Overcoming your fears will help you live authentically & increase your self-awareness. Here's why finding your identity is so difficult, & how you can live a full life!
Increasing your self-awareness is about living authentically and overcoming your fears. As a child, you may have been encouraged to conform or face the consequences! Most people conform...and lose themselves in the process.
Authentic living and self-awareness is about expressing honest thoughts, feelings, and opinions without condemning or judging others - and it's difficult! Overcoming fear is key.
Increasing your self-awareness is a journey full of failures and successes. Finding your identity is a process with no real end point. That is, you'll never be "done" because you're always growing and changing - and so are the people around you.
Why is Increasing Your Self-Awareness & Living Authentically Difficult?
You've been hurt. You've been betrayed, terrified, and even abused. Assaults are difficult to survive when they're committed by strangers - but when people who are supposed to love you, hurt you, it's even harder to bounce back. Living authentically and finding your identity involves dealing with your past and forgiving others.
You've hurt others. You've betrayed friends, partners, family; maybe you've even terrified and abused them. Everyone has hurt other people, to different degrees. These cycles of pain and destruction make it difficult to open up and trust again. Increasing your self-awareness is about facing your mistakes.
You watch the media and see images of perfection, which doesn't encourage you to live authentically, with all your imperfections! The gorgeous models, rock singers and movie stars look flawless. Increasing your self-awareness means knowing these images of perfection are impossible to live up to. Finding your identity means letting the quest for perfection go. Authentic living isn't about being perfect.
You haven't let go of expectations of your parents, family, supervisors, professors, or mentors. You're encouraged to color between the lines, fit in, and be "big a girl/boy" - but you're not always encouraged to overcome your fears and live authentically. Then, when you're an adult you're expected to be politically correct, mature, and responsible. Finding your identity means letting go of others' expectations.
Increasing your self-awareness and living authentically is a lifelong journey of self-discovery.
Questions to Ponder When You're Increasing Your Self-Awareness:
What makes your heart leap or your soul resonate?
When do you feel most happy and relaxed? Finding your identity is knowing what makes you "you."
What's the first thought or feeling that pops into your head when you encounter a song, person, memory, or experience? Finding your identity involves being self-aware.
What's the THIRD thought or feeling when you encounter a song, person, memory, or situation? (some say that's your true self, depending on how buried your true self is and how much you've conformed).
Living Authentically Involves Negative Feelings
When – and with whom – do you feel depressed, sad, or drained? Finding your identity involves avoiding those situations.
When do you feel physically ill or unhealthy? Authentic living means figuring that out, and avoiding those situations.
What meetings, visits, or events do you find yourself dragging yourself to? Increasing your self-awareness is about limiting or eliminating those circumstances.
Increasing your self-awareness and living authentically takes time, practice, and patience - but the rewards are well worth it!
Related Articles About Self-Identity and Authenticity
If you found Increasing Your Self-Awareness interesting, try:
The copyright of the article Increasing Your Self-Awareness in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Increasing Your Self-Awareness in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Found this usefull and somewhat insightful but what to do when letting go
of expectations would mean becoming a very different person? someone you
may dislike/think little of? how do you deal with not being yourself
because you do not think you would be better off living authenticaly?
Oct 28, 2008 8:11 PM
Guest :
Hi Guest:
I saw your comment and thought I ought to answer since
I took the "big leap" and decided to "live
authentically". The fact that you know somehow that you will never be
the same tells me that you are aware of the drastic changes that take place
once you start to unravel the cocoon and emerge - no longer a caterpillar,
but a butterfly. The eyes you see with now are not the same eyes you will
see with when you transform, so your fear of turning into something you may
dislike or that your existence will somehow be worse off will not matter
since the "old you" is shed and the "authentic you" has
risen.
Since I decided to take a leap of faith and trust that
there was more to life than what I was experiencing, I would never want to
return to the way things were or to the person I once was. I never could
return anyway because that person is not alive - I am. And the views of
that person don't matter. Have you ever met a dead man with a valid
opinion?
The leap is the hardest part. The journey is amazing -
not entirely painless - but amazing. And when you discover that it goes on
forever and ever, well, then you have found eternal life. Your eternal
life.
Oct 28, 2008 8:14 PM
Guest :
Hi Guest:
I saw your comment and thought I ought to answer since
I took the "big leap" and decided to "live
authentically". The fact that you know somehow that you will never be
the same tells me that you are aware of the drastic changes that take place
once you start to unravel the cocoon and emerge - no longer a caterpillar,
but a butterfly. The eyes you see with now are not the same eyes you will
see with when you transform, so your fear of turning into something you may
dislike or that your existence will somehow be worse off will not matter
since the "old you" is shed and the "authentic you" has
risen.
