Is your relationship hampered by emotional walls & barriers, secrets & long silences? Fear of intimacy is common in adults, especially if you've been scarred in the past.
Fear of intimacy is the exact opposite of the close relationship you had with your best friend when you were a kid. You may be lucky enough to have a best friend now, but the depth and scope of those childhood friendships may seem unbeatable because you shared all your secrets. Fear of intimacy -- hiding behind emotional walls and barriers -- wasn't usually an issue. Overcoming fear of intimacy and anxiety wasn't even on the radar screen.
Fear of intimacy is definitely a grown up problem.
Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways – a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, we’re naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
Personality characteristics such as introversion and extroversion can also contribute to fear of intimacy issues, and so can depression and anxiety.
Fear of intimacy is different than fear of commitment. You can be married and not know your partner emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. In fact, loneliness in marriage is more difficult than being lonely as a single person or widow. Marital loneliness springs from fear of intimacy in one or both partners.
The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy.
Three elements that reduce fear of intimacy:
- Authenticity: your feelings match your words and actions. If you feel angry or betrayed, you express yourself with words and behavior (remember that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means that even if you don’t speak your feelings, your actions will likely reveal them). Try sentences such as "I feel sad because I hoped to see you there," or "I'm angry and frustrated because I was relying on you to take the garbage out, and now the garbage truck won't be back for another week." Instead of hiding behind fear of intimacy, step out and reveal yourself. You'll feel vulnerable and afraid - there's no getting around that!
- Communication: Mutual self-disclosure occurs when the two of you share your personal and everyday experiences. You open up at the same level; for instance, you both discuss experiences of being betrayed in the past – or neither of you shares it. You meet each other at the same level in terms of the amount and type of personal experiences and thoughts you disclose. If mutual self-disclosure doesn’t happen, then you’re in an unbalanced relationship. One partner has opened their heart, while the other has hidden it away. This is fear of intimacy that can be reduced simply by talking about it.
- Honesty: You talk about what's going on in your life, how you really feel and what you really think. You reveal what’s important to you, which builds trust in your relationship. You don’t play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. You may still have a fear of intimacy, but you're honest about it.
The longer fear of intimacy festers, the worse it gets - and the more difficult it is to overcome. Now's the time to face your fear of intimacy and embark on a bigger, deeper life!
If you found Fear of Intimacy helpful, you may also enjoy:
- Overcoming Fear of Intimacy
- Emotional Cheating
- Intimacy Overload
- Fear of Intimacy in the Bedroom
- 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
The copyright of the article Fear of Intimacy in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Fear of Intimacy in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Aug 3, 2007 1:27 PM
Jennifer Dickey :
Hi
I am currently engaged and have alot of insecurity issues that is both destorying me and my relationship. The insecurities stem from a different things but mainly because my fiance cheated on me before we got engaged. He also cheated on his ex fiance.
These insecurities are causing major behavioural and drepression problems that i cant seem to shake. If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know. there is more to my story but not sure how much i am suppose to post.
thanks
I am currently engaged and have alot of insecurity issues that is both destorying me and my relationship. The insecurities stem from a different things but mainly because my fiance cheated on me before we got engaged. He also cheated on his ex fiance.
These insecurities are causing major behavioural and drepression problems that i cant seem to shake. If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know. there is more to my story but not sure how much i am suppose to post.
thanks
Aug 4, 2007 10:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for sharing your insecurities, juicygumdrops! You can post as much
or as little as you like.
-
I think you're right to be insecure with your fiance, because unless something significant has changed with him, he may end up cheating on you too. Can you go through premarital counseling together? There's never any guarantees that marriages will stay strong, but at least you can talk through why it happened in the past and protect yourself from it happening in the future. I'd involve an objective third party (mentor, pastor, counselor, therapist) and listen to their take on your fiance.
-
Don't ignore your gut feelings. They're right 99% of the time.....and you don't want to be one of those women who knew all along that something wasn't quite right.
-
I think you're right to be insecure with your fiance, because unless something significant has changed with him, he may end up cheating on you too. Can you go through premarital counseling together? There's never any guarantees that marriages will stay strong, but at least you can talk through why it happened in the past and protect yourself from it happening in the future. I'd involve an objective third party (mentor, pastor, counselor, therapist) and listen to their take on your fiance.
-
Don't ignore your gut feelings. They're right 99% of the time.....and you don't want to be one of those women who knew all along that something wasn't quite right.
Aug 4, 2007 11:54 AM
Pink :
.
Once again, Laurie, you have come through with an excellent subject for thought.
.
After 76 years of living and long since having broken through the barriers set up by a life of expectations that may or may not have been <i>good</i>. :)
.
Intimacy can teach us much more about who it is that we are rather than who it is the other person might be. But, if we are to grow to our fullest potential, a good and loving relationship that allow intimacy--no matter what--is the way to go.
.
At least, that's what I think.
.
Once again, Laurie, you have come through with an excellent subject for thought.
.
After 76 years of living and long since having broken through the barriers set up by a life of expectations that may or may not have been <i>good</i>. :)
.
Intimacy can teach us much more about who it is that we are rather than who it is the other person might be. But, if we are to grow to our fullest potential, a good and loving relationship that allow intimacy--no matter what--is the way to go.
.
At least, that's what I think.
.
Aug 5, 2007 8:22 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Intimacy requires trust. How does anyone know whether they can trust
another person?
-
In juicygumdrops' case, her fiance may not be giving her reason to trust him. Or she's terribly insecure. I guess only she can figure out the truth.
-
In juicygumdrops' case, her fiance may not be giving her reason to trust him. Or she's terribly insecure. I guess only she can figure out the truth.
Aug 5, 2007 9:27 AM
Pink :
.
There is so much confusion out there.
.
When we are taught rules of behavior we often forgo any search for deeper knowledge.
.
The main point of intimacy--it appears to me--is that we get to develop knowledge about our own self even more so than we develop knowledge about the other.
.
Can I be me in the presence of an other person? If I am me in your presence, how does that impact on me?
.
There is so much confusion out there.
.
When we are taught rules of behavior we often forgo any search for deeper knowledge.
.
The main point of intimacy--it appears to me--is that we get to develop knowledge about our own self even more so than we develop knowledge about the other.
.
Can I be me in the presence of an other person? If I am me in your presence, how does that impact on me?
.
Apr 9, 2008 5:27 PM
metwithsilence :
Please help!!
I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.
In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.
essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,
we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....
we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.
the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet--the picture below is of my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.
he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'
clearly our great fun relationship has soured....
he made NO attempt to touch my face or body in all the time we were together. twice, i tried to grasp his hand and it went rigid.
since then i have text messaged and emailed b/c what i read ab
I have been dating this guy since Jan 25th who explained when we met that he was extremely introverted.
In the beginning, we had a great time. We went out dancing at STL's big Mardi Gras celebration (lots of people around). We had fun drinking water in his apartment with no media entertaining us. we saw movies on friday and read books in bed on sunday.... We had fun... slowly he began revealing facts about himself... i crave to know more but know i have to allow him to unfurl.
essentially, the first month was great. he writes a list of the 80 things he likes about me.. they include that,
we compete together and always win against our adversaries.. we have similar interests and styles.. he says that he likes that we can have a conversation where all he has to do is nod... with this list of 80 things, he buys me a pillow that i love and i tear up a bit thinking how lucky i am to have found this kind, beautiful guy....
we have sex and he says, 'sex with you is the best'----that's the first and only compliment(?) he gives me verbally.
the next six weeks, he began withdrawing.. big time. three weeks ago he told me he can only see me twice a week... friday he stood me up at my friends' performance that i gave him a week's notice of.. saturday we went for a long walk (that killed my feet--the picture below is of my feet all bandaged up from having 4 morton's neuromas removed this morning)... anyway, he and i went on a long walk saturday--he made NO motion to apologize for missing my friends' show... i let it go--i realize i set up expectations that he could not meet and that i effectively hurt myself. i feel this way and thus spend the two hours walking around (in pain, but not revealing the state of my injury) trying to have pleasant conversation.
he made one comment that i didn't extract from him---he said, 'well it's nice that it's becoming spring'... i probed why he felt that way, 'i don't know, i guess b/c it's getting warmer.' ok, i reply, and i ask what else does he like about spring... he tells me he doesn't know and asks what i like. i tell him 'late spring strawberries'.. he says, 'is that what you are all about?'... 'no i reply, it's just something i like about spring..'
clearly our great fun relationship has soured....
he made NO attempt to touch my face or body in all the time we were together. twice, i tried to grasp his hand and it went rigid.
since then i have text messaged and emailed b/c what i read ab
Apr 9, 2008 7:24 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to say this -- but I suspect you already already know it -- he
may not be into a relationship.
You need to objectively assess what you're looking for in a relationship, and then decide if he's the one for you. Decide on who you want in your life (think caring, compassionate, funny, warm, loving, giving, interested in trying, a good communicator, similar life goals, same spiritual beliefs, and whatever else is important to you).
Once you have your objective list of what you're looking for, compare this guy to your list. Does he fit? Don't base your decision on his being new to the city or that he's in a bad financial situation. He's a grown man, and your job isn't to save him.
I wish you all the best, and invite you to tell me what you've decided!
Laurie
You need to objectively assess what you're looking for in a relationship, and then decide if he's the one for you. Decide on who you want in your life (think caring, compassionate, funny, warm, loving, giving, interested in trying, a good communicator, similar life goals, same spiritual beliefs, and whatever else is important to you).
Once you have your objective list of what you're looking for, compare this guy to your list. Does he fit? Don't base your decision on his being new to the city or that he's in a bad financial situation. He's a grown man, and your job isn't to save him.
I wish you all the best, and invite you to tell me what you've decided!
