Letting go of your past includes dealing with death, divorce, or loss. Here's suggestions for facing your failures, saying good-bye, and moving on.
Letting go of your past – whether it's quitting an addictive relationship or grieving a death – can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Even if it was a painful relationship and you had to let go of your past for your own sanity, you still may struggle with saying good-bye.
It's not easy, but there are practical ways to let go of your past and move on. Before you delve into letting go and saying good-bye to your past, however, you may need to face your memories and experiences. If you're dealing with your mistakes, you'll certainly have to accept responsibility for your actions.
Six Steps to Letting Go of Your Past:
Write, talk, draw, paint, or otherwise tap into your thoughts and memories. Letting go of your past means honoring your memories.
Let go of the emotions and feelings of painful memories by letting them wash over you – you'll feel horrible during, but relieved and peaceful afterwards. Let go of your past by reliving it.
Go back and talk to the people involved, if possible. Letting go of your past can mean going back.
Share your real feelings; confess if it's appropriate. Letting go of your past means expressing your emotions. If you have to deal with your mistakes, then own up to your shame or guilt.
Apologize and ask forgiveness if you need to. Letting go of your past means being vulnerable.
Get help with uncontrollable urges to overeat, get stoned or drunk, or otherwise hurt yourself. Letting go of your past means burying your pride.
Letting go of loved ones – whether it's a divorced spouse, dead child, estranged brother, or euthanized pet – is difficult to do. Letting go of your past requires effort and energy, but your own strength and courage will kick in. You'll not only survive, you'll be wiser, more peaceful, and more centered than before if you learn to let go of your past.
What is letting go of your past?
Letting go of your past means accepting that there's nothing you can do to change the past. You did the best you could. When you're facing your failures, know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were to go back, you couldn't do anything differently because that's who you were and that's what you knew then. It's done. Let go of your past.
Letting go of your past means forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Ruminating on what you could've or should've done is ineffective and unhealthy. If you're dealing with your mistakes or facing your failures, try to forgive yourself.
Letting go of your past means being aware of your thoughts. When you find yourself dwelling or obsessing over the past or the person you lost, gently draw your thoughts back to the present. Let go of your obsession, whether it's an addictive relationship or lost child.
Letting go of your past means trusting the nature of time. You will heal and move on. Your wound will slowly close up and soon only a faint scar will remain - if you let go of your past.
Letting go of your past means making new connections with people. You don't necessarily have to make a whole new set of friends; you can initiate a new type of friendship with a colleague or invite a neighbor over for coffee. If you talk about facing your failures, you'll be better able to actually face your failures.
Letting go of your past means seeking balance in your conversations. It's important to vent and share your pain and sadness, and it's equally important to show your interest in other people's lives. Letting go of your past means letting go of yourself.
Letting go of your past means exploring a new world. Take a new course at the community college or start a new hobby. To let go of the past, start looking in new directions!
Letting go of your past means volunteering your time. There are hundreds of interesting opportunities that will help you say good-bye to the past. Visit a volunteer website or centre in your city. Move out of your comfort zone: if you're a mom and wife, try building a Habitat for Humanity home or spending time with seniors.
When you're letting go of an ex-partner, you should seriously consider whether it's wise to spend time together -- or if you should let go altogether. Maybe you're still in love, or were abused, and have confused thoughts and feelings. Taking a break may be the wisest course of action -- and so might be totally letting go.
If you found Letting Go of Your Past: How to Deal With Your Mistakes and Move On helpful, you might try:
The copyright of the article Letting Go Of Your Past in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Letting Go Of Your Past in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
The person I had started a relationship with, is/was so defined by
everything and everyone, from his past, that...I could not stay with him.