Since I decided to take a leap of faith and trust that
there was more to life than what I was experiencing, I would never want to
return to the way things were or to the person I once was. I never could
return anyway because that person is not alive - I am. And the views of
that person don't matter. Have you ever met a dead man with a valid
opinion?
The leap is the hardest part. The journey is amazing -
not entirely painless - but amazing. And when you discover that it goes on
forever and ever, well, then you have found eternal life. Your eternal
life.
Feb 25, 2009 2:06 PM
Guest :
Hi i went through a really hard breakup (first love together for 5 years)
and in that relationship i lost myself. Its been a little over a very
painful year that almost killed me. but now i feel more like myself than
ever but i also dont know what my passions are and what they are suppose to
feel like because the things i use to do dont feel me up anymore like they
once did so i just feel like a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl year after
year with no direction i guess my question is how do you rediscover your
passions or recreate them?
Feb 25, 2009 7:24 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry about your break up - and I do hope you can learn who you are
again, and focus on your own passions, goals, and future!
For
some ideas on rediscovering your passions, click on the links at the end of
this article. I added a couple of new articles - such as "Finding
Yourself Again" and "Creating the Life You Love", which
should get you started. And, the "Tips for Letting Go of People's
Expecations" and "The Best Movies About Daring Women" might
give you even more ideas.
Good luck! Finding yourself again is
hard, but SO worth it.........it can be fun, actually :-)
Apr 23, 2009 11:01 AM
Guest :
This all sounds so good but I have to ask how do you put the wheels in
motion?! I am 31 years old, I have been with my husband for more than half
of my life (17 years). We have 4 children ages 15, 12, 10 and 6 - my
father recently passed away so my mother is also staying with us (which is
a WHOLE other animal!) I don't really know who I am or what I am all about
anymore?!
Apr 24, 2009 4:05 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It's definitely a challenge to figure out who you are because we get so
used to ignoring or hiding our true thoughts and feelings!
One
way to get in touch with who you are and increase your self-awareness is to
sit down with a pile of old magazines, and cut out the images that resonate
with you. For instance, I'll never forget a photo in a magazine of a woman
applying her lipstick in the hubcap of her Harley Davidson - I'll always
regret not cutting that out! Just having those photos that really speak to
you around helps you stay tuned in to who you are.
And, living
authentically involves spending time with people you really WANT to be
with! It's about saying "yes" because you want to, not because
you "should."
Put the wheels in motion by taking a
class you think you'd enjoy -- and if you don't, then you've increased your
self-awareness already! Take a weekend away by yourself, or with a
girlfriend.
Listen to your gut feelings, and practice being
assertive.
I hope this has helped a little -- let me know if
anything works for you!
May 13, 2009 11:43 AM
Guest :
Hi, I was in a relationship for 12 years. He left me one morning giving me
three hours notice. This was a year and a half ago. I am suffering from
severe depression, never leave my home, and because of a bad lower back, I
sit and sleep in my desk chair all the time. I pray very hard as I have
much faith in God, I cry, have no friends, and if it were not for my
children, my phone would never ring. He walked away without looking back.
He has never once called to see if I am ok. I made his world, my world. He
was my best friend, I shared all his interests, and cannot even remember
what mine are. The sadness is overwhelming. I know I would never take him
back, and I do not feel anything for him any longer. I am just lost, lonely
and wonder how I will ever trust anyone ever again. This man said he loved
me. He said we would be married. Now, I have nothing or no one to share my
life with. Please help me if you can. Thank you.
May 13, 2009 4:57 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Have you seen a doctor about treatment for your severe depression? That's
the first step -- because you can't increase your self-awareness and live
authentically if you're too exhausted to get out of bed in the morning (or
in your case, the office chair :-) ).
Step one is to get
treatment.
Step two is to start rebuilding your life. It's
easier than it sounds: join a walking group, take a class in something
you've always wanted, join a weight loss or Weight Watchers group in your
neighborhood. There are many inexpensive, easy ways to make friends and
feel supported -- and the sooner you connect with others, the better you'll
feel!
You've taken a fantastic first step by reaching out
online, here...now you just need to take the next steps.
I hope
this helps a little, and I hope you return to let me know how you're
doing!