Laurie
Apr 10, 2008 2:13 AM
metwithsilence :
I don't want to 'save' him... Certainly, financially I can't---
But, I don't want to walk out on him.
It's only been a short while that we've dated... but he's had such a rough go at life. Doesn't know his dad, mom had him at 16... joined the navy at 18, joined the police academy, left and went to college... got into editing sound and video---> moved to stl for a job at an ad firm.
Has 1 friend that I know of and is in his cell phone.
Do you have any knowledge of/experience with introverts... those that are diagnosed depressed..?
My only explanation for why he has become so radically different than he was the first five weeks is that he is off his anti-depressant. He was so absolutely kind and considerate... then, one day he just stopped being awesome.
He fit my list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. He was actually the first guy I've dated that I referred to as my partner and not my boytoy, boyfriend, lover, hero, or whatever other title I'd affix to a relationship that wasn't great.
The only thing that didn't match was he's an atheist and I am trying to be agnostic... but probably lean towards being an atheist 45% of the time.
Yes, I need to assess what I want... that is why I pulled away... but I am upset b/c I don't think it makes any difference. He made no attempt to stop me from walking out of his life.
With him being an atheist with no strong relationship foundation role-model.... my one fear about us---that he would not care if i were around or not, came true.
and the reason I'm flummoxed about what I should do is because I care about him and worry that he's in a bad place with no support system.
It might have been a short relationship, but I didn't want it to be... yet, I walked out.
But, I don't want to walk out on him.
It's only been a short while that we've dated... but he's had such a rough go at life. Doesn't know his dad, mom had him at 16... joined the navy at 18, joined the police academy, left and went to college... got into editing sound and video---> moved to stl for a job at an ad firm.
Has 1 friend that I know of and is in his cell phone.
Do you have any knowledge of/experience with introverts... those that are diagnosed depressed..?
My only explanation for why he has become so radically different than he was the first five weeks is that he is off his anti-depressant. He was so absolutely kind and considerate... then, one day he just stopped being awesome.
He fit my list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. He was actually the first guy I've dated that I referred to as my partner and not my boytoy, boyfriend, lover, hero, or whatever other title I'd affix to a relationship that wasn't great.
The only thing that didn't match was he's an atheist and I am trying to be agnostic... but probably lean towards being an atheist 45% of the time.
Yes, I need to assess what I want... that is why I pulled away... but I am upset b/c I don't think it makes any difference. He made no attempt to stop me from walking out of his life.
With him being an atheist with no strong relationship foundation role-model.... my one fear about us---that he would not care if i were around or not, came true.
and the reason I'm flummoxed about what I should do is because I care about him and worry that he's in a bad place with no support system.
It might have been a short relationship, but I didn't want it to be... yet, I walked out.
Apr 10, 2008 7:18 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Sometimes people change when they're not motivated to be a certain way.
Maybe it's the antidepressants that you mentioned, maybe he's feeling
things differently. Only he knows -- and maybe he himself doesn't have a
clear picture of what's going on.
The thing with introverts and depressed feelings -- or just introverts or just people who are depressed -- is that it depends on who they are as people. I don't think there's a blanket statement or diagnosis that covers all introverts and depressed people, you know? There are things going on that aren't evident in this discussion, which makes it impossible to generalize about introverts and depression.
You feel bad for him, yet you know the relationship may not be good for you. You're taking care of yourself (by breaking it off), and you want to help him. It's a tough spot to be in, and you need to objectively decide what's best for you first.
Is there a way you can do both? Be a friend to him, and not let yourself get too intimately involved?
The thing with introverts and depressed feelings -- or just introverts or just people who are depressed -- is that it depends on who they are as people. I don't think there's a blanket statement or diagnosis that covers all introverts and depressed people, you know? There are things going on that aren't evident in this discussion, which makes it impossible to generalize about introverts and depression.
You feel bad for him, yet you know the relationship may not be good for you. You're taking care of yourself (by breaking it off), and you want to help him. It's a tough spot to be in, and you need to objectively decide what's best for you first.
Is there a way you can do both? Be a friend to him, and not let yourself get too intimately involved?
Sep 17, 2008 11:45 AM
Guest
:
Yearning for advice:
I am engaged to someone I feel I don't know. I worked with him for a couple of years, he was married at the time. He became divorced and we started seeing one another 1.5 years after his divorce. We had a very short dating period before he moved out of state. We dated long distance for a while then I moved to live with him after we got engaged. Since I have been living with him, I have become aware of being lied to about a variety of things: girls he was talking to, and random things that mostly revolve around the opposite sex, that seem harmless but still lies about? He also lies about things that he knows I would like him to do or personal business he needs to take care of but has delayed in doing them. These things have caused me to lose trust. Integrity and character are far more important to me than any other traits in a man. He is introverted towards me and does not have many (1) friends that he keeps up with. Until we were engaged he was keeping up with multiple woman he called friends. He is closed off, doesn't freely open up about anything on an intimate level, nothing. He doesn't open up about anything that relates to our relationship and if I want to know something/anything..his day...I always have to ask, pick for information. It is emotionally draining. This behavior is also displayed in our physical relationship. He does not initiate physical contact. The trust issue has caused arguments and often he talks in circles and back peddles which puts more distance between us. But, since the moment I have been living with him, we sleep on opposite sides of the bed. I cry at times because I know he masturbates weekly, yet he won't touch me. I am at a loss of understanding his introverted personality. He views my concerns as criticizing him. I would like him to take a look at his behavior, the introvertedness, being secretive and lying at any level as the red flag concerns they are. Instead of talking and taking an assertive approach to resolution, he sulks and becomes more closed off. I crave for a man's touch and assertive nature. I have a calm and kind nature, but this relationship has me so frustrated I yell when we argue. I seem to always be the communicator and decide things because he doesn't, even things as little as what leisure activities we want to do during free time. I feel like I am trying to peel life out of a rock. I recently postponed wedding planning because I know we need resolution. Help!
I am engaged to someone I feel I don't know. I worked with him for a couple of years, he was married at the time. He became divorced and we started seeing one another 1.5 years after his divorce. We had a very short dating period before he moved out of state. We dated long distance for a while then I moved to live with him after we got engaged. Since I have been living with him, I have become aware of being lied to about a variety of things: girls he was talking to, and random things that mostly revolve around the opposite sex, that seem harmless but still lies about? He also lies about things that he knows I would like him to do or personal business he needs to take care of but has delayed in doing them. These things have caused me to lose trust. Integrity and character are far more important to me than any other traits in a man. He is introverted towards me and does not have many (1) friends that he keeps up with. Until we were engaged he was keeping up with multiple woman he called friends. He is closed off, doesn't freely open up about anything on an intimate level, nothing. He doesn't open up about anything that relates to our relationship and if I want to know something/anything..his day...I always have to ask, pick for information. It is emotionally draining. This behavior is also displayed in our physical relationship. He does not initiate physical contact. The trust issue has caused arguments and often he talks in circles and back peddles which puts more distance between us. But, since the moment I have been living with him, we sleep on opposite sides of the bed. I cry at times because I know he masturbates weekly, yet he won't touch me. I am at a loss of understanding his introverted personality. He views my concerns as criticizing him. I would like him to take a look at his behavior, the introvertedness, being secretive and lying at any level as the red flag concerns they are. Instead of talking and taking an assertive approach to resolution, he sulks and becomes more closed off. I crave for a man's touch and assertive nature. I have a calm and kind nature, but this relationship has me so frustrated I yell when we argue. I seem to always be the communicator and decide things because he doesn't, even things as little as what leisure activities we want to do during free time. I feel like I am trying to peel life out of a rock. I recently postponed wedding planning because I know we need resolution. Help!
Sep 30, 2008 3:43 PM
Guest
:
hi i've been in a relationship for 1 year...and ive cheated on my
girlfriend numerous times. now i dont want to cheat anymore and i havent
been but now i feel so insecure about her shes never given me a reason to
doubt her but i dont. plz help......
Oct 6, 2008 6:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Good for you for postponing the wedding.......If you're engaged to someone
you feel you don't know, then it's time to call off the engagement!!
Marriage is difficult even when you know and love your partner deeply --
and if you're having problems before you get married, then you HAVE to
resolve them before you go forward with the wedding.
How are you resolving your problems?
How are you resolving your problems?
Oct 6, 2008 6:10 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I guess you're worried your girlfriend will cheat because you yourself have
cheated in the past. You're projecting your feelings onto her. You have to
trust yourself, and trust her, and work on building a strong, healthy
relationship. How? By talking about your feelings, and learning about what
love and trust really means by talking to wise people and reading good
books.
Sometimes couples counseling helps, too.
Sometimes couples counseling helps, too.
Oct 14, 2008 1:08 PM
Guest
:
Dr. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen:
I came across this site after attending a counseling session today. I am married, and have cheated twice on my wife. She caught me, I lied about it, and then lied some more. She caught me in more lies. Our marriage hangs by a thread, and she assumes (I cannot blame her) that I have left out other affairs, other lies. I strayed less than two years ago, and did it two ways: physically (with one woman, with whom I did not share many thoughts or feelings) and emotionally (with another, with whom I never slept but revealed much about myself). This went on for 18 months.
I am convinced I can change my character, to expunge whatever is in me that makes me lie and cheat. She is not sure, but is willing to let me try. She also wants me to apologize for specific indiscretions that I inflicted on her. This is not easy, because it forces me to admit that I have been lacking as a husband and dad. I have created the illusion among friends and acquaintances that I am a good husband and parent. Now, I am having to reassess my life, and the wrong turns I've made. No less than our future together turns on this. And I have no guarantee that she will decide to go forward with our lives together. It is frightening.
