What is Emotional Cheating?
Spouses Who Talk Intimately With Others are Committing Infidelity
Jun 21, 2007
Is having a friend of the opposite sex a sign of emotional infidelity? Yes, according to some psychologists. Here is a definition and 6 signs of emotional cheating.
What is emotional cheating? Though it may not seem like it, emotional infidelity is a betrayal of your partner - even though it’s not like a “real” affair with physical intimacy and intercourse.
Emotional infidelity doesn't necessarily break spoken vows, create unwanted pregnancies, or spread physical diseases. Emotional cheating can't always be spotted in traditional ways. But, emotional infidelity can be as devastating to a marriage or partnership as physical intimacy or unfaithfulness - if not more so.
Thus, determining the difference between flirting versus cheating is important to a healthy relationship.
How Emotional Cheating Starts
Most people don’t plan to be emotionally unfaithful. Emotional cheating starts whey they casually chat with coworkers or people they see regularly – and it grows into more than “just friends.” They go for lunches, take business trips, or make special efforts to see the person to whom they’re getting attached. They think about their “friend” more and more, until it becomes a definite emotional bond. Those are signs of emotional cheating.
Emotional Cheating and Internet Relationships
Internet relationships are more popular - and a possible threat to relationships! Emotional cheating can begins in chat rooms, forums, or discussion groups. "Just friends" evolves into private conversations and emotional infidelity.
In infidelity over the internet, “friends” may never meet. This means that relationships can flourish in public places like the office or in private places, like one’s own home. Bonds can grow and cheating can occur even when the coworker is at the other desk or the family is in the same room.
Anonymity is a potential problem with internet relationships and emotional infidelity. There’s greater intimacy because people are anonymous, free to share the deepest darkest parts of themselves (parts they're reluctant to share in person). Further, internet emotional infidelity allows people to build their own friends up into the most wonderful, kind, smart, and funny people in their minds because they haven’t met – and they certainly haven’t dealt with dirty socks, disciplining kids, or getting lost in a new city together. The relationship hasn't been tried or tested. Emotional cheating becomes a slippery slope when you're involved with a mysterious, attractive stranger.
Are women more susceptible to emotional cheating? Women are usually the ones who push the relationship further. Women want relationships to move from friendship to love, from computer to reality. Women tend to get more emotionally involved and are more emotionally invested than men. Men on the other hand see the internet relationships or emotional infidelity as part of their lives – a nice part, but just one part. Women envision soul mates or life partners; men are having fun.
Remember - this is a stereotype with regard to emotional cheating! There are men who do become highly emotionally involved with more distant women, both over the internet and in person. Bonds and emotional infidelity aren't the sole activities of either women or men.
Signs of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating happens when you:
- Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).
- Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
- Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
- Hide or are secretive about your life, relationships, and activities.
- Keep your partner waiting while you spend time with your “friend.”
- Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
How to Stop Emotional Infidelity
Instead of assuming or vowing emotional cheating will never happen to you, spend time with your partner. Have open and honest discussions about your relationship. Have fun together; the more you make your partner happy, the happier you'll be!
Don’t forget what brought you together in the first place. “It’s so easy to forget why we fell in love,” says psychologist Gary Neuman, author of Why Men Cheat. Emotional cheating can make you forget why you love your partner in the first place! To stop infidelity, focus on why you first loved your partner.
Related Reading
For more information, visit Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating. .
If you're struggling with an emotional attachment to someone other than your partner, read 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships.
The copyright of the article What is Emotional Cheating? in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish What is Emotional Cheating? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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Comments
Sep 17, 2007 1:51 PM
psychdup :
What type of advice are you looking for? I have personal experiance with
emotional cheating as well as some clinical knowledge.
Sep 17, 2007 5:55 PM
Pink :
.
Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.
.
If persons are to be completely honest to each other as well as to themselves, it is extremely important that they do not keep secrets from each other.
.
That condition is the beginning of self discovery. That is where you find out who you truly are.
.
Check it out.
.
Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.
.
If persons are to be completely honest to each other as well as to themselves, it is extremely important that they do not keep secrets from each other.
.
That condition is the beginning of self discovery. That is where you find out who you truly are.
.
Check it out.
.
Sep 26, 2007 8:09 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
This article will put a different spin on emotional cheating, and define it
better:
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_emotional_cheating_starts
May 2, 2008 10:02 AM
Guest :
After monthes of suspecting that something was wrong, I searched my
husband's cell phone account and found out that he has been talking to this
other woman i knew nothing about. They would call each other 6-7 times
perday , the farthest I could go back is 2 monthes. Though they both deny
sleeping with one another, I do not think I will ever forgive him or be
able to trust him ever again.It infuriates me that he qould share and talk
with this woman rather than talking to me
May 6, 2008 10:33 AM
Guest :
I have been living with this for 9 years. (I know; what a fool) But it is
very hard when you love your mate and you don't want to believe that it
might be true. It's just as bad as a sexual realationship because the
feelings are still there. What's really hard is your hoping its a faze that
he will grow out of, instead your finding yourself in the divorce courts.
May 9, 2008 9:48 AM
Guest :
I thought I was the only one. I had suspected something was wrong. He
turned to an ex (who is married). I just confirmed this, it has also been
going on for months. He also denies that they have been sleeping woth one
another. He has just told me that he doesn't want to be with me or our kids
anymore because he is confused & I just found out that she is divorcing
her husband. I feel like its just as bad or worse than a sexual
relationship because they have had time to really get to know one anther
and form a bond. I may sound crazy, but I still want to be with him.
Aug 26, 2008 11:18 AM
Guest :
seems like most of the comments here are people that being 'emotionally
cheated' on..i'm on the other side of the coin and feel terrible. I've seen
seeing a therapist about other personal issues but right now the guilt I
have about what I've done is excruiating. i hate myself for this... i'm
trying to move on and away from the other person involved but he just
doesn't get it. plus, i feel like he's toying with my emotions..why can't i
just be happy with my marriage?
Sep 10, 2008 7:13 AM
Guest :
I have been single for many years, and met a wonderful woman to whom i have
grown to love very much.For about a year now, I had been the one for other
people to lean on, and I had hid a friendship and cell phone numbers from
my girlfriend. I rationalized that she was just jealous, and she was the
one with the problem until she stressed so much about it all, she had a
heart attack. We had both prayed about guidance and direction, until I
read part of a book called real love. In it, it described how we were to
love one another, trust issues, and the like. We had fights about these
matters for such a long time, both of us felt it was best to end it all.
Little did I know that she had no support from her friends, kept it all
inside, and when I realized that I had a support system, and she didnt, she
had only me, I was completely taken by it all, and realized that I was the
one causing all the pain and stress. WE are now on the road to a better
relationship now, after I had opened up to her and admitted that perhaps I
was looking for support from outside the relationship when all along, She
wanted to be the support person. I had never experienced anything like
this...I had been selfish, thinking of myself most of the time, and not
her. Theres much we have to do in order to become happy again, but both of
us are willing to do what it takes to get there, councling, stress
management, the whold works. Right now, Im looking for a paster to help me
help her, and she needs to do the same instead of keeping it all inside.
WE both agree that we need help, and Im doing my part by keeping away from
the internet stuff, and coworkers personal affairs...Its a huge eye
opening experience for me, because I do love her so much.....Marshall
Oct 2, 2008 6:45 AM
Guest :
Is looking at porn and leering over the women considered emotional
cheating? My partner assures me that he is not thinking of the women only
what act they are performing.
Oct 2, 2008 6:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Well, I don't know if looking at it is emotional cheating as such....but
it's sure unhealthy for your relationship, not to mention degrading to
women. Why do you put up with that?
Oct 2, 2008 4:52 PM
Guest :
I came across this article and after reading just had to comment.
I am a 47 year old divorced woman seeing the same guy for 6 years.
First we had to overcome HIS need for "friendships" with ex's....this took 2 years and one big break up before he sought help through therapy and came to conclusion that he was seeking out validation...by maitaining these relationships to stroke himself (he is high maintanence ego wise)
During the "healing" process, he said he had a hard time understanding what the guidelines were for a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex.......I told him that 1) "The female friend could not have ever seen your penis...anyway shape or form" and 2) If he is having a conversation with a "friend" of the opposite sex, and there is ANYTIME during that conversation that he would feel uncomfortable with ME, his partner, listening in on....or over hearing, then you have and ARE crossing the line.......
I am a 47 year old divorced woman seeing the same guy for 6 years.
First we had to overcome HIS need for "friendships" with ex's....this took 2 years and one big break up before he sought help through therapy and came to conclusion that he was seeking out validation...by maitaining these relationships to stroke himself (he is high maintanence ego wise)
During the "healing" process, he said he had a hard time understanding what the guidelines were for a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex.......I told him that 1) "The female friend could not have ever seen your penis...anyway shape or form" and 2) If he is having a conversation with a "friend" of the opposite sex, and there is ANYTIME during that conversation that he would feel uncomfortable with ME, his partner, listening in on....or over hearing, then you have and ARE crossing the line.......
Oct 4, 2008 12:59 PM
Guest :
What should I do about my gf giving other guys looks? She has promised me
never to do again.
Oct 6, 2008 11:23 PM
Guest :
I found the above article quite useful, there are still some issues that I
am dealing with however which I feel are somewhat relevant to the topic.
To give a brief summary, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a total of almost 4 years, although we broke up, and got back together a year later. Sounds simple enough.
Recently, I have felt that something is not quite right, but being a fairly rational person, I decided that it was all in my head and I was (and probably still am) feeling hurt from when we first broke up. I have, however, encountered some behaviour of his that to me seems very borderline. In the past hes recieved lots of text messages from a young girl that he used to sleep with (she's very obsessed with him but he doesn't tell her to stop phoning or sending messages), has told his ex-girlfriend that he misses her (he only did so because he meant it as a joke that only she would understand, so he told me) and continues to ask her out to coffee or movies to "catch up".
I realize that its almost impossible to give sound advice when you are approaching an emotional situation out of context, and as I have said before, I'm still very angry, hurt and insecure from when we first broke up. Is what he is doing emotional cheating? I know that I don't do any of this stuff with people that I have slept with or dated, but who knows, perhaps that is just me. How can I approach him on these issues when all he seems to offer me are just excuses?
Thanks for your advice.
To give a brief summary, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a total of almost 4 years, although we broke up, and got back together a year later. Sounds simple enough.
Recently, I have felt that something is not quite right, but being a fairly rational person, I decided that it was all in my head and I was (and probably still am) feeling hurt from when we first broke up. I have, however, encountered some behaviour of his that to me seems very borderline. In the past hes recieved lots of text messages from a young girl that he used to sleep with (she's very obsessed with him but he doesn't tell her to stop phoning or sending messages), has told his ex-girlfriend that he misses her (he only did so because he meant it as a joke that only she would understand, so he told me) and continues to ask her out to coffee or movies to "catch up".
I realize that its almost impossible to give sound advice when you are approaching an emotional situation out of context, and as I have said before, I'm still very angry, hurt and insecure from when we first broke up. Is what he is doing emotional cheating? I know that I don't do any of this stuff with people that I have slept with or dated, but who knows, perhaps that is just me. How can I approach him on these issues when all he seems to offer me are just excuses?
Thanks for your advice.
Oct 7, 2008 3:23 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
"There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see," says
Judge Marilyn Milian on People's Court all the time.
Your boyfriend will probably continue to offer you excuses until an objective third party - whom he respects - can make him see how destructive his behavior is. I think he shrugs off your words, because it's easy to do that in relationships. But when a counselor, pastor, doctor, or some objective outsider points out how badly we're behaving, then we have the choice to change our behavior or not.
If he doesn't respect your feelings enough to change his behavior even after someone he respects tells him how foolish he's being, then you need to make a decision about staying or leaving. The ball's in your court then.
Your boyfriend will probably continue to offer you excuses until an objective third party - whom he respects - can make him see how destructive his behavior is. I think he shrugs off your words, because it's easy to do that in relationships. But when a counselor, pastor, doctor, or some objective outsider points out how badly we're behaving, then we have the choice to change our behavior or not.
If he doesn't respect your feelings enough to change his behavior even after someone he respects tells him how foolish he's being, then you need to make a decision about staying or leaving. The ball's in your court then.
Oct 8, 2008 12:16 AM
Guest :
I think manipulation should also be taken into account, I have read that
people are not born with such a trait. Instead it can start late in a
relationship.
(http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationshi
p)
Speaking from recent personal experience if your life matches a lot of those things, maybe its best to get out. If your married and have kids..try to work it out. Read that article it really helped me with my recent problem: Basically i was in love with a girl for a year, but started increasing in arguments halfway through. I tried to stay in the relationship and keep it going by doing my best to keep her satisfied. But in doing so i lost some of my closest friends and relatives. One night i wanted to surprise because i had been reading a book she wanted me to read (here favorite the twilight series). I couldn't get her out of my mind and i knew she had a EXTREMELY distant cousin over (not blood related), to spend the night at her place, possibly because we were on a "break". I showed up to just be with her, and she was under the covers with the cousin (Just cuddling i know for sure). But she had done something like it before with someone else and swore to never again do it, and did a lot to make up for it. Bottom line, i was crushed, but i thought to myself "at least you can say you tried and were honest, this is not your fault, learn from this." And i did one of the hardest things i have done, and walk away.
But like i said read that article, if that is your relationship, you need to get your self esteem back, and cut off contact with that person. People like this are extremely hard to get rid of like the article said (never thought it to be true until recently). They know you the best (2ndly to yourself of course), and know how to get a reaction.
All i asked myself was "Does she need someONE? Or someBODY?"
Speaking from recent personal experience if your life matches a lot of those things, maybe its best to get out. If your married and have kids..try to work it out. Read that article it really helped me with my recent problem: Basically i was in love with a girl for a year, but started increasing in arguments halfway through. I tried to stay in the relationship and keep it going by doing my best to keep her satisfied. But in doing so i lost some of my closest friends and relatives. One night i wanted to surprise because i had been reading a book she wanted me to read (here favorite the twilight series). I couldn't get her out of my mind and i knew she had a EXTREMELY distant cousin over (not blood related), to spend the night at her place, possibly because we were on a "break". I showed up to just be with her, and she was under the covers with the cousin (Just cuddling i know for sure). But she had done something like it before with someone else and swore to never again do it, and did a lot to make up for it. Bottom line, i was crushed, but i thought to myself "at least you can say you tried and were honest, this is not your fault, learn from this." And i did one of the hardest things i have done, and walk away.
But like i said read that article, if that is your relationship, you need to get your self esteem back, and cut off contact with that person. People like this are extremely hard to get rid of like the article said (never thought it to be true until recently). They know you the best (2ndly to yourself of course), and know how to get a reaction.
All i asked myself was "Does she need someONE? Or someBODY?"
Oct 8, 2008 8:24 AM
Guest :
My boyfriend has an emotional affair with a married woman.Her husband works
in other city. she has a 5yr old son. I feel disgusted at times.
Oct 15, 2008 12:49 AM
Guest :
There is no relationship simple enough to fit the explanation for which in
a comment here.
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting...which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied it, but I cared for him.
Once he was back....he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ...for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short....after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines....once back home...I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations .... with different women...some of them I recognized the pictures....those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago ... I was right about it all...he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad .... for so long...and I hate him for it...mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ?
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgiveness ...
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting...which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied it, but I cared for him.
Once he was back....he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ...for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short....after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines....once back home...I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations .... with different women...some of them I recognized the pictures....those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago ... I was right about it all...he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad .... for so long...and I hate him for it...mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ?
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgiveness ...
Oct 15, 2008 1:02 AM
Guest :
There is no relationship simple enough to fit the explanation for which in
a comment here.
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting,which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied doing it, but I cared for him .
Once he was back,he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ..for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short,after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines. Once back home, I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations with different women.Some of them I recognized the pictures.Those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago. I was right about it all he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad,for so long. I'm beyond dissapointment..mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ? I left him but he won t let go.
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgivene
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting,which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied doing it, but I cared for him .
Once he was back,he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ..for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short,after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines. Once back home, I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations with different women.Some of them I recognized the pictures.Those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago. I was right about it all he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad,for so long. I'm beyond dissapointment..mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ? I left him but he won t let go.
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgivene
Oct 16, 2008 6:43 AM
Guest :
My husband has a "friend" with whom I know he cheating with
emotionally, how do you get him to see that it is unhealthy? We have and
unborn child and he is being given the space he asked for. I know contact
has not stopped with this friend. I feel frustrated as I don't know if I
can wait around for him to make up his mind and for someone who is a really
intelligent person he is behaving irrationally and really unlike himself. I
know there are holes in the relationship that need fixing, I want to fix
them. How do we move forward?
Oct 16, 2008 6:56 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Getting your partner to see that he or she is emotionally cheating can be
really hard to do. Sometimes, the best way may be to have an objective
third person that your partner respects explain how emotional cheating
works and why it hurts. Coming just from you, a partner may brush it off as
jealousy or insecurity.
The only way to move forward is for him to commit to you alone. But, if he's asking for space, he may not be ready for a commitment.....waiting around probably isn't the best idea. Perhaps you could move on with your life, and if he's ready in the future, he'll come to you -- and you may or may not be available to him. I know the unborn child presents a whole new difficulty, so you should always keep the door open for their relationship, but you don't have to keep waiting for him to grow up.
The only way to move forward is for him to commit to you alone. But, if he's asking for space, he may not be ready for a commitment.....waiting around probably isn't the best idea. Perhaps you could move on with your life, and if he's ready in the future, he'll come to you -- and you may or may not be available to him. I know the unborn child presents a whole new difficulty, so you should always keep the door open for their relationship, but you don't have to keep waiting for him to grow up.
Oct 23, 2008 12:35 PM
Guest :
My husband found out about an emotional affair I've had. The disgust and
self loathing I feel is over powering. Oddly, I truly love my husband but
he obviously cannot believe that I can love him yet damage our marriage
over this. I honestly cannot give him an answer as to why I did it. He
has since become verbally abusive and cruel. Knowing that he wants me to
hurt as much as he does, how can I emotionally and physically put up with
the abuse? Do I owe it to him? Do I deserve it? When do I stop taking
it?
Oct 24, 2008 6:54 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
You made a mistake, and it tore at the fabric of your marriage --- but that
doesn't mean you have to pay for it forever! Especially through verbal
abuse and cruelty. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You and your
husband both need help dealing with the fallout of emotional cheating, and
you both need to learn forgiveness.
You have to forgive yourself, and he has to forgive you, in order for you two to move on and have a successful, healthy marriage. How do you do that? Each couple is different. Some need counseling, others can work it through themselves. Some need family members to step in.
First, though, you need forgiveness so you can have the freedom to move on.