The past was creating so many knee-jerk reactions to almost every aspect of
what we were beginning. I tried so hard to facilitate a healthy, happy new
life with the two of us...but over, and over again...the demons of his
prior relationships kept rearing their ugly heads! Oh, we are in our late
50s, (not children) and both fun, intelligent people, who reunited, at a
reunion, of all things. Sounds great on paper, after a load of emails;
texts; phone calls; got together...yikes, out of the woodwork, march the
exes...and the negative-every-other word-I say-triggers somes
shrieking-border-line 911(HELP), crazy reactions...WHAT??? From a
mountain-man with a degree, CEO of a company...Shakespeare reading,
writing-poetry-to-me...Renaissance man, to a raving lunatic! I am by no
means saying that I am perfect...but I am not bogged down by the past...to
me it belongs there...in the past. I am all about the present and future, I
love to laugh. and have fun, and have lived all over the world, so am
capable of holding my own conversationally. My big thing is gourmet
cooking, and I used to be a model, so not too hard on the eyes...I just
don't get this guy? Without sounding too simplistic....don't we all have
choices? Drag the garbage of our past into our now, and learn from it, then
move along? Sorry to have gone on, just got off the plane...returned from
what was to be a wonderful time...I had to leave early, I like myself too
much to be treated with such disrespect. The sad part is I feel worse for
him, I can walk away...Thanks, A
Nov 5, 2008 11:55 AM
Guest :
I know where he is and I also know it's so unhealthy. I'm trying
deperately to let go of past pain but it continues to control my life.
It's no wonder it affected your relationship because when one person is
going through this, the other person can only deal with so much before they
have to move on. I tried being in a relationship but I finally ended it
after 6 months because I realized I was still in so much pain that I was
really hiding behind this new relationship just to avoid dealing with it.
I am now in therapy and am trying to let go not only of the people
involved, but the pain and self blame that has me in agony ever day of my
life. It's very difficult and requires more self dicipline than I
currently have but I will get there. And while I'm going through this, I
have to accept that a relationship with someone is not possible and not
wise. I lean on my friends when I can and I'm trying a lot of the things
this article suggests. I've confronted my memories and I've tried to talk
to the partner I lost but she will not speak with me. She was very abusive
in our relationship and has the kind of personality that would probably
only cause me more pain if we did speak. I have gone over and over the
mistakes I've made until I'm sick and it's time to forgive myself and stop
taking all the blame. After all, she never apologized for her abusive
behavior and most likely never will so I'm letting myself off the hook for
my mistakes. Now, I just have to let go of the hurt and the shame that
comes from being the one who has had such a hard time letting go.
Nov 18, 2008 4:09 AM
Guest :
Well I am in a situation where I have to let go - not because there was
something wrong with the person/relationship but I was with someone who had
never thought he would be in a relationship cos the thought of being
married etc was never part of his grand plan for himself - that plan had a
pause in it when he decided to take that chance with me and then felt the
need to go back to just being single -not because of anything I did/didnt
do but because he just needed to be unattached for himself...this has been
a first of a kind experience for me and made it that much harder...as time
goes on I guess I will heal - but my faith in trying to be in a
relationship has definitely been shaken!!!