I am working hard to make these corrections. As I said, I am in counseling, which brings up some old issues going back to childhood and, I guess, a fear of intimacy. I've also found another man to whom I am accountable; we meet once a week to compare notes on what we have said and done. I have altered my schedule to spend more time at home. She has cell phone, credit card and bank records. I am attentive and loving, when she allows it. When she fusses at me, I take it (This is not easy; I shy away from such confrontations.) I am doing this because I believe we can survive this, and, given time, perhaps even come out with a stronger union.
I need to make amends to her and make my life a better one. I guess I am asking you if this is impossible to do.
I came across this site after attending a counseling session today. I am married, and have cheated twice on my wife. She caught me, I lied about it, and then lied some more. She caught me in more lies. Our marriage hangs by a thread, and she assumes (I cannot blame her) that I have left out other affairs, other lies. I strayed less than two years ago, and did it two ways: physically (with one woman, with whom I did not share many thoughts or feelings) and emotionally (with another, with whom I never slept but revealed much about myself). This went on for 18 months.
I am convinced I can change my character, to expunge whatever is in me that makes me lie and cheat. She is not sure, but is willing to let me try. She also wants me to apologize for specific indiscretions that I inflicted on her. This is not easy, because it forces me to admit that I have been lacking as a husband and dad. I have created the illusion among friends and acquaintances that I am a good husband and parent. Now, I am having to reassess my life, and the wrong turns I've made. No less than our future together turns on this. And I have no guarantee that she will decide to go forward with our lives together. It is frightening.
I am working hard to make these corrections. As I said, I am in counseling, which brings up some old issues going back to childhood and, I guess, a fear of intimacy. I've also found another man to whom I am accountable; we meet once a week to compare notes on what we have said and done. I have altered my schedule to spend more time at home. She has cell phone, credit card and bank records. I am attentive and loving, when she allows it. When she fusses at me, I take it (This is not easy; I shy away from such confrontations.) I am doing this because I believe we can survive this, and, given time, perhaps even come out with a stronger union.
I need to make amends to her and make my life a better one. I guess I am asking you if this is impossible to do.
Oct 14, 2008 3:08 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Yes, it's definitely possible to re-build your relationship -- but it'll
take some serious commitment and hard work (as you're already seeing!). Is
your wife in counseling with you? That would be very wise, for the two of
you to see a therapist together. The counselor or therapist can help you
figure out what the exact problems are, and how to deal with those
problems.
Good luck - and don't lose hope. The fact that your wife is still with you means something!
Good luck - and don't lose hope. The fact that your wife is still with you means something!
Oct 15, 2008 6:41 AM
Guest
:
Dr. Pawlik-Kienlen:
I am the person who wrote the Oct. 14 post about the two affairs, and my efforts to rebuild a relationship.
My wife has had counseling in the past about some childhood issues, which of course aren't related to me. She has attended a few sessions with me, at my counselor's suggestion, and says she will seek individual counseling if she feels that it's necessary. In the meantime, she has said, I need to look after my own counseling needs -- and to keep any counseling suggestions to myself. Fair enough.
We had a talk last night about past disappointments in our relationship, and I took some solace from that. If we'd had that talk a few years ago, we might not be in crisis now. This was a talk I initiated.
She will attend counseling sessions with me on occasion; this was the counselor's suggestion, and we agreed. At present, I am sure I need more therapy that she. I am the one who cheated, and when confronted, lied and lied.
Any thoughts, of course, are welcome.
I am the person who wrote the Oct. 14 post about the two affairs, and my efforts to rebuild a relationship.
My wife has had counseling in the past about some childhood issues, which of course aren't related to me. She has attended a few sessions with me, at my counselor's suggestion, and says she will seek individual counseling if she feels that it's necessary. In the meantime, she has said, I need to look after my own counseling needs -- and to keep any counseling suggestions to myself. Fair enough.
We had a talk last night about past disappointments in our relationship, and I took some solace from that. If we'd had that talk a few years ago, we might not be in crisis now. This was a talk I initiated.
She will attend counseling sessions with me on occasion; this was the counselor's suggestion, and we agreed. At present, I am sure I need more therapy that she. I am the one who cheated, and when confronted, lied and lied.
Any thoughts, of course, are welcome.
Nov 1, 2008 8:23 AM
Guest
:
Dr. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I am a wife and mother of one. I cheated while engaged and am now after 12 years of marrage have an emotional relationship attatchment to someone else. My husband hasn't met my needs I told him how he could I tell him everything I realize this is my problem. He has not made many attempts. However,the other person doesn't know how I feel the feelings are so that I feel I need to say but my husband says if I disclose my feelings we are divorced...I can't seem to move forward we are no longer able to communicate and I havent' even done anything. We are not even sleeping together and he keeps leaving we have gotten past verbal and he is now hitting walls and neither one of us wants to leave or feels we have a place to go. We had a miscarrage two years ago the same month he lost his job and we burried our family dog of 10 years our daughter was two at the time. I have been suggesting we do things to move forward and he didn't help me with doing anything on top of it all we worked together and that emotional relationship is with our boss. Biggest deal now he wants to do all the things I have been suggesting but I am so resentful and aggrevated about all this stuff were not doing and no one can seem to get us in for counciling before another month....struggling
I am a wife and mother of one. I cheated while engaged and am now after 12 years of marrage have an emotional relationship attatchment to someone else. My husband hasn't met my needs I told him how he could I tell him everything I realize this is my problem. He has not made many attempts. However,the other person doesn't know how I feel the feelings are so that I feel I need to say but my husband says if I disclose my feelings we are divorced...I can't seem to move forward we are no longer able to communicate and I havent' even done anything. We are not even sleeping together and he keeps leaving we have gotten past verbal and he is now hitting walls and neither one of us wants to leave or feels we have a place to go. We had a miscarrage two years ago the same month he lost his job and we burried our family dog of 10 years our daughter was two at the time. I have been suggesting we do things to move forward and he didn't help me with doing anything on top of it all we worked together and that emotional relationship is with our boss. Biggest deal now he wants to do all the things I have been suggesting but I am so resentful and aggrevated about all this stuff were not doing and no one can seem to get us in for counciling before another month....struggling
Nov 2, 2008 4:37 PM
tw2048 :
My situation is very similiar to the Guest who wrote on Oct 14. I had two
affairs; 22 years ago and 2 years ago. The first was brief, the second was
more emotional and continued almost 2 years.
Since the second I have been in counseling and working with an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) counsler. Over the last year progress has been slow and my wife has been extremely patient. One of her key issues with me is my continued lack of responsiveness to situations where she needs my support. I know changing deep rooted behaviors is difficult and I get upset when I realize I "blew" another chance to show my wife she matters and that I get it.
My wife's patience is gone. She wants me to leave because she does not want to deal with the anger, hurt and frustration while I work to change old behaviors that are supposed to lead to a more intimate relationship and communications.
I may not be able to salvage this marriage, but for anyone reading this who recognizes they have intimacy issues, get help. Work hard at it; take chances, realize that the inner child may not be in the same environment as many years before.
This feels like an addication. I know what needs to change yet I feel more comfortable in this disfunctional life I've continued to foster and develop. It is sad and disappointing that after 32 years of marriage I will have to tell my childrenthat I cheated on their mother, and given the opportunity to correct things, I failed at that too.
Thanks for listening
Since the second I have been in counseling and working with an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) counsler. Over the last year progress has been slow and my wife has been extremely patient. One of her key issues with me is my continued lack of responsiveness to situations where she needs my support. I know changing deep rooted behaviors is difficult and I get upset when I realize I "blew" another chance to show my wife she matters and that I get it.
My wife's patience is gone. She wants me to leave because she does not want to deal with the anger, hurt and frustration while I work to change old behaviors that are supposed to lead to a more intimate relationship and communications.
I may not be able to salvage this marriage, but for anyone reading this who recognizes they have intimacy issues, get help. Work hard at it; take chances, realize that the inner child may not be in the same environment as many years before.
This feels like an addication. I know what needs to change yet I feel more comfortable in this disfunctional life I've continued to foster and develop. It is sad and disappointing that after 32 years of marriage I will have to tell my childrenthat I cheated on their mother, and given the opportunity to correct things, I failed at that too.
Thanks for listening
Nov 11, 2008 12:48 PM
Guest
:
Hi,
I am a 23 year old male and I have ongoing struggles in my everday relationship. Its not that my girlfiend is the struggle- it is me personally that is the problem. When I first met my girlfriend 2 years ago next month, I thought that she was by far the hottest thing walking but now that I am two years in I am fighting to belive this everyday. I look at her on some weeks and she is such a knock out and on other weeks I am like not attracted to her, this is very wierd. However there is alot more behind this. I am currently on 100 miliagrams of Zoloft and I do see a doctor. An string of heart breaking events have occured in my life-- My mom passed away 3 years ago, an ex-girlfiend of mine whom I had been dating for almost 4 years broke up with me, my grandfather passed away recently, I was in ICU after I totaled my car last year. All of these tragic events happened in the matter of 3 years--This lead to bad anxiety and the only thing positive in my life has been my girlfriend but I for some reason now matter how hard i try I cannot become intimate with her and I constantly have ongioing negative thoughts about her and it effects my everyday mood almost to the point that it takes over my mind. I am soo confused and need to fugure this out..--it hurts and all I want is to be happy with the person that loves me the most and this is my girlfriend.
Can anyone help me or have an idea of whats going on?