You have to forgive yourself, and he has to forgive you, in order for you two to move on and have a successful, healthy marriage. How do you do that? Each couple is different. Some need counseling, others can work it through themselves. Some need family members to step in.
First, though, you need forgiveness so you can have the freedom to move on.
Oct 26, 2008 4:25 PM
Guest :
This is an interesting subject. I'm in a committed relationship with my
boyfriend and have been for just over a year now. We have known each other
since 2002 though and were just friends. One thing this article doesn't
discuss are friends from the past. My boyfriend's best friend is a girl
he's known for a year longer than he's known me and they are very close.
Nothing physical/sexual has ever happened and they've always been platonic
friends. He and I have really become very close over the last year, however
he and his best friend (the only friend he really talks to) text and call
each other on a daily basis and she invites him to go out to eat,
motorcycle rides, meet up, etc 2-3 times a week. He also just returned from
Iraq a month ago and she doesn't seem to show respect to the fact that we
need OUR alone time. At the same time he hasn't spoke up to say I should be
included when they hang out or that he feels uncomfortable about the
frequent calls, etc. Because they have a strong friendship established
before I came along it makes it easy for them to talk about things that I
believe are unappropriate (i.e. personal things that should be kept private
within our relationship, and hanging out without an extended invite to me
at all). I fear my new presense in his life is threatening to her perhaps
and he doesn't seem to fully understand that if he doesn't change the
dynamics of their relationship that it will ultimately hurt us.
Oct 31, 2008 1:22 AM
Guest :
Well I think emotional cheating sucks, and specially men for m¡some reason
they just wont admit it!!!...Ive never felt this way and I know its wrong
=(...Anyways the man Im in love has a three year relationship and because
of that we havent been able to be together..But we talk every single day
and his really sweet with me!!..He told he was not leaving his girlfriend
BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULd LAST...anyways
we see each other most of the time in the University because we are
clasmates and we have a special bond but he has a girlfriend and we have
never ever had intercourse or kissed or anything physical..My question is
does this count as cheating???
Oct 31, 2008 1:23 AM
Guest :
Well I think emotional cheating sucks, and specially men for m¡some reason
they just wont admit it!!!...Ive never felt this way and I know its wrong
=(...Anyways the man Im in love has a three year relationship and because
of that we havent been able to be together..But we talk every single day
and his really sweet with me!!..He told he was not leaving his girlfriend
BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULd LAST...anyways
we see each other most of the time in the University because we are
clasmates and we have a special bond but he has a girlfriend and we have
never ever had intercourse or kissed or anything physical..My question is
does this count as cheating???
Nov 1, 2008 6:33 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Is he closer to you than his girlfriend? Does he tell you things he
wouldn't tell her? If he's closer to you that way, then yes, it is
emotional cheating.
Nov 8, 2008 2:06 AM
Guest :
In ways I wish I hadn't read this article,but I cannot ignore the message.
I am in an emotional affair at the moment. I know its not right and I am
not going to justify it by using excuses.My wife doesn't know but suspects
I have been in contact with other women and we are now in counselling and I
really want my marriage to work and after reading this its going to be
tougher than I thought.I hadn't accepted my part in the relationship
decline.I certainly have something to think about now.
Nov 8, 2008 4:46 PM
Guest :
My husband is involved in an emotional relationship with an old girlfriend.
He claims he no longer sees her or contacts her but I know he called her
last week, and he contacts her online. He has been going through some
physical problems and is depressed. We started marriage counseling, but
the counselor recommended individual counseling 1st because of his
depression and the issues from his past. I'm not sure if I should confront
him again or wait until he's feeling better and not so depressed. I wonder
if our marriage can survive.
Nov 14, 2008 5:53 PM
Guest :
I can say that I have a great marriage, I got a loving and supporting
husband and I know to the fact that he loves me so deeply. but the problem
is on me... I got a childhood friend whom I had a deep crush (sound silly)
but I have known this guy all my life and I know for sure somehow,somewhere
I fall inlove with him. Although we both haven't seen each other for years
I could not forget him, we never have any relationship except being as
friend. when I met him again online that's when the problem started,at
first I pretended that I am still single, we talked over the phone for
hours,(when my husband asked who it was I would just say it's one of my gay
friend) I lied to my husband so much that I felt so guilty, so I told my
"friend"when he start asking me out that I am getting married and
I am living with this guy (not true at all I'm already married for 2 years)
after I said this to my "friend" he started avoiding me and he
stop showing online. I know I should stop too, but it seems that I can't
just do it! I called him on his birthday, called him again a month and half
later. I even asked my husband to help me find a gift for him. I don't know
what to do I love my husband so much, I don't want to ruin my marriage esp.
I don't want to hurt him, I want to forget the other guy I tried so much
but somehow his always there waiting to invade my thoughts and my dreams
(yes I dream of him all the time). please help me.
Nov 15, 2008 4:31 AM
Guest :
I honestly didn't realise I am emotionally cheating until I found this
website. My husband had been out of work for 2.5 years, not looking very
hard and being picky, in a depression, verbally putting me down and on
occasions when I pushed hard around issues such as getting work, it would
get physical.
I was supporting us both and paying a mortgage, I want a family and even offered for him to be a stay at home dad which he refused. I was depressed and had low self esteme. I was finding myself attracted to someone who had said something nice to me.
One day, when in a very deep depression, a colleague asked me if I was OK, initially I refused to talk but he insisted and I opened up and talked and it felt good. I wanted out of my marriage. He suggested counselling to try to fix my marriage, which I did on my own as hubby refused, I was able to cope for a bit as husband got work soon after and it got easier.
However, my hubby forgets himself and is still nasty at times and still a year on doesn't have a stable job and ignores my advice trying to help him. As a result, when I am hurt and down, I talk to my friend in detail and it helps me. But I suppose naturally, we have become close friends and talk about anything and everything and on occasion we will catch a movie together and have dinner, we never run out of things to say.
I have always asked/told hubby about my plans for the evening and who I was with and he is OK with it. He acknowledges that it is not something that interests him and is happy for me to go out.
In our 10 year relationship, although I have not agreed with his view or done it, my husband has said he is happy for me to get sex elsewhere if I want. We only do it once a month if lucky and he has also said he is not sexually attracted to me either(I am an attractive woman). He insists he does love me though. It just seems odd to me.
I find however, that I am thinking of my friend more and more and look forward to just talking and spending time with someone who makes me feel safe, appreciated and seems interested in what I have to say and the things I do, I enjoy the positive feedback I get.
I realise that I may be feeling an attraction but can't/don't want to avoid my friend as they help me when I am very down. Until this website, I thought cheating was a physical thing.
My hubby feels more like a friend.
This site has given me a lot of things to relect on and is guiding me to find what I should do to be happy.
I was supporting us both and paying a mortgage, I want a family and even offered for him to be a stay at home dad which he refused. I was depressed and had low self esteme. I was finding myself attracted to someone who had said something nice to me.
One day, when in a very deep depression, a colleague asked me if I was OK, initially I refused to talk but he insisted and I opened up and talked and it felt good. I wanted out of my marriage. He suggested counselling to try to fix my marriage, which I did on my own as hubby refused, I was able to cope for a bit as husband got work soon after and it got easier.
However, my hubby forgets himself and is still nasty at times and still a year on doesn't have a stable job and ignores my advice trying to help him. As a result, when I am hurt and down, I talk to my friend in detail and it helps me. But I suppose naturally, we have become close friends and talk about anything and everything and on occasion we will catch a movie together and have dinner, we never run out of things to say.
I have always asked/told hubby about my plans for the evening and who I was with and he is OK with it. He acknowledges that it is not something that interests him and is happy for me to go out.
In our 10 year relationship, although I have not agreed with his view or done it, my husband has said he is happy for me to get sex elsewhere if I want. We only do it once a month if lucky and he has also said he is not sexually attracted to me either(I am an attractive woman). He insists he does love me though. It just seems odd to me.
I find however, that I am thinking of my friend more and more and look forward to just talking and spending time with someone who makes me feel safe, appreciated and seems interested in what I have to say and the things I do, I enjoy the positive feedback I get.
I realise that I may be feeling an attraction but can't/don't want to avoid my friend as they help me when I am very down. Until this website, I thought cheating was a physical thing.
My hubby feels more like a friend.
This site has given me a lot of things to relect on and is guiding me to find what I should do to be happy.
Nov 28, 2008 1:30 PM
Guest :
I recently started working with my best friend's husband as his
co-instructor for a design course. There is also another instructor who
had worked with him previously. She is divorced with two kids and recently
I have a feeling that she is working him up slowly. She compliments him
academically, physically and emotionally. She teases him and laughs at all
of his jokes. At the same time his wife has been telling me that he is not
talking to her, that they haven’t had sex in a while and that he is always
angry at home. Lately I have noticed that he seems to be enjoying this
colleague’s company at work and has become more flirtatious with her. I
feel responsible for not noticing it as being a potential threat to my
friend’s marriage. My friend has her suspicions but I did not confirm
anything thinking that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Now I am not so
sure. Should I get involved by saying something to him? Should I hint
something to this other woman? This really stresses me because, I almost
feel like leaving my job, which I love, because of my loyalty to my best
friend.
Nov 29, 2008 7:49 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
That's definitely a tough one! On the one hand, you don't want to see your
friend get hurt - and it looks like something will be happening between her
husband and the coworker sometime down the road.......on the other hand,
you don't want to gossip and spread misinformation.
If your friend asks you directly for advice, then it's easy. Tell her the truth. But as far as giving her info that she hasn't asked for....only you can answer that! There are compelling arguments for both saying something and for keeping your mouth shut -- and the fact that you work in the situation adds a whole new twist. I can totally understand why you'd want to quit.
I'd suggest finding an objective way to let her know what's going on. If she could see it for herself - without you directly being involved - that'd be the best solution. Then, she can decide if it's a problem or not.
If your friend asks you directly for advice, then it's easy. Tell her the truth. But as far as giving her info that she hasn't asked for....only you can answer that! There are compelling arguments for both saying something and for keeping your mouth shut -- and the fact that you work in the situation adds a whole new twist. I can totally understand why you'd want to quit.
I'd suggest finding an objective way to let her know what's going on. If she could see it for herself - without you directly being involved - that'd be the best solution. Then, she can decide if it's a problem or not.
Nov 30, 2008 10:12 PM
Guest :
my husband and i have been married about a year. we have had a few major
fights, about money, and space. he has gotten better but he still is
distant, and needs excessive space. he locks down his phone, and erases all
messages, wont take calls when i am around, and locks down his computers.
he erases all his messages on his myspace and facebook and all his
activities that are on there. we sit in the front room every night, and
thats it. just sit there, and he is on his computer all night. while
understanding he his a computer tech, there is a line of how mich he needs
to spend on there. i tired to see if we could compromise and go out more,
or spend more time interacting, but its all just talk on his part. his
sister, who is amazing, has offered to share some information she gaind
through christian school, about Gods creation for marriage. He refuses to
have that talk. and recently, i tell him that i love him, and he sometimes
doesnt respond, and sometimes, i give him affectionate looks, and he just
shrugs, and goes back to his computer. and there is no sex life. and when
we do anything anymore, its just for him so to speak, and he closes his
eyes and doesnt look at me, which he never use to do. i dont know what to
do or to think, and i have virtually no one to vent to . help...
Dec 1, 2008 7:45 AM
jeffrey ahmad hinton :
Im not really sure If what my wife does is emotionally cheating. It seems
that my wife has a need to be in contact with ex-boyfreinds on a regular
basis. she speaks about them to me excessively. She also has had an
abundance of male freinds. Of course this didn't start when she met me. she
recently invited a male freind over for thanxgiving with out asking. It was
fine, but they spent half the time talking about his brother whom she used
to be romantically involved with. Iv'e never seen or heard anything
innapropriate per-say, but im wondering if these things in and of
themselves should be a problem? Iv'e been accused of being insecure and
jealous. Im not discounting that fact, but again, how should i feel?
Dec 1, 2008 4:54 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
From an outsider's point of view, I think your wife is being incredibly
thoughtless. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings -- and the fact
that she's inviting her male friends over without discussing it with you
first is just plain rude. And, to talk about her ex-boyfriend?
I can't tell you how you should feel, but it doesn't sound like you're being insecure or jealous. It sounds like she's totally disregarding your feelings and acting like she's single.
I can't tell you how you should feel, but it doesn't sound like you're being insecure or jealous. It sounds like she's totally disregarding your feelings and acting like she's single.
Dec 1, 2008 8:04 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
To the woman who commented before Jeffrey.......I think you know that
things aren't right in your marriage! It goes beyond fear of intimacy or
emotional cheating to be so secretive about everything, the way your
husband is.
I don't know if he'd be willing to get help with you (couples counseling), but if he's not -- can you go on your own? Then you could learn some ways to take care of your mental and emotional health.
I don't know if he'd be willing to get help with you (couples counseling), but if he's not -- can you go on your own? Then you could learn some ways to take care of your mental and emotional health.
Dec 5, 2008 8:29 AM
jeffrey ahmad hinton :
I really dont know what to do about my situation. my anger and frustration
will not go away. almost on a daily basis my wife is re-connecting or
connecting with an ex-boyfreind on facebook etc. She has also become very
resentful towards me because some relationships I just put my foot down on.
she says I have taken her life away. I guess I should have got a clue when
on our second date she pulled out a list of all of her ex-boyfreinds. There
was just such an attraction that i had to over look these things. I
admittedly I have had some issues in the past with insecurity. so thats why
things are hard to judge sometimes. the thing is that it just seems to be
magnified in this relationship. any suggestions?
Dec 7, 2008 2:13 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'd suggest individual or couples counseling to figure out the difference
between your own insecurities and your wife's inappropriate behavior. Most
of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren't about one
specific problem - they're about personal issues that taint the
relationship.
Dec 9, 2008 7:45 AM
Guest :
This is agony! My boyfriend of 2 years continuously is on contact with
other women regardless of how many times and ways I have confronted him. He
blames me for being in a depression and bringing him down which is very
unfair in my mind since I got to this point trying to work through my hurt
and disappointment. Each time I would ask him to stop he said he would...
but then he would find a different way to go about contacting and finding
women to connect with. He tells me he wants to be with me and marry me and
at the same time has very intimate conversations, chats, and texting with
these women. He has gradually grown distant and blames me and the funk that
I'm in, never once taking into account his own actions and maybe
considering he could be the one throwing our relationship in a funk.
By nature I have a strong intuitive sense and I do not snoop or spy on people, however, since he is so secretive about who is texting him furiously as I am sitting next to him or who is calling that he won't answer, that feeling of something is not right bubbles up in my gut.
He values his phone so much that he takes it into the bathroom with him when he showers, into the kitchen in his pocket when he is making something to eat, it never never leaves his side...and if I should actually get a glimpse of call or text logs, all of these females I don't know never heard of or ever met are there. He tries to assure me that they are potential clients from the gym or connections with sports promoters or some other bad cover up story - and its all bologna! He used to chat online with women he would find in chat rooms and at one point when I was really making an effort to find a solution, I agreed to go into chat with him. He was looking for women to be part of our relationship! in both and emotional way and a sexual way. I was left feeling horrible, not worthy, not beautiful, just not good enough.
he just will not stop and he doesn't seem to take my feelings into account and is now suspecting me of doing the same things he is doing - I talk to no one not even girl freinds much since he has put a time bomb in my head about one of my girl friends maybe being attracted to me in a bisexual way. he manipulates the guilt he feels onto me and I fear I am not strong enough to keep going through this. I ask him if he will go to counseling and he says he will. Well he is out of town until January and the madness is still happening. The cell phone bill always tells me his activity :(
By nature I have a strong intuitive sense and I do not snoop or spy on people, however, since he is so secretive about who is texting him furiously as I am sitting next to him or who is calling that he won't answer, that feeling of something is not right bubbles up in my gut.
He values his phone so much that he takes it into the bathroom with him when he showers, into the kitchen in his pocket when he is making something to eat, it never never leaves his side...and if I should actually get a glimpse of call or text logs, all of these females I don't know never heard of or ever met are there. He tries to assure me that they are potential clients from the gym or connections with sports promoters or some other bad cover up story - and its all bologna! He used to chat online with women he would find in chat rooms and at one point when I was really making an effort to find a solution, I agreed to go into chat with him. He was looking for women to be part of our relationship! in both and emotional way and a sexual way. I was left feeling horrible, not worthy, not beautiful, just not good enough.
he just will not stop and he doesn't seem to take my feelings into account and is now suspecting me of doing the same things he is doing - I talk to no one not even girl freinds much since he has put a time bomb in my head about one of my girl friends maybe being attracted to me in a bisexual way. he manipulates the guilt he feels onto me and I fear I am not strong enough to keep going through this. I ask him if he will go to counseling and he says he will. Well he is out of town until January and the madness is still happening. The cell phone bill always tells me his activity :(
Dec 13, 2008 5:21 PM
Guest :
This "emotional cheating" is very new to me. I always lumped
cheating as just that, CHEATING!! I have been in turmoil for a good 8
years now I guess. I actually caught my boyfriend cheating in a car in
parking lot once. I forgave him. NO ACTUALLY FORGAVE MYSELF!! I am not
perfect. I've had money problems, didnt finish school, lived at home still
when 24, always fancy free (do what I want when I want, dont really have
anyone telling me when wrong is way too wrong, you know what I mean?),
always had someone (family member, or my boyfriend) to help pick up the
pieces when I messed up. So when i caught him, at the time I probably did
something and felt I deserved it. Well we had it out and talked things out
I guess and went on doing "us" after about 3 mos of hateness.
But thats not the problem, my boyfriend has more "girl" friends than the lord allows. The girl referenced above IS actually in that category. Noticed I said is, but will get to that later! Well he is a very sensitive, kind, compassionate, caring and always wanting to help kind of guy. And I have talked with him about this and how girls will use this to sleep with him. At first I thought he was totally naive but since we have been together 10yrs and I;ve had the "class" on the issues more than a few times, I think he is now manipulating me. I'm not stupid, I've seen the cell phone (he has two for work purposes by the way), I've seen his emails and recently his myspace and facebook. And not he did not give passwords, we share HIS computer and he left it up. Well I broke up with him because during one of our "not sure we should even be together" fazes, I wa very very close to cheating. I was actually having the emotional affair as described in the article. I DID NOT sleep with this guy, but I also broke up with my boyfriend for a year. We got back to together Jan of this year and I am still having the too many girls that are closer to him thsn me. He's actually told me that one (that he knew from growing up) will never go anywhere!! but I recently found out that he has had some type of contact with the infamous car lay. I found myself out of work recently and then my car broke down, and he really went balistic thinking we just signed a year's lease and he going to be hung out to dry again. I get unemployment and agressively seeking work, I discuss and show him this daily. BUT DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? HOW DO I APPROACH HIM? HOW DO I START IT? he gets angry easily!
