitten". At this point, I can se clearly that I need to let go and "unsmitten" myself. I know it isn't a real word but it is something I need to do.
Thank you so much for helping.

Jan 13, 2007 7:44 AM

butch dorris :

She did end up replying to my email with an "I'm ok" and that was it. she did ask how I was and I said not that great. And she replied back with a "what's up?". So I don't know if that was her attempt to start back up or what. I didn't get a chance to reply and noticed she has been out. I would like to reply with what is really on my mind because I want to let her know how much she has hurt me but part of me just wants to let it go. From what I learned in the past and your help it seems that she probably wouldn't care anyway. Its a hard decision. I should tell her that I am dealing with a loss of a friend...

Jan 13, 2007 8:28 AM

Pink :

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So, now you know that you are smitten.
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That's not a bad thing particularly. In fact, it can be extra great.
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Can you handle it if she rejects you flat out? If you aren't getting any signals to continue, accept it and leave the lady alone. She'll let you know if she wants more from you. No sense in both of you suffering.
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Jan 17, 2007 3:30 AM

butch dorris :

That's what I am dealing with. Time will only tell. I think I have started to move on. Thanks for your help. I'll keep in touch.
thanks again.

Jan 17, 2007 7:37 AM

Pink :

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Maybe she brought a little light and some joy into your being.
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And, that's great.
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Jan 17, 2007 3:51 PM

butch dorris :

Yes, she did and I did feel special that someone could pay attention to me like that. I just was wishing for more and thought one time she did too. After talking to other friends at work that were concerned that I wasn't myself asked what was going on. So I told them and I knew it was in confidence. They explained to me that that knew more about her and that I wasn't the first one either male or female that she did this to. So now it makes me think that it was a good thing to end the relationship. Although she hurt me and broke my heart, I will never forget her.
Thanks again. You have been very nice to listen and give me some great suggestions.

Jan 17, 2007 4:21 PM

Pink :

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I've been there.
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:)
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Jan 18, 2007 9:58 AM

butch dorris :

I tried. apologizing and still no response. So I guess this is the rejection phase. I have already started to accept it but was hoping it was a phase or maybe her needing the space. You are right. when she wants to talk or come back....she'll let me know. and yes, no sense on suffering. You can't make someone your friend no matter how bad you want it.

Jan 18, 2007 10:22 AM

Pink :

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And, maybe she's looking for something that she hasn't yet found.
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I was out to sea once on the Atlantic. I was a Marine and on watch duty one dark and stormy night. I looked out over that horizon and saw a set of lights. It was another ship. It soon faded beyond the swells and was no longer visable.
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Ships that pass in the night.
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Jan 18, 2007 8:18 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Why are you so intent on making her your friend? Was it a great friendship?

Jan 19, 2007 4:15 PM

butch dorris :

I really don't know now.I think it may have been more of a one-sided friendship and that she just needed my attention for her ego. I really don't know if this is true or not. As I look back, there were the signs...not giving me the time to talk...not replying to my emails and so on. During the whole time before the rejection phase started and when we were "Friends", I fell in Love with her and part of me still does. She is the woman I always dreamed about...the picture in my mind of the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life together with. A "new beginning". But now I see that it isn't so. I feel almost like I was used in an emotional way. I guess I have never been rejected like this before in my life and that is why I feel like I need some kind of satisfaction or at least a closure because I haven't reached that because of the non-communication.
So, I am feeling more as time goes by that is wasn't that Great and the intentions of re-kindling a friendship is gone.
I was told months ago that they saw she really doesn't care and doesn't want to be my friend but I refused to listen. Now, looking back I should have listened because the one who told me was a Real Friend and I actually don't need the other one.
You know, this really helps to write and get it out.
Thanks!

Jan 25, 2007 6:05 PM

butch dorris :

OK. You have given me some good advice. I truly appreciate it. Here's the latest. I was confronted by my friend. She actually followed me down the stairs at work the other day and prompted a conversation. So I asked why we have been not talking to each other. She told me that we both knew why. I proceeded to tell her that she hurt me and broke my heart and that I have felt bad about the whole ordeal. I told her that I have tried to apologize but I never received a response from her. She told me that she was sorry and felt bad too. She even told me that there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think about this also. We talked for a few minutes and she hugged me twice. I told her that I needed to talk to her some more and she that she wanted to. It was like a huge burden was lifted off my chest after our conversation. Me being the emotional and sympathetic person that I am, I sent her an email saying that I thanked her for listening and understanding and that I was glad we were able to break down the barrier that came between us. She replied back to me saying she was happy too and that we needed to talk. I asked her if I could call and talk after work. She told me that she would let me know. That will be tomorrow. I just want to follow up on what could be said at the time.
Was I wrong? It seems like she followed me for the confrontation and wants to continue the friendship...I don't know.