Nov 21, 2008 1:33 AM
Guest :
Guest, I lost my husband aged 37 17 years ago having had a rare form
of cancer for 3 years and was left with 3 young children to bring up plus
serious finacial difficulties .My father was a great support but sadly died
suddenly 6 months later .Was devastated yet again as for the rest of my
family mother,brother sister got nothing other than bullying from them
wanting me to do what they wanted with property ,land i had .got no support
emotionally from them whatsoever I always put my darling children first and
was a good mother to them however there were times i was paralysed with
fear and got so deppressed .I remarried a wonderful man 3 years later who
has been my rock through thick and thin plus my best friend who kept
telling me what my family was like but did not want to believe it without
them i would be 6 feet under.After taking so much hurt and put downs from
my family more so after my children finished uni with degrees and they got
not once of credit from my family A well done would have been nice but
never came . I consider myself a very caring loving person who got no
love care or support from my family and found this so hard to take . 2
years ago plucked up the courage to write to my mother ,sister and brother
,crying out for help and for family to be united RESPONSE got accused of
telling lies (i dont think so )obviously the truth hurt and for my sanity
walked away .Then came the guilt from me .My sister over the years was
always on the end of the phone putting me down but never face to face
twisted my mothers head then turned my younger brother against me who i was
always close to and tried to protect him from doing to him what they did to
me however no disrespect to him but he has not got the capacity to stop
them controlling him as he is terrified from them and they had to get him
away from me as i was advising him they were doing the same to him.Never in
my life have i felt so much rejection pain was so intense i felt suicidal
.I hold my hands up here took to drink and gambling as an escape .Wow what
a mistake .The shame i felt could not put into words seeked help through
couselling in which has been wonderful and i have finally got the picture
although taken a lot of years .Never in my life would i have ever thought a
family would behave like this Now realise it was all to do with greed and
money on their part wanting what i had.Now put the past behind me and
moving on .I want no more to do with them and thank god i still have my
sanity
Nov 28, 2008 12:17 AM
Guest :
First thank you so much for this article im so overwhelmed to know that i
have something to read like this. I have a very - very bad past.. its not
easy to let go.. because its not only past its still until now.. I have a
very - very disfunctional family. my parents are terrible specially my
mother who is from the start abuse not only my emotional but also phyical.
additional to that is the experience of mine to the first man and happen to
be the father of my first daughter and cheat me. then my parents take my
child during the time i was in abroad and cant do anything, its like
blackmaling they have my child and i have to send money always which is
normal" but i send to much and when i send money, they still tell me
im nothing but a piece of shit, they talk a loooooot, a lot of very bad
words that i almost wanna kill my self, because they are the one who put me
on this situation., i dont know exactly how i can tell the whole story, but
really i have a real bad hard time to my own parents. additional to that is
the second man who take for granted on me, happen to be the father of my
second child, he lied to me he is married but too late to know because i
already give birth to our son before i found out that he still married. i
separated to him again. and now my daughter is in her 15 and now telling me
i am a bad mother... me who is the only one whos working for my two
children because i got no help from their fathers. I got a terrible bad
life, experience from parents, brother & sisters, fathers of my kids
and now my own kids.. somethimes i wanna kill my self, i did all my best
for all of them, but they are all putting me very - very down.. i know im
not bad i know i can not do everything but i know i can do my very best.. I
know I need help. please help some advice
Nov 28, 2008 6:45 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry to hear about how tough you've had it! One of the best ways
to let go of the past is to distance yourself from negative, manipulative,
destructive, controlling, bitter, mean people. If you can avoid seeing
people like that, you'll be a whole lot better off. Surround yourself with
people who support, love, respect, and like you. If you don't have friends
like that, then try getting support from a local distress line or women's
shelter.....it's just really hard to pull yourself into a better life
alone!
And, trust your gut. You know you're not a bad person,
and you know you're doing the best you can! So what if you've made mistakes
- we all have. But, successful people don't keep making the same mistakes.
You do need help -- we ALL do. Where can you get help? I don't
know because I'm not in your town or city -- but I do know that most towns
and cities have social services-type help. If you don't have friends who
can help, contact social services or a support group of some kind.
Sorry I can't be more helpful - but please do reach out for help!
Dec 22, 2008 7:55 AM
Guest :
How do you deal with dating a divorcee????
Jan 23, 2009 8:27 PM
Guest :
I come from what was an extremely dysfunctional family. My mother passed
away when we were young, leaving behind six children ages 5 through 15.