But thats not the problem, my boyfriend has more "girl" friends than the lord allows. The girl referenced above IS actually in that category. Noticed I said is, but will get to that later! Well he is a very sensitive, kind, compassionate, caring and always wanting to help kind of guy. And I have talked with him about this and how girls will use this to sleep with him. At first I thought he was totally naive but since we have been together 10yrs and I;ve had the "class" on the issues more than a few times, I think he is now manipulating me. I'm not stupid, I've seen the cell phone (he has two for work purposes by the way), I've seen his emails and recently his myspace and facebook. And not he did not give passwords, we share HIS computer and he left it up. Well I broke up with him because during one of our "not sure we should even be together" fazes, I wa very very close to cheating. I was actually having the emotional affair as described in the article. I DID NOT sleep with this guy, but I also broke up with my boyfriend for a year. We got back to together Jan of this year and I am still having the too many girls that are closer to him thsn me. He's actually told me that one (that he knew from growing up) will never go anywhere!! but I recently found out that he has had some type of contact with the infamous car lay. I found myself out of work recently and then my car broke down, and he really went balistic thinking we just signed a year's lease and he going to be hung out to dry again. I get unemployment and agressively seeking work, I discuss and show him this daily. BUT DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? HOW DO I APPROACH HIM? HOW DO I START IT? he gets angry easily!
Dec 14, 2008 6:16 AM
Guest :
Nice and informative article!
Dec 24, 2008 1:52 PM
Guest :
This article is ridiculous and advocates being jealous of your spouse/mate
for having a personal life outside of you.
Signs of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating happens when you:
**Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).
Sometimes you need advice or to talk to someone other than your partner. This is not cheating, it's a friendship.
**Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
What does it matter if you eat lunch with someone else and not your partner? That's silly.
**Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
It's called privacy. A healthy relationship has boundaries.
**Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
It's possible to be friends with ex-boyfriends. It's called being mature. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you cant be close in other ways.
Signs of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating happens when you:
**Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).
Sometimes you need advice or to talk to someone other than your partner. This is not cheating, it's a friendship.
**Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
What does it matter if you eat lunch with someone else and not your partner? That's silly.
**Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
It's called privacy. A healthy relationship has boundaries.
**Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
It's possible to be friends with ex-boyfriends. It's called being mature. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you cant be close in other ways.
Jan 7, 2009 7:58 AM
Guest :
I have been married for 15 years the last 6 months ive noticed my husband
has been making small remarks like youre not in love with me are you how
come we dont kiss like we used to i didnt think anything about it i said of
course im in love with you but ive been real stressed with the kids and
work he came home and said i love u but im not in love with u anymore im in
love with someone else we havent cheated or talked about being together but
i feel a strong connection the girl doesnt know how i feel but i can tell
the way she looks at me that she feels something too he wants to leave us
for the feeling of a connection what do i say or do i know he loves me i
think its an emotional bond we have talked and he is staying for the kids
and to try to get things right again between us how can i cope with feeling
second best i have lost respect for him because he was so willing to leave
the kids for a feeling of a connection any advice please
Jan 7, 2009 8:38 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Well, the fact that your husband chose to stay and work on your marriage is
huge! My advice is to focus on his commitment to and love for you and your
kids....he DIDN'T leave, and he is choosing to love his family!
And, in addition to focusing on his choice to stay, I suggest you focus on your future together. Not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. You need to find ways to bring love back in your marriage, so you're both happy.
You've been married for 15 years -- don't throw it away by focusing on a problem that you both want to overcome. Instead, focusing on rebuilding your love and trust for each other.
Best wishes,
Laurie
And, in addition to focusing on his choice to stay, I suggest you focus on your future together. Not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. You need to find ways to bring love back in your marriage, so you're both happy.
You've been married for 15 years -- don't throw it away by focusing on a problem that you both want to overcome. Instead, focusing on rebuilding your love and trust for each other.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 11, 2009 9:16 AM
Guest :
Do men ever come back after they emotionally cheat on you? We have been
together 6 years, he started acting very distant 2 weeks before he ended it
with me. Before that things seemed fine, I had no idea we were in this bad
of shape in our relationship. He says we became more like friends and he
dosen't love me anymore. Just realized it a couple weeks ago. He met her
at work and they have been talking for a few months about our relationship
and hers, she is married with kids. He never came to me about our
relationship. He says her husband is in jail, and he is a really bad guy.
I know he wasn't with her other than at work, and contact over the net. He
is almost acting like he dosen't know why I am so upset. Like we got
tattoos together while he knew he was ending it with me. I took it as a
bonding experience while he just wanted a tattoo.
I feel like he didn't think I loved him, I withdrew from sex, got very lazy, acted like a friend to him, I pushed him away. I told him how I felt, that I could have worked on things that were wrong. He didn't give us a chance and it wasn't fair. I told him that too. I told him that I had so much love for him that I could have given him, but he didn't give me a chance. If I would have known things were this bad I would have showed him how much he meant to me. I didn't think it was that bad cause I thought he was just being his usual non worrying lazy self and didn't worry about our relationship.
Is there a chance? I told him these things in a calm manner, with tears but I was calm. I told him he was my everything, my life, my rock. He left after I told him these things but he will be back sometime this week. I don't know how to deal with knowing what went wrong with us and it hurts that I didn't get a chance with him to change these things. All were very changable. I am going to give him lots of space when he is living here as roomates with me, I am going to change for myself cause I needed to anyway. I feel hopeless.
I feel like he didn't think I loved him, I withdrew from sex, got very lazy, acted like a friend to him, I pushed him away. I told him how I felt, that I could have worked on things that were wrong. He didn't give us a chance and it wasn't fair. I told him that too. I told him that I had so much love for him that I could have given him, but he didn't give me a chance. If I would have known things were this bad I would have showed him how much he meant to me. I didn't think it was that bad cause I thought he was just being his usual non worrying lazy self and didn't worry about our relationship.
Is there a chance? I told him these things in a calm manner, with tears but I was calm. I told him he was my everything, my life, my rock. He left after I told him these things but he will be back sometime this week. I don't know how to deal with knowing what went wrong with us and it hurts that I didn't get a chance with him to change these things. All were very changable. I am going to give him lots of space when he is living here as roomates with me, I am going to change for myself cause I needed to anyway. I feel hopeless.
Jan 11, 2009 11:54 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry that your relationship is faltering - my heart goes out to you.
It's a devastating feeling, I know.
Yes, couples can reunite after breaking up or if one partner has an emotional affair....but I can't predict if you and he will get back together. If he's not willing to work on your relationship with you, then it doesn't seem likely that you will reconcile. I'm sorry to say that.
Maybe, if he's given time and space, he'll decide that he does want to give your relationship a chance. That happens often enough!
Good luck, and I'm sad for your broken heart.
Laurie
Yes, couples can reunite after breaking up or if one partner has an emotional affair....but I can't predict if you and he will get back together. If he's not willing to work on your relationship with you, then it doesn't seem likely that you will reconcile. I'm sorry to say that.
Maybe, if he's given time and space, he'll decide that he does want to give your relationship a chance. That happens often enough!
Good luck, and I'm sad for your broken heart.
Laurie
Jan 21, 2009 5:12 AM
Guest :
After my husband telling me he isnt in love with me anymore but he loves me
he said he loves someone else all he can do is think about her nothing else
they havent been togeter or discussed it but he feels that strong that she
is his soulmate chance of a life time He decided he wanted to leave we have
children together i informed him that if he leaves i wont take him back
when it doesnt work out and that im not going to stay and watch him in a
new relationship and me and the girls were going to move to a larger town
so we can get on with our lives and that i could have a chance of getting a
better job or a feeling of starting over i explained he can come see the
girls whenever so he decided to stay not to work things out with us but to
be near the girls but we have tried to get it back on the right track in
the mean time but how much can i take knowing he is in love with someone
else when we have sex he said he thinks about her and he is thinking about
her more and more its not getting any easier for him or me what do i do
please any advice he is here for the kids only and my feelings just keep
getting walked over more and more for the sake of the kids i dont matter
anywhere here im not getting anything in return just giving help please
Jan 21, 2009 10:43 AM
Lexie01 :
I recently found out that my husband of only 3.5 years reconnected with an
old girlfriend thanks to Facebook. I saw chats that seemed inappropriate
to me. They were pushing the limit between friendship and emotional
infidelity. I've confronted him and he apologized for hurting me and
agreed that if the situation were reversed he would not have appreciated
all the chats, phone conversations and secrecy. He agreed not to contact
her anymore. How do I begin to trust him again? I can't get over it and
although it seems like they haven't contacted each other, how can I believe
that he has truly cut her off?
Jan 21, 2009 3:17 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
You need to put it behind you, because if you act with jealousy and
insecurity, you'll drive a wedge between you two. Marriages are plagued
with "a thousand tiny hurts" -- and to prevent those hurts from
wrecking your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go.
How do you trust him again? Stop nourishing your hurt and fears. Focus on the fact that he admitted he made a mistake, he's stopped his relationship with her, and he's dedicated to you. Don't set yourself and him up for a rough road by dwelling on his mistake!
Good luck -- it's hard, but that's marriage.....I've been married for 3.5 years too, by the way :-) It's great - I love being married -- but great relationships take alot of work.
Laurie
How do you trust him again? Stop nourishing your hurt and fears. Focus on the fact that he admitted he made a mistake, he's stopped his relationship with her, and he's dedicated to you. Don't set yourself and him up for a rough road by dwelling on his mistake!
Good luck -- it's hard, but that's marriage.....I've been married for 3.5 years too, by the way :-) It's great - I love being married -- but great relationships take alot of work.
Laurie
Jan 26, 2009 9:25 AM
Lexie01 :
Thank you Laurie for your advice but I also just recently (after posting my
comment) that he had been married before. He had been lying to me about it.
I feel like a fool. He said it doesn't change anything about how much he
loved me, blah blah blah but there is the issue of trust again. Should I
just let it go so we can move on with our lives or is there some deeper
problem here? First there's the boarderline emotional cheating with ex
girlfriend now there's information about a previous marriage...
Jan 26, 2009 10:43 AM
Guest :
Mine is similar to the one above. I caught mine with a secret my space
account and there were inapprpriate comments both emotional and sexual
between him and his one only friend -a girl he used to talk to. He claims
that he called her the very next day and told her to stop. But I will never
really know if he really did. How do you know if this is only a glimpse of
what is to come? Everything he tells me about the whole thing feels like a
lie.
Jan 26, 2009 1:00 PM
Guest :
My boyfriend has a relationship with a female friend that definitely
crosses the lines of appropriateness. I have confronted him about it; he
insists that they are just friends and that there is nothing wrong with how
they act. Most of the inappropriateness is on the female friends end:
she'll address emails to him with "hey sexy" and once wrote that
she's "sending him kisses on his neck". I've become really
paranoid and have resorted to sneaking through his texts and emails. We're
trying to work through a rough patch in our relationship but he insists
that she means a lot to him, as all his friends do, and that he doesn't see
what his relationship with her has to do with our relationship. I recently
found out that he's been going to her for advice about his job and has only
told me in a few words what his problems are (work-related). There are so
many more examples of their inappropriateness. How do I get him to see
that his friendship is not appropriate? What do you do when the person
you're with doesn't think they're cheating on you?
Jan 31, 2009 4:34 PM
Guest :
My husband is having an emotional affair, at the very least. A few months
our intimate life decreased, he started working out (he does this off and
on) and being extremely secretive about his phone and computer. I blew it
off until he received a call late night. I didn't answer it (I regret it
until this day) but I did confront him about it (he was sleep). He stated
that it was someone who he dated in the past who called him out of the blue
and didn't know he was married. This was the first red flag. Well, I
started becoming suspicious and gained access to his email. I found what I
was looking for and more. He flirts with a woman who paid him no mind when
he was single (this is what he basically said to the woman), he took
another woman to "our" restaurant for lunch, and worst off he was
emailing a woman everyday referring to her as his "sunshine" and
telling her he's been thinking about her with a rose symbol (he's never
done this for me). He left her an address for a hotel (I know I'm being
dumb about it but I couldn't figure out if it was for a fling or work
conference as she is an ex co-worker). It simply said he's the address for
Monday. I felt very hurt and betrayed by this so we fought often. I
accussed him but never gave him my source as I didn't want to be cut off
from my information source. It was through his flirtatious emails that I
found out what he thought was wrong about our relationship. He has denied
it until this day. I tried to forgive and move on knowing that he is not
telling the truth. Also during the time when he wrote the emails everyday
he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me and when I told him
what I thought was wrong with us he would tell me "You can go" or
"If you don't like it then leave." We've been married for a
little less than three years and he's never been this way. I recently
found out that half of his passwords are in "sunshine's" name!
She's married and older than him by 2 or 3 years. She has grandkids! And
we don't even have any kids together. Therefore, even though I only have
circumstantial evidence of the physical cheating, I know that he was
"all in" emotionally and he won't tell me the truth about it. He
agreed to counseling but before the counseling we recently had a big
fight...I told him I knew there was someone and now he acts as if he's mad
at me. I love him dearly but I dont know how to trust him. Will
counseling work in a situation where someone refuse to tell the truth?
Feb 1, 2009 6:12 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Yes, counseling can work even in a situation where he refuses to tell the
truth -- unless you've already been in couples counseling for years, and it
hasn't gone anywhere. It's definitely worth a try, because if he's at
least willing to see a counselor with you, it means he's willing to work on
your relationship.
Hopefully, the counselor will help him see how destructive emotional cheating is, and how important it is for your husband to be honest with you. I can't predict the future, but I commend you for going to counseling -- and I encourage you to listen to his or her advice with both ears.
Good luck, and come back anytime to let me know how things are going!
Laurie
Hopefully, the counselor will help him see how destructive emotional cheating is, and how important it is for your husband to be honest with you. I can't predict the future, but I commend you for going to counseling -- and I encourage you to listen to his or her advice with both ears.
Good luck, and come back anytime to let me know how things are going!
Laurie
Feb 8, 2009 2:56 PM
Guest :
Emotional Infidelity: First the Marrige like carrige ride on equal partnership, trust, faithfullness and honesty. My friend Terry told me once about cheating, his advise was " Do not put your candle in fire and prey Lord not to melt it." that means do not start an affair, knowingly it will destroy what you already have.
Second: Use a particular time in a day eithier Coffee or after dinner to seat down and talk about issue, sex, help around the house, finance your goals, your problems, family reletionship what ever you want to bring your partner on same page you are on.
third: always have rule of engagments, no fight, no name calling, no threats, no loud voice laced with anger if any of this happen end the session and resume only after few miniuts of cooling off.
When you took vow to walk with a person on the road of happy life to spend long time until death make sure the road is sweap and clean on daily basis. Dushyant D. Banker ddbanker24@Yahoo.com
To end affair simply take outside help and both partner should help each other to understand reason and cause for all this and work on root problem together. My persoal affair was ended with divine help by asking for Lord's help because I am weaker than I thought I was and it worked well last 10 years I am clean and stright.
Feb 17, 2009 5:51 AM
Guest :
im having this problem with my boyfriend of six years he is talking to
another lady on the side they seem to think its ok .She is my neibor of all
things .
Feb 24, 2009 6:00 AM
Guest :
Lately, my husband has been on the internet for many hours at from night
till the wee hours of the morning (at times up to 5 am) before he sleeps.
Whenever I question him about it, he tells me that he's under tremendous
stress and needs space to do his stuff (facebook texas hold'em poker). I
found out that he has started having many poker buddies (most of them are
women) and I told him out right that I didn't like it. Since I had access
to his password I deleted his women buddies and he got really mad with me.
Shouted at me. Was I wrong to delete his buddies? He told me I shouldn't
have acted that way. I pleaded to him that I feel very insecure whenever
he does that. He told me "he'll do even more to make me so".
What does that mean? Is he already cheating on me and has no more love for
me? How can one who loves you, do on purpose to hurt that person?
Now, he has created new user ID for his facebook and is still continuing with the activities till late at night.
Now, he has created new user ID for his facebook and is still continuing with the activities till late at night.
Feb 24, 2009 6:15 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to hear that things have spiraled downwards with your husband!
But, rest assured that many relationships go through awkward, painful
stages - and sometimes come out stronger.
It may have been a mistake to delete his buddies from his account -- even if you disagree with who he plays with. As adults, we need to be able to control our own lives (including our game accounts), and to have someone go in to your stuff and make changes is disruptive and even enraging. It does cross the line, I believe.
But it's not too late to make things right! Pick a time to sit down and talk with him, calmly and without tears, anger, or blame. Explain how his actions make you feel -- and really listen when he tells you how your actions made him feel. Try and work together to figure out a way that he can de-stress without disrupting your marriage, or wandering into the "emotinal infidelity" minefield.
This is just my opinion - it's not psychological advice! I don't know you or your husband, so can't offer anything other than my thoughts on better communication and healthy relationships.
Good luck,
Laurie
It may have been a mistake to delete his buddies from his account -- even if you disagree with who he plays with. As adults, we need to be able to control our own lives (including our game accounts), and to have someone go in to your stuff and make changes is disruptive and even enraging. It does cross the line, I believe.
But it's not too late to make things right! Pick a time to sit down and talk with him, calmly and without tears, anger, or blame. Explain how his actions make you feel -- and really listen when he tells you how your actions made him feel. Try and work together to figure out a way that he can de-stress without disrupting your marriage, or wandering into the "emotinal infidelity" minefield.
This is just my opinion - it's not psychological advice! I don't know you or your husband, so can't offer anything other than my thoughts on better communication and healthy relationships.
Good luck,
Laurie
Feb 24, 2009 6:16 PM
Guest :
thanks to this article ive been able to figure that my boyfriend has been
emotionally cheating on me for the past year. it will be fun kicking him to
the curb!