Jan 26, 2007 7:09 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I think you were right to email and thank her; that was a caring, thoughtful thing to do. You shared your honest thoughts and feelings - good for you!

I think you have to decide what kind of friendship you're willing to embark on, and whether you can trust her to uphold her end of the friendship. She seems to have alot going on in her life -- can she maintain a friendship at the level you want? And, do you want to try again at frienship with her?

A huge aspect is her relationship with her husband. Is he comfortable with this, and is she?

I'm almost never a proponent on holding back, but in your case I think it'd be wise to withdraw a little - emotionally - until you know what she's willing to offer. Test the waters. Decide what kind of frienship you'd like to have with her and if she's up for it. Be prepared to let her go.

And, maybe you have to accept that she's emotional and seems to have a bit of an unstable existence -- and you're along for the ride, if that's what you decide!

As far as what to say to her, I'd share your confusion, frustration, and pain over the past few weeks. If you decide to pull back a little, I'd share that too. I'd also ask her what prompted her to act that way, and ask if she's interested in friendship with you - and what kind. Office acquaintences? Drinking buddies? Lunch dates?

Let us know how it goes, and what your thoughts are going into it....

Jan 26, 2007 5:57 PM

butch dorris :

Well. Here goes nothing... Earlier today I asked her if she would like me to call her when she got home. She replied with a yes, you can call me. So I ws thinking she still cared and wanted to hear more from me. I called her and we talked for way over an hour. We discussed more why we stayed out of touch and how that time had hurt both of us. She told me that it made her happy that we were talking again. My only fear at the time was to express my true feelings which I needed to get off my chest. I told her about the attraction. She also finds me attractive but knows that we can't do anything about it. I told her that I have never had another women treat me the way she did and that I am very vulnerable and was thinking at the time she wasn't happy in her marriage and that maybe there was something between us. I even told her that she would be the one tha I would love to spend th erest of my life with. She told me that she was sorry that I was confused and she was sending me mixed signals.She told me that she had an affair years ago and it made her feel horrible. I told her I wanted to know what it would feel like to be with her intimately and she said that the feeling may sound good at the time but once you engage in it that it really doesn't. She told me that she loves her husband and that there can't be anything like what I was feeling between us.
I told her that I understood but I did tell her that even though we got our feelings finally out in the open that it didn't change how I felt and I still care about her. She told me that she did also. But to keep this in a healthy situation we decided tha we need to keep our boundaries and keep this friendship at that. I told her that is probably best but it hurts me that there wasn't more.
Even though we may still be friends...I believe I lost a FRIEND on purpose.
Was this the right thing to do?? I guess I had no choice.

Jan 27, 2007 10:26 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You did what you had to do, you said what was on your mind and in your heart -- and that's never the wrong thing to do.

I haven't re-read Pink's earlier suggestions that you look in the mirror and ask yourself questions, but I keep wondering why you'd want to hook up with a married, emotionally unstable woman who loves her husband and cheated on him? I admire her long-term perspective, that being intimate may feel good in the moment but would be horrible in the long run. She's right about that, and she knows from first-hand experience.

You always have a choice! You always choose your behavior and words -- you can't choose your feelings, but you can choose whether and how you act on them. You may feel attracted to her, but she's not the right woman for you.

At least now you know, and you can move on.

Can you move on?

Jan 27, 2007 3:28 PM

Pink :

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My suggestion to the wife is that she come clean with her husband making sure he knows that she loves him and doesn't want to do anything that would interfere with that relationship.
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That will be key to the continuation or the end of the flirtation that is going on.
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Everyone must be on board--whatever.
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No lying adn no cheating. Period.
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Lying and cheating hurts the liar and the cheater more than it hurts anyone.
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Jan 28, 2007 9:53 AM

Pink :

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In other words, the woman is in the one being put in jeopardy. The guy here, has nothing to lose, unless the husband comes after him with a double barreled shot gun. And, that could happen if the deception continues. This could be a very dangerous game and I think I would be giving serious consideration for getting out while the getting out is still an option.