While my two older sisters had a fine relationship with my father, the rest
of us barely knew him, other than the fact that he was constantly beating
on my mother. He always worked in a different city, so for the most part we
lived with my mum only. This changed after my she passed away, and i think
that's when all my problems began. My father was extremely harsh and
controlling, and did not entertain any questions. As long as he paid for
school and put food on the table, he thought he had done enough. The the 4
of us were terribly scared of him and would run to our rooms whenever he
came home. I barely remember holding any conversations with him, except
when I was getting reprimanded. 3 years after my mother died my father
remarried a young lady - 19 years in his junior, and only six years older
than my oldest sibling. when we went to here with a problem, she would say
things like "I am not here for you. I am here for my husband and my
children" (my step-sisters). My father sent me and my younger siblings
to boarding school at an early age, and this only served to create a bigger
divide between him and us. I was a sterling student while in elementary
school, at the top of my class every term, but somehow when I went to
secondary school in my teens i performed really poor, sometimes ending up
at the bottom of my class. i am now in my thirties and i find and only
starting to appreciate the effect that environment had on me. I have
serious self-esteem issues, have no confidence in myself, always wanting
others' reassurance, never able to make decisions on my own and i
constantly find myself in bad and abusive relationships. I am angry at the
fact that somehow or other my childhood was destroyed and now I carry these
issues around with me. I feel anger at my father and stepmother, but at the
same time i feel guilty for feeling this way. My younger sister disappeared
5 years ago, never to be heard from again, and I know she probably is
fighting the same things I am. I think of seeking professional help, but
the thought of it is overwhelming.
Jan 25, 2009 8:19 AM
Guest :
I love the article. I ended an eight year long distance relationship. It
was painful. He is in the time of his life and he can't handle having too
many stressful things to deal with aside from his job. He still
communicates with me and we still exchange sweet words. I know I love him
so much and he had been very vocal about his love for me but we're both
willing to move on. The thing is we both changed. There were times that
he'll pour out his stress on me and I fekt really disrespected. He is not
aware when he does that and that's a sad fact. I've been with him in a time
wherein the world was against him. I felt tired of the stress and the
frustrations and its really depressing. I strongly think that I can move
on. My brain tells me that I should let go, turn my back from him..and
don't even think of being friends with him..but my heart just wants to have
him back...and the sad part is--I don't even think I can trust him not to
hurt me again. But I'm positive I'll forget about him...I just need more
time to be stronger and leave him behind me.
Jan 29, 2009 4:07 AM
Guest :
Thank you so much for this article Laurie! I'm posting a link to your
advice on my new blog related to all aspects of self. We happen to be
focusing on this topic right now, so I appreciate your article and advice
very much. I have just published a hopefully useful eZine and everyone
is welcome to download the always free issues of ThoughtSpring in .pdf
format. Our premier issue is all about the process and/or need to "Let
Go". It truly is a process that each of us must do for our own
emotional wellness. No matter what the issue is you are holding on to. You can find it here: www.thoughtspring.org or from our
blogsite at: http://thoughtspring.wordpress.com
Feb 7, 2009 5:14 AM
Guest :
I was in a a relationship that was rocky. I have to start with, I was
bitter, mean, angry, and a realtionship was not something I had in mind. I
thought my ex was too good for me and I didn't want that, I felt in the
begining that this man would change me, but for some reason break me heart.
When in all reality..it happened. As time passed I changed for the better
of me, us, and him. I learned how to respect myself,others,not be
selfish,love,forget,I stopped drinking, I stopped cursing, I mean I can go
on about countless things I did, and how I changed. To remind you, none of
these I have done for anyone else. I wanted to change, to be differnt, to
be better, I did all these things (and I don't regret) and still lost him.
I did everything in my power to keep him, to satify him, and make him ahppy
at all times. I may have been a little stubborn at times but who really is.