Mar 5, 2009 10:39 PM
Guest :
On march of 2000 my sons father and i started going out. i was 15, he 17.
we had 2 great years of a relationship. i lost friends and family didnt
approve, but i was happy and didn care. sex life was great. then what i
believe was the match that lit the fire, his dad was verbally and turned
into physically abusive with his mom. his parents divorced when he was 17.
he started acting angry towards his mom, then me. basically, this articale
showed me some very important things... one is that it started as an
emotional affair. i couldnt have sex with a guy i was afraid of.. he threw
things around, punched holes in walls, and more, i became afraid(especially
by hat time i was still only 17)... and my advice for anger issues is for
the girl(or guy) to leave and never look back unless he agrees for help and
he does not do it again!!! i started confiding in peers, people from
school, friends of my sisters. we broke up after one of his displays, i had
an affair and never told him, we got back together, that cycle continued. i
was comfortable with him and thoughti loved him. in my senior year of HS i
met my new best friend. i confided in her, what a mistake. she made me feel
he deserved to flat out be cheated on. i did. it was my fault. in total,
since i was 15 i had been with about 10 guys, half while we were broken up,
half while we were together. mostly thinking i NEED to get over him. i
became pregnant in january of 2006. when i was 5 motnhs pregnant, i noticed
flirting between my sons father(who i had admitted at that point to
cheating only once or twice), and the best friend. when i was 7 motnhs
pregnant, he suddenly had her name tattooed to his right forearm. during
those couple months they denied it, then it was obvious. they are now
engaged shes pregnant, child support is battle, and i believe it started
confiding in others about my relationship issues basically behind his back,
it should be left to the pros if it really irks you! never thought i'd be a
single mom, but must say am extremely happy with my wonderful son. Now,
this is my problem with all that happened,I get feelings of resentment
still and its hard to stay faithful, i find it so alluring any guy that
"just listens" to me then I "love" them. are there any
"exercises" that can be done with my current love to keep me away
from doing anything i will regret even with all the animocity towards men??
Is there something I need to hear? Iknow complicated. IF YOU FEEL TRUST IS
LOST GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY
Mar 6, 2009 12:09 PM
Guest :
On march of 2000 my sons father and i started going out. i was 15, he 17.
we had 2 great years of a relationship. i lost friends and family didnt
approve, but i was happy and didn care. sex life was great. then what i
believe was the match that lit the fire, his dad was verbally and turned
into physically abusive with his mom. his parents divorced when he was 17.
he started acting angry towards his mom, then me. basically, this articale
showed me some very important things... one is that it started as an
emotional affair. i couldnt have sex with a guy i was afraid of.. he threw
things around, punched holes in walls, and more, i became afraid(especially
by hat time i was still only 17)... and my advice for anger issues is for
the girl(or guy) to leave and never look back unless he agrees for help and
he does not do it again!!! i started confiding in peers, people from
school, friends of my sisters. we broke up after one of his displays, i had
an affair and never told him, we got back together, that cycle continued. i
was comfortable with him and thoughti loved him. in my senior year of HS i
met my new best friend. i confided in her, what a mistake. she made me feel
he deserved to flat out be cheated on. i did. it was my fault. in total,
since i was 15 i had been with about 10 guys, half while we were broken up,
half while we were together. mostly thinking i NEED to get over him. i
became pregnant in january of 2006. when i was 5 motnhs pregnant, i noticed
flirting between my sons father(who i had admitted at that point to
cheating only once or twice), and the best friend. when i was 7 motnhs
pregnant, he suddenly had her name tattooed to his right forearm. during
those couple months they denied it, then it was obvious. they are now
engaged shes pregnant, child support is battle, and i believe it started
confiding in others about my relationship issues basically behind his back,
it should be left to the pros if it really irks you! never thought i'd be a
single mom, but must say am extremely happy with my wonderful son. Now,
this is my problem with all that happened,I get feelings of resentment
still and its hard to stay faithful, i find it so alluring any guy that
"just listens" to me then I "love" them. are there any
"exercises" that can be done with my current love to keep me away
from doing anything i will regret even with all the animocity towards men??
Is there something I need to hear? Iknow complicated. IF YOU FEEL TRUST IS
LOST GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY
Mar 6, 2009 9:11 PM
Guest :
My boyfriend and I have recently gotten back together. We dated for over a
year, then broke up for a year. He has been very honest with me about
everything in his past, including information about one of his best friends
who is a female. Apparently he was sleeping with her for a brief period of
time several years ago while he was in an unsatisfying relationship. He
claims he wanted to be with this girl that he slept with at the time and
swears he is no longer interested and hasn't been for quite some time.
That is what I was told 2 and a half years ago and they were very close
friends. Well, they still are very close friends. And after reading the
information on the website I feel like all of my 'jealousy' that I always
felt and continue to feel is explained. I have found myself looking through
his phone to see how often he talks to her, I know it's at least several
times a week because they claim to be "best friends" and she also
works part time one night a week where he works. I don't think she is a
bad person and she is in a committed relationship with someone also. I
don't know how to confront this, I don't want to make him think I
disrespect his friendships or ties to others, but I want to feel like the
most important woman and partner in his life. I don't want to feel
concerned that our private relationship will always be disclosed to her or
that he values her opinions over mine because I know he has gone to her for
advice on many things before. I am so lost and don't know how to deal with
this. Please help.
Mar 7, 2009 5:13 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
You're right to want to feel like the most important person in your
boyfriend's life. This is a difficult dilemma - and I definitely don't have
all the answers!
It's hard to know what to do when you're in the middle of a situation and you don't have an objective viewpoint. And, I can't be objective because I only know your perception of events. I'd suggest sitting down with a counselor or someone older than you who has lots of life experience and wisdom. You need to talk this through with someone who can help you see where things are being derailed in your relationship.
If your boyfriend is maintaining a friendship that bothers you (and I think if he really loves and respects you, he'd reconsider that friendship because it hurts you), then you need to decide how to live with it, or how to leave him. In healthy relationships, both partners work together to build each other up. They give each other trust, respect, forgiveness, and the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know if his friendship is overboard, or if you're extremely insecure. That's why an objective viewpoint is helpful.....you need someone to help you figure out what's going wrong! And then you need to take care of it.
Good luck -- and do let me know how it goes. Sorry I don't have all the answers....
Laurie
It's hard to know what to do when you're in the middle of a situation and you don't have an objective viewpoint. And, I can't be objective because I only know your perception of events. I'd suggest sitting down with a counselor or someone older than you who has lots of life experience and wisdom. You need to talk this through with someone who can help you see where things are being derailed in your relationship.
If your boyfriend is maintaining a friendship that bothers you (and I think if he really loves and respects you, he'd reconsider that friendship because it hurts you), then you need to decide how to live with it, or how to leave him. In healthy relationships, both partners work together to build each other up. They give each other trust, respect, forgiveness, and the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know if his friendship is overboard, or if you're extremely insecure. That's why an objective viewpoint is helpful.....you need someone to help you figure out what's going wrong! And then you need to take care of it.
Good luck -- and do let me know how it goes. Sorry I don't have all the answers....
Laurie
Mar 13, 2009 12:42 PM
Guest :
My wife started going to the local gym and met a man whom I guess she
started to like talking to. She would go every night at the same time and
they would always talk while on the treadmill. She then started even
going when both out kids were at a function one night a week and we could
have some alone time. It still kills me that she would choose this man
over me during that time would could spend alone. Then it appearently
turned into talking on the telephone. They would call each other back and
forth all day and talk for sometimes hours. Again this is still killing
me. I found out about the relationship and she swore that she would quit
talking to him because she loved me so much. That lasted about a week or
so then I found out that she was talking to him again - just more
secretively. She has now said that she won't do it anymore - again. How
do I trust her and believe that she won't do it again??? We have two
beautiful kids that I can't stand the thought of not having both mom and
dad around for them but if she does it to me again I don't think I have
another option. What do you think - will she do this again to me? I just
feel dead inside. And what hurts even worse - she told me that it made her
feel alive to talk to him. Now that is pain folks!
Mar 13, 2009 12:59 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I am sorry for you -- and you're right, it is very painful to hear that
someone else makes your partner feel alive.
While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!
I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.
As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.
I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!
Laurie
While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!
I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.
As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.
I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!
Laurie
Mar 13, 2009 1:00 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I am sorry for you -- and you're right, it is very painful to hear that
someone else makes your partner feel alive.
While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!
I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.
As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.
I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!
Laurie
While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!
I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.
As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.
I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!
Laurie
Mar 15, 2009 6:32 AM
Guest :
hi,
I just found out by coincidence that my boyfriend of 2.5 years, has been hitting on a girl at work for more than 3 years. He was sending her mails, staying at work a bit later to talk to her, and even copied pictures from facebook to his computer. Even before he started dating me, he checked with her again if she really didnt wanted to go out with him. The day I found out, I broke up with him. He's now saying that he is really sorry, and that he realizes that I am the one for him. But should I trust him again? or does he just want to be with me cause she doesnt want him?
What to do..
I just found out by coincidence that my boyfriend of 2.5 years, has been hitting on a girl at work for more than 3 years. He was sending her mails, staying at work a bit later to talk to her, and even copied pictures from facebook to his computer. Even before he started dating me, he checked with her again if she really didnt wanted to go out with him. The day I found out, I broke up with him. He's now saying that he is really sorry, and that he realizes that I am the one for him. But should I trust him again? or does he just want to be with me cause she doesnt want him?
What to do..
Mar 15, 2009 4:00 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
That's a tough question! Only you can decide if you can trust him again
after emotional cheating....and nobody but him can say for sure what his
motivations are (and sometimes people don't even know their own
motivations!). It can be really difficult to rebuild a relationship after
a betrayal -- you have to be totally committed to making it work.
Do you want to give him a second chance? Can you put the past behind you, and forgive and trust him? Or, will his attraction to her always bother you?
Trust your gut, my friend.
Do you want to give him a second chance? Can you put the past behind you, and forgive and trust him? Or, will his attraction to her always bother you?
Trust your gut, my friend.
Mar 18, 2009 1:53 AM
Guest :
Well the way I look at it is, looking at a woman or man on TV ,even in
person can get u in trouble.If u have a thought of doing something or
dreaming of the other people besides your loved one u have. The problem is
that everyone things of one time or another about a person. The question is
do you act on them , then its cheating. If looking is then we all cheat
one time or another and if you say you don't your lying.I believe in the
good in most people to make the right decisions.
Mar 18, 2009 2:02 AM
Guest :
Well the way I look at it is, looking at a woman or man on TV ,even in
person can get u in trouble.If u have a thought of doing something or
dreaming of the other people besides your loved one u have. The problem is
that everyone things of one time or another about a person. The question is
do you act on them , then its cheating. If looking is then we all cheat
one time or another and if you say you don't your lying.I believe in the
good in most people to make the right decisions.
Mar 18, 2009 11:22 AM
Guest :
I've been dating someone who was involved with a married women for 4 years
... they broke up 10 years ago, she is the only women he's asked to marry
(and yes she was married - so he was engaged to a married women) He led me
believe they barely talk... just found out they were talking on a weekly
basis and he was sharing details about our relationship to her... he told
her 1st that he was falling in love with me months before he ever shared it
with me and he said he did this out of spite (to her) ... Just last night
he told me he doesn't want to make a commitment until the relationship is
PERFECT. Well of course I threw in the towel becuase no relationship is
ever perfect. He of course doesn't see any problem in sharing the intimate
details of our relationship with this ex girlfriend (oh and I found a take
of them fooling around that he still had around the house) Help!
Mar 22, 2009 12:19 PM
Guest :
I suspected my husband cheating on me and recently found e-mails from a
girl he claim was his friend before we even met and I had no idea about. He
talked about how he made a mistake of marrying me and the only reason was
beause I reminded him of her. How stupid does this sound. He even sends her
money without my knowledge and when I asked him about it, he apologized and
told me the other girl was going through a tough time and he tried to make
her feel better. I lost all trust for him since then and unfortunately for
me I found out after I came back from visiting my family. It has been going
on for a long time until he accidently left his e-mail open and I found
everything they talked about. I am very hurt and everyday I try not to
think about it but it is hard knowing the person you love is cheating
emotionally with someone else. He promised he will not do that again but
lately my gut feeling is telling me he has started chatting with her but I
am not sure because he changed his password and everthing!!!
By worried girl!!!
By worried girl!!!
Mar 27, 2009 5:38 PM
Guest :
i have been married for almost 6 years now and have 2 wonderful children.
For the last year or more though my wife has been incredibly distant to me
and for much of that time has been refusing to have sex with me. There
just seems to be alot of built up anger in her that nothing i can do will
make go away. Anyhow, ive been kind of suspicious of her for the last
while, and she left her messenger open the one day... for some reason i
still cant really explain i felt the intense urge to read the history
between her and one of her guy friends. what i read shocked me. LOTS of
sexual innuendo and stuff that i just couldnt believe. Naturally i
confronted her with them, and she says its all just a running joke between
them because his younger brother would always spy on his messages so they
were giving him something to read. Personally im not ok with that, as the
messages REALLY went overboard, and im finding it very hard to trust her.
But at the same time, she's now VERY mad at me for reading any of her
personal messages and is saying i completely violated her trust and broke
her heart by doing so (and by accusing her of cheating based on what i
read) --- my question is-- was i way out of line here? or was this
definitely emotional cheating, and even if joking, was so far crossing the
line it was not appropriate (as i said-- lots of talk about sex and
stuff)
of course, lots more to the story but thats the very short version of it, and sad to say seems divorce in rearing its ugly head in the near future if things dont change quick :(
of course, lots more to the story but thats the very short version of it, and sad to say seems divorce in rearing its ugly head in the near future if things dont change quick :(
Mar 28, 2009 5:50 AM
Guest :
All though this is a very informative article, in believe this could create
a form of hysteria... it does not say anything about legitimate male/female
friendships... Not EVERY opposite sex friendship should be seen as
"cheating"... I find it ridiculous and frankly rather sexist.
Most woman have BEST friends (usually other woman)that they share
EVERYTHING with and that is ok... But Gawd forbid a male and a female form
the same type of bond. My best friend is a male, we msg each other probably
twice a week or more (we are both married). Our families have met and
spent time together, and we all get along great... both him and I were VERY
concerned about our spouse feelings through out our friendship. And both
understood how difficult it must be for them to understand the logistics of
it... Male female friendships are not at all conventional and this article
enforces the reasons that we are constantly concerned that people in
general will mistake our relationship for something that it isn't. I truly
value what we have with each other and am saddened that society in general
thinks so Badly of it. I think it will be a wonderful day when Men and
Women can be friends without the GLARING public eye and it Biases
Mar 28, 2009 12:29 PM
Guest :
My husband of 18 years was recently caught in a relationship online with a
girl he went to school with. He asked for a divorce we fought and decided
to stay together the next day I caught him with her. We are trying to work
it out but he thinks I should be over it already. And even says I need
medication because there is something wrong with me. He doesn't talk to
her anymore but he does have other female friends and doesn't understand
why I don't trust him. He says he was talking to her because i was not
taking care of him.....ADVISE?
Mar 29, 2009 5:42 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
If you want to make your marriage work, you and your husband need to sit
down with a counselor and figure out how to communicate in a healthy way.
Saying "you need medication" isn't helpful, and just causes more
arguing and pain!
Your relationship problems can't be solved unless the two of you are wiling to sit down together and work them out -- as a couple. He needs to recognize what emotional cheating is (it's more than just being friends with someone of the opposite sex), and you need to learn how to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthful way.
Can you consider couples counseling? There are other ways to rebuild a health marriage: workshops, books, retreats -- but you need to do those things together. If you're doing all the work, and he's not committed to making your marriage work, then it's not a healthy, dynamic relationship.
I wish you all the best -- marriage can be hard even at the best of times! I hope your husband is willing to focus on you and your relationship.
Take care,
Laurie
Your relationship problems can't be solved unless the two of you are wiling to sit down together and work them out -- as a couple. He needs to recognize what emotional cheating is (it's more than just being friends with someone of the opposite sex), and you need to learn how to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthful way.
Can you consider couples counseling? There are other ways to rebuild a health marriage: workshops, books, retreats -- but you need to do those things together. If you're doing all the work, and he's not committed to making your marriage work, then it's not a healthy, dynamic relationship.
I wish you all the best -- marriage can be hard even at the best of times! I hope your husband is willing to focus on you and your relationship.
Take care,
Laurie
Apr 14, 2009 10:14 AM
Guest :
so what is wrong with beings friends w/female classmates, strictly
platonic!!!!! just because you go to school w/them & @ least your being
perfectly honest w/your wife!!!!
Apr 14, 2009 12:12 PM
Guest :
Hello, this article and the comments makes one believe they are not alone.
I found this site about 3 days after I found out my wife was talking
secretly to a ex boyfriend. We have been married for almost 20 years and
have beatiful children. This all started with her seeking out a ex
boyfriend on facebook. They reconnected and escalated to talking on the
phone all the time behind my back. This went on for 2 months with her
leaving the room multiple times. I never checked on her before but after I
caught her on the phone after midnight instead of being in bed with me. At
first she lied and made me feel like I was the bad guy for checking on her.
I went to bed and woke up with a desire that something didn't add up. I
checked again and figured out all where lies. It took 3 days after and I
almost leaving until I heard what was the truth. I am still not sure if all
is truely on the table but I couldn't continue to press any more. She says
she only loves me and doesn't understand why she was so wrapped up in his
life and talked with him more than me for those 2 months. She explained she
didn't want to hurt me that is why she kept it a secret. This all lead to
me thinking the worst. I believe this was an emotional affair.
I have his # and know who he is. I also forwarded multiple text messages to my phone that I thought were between 2 people dating more than friends. It still hurts and I haven't forgiven her yet because I am not ready but I am close. My wife and I have reconnected over the past 4 weeks like we haven't in years. It has been really nice and has made things easier.
I do throw a few zingers at her occasionally. I am trying to control myself but it is hard not to throw things back in her face and I know I can't do this anymore. She is working on us and I am doing the same but it still hurts.
I did forbid her to talk with him anymore and showed her this article and others I found. I don't want to be like that and explained It feels wrong to say "I forbid you" but in this case it is necessary.
On day one she called him and told him all contact needed to stop. Things have been quiet for a month and he recently contacted her through her work email. She told me he only had her home email and cell(another lie or she just forgot?). But she did come to me and told me he contacted her again and hasn't responded. I want to respond to him together.
I want to take it one step further and call him. Not to be mean but to let him know I am commited to her and she to me. Please lose the number and email and have a good life. My question is should I call him? My wife does not want me to talk with him. And why doesn't she?
I have his # and know who he is. I also forwarded multiple text messages to my phone that I thought were between 2 people dating more than friends. It still hurts and I haven't forgiven her yet because I am not ready but I am close. My wife and I have reconnected over the past 4 weeks like we haven't in years. It has been really nice and has made things easier.
I do throw a few zingers at her occasionally. I am trying to control myself but it is hard not to throw things back in her face and I know I can't do this anymore. She is working on us and I am doing the same but it still hurts.
I did forbid her to talk with him anymore and showed her this article and others I found. I don't want to be like that and explained It feels wrong to say "I forbid you" but in this case it is necessary.
On day one she called him and told him all contact needed to stop. Things have been quiet for a month and he recently contacted her through her work email. She told me he only had her home email and cell(another lie or she just forgot?). But she did come to me and told me he contacted her again and hasn't responded. I want to respond to him together.
I want to take it one step further and call him. Not to be mean but to let him know I am commited to her and she to me. Please lose the number and email and have a good life. My question is should I call him? My wife does not want me to talk with him. And why doesn't she?