I am a 23 year old male and I have ongoing struggles in my everday relationship. Its not that my girlfiend is the struggle- it is me personally that is the problem. When I first met my girlfriend 2 years ago next month, I thought that she was by far the hottest thing walking but now that I am two years in I am fighting to belive this everyday. I look at her on some weeks and she is such a knock out and on other weeks I am like not attracted to her, this is very wierd. However there is alot more behind this. I am currently on 100 miliagrams of Zoloft and I do see a doctor. An string of heart breaking events have occured in my life-- My mom passed away 3 years ago, an ex-girlfiend of mine whom I had been dating for almost 4 years broke up with me, my grandfather passed away recently, I was in ICU after I totaled my car last year. All of these tragic events happened in the matter of 3 years--This lead to bad anxiety and the only thing positive in my life has been my girlfriend but I for some reason now matter how hard i try I cannot become intimate with her and I constantly have ongioing negative thoughts about her and it effects my everyday mood almost to the point that it takes over my mind. I am soo confused and need to fugure this out..--it hurts and all I want is to be happy with the person that loves me the most and this is my girlfriend.
Can anyone help me or have an idea of whats going on?
Nov 17, 2008 3:52 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It sounds like there's alot going on here! First, you're grieving your
losses, which definitely affects your intimacy levels, interest in your
girlfriend and other aspects of life, and feelings of anxiety. Second,
you're taking Zoloft, which is helpful, but can affect you physically and
emotionally. Third, you've been in a relationship for 2 years -- and
everyone struggles with not always being attracted to their partners! Even
if you were with Catherine Zeta-Jones or whoever you think is the hottest
chick in the world, you couldn't possibly think she's a knock out every
minute of the day!
So, on the one hand, give yourself a break. You're dealing with alot of stuff. On the other hand, talk to your doctor or a counselor to get an objective opinion on your life and reactions. It's not possible to really know you or your situation in a forum like this - to get good help, you need to talk to someone in person.
Good luck - and do come back and give me an update!
Laurie
So, on the one hand, give yourself a break. You're dealing with alot of stuff. On the other hand, talk to your doctor or a counselor to get an objective opinion on your life and reactions. It's not possible to really know you or your situation in a forum like this - to get good help, you need to talk to someone in person.
Good luck - and do come back and give me an update!
Laurie
Nov 21, 2008 5:10 AM
Guest
:
John Santore
Hi
I am feeling insecure in a relationship i am in right it is a constant fear of her leaving out of no where even though she will not she has reassured me even. I was hurt bad recently out of no where My girl freind of 2 yrs broke up with me an since then i have felt hurt and an angyr since and my curretn grilfreind has done nothing wrong an i want to stop feeling this way i wake up feeling it feeling vulnerable what do i do?
Hi
I am feeling insecure in a relationship i am in right it is a constant fear of her leaving out of no where even though she will not she has reassured me even. I was hurt bad recently out of no where My girl freind of 2 yrs broke up with me an since then i have felt hurt and an angyr since and my curretn grilfreind has done nothing wrong an i want to stop feeling this way i wake up feeling it feeling vulnerable what do i do?
Nov 22, 2008 10:30 PM
Guest
:
My husband has used things that I have opened up to him about as tools to
hurt me when we argue. I have found myself completly shut off to him, have
no desire for sex and resent him. He blames my negative attitude and
inability to be happy on why I feel so depressed,and thinks I play the
victim. But I have achieved a lot in my life even through hardships, I
have never acted like a victim. I think I just feel lonely. Not sure what
to do, I have small children and want to continue to raise them and not
have to put them in Childcare.
Nov 28, 2008 6:28 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
John - first, you need to figure out why you're so afraid of her leaving
you! Once you discover why you've got this fear of rejection, then it may
be easier to deal with it....but locating the source of the problem is
always the best first step.
Lady with the manipulative husband - he needs help! He sounds controlling, negative, and unhealthy - and he's spewing his toxins on you and your relationship (and your kids). I don't know if you can get him into individual or couple counseling, but that seems the best option.......unless he's open to hearing how he's making you feel? Some men are totally willing to change (and women, too) - but they need to be told what's going on. It's all about communication.
Lady with the manipulative husband - he needs help! He sounds controlling, negative, and unhealthy - and he's spewing his toxins on you and your relationship (and your kids). I don't know if you can get him into individual or couple counseling, but that seems the best option.......unless he's open to hearing how he's making you feel? Some men are totally willing to change (and women, too) - but they need to be told what's going on. It's all about communication.
Nov 29, 2008 5:00 PM
Guest
:
Hi,
I have a really hard time opening up to people in general, no matter who it is, a friend, family member, boyfriend. I really don't like people knowing about my weaknesses and how vulnerable I can be.I try to open up but I'm really afraid. I'm currently dating a guy and I don't want to mess it all up, as I have done in previous relationships, simply because I walk away. I freak out when I get too close to someone and walk away. It's maybe because I'm afraid of getting hurt, I don't really know. I question myself, and if I really like him or not, and I end up fooling myself into believing that I don't like him any more, just so I don't get so close.
I really want it to be different this time! I want to be able to have a real relationship with someone, not just a boyfriend but with friends as well.
Help please!!
I have a really hard time opening up to people in general, no matter who it is, a friend, family member, boyfriend. I really don't like people knowing about my weaknesses and how vulnerable I can be.I try to open up but I'm really afraid. I'm currently dating a guy and I don't want to mess it all up, as I have done in previous relationships, simply because I walk away. I freak out when I get too close to someone and walk away. It's maybe because I'm afraid of getting hurt, I don't really know. I question myself, and if I really like him or not, and I end up fooling myself into believing that I don't like him any more, just so I don't get so close.
I really want it to be different this time! I want to be able to have a real relationship with someone, not just a boyfriend but with friends as well.
Help please!!
Dec 1, 2008 7:21 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
You have a lot of insight into your own fears and behaviors of pushing
people away, which is GREAT.
I suggest telling your boyfriend what you've written here. My counselor taught me that a great way to build a healthy relationship is to talk about your relationship, how you communicate with each other, what you think about your relationship, etc.
The very act of sharing how scared you are of opening up and being vulnerable is a step towards overcoming fear of intimacy! Talk to your boyfriend about the possibility of being hurt by him. Talk about the worst thing that can happen if you share your true self and he leaves (and that's the worst thing that can happen, but sometimes broken relationships are the best thing that can happen!).
Think about this. Try it. Let me know what you think, and how it goes!
I suggest telling your boyfriend what you've written here. My counselor taught me that a great way to build a healthy relationship is to talk about your relationship, how you communicate with each other, what you think about your relationship, etc.
The very act of sharing how scared you are of opening up and being vulnerable is a step towards overcoming fear of intimacy! Talk to your boyfriend about the possibility of being hurt by him. Talk about the worst thing that can happen if you share your true self and he leaves (and that's the worst thing that can happen, but sometimes broken relationships are the best thing that can happen!).
Think about this. Try it. Let me know what you think, and how it goes!
Dec 18, 2008 12:22 PM
Guest
:
Here I go again.
I recently left a bad marriage of 19 years and am presently living with a "great guy" and plan on being married this summer. Long story short. I grew up in a 'very' disfunctional family. My dad ignored me and my mom was like living with Hitler. STRICT! There was no sense of love from either of them. I am 45 years old and this will be my 5th marriage. My insecurities are absolutely unreal and has ruined all my past marriages. Jealousy is 'over the top.' I'm jealous over women on t.v. and women we just pass. Not one of the men I've ever been with would have cheated on me. (except for my last husband) He had a girlfriend for 9 years before I decided to leave with our daughter. Now I am with a man who is absolutely wonderful and I'm falling back into the same ole ways. I don't want to lose him, but have been down this road before. Don't know if it's fear of intimacy, my upbringing, or if I'm bi-polar. Who knows? I'm not an ugly woman. People tell me I'm beautiful. I don't understand the root of the problem, how to control it or even what it is. Thought you may have some ideas. By the way... the man I'm with is as honest as the day is long. He's totaly committed to me and I do not think he would ever cheat on me which makes this even "more" confusing. Why am I so jealous or insecure or ... what is it?
Any input would be so helpful to me. Thanks :)
I recently left a bad marriage of 19 years and am presently living with a "great guy" and plan on being married this summer. Long story short. I grew up in a 'very' disfunctional family. My dad ignored me and my mom was like living with Hitler. STRICT! There was no sense of love from either of them. I am 45 years old and this will be my 5th marriage. My insecurities are absolutely unreal and has ruined all my past marriages. Jealousy is 'over the top.' I'm jealous over women on t.v. and women we just pass. Not one of the men I've ever been with would have cheated on me. (except for my last husband) He had a girlfriend for 9 years before I decided to leave with our daughter. Now I am with a man who is absolutely wonderful and I'm falling back into the same ole ways. I don't want to lose him, but have been down this road before. Don't know if it's fear of intimacy, my upbringing, or if I'm bi-polar. Who knows? I'm not an ugly woman. People tell me I'm beautiful. I don't understand the root of the problem, how to control it or even what it is. Thought you may have some ideas. By the way... the man I'm with is as honest as the day is long. He's totaly committed to me and I do not think he would ever cheat on me which makes this even "more" confusing. Why am I so jealous or insecure or ... what is it?
Any input would be so helpful to me. Thanks :)
Dec 19, 2008 7:02 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Only you can answer why you're so insecure and feel jealous so often! To
find the answer, you'd have to look at your past relationships -- including
your family and childhood relationships.
To prevent this jealousy from destroying your relationship, you need to consciously stop yourself from reacting in negative ways. You may be able to do this on your own, but I'd suggest talking to a counselor.
Good luck - and get real with yourself! The happier you are with who you are and where you're going in life, the less likely you'll be jealous and insecure.
Best wishes,
Laurie
To prevent this jealousy from destroying your relationship, you need to consciously stop yourself from reacting in negative ways. You may be able to do this on your own, but I'd suggest talking to a counselor.
