People learn best through trial and error; by making mistakes and then making course corrections until they achieve success. Yet some people get stuck in life as though caught in a sticky, black tar that prevents them from moving forward to experience joy and freedom. Somewhere in life they have become ensnared by toxic shame.
Letting Go of Toxic Shame
The first step in letting go of toxic shame is to identify where those emotions originated. Feeling ashamed can usually be traced back to childhood where a person was repeatedly ridiculed or humiliated for making a simple mistake or innocently doing something that went against the social norms of the day. The child then grows up with a core belief that they are inherently wrong or bad and hence the underlying feeling of shame. Some people may then go on to act out shameful behaviors as adults, to unconsciously justify their core beliefs of unworthiness.
As a person remembers the times when they were shamed by a family member, teacher or peer, they can begin to separate themselves from the experience by viewing it as a movie being played out on a screen in front of them. They can then see clearly that their childhood behavior was based in innocence or immaturity, not in anything inherently bad or nasty. It becomes evident that the shame originated from the other person's judgment and reaction.
Just seeing this truth allows a release to occur. Emotions of sadness or anger at being ridiculed might surface, so it is helpful to feel these and allow them to process and release. Then the freedom begins, as the individual begins to move away from feelings of shame.
Free Yourself from Feeling Ashamed
As the origin of toxic shame surfaces and old feelings are processed, it is helpful to actively nurture the wounded child that still lives within. Doing inner child work, which involves opening a dialogue with the tender, wounded part of oneself, is very healing. It can be done in a couple of ways. One way is to write a letter to the wounded child and then have the child write back (sometimes using the non-dominant hand to write from the child's perspective is useful). Asking the child how he or she feels and repeatedly telling them that they are wonderful and loved restores natural feelings of joy.
Another way to communicate to the inner child is through the imagination. Visualizing them standing nearby and inviting them to snuggle is nurturing. Checking in each day to see what the inner child would enjoy doing, then following through with the suggested activities builds trust. It may be something as simple as stopping for an ice cream cone or visiting the beach to collect shells. Over time, the wounded child returns to his/her natural state of worthiness and merges into a whole, balanced adult where happiness and success are easily attained.
As new mistakes are made, feelings of embarrassment release as soon as they arise. There is no deep sense of feeling ashamed as the toxic shame has been sloughed off and replaced with self-love and compassion.
To further free yourself from toxic shame, read Feeling Good Enough about Yourself and How to Love Yourself.
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