Apr 24, 2009 4:51 AM
Guest :
Please help, Laurie 7 all!
After reading all the posts, I still have to ask what's the best thing for me do with my situation....I'm in a relationship with this guy for 11 yrs. now and ever since we met, he was already part of this msg. board where he posts as this character when he has free time at work and at home. I work graveyard and he works days and we see each other on the same days off that we have. He said that it's all an act when he types and use the internet.(they think he's funny and popular esp. to women). I know what his email password is, until recently there's this girl who sent him her picture and started to open up to him about her life since they are buds. I saw pix and read all about her but I didn't tell him that I knew about it. I was just giving him a hint that if he has secrets just let me know. He mentioned other characters on the boards that he said he rec'd email from but not this particular one. He even took out these emails that they were chatting about and the last thing he told her was to send to another email addy if ever she has to email him again. Is this something that will end up as an emotional cheating? He wants to hear from me who is this that i'm accusing him of internet affair, should i tell him what i've known? or wait until he admits? He tells me that I'm jealous of nothing after all these years it's all an act. Thanks and please help! I'll appreciate all ur comments.
After reading all the posts, I still have to ask what's the best thing for me do with my situation....I'm in a relationship with this guy for 11 yrs. now and ever since we met, he was already part of this msg. board where he posts as this character when he has free time at work and at home. I work graveyard and he works days and we see each other on the same days off that we have. He said that it's all an act when he types and use the internet.(they think he's funny and popular esp. to women). I know what his email password is, until recently there's this girl who sent him her picture and started to open up to him about her life since they are buds. I saw pix and read all about her but I didn't tell him that I knew about it. I was just giving him a hint that if he has secrets just let me know. He mentioned other characters on the boards that he said he rec'd email from but not this particular one. He even took out these emails that they were chatting about and the last thing he told her was to send to another email addy if ever she has to email him again. Is this something that will end up as an emotional cheating? He wants to hear from me who is this that i'm accusing him of internet affair, should i tell him what i've known? or wait until he admits? He tells me that I'm jealous of nothing after all these years it's all an act. Thanks and please help! I'll appreciate all ur comments.
Apr 28, 2009 6:47 AM
Guest :
i have been on both sides...the one involved in an emotional affair, and
the one dealing with an emotional affair. neither are fun. my dealing with
an emotional affair, which i completely believe was physical too...resulted
in my becoming emotionally involved with others outside of my relationship.
the truth be known...it reallys isn't a true relationship. committments
involve individuals who respect one another...when one disrespects the
other so blatently, even after it is pointed out...and ignored...eventually
the other begins to disrespect the relationship too. i felt guilty in the
beginning...but i don't now. there is some sort of clarity that comes with
that realization. why do i remain? probably for the same reason they
do...the alternative is not any better, comfort, children involved. all
just excuses, yes...but i do know that someday i will be able to walk away
and never even glance back over my shoulder. it may be wrong to have this
kind of affair...but in an effort to maintain some sort of sanity...i
seriously think it is more wrong to trust someone who has done nothing but
proven it isn't deserved. i enjoyed the article...but just wanted to give
my opinion. it isn't for everyone...but for some...like me...is a life
preserver.
Apr 28, 2009 10:10 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm not sure what "just an act" means! He's just pretending to be
interested in these women? That's not reassuring. He's leading people on
for fun. Yes, that's emotional cheating - and it's cruel, too.
The bottom line: do you trust him? If not, then you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, with someone who disregards your feelings about his associations with other women.
Is that something you want?
The bottom line: do you trust him? If not, then you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, with someone who disregards your feelings about his associations with other women.
Is that something you want?
Apr 30, 2009 7:41 AM
Guest :
Hi Laurie,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola
Apr 30, 2009 7:43 AM
Guest :
Hi Laurie,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola
May 1, 2009 10:53 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Maybe you should put your engagement and wedding on hold for a few months,
or even a year, while you settle your feelings. If you keep forging ahead
without being certain that you don't want to marry this man, then you'll
end up doing alot of damage to both yourself and him!
I'd suggest you share your fears and doubts with your boyfriend. Many people have insecurities about getting married -- and if you can't talk about your worries and anxieties with your partner, then you may not be with the right person.
Putting your wedding on hold for a few month gives you time to talk it through with him, and figure out if getting married is the best step for you.
Let me know how it goes...and best wishes! By the way, it's better to have doubts now than after you have kids and a life together...
I'd suggest you share your fears and doubts with your boyfriend. Many people have insecurities about getting married -- and if you can't talk about your worries and anxieties with your partner, then you may not be with the right person.
Putting your wedding on hold for a few month gives you time to talk it through with him, and figure out if getting married is the best step for you.
Let me know how it goes...and best wishes! By the way, it's better to have doubts now than after you have kids and a life together...
May 2, 2009 11:29 AM
Guest :
I'm the Guest of April 24th.
Thanks, I know you've asked me if this is the relationship that I want? Not really but I still haven't made a decision. Lately, I've been hiding from him about me being in debt and not able to pay due to gambling, should I still tell him that when he's still not admitting to me about that e-mail and pix that he received from this woman poster on the msg. board which I gave him a hint already that I know about it when I read it from his email and asked him why is he protecting information from someone that he doesn't really know and if he thinks he's special when she opened up to him and now they're always chatting. He would tell me that this person lives long distance and it's not likely that they will meet each other just like that! As far as my case, I've been honest to him over 10yrs. of our relationship, we have our ups and downs, except for just for 3yrs now I'm hiding this issue with me which I've hidden not just from him but from everyone. Please help! Thanks!
Thanks, I know you've asked me if this is the relationship that I want? Not really but I still haven't made a decision. Lately, I've been hiding from him about me being in debt and not able to pay due to gambling, should I still tell him that when he's still not admitting to me about that e-mail and pix that he received from this woman poster on the msg. board which I gave him a hint already that I know about it when I read it from his email and asked him why is he protecting information from someone that he doesn't really know and if he thinks he's special when she opened up to him and now they're always chatting. He would tell me that this person lives long distance and it's not likely that they will meet each other just like that! As far as my case, I've been honest to him over 10yrs. of our relationship, we have our ups and downs, except for just for 3yrs now I'm hiding this issue with me which I've hidden not just from him but from everyone. Please help! Thanks!
May 16, 2009 10:51 AM
oatmeal321 :
Gee. It feels so good to have another friend that you can be mentally
stimulated with. I love the man I married and I love my friendship with my
business partner. Just wanting to make sure this feeling of
"excitement" will settle and become healthy and balanced. I've
Been looking for a business partner for years, finally found one.. I'm
estatic but now wondering if my enthusiasm is mixed with "emotional
affair". Such a drag.
May 22, 2009 7:07 AM
Guest :
my husband and I started off as an affair. We have been together for over
10yrs and have a son. Four years into our marriage he had a friend he
confided in and bought her some jewelry. I confronted and to this day cant
admit he had an emotional affair. This tore me apart and I tried moving on
but the trust just wasn't there. I went back to work 3 months after giving
birth to our son. A co-worker started flirting and sparked a good feeling
inside of me. I recipocated and we started an affair. My husband in turn
joined an internet dating site and started chatting. He became close to
someone and they were planning a trip to the east coast. Before finalizing
their trip, he found out of my affair and confronted me. I broke off my
affair and openly discussed it with him and answered any questions he had.
My husband has not given me the same consideration. I said I would like to
discuss his situation. He is very reluctant and he continues to lie. I
caught him a a lie when he said he no longer goes on those sites. I checked
the computer and found he was still logged on. I have given him many
opportunties to come clean but he continues to lie. I don't know how to
move on. Why does he continue to lie when I have told him I am here and I
will not get upset but if I find out later that he lied again-then I will
be very upest.
May 26, 2009 12:18 AM
Guest :
I’m not sure if I’m a culprit in this stuff. But about late last year, I
met this guy at a place we both hung out at. At first we only contacted one
another sparsely just to say hello and catch up. Though later on we kind of
bonded and now I talk to him nearly everyday and sometimes all day through
email, text, or phone. He’s married with a stepchild…and the thing is,
there isn’t any real flirting. No sex talk, nothing like that.
He’ll tell me when things are good with his wife and when they’re not..and either way I’ll try and give him the best advice I can to remedy the situation. I don’t sense that he likes me in that way, I think he (we) both like having someone to confide in that is removed from our everyday lives. He’ll text or call me randomly and ask what I’m doing..etc. I really don’t know.
He’ll tell me when things are good with his wife and when they’re not..and either way I’ll try and give him the best advice I can to remedy the situation. I don’t sense that he likes me in that way, I think he (we) both like having someone to confide in that is removed from our everyday lives. He’ll text or call me randomly and ask what I’m doing..etc. I really don’t know.
Jun 8, 2009 8:59 PM
Guest :
i'm definitely guilty of this, i have been emotionally attached to a
married co-worker for 3 years. We have been intimate twice but, it nothing
like the emotional bond we share. I've tried to step back a couple of times
but each time we find ourselves back where we started. i've even changed
jobs and he did also.
Jun 14, 2009 1:17 AM
Guest :
had a boyfriend which i was friends with for 7 years.we were in and out of
each others lives then one day he called me out of the blue to say happy
birthday.we began seeing each other until it became more and more
frequent.he kept asking me to be his girlfriend but i'd declined ,something
didn't feel right and he was supposed to be moving out of state.long story
short we ended up be very serious and i totally fell in love with him,he
was my world,i'd do just bout anything for him.til one day he gave me a
password for a certain acct.I decided to try that same password for his
email and it worked.i found emails from him and his ex-gf early in our
relationship,we weren't nearly as serious then but he made tons of lies and
even told he wasn't seeing anyone &that he was too busy;all the while
asking me to be with him&that he loved me.i believe in my heart to a
degree he loved/loves me.But i know i deserve more than to have to sift
threw what is/was true and what isn't.I can't stick around to see if he'll
change.I love him dearly and it's so hard to stay away but i have to value
myself &i owe it to myself.if i don't value myself nobody else will and
thats all i can tell myself.I want so badly to just be w/him but can't
bring myself to look into his eyes like i once did.To think of him down
right bold face lying to me sickens me,but i still love him.but owe it to
myself to distance myself,don't know if he'll change,i hope he does,but
hope isn't enough.
Jun 16, 2009 3:13 AM
Guest :
I used to like a guy about ten years ago. but at that time, he was not
willing to marry me.I moved to a different city for job and had a casual
affair with an office mate.He was not ready for marriage. but I had an
ectopic pregnancy,which somehow forced me to marry him.Now i have two kids.
about a month ago, I contacted my ex-BF. He is also now married and staying
in another city. We chat on phone, e-mails, messages.i cannot stop myself
from conatcting him. but the past one month has been tumultous, I am unable
to figure out what to do.Please help me.
Jun 16, 2009 6:31 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Putting all your energy into your family is the best long-term solution --
and perhaps the most difficult, least selfish one. Sure, staying in touch
with your ex-boyfriend is exciting and compelling for the short-term -- but
it won't create a good life for your kids or husband!
You're living a different life now, and your ex is from a chapter in your past. You CAN stop yourself from contacting him (because you are cheating emotionally on your family) -- and you might need to put some systems in place to help you stay away from him. For instance, tell your best friend, husband, or someone you trust about your ex. Ask your friend if you can phone her instead of your ex when you're tempted. I don't know your husband or your relationship, but it might be good to talk to him about it -- I don't know enough to give you advice, though. I'm just offering possible suggestions.
Another thing to look into is possible post-partum depression. If you recently had children, you may be dealing with hormones and mood swings that have little to do with your ex, and more to do with your changing body. Talk to your doctor, or a post-partum support group. Talk to your friends who've had babies, and who might understand.
Don't struggle through this alone. Focus on loving your family, and get support to help you through!
I wish you all the best, and hope you come back and let me know how you are.
Laurie
You're living a different life now, and your ex is from a chapter in your past. You CAN stop yourself from contacting him (because you are cheating emotionally on your family) -- and you might need to put some systems in place to help you stay away from him. For instance, tell your best friend, husband, or someone you trust about your ex. Ask your friend if you can phone her instead of your ex when you're tempted. I don't know your husband or your relationship, but it might be good to talk to him about it -- I don't know enough to give you advice, though. I'm just offering possible suggestions.
Another thing to look into is possible post-partum depression. If you recently had children, you may be dealing with hormones and mood swings that have little to do with your ex, and more to do with your changing body. Talk to your doctor, or a post-partum support group. Talk to your friends who've had babies, and who might understand.
Don't struggle through this alone. Focus on loving your family, and get support to help you through!
I wish you all the best, and hope you come back and let me know how you are.
Laurie
Jun 17, 2009 6:27 PM
Guest :
Im a little confused as to whether my girlfriend is possibly emotionally
cheating or maybe just being a little inconsiderate. She has lots of
conversations with guys (mostly through facebook). She does talk to girls
in messages, but not nearly as much as with guys. About six months ago I
discovered a really long message that she had a few months earlier with
some guy she never met. They went into great detail about personal problems
and also sexual stuff that the guy had or hadnt experienced. I got
extremely upset and we fought about it for a while. She tried to
rationalize it by saying that i had access to her account the entire time
(which i did but at the time she was talking to him the relationship was
still a little too early to be logging onto her facebook the time.
Recently, shes been talking more and more with several guys, one of them i
have never met. Although most of the conversations seem benign, some I
think may be a little innappriopriate. She listens to this one guy (who
happens to be friendly acquaintance/friend) about all his personal
relationship problem. Although i do have access to the account and i can
read most of the messages she has with other guys it still kind of hurts
that she has so many personal conversations with other guys. I dont have
that kind of support system. Plus she is the jealous type, as am i to a
certain extent, and she practically gets upset when i talk in depth with
another girl. If i did the same thing she is doing with guys she would be
hysterical. Needless to say I feel this is unfair and i have mentioned it
several times to her. This almost always starts a fight. She claims that
she has always liked guys more than girls, as her relationship with girls
hasnt been as good (supposedly, although she does have girlfriends). On the
other hand she says I have never had close friendships with girls (which is
somewhat true but not completely) and that it would be wierd if i started
now. Should i even be jealous about this or feel betrayed in any way, or am
i overreacting? I do really love her and i know she loves me but sometimes
i feel like she doesnt see how much her actions can make me feel
undermined. If someone could reply that would be great. Thanks a lot.
Jun 18, 2009 9:18 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
There are several things happening here:
1) Yes, she is emotionally cheating because she's discussing personal, private issues with other men. When you're in a relationship, you need to abide by certain boundaries -- and one of them is saving the heart to hearts for your partner. I don't mean you can't have great, deep, interesting conversations with others....but talking for lengthy amounts about intimate relationships and other personal stuff is pushing boundaries.
I do understand your confusion: she's not hiding it, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, and for some reason she needs to do it. That's definitely something worth exploring: why does she need to make emotional connections with others? Maybe she should be a counselor. Seriously, if she really wants to help others deal with their issues or problems, then maybe she should think about it as a profession.
2) There's a double standard in your relationship, which isn't fair to you.
3) If you're uncomfortable with what she's doing but she refuses to stop, then you're not in a strong, committed relationship -- whether or not you love each other. It doesn't matter if the issue is emotional cheating or being a workaholic. If one partner refuses to meet the other partner halfway regarding concerns or requests, then it's not a real, mature love.
I think the bottom line is that you need to decide if you can live with your relationship the way it is, or if you want it to change. If you want it to change but are powerless to do anything (you can't force her to change, as you know. You sound like an extremely reasonable, smart man) -- then you need to let her go. Or, you lower your expectations.
Keep in mind that as much as she insists that nothing's going on, you don't necessarily know what her guy pals are feeling or thinking. For both men and women, opening up your heart to someone else, even if they're taken, can lead to other feelings. Other feelings can lead to suggestions or actions. It just opens people up to all sorts of possible problems.
I hope this helps a little! Sorry I don't have anything happier to say :-) Good luck, and be well.
Laurie
1) Yes, she is emotionally cheating because she's discussing personal, private issues with other men. When you're in a relationship, you need to abide by certain boundaries -- and one of them is saving the heart to hearts for your partner. I don't mean you can't have great, deep, interesting conversations with others....but talking for lengthy amounts about intimate relationships and other personal stuff is pushing boundaries.
I do understand your confusion: she's not hiding it, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, and for some reason she needs to do it. That's definitely something worth exploring: why does she need to make emotional connections with others? Maybe she should be a counselor. Seriously, if she really wants to help others deal with their issues or problems, then maybe she should think about it as a profession.
2) There's a double standard in your relationship, which isn't fair to you.
3) If you're uncomfortable with what she's doing but she refuses to stop, then you're not in a strong, committed relationship -- whether or not you love each other. It doesn't matter if the issue is emotional cheating or being a workaholic. If one partner refuses to meet the other partner halfway regarding concerns or requests, then it's not a real, mature love.
I think the bottom line is that you need to decide if you can live with your relationship the way it is, or if you want it to change. If you want it to change but are powerless to do anything (you can't force her to change, as you know. You sound like an extremely reasonable, smart man) -- then you need to let her go. Or, you lower your expectations.
Keep in mind that as much as she insists that nothing's going on, you don't necessarily know what her guy pals are feeling or thinking. For both men and women, opening up your heart to someone else, even if they're taken, can lead to other feelings. Other feelings can lead to suggestions or actions. It just opens people up to all sorts of possible problems.
I hope this helps a little! Sorry I don't have anything happier to say :-) Good luck, and be well.
Laurie
Jun 18, 2009 9:32 AM
Guest :
I have learned that my wife of 10 years has been having an emotional affair
for the past two months. She accidentally left her facebook page open when
I saw an IM from one of our friends that it had been days since their last
kiss. When I questioned her about this she, of course denied all of this.
Red flags immediately went up. I have never checked on her in the past 10
years but I looked up her cell phone bill only to notice that she had
talked with this “friend” over 100 times in the past two months. Their
calls to each other were only Monday thru Friday while I was at work. When
I questioned her about this she confessed that he had feelings/attractions
toward her and they had shared a drunken kiss at a party. She claims she
told him she was happily married and there would never be anything between
them. After I learned this I asked her to stop all communications with
this “friend” and she said she would. She now knows that I looked at her
cell phone record so after a week the friend starts calling our house. My
wife was probably calling him too but I can’t verify that. She was erasing
all caller id’s from him on the phone but she forgot to erase the caller ID
from our phone in the basement. That is how I know he had been calling.
When I questioned her again, she once again claims that she’s not having an
affair, loves only me and all communications with the “friend” would stop.