Good luck - and get real with yourself! The happier you are with who you are and where you're going in life, the less likely you'll be jealous and insecure.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Dec 23, 2008 4:58 PM
Guest
:
I have been off and on with my boyfriend for three years and I am very
concerned about him. We were off and on for about 2 years and on for the
last year after he asked me to marry him. The main reasons we were off and
on was because my boyfriend would tell me he was going to do something
(like come over my house/take me out) and then stand me up with no
explanation. Eventually he would come back and apologize for what he did
and I would take him back. This was a recurring cycle that I protected
myself from-my father was also not dependable. His mother died about a
year into our relationship (and she was sick for most of it) and this made
his flakyness a lot more severe.
To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.
I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.
To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.
I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.
Dec 23, 2008 6:09 PM
Guest
:
I have been off and on with my boyfriend for three years and I am very
concerned about him. We were off and on for about 2 years and on for the
last year after he asked me to marry him. The main reasons we were off and
on was because my boyfriend would tell me he was going to do something
(like come over my house/take me out) and then stand me up with no
explanation. Eventually he would come back and apologize for what he did
and I would take him back. This was a recurring cycle that I protected
myself from-my father was also not dependable. His mother died about a
year into our relationship (and she was sick for most of it) and this made
his flakyness a lot more severe.
To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.
I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.
To make a long story short I ended up leaving the town we both lived in and we started talking about what went wrong with us. He told me that he was trying to get happy again and also admitted to getting out of a four year relationship that broke his heart before we started dating. Most importantly, he admitted that he was trying to sabotage things with me because he was so afraid to get hurt. He opened up to me throughout this time and I appreciated it. His ability to open up and be honest about his fears and his insecurities gave me the confidence I needed in him to accept his proposal and make a deeper commitment to the relationship. Everything was fine for several months, but I started noticing evidence of his old ways. When I called him out, he was able to tell me that he was scared and that this was very hard for him. I see that he is trying and has come a long way (its not been about 2 years since his mother died) I feel like I can not accept these lapses in his behavior-no matter how much i love him.
I asked him to get therapy because I see him falling into the same patterns of standing me up or disappearing when we make explicit plans with each other and he says he thinks its going to make him seem weak. Its just that the stakes are higher now because we are even more emotionally involved with each other and intertwined in each others lives. I really think he needs to get help but I don't know how to get him to take action and stop sabotaging us. Whenever he does stand me up or disappear when we have plans he goes into a very deep depression and tells me he cant "face me" after hurting me. Its really not healthy for either one of us. Please help me in approaching this. He is an amazing man but the issues are crippling him and us.
Dec 24, 2008 10:43 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It sounds like he's really struggling -- but you can't do anything to solve
his problems. He really needs to find healthy ways to cope with his
issues. You can support him as he works through his problems, but you can't
do more than encourage him to get therapy and face his stuff head on.
If he won't get counseling, then you have to assume things will proceed as they are...which isn't great. He really needs to get his head on straight before he can be part of a healthy committed relationship -- and you may need to let him go until that happens.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Laurie
If he won't get counseling, then you have to assume things will proceed as they are...which isn't great. He really needs to get his head on straight before he can be part of a healthy committed relationship -- and you may need to let him go until that happens.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 5, 2009 10:20 PM
Guest
:
I'm probably gonna sound like an asshole, but I thought I'd give my 2 cents
to the latest comment. You're more worried about what his problems could
do to you. Not what they could do to him. Which is almost selfish, even
if it isn't obvious.
2nd of all, why is he standing you up? Have you ever considered it might be you? I'm sure your thoughts go deeper than your actions, as his do. So he's probably thinking credibly about every time he stands you up. It's not some sort of emotional mistake. So it is his fault. You're acting as if he has reason to when emotional trauma does not give you the right to be traumatic. Especially not in a symbiotic relationship.
3rd of all, you're far too sympathetic. Sympathy has no place in any relationship (granted it's longterm). Sympathy only leads to self-pity that you are in this relationship that you can't leave because you are sympathetic. A vicious circle.
I have one last thing to say, before I sign off. I am not a medical doctor, but he sounds like a histrionic. He sounds like he's standing you up just for the drama and attention. Depression is closely related to histrionicism, and the fact that he went through a lot of trauma recently gave him a lot of attention. He probably enjoyed it, so now he may be subconsciously (or consciously) seeking it.
Now I realize I wrote a lot. But I figured if I was going to say anything, I mine as well be as formal and as proper as I can, considering this is someone's life. I don't expect you to follow my advice. Just remember you are born with a certain amount of seconds and you may choose how to spend them, so far you've spent 2 years with him. There are 31, 556 ,926 seconds in a year.
-Anonymous
2nd of all, why is he standing you up? Have you ever considered it might be you? I'm sure your thoughts go deeper than your actions, as his do. So he's probably thinking credibly about every time he stands you up. It's not some sort of emotional mistake. So it is his fault. You're acting as if he has reason to when emotional trauma does not give you the right to be traumatic. Especially not in a symbiotic relationship.
3rd of all, you're far too sympathetic. Sympathy has no place in any relationship (granted it's longterm). Sympathy only leads to self-pity that you are in this relationship that you can't leave because you are sympathetic. A vicious circle.
I have one last thing to say, before I sign off. I am not a medical doctor, but he sounds like a histrionic. He sounds like he's standing you up just for the drama and attention. Depression is closely related to histrionicism, and the fact that he went through a lot of trauma recently gave him a lot of attention. He probably enjoyed it, so now he may be subconsciously (or consciously) seeking it.
Now I realize I wrote a lot. But I figured if I was going to say anything, I mine as well be as formal and as proper as I can, considering this is someone's life. I don't expect you to follow my advice. Just remember you are born with a certain amount of seconds and you may choose how to spend them, so far you've spent 2 years with him. There are 31, 556 ,926 seconds in a year.
-Anonymous
Feb 7, 2009 3:39 PM
Guest
:
Hi,
I'm a 33 year old mother of one.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 11 years (he's the father of my baby)
We have had a lot of problems in that time, mainly due to me.
I tried to commit suicide when I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant, apparently that was due to my hormones.
I have suffered from severe depression since then, for which I have taken many pills.
We were never the same since then...I felt him drifting from me but I never gave up.
He cheated (on-line) over 2 years ago, finding love with someone else.
I forgave him.
I did the same (kinda, it was a guy I worked with, I had no intention of actually doing anything with him, I just craved attention, we only talked online)
Now, he's left me, a week ago today.
He says that he misses me and that he loves me, but I don't feel it.
I want to tell him that when he came to bed, I wanted to reach for him, hold him, but I can't...
My sex drive is below zero, you'd be lucky if we had had sex 14 times in the last 3 years...
We need help, he's coming to talk on Tuesday, and I can't watch him walk out the door again...
Please help.
I'm a 33 year old mother of one.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 11 years (he's the father of my baby)
We have had a lot of problems in that time, mainly due to me.
I tried to commit suicide when I was only 6-8 weeks pregnant, apparently that was due to my hormones.
I have suffered from severe depression since then, for which I have taken many pills.
We were never the same since then...I felt him drifting from me but I never gave up.
He cheated (on-line) over 2 years ago, finding love with someone else.
I forgave him.
I did the same (kinda, it was a guy I worked with, I had no intention of actually doing anything with him, I just craved attention, we only talked online)
Now, he's left me, a week ago today.
He says that he misses me and that he loves me, but I don't feel it.
I want to tell him that when he came to bed, I wanted to reach for him, hold him, but I can't...
My sex drive is below zero, you'd be lucky if we had had sex 14 times in the last 3 years...
We need help, he's coming to talk on Tuesday, and I can't watch him walk out the door again...
Please help.
Feb 8, 2009 7:40 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It's a good sign that he's coming over to talk -- it seems like you both
want your relationship to work, but you can't quite get it going!
I suggest you talk to your doctor, because such a low libido is not only unhealthy for your relationship, it's not good for your own personal health! Sometimes overcoming depression takes a long time of playing with medications and going to counseling -- it's not usually "cured" as soon as you take antidepressants.
To fix your relationship, you may need to tackle your mental and emotional health. Our relationships can be destroyed or strengthened by our own state of mind.....so I encourage you to consider new and different ways to deal with your depression.
I hope this helps. Good luck on Tuesday! Call a help line if you can't get through to your doctor soon enough.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I suggest you talk to your doctor, because such a low libido is not only unhealthy for your relationship, it's not good for your own personal health! Sometimes overcoming depression takes a long time of playing with medications and going to counseling -- it's not usually "cured" as soon as you take antidepressants.
To fix your relationship, you may need to tackle your mental and emotional health. Our relationships can be destroyed or strengthened by our own state of mind.....so I encourage you to consider new and different ways to deal with your depression.
I hope this helps. Good luck on Tuesday! Call a help line if you can't get through to your doctor soon enough.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Feb 22, 2009 9:49 PM
Guest
:
Hi Laurie,
I am absolutely petrified of intimacy, relationships, sex etc...
I have never been in a relationship, pursued one wholly or being fully intimate with anyone.
I'm not really one hundred percent sure why this has happened, my brother and sister are both in relationships, my parents are still married and I have many friends who are in healthy relationships.
I have recently noticed that my self confidence and happiness has taken a real battering, I no longer feel even slightly attractive, I only weigh 55 kg but I feel weighty and ugly in my clothes. I remember when I was younger I told a boy I liked him and he said I would have to buy him and his friends presents before he would even think of going out with me. In high-school I was asked out by a boy but later found out it was a joke between him and his friends. Since than any advance made by anyone I have answered no too, simply because I feel like they are trying to trick me.
My friends think I am sexually repressed because when I am drunk I am the opposite of all of the above.
I've looked at your advice and I am going to try and take it on board, but what about self-confidence, getting into the dating game for the first time...etc for someone who is ABSOLUTELY petrified?
Thankyou.
I am absolutely petrified of intimacy, relationships, sex etc...
I have never been in a relationship, pursued one wholly or being fully intimate with anyone.