He was impacient with me and leave me everytime we had a problem, in all
reality they where not big problems, I just think an easy way out, or to
control. I loved this man fully when I could and wouldn't love any man
before, I gave him my all, so how do you accept just getting over it. A
love I completly experianced and know what and how it was to actually,
fully love someone, it's had, very hard me letting go and I do not know
how. We have ended before, or seperated and I neveer, nor have been able to
get over him and I feel stupid. Why continue hurting, crying, caring, or
loving someone who doesn't for you? So many questions I want to ask and
answers I search, I know will get me nowhere but what to do? What do you do
when you actually put your all out there and then just get left, how do you
deal with that? That is where me, Veronica V Reyna, 22 from texas is at,
and ask. Anyone know?
Mar 10, 2009 4:57 PM
Guest :
My step father went into the hospital and my mother called my brother. My
brother drove all night because they were afraid my father would not
survive the night. He did survive and then they were faced with withdrawing
life support. They withdrew life support and did not call me until dad had
died. The pain of losing him was significant but the hurt of not being
called has stayed with me. My mother claims she did not have my phone
number, she had three days to get it while waiting for dad to die. When dad
died my bother called to tell with his cell phone. My mother never calls, I
call. I cannot seem to get past this hurt. It has been two years. I have
not contacted my brother since dad died and he has not contacted me. I have
had no problem losing a relationsheip with my brother. But I can't seem to
move on in reguards to my mom. If my brother is visiting her and I call I
know he is there because she will not say my name or give any indication
that it's me on the phone nor will she say "love you" when she
hangs up. From the language she uses it could be anyone of her friends
calling and she has informed them that "she has company and will talk
to them later". I need to let go of a relationship that is constantly
wounding me and on my mind daily. She does not miss me and if I do not
contact her she does not seem to have a void in her life, she doesn't even
call if I send her a gift. I call to verify she received it. How can I stop
myself from continuing with this self abuse, I need to move on.
Mar 11, 2009 7:35 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad, and for what you're going through
with your mom and brother. That's hard -- families can be the worst at
causing us pain.
I suggest talking with someone objective about
whether you should cut all ties and move on, or learn healthy coping
strategies and still maintain contact. I don't know what the best route
is, because I don't know you or your history. If you talk to a counselor,
you'll get a better grip on how to deal with your family.
It
boils down to accepting your mom for who she is, or distancing yourself -
which means not sending gifts or calling regularly. Either way - whichever
you choose to do - you need to deal with your past pain, disappointment,
and feelings of betrayal.
Seeing a counselor doesn't have to be
expensive or long-term. Sometimes people go for just one session, or a few
weeks! I don't know what's available in your area or through the company
you work for, but I encourage you to take advantage of the in-person help
that's out there, so you can move on and build healthy relationships with
people.
Warm wishes, Laurie
Apr 19, 2009 7:03 PM
Guest :
Thank you for this. I don't know if you will ever realize how much this is
helping me. I read it every time I feel I cannot deal. You are amazing;
understand that you have ultimately helped my life. Sincerely, thank
you.
Apr 19, 2009 7:50 PM
Guest :
Back in high school, I had a friend whom i considered to be everything and
did many things for. And by things, very stupid things. Now i look back and
wonder why the hell did i put my family and old childhood friends though
all that pain for one person who always hurt me in the end and never quite
cared..? Even though my family pretty dysfunctional, i can't ever excuse
myself for what I've done to them. Some things happened that can't be
forgiven and i blame myself for being an idiot back then. I still haven't
moved on and i wished i could change everything that happened and somehow
make-up for the things I've done to those who loved me because of her, but
i really can't. After reading this though, i finally accept that and I'm
feeling a bit lighter already. So thank you so much...! - Brenda A.