After another week, I found where she had e-mailed him and in the e-mail
she forgot to erase told him she would call the next day. When I asked her
if she called him that day she once again admitted that they talked but
they were only “friends” and she only loves me. I don’t think she realizes
that what she is doing is wrong. How do I tell her that she is guilty of
an emotional affair? I love her but how many more chances do I give her?
Jun 18, 2009 10:16 AM
Guest :
My friends daughter fixed me up with one of her guy friends shes' been
friends with since 7th grade. He is 32 and i'm 42. well we hit it off and
have been seeing each other for 3 mos now. I've been feeling really
insecure though because they talk or text almost daily and i found out that
he is flying 1500 miles to drive back with her...she took a temporary job
out of state. While i don't talk often to her, her mom is my best friend
and we talk every day. She annoys me sometimes and talks about how he calls
her "all the time" and all i know to say is yes he is a nice guy.
I am not sure how to proceed...i like him a lot but feel like i'm in
someones shadow.... is there any advice? Isn't driving her back 1500 miles
going over the friendship boundaries? Or am i just being to jealous?
Jun 18, 2009 12:13 PM
Guest :
Thanks a lot Laurie. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
For one, my girlfriend wants to becoming a psychiatrist or psychologist
based upon her own family background (she grew up with a cousin who is
sociopathic and mildly schizophrenic). She really is a good listener which
is why people come to her. We actually just had a discussion today and last
night about this. It did kind of turn into an argument at several points
but we did lay down some foundations. She is upset that I didn't mention
this several months ago when she first started contacting my friend about
his personal problems. She claims that she can stop discussing matters
pertaining to her life, but she cannot simply ask the man to stop messaging
her on facebook about his personal problems as she's also a good friend of
hers. I have no problem with my girlfriend occasionally discussing a guy's
personal problems with him, as long as I have access to the message. On the
otherhand, the fact that this guy messages her almost everyday kind of
bothers me. I told her this, and she said it would be difficult to stop she
doesn't want to abandon someone. Should I possibly message the guy/friend
and tell him my concerns, or should I just meet my girlfriend halfway and
accept that she helps others with personal issues. Im worried that I would
just upset or embarass my girlfriend if I messaged him
Jun 19, 2009 1:16 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I definitely wouldn't message him, unless your girlfriend specifically asks
you to get involved. If you do approach him, she'll find out, and she'll be
angry (rightfully so). This is her friendship, and she needs to take care
of it.
Remember how upset she was that you didn't tell her how you felt about the friendship? Well, I suspect she'd be twice that upset if you contact him.
Once she gets involved in a counseling or psychotherapy career, the last thing she'll want to do is hear personal problems outside of work! :-) I don't know how long in the future that is.....but right now, the best thing would be for you two to meet halfway, so you're both feeling loved, respected, and honored.
It IS such a fine line: emotional infidelity versus helping others. Your girlfriend will have to learn when she's "abandoning someone", versus taking care of her own life and relationships. Sometimes people shoulder too much of other people's burdens -- and it's not healthy for anyone.
I'm glad to hear that she's open to making some changes -- and I wish you the best of luck!
Laurie
Remember how upset she was that you didn't tell her how you felt about the friendship? Well, I suspect she'd be twice that upset if you contact him.
Once she gets involved in a counseling or psychotherapy career, the last thing she'll want to do is hear personal problems outside of work! :-) I don't know how long in the future that is.....but right now, the best thing would be for you two to meet halfway, so you're both feeling loved, respected, and honored.
It IS such a fine line: emotional infidelity versus helping others. Your girlfriend will have to learn when she's "abandoning someone", versus taking care of her own life and relationships. Sometimes people shoulder too much of other people's burdens -- and it's not healthy for anyone.
I'm glad to hear that she's open to making some changes -- and I wish you the best of luck!
Laurie
Jun 20, 2009 10:43 AM
Guest :
Going thru years of physical abuse at the hands of my husband,..I thought
we had worked through that but instead of not hitting me anymore he was
spending many,many hours on the computer. When he was away on a military
tour was when I discovered that he had been writing to a group of
women,...a novel writing group,..but they way he would update them on his
situation and making it sound to them that he missed me and our
children,..he even told them that he preferred talking to the children over
the chat because when he's home they're out playing with their friend.
THat is all lies. WHile on his tour he chatted with the girls I believe
was 2 times and for about 5 minutes. Maybe 10 minutes total but he makes
it seem to these other women online that he was chatting with them like
regularily. He was also telling this group that he misses me,....but at
the same time,..as I discovered a month after his tour was done was that he
was actually had been emailing and chatting with another woman he had known
from highschool while he was oversees. He apologized and said he was a
jerk last year etc. and stopped contact (apparently) with this other woman.
He has still 2 email accoutns that he has changed the passwords to and I
cannot access them. He's been away for about a month (military) and I am so
angry with him. The memories of these letters that I had found with his
highschool girlfriend from last fall still pop up in my thoughts as I did
photocopy them adn took them to a lawyer so I look at them periodically. To
think that we were here worrried about him being there (Afghanistan) and he
wasn't really thinking about me at all still really HURTS me. Knowing now
that he has been communicating with a novel writing group for about 4 years
now and the group consists of about 5 women and my husband with most of his
emails directed to Lisa and landies. IT's always this Lisa. For a coupla
years or so he's been reviewing her writing and commenting on it and she
viewed one of his writing for comments. I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA of this group
that he was a part of. Bottom line is is that all these things make a
knot in my stomack and should I trust him any longer? Something really
died in our relationship when I found these letters from this other woman
from last fall and just finding out about this other online writing group
he's a member of that this woman LIsa had suggested he join about 4 years
ago.
What should I do?
What should I do?
Jun 20, 2009 11:53 AM
Guest :
After reading many of the comments below, I can definitely see now that my
wife has and still is emotionally cheating on me. We have had some
problems over the last couple of years as we both have not truly been there
for one another. I was working very hard to get her everything she asked
me for. I hated working so hard but I didn't want to deny her anything.
Since December 2008 my wife has been talking to an old neighborhood friend of hers when she was growing up. I was aware that she was talking to him and thought nothing of it, as I completed trusted her. Then one night we went out and my wife had a few drinks. On the way home she was calling him and complaining that he should take 30 minutes for her (the guy lives 800 miles away from us). I got suspicious and looked at her cell phone. I found that she had asked him to have phone sex and was setting up a meeting with him on a day she was telling me she was going out with friends.
This was horrible too me. I am not a man who typically drinks; however, I can tell you I was very drunk that night and had a childhood friend of mine pick me up so that I could cool off.
She has since appologized for the incident, which I have accepted (not easy); however, she still calls and talks to him and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. It is not just that she talks to him but that she calls him handsome, sweets and other endearing terms. On top of this she has said that she wished she could be there for him. She texts and talks to him multiple times every day. I have tried to talk to her about it and we have even been seeing a marriage counselor but she still doesn't understand that what she is doing is wrong and that it causes me unending pain and hurt.
It has come to a head recently when I had to tell her that I was thinking of leaving for a while. If this continues I will need to leave to keep my sanity. I don't want to leave but I am too hurt that she cannot give up this other guy even though she continues to say that she loves me. To me talk is cheap and her actions speak louder than any words she can say to me at this point.
The last time we saw the marriage counselor this topic came up and my wife was annoyed that the counselor would say that what she was doing was hurtful to me.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know that I am depressed most of the time and hurting terribly.
Since December 2008 my wife has been talking to an old neighborhood friend of hers when she was growing up. I was aware that she was talking to him and thought nothing of it, as I completed trusted her. Then one night we went out and my wife had a few drinks. On the way home she was calling him and complaining that he should take 30 minutes for her (the guy lives 800 miles away from us). I got suspicious and looked at her cell phone. I found that she had asked him to have phone sex and was setting up a meeting with him on a day she was telling me she was going out with friends.
This was horrible too me. I am not a man who typically drinks; however, I can tell you I was very drunk that night and had a childhood friend of mine pick me up so that I could cool off.
She has since appologized for the incident, which I have accepted (not easy); however, she still calls and talks to him and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. It is not just that she talks to him but that she calls him handsome, sweets and other endearing terms. On top of this she has said that she wished she could be there for him. She texts and talks to him multiple times every day. I have tried to talk to her about it and we have even been seeing a marriage counselor but she still doesn't understand that what she is doing is wrong and that it causes me unending pain and hurt.
It has come to a head recently when I had to tell her that I was thinking of leaving for a while. If this continues I will need to leave to keep my sanity. I don't want to leave but I am too hurt that she cannot give up this other guy even though she continues to say that she loves me. To me talk is cheap and her actions speak louder than any words she can say to me at this point.
The last time we saw the marriage counselor this topic came up and my wife was annoyed that the counselor would say that what she was doing was hurtful to me.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know that I am depressed most of the time and hurting terribly.
Jun 27, 2009 10:09 PM
Guest :
I've been married for a year now. My husband and I got married early in our
relationship. He says he's in love with me, but i just love him. Recently
the person I had fallen in love with before him, my ex fiancee, came back
into my life after 2yrs and he confessed that he still loved me. We've been
contacting each other through email and now through text. I enjoy talking
to him and sometimes I just wish I could be with him. I'm afraid of hurting
my husband since he's the one who has been there for me more, he cares for
me, my parents adore him..
Now I'm just confused as to who I want to be with. I love my husband but I'm still in love with my ex fiancee and I don't know what to do.
Now I'm just confused as to who I want to be with. I love my husband but I'm still in love with my ex fiancee and I don't know what to do.
Jul 6, 2009 5:38 AM
Guest :
I stopped in a bar one night for a beer. I started talking to this woman.
She gave me her e-mail and phone number which shocked me and I took it. I
dont know why but it probably felt good to have someone interested. I
e-mailed her a few times the next day but then realized I had gone to far
and stopped.I never had any physical contact with this woman. My wife found
out and has been furious with me. We are going to counseling now. I love me
wife and family but we have had problems in the marriage.
Did I go to far? I dont want to lose my wife and family
Did I go to far? I dont want to lose my wife and family
Jul 6, 2009 6:48 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Yes, I think you went too far. If my husband started emailing or calling a
woman he met at a bar, I'd be furious too! It may not be emotional
cheating per se, but it's not appropriate. It makes your marriage
inconsequential and it disrespects your wife.
That said, I totally understand the difficulties of marriage and keeping the love alive -- especially since you've been having other problems in your marriage. But, the solution isn't in other women -- as you've learned!
This experience with the woman in the bar isn't actually the problem. It's a symptom of bigger problems in your marriage. Try to get to the root of the real problems. They'll be tougher to deal with than infidelity or perceived emotional cheating -- but they're more important than the symptoms (which are important, too).
Stick with the counseling, own up to and apologize for your mistake, and focus on building a happy marriage. Your counselor will help you with that......and one thing that usually works is to ask your wife what she needs from you in order to move past this mistake. Listen to what she says and follow up on it. And, get clear about what you need from your marriage.
Good luck with the counseling -- it's hard to delve into your marriage, but it's worth it!
Laurie
That said, I totally understand the difficulties of marriage and keeping the love alive -- especially since you've been having other problems in your marriage. But, the solution isn't in other women -- as you've learned!
This experience with the woman in the bar isn't actually the problem. It's a symptom of bigger problems in your marriage. Try to get to the root of the real problems. They'll be tougher to deal with than infidelity or perceived emotional cheating -- but they're more important than the symptoms (which are important, too).
Stick with the counseling, own up to and apologize for your mistake, and focus on building a happy marriage. Your counselor will help you with that......and one thing that usually works is to ask your wife what she needs from you in order to move past this mistake. Listen to what she says and follow up on it. And, get clear about what you need from your marriage.
Good luck with the counseling -- it's hard to delve into your marriage, but it's worth it!
Laurie
Jul 8, 2009 10:07 PM
Guest :
I'm a 46 year old divorced woman who's been dating a 48 year old man for
almost a year. He's never been married, but has had several relationships
over the years. Two of these relationships were long term and he was close
to proposing marriage to one of these women, but things happened, and he
ended the relationship. Over the years, he has had several other
relationships, mostly with women he met online. He continues to maintain
contact with some of these women either by phone or online. There is at
least one who he had a sexual relationship with who still calls him on a
regular basis. They work in the same field and he says that she calls to
tell him about her current job situations. They haven't seen each other in
at least 2 years and she lives in another part of the country so I know
there is no chance of them getting together physically. He finds it hard
to understand why I get upset when she or others call. Once in a while,
he'll casually mention that she called, but I suspect he's getting more
calls than he tells me about. We see each other a few times a week and are
in an exclusive relationship. He always leaves his cell phone in his car
when he's at my house, which makes me wonder if he's hiding something and
doesn't want me to know when these women call. One day while we were out,
he received calls from two different woman in the span of a couple of
hours. He ended up blowing up at me when I told him I was upset that he
won't end these relationships. Am I wrong to feel insecure about these
relationships? A couple of months ago, he even sought out advice regarding
our relationship from this woman he had slept with in the past, rather than
talk to me about what was going on with us. Although we are in a
relationship, I sometimes wonder where I stand with him and have my doubts
whether he is capable of maintaining a mature relationship. The other
thing he does is talk about the woman he was nearly engaged to. I finally
told him last night that it bothers me that he talks about her so much and
asked him if he was over her. He has told me that he is, but I don't
understand why he talks about her and the things that they used to do
together. I've told him that until he's willing to give up these other
relationships, ours will not have a chance to grow. What do you think?
Jul 13, 2009 5:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Technical problems prevent me from writing more than 7 lines here, but I
did answer you on my Psychology blog:
http://www.suite101.com/blog/lauriepk/q_how_do_i_deal_with_my_emotionally _cheating_partner
Cut and paste this url into your browser. Note that there is a space that should not be there; simply delete it and the link should work.
Laurie
http://www.suite101.com/blog/lauriepk/q_how_do_i_deal_with_my_emotionally _cheating_partner
Cut and paste this url into your browser. Note that there is a space that should not be there; simply delete it and the link should work.
Laurie
Jul 18, 2009 8:14 AM
Guest :
i have been married for 27 years and just found out that my husband has
been talking intimately with my friend. she says she is just trying to help
us, he says that it's not an affair, he can just talk with her about
everything and nothing. I suspected something for months, repeatedly asked
both if there were conversations, but both denied it. He threw away his
portion of cell phone bills, changed it from me to him for contact info,
insists i am overreacting, and refuses to stop talking with her. I am
totally devastated and blindsided by all of this. NEVER in the 30 years i
have known him did I expect this. He is a moody person by nature so when
the quietness increased, i attributed it to his moods. I asked him for
months to go for marriage counseling, but he kept telling me that I am the
crazy one, nothing is the matter,Now i am suspicious all the time not
sleeping, can't talk to anyone because I wear my heart on my sleeve and
can't shut up once I start. We did star counseling, he agreed only because
he got caught. I don't know how to get past this... it is killing me...
Jul 19, 2009 5:49 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry you're facing this crisis in your marriage -- but have faith that
you and your husband will not only survive this, your marriage will be
stronger because of what you're about to learn about each other and
emotional intimacy (and infidelity).
You're not alone: many couples are struggling with the same problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there!
Laurie
You're not alone: many couples are struggling with the same problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there!
Laurie
Jul 20, 2009 3:37 PM
Guest :
blue:
i just discovered that my husband was depply in love with someone else when i found a letter where he was expresing his more private feelings for her and how sorry he felt for me because he was in love with her and in love with me??? wtf!!!, by that time we had 10 months dating and 2 months after we got married. was that cheating???????
i just discovered that my husband was depply in love with someone else when i found a letter where he was expresing his more private feelings for her and how sorry he felt for me because he was in love with her and in love with me??? wtf!!!, by that time we had 10 months dating and 2 months after we got married. was that cheating???????
Jul 21, 2009 6:37 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
How long have you been married? Is he still in contact with her?
Jul 22, 2009 3:54 AM
Guest :
I denyed any suspicions as my being insecure in the relationship and
thought he would be the one man whom wouldn't cheat because his biological
father had cheated on his mother - ending in a split marriage. I had him
up on a pedestal of trust. Recently, I found a bag containing items
(romantic and sexual) sent to him at a post office box between the the
years of 1998-2002. She lived across from the country. Whe have been
married since 1994. We had some trouble having our first son, having a late
misscarriage was devastating then we used infertility drugs and were
finally preagnant a year later. Then shortly after the birth (2000), he
lost his job. I breast fed our son, which if you know takes a lot of time.
He feels I was pusing him away at one time. He says he reached out to talk
to someone about the whole infertility thing. And they just became friends.
He is brushing it off as no big deal and he's over it. But it's new to me.
Now when I look at the baby photos all I can think of is what he was doing
when We were starting our family and I was caring for our son. I feel like
I can not trust him, but I do not want to shut him out either. I have
friends I have shared this with, but I think I need more help. It has
turned my life upside down.
Jul 22, 2009 5:56 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Having children - and struggling with infertility issues - definitely
affects a marriage! I suggest talking to a couples counselor in person for
help resolving your thoughts about his infidelity. The internet is
fantastic for information, but it can't replace a "real"
counselor who can really get to know you and your husband. So, getting
help would be my number one suggestion.
I recently wrote about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
You and your husband CAN come through this stronger than before! It just takes time and dedication to solve problems like this.
All best,
Laurie
I recently wrote about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
You and your husband CAN come through this stronger than before! It just takes time and dedication to solve problems like this.
All best,
Laurie
Aug 6, 2009 2:03 PM
Guest :
I am emotionally cheating and it makes me feel good but I realize that I
need to see a therapist and I have an appointment to see a lawyer next
week. I became emotionally involved with an old friend who I haven't seen
for many years. Why do I do this? It's because my husband of 25 years
drinks, he emotionally and verbally abuses me. Why did I stay? I thought
that in time things would get better that we could work out these
problems..what a joke.. I'm leaving I'm unhappy as He has disrespected me
by me becoming the sole provider of a family of two. I can't even clean our
house, garden, live, exist without being critized, from the moment I walk
in the door on a Friday to the time I leave on Monday am. I work a full
time job, overtime and a part time job to make ends meet and pay for
everything. I am sick and tired of answering at work and being asked is
there money around the house to pay for his beer, his cigs and other
things. He has two hands and won't provide for me...I don't care how much
he makes as long as he contributes..he doesn't even open up his bills..
these reasons and others are why I am going to end up divorcing him...
Aug 16, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest :
I think it is very sad we live in a society that constantly bombards us
with you have to be with someone or you have to have a family with the
house and dog and cat. Why is it so wrong being alone any length of time?
Especially after a break-up.
We need to ask ourselves what we want and not what and not what others think or we should be doing. Also, staying in relationships,marriages,partnerships where there is suppose to be commitment and love and there isn't...I seriously suggest getting out right away. Staying in the situations especially for "the Children" will only model your children to seek out loveless relationships.