Laurie
Jul 1, 2009 9:10 PM
Guest :
Hello, Over the last month, I have really been seeking and finding
myself. For a long time there I was affected deeply by what people thought
and what I needed to be doing. I was not really doing things cause I wanted
to. A fog was covering up what I really wanted. Everything I really wanted
was always right in front of me, and I was only preventing myself from
attaining it. The last couple days I don't know what happened.. I am a
little depressed. I am too determined to not let it get the best of me. I
can not and will not go back to my old tactics of ignoring my heart and my
desires. I stumbled upon this website and read your blog. I have
always felt drained by my parents. I think this is partly because they are
ignoring their hearts and dreams. They don't really have a passion or pride
for life, which is what a person needs for me to look up to them. Its
really starting to drain me more and more living with them. One part
of your blog that really stood out to me was you advising avoiding and
limiting situations and relationships that drain you. I have had
previous issues where I just couldn't take it anymore. I blew up and had to
leave my parents place. I've tried to explain to certain friends what
bothers me so much about my parents. Only a couple understand. Now, I have
an easier way to explain it. Living with them absolutely drains me. I feel
I just have to get out of here to continue my quest of self-awareness. What is your input? Josh
Jul 2, 2009 6:44 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It's pretty clear to me that you know the next step you need to take in
life! And truthfully, it doesn't matter if your friends understand how
your parents affect your self-awareness, ability to live authentically, or
energy levels. The most important thing is that YOU get it (though it's
great to hear that a couple of your friends understand, because it gives
you support).
One important thing to remember is that different
people in our lives fill different needs and play different roles. That is,
one friend may totally understand what you mean about self-identity and
living authentically. Another friend may be your "tennis buddy"
or someone you go hiking with -- and talk about what's happening in sports,
with celebrities, or work. Another friend may be someone you volunteer with
or sit on a committee with.
It's the same with your parents:
though they may not be on the same wavelength as you in terms of goals and
dreams and self-identity, they are still important in different ways. They
play a huge role in your life. As you detach from them physically (by
moving out), hold on to the wonderful things they have offered.
No one person can be all things to all people, even his/her own kids.
So, now that you know the next step -- moving out so you can figure
out who you are -- what's holding you back?
Laurie
Jul 27, 2009 5:54 AM
Guest :
when i look into myself i am so negative and angry and when it says that we
should forget or ignore other peoples expectations that sounds great but
they may not like the negative angry person inside. I feel like i'm
fighting myself half the time, as if all these thoughts are telling me i'm
the bad person, and other people dont like bad people. I did suffer severe
depression from bullying in school to the point i still wonder how i'm
alive from the suicidal thoughts but i need to get over the past and its so
hard, i did the antidepressants and they made things worse. i feel happier
off them. but i feel like whenever i meet someone new things are great and
we get along but then after two months i cant take it anymore and feel
lost, unappreciated and rejected. i just want to fit in have my own
opinions and have fun. i feel like such a recluse most of the time, i feel
like i cant talk to people because i never have anything interesting to say
and they would think that i'm strange and not want to talk to me. my
boyfriend thought i was the best ever but now he wont talk to me and it
frustrates me out to the point i want to end it. i just dont understand how
i can be interesting and cool at first but then not worth talking to in the
end. how can you be sure of yourself?...whats the affirmation that changes
peoples lives?
Jul 27, 2009 7:07 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It sounds like you have a few things to work out! I don't know which is
most important (childhood bullying, suicidal thoughts, the reasons you were
prescribed antidepressants, relationship struggles) -- but I suggest you
sit down and figure out what your most pressing problem is. This might be
good to do with a counselor, who can be objective and helpful. Once you
figure out what the underlying problem is, then you can tackle that -- and
that will help resolve your other struggles.
I suggest you call
a counselor or help line, and get in-person support figuring this stuff
out! Wrestling with it by yourself won't necessarily increase your
self-awareness...it could just make things worse (we can't be objective
about ourselves, it's too difficult!).
If you can't get outside
help, go to the library and find books about the problem you're most
worried about. Books can be very, very helpful -- you'd be surprised at the
insights you find there!
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
Aug 19, 2009 2:27 PM
Guest :
I'm 15 and really struggling to find my identity and decide what I want to
do in life. There are some things that I think haven't helped. Ever since I
was quite little I suffered depressive times where I couldn't see the point
in my life (I have had treatment for that now and feel better most of the
time), I have also been bullied before which wrecked my confidence, my
parents and other people have always been very controlling of me and I find
it hard making decisions. Now I'm trying to break free of all this, find
"me", not give up on my ambitions and be who I want to be not who
other people want me to be. I just really wanted to share this somewhere,
so thank you for reading! :) This article has helped inspire me, so thank
you for it.
Aug 19, 2009 3:27 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thank you for being here! It sounds like you've been through alot, and you
have a great deal of insight and wisdome because of everything you've
experienced.
I'm glad this article about figuring out who you
was helpful -- and I hope to meet you again somewhere in cyberspace! Come
visit my on my See Jane Soar blog; it's ALL about authenticity,
inspiration, and living your own life :-)
Laurie
Aug 20, 2009 3:14 PM
Guest :
Yes that's exactly how I like to see things in life - I see bad things that
happen as experiences that teach you stuff and make you stronger. We have
met somewhere else in cyberspace - I'm Emily who commented on 10 Tips for
Setting and Achieving Your Life Goals on Quips and Tips for Achieving Your
Goals. I'm going to keep reading your articles and hopefully I will find me
and acheive my goals!
Sep 1, 2009 1:13 PM
Guest :
hi. my husband left me after 3 weeks of getting married at the catholic
church, both of us are (catholic). it is my second marriage at the age of
31 and am at lost. i left my first husband for this man, gave this man
everything i can to make his life easier. then his parents came for the
wedding and all hell broke lose. they concluded that because i earn more
than him, i am controlling him. so we had a fight one night, i told him to
go and give me some space, the next day, he came back and said it's over,
even my family told me to leave you. i am at lost. people told me that
there were so many red flags i chose to ignore. my therapist told me that i
am angrier at myself for not honoring my true self more than i am angrier
than my husband. i read the article above and what makes me really
really happy and seeing my husband happy. but its all gone and dreams
are destroyed. i dont want to survive, i want to live. i let go of all
expectations from my parents, i did what i loved to do which is looking
after and teaching children. i opened my daycare and became successful. i
did all these and tried my best to become true to myself but... why did
this happen to me?
Sep 2, 2009 8:36 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
Why did this happen to you? Maybe you made a rash or
impulsive decision to leave your first husband for this one. Ignoring red
flags often leads to disaster -- but we ignore them because we want what we
want! People do it all the time, even when they know better.
I
think it's important to remember that being successful at work doesn't
necessarily mean being successful in relationships (which you're learning
firsthand!). I don't know what caused your second marriage to break down,
but figuring that out will help you as you move forward in life. It sounds
like there are many things going on (his parents, your career, the
marriage)....and untangling that might be complicated, but it'll be worth
it.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist! She or he can help you
objectively see what choices led up to this point, so you can be more
self-aware and avoid making the same choices in the future. I'm sorry I
don't have more concrete answers for you....your best bet is to work it
through with your therapist, and be open to learning and accepting new
things about your personality and personal identity.
I wish you
all the best and hope that you gain clarity and understanding soon.
Laurie
Sep 13, 2009 8:58 PM
Guest :
Greetings!
How strange is it that I find comfort in others'
searching? Thank you everyone for sharing. I have been seriously asking the
"Who Am I?" question for a good few months. I am a 45-year old
divorced mom of two young children. My husband left for pastures
greener...but we've managed to remain friends.
My question
is...what if in those moments in trying to become more
"self-aware" I find no passion for anything? In my life I feel I
have met many of my dreams...and nothing seems to "pop" anymore.
What do I enjoy doing? Being home, alone...doing nothing but watching old
movies and cathing up on sleep!
I did have "passions"
when I was younger, but feel I've followed through with them...how does one
develop "new" passions and interests? All seems to pale and not
worth the effort. My energy stores are often drained (not surprising with
two young children, ages 7 and 2, a full time + job, a house to manage,
etc.).
What do you think? How does one stir up the energy to
find new passions and interests?
Sep 14, 2009 4:01 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
There is a season for everything….and maybe now is not your
season for stirring up energy and passions. Maybe now is your time to
retreat, rest, relax, and catch your breath. Healing and rejuvenation is
just as important as forging ahead and exploring your interests, dreams,
and talents!
That said, one calm and relaxing way to explore
your possible interests is to read old issues of your favorite magazines
and big picture books of gardens, homes, architecture, paintings, etc. What
stirs your soul, perks your interest, makes you happy? That’s where your
passions are. What can’t you tear your eyes away from? The best part is
that you can read these magazines while you watch old movies and nap.
And, I suggest you browse through Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple
Abundance book – it’s a wonderful way to get in touch with who you are. I
also love Rachel Naomi Remen’s Kitchen Table Wisdom. I discuss both those
books on my blog, See Jane Soar (it’s all about life lessons from
inspirational women in history; just Google See Jane Soar to find it).
I hope this helps a little – and I don’t think it’s at all strange
that you find comfort in others’ searching! It’s very comforting to know
we’re not alone, that others are feeling the same angst and asking the same
questions that we do.
Best wishes, and I hope to run into you
again in cyberspace!