May 25, 2009 8:59 PM
Guest :
im a young adult and is quite struggling right now..im a bit insecure right
now with my friend who is more beautiful, more intelligent, more favorable
by many than me,,(i believe that i am pretty, intelligent and truly favored
by many..=))its just that i think that she's way better. i know that im not
perfect and someone will always be better than us.. she's not the issue
here..its my self esteem.im confused because ever since, i thought that i
was confident and my friends even say that i have a high self
esteem..that's what i also believed before i had my "friend" in
my life..im really confused..;( your articles helped me a bit..i hope
that it will really work on me and help me beat my insecurities..hope you
also continue posting articles that will help many during their identity
cnfusion stage.. arigato gosaimasu..=)
May 26, 2009 7:53 PM
Guest :
I am at a place in my life where I want so badly to move on... But for some
reason I just can't let go of the past. I have been through several years
of therapy and I know what I should be doing but I find it so hard to put
the thoughts into action and truly move on. I have been through more
than most people go through their entire life and I am 28 years old. From
being molested as a child, having the father of my son murdered, 2 of my
children being molested, health problems, family problems, intimacey
issues, the list goes on and on. I don't know how to let it all
go!!! I am going to college now, I want to be a therapist. Actually I want to work directly with children that have been through
traumatic events. How do I reach this goal if I can't let go of my own
past. It haunts me everyday, it effects my everyday life. The
relationship I have with my husband, my children, my family, my friends,
people that I have only just met! How do I let it all go? Why does it have
to be so difficult? I am so angry, and sad, enraged, guilty, confused, I
feel condemmed to this hell on earth. Nomatter what I do I can't let it go.
I guess inside I'm still that scared little girl that I don't trust because
I couldn't protect myself or my children. How do you forgive others when
you can't forgive yourself? When does the vicious cycle end? When do
we stop repeating the past, when do we stop living in the past? The
only answer I can come up with is..... When we're truly ready to
accept the past and embrace it. But then, how do we embrace something
so terrifying? I have been through a whole lot in my short life, but
this.... the past... embracing it... letting it go... it's the hardest
thing I've ever been through.
Jun 22, 2009 6:37 AM
Guest :
I ran a search through yahoo for 'psychology in depression', because I have
no other clue as to why I can not move on. Your words are what they are,
and have not seemed to help my situation. It is easy to understand how you
have helped many of the minds in women who have come through. I respect
you for that. I am not a brilliant man, but I have enough life experience
to understand how to look at things with an open mind, and do.
Maybe writing this will help me review why I am where I am, and could be
categorized as 'self-help'. Therefore, I will write it freely. Maybe
further help will be needed as well, but here it is;
Novels and
films involving greatly expressed emotion and 'heart-felt' stories are at
the top of my interest. For example: Love in the Time of Cholera by
Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Letters for Emily by Cameron Wright, and the film
Message in a Bottle. When I am finished reading or watching I commonly
imagine curling up on the futon with her in my arms. I imagine sharing
everything I read and felt while I read. In this imaginary thought she
wants nothing more than to hear more, and hold me closer. I imagine her
joining me at the symphony around christmas time, holding her closely to
provide her with warmth as we exit into the snowy delight outside. I feel
her walking through the downtown city lights in the evening hours with
me.
I remember standing next to her piano, watching it snow from
inside the front window. I remember opening the door to find her weeping
face after a car accident, letting her know everything was still going to
be wonderful in the life ahead. I remember her in my arms while we danced
the final song at my senior prom.
She is still why I want to be
a better man. I want to meet another 'her' again, and be the best man I
can be for her. The part I need to deal with is the fact that she is
happily married to the father of her first child. For her happiness I am
grateful, but the fact that man is not me is still killing me.
I guess what I can not figure out is how to descend her position in my
sub-conscious. I never want to forget her, but I would rather her not be
the first thought coming to mind when it snows, or when I need to hold
someone. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please share:
pyramid@8stylesphoto.com
Thank you for listening.