I'm not really one hundred percent sure why this has happened, my brother and sister are both in relationships, my parents are still married and I have many friends who are in healthy relationships.
I have recently noticed that my self confidence and happiness has taken a real battering, I no longer feel even slightly attractive, I only weigh 55 kg but I feel weighty and ugly in my clothes. I remember when I was younger I told a boy I liked him and he said I would have to buy him and his friends presents before he would even think of going out with me. In high-school I was asked out by a boy but later found out it was a joke between him and his friends. Since than any advance made by anyone I have answered no too, simply because I feel like they are trying to trick me.
My friends think I am sexually repressed because when I am drunk I am the opposite of all of the above.
I've looked at your advice and I am going to try and take it on board, but what about self-confidence, getting into the dating game for the first time...etc for someone who is ABSOLUTELY petrified?
Thankyou.
Mar 29, 2009 8:19 AM
Guest
:
Our relationship was good - full of caring, love and fun, but I could
always tell that he was holding part of himself back from me. We talked a
lot about it, and he was very honest in saying that he really had a hard
time becoming vulnerable and completely opening himself up. I understood
that basic feeling, because I think we all feel it at some point, however,
I think that most of us move past it as the relationship moves forward. He
never did and our relationship reached the point where we just weren't
moving forward anymore. We took a break for a week to figure things out and
he came back to me saying he had spent a lot of time reading and
researching how he felt and that his fear of opening up to me was a much
deeper issue and he couldn't just sweep it under the rug anymore. If he
did, our relationship would always just be so-so, never the deep
relationship we both wanted. He said that he wanted to get help so that he
could one day have the kind of loving and close relationship that we both
wanted and he has made strides to do that - he is seeing a counselor
currently. He's frustrated because he wants to take a pill or sit in the
counselor's office for the next few weeks until he gets it fixed - he feels
that the process is just moving so slowly.
I think I understand where his fear of intimacy comes from - he was sent to an all-boys boarding school when he was 6, his mom died when he was 21, his dad wasn't really ever a father-figure in his life, a relationship where the other girl cheated on him, etc. All these things have added up to make him how he is today. I understand and I'm very grateful that he is making strides to get the help he needs to move forward.
My question for you is what I should do in the meantime. I know that I have to do what is best for me and what makes me happy, but at this point, I'm not sure. I miss him all the time and I love him whole-heartedly. Our relationship was fantastic, although just missing the one vital piece of him being able to give himself up to me completely. I don't know I should wait for him, hoping he'll fix this and we can come back together, or whether to say goodbye. I'm curious if there is some type of a success rate for couples and people with these issues. I want so badly to wait for him and to help him, but I want to make sure that I shouldn't be running from the situation, that it won't most likely result in more pain down the road.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
I think I understand where his fear of intimacy comes from - he was sent to an all-boys boarding school when he was 6, his mom died when he was 21, his dad wasn't really ever a father-figure in his life, a relationship where the other girl cheated on him, etc. All these things have added up to make him how he is today. I understand and I'm very grateful that he is making strides to get the help he needs to move forward.
My question for you is what I should do in the meantime. I know that I have to do what is best for me and what makes me happy, but at this point, I'm not sure. I miss him all the time and I love him whole-heartedly. Our relationship was fantastic, although just missing the one vital piece of him being able to give himself up to me completely. I don't know I should wait for him, hoping he'll fix this and we can come back together, or whether to say goodbye. I'm curious if there is some type of a success rate for couples and people with these issues. I want so badly to wait for him and to help him, but I want to make sure that I shouldn't be running from the situation, that it won't most likely result in more pain down the road.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Mar 29, 2009 9:17 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
First, let me commend both you and your boyfriend -- you're talking openly
and honestly, and he's getting help for his intimacy issues! That's great,
and it's an indication that your relationship could easily be a healthy,
successful one. You can't help him the way he needs to be helped.
I understand his wanting a "quick fix" -- dealing with emotional issues is draining, time-consuming, and difficult. Counseling gets to the very heart of you and is difficult for anyone (especially men, who aren't usually as comfortable discussing their feelings). But, he probably already knows that there are no quick fixes for fear of intimacy...which is why he's getting help. He's a good man!
I don't know the stats for this type of relationship problem and how it ends (I suspect teasing out fear of intimacy as a cause of relationship breakdown would be difficult, as there's often several factors that drive couples apart - not just one). But, I do know that couples who are willing to work through their difficulties, who have a strong relationship otherwise, and who genuinely have fun together and respect one another are more likely to stick it out through the rough times.
I suggest giving him a certain amount of time (3 months? 6 months? it's up to you) to work on his issues by himself. It's not a deadline or an ultimatum -- it's just a waiting period. Take that 3 or 6 months and focus on your own life, your personal growth or hobbies or classes or vacations or lifestyle changes....just let him, yourself, and your relationship settle without the pressure of having to make a major life decision.
Then, after the time has lapsed, check in with both him and your own heart. Has anything changed? Do you need another 3 months, or can you make a decision? Trust yourself. You'll know when it's time to make the call...and it doesn't sound like the time is now.
This time period prevents you from waiting indefinitely, and gives you breathing space. At the end of your time, you may be ready to take the next step - whatever it may be.
Also -- dealing with fear of intimacy (and the related attachment issues) can be a lifelong process. Once he figures out the whys and hows, he'll need to re-learn how to relate to you. It takes practice and time -- and it'll no doubt involve backward steps every now and then. He's re-learning a whole new way of relating.
I hope this helps a little, & I look forward to an update!
All best,
Laurie
I understand his wanting a "quick fix" -- dealing with emotional issues is draining, time-consuming, and difficult. Counseling gets to the very heart of you and is difficult for anyone (especially men, who aren't usually as comfortable discussing their feelings). But, he probably already knows that there are no quick fixes for fear of intimacy...which is why he's getting help. He's a good man!
I don't know the stats for this type of relationship problem and how it ends (I suspect teasing out fear of intimacy as a cause of relationship breakdown would be difficult, as there's often several factors that drive couples apart - not just one). But, I do know that couples who are willing to work through their difficulties, who have a strong relationship otherwise, and who genuinely have fun together and respect one another are more likely to stick it out through the rough times.
I suggest giving him a certain amount of time (3 months? 6 months? it's up to you) to work on his issues by himself. It's not a deadline or an ultimatum -- it's just a waiting period. Take that 3 or 6 months and focus on your own life, your personal growth or hobbies or classes or vacations or lifestyle changes....just let him, yourself, and your relationship settle without the pressure of having to make a major life decision.
Then, after the time has lapsed, check in with both him and your own heart. Has anything changed? Do you need another 3 months, or can you make a decision? Trust yourself. You'll know when it's time to make the call...and it doesn't sound like the time is now.
This time period prevents you from waiting indefinitely, and gives you breathing space. At the end of your time, you may be ready to take the next step - whatever it may be.
Also -- dealing with fear of intimacy (and the related attachment issues) can be a lifelong process. Once he figures out the whys and hows, he'll need to re-learn how to relate to you. It takes practice and time -- and it'll no doubt involve backward steps every now and then. He's re-learning a whole new way of relating.
I hope this helps a little, & I look forward to an update!
All best,
Laurie
Apr 1, 2009 11:10 PM
Guest
:
Hi laurie
Thanks for the article. My issue is i am ready to date my co-worker. I have fear of itimacy. I always seem to push guys away and make excuses. I have been sending hin mix signals b/c i have mixed emotions. I dont want to hurt him or get hurt. I know i must make a decision soon b/c he has been making stronger advances toward me. He has been nudging me to make a decision if we are going to date or not.. I am attractive to him. I think there are lot things that make us compatible and some that dont make us a great match.. With my fear of intimacy , he has already broken through some of my walls and barriers,We are friends and getting closer every day. I share intimate thoughts , and fears so i feel like if we date he would understand and be patient with my issue.. On the other hand , we are not good match b/c of 2 major issue 1) extremely differnt religious views 2) he goes out and drinks and hang out with friends every night- extremelty active and me i am not that active, one time every other month i go out with friends .. I am not sure if it is fear intimacy holding me back or the 2 major issue. How can i know.
Thanks for the article. My issue is i am ready to date my co-worker. I have fear of itimacy. I always seem to push guys away and make excuses. I have been sending hin mix signals b/c i have mixed emotions. I dont want to hurt him or get hurt. I know i must make a decision soon b/c he has been making stronger advances toward me. He has been nudging me to make a decision if we are going to date or not.. I am attractive to him. I think there are lot things that make us compatible and some that dont make us a great match.. With my fear of intimacy , he has already broken through some of my walls and barriers,We are friends and getting closer every day. I share intimate thoughts , and fears so i feel like if we date he would understand and be patient with my issue.. On the other hand , we are not good match b/c of 2 major issue 1) extremely differnt religious views 2) he goes out and drinks and hang out with friends every night- extremelty active and me i am not that active, one time every other month i go out with friends .. I am not sure if it is fear intimacy holding me back or the 2 major issue. How can i know.
Apr 2, 2009 8:09 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
That's a great (and difficult!) question: is it fear of intimacy or do you
have legitimate questions about the relationship potential with this
man?
One red flag is the fact that you're coworkers. If it doesn't work out, or if you deal with the normal relationship problems we usually face, then it makes it awkward on the job. Some experts recommend never, ever dating a coworker -- but, that said, it does work for some people.
He sounds more like an extrovert; he likes to spend lots of time with his friends. You sound more introverted...you prefer time alone, not out with friends all the time. While this can work in a relationship, it does take compromise, acceptance, and understanding. You need to decide if it's "worth it" to work on a relationship with him. Any relationship takes work, but some are much, much easier than others.