Additionally..life is too short...so as long as the Internet is around this situation is Only going to get worse and it will sadly make my practice profitable off people who are lonely and not getting their needs met.
Lastly, if you suspect this in your relationship you both need to do separate counseling before couples counseling first. Good luck and remember...be honest with yourself and you will honest with you partner too.
We need to ask ourselves what we want and not what and not what others think or we should be doing. Also, staying in relationships,marriages,partnerships where there is suppose to be commitment and love and there isn't...I seriously suggest getting out right away. Staying in the situations especially for "the Children" will only model your children to seek out loveless relationships.
Additionally..life is too short...so as long as the Internet is around this situation is Only going to get worse and it will sadly make my practice profitable off people who are lonely and not getting their needs met.
Lastly, if you suspect this in your relationship you both need to do separate counseling before couples counseling first. Good luck and remember...be honest with yourself and you will honest with you partner too.
Aug 18, 2009 3:07 PM
taffy4 :
My husband of 30+ years recently was contacted by a woman from his old
neighborhood who had a crush on him in their teens. They started emailing
back and forth to catch up on old times and current lives. She lives in a
distant city and coincidentally we were going to visit family in that city.
He wanted to get together with her. When I said I wasn't interested, he
proceeded to ask her if she wanted to meet alone. They exchanged phone #'s
and he asked her when would be a good time for him to call her when he got
to town. In the meantime, he told me that he wrote her that he'd be too
busy to get together. While on our trip she phoned him, and a relative
happened to answer his cell phone. He didn't take the call, acted
embarrassed, would not explain who it was when the relative asked. A short
time later, he left and went to the apartment we were staying in, locked me
out , and phoned her. He says I am blowing things out of proportion, and
he's doing nothing wrong. He has a long history of flirtatious chatting
online. I feel that it's a betrayal, and it's emotional cheating. Is it?
Aug 18, 2009 3:12 PM
Guest :
My husbnd watches pornographic videos on the internet just about every
day. He knows that I object to this, and in this past has promised to
stop. He has continued, and now he says that "every man dfoes
it." Is that true? I view it as emotional infidelity. It seems he
prefers to watch all those women instead of spending time with me. Am I
right to be concerned.
Aug 18, 2009 7:30 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type
of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a
connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do
not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or
your wishes.
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Aug 18, 2009 7:32 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type
of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a
connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do
not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or
your wishes.
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Aug 18, 2009 7:36 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'd say both your husbands are engaging in a emotional cheating! The type
of relationships you both describe involve your husbands having a
connection with other women, which you aren't involved in and which you do
not want to happen. Your husbands aren't respecting their marriage vows or
your wishes.
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
What do you do? If they don't listen or respect your feelings, I'm not sure you can force them to understand. I suggest getting an objective third person to help your husbands understand how destructive these other women are (even if there isn't a physical relationship!). A counselor, pastor, rabbi, trusted family member, or somebody that your husband trusts might be able to help him see how destructive this is.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpfu! Many couples other are struggling with the same problem, and I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Aug 22, 2009 11:51 PM
Bno1consultant :
I found this email on my live-in boyfriend’s computer two days ago.
We are in our mid Forties and I thought we were very committed. I have confronted him about this email.
He is excusing this email and many others that are more intimate with “her” as “just being a good friend to her”. His defense is that it is worse to have read his personal emails than telling another woman that he loves her, that he will always be her baby, “that she is still the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on” etc.
What do you think?
Hi to: (my live in boyfriend’s name):
I just wanted to write you tonight and tell you not only thank you for all you are doing to help me out… but that it was so great seeing you and being able to spend time with you.
Its funny how after not seeing each other for so long, we can fall right back into the laughs that we always had. I thought, “Wow… it’s been like 4 years since we saw each other, but it seemed like yesterday.”
I just can’t believe that we are able to still pick right back up to what we had the most… the laughs. I really loved being able to laugh with you again, and am glad we never lost it.
I know that you think that you look ‘old’, but believe me… you don’t in my eyes. Not at all. You look the same as I remember; handsome. You always had great taste in clothes, and you looked very distinguished in the outfit you were wearing. I am sooooo proud of how you were able to pick your life back up to what you always did so greatly. You ARE truly a great businessman. You deserve all of the great things that are coming your way because not only are you a good person, but you have had to work harder than anyone I know to get there. I am in awe at how you went through what you did but still were able to come right back and have the attitude of, “I’ll make it again, but this time bigger and better.”
Remember when I used to say, “You’re my hero.”… Well, you still are. I hope you realize that whether or not you still drink has no bearing on what I think of you. That is your business; you don’t have to hide anything from me. I know that you know that.
Thank you for respecting my wishes tonight on not drinking when with me. It meant a lot. Even though I didn’t say anything when you ordered the drink, I like how you saw in my eyes that I didn’t want you to… and you cancelled the order. It showed me that not only do you know me, but that you respected me.
I love you (my boyfriend’s name). I really do.
And I KNOW
We are in our mid Forties and I thought we were very committed. I have confronted him about this email.
He is excusing this email and many others that are more intimate with “her” as “just being a good friend to her”. His defense is that it is worse to have read his personal emails than telling another woman that he loves her, that he will always be her baby, “that she is still the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on” etc.
What do you think?
Hi to: (my live in boyfriend’s name):
I just wanted to write you tonight and tell you not only thank you for all you are doing to help me out… but that it was so great seeing you and being able to spend time with you.
Its funny how after not seeing each other for so long, we can fall right back into the laughs that we always had. I thought, “Wow… it’s been like 4 years since we saw each other, but it seemed like yesterday.”
I just can’t believe that we are able to still pick right back up to what we had the most… the laughs. I really loved being able to laugh with you again, and am glad we never lost it.
I know that you think that you look ‘old’, but believe me… you don’t in my eyes. Not at all. You look the same as I remember; handsome. You always had great taste in clothes, and you looked very distinguished in the outfit you were wearing. I am sooooo proud of how you were able to pick your life back up to what you always did so greatly. You ARE truly a great businessman. You deserve all of the great things that are coming your way because not only are you a good person, but you have had to work harder than anyone I know to get there. I am in awe at how you went through what you did but still were able to come right back and have the attitude of, “I’ll make it again, but this time bigger and better.”
Remember when I used to say, “You’re my hero.”… Well, you still are. I hope you realize that whether or not you still drink has no bearing on what I think of you. That is your business; you don’t have to hide anything from me. I know that you know that.
Thank you for respecting my wishes tonight on not drinking when with me. It meant a lot. Even though I didn’t say anything when you ordered the drink, I like how you saw in my eyes that I didn’t want you to… and you cancelled the order. It showed me that not only do you know me, but that you respected me.
I love you (my boyfriend’s name). I really do.
And I KNOW
Aug 23, 2009 8:04 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
It's always a tough situation when one partner doesn't recognize emotional cheating! He is being unfaithful to you by opening his heart and mind to another woman, but you might not be able to help him see that. It's quite normal for him to have a special place in his heart for someone he has loved in the past, but continuing that connection isn't healthy for him, her, you, or your relationship.
How do you convince him that he is committing emotional infidelity? By getting him the information through an objective third party. This could be a counselor, someone he respects (a pastor, spiritual advisor, etc), or even a family member. The idea is to define emotional cheating from a rational, objective perspective -- and not someone he can deflect by accusing him or her of other things (eg, "you read my email, and that's worse!").
If he isn't willing to give up his relationship with this woman, then you need to decide if you want to live with your relationship as it is...or if you need to think about ending it. You can't change him. You can only change how you view the situation, and what you're willing to accept. You should be his number one priority -- your feelings, your wishes -- and if he can't put you first in his life, then you have to decide whether you can live with that or not.
Many couples struggle with this problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.
Laurie
It's always a tough situation when one partner doesn't recognize emotional cheating! He is being unfaithful to you by opening his heart and mind to another woman, but you might not be able to help him see that. It's quite normal for him to have a special place in his heart for someone he has loved in the past, but continuing that connection isn't healthy for him, her, you, or your relationship.
How do you convince him that he is committing emotional infidelity? By getting him the information through an objective third party. This could be a counselor, someone he respects (a pastor, spiritual advisor, etc), or even a family member. The idea is to define emotional cheating from a rational, objective perspective -- and not someone he can deflect by accusing him or her of other things (eg, "you read my email, and that's worse!").
If he isn't willing to give up his relationship with this woman, then you need to decide if you want to live with your relationship as it is...or if you need to think about ending it. You can't change him. You can only change how you view the situation, and what you're willing to accept. You should be his number one priority -- your feelings, your wishes -- and if he can't put you first in his life, then you have to decide whether you can live with that or not.
Many couples struggle with this problem, so I've written about emotional infidelity on my Psychology blog. I've also included a list of resources that should help.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?" You can also find it in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.
Laurie
Aug 23, 2009 12:06 PM
Guest :
I recently wrote regarding my husband's frequent viewing of pornographic
videos on the internet. He knows I highly object to this behavior, and it
has severely interfered with my ability and desire to continue an intimate
physical relationship with him. Are there any articles I can use to help
explain to him how his connections with the sexually explicit material, and
all those women in the videos, make me feel? He says his behavior is
normal and not of high importance. But, he doesn't seem to be able to stop
(addiction?) or else it's of high importance to him (more important than me
or my feelings and our physical relationship as a couple.)
Aug 23, 2009 2:19 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
There's some debate on whether it's an addiction or just a bad habit. But, regardless of what it is, the first step is that your husband has to realize what how it is making you feel!
To find the info you need, I suggest you do some research with different terms, such as "how p**nography hurts relationships", "effects of p**n on marriage". When you're looking for info to support your perspective, make sure you find it from a website that your husband won't be able to denigrate somehow (eg, he might not think too highly of information coming from a Jehovah Witness site, or a site that empowers women. I don't know -- I'm just thinking of his possible reaction!).
There's a good article on a site called "Husbands and Dads", called "Are You a P**n Addict?" Just Google the site and article name together, and it should appear at the top of the results list.
I hope showing your husband articles about how this material affects you and your relationship helps! Another option is to talk to a counselor together, so you can get a third opinion in real life. If another man explains how destructive that material can be, it might help your husband come to his senses!
Good luck...I wish you all the best.
Laurie
There's some debate on whether it's an addiction or just a bad habit. But, regardless of what it is, the first step is that your husband has to realize what how it is making you feel!
To find the info you need, I suggest you do some research with different terms, such as "how p**nography hurts relationships", "effects of p**n on marriage". When you're looking for info to support your perspective, make sure you find it from a website that your husband won't be able to denigrate somehow (eg, he might not think too highly of information coming from a Jehovah Witness site, or a site that empowers women. I don't know -- I'm just thinking of his possible reaction!).
There's a good article on a site called "Husbands and Dads", called "Are You a P**n Addict?" Just Google the site and article name together, and it should appear at the top of the results list.
I hope showing your husband articles about how this material affects you and your relationship helps! Another option is to talk to a counselor together, so you can get a third opinion in real life. If another man explains how destructive that material can be, it might help your husband come to his senses!
Good luck...I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Aug 24, 2009 4:32 PM
Guest :
I have been dating a guy online for three months now. We are both still on
the website where we met. Both our status say we are in a relationship and
only there for friends and networking. It is obvious by the things we say
and send to each other that we are together. He has a couple of other women
on his friends list. I took the guys off of mine. He only still talks to
one of them. He has even talked to her and a couple of others who arent on
there while talking to me. I have asked him to please stop doing that
because I feel it is distracting and rude. I am his girlfriend and should
be the priority. He has assured me that they are just friends. One of the
women actually lives close to him and he as seen her around town. I have
been "left" before in an internet relationship and I dont want it
to happen again. If he is being honest then I dont want to push him away.
How do I get peace of mind and have the relationship with him we both
deserve? My heart trusts but my head does not. If that makes any sense.
Aug 24, 2009 8:01 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I'm glad to hear that you were honest with him -- it sounds like you expressed yourself clearly and honestly. That's great!
I think that if you both have your online profiles on the dating site, then it's reasonable to expect that you both can be friends on the site with people of the opposite sex. After all, what's the point of having a profile but not connecting with people?
Three months might be too soon to talk about going off the site completely, but I'd think that would be the ultimate goal. I'd suggest talking about that after six months have passed, and you're still happy together.
In the meantime, it might be best to leave it alone. You've expressed your thoughts and concerns, he's said they're just friends...and three months is a little too early to start pushing for more commitment. Just take it one date at a time, without worrying about being hurt or him breaking up with you. Try to enjoy yourself! And, keep your expectations minimal: you're in a brand new relationship, and anything could happen. There's nothing wrong with being hopeful, but too much angst and fretting about the future and the "what ifs" could kill a good thing!
I hope this helps. I understand your worries, and I know three months seems like a long enough time, but...that's not long enough! It takes time to build a strong, committed relationship.
Also, I just rounded up several of my most popular dating, love, and relationship articles in my Psychology blog. You might find them helpful.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "Popular Articles About Dating, Love, and Relationships" You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.
Laurie
I'm glad to hear that you were honest with him -- it sounds like you expressed yourself clearly and honestly. That's great!
I think that if you both have your online profiles on the dating site, then it's reasonable to expect that you both can be friends on the site with people of the opposite sex. After all, what's the point of having a profile but not connecting with people?
Three months might be too soon to talk about going off the site completely, but I'd think that would be the ultimate goal. I'd suggest talking about that after six months have passed, and you're still happy together.
In the meantime, it might be best to leave it alone. You've expressed your thoughts and concerns, he's said they're just friends...and three months is a little too early to start pushing for more commitment. Just take it one date at a time, without worrying about being hurt or him breaking up with you. Try to enjoy yourself! And, keep your expectations minimal: you're in a brand new relationship, and anything could happen. There's nothing wrong with being hopeful, but too much angst and fretting about the future and the "what ifs" could kill a good thing!
I hope this helps. I understand your worries, and I know three months seems like a long enough time, but...that's not long enough! It takes time to build a strong, committed relationship.
Also, I just rounded up several of my most popular dating, love, and relationship articles in my Psychology blog. You might find them helpful.
Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "Popular Articles About Dating, Love, and Relationships" You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.
I hope to see you there -- and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.
Laurie
Sep 2, 2009 2:16 AM
Guest :
I had been confused about my husband's relationship with his ex-gf, with
whom he had no contact for almost 10 years, but they ran into each other
some time before our wedding. We have been married for 5 months now.
Initially I tried to stay casual about their renewed relationship they call
friendship only, but I had my concerns. After reading this article, I know
what to call it now. I don't know what to do about it. My husband isnt the
"accepting his mistakes" type. If I confront him, he would turn
the tables and call me a typical suspecting wife. I dont want to give him
any more reasons to get closer to that woman. She too is married, but keeps
lying to my husband that she is in a bad marriage. Altough I know her
husband, and he is a nice caring man. But just to get sympathy from my
husband, she lies about him and everything else in her life.
This is ruining my peace. I am expecting my first baby, and I fear that with this amount of stress, I might be harming this new life inside of me.
This is ruining my peace. I am expecting my first baby, and I fear that with this amount of stress, I might be harming this new life inside of me.
Sep 2, 2009 8:54 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
One suggestion I have for people with partners who refuse to see emotional cheating is to get an objective third opinion. If your husband refuses to see what's happening from your explanations, he might be open to listening to someone he respects. This could be a spiritual advisor such as a pastor or rabbi, a trusted family member or friend, or a therapist or counselor. The idea is to remove yourself from the position of explaining emotional cheating, and let him learn about it from a third party. How you arrange this depends on who the person is, his relationship to your husband, etc.
Another possibility is how you frame it with your husband. That is, instead of telling him it's a mistake or that he's cheating, you might tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and give him reasons to distance himself from her. I suspect you've tried this already? This is a bit awkward because you've only been married for a short time -- you're both adjusting to this major life change! He might not be ready to put you first and foremost (learning to put your spouse above all else sometimes takes years to learn).
Finally, I suggest that you try couples counseling or (less daunting) a communicating in marriage course. Sometimes working things out as a married couple is easier when you have a trained professional to help.
And, regarding your baby, try and keep your stress level as low as possible. Take lots of deep breaths, and remember that your husband loves you! He married you and he wants to be with YOU. Try taking prenatal yoga classes, and doing activities and hobbies that make you feel calm, happy, and centered. Also -- make sure you're confiding in and getting support from a good friend or two. Adjusting to a new marriage, being pregnant, and the possibility of emotional cheating is alot all at once! Stay connected to women you trust, who are mature and wise. They'll help you through.
I wish you all the best for you, your baby, and your husband.
Laurie
One suggestion I have for people with partners who refuse to see emotional cheating is to get an objective third opinion. If your husband refuses to see what's happening from your explanations, he might be open to listening to someone he respects. This could be a spiritual advisor such as a pastor or rabbi, a trusted family member or friend, or a therapist or counselor. The idea is to remove yourself from the position of explaining emotional cheating, and let him learn about it from a third party. How you arrange this depends on who the person is, his relationship to your husband, etc.
Another possibility is how you frame it with your husband. That is, instead of telling him it's a mistake or that he's cheating, you might tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and give him reasons to distance himself from her. I suspect you've tried this already? This is a bit awkward because you've only been married for a short time -- you're both adjusting to this major life change! He might not be ready to put you first and foremost (learning to put your spouse above all else sometimes takes years to learn).
Finally, I suggest that you try couples counseling or (less daunting) a communicating in marriage course. Sometimes working things out as a married couple is easier when you have a trained professional to help.
And, regarding your baby, try and keep your stress level as low as possible. Take lots of deep breaths, and remember that your husband loves you! He married you and he wants to be with YOU. Try taking prenatal yoga classes, and doing activities and hobbies that make you feel calm, happy, and centered. Also -- make sure you're confiding in and getting support from a good friend or two. Adjusting to a new marriage, being pregnant, and the possibility of emotional cheating is alot all at once! Stay connected to women you trust, who are mature and wise. They'll help you through.
I wish you all the best for you, your baby, and your husband.
Laurie
Sep 6, 2009 10:58 PM
Guest :
Thanks Laurie, your response was of immense help. I have been thinking
about talking to my sister-in-law who has been very caring and nice to me.
I just don't know if that would work or backfire, as my husband would think
I have been discussing our personal issues with her. But I suppose it would
be better than doing nothing at all.
I have given my husband ample feedback, both direct and indirect, about my discomfort with his "friend", the max that came out of this is that initially he used to talk in front of me with her, now he is carrying on with it behind my back.
Sometimes I feel so bitter I feel like telling this "friend's" husband to control his wife's behaviour, then again what's the point, when my husband is equally responsible.
Anyways, thanks loads for the response. Its nice to know that I really have a genuine issue and not going crazy inside my head. :)
I have given my husband ample feedback, both direct and indirect, about my discomfort with his "friend", the max that came out of this is that initially he used to talk in front of me with her, now he is carrying on with it behind my back.
