In "Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it", Gary Neuman describes why emotional cheating starts and how to reconnect with your partner. Here are the basics of infidelity.
Emotional cheating starts when couples misunderstand the fundamental rules of marriage, writes Gary Neuman in Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it. Here are the six common mistakes that lead ot lack of intimacy and emotional cheating.
Neuman states that communication is not the problem (communicating often and honestly is often stated as the best way to build a successful marriage), and says that emotional cheating is caused by squandered emotional energy.
Emotional cheating is:
Flirting "harmlessly" with people of the opposite sex.
Having lunch or drinks after work with members of the opposite sex.
Discussing your work problems thoroughly at work, leaving nothing to talk about with your spouse.
Sharing jokes and gossip with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, not with your partner.
Spending as much time buying the right gift for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your spouse.
Sharing intimate issues with people other than your partner.
This definition of emotional cheating comes from Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it by Gary Neuman.
"When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does," he says. "An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage [as a sexual affair], and often a more complicated situation to remedy."
Six Common Mistakes That Can Lead Emotional Infidelity
Couples spend too much emotional energy on people outside their marriage: friends, siblings, parents, and even children.
Couples keep an emotional distance (fear of intimacy may exist) because they don't want to need their partners too much.
Couples step on one another's toes, not sure who is responsible for what.
Couples don't consider how their past affects their current relationship.
Couples don't make time for marriage or making love.
Couples no longer focus on their partnership after children are born.
"If you change the way you relate to your spouse, then you are concretely changing the relationship," says Gary Neuman. You can reduce the likelihood of emotional cheating or emotional affairs by focusing on building a strong marriage.
Neuman's 10 Secrets to a Strong Marriage
Avoid friendships with members of the opposite sex.
Foster codependence (need for one another).
Have clear, realistic goals and a specific plan.
Define your roles.
Put your marriage before your kids, jobs, and anything else.
Appreciate your partner, don't just tolerate him or her.
Understand the connection between your childhood and your marriage.
Share your deepest, most vulnerable self during intimate moments (deal with your fear of intimacy).
Accept the many stages of love in a marriage or partnership.
Focus your energy on building a strong marriage (and you'll have no energy for emotional cheating).
If you found How Emotional Cheating Starts helpful, try:
The copyright of the article How Emotional Cheating Starts in Couples Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How Emotional Cheating Starts in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
me not having male friends would mean having no friends at all. I can't
stand other females. (for many many rasons)
Nov 20, 2008 12:17 AM
Guest :
Interesting article but my dearest and closest friend happens to be a
member of the opposite sex. We have known each other for many years now,
we confide in each other like close friends often do, we do dinners and
lunches occasionally with the full knowledge of our spouses, we are almost
always supportive of our respective spouses when we talk about them (save
for the occasional venting sessions), we enjoy each other's company
enormously, and we communicate often. While there is an admitted and
appreciated degree of intimacy in the sense that we completely trust each
other and can talk about anything and everything, it isn't a romantic
relationship. I don't believe you can paint everyone with the same brush
by stating that you can't have a close relationship with a member of the
opposite sex outside of marriage. Not giving up my friend.
Jan 19, 2009 4:44 PM
Guest :
Guest of Oct 19, if you have only male friends, it means you are a natural
flirt, and thats why other females dont like you (even though you think you
dont like them.) You like to tease and like that giddy feeling, and think
these people are your friends ... when in reality all you're doing is
keeping a stock of possible one night stands. Get help. Females that have
a lot of male "friends" and dont get along with females well ....
need to look hard in the mirror and wonder why.
If all you
can do is have male friends, it's obvious there is a sexual attraction
there that just isnt acted upon. You both go out for a couple drinks,
eventually, it was just a hug, just a kiss, just a quickie. All the while,
makes you cheap, and alone because nobody will want you.
Good
luck.