If you're having trouble trusting your instincts (about whether it's fear of intimacy or incompatibility issues) -- remember that you're not alone! This is a major decision for most people, whether they have a fear of intimacy or not. So, take comfort that it's not just you.
One of the best ways to determine if you're compatible is time. Don't let him push you into dating before you're ready! Take the time to carefully weight the pros and cons -- if he wasn't a coworker, it'd be easier. But the fact that you work with him makes it a more important decision.
I don't know if you're dealing with fear of intimacy or simply a healthy acknowledgment of reality.....but you can find out if it's fear of intimacy by figuring out why you're so afraid, accepting that you're going to get hurt no matter what (we ALL get hurt, even if we're 100% loved by our partners, families, and friends), and opening yourself up bit by bit to someone you trust.
Maybe an objective checklist would help: Would you be proud and happy to introduce him to your family and friends? Do you trust him? If things didn't work out, could you still work with him? Would you recommend that your sister or friend date him? Why is he out with his friends every night -- do you have the same relationship goals?
I'm running out of room to write, but I hope this has helped a little! And remember - there's no hurry to date him NOW. Go as slow as you need.
Best,
Laurie
One red flag is the fact that you're coworkers. If it doesn't work out, or if you deal with the normal relationship problems we usually face, then it makes it awkward on the job. Some experts recommend never, ever dating a coworker -- but, that said, it does work for some people.
He sounds more like an extrovert; he likes to spend lots of time with his friends. You sound more introverted...you prefer time alone, not out with friends all the time. While this can work in a relationship, it does take compromise, acceptance, and understanding. You need to decide if it's "worth it" to work on a relationship with him. Any relationship takes work, but some are much, much easier than others.
If you're having trouble trusting your instincts (about whether it's fear of intimacy or incompatibility issues) -- remember that you're not alone! This is a major decision for most people, whether they have a fear of intimacy or not. So, take comfort that it's not just you.
One of the best ways to determine if you're compatible is time. Don't let him push you into dating before you're ready! Take the time to carefully weight the pros and cons -- if he wasn't a coworker, it'd be easier. But the fact that you work with him makes it a more important decision.
I don't know if you're dealing with fear of intimacy or simply a healthy acknowledgment of reality.....but you can find out if it's fear of intimacy by figuring out why you're so afraid, accepting that you're going to get hurt no matter what (we ALL get hurt, even if we're 100% loved by our partners, families, and friends), and opening yourself up bit by bit to someone you trust.
Maybe an objective checklist would help: Would you be proud and happy to introduce him to your family and friends? Do you trust him? If things didn't work out, could you still work with him? Would you recommend that your sister or friend date him? Why is he out with his friends every night -- do you have the same relationship goals?
I'm running out of room to write, but I hope this has helped a little! And remember - there's no hurry to date him NOW. Go as slow as you need.
Best,
Laurie
Apr 13, 2009 2:11 PM
Guest
:
Hi Laurie,
I am currently single, and have never really been in a solid relationship with a woman and want to, but I have this constant fear that Im going to be cheated on or be the one who will cheat on my partner. I don't know why this is. I want to be intimate with woman, have those moments and make her feel good, but there is this constant fear that has continuously cost me the opportunity to be with some great women and I have no clue what to do. At one point in my life my parents split up for 6 months and got back together, but I know they are still unhappy together. Im currently seeing a therapist for being emotionally abused by my mom (i know off topic, but thought it might add to why im afraid), but my therapist keeps on telling me to ask my dad if my mom cheated on him. My fear is my dad leaving again, but this fear of being cheated on is even greater. Any advice would be much appreciated
Thanks
I am currently single, and have never really been in a solid relationship with a woman and want to, but I have this constant fear that Im going to be cheated on or be the one who will cheat on my partner. I don't know why this is. I want to be intimate with woman, have those moments and make her feel good, but there is this constant fear that has continuously cost me the opportunity to be with some great women and I have no clue what to do. At one point in my life my parents split up for 6 months and got back together, but I know they are still unhappy together. Im currently seeing a therapist for being emotionally abused by my mom (i know off topic, but thought it might add to why im afraid), but my therapist keeps on telling me to ask my dad if my mom cheated on him. My fear is my dad leaving again, but this fear of being cheated on is even greater. Any advice would be much appreciated
Thanks
Apr 13, 2009 4:07 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I think it's great that you're seeing a therapist!
Though I can't offer psychological advice, I will encourage you to separate your childhood and feelings about your parents' separation from your own life.
Our parents and our childhoods affect who we are, but they don't have to dictate how we live. Whether or not your parents dealt with infidelity -- you need to learn to trust yourself, your partner, and your relationship. How? It doesn't happen overnight -- it's definitely a process.
One step is to realize that your parents' relationship has nothing to do with yours! You don't have to follow in your parent's footsteps!
Plus, you ARE strong enough to deal with whatever may happen in your future relationship or marriage. Often, the anticipation of events is far worse than the actual experience. I'm not saying broken intimacy is a walk in the park, but...the worst thing we can imagine rarely happens. And if/when it does, it's far easier to handle than we think.
Another important thing to remember is the "self-fulfillng prophecy" concept. We can actually create circumstances by expecting them to happen. So, if you expect your girlfriend or wife to cheat, you could act in ways that pushes her away...and voila. She may stray. It's so important to build your relationship on trust, intimacy, and faith -- or your foundation is too shaky.
I also suggest you follow your therapist's advice, and talk to your mom and dad about the possible infidelity. Talk to them about their marriage if possible (it may not be, but talking sure sheds light on issues and childhoods!).
You CAN overcome your fear of intimacy! You just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and afraid -- and that discomfort and fear DOES go away.
Finally, remember that people who cheat often signal their weaknesses early in the relationship. Flirting with people, not wanting to make compromises -- there are many ways that people show they won't be great partners. You'll need to find the balance between trusting your gut and not letting fear run your life.
I hope this helped a little -- and I'm impressed that you're working on your issues! Feel the fear and do it anyway, my friend. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Do update me!
All best,
Laurie
Though I can't offer psychological advice, I will encourage you to separate your childhood and feelings about your parents' separation from your own life.
Our parents and our childhoods affect who we are, but they don't have to dictate how we live. Whether or not your parents dealt with infidelity -- you need to learn to trust yourself, your partner, and your relationship. How? It doesn't happen overnight -- it's definitely a process.
One step is to realize that your parents' relationship has nothing to do with yours! You don't have to follow in your parent's footsteps!
Plus, you ARE strong enough to deal with whatever may happen in your future relationship or marriage. Often, the anticipation of events is far worse than the actual experience. I'm not saying broken intimacy is a walk in the park, but...the worst thing we can imagine rarely happens. And if/when it does, it's far easier to handle than we think.
Another important thing to remember is the "self-fulfillng prophecy" concept. We can actually create circumstances by expecting them to happen. So, if you expect your girlfriend or wife to cheat, you could act in ways that pushes her away...and voila. She may stray. It's so important to build your relationship on trust, intimacy, and faith -- or your foundation is too shaky.
I also suggest you follow your therapist's advice, and talk to your mom and dad about the possible infidelity. Talk to them about their marriage if possible (it may not be, but talking sure sheds light on issues and childhoods!).
You CAN overcome your fear of intimacy! You just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and afraid -- and that discomfort and fear DOES go away.
Finally, remember that people who cheat often signal their weaknesses early in the relationship. Flirting with people, not wanting to make compromises -- there are many ways that people show they won't be great partners. You'll need to find the balance between trusting your gut and not letting fear run your life.
I hope this helped a little -- and I'm impressed that you're working on your issues! Feel the fear and do it anyway, my friend. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Do update me!
All best,
Laurie
Apr 15, 2009 2:58 AM
Guest
:
Laurie,
2months after dating me and my current girlfriend starting going out. ive had bad experiences in the past with being cheated on. she says "Im not going anywhere", "i care about you a lot" and "I AM WITH YOU" when shes a bit angry because i stress quite a lot. I get jealous and angry when she speaks to other men and my own friends - anxiety kicks in when i see them laughing or shes ignoring me for them. We've been together including dating for 3months or so now and sometimes when we meet still do not hold hands an dwe only hug goodbye, thats it. We've done nothing in the bedroom department either. I also hate the fact that i know shes been with and done everything with other men..i find it hard to accept. I cant trust her even thought i seriously want to..shes told me to see someone about my anxiety but im worried she'll just get annoyed eventually and leave.
Any quick fix's here please?
2months after dating me and my current girlfriend starting going out. ive had bad experiences in the past with being cheated on. she says "Im not going anywhere", "i care about you a lot" and "I AM WITH YOU" when shes a bit angry because i stress quite a lot. I get jealous and angry when she speaks to other men and my own friends - anxiety kicks in when i see them laughing or shes ignoring me for them. We've been together including dating for 3months or so now and sometimes when we meet still do not hold hands an dwe only hug goodbye, thats it. We've done nothing in the bedroom department either. I also hate the fact that i know shes been with and done everything with other men..i find it hard to accept. I cant trust her even thought i seriously want to..shes told me to see someone about my anxiety but im worried she'll just get annoyed eventually and leave.
Any quick fix's here please?
Apr 15, 2009 7:01 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
No, there aren't any quick fixes, I'm sorry to say! And you're right: she
may eventually get annoyed and leave.
Take her advice, and see someone about your anxiety levels and fear of intimacy. Not only will it help you in the long run, it will show her that you're serious about self-growth and building a healthy, strong relationship. She'll love you for it -- and you'll benefit from a less anxious, fearful, insecure outlook on life!
Take her advice, and see someone about your anxiety levels and fear of intimacy. Not only will it help you in the long run, it will show her that you're serious about self-growth and building a healthy, strong relationship. She'll love you for it -- and you'll benefit from a less anxious, fearful, insecure outlook on life!