Jan 28, 2007 12:38 PM

butch dorris :

Now that I know. I feel better and yes I can and must move on. As for Pink's reply...I think she must be honest on Everything with her husband and she has not. That als bothers me but it shouldn't. That makes me think that our relationship wouldn't hold very long either. She is a very unstable and unhappy person after stepping back and taking a look at the whole picture.

Thanks again for your inputs. It has been a lot of help....I'll keep in touch.

Jan 28, 2007 3:30 PM

Pink :

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All I did was talk about the way things seem to me from my own personal understandings that came to me out of experience.
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Thank YOU for your considerations.
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:)
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Jan 30, 2007 6:34 PM

butch dorris :

Sometimes personal understandings help the best and this case, I think you were right on target. Its best that I move on.
Thanks pink!

Feb 3, 2007 9:07 AM

Pink :

Pass it on.

:)

Feb 3, 2007 2:32 PM

butch dorris :

Wow! The last time we talked I said that I called her and got everything out in the open. We talked for over an hour and she didn't answer her husband's call during our conversation. She even commented that she would need an excuse totell him why. So, the next week we talke a few times and I told her thanks again for talking with me. She said that she was glad we were talking again. I thought it would be a nice jesture and send her a friendly e-card since we talked. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. She sent me a reply to the card never to email her again and that I have gone overboard with the "friendship crap". Her exact words. She went on to say she is tired of the "crap" and doesn't want anyonebeing "misconstrued". I couldn't let that go and replied back with how I really felt and told her I didn't need this kind of friendship which has caused me more problems than what they are worth. I told her I was being honest and that she needs to be honest with her husband before it is too late. I'm fed up with the whole thing now. I can see now that she really didn't want to be my freind but at one time needed me to be her friend.
She is like a Dr. Jeckyll and Mrs. Hyde!
I'm glad that this friendship didn't turn into something more serious than it was to get mixed up with someone like this.

Feb 3, 2007 4:20 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

WOW is right! I'm glad you're fed up - you deserve a much more balanced, kind woman (who's single).

Hey, wait a minute - are you single or married?

Feb 4, 2007 7:21 AM

Pink :

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Hey, wait a minute - are you single or married?

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Hah hah hah!
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Good one, Laurie.
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FOMCLMAO
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Feb 5, 2007 6:20 PM

butch dorris :

Actually I found her 25 years ago and didn't realize what I had but the best thing that ever came into my life. Sometimes you have your tests or temptations in life. I'm glad I was able to get out of this situation before it was too late. With friends like I thought I had...who needs enemies. In this case they were one in the same.

Feb 6, 2007 7:51 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

"We have met the enemy and he is us," - was that Winston Churchill?

Maybe you're setting yourself up for pain, disappointment, and heartache, bd1961. Maybe you are your own worst enemy.

Feb 6, 2007 5:06 PM

butch dorris :

I probably am my worst enemy but I am past this one and will get over it. It makes me more angry and yes, disappointed that I got involved. My self-esteem has always been low and I need to work on that. Maybe that is part of the co-dependency.

Feb 7, 2007 10:29 AM

Pink :

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Ah, sweet mystery of life.
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Your self is the entity throught which you experience all of existence, time and space. The more you are able to develop yourself, the more you are able to experience.
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Your self is a pretty nice thing to have around. Think of the alternatives. :)
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Moving on is a good thing.
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Anger robs you of happiness.
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Feb 7, 2007 5:57 PM

butch dorris :

Wow! I like that pink. That is so true!!
Thanks :)

Feb 9, 2007 6:09 PM

butch dorris :

Well after months of not talking and getting the rejections, we finally talked but I guess that was a good-bye because we are back to not speaking but that is ok with me. I realized what I was looking for wasn't in her and she seems more unstable than what I ever thought. It is probably healthier this way also physically and mentally. Co-dependency is tough.

Aug 20, 2008 8:50 AM

Guest :

You know... I though I was the crazy one until I read many of the feeds here on this website.

I have been a GREAT friend to many and now I find out that I don't really have any "true" friends. I only deluded myself by believing that I actually had friends.

I have done SO MUCH for my "friends" in many, many ways... financially, and in supporting them emotionally.

I even created a Committee for over 500 resident's where many of my "friends" live, donated over $3,000. dollars to the Committee... only to find out that later that my "friends" do not appreciate my effort... even when the Committee that I founded has actually helped MANY resident's within thier community.

I don't get it.

I would give the sirt off my back... and it becomes interpreted as being "weak" on my part.

My only expectation was that I could make a difference and others would appreciate it... through actual sacrifices that I have made, and my effort to SHOW others that I am genuine and sincere.

