Intimacy: talking about who you are, what you need & want, & being heard by your partner or friend. This can trigger fear of intimacy. Here's tips for building intimacy.
Building intimacy takes time.
When you’re truly intimate with your partner you can talk about who you really are, say what you need and want, and be heard by him/her. Intimate relationships have a sense of mutuality, which means you’re as concerned with your partner’s satisfaction and happiness as with your own. You want to see your partner emotionally, intellectually, socially, sexually and professionally fulfilled. Building intimacy doesn't mean you'll make all that happen, of course, but your partner’s satisfaction is equally important to you.
Fear of intimacy becomes less of an issue when you're building intimacy.
When you’re truly intimate, you don’t feel alone or isolated. Even when you’re single, separated, or divorced, you can experience intimacy! Friendships and family relationships are open to intimacy - or closed to it, as the case may be. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, though sex is a big part of it in partnerships.
Intimacy is the freedom to be yourself. Building intimacy is expressing yourself more and more in your relationship.
Intimate relationships are risky – and fear of intimacy develops – for several reasons. When you're building intimacy, you could be:
- Misunderstood
- Rejected
- Ridiculed
- Faced with the fact that you're with the wrong person
Building intimacy is difficult when fear of intimacy exists.
Indicators of fear of intimacy
How do you know if you have a fear of intimacy? Possible indicators include:
- reluctance to share thoughts and feelings with your lover or spouse.
- refusal to talk about personal or even superficial events with your friends or family. These discussions go a long way in building intimacy.
- prolonged singlehood – for several years, and yet you wish for a relationship. You want to be involved but have a hard time building intimacy.
- multiple dates or sexual partners, with no emotional ties.
- affairs or one-night stands, with no chance of building intimacy
- few or no close friends
The bottom line is that you don’t let people in. Fear of intimacy is keeping people out.
Building intimate relationships
In healthy intimate relationships, you won’t lose yourself. Your personality and self won’t melt into your lover’s or friend's when you're building intimacy. Rather, you’ll share yourself and learn about your partner's complexities. When you're building intimacy you’ll learn so much more about both you and her/him. Your self will be nourished.
If you're concerned about a fear of intimacy, know that overcoming fear of intimacy is possible, especially with the following suggestions.
Building intimacy involves:
- Acceptance. Both you and your partner need to feel accepted. Learn to share your true thoughts about another’s actions and opinions without judging or condemning them. Building intimacy is about acceptance of yourself and others.
- Surrender. Come out from behind your walls; put down the armor. Building intimacy is about stepping forward and being known.
- Risks. Start small when you're building intimacy. Share your feelings about work, traffic, the weather, sports -- superficial stuff. If that works (you feel uncomfortable but accepted), start talking about the big stuff like resentment, fear of intimacy, or even abuse.
- Participate. When your partner shares feelings, discuss them. Avoid emotional distance by asking a few questions, and listen to the answers. Open up on the same level, to the same degree if possible. This will go a long way in building intimacy.
Sometimes building intimacy and learning to love in adulthood involves resolving childhood issues. If you have stuff leftover from your past that's causing fear of intimacy, it may be wise to deal with it so you don’t drag it into your current relationships.
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