Feb 18, 2009 9:23 AM
Guest :
this a major issue mostly with fear of intimacy, regarding past childhood,
i.e abandonment issues, past bad relationships, lying about who you talk to
on your phone. Giving each other everything is key when trust involved.
this is not a reason for major break-ups. some of my friends that are girls
have good advice but they will never come close to the emotions and giving
that my love has. just exept what that, what they are giving
Feb 18, 2009 10:20 AM
Guest :
this a major issue mostly with fear of intimacy, regarding past childhood,
i.e abandonment issues, past bad relationships, lying about who you talk to
on your phone. Giving each other everything is key when trust involved.
this is not a reason for major break-ups. some of my friends that are girls
have good advice but they will never come close to the emotions and giving
that my love has. just exept what that, what they are giving
Jul 19, 2009 9:24 PM
Guest :
This article is almost complete crap. It's easily possible for members of
the opposite sex to have wonderful friendships that don't impose
difficulties on a love relationship. Much depends on each person involved,
and to break it down into a bulleted list of "rules" for all
people to follow encourages deceptive behavior and stifles trust.
Jul 31, 2009 9:08 AM
Guest :
Guest of July 19, you said "Much depends on each person
involved". To that my question is what? You have to verbalize your
expectations on what "much" is. Otherwise, the other person has
no clue as to what you are depending on them for! But, as soon as you
state your expectations, you have given a "list" of which you
said "to break it down into a bulleted list of "rules" for
all people to follow encourages deceptive behavior and stifles trust".
You cannot have it both ways. Do you expect your spouse to avoid being
alone with someone of the opposite sex? What about if they share a drink
or two together? What about if they spend "innocent" time
together on a regular basis? Pretty soon, they will cross a line and you
will take issue with it. And if you disagree, you are saying you will
never have an argument with your spouse. An argument arises when stated or
unstated expectations are not met by the other. But make no mistake, those
expectations are "rules", "bullet-points" or whatever
else you want to call them. So therefore, to have clear concise and
understood and agreed upon expectations between a couple promotes trust and
understanding. If you think you have to "sneak" around to do
what "you" want to do, then you do not truly love your spouse
more than yourself and it is just a matter of time until you both have a
falling out.
Aug 20, 2009 10:13 PM
Guest :
My ex fiance is a male special ed teacher who works with many unhappy
married women. He forms relationships with them by talking about work,
being charming, laughing at their jokes. Slowly they start talking personal
issues. One will complain about her husband, he gives advice. He seems so
nice and a great guy that they start becoming attached. Soon, they are
emailing, texting, and calling one another. Then the focus slowly turns
away from their marriage and the relationship he is in. Then they meet for
drinks because "they are just friends" and then the alcohol
slowly breaks down the "we should not be doing this" wall.
Flirting starts and then it bleeds into flirting and sexual tension at
work. When they start having an emotional bond with someone, it changes the
chemicals in their brain. They start fantasizing about each other and
comparing them, wrongly, with their partner. They don't know how the other
person is truly in their marriage/relationship because they are only
telling and showing the other person their good side. Soon, they think you
are not as good as their "friend". Thoughts of "I wish i can
talk to my wife/husband/gf/bf this way." or "I wish they were
this easy to talk to." Soon, they don't realize that they are creating
this huge wall and gap of intimacy that they are complaining is missing.
They created the monster! Then the marriage or relationship suffers and
they EMOTIONALLY ABANDON their partner leaving them feeling unappreciated
and unloved. It is a horrible cycle. I do believe you can have opposite
friends but there has to be respect. Respect for the other people involved
including the kids and family on both sides. If one crosses the line, it is
up to the other person to set the boundaries. Sometimes they like the
attention and cross the boundaries too. When THAT happens, there is more
deception coming. Deception is a form of emotional abuse. Lies,
withdrawing, blaming the other person for why they cheated, is ALL
emotional abuse!!
I always invited my ex to gatherings of
friends during happy hour. If he didn't go, I limited myself to a time
limit and alcohol. I called him when I left to talk to HIM! I refocused my
attention to only him so he would not feel threatened. Even though he lied
to me many, many times of his meetings with women, I can sleep at night
knowing I treated him with respect.
Oct 9, 2009 3:05 PM
Guest :
Tis article may speak to issues, but hardly of emotional cheating: a
healthy personal and relationship/marriage can accommodate close,
emotionally intimate relationships with individuals of either gender. A
solid relationship opens people to the world of community and social
contact, not isolates them. The kind of isolation within a marriage that
is proposed here has an eerie air of the kind of boundaries (read: prisons)
that intolerant, insecure extremely needy individuals often want to place
around their partners. I found it shocking and sad.
Sep 26, 2007