-Phillip
Aug 3, 2009 1:31 PM
Guest :
Hi, I just got out of a Three year relationship well at least I looked at
it as a relationship. I met my ex three years ago and we had not seen each
other since high school. I was not interested at first but as a time went
by I started to fall for him. About month later he tells me he just had a
baby but was not with the mother of the child. I accepted it and still
continued to see him. About a year later I was in LOVE. The second year was
very rocky but I didnt want to give up on the relationship. Getting into
our third year, nothing had changed. The mother of his child was still
always around and never gave up on trying to be with him. And still I would
listen to everything he would promise me. Like having a family and having a
house and a life of our own. A month before he broke things off with me, he
promised that everything would get better and that he was sorry. And
everything would change and for me to please not leave him. So I BELIEVED
every word. And was so happy that he made up his mind. A month after he
finally told me to leave him alone, OVER A TEXT MESSAGE! After three years
of putting up with him and doing everything for him. I went through so
much, stressing and crying. Having stomach problems. I cut off my whole
life to try and be with him. And he couldn't even tell me over the phone or
in person that he was done. I know I have to move on but it is so hard
everyday. Just trying to get up in the mornings is the hardest thing. I
dont know what to do. I need some advise. Thanks C
Aug 3, 2009 6:19 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry that happened to you. You invested your heart and soul in that
relationship, and he just walked away -- unbelievable, and so callous.
Now, begins the process of healing. You have to let him go and
accept that he's not the one for you. You did your best, you bent over
backwards for him, but it didn't work. It's over.
Another
reader asked the exact same question on my "Physical Signs of
Depression" article, and I'm going to point you in the same direction.
It's the best advice I have! But I can't give it here, because I want to
give you links to articles about letting go of someone you love (and links
aren't allowed here).
I wrote an article with links on my
Psychology blog; just click on my name in blue at the top of this page,
then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right
side. Scroll down to "How Do I Get Over My Ex-Boyfriend?" You can
also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel of that page.
I wish you all the best, and encourage you to visit those links
about surviving breakups. They'll help.
Laurie
Aug 31, 2009 9:27 PM
Guest :
I thank you for this sight it good stuff.I am in early recovery and am
living it and what I have read so far confirms what I am doing and that is
good.To not run,to feel ,to share,stay accountable,and I am honest,open and
willing.....
Sep 1, 2009 9:45 AM
Guest :
I know this article is meant generally for love, but I would like to talk
about the love in friendship, and how that love was ripped away from me. I
am a upcoming senior in highschool, so I obviously haven't gone through
enough. But as naive as I am, the pain is just as real. As my friends had
come over to my house not to play, but to break things off with me. It
happened so fast, and I honestly couldnt believe that this was real. After
everything that we've been through.. The talks of feeling infinite, the
crazy adventures we went through, the ceremonies to help me stop smoking, I
loved every single moment spent with them. I had genuinely loved them and
could only hope they felt the same. But they left my life just as quickly
as they had come in. Many things happened that day, but in the end we met
up that night in the playground by the neighborhood swimming pool. They
felt ashamed to have even said the things that were said hours earlier and
that I should be yelling at them. and that they would do whatever I decided
I wanted them to do, which was to either stay friends, or end it that
night. What do you say, when you're put in this miserable situation? The
simple fact that if you were a friend worth keeping, this would have never
been the problem. and that for them to even suggest that they would go with
whatever I decided on.. makes me feel like somethings not right. What do I
do?....because my heart hurts so much right now.
Sep 2, 2009 2:23 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, or what your
situation is with your friends. But it sounds like they’ve decided not to
be friends with you anymore or they’re asking you to decide if you all
should be friends….and if that’s the case, I’m very sorry to hear that.
Friendship is a very painful and difficult thing to lose – and no matter
how old you are, it’s hard to let go of friends you truly connected
with!
If they don’t want to talk to you, there’s not much you
can do. But if they’re willing to talk, I suggest asking them to be honest
about why they’re pulling away. Was it something you did, or do they just
want to end that stage of life? Sometimes people want to let us go, no
matter what we did or didn’t do. It’s a very difficult thing to accept, but
it’s just part of life.
Also, remember that all friendships
have ups and downs. Sometimes we’re close to our friends, and other times
we’re as distant or angry as we never thought we’d be! Good friendships –
real friendships – go through these ups and downs, and the friends are
closer than ever before. Some friendships are strengthened by conflict.