Apr 16, 2009 6:54 AM
Guest
:
I've been in an on/off relationship for three years. We've broken up
several times because he said he didn't feel enough for me to maintain the
relationship. He always came back, however, with increasing levels of
commitment. In the last 9 months, we've been extremely close. We've become
extremely involved with each other's family, friends, went on hoidays,
recently talked of moving in.
We get along wonderfully and there is a lot of love between us, but there always seems to be a wall we hit in our relationship, especially when we agree to commit. He loses desire to sleep with me and sex becomes a tense issue, and he begins to question whether he feels 'enough' for me or whether it's platonic. He has always been very independent to the point of pushing people away, and has never had a successful relationship. He says he doesn't know whether his problem is an issue with intimacy or with his feelings for me. Having your partner come after you and then tell you they don't think they love you is obviously difficult. He's at least respectful about it now but still quite tactless, and in past years has been downright mean, and has insulted me physically.
My previous relationships have been relatively healthy. This one isn't giving me a lot, and it's impacted my self esteem, but I seem to be stuck in a loop of feeling like if we could just get past some wall that comes up, we could just get on with enjoying each other. I've started to consider what issues this indicates I have - is my need for intimacy or validation overwhelming - but I don't truly think it's the case (other than when I'm at my most low).
As it stands, we're near the point of breaking up but I'm feeling really awful about it and so wish I could do something about the situation. Or at least figure out how to avoid going back to him when he's been alone for a few months and feels the emptiness that seems to lead him back to me. Each time it happens I feel like it's an indication that his feelings for me are strong, and each time is a bit better than the last, but each time it ends up in the same place. And I'm just as scared that he won't come back.
I know the obvious answer is to leave, but I'm finding it hard to accept that he doesn't love me and let go of the relationship. Maybe I'm just dwelling on this fear of intimacy thing to find something to 'fix', but it's one of the only ways I can make sense of his behavior.
Any thoughts appreciated.
We get along wonderfully and there is a lot of love between us, but there always seems to be a wall we hit in our relationship, especially when we agree to commit. He loses desire to sleep with me and sex becomes a tense issue, and he begins to question whether he feels 'enough' for me or whether it's platonic. He has always been very independent to the point of pushing people away, and has never had a successful relationship. He says he doesn't know whether his problem is an issue with intimacy or with his feelings for me. Having your partner come after you and then tell you they don't think they love you is obviously difficult. He's at least respectful about it now but still quite tactless, and in past years has been downright mean, and has insulted me physically.
My previous relationships have been relatively healthy. This one isn't giving me a lot, and it's impacted my self esteem, but I seem to be stuck in a loop of feeling like if we could just get past some wall that comes up, we could just get on with enjoying each other. I've started to consider what issues this indicates I have - is my need for intimacy or validation overwhelming - but I don't truly think it's the case (other than when I'm at my most low).
As it stands, we're near the point of breaking up but I'm feeling really awful about it and so wish I could do something about the situation. Or at least figure out how to avoid going back to him when he's been alone for a few months and feels the emptiness that seems to lead him back to me. Each time it happens I feel like it's an indication that his feelings for me are strong, and each time is a bit better than the last, but each time it ends up in the same place. And I'm just as scared that he won't come back.
I know the obvious answer is to leave, but I'm finding it hard to accept that he doesn't love me and let go of the relationship. Maybe I'm just dwelling on this fear of intimacy thing to find something to 'fix', but it's one of the only ways I can make sense of his behavior.
Any thoughts appreciated.
Jun 3, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest
:
Hello Laurie,
I 've been living with my current partner for 4 years and I'm afraid that my ongoing struggle with intamacy is going to kill this realtionship. I'm 45 and was married for 15 years prior to this realtionship, I'm troubled by my level of immaturity that these issues have brought forth.
My partner pointed out to me early in our relationship, that I seemed to have an aversion to talking about " Us" I could talk all day about trivial things, but when it came to discussing issues in our relatonship i'd go blank, or panic , preparing to be accused of something he might dislike.
I vear off in other directions in discussions and THINK i'm still on point. My speach pattern gets broken up into strange segments, and I get stuck in the middle of a sentance, unable to hold onto the thought. My mind will race and then i can't seem to explain myself.
It seems that as soon as he asked questions about certain behaviors, Ive taken it and turned it into some kind of 'slam" on me as a person.
It's as if I have no consistancy as a person. I fade in and out of things.. I'll want to be physically close then back away. The " Pull me in then push away" thing is making him crazy.
He questions my desire for him also because i rarely initiate sexual situations. The one thing I do know about myself is that if he initiates sex then I wont be rejected. ( being rejected sexually was an issue in my marrage) he has been very patient, but he can't do all the work.. I feel like i have no idea how to be just a person. Some days everything flows fine, but on the days that don't I get so deppressed and become very self depricating and the pattern of my weirdness starts all ove again.
I'v been reading about passive aggresive behaviors, fears of abandonment,etc to try to help me feel comfortable with the fact that it's not just me, that it's the human condition. But really seeing my behaviors and catching myself in the middle of avoiding an issue sometimes makes me wish i could go back to being oblivous to it all.
But I cant, I would really like to have a real relationship with this man, his patients and understanding that issues take time to heal and change can only hold out in hope for so long.
There is alot more than this comment section will allow, I need help to change. Any insight,questions or recomendations for self help would be greatly appricaited.
Thank you.
I 've been living with my current partner for 4 years and I'm afraid that my ongoing struggle with intamacy is going to kill this realtionship. I'm 45 and was married for 15 years prior to this realtionship, I'm troubled by my level of immaturity that these issues have brought forth.
My partner pointed out to me early in our relationship, that I seemed to have an aversion to talking about " Us" I could talk all day about trivial things, but when it came to discussing issues in our relatonship i'd go blank, or panic , preparing to be accused of something he might dislike.
I vear off in other directions in discussions and THINK i'm still on point. My speach pattern gets broken up into strange segments, and I get stuck in the middle of a sentance, unable to hold onto the thought. My mind will race and then i can't seem to explain myself.
It seems that as soon as he asked questions about certain behaviors, Ive taken it and turned it into some kind of 'slam" on me as a person.
It's as if I have no consistancy as a person. I fade in and out of things.. I'll want to be physically close then back away. The " Pull me in then push away" thing is making him crazy.
He questions my desire for him also because i rarely initiate sexual situations. The one thing I do know about myself is that if he initiates sex then I wont be rejected. ( being rejected sexually was an issue in my marrage) he has been very patient, but he can't do all the work.. I feel like i have no idea how to be just a person. Some days everything flows fine, but on the days that don't I get so deppressed and become very self depricating and the pattern of my weirdness starts all ove again.
I'v been reading about passive aggresive behaviors, fears of abandonment,etc to try to help me feel comfortable with the fact that it's not just me, that it's the human condition. But really seeing my behaviors and catching myself in the middle of avoiding an issue sometimes makes me wish i could go back to being oblivous to it all.
But I cant, I would really like to have a real relationship with this man, his patients and understanding that issues take time to heal and change can only hold out in hope for so long.
There is alot more than this comment section will allow, I need help to change. Any insight,questions or recomendations for self help would be greatly appricaited.
Thank you.
Jun 3, 2009 5:12 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Have you considered counseling for your fear of intimacy issues? Often, we
can't see the best answers or reasons for our fears ourselves, because
we're too close to ourselves!
I recommend seeing a counselor at least once. Sometimes, you can go in for an hour and come out with a whole new perspective on life, relationships, yourself...and your fear of intimacy. Or, you may find that you want to work on your fears a little more, and decide to embark on a longer-term relationship with your counselor.
If that isn't an option, I suggest reading books about fear of intimacy with your partner. Again, there's information in there that you can't figure out on your own -- and you'll find that you're not alone!
Finally, I suggest tearing off bite-sized pieces :-) By this I mean that you could try talking about your relationship with your partner for, say, 15 minutes. Seriously: set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes. Sit with your partner, and just talk about the fact that you're uncomfortable with talking about your relationship! Talk about how he feels about talking about your relationship. Talk about whether your parents talked about THEIR relationship! If you can't talk at all, then just sit with your partner. Hold hands, drink your coffee or sodapop. And when the timer goes off, you're free until your next scheduled time to talk! You could talk weekly, or every 3 days, or on Mondays and Fridays. A regular schedule is good - but the timing is up to you.
When you're talking about your relationship or fear of intimacy, you don't have to get super heavy and serious. For instance, you can read a passage of a book or article about fear of intimacy, and talk about the contents.
Try this -- and think about counseling -- and let me know how it goes!
Laurie
I recommend seeing a counselor at least once. Sometimes, you can go in for an hour and come out with a whole new perspective on life, relationships, yourself...and your fear of intimacy. Or, you may find that you want to work on your fears a little more, and decide to embark on a longer-term relationship with your counselor.
If that isn't an option, I suggest reading books about fear of intimacy with your partner. Again, there's information in there that you can't figure out on your own -- and you'll find that you're not alone!
Finally, I suggest tearing off bite-sized pieces :-) By this I mean that you could try talking about your relationship with your partner for, say, 15 minutes. Seriously: set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes. Sit with your partner, and just talk about the fact that you're uncomfortable with talking about your relationship! Talk about how he feels about talking about your relationship. Talk about whether your parents talked about THEIR relationship! If you can't talk at all, then just sit with your partner. Hold hands, drink your coffee or sodapop. And when the timer goes off, you're free until your next scheduled time to talk! You could talk weekly, or every 3 days, or on Mondays and Fridays. A regular schedule is good - but the timing is up to you.
When you're talking about your relationship or fear of intimacy, you don't have to get super heavy and serious. For instance, you can read a passage of a book or article about fear of intimacy, and talk about the contents.
Try this -- and think about counseling -- and let me know how it goes!
Laurie
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