Instead, I have become "used" (so-to-speak) in that no one actually respects or appreciates me after all. Instead, there has been an imbalance of respect, thoughtulness, caring and concern for me with regard to them and how they feel about me.

There is way to much for me to write here to explain how I know that I have no friends. It's just unbelievable... and it is so depressing.

I believe, now, that any "friend" of the idea of having "a friend" is actually an enigma. I truly doubt that "friends" actually exist.

What I used to believe was that if you love and care for others... it comes back to you.

I was foolish to belive that.

There is no way that I can trust that type of logic anymore.
I have been crushed... and my trust in "friends" has been snuffed out.

It seems that I will be destined to live the rest of my life broken and alone, as there are no "friends" in reality. I would rather live alone without friends than to ever take a chance as I once did by believing that people can actually BE a friend.

Certainly... I was a true friend. There is no doubt about it.

Now I know for sure that most people (if not all) are incapable of being a friend to someone else. It's just a fact.

Now I am cynical and can no longer be a friend.

I can be a friend only to myself, then... and I will... because I deserve that much.

Sep 17, 2008 2:10 PM

Guest :

boy oh boy.
I was friends with a co worker for 16 years. She was a chronic complainer about everything. Being friends with her was like being in a train wreck. It took me 16 LONG years to finally get up the courage to turn our relationship into a 'work only' one and I am still reeling from this decision. I saw her true colors one day not long ago when she assaulted another co-worker - kicking her in the hip area. i reported the incident and now am on the receiveing end of the 'silent' treatment. Oh well, who cares. I only wish I'd dropped her as a friend years ago. She made me feel awful even if I started out in a good mood. A real bully. She's a top money maker where I work so of course the brass aren't going to do anything about it and she even had the person she kicked say "they were only fooling around". I pray that God gives me the strength to keep this peerson at arms length from now on. Thanks for letting me blab.

Nov 28, 2008 2:47 PM

Guest :

What am I supposed to do if the only reason why I still have to be friends with this person is because I'm in the same band as him? I feel like it's impossible to do anything about this.

Nov 29, 2008 7:43 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Ending a friendship is tricky if you're together alot - playing in the same band, working in the same office, studying in the same class, etc. The only solution may be to avoid contact outside of the "have to" be together. You don't necessarily have to say that you don't want to be friends anymore (though some people will confront you if you pull back) - you might be able to just pull away gently.

Dec 4, 2008 12:24 PM

Guest :

Ok so if I'm an energy vampire I am dangerous to everyone around me and I shouldn't make friends with people? Friends are like my life! I can't imagine living without my friends! It's like the only reason I'm alive! Or am I just proving to myself that I'm an energy vmapire?

Dec 18, 2008 4:03 PM

Guest :

thank you for posting this. it is helpful.

Jan 23, 2009 8:03 AM

Guest :

i searched the term 'bad friend' after a friend of mine ( that i happen to work with as well ) let me know that she feels i would 'talk about her behind her back'. i confronted her about the fact that it hurt my feelins that she would think that, and her response to me was "well, why do you even care that i think that if its not true?" SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!? well, probably i care because i was under the impression we were better friends than that. i guess not. what is the best way to distance myself from her? i think it will be especially difficult since we work together in a small office :(

Feb 9, 2009 5:02 PM

Guest :

I had to end two "friendships" recently. They lasted a long time(one for almost 8 yrs, one only 3 years)
but I felt emotionally used for a long time. Now I'm going through some kind of natural sadness, but I won't change my mind.

Mar 16, 2009 8:26 AM

Guest :

Hi there. I really enjoyed reading your article. It truly is enlightening. I'm actually in an unhealthy friendship right now and it has brought me a lot of insecurities over the years. I've actually been debating with myself whether or not I should still stay connected with her because she is after all my "best friend" and we've been through a lot already, and to have read your article made me consider things I haven't even thought about until now. I've now made a solid decision. Thanks so much. Kudos to you!

Apr 30, 2009 2:28 PM

Guest :

I fell in love with my best friend, but in the end found out I was just getting used from the beginning. Last week I stopped receiving phone calls, and was told in person I should just "move on" with my life because they never got as attached as I did. Even though there was sex involved. Passionate sex at that. I'm at my wits end and want to die. Honestly just lay down and die. I haven't left the house in 2 days and am in tears constantly. I should have realized It was a one sided relationship from the beginning. Either that or it was just all about the sex.