Perhaps you could figure out where you’d like this friendship to
go, and be honest about it with your friends. Then, take it from there,
depending on what they want.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Oct 9, 2009 8:45 AM
Guest :
I am a single mom with daughers 13 & 7. My youngest daughters father
has never been a part of her life and I am still unable to let go of the
anger and hurt I feel....1)for putting myself again in a position where I
had to be a single mom and 2)because this man should be taking care of his
child. He has other children (my daughter is the youngest) and he takes
care of them and is involved in their lives without any problems. He has
gotten married and seems to be living his life without a care in the world.
I am left holding the bag of questions that my daughter has as to why she
doesn't have a daddy. Every time I have to answer those questions, I get
very upset! I never say anything negative about her father but I wish I
could make him see what he is missing out on! He may never come around or
be the mann that she needs hime to be. How do I let this go when I will be
faced with these questions for a very long time?
Oct 12, 2009 12:47 AM
Guest :
I had a long distance relationship for nearly 1 year. We initially met
whilst living in the same city but 5 weeks after meeting he was offered a
job where he would be away for approx. 12-18 mnths, 5 hrs (1hr flight)away.
This was a good opportunity for him to clear his debts and to also learn a
different aspect of his job. We both decided that since we had an instant
connection and got along fantastically, we wanted to continue seeing each
other and try and make it work. (I have a 10yo son from a previous
relationsship). Everything was going along very well. We missed each other
terribly He was finding the work very hard and demanding. On a number of
ocassions he mentioned that he would rather be back home with myself and my
son. We saw each other every 6 weeks or so on weekends and spoke regularly
on the phone.11 months later, 2 weeks after our last time together and 3
weeks before he was due to come back he called me to tell me that he might
be getting a job offer to work away somewhere else for approx. 2-4 years.
This came as a complete surprise to me. He said that he would let me know
more in a few days. In the meantime I was left in limbo. He called 4 days
later telling me that he was offered the job and had accepted it. His
reasons for taking the job included a step up in his career as there was
not much work to come back to, he did not know if he could live with myself
and my son, this is why his marriage broke up (not the reason I was given
previously) and that we hardly spent anytime together anyway. I should
mention that when we first met he did not at any stage give me the
impression that he moved around with his work. This was a one off time. Of
course I was in total shock. One minute he was coming back, the next minute
I would never see him again. I asked him if I had the opportunity to join
him would he want me to. His reply was "I don't really have an answer
to that, too many unknowns" - in other words, NO. All I basically got
from him was "I did enjoy the times we spent together". So
basically, I am struggling to put it behind me as I believe he took the
easy way out by ending it over the phone. Regardless of the distance, I
believe he should of made the effort end it face to face, considering our
relationship did not start off long distance. Plus, he was coming back a
few days later to go an a diving tour that he had organised with friends
months beforehand.I was never given the opportunity to express my thoughts
and feelings.
Oct 17, 2009 9:36 PM
Guest :
I'm 18 years old and currently in Community College. I'm glad this article
existed because I was always going back to my past. I never had an easy
childhood and my teen years were dark and sometimes gloomy. People made fun
of me in the 6th grade up to 10th grade, my dad beats the hell out of me,
and in my senior year of high school, i got in trouble with the police. And
everytime i would go back into the past, i would get depressed. I'm trying
to recover and move on with my life, so that i can transfer to UMBC.
Oct 27, 2009 2:38 PM
Guest :
I am trying to learn the lesson that i can survive without her. She left
me, and i did everything i could these past 9 months to hold us together,
but she had other men and had no desire of being with me. i guess she
really changed from the sweet innocent girl she once was. i sure miss her,
but it's time. i'm letting go. its over. i loved her. like they say im
sure i can find someone else, but i just wish i was dead.