Sometimes I feel so bitter I feel like telling this "friend's" husband to control his wife's behaviour, then again what's the point, when my husband is equally responsible.
Anyways, thanks loads for the response. Its nice to know that I really have a genuine issue and not going crazy inside my head. :)
Sep 8, 2009 10:03 PM
Guest :
Hi Laurie,
My wife of 4 years had an emotional affair a little over 3 months ago. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong, that she was cheating. She stopped hugging me and was just cold and indifferent. I was able to access her email account and found some transcripts between the two of them. She discussed intimate details of our marriage, our kids and described my penis to this man. This was all devastating, humiliating and incredibly painfull. She and this 'man' sent each other nude photos and had phone sex while I was in the other room! She pressured this man to leave his wife and she knew this man had kids. She sent him emails telling him how proud she was of him and how he was her 'ideal' man. I am now left hurt and confused. How the hell is he her ideal man? he is a cheater and a scumbag. He cheated on his wife twice. I told my wife that he had no intention of leaving his wife for her. She told me in a very cavalier manner that is was "no big deal" I was floored. No big deal huh? to who? We are now separated and in therapy. She has these expectations that I should just get over it. I told her that I need her to really get that she had an affair, I feel if she doesnt, she will do it again. She is an affirmation addict and has emailed other men as well. I could use some advice as to how to cope and what to do.
My wife of 4 years had an emotional affair a little over 3 months ago. I had this gut feeling that something was wrong, that she was cheating. She stopped hugging me and was just cold and indifferent. I was able to access her email account and found some transcripts between the two of them. She discussed intimate details of our marriage, our kids and described my penis to this man. This was all devastating, humiliating and incredibly painfull. She and this 'man' sent each other nude photos and had phone sex while I was in the other room! She pressured this man to leave his wife and she knew this man had kids. She sent him emails telling him how proud she was of him and how he was her 'ideal' man. I am now left hurt and confused. How the hell is he her ideal man? he is a cheater and a scumbag. He cheated on his wife twice. I told my wife that he had no intention of leaving his wife for her. She told me in a very cavalier manner that is was "no big deal" I was floored. No big deal huh? to who? We are now separated and in therapy. She has these expectations that I should just get over it. I told her that I need her to really get that she had an affair, I feel if she doesnt, she will do it again. She is an affirmation addict and has emailed other men as well. I could use some advice as to how to cope and what to do.
Sep 9, 2009 7:14 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I’m sorry you’re about your wife’s emotional affair – but I’m glad to hear that you’re in therapy. You might find the counselor’s objectivity and mediation helpful. He or she should be able to help you untangle the issues and communicate more effectively. I encourage you to be as honest and calm as possible in your counseling sessions.
Though I don’t have any other specific suggestions for you (other than to stick with the couples counseling), you might find a post I wrote called “What Steps Should a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” helpful. To read it, click on my name in blue at the top of this page. Click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the article about surviving emotional affairs. It’s also in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
“Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” in May, 2009l might also be helpful. It contains several links to articles about surviving emotional and physical affairs.
I hope it works out for you and your wife.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I’m sorry you’re about your wife’s emotional affair – but I’m glad to hear that you’re in therapy. You might find the counselor’s objectivity and mediation helpful. He or she should be able to help you untangle the issues and communicate more effectively. I encourage you to be as honest and calm as possible in your counseling sessions.
Though I don’t have any other specific suggestions for you (other than to stick with the couples counseling), you might find a post I wrote called “What Steps Should a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” helpful. To read it, click on my name in blue at the top of this page. Click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the article about surviving emotional affairs. It’s also in the July, 2009 list on the side panel.
“Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” in May, 2009l might also be helpful. It contains several links to articles about surviving emotional and physical affairs.
I hope it works out for you and your wife.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Sep 21, 2009 9:23 AM
Guest :
My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary by taking an
exotic vacation without our 3 children. The trip wasn't what I had hoped
although it was fun and we connected on some levels. I have known for some
time that neither of us were treating each other the way we should- whether
we took out our bad days on each other or just didn't remember tell each
other we loved each other enough. I learned about a month after our trip
that the month before our trip my husband had started talking on the phone
to a woman he met at a concert he took our daughter to. The woman had
asked for some photos & for my husband's cell #. About a week after
the concert she called him & apparently kept calling until I learned
about the calls a month & a half later. My husband only called her
back 2-3 times- she initiated all other calls. I have spoken to both of
them about the calls and why they began a phone friendship. She tells me
that she was in an unhpy marriage & found she had a lot in common w/my
husband regarding children, etc. She only text him or called when he was
at work, never when he was at home with me. In 3 weeks time they had sent
over 700 texts to each other, telling jokes, asking about each others day ,
etc. My husband swears she made the the calls/txts & that when he
responded it was normally 1-2 words answering her questions & that she
did most of the talking when they spoke. I know he told her that we had
not been communicating as well and that I sometimes took out my bad days on
him, etc- I guess in his mind he thinks he did better by talking to a
stranger about our problems than someone we knew. I found out about the
calls by accident & he had been erasing all of his texts & incoming
calls before he got home. THe cell phone bill is in my name & when I
saw the number of texts & minutes on his phone, I knew based on that
& his distance & irritability towards me something was wrong. They
are no longer talking & the woman has begged for forgiveness. Said her
husband is never home, never listens & has an anger problem & my
husband was just someone who didn't know her who could listen w/out
judging. She lives almost across the state & since the date they met,
my husband has been with me or at work every day- no question on my part
they haven't met again. I just can't make my husband understand why I feel
so hurt & betrayed. He's apologized but it's empty & he thinks I
should be o.k. He knows he was wrong because he hid it. HELP
Sep 21, 2009 9:30 AM
Guest :
Lastly, my husband & this woman were talking up until the day we left
for our big trip (they had met 2 weeks before) & she started calling
him again first thing on Monday a.m when he returned to work after our
trip. She called every day right after he got to work and talked to him
again while he wasn't with me. When I talked to her, she admitted she
initiated most everything & that he mainly listened to her but I know
from our conversations she knew more about my life than I wanted her to. A
part of me feels guilty that I didn't make myself more available to listen
to my husband & that I should be glad he chose a stranger than lives so
far away to talk to- not someone close or someone that knew me. I don't
think any of us want others to know our life isn't perfect even though we
all know no one's is but even though I feel somewhat responsible for
pushing him away- I still feel cheated on. While he was listening to her
problems- I felt like I had no one that wanted to hear mine- while he was
telling her his concerns about the way I treated himm- he didn't tell me so
we could work on it & while he thought about what he was missing out
on- he didn't stop & think about how he didn't try as hard as he coudl
have with me. I didn't get hundreds of text messages in a month- maybe a
few more I love yous or I'm thinking of you would've been enough to turn me
around and realize I needed to do or say more of what I felt too. It's now
been almost 2 months since I learned about all this & my husband
voluntaryily changed his cell # & home # to make sure she coudln't call
him if she wanted to. There has never been a weekend we either weren't
together or one of us didn't have the children, etc but even though I know
it wasn't physical I find myself crying every day, hard to eat, hard to
stay focused at work. My husband has apolgized so many times but I still
don't feel like he fully understands what he is apologizging for. We've
had many good days since this happened but I have had so many bad days that
I've kept to myself. I know he can't pay for a mistake forever if he's
truly sorry & I truly forgive one day I have to let it go & no
longer bring it up but I need him to understand that while I sometimes felt
like I needed someone to talk to & understand me that i never went to
anyone behind his back. How do you get past not trusting someone? How do
you make your husband who sees this as venting to someone who didn't know
him as though youfeel cheated on?- SUE
Sep 21, 2009 11:07 PM
Guest :
10 years ago my wife and I were going through a hard time. Fighting over
petty differences, money, me having to work alot of overtime to get by. I
suspected my wife wasn't being completely honest with me. She was distant
and cold sometimes. I started to search the files in our computor and found
a somewhat romantic ecard sent to a former coworker. When I confronted her
she told me that nothing had happened between them which I believed because
she was never really sneaking around and making excuses to get out of the
house or go places or anything like that. She had said that they he was
just a confidant and friend that she would talk to at work. Since then our
marraige ahs been good. however; every so otfen I would ask about this guy
and thier relationship. finnally she confessed to thinking that at the time
he was attractive and she had been interested in him, but realized how much
I meant to her after seeing that she could have lost me over this. I cannot
tell you how heart broken I feel about this. We have been married 20 years
and married as teenagers. I thought I was her confidant, her lover, her
best friend. How do I get over this and feel the same level of trust I felt
before this happened?
Sep 22, 2009 6:29 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
To the last two guests: your question is almost exactly the same (“How do I rebuild trust after my spouse had an emotional affair?”), so this is for both of you…
Getting over a partner’s emotional infidelity and rebuilding trust in the marriage doesn’t happen overnight – and your marriage may never be the same. It may not be worse, but it just won’t be the same as it did when you first got married. This isn’t necessarily bad – it’s just part of living together, loving each other, making mistakes, and staying married!
All marriages have their ups and downs; you will survive this instance of emotional cheating if you stay focused on your long-term marriage goals!
Forgiving your spouse and moving on is about making a deliberate choice every day – and sometimes every 15 minutes. Rebuilding trust is about choosing to leave the past behind, and reminding yourself to concentrate on why you’re staying married and what you love about your spouse.
Rebuilding trust is also about knowing that your partner realizes how destructive he or she was by being involved in emotional infidelity. If your partner can’t see that or won’t accept it, then I suggest marriage counseling.
I often encourage struggling spouses to try marriage counseling, because a counselor can offer an objective perspective of the whole situation. A counselor can give you insights in your specific behaviors and thoughts, which I can’t give here and which you can’t necessarily see yourself. Plus, a counselor can help partners see and accept what you can’t convince your partner of seeing or accepting.
To read more about surviving emotional cheating, visit my Psychology blog. I can’t post links to articles here, but I’ve written several on rebuilding trust and reconnecting in your marriage. Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” (in the July 2009 side panel) or “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” (in the May 2009 side panel).
Also – to build a successful marriage and reconnect after infidelity, you and your partner have to BOTH be committed to doing whatever it takes.
Best wishes,
Laurie
To the last two guests: your question is almost exactly the same (“How do I rebuild trust after my spouse had an emotional affair?”), so this is for both of you…
Getting over a partner’s emotional infidelity and rebuilding trust in the marriage doesn’t happen overnight – and your marriage may never be the same. It may not be worse, but it just won’t be the same as it did when you first got married. This isn’t necessarily bad – it’s just part of living together, loving each other, making mistakes, and staying married!
All marriages have their ups and downs; you will survive this instance of emotional cheating if you stay focused on your long-term marriage goals!
Forgiving your spouse and moving on is about making a deliberate choice every day – and sometimes every 15 minutes. Rebuilding trust is about choosing to leave the past behind, and reminding yourself to concentrate on why you’re staying married and what you love about your spouse.
Rebuilding trust is also about knowing that your partner realizes how destructive he or she was by being involved in emotional infidelity. If your partner can’t see that or won’t accept it, then I suggest marriage counseling.
I often encourage struggling spouses to try marriage counseling, because a counselor can offer an objective perspective of the whole situation. A counselor can give you insights in your specific behaviors and thoughts, which I can’t give here and which you can’t necessarily see yourself. Plus, a counselor can help partners see and accept what you can’t convince your partner of seeing or accepting.
To read more about surviving emotional cheating, visit my Psychology blog. I can’t post links to articles here, but I’ve written several on rebuilding trust and reconnecting in your marriage. Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” (in the July 2009 side panel) or “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” (in the May 2009 side panel).
Also – to build a successful marriage and reconnect after infidelity, you and your partner have to BOTH be committed to doing whatever it takes.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Sep 22, 2009 11:31 PM
Guest :
I've read this article and it does clear the concept of emotional
infidelity. But my situation is totally unique i think. I've known my
husband for six years and been married to him for two years now.My husband
lost his parents by the age of 14 and was brought up by his two maternal
uncles and their wives. He calls them and rightfully so, his parents.
Basically i have two sets of parents in law. One of the uncles passed away
5 years ago and my husband, took his wife(my husband's aunt )and their two
daughters to live with him. Obviously they are close and the widowed aunt
is very dependent emotionally on my husband.
My problem is that after marriage i feel quite threatened by their relationship. My husband never stands up for me and is almost obsessively protective and defensive for her. I know she is like a mother, but she does not behave like that and it makes me uneasy. She shares every little detail, of her life and her children's with him. She calls him all the time or they keep texting each other. My husband calls the children his daughters not his cousin sisters (that is ok for me cos they are almost 13 years younger to him).We had a lot of problem and finally his aunt and her daughters moved out to a different part of the city. But now i've discovered that my husband makes it a point to spend time everyday with them, he comes home late like 12am and 1 in the morning,stating work, but he never misses out a day to spend with them. and when he is there is does not pick my calls or talk to me...simply texts me that he will call back. He shares everything with her as well as me except maybe sex.And lately i also discovered that he lied to me about leaving early for a meeting when he actually had to go and drop his cousin sister (or daughter) to school for a function. He attends all their parent teacher meetings.He takes them out shopping and also manages the bills and all the odd jobs around their house. I'm not allowed to question him about finances or his whereabouts....
I belong to an Indian joint family and no body sees it as odd that he spends so much time away from his wife
Can this relation be called emotional cheating? or am just being insecure. Even a mother in law is told to back out of her son's life after he marries....
i've never stopped him so i don't apprve of his need to lie!I have tried to talk to him but he does not believe i have valid reason for discomfort.
am i just insecure, or is there something to worry about here
My problem is that after marriage i feel quite threatened by their relationship. My husband never stands up for me and is almost obsessively protective and defensive for her. I know she is like a mother, but she does not behave like that and it makes me uneasy. She shares every little detail, of her life and her children's with him. She calls him all the time or they keep texting each other. My husband calls the children his daughters not his cousin sisters (that is ok for me cos they are almost 13 years younger to him).We had a lot of problem and finally his aunt and her daughters moved out to a different part of the city. But now i've discovered that my husband makes it a point to spend time everyday with them, he comes home late like 12am and 1 in the morning,stating work, but he never misses out a day to spend with them. and when he is there is does not pick my calls or talk to me...simply texts me that he will call back. He shares everything with her as well as me except maybe sex.And lately i also discovered that he lied to me about leaving early for a meeting when he actually had to go and drop his cousin sister (or daughter) to school for a function. He attends all their parent teacher meetings.He takes them out shopping and also manages the bills and all the odd jobs around their house. I'm not allowed to question him about finances or his whereabouts....
I belong to an Indian joint family and no body sees it as odd that he spends so much time away from his wife
Can this relation be called emotional cheating? or am just being insecure. Even a mother in law is told to back out of her son's life after he marries....
i've never stopped him so i don't apprve of his need to lie!I have tried to talk to him but he does not believe i have valid reason for discomfort.
am i just insecure, or is there something to worry about here
Sep 23, 2009 6:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
You’re right: at first glance, yours seems like a unique situation! But the more I think about it, the more I realize its similarities to an “enmeshed family.” It’s not really emotional infidelity as such.
To learn more about enmeshed families (which I haven’t written about yet), I suggest you read about enmeshment on the “Self-Help Central” website. I searched for information on enmeshed families, and didn’t find much – but that website seems to have a basic definition. I can’t include the link here, but if you search for “Self-Help Central enmeshed families”, it should be the first result.
I also recommend the American Psychological Association and PsychCentral – they are wonderful resources for sound psychological information.
There are also lots of books on enmeshed families and how to dis-entangle yourself; I suggest you go to the library and see if you can find a good book there.
Best wishes – and good luck with your husband!
Laurie
You’re right: at first glance, yours seems like a unique situation! But the more I think about it, the more I realize its similarities to an “enmeshed family.” It’s not really emotional infidelity as such.
To learn more about enmeshed families (which I haven’t written about yet), I suggest you read about enmeshment on the “Self-Help Central” website. I searched for information on enmeshed families, and didn’t find much – but that website seems to have a basic definition. I can’t include the link here, but if you search for “Self-Help Central enmeshed families”, it should be the first result.
I also recommend the American Psychological Association and PsychCentral – they are wonderful resources for sound psychological information.
There are also lots of books on enmeshed families and how to dis-entangle yourself; I suggest you go to the library and see if you can find a good book there.
Best wishes – and good luck with your husband!
Laurie
Sep 25, 2009 4:27 PM
Guest :
I have a long history with emotional cheating. I have cheated in one way or
another in every relationship I have ever been in.
The most notable is with my most recent ex-boyfriend that I lived with. I was miserable with him and didn't have the guts to leave. I fell in love with my coworker. At first we were just friends and I'd talk about my boyfriend with him, but as my feelings for him intensified I tried to not bring him anymore, and eventually said that we had broken up when we had not. I'd hang out at his house until three or four in the morning. We never did anything physically, but he knew how I felt about him.
I have been married now for about five months, and I feel that this relationship is the healthiest I have every been in. I have not cheated on my husband in any way, shape, or form, but I worry constantly that I will ruin my marriage. We don't have sex that often, maybe twice a month. I'm not a very sexual person, I don't crave sex, and I have never been a very sexually active person (except when I drink, I get horny). I wonder if this is what leads to my infidelities?
The most notable is with my most recent ex-boyfriend that I lived with. I was miserable with him and didn't have the guts to leave. I fell in love with my coworker. At first we were just friends and I'd talk about my boyfriend with him, but as my feelings for him intensified I tried to not bring him anymore, and eventually said that we had broken up when we had not. I'd hang out at his house until three or four in the morning. We never did anything physically, but he knew how I felt about him.
I have been married now for about five months, and I feel that this relationship is the healthiest I have every been in. I have not cheated on my husband in any way, shape, or form, but I worry constantly that I will ruin my marriage. We don't have sex that often, maybe twice a month. I'm not a very sexual person, I don't crave sex, and I have never been a very sexually active person (except when I drink, I get horny). I wonder if this is what leads to my infidelities?
Sep 26, 2009 9:49 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I don’t think emotional cheating or emotional infidelity is the same as meeting physical needs or physical infidelity.
It’s great that you’re aware of the fact that you’re in a healthy marriage, and that you don’t want to cheat – and it’s important to remember that you CAN control your behavior! You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control whether you act on your feelings.
It might help to remember that if you do cheat on your husband, you’ll probably regret it for a long, long time. Surviving infidelity is incredibly difficult for couples, and cheating partners say that it was not worth it.
I also suggest that you find the root of your tendency towards infidelity. Why do you keep cheating? Talking to a counselor or therapist might be helpful, because he or she can offer an objective, professional perspective (we can’t always see our own motivations or needs).
For more help with avoiding physical or emotional infidelