Ending Friendships
When to Say Good-bye to a Bad Friend or Weak Friendship
Sometimes you lose touch with friends; other times, you deliberately cut off all contact with bad friends. Ending friendships may be necessary for personal well-being.
Drifting apart happens even when you were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes you just lose touch and move on. Other times you end friendships on purpose, especially if they're weak friendships. When you're ending a friendship, you decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact with bad friends.
Whether it's deliberate or a matter of drifting away, ending friendships can be hard to do - even if you have bad friends or they are weak friendships.
Why people end friendships: weak friendships or bad friends
Some friendships are weaker than others, which makes ending friendships easier. If they're not based on similarities or true connections, ending friendships seems inevitable. Weak friendships may not last very long, especially if the common bonds aren't authentic. Several factors can masquerade as things in common: proximity (simply living or working near one another), common friends, partners who are friends, children who are friends, or loneliness. Other friendships start in one chapter of life, and don’t easily transfer into the next chapter, such as a friendship that began in while you were married to one person, and that ended after the divorce. Then, ending friendships may not be deliberate, but rather more natural.
Other friendships – or even family relationships – are deliberately shut down because they're weak or unhealthy. Ending a friendship is a difficult, often painful decision (even with bad friends or weak friendships).
Ending friendships if you have bad friends. You might consider ending a friendship if:
- You don’t feel respected, and your friend doesn’t seem to hear your concerns. For instance, if they may be constantly late meeting you and then disregard your feelings. Or they borrow money and neglect to repay it, or borrow items and return them broken or not at all. Ending friendships may be healthier for you.
- You can’t speak your mind honestly, or can’t find space in the conversation to speak at all (healthy boundaries don't exist). Ending friendships may be the honest way to live.
- You leave your visits feeling depressed, frustrated, exhausted, depleted or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful. A bad friend makes you feel bad.
- Your friend behaves immorally, unethically, illegally, or in any way that runs counter to your beliefs and values. Ending friendships may be the best thing for both of you.
- Your friend never makes the effort to call or visit you. You find yourself reaching out, with minimal success. Sometimes you don't even need to formally end a friendship with bad friends, it just happens naturally. Weak friendships often die a natural death.
- You're friends with an energy vampire (a type of bad friend). Ending friendships could protect your well-being.
Ending Friendships Because of Unmet Expectations. A huge part of any relationship is expectations. If you expect your friend to meet you promptly every time, then when you’re kept waiting you’ll be disappointed. This isn't necessarily a bad friend or weak friendship. If you know you'll have to wait and even bring a book or your laptop, then you may not feel disrespected or frustrated. All friendships require concessions, exceptions and loving forgiveness. Ending friendships shouldn't be an automatic solution.
Ending Friendships: Your Perspective. Another aspect of all relationships is your view of the issues. Is tardiness a sign of a bad friend or simple disorganization? Is “immoral” behavior universally wrong (selling crystal meth to 12 year olds) or a matter of opinion (Christians shouldn’t drink wine)? Take an objective look at your friendship; do the benefits outweigh the negatives? If you're considering ending a friendship, consider the whole relationship.
When the quality of the friendship outweighs the perceived misdemeanors, then hold on to your friend – good ones are hard to find. But, if the friendship involves more struggle and frustration than connection and joy, then it may be time to say good-bye for good to a bad friend. Ending friendships can protect your health and well-being.
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