Risk and mystery makes casual sex more exciting. But, casual sex is linked to fear of intimacy. Here's how fear of intimacy leads to compulsive one night stands.
Fear of intimacy in the bedroom motivates some people to pursue casual sexual relationships. For them, one stands are risky, mysterious, and sometimes full of urgency. Casual sex is often exciting because chemistry and conquests are alive; causal sex has elements of fear, adventure and unlimited possibilities. The sympathetic nervous system is on full alert, blood pressure is high, and heart rate is racing during casual sex.
Committed sex isn't connected to the same feelings - which is why some people can't stop the one night stands.
In casual sex or one night stands, the moment is all you have. You’re not worried about what your partner thinks of you and you’re not concerned about what you think of them. You don’t have to fear rejection, and you can engage in fantasies and personas you wouldn’t normally consider. There may still be a sense of responsibility and even care for your partner, but there isn’t usually a commitment.
And there’s no emotional intimacy to kill the mood. This is where fear of intimacy in the bedroom makes casual sex exciting, and why some people can't stop the one night stands.
The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom and Casual Sex
For some people, knowing too much about your sex partner is a turnoff. Emotional intimacy makes you vulnerable and open for rejection, hurt, and even attack. Emotional intimacy renders you powerless to protect your heart and mind, and that may not get - or keep - the engines humming. Fear of intimacy in the bedroom can lead to casual sex.
Commited Sex and Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom
Committed sex usually involves knowledge of one another: personalities mesh, habits are explored, quirks familiar, and hopes and dreams shared. Emotional intimacy exists. For most couples, emotional intimacy leads to heightened sexual attraction and more physical expressions of love and commitment. Sexual experimentation is more likely when there's no fear of intimacy in the bedroom, and sexual satisfaction is achieved more often. The focus in committed sex is on usually deeper connections and more emotional satisfaction (and maybe an orgasm or two).
Is Committed or Casual Sex Better?
It depends on you: your past, your perspective, and your preferences. Some people view committed sex with as much distaste as others view casual sex. It's is a matter of personal opinion and choice, but fear of intimacy does change your preferences. If you're not into emotional intimacy, then you may not enjoy committed sex.
As with most issues, casual sex versus committed sex isn't black and white. The mystery, urgency, and risk of casual sex at one end of the spectrum gradually morphs into the trust, intimacy, and mind-body-soul connection of committed sex. Similar to the three stages of love, committed and casual sex exists on a continuum.
If you found Casual Sex is Connected to Fear of Intimacy: How and Why Some People Can't Stop the One Night Stands interesting, try:
The copyright of the article Casual Sex is Connected to Fear of Intimacy in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Casual Sex is Connected to Fear of Intimacy in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I just finished reading "Ill Equipped for a Life of Sex," by
Jennifer Lehr. It is a memoir and tells us the story of Lehr's sexual life
and her increasing awareness of her own sexuality. A number of times in the
book she wonders why we are never taught how to have flourishing
relationships, and healthy sex lives.
I don't think we can
underestimate this need. In North American culture, kids don't often see
what positive love relationships look like, and the work involved in making
them last. My students, although appearing sexually savvy, look confused
when I talk about sex as a conversation.
I feel more and more
that teens could use some help with sorting this stuff out. Sex ed.
understood as STD or pregnancy avoidance is important, but what about
including self respect as well?
Dec 13, 2006 10:45 AM
Pink :
. Great question! . Good luck on getting any discussion
going on this subject that is so heavily laden with taboos and
proscriptions. . :) . Not a decent subject for mixed
company? What? You gotta talk with same sexed people about it and, then,
only behind closed doors? .
Dec 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Jodee Redmond :
I think too many of us received the message, either explicitly or implied
that our sexuality is something shameful instead of the wonderful gift that
it is. Courses in sex ed teach the plumbing and how not to get pregnant or
contract a disease. No one talks about how this part of our lives fits into
a relationship.
The pervasiveness of pornography in our society
doesn't help much, either. It shows casual sex as having no consequences;
that is not the case in real life. And it certainly doesn't show the viewer
anything about making love - it's just having sex.
Dec 14, 2006 2:13 PM
Pink :
. A good area for self discovery. .
Dec 16, 2006 9:03 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Have you heard the statement, "If you can't talk about it with your
partner, you shouldn't do it?"
It's awkward &
uncomfortable to talk about sex even with the person you're doing it to ---
I mean with (just kidding! that's a joke from Frasier's dad). But
seriously, if you can't talk about positions or new things with your
partner, then you really shouldn't be doing them.
What do you
think?
Dec 17, 2006 3:55 AM
Jodee Redmond :
I think this can be quite difficult. Back in the days when I was single, I
had some friends who couldn't talk to the young men they were seeing about
using condoms. I thought at the time, and still do, that if you can't
discuss that, you shouldn't be intimate with that person.
When
we ask for what we want in an intimate relationship we run the risk of
hearing no or being told there is something bad, wrong, or shameful about
our desires. Instead of saying "I want..." maybe a less scary
approach would be to say "I've been wondering about (fill in blank
here); what do you think?" If you hear ""I don't think
so" then you haven't risked so much. You can always ask your partner
what about the idea wasn't appealing and perhaps come up with a similar
idea he or she is comfortable with.
Dec 17, 2006 11:23 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Talking about condoms or positions is a sign of respect for your partner,
and yourself. I like the idea of asking your partner, "what do you
think of ______?" and discussing views. Going back to what Leslie
said about self-respect and teens, the more we as adults are comfortable
with open communication, the more comfortable teens will be, too. Maybe
that'll take the mystery and excitement and taboo out of sex, causing less
promiscuity?
Dec 18, 2006 7:24 PM
Jodee Redmond :
Maybe if teens were taught that sex is very grown up thing to do, it might
help combat the problem of teens becoming sexually active at a young age.
To use the example of another grown-up thing, no teen thinks,
"Wow, when I get to be an adult, I get to pay bills!" As long as
we are not open and honest with our young people, they will continue to try
to sample the forbidden fruit.
Dec 19, 2006 5:09 AM
Pink :
. Words aren't necessary to communication. In fact, verbal
conversation can get in the way of our best relationships. . High
order feed back requires input from each participant in ANY activity. Off
subject, in a dog fight between pilots of jet planes, a heat seeking
missile cannot hit its target unless the target sends feedback to the
sensors in the missle. . Humans are far more complex beings. .
Dec 19, 2006 6:36 AM
Pink :
. In other words, isn't sex all about communication of the self to
another? .
Dec 19, 2006 8:35 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Yes, it is. The more levels of communication - physical, emotional, verbal,
spiritual, intellectual - you share, the more intimate sex is.
Men seem to need different types of communication than women, which still
astounds me. How can we be so different, and yet expected to have healthy,
happy, lifelong relationships?
Dec 19, 2006 9:00 AM
Pink :
. Personally, I think we have fallen into a trap that tells us we have
arrived at the ultimate level as far as possibilities are concerned. . You've opened this subject to discussion. It's a taboo, for
starters. So, what does that tell us? That we cannot hope to discuss it
objectively. We are limited not only in what we say; but, in our ability to
investigate the subject. What, to reach far out, do we understand about the
sexuality of those Mormons who practice the "Principle", ie.,
polygamy. We cannot investigate that subject from a purely sociological
stand point. Can we discuss the pros and cons of multiple partners in
present day sexual behaviors? No. It's a taboo subject. . In
other words, the subject is and has been such that our knowledge is
supressed. Don't misunderstand me, he sez, I'm not advocating anything
here. . Do you know the concept of metacommunication that is
communication about communication? .
Dec 21, 2006 2:02 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Why can't we discuss taboo subjects? I don't understand why we can't
discuss the pros and cons of multiple partners; in fact, I'm sure I've read
or heard that discussion already! Poligamy is actually quite beneficial to
both the wives and the husband. I don't know if it's better or worse - just
different than 2 partner marriages. Maybe it's because I lived in Africa
for 3 years, where polygamy is common. I saw firsthand the pros, and I
understand why people do it. - Metacommuncation? New thread,
please! :)
Dec 21, 2006 2:28 PM
Pink :
. It's difficult to discuss socially taboo subjects as we catch hell
from most others. . Personally, I have found that having
communication with a variety of well chosen people inproves our ability to
express ourselves with each other. . I think we have to be
careful to understand what kind of commitments we make under any
conditions. . Here's a question for you, "Why do people
divorce to marry an extra-marital lover when they truly loved their
original spouse?" It's a common occurance. .
Dec 23, 2006 4:11 PM
Pink :
. Remember Prometheus who stole knowledge from the gods? . The knowledge of sex is forbidden in our culture. . I'm sure
you've noticed. . :) . You want to spend the rest of
eternity chained to a mountain while the eagles eat your liver? .
Dec 22, 2008 12:29 PM
Guest :
So many people are so reserved about this topic here! Me and committed sex
don't get along all that well. I'm comfortable having that knowledge,
though once in a while I lament the consequences of it. I figure that when
I'm ready to change, it'll happen organically.
Dec 13, 2006
