I Thought It Was Just Me
Women Reclaiming Power & Courage in a Culture of Shame
In I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame Brené Brown begins by describing the difference between guilt, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. She outlines shame webs and connection networks, and discusses empathy, compassion, connection, and courage. Brown describes how personal shame fits into the larger picture of society; she teaches the benefits of critical awareness.
Brown writes about how we reject our true selves to fit in. She encourages self-acceptance, courage, compassion, & connection. She stresses the importance of seeing the connections between our personal struggles and the larger cultural issues surrounding us. She teaches us how to accept, honor, and love our true selves.
We don't talk about shame. Brown calls it a "silent epidemic."
From Brown's book, shame is:
- Feeling like an outsider – not belonging.
- Hating yourself and understanding why other people hate you too.
- Self-loathing.
- Being exposed – the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.
- Like a prison.
- An intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. (Brown's definition).
Personal stories
Brown shared a myriad of personal stories – hers, her friends', and her clients' – about how shame damages self-worth and suffocates our true selves. These fascinating stories include body image, parenting, sex, working, gossiping, and friendships. The stories are written to capture each woman's voice, which makes them interesting and real. They directly touch the reader.
Two women's stories about shame:
Shame is being married for twenty years, and never walking around naked in front of your husband – not even once.
I got pregnant when I was sixteen. The only person who knew was my sister. I didn't even tell my boyfriend. About a week after I found out, I had a miscarriage…On the way home from the doctor's office, my sister said losing the baby was the best thing the could ever have happened. That was twenty-five years ago and every year I still remember the day that would have been my baby's birthday. I knew that I was not allowed to be sad about it because I wasn't supposed to be pregnant. I'm ashamed that I got pregnant, but I'm also ashamed that I wasn't allowed to be sad. Now, when I see someone who is ashamed to be sad, I tell them how important it is to tell someone and let it out. I tell my daughters, my friends, my nieces – anyone who seems to be scared to grieve. Everyone has the right to grieve and be sad.
Moving past shame
Brené Brown provides four insightful, applicable elements about dealing with shame:
- Recognizing Shame & Understanding Triggers
- Practicing Critical Awareness
- Reaching Out
- Speaking Shame
Brown then describes courage, compassion, and connection in relation to shameful feelings.
Creating change
"Believing that we truly do have the ability to create change in our lives may seem difficult, or even impossible, at first, but it is one of the most empowering steps along the path to developing resilience." – Brené Brown
She discusses empathy, perfectionism, grounding, labels, exclusion, shame resilience, authenticity – there's so much information in this book! It's definitely one to keep on the bookshelf, to read every few years to stay real, proud, and unashamed.
Even if you're don't think you're dealing with feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame will change how you think about our North American culture. Brené Brown's research and writing will also change how you think about parenting, working, and even marriage.
"Change begins when we practice ordinary courage." – Brené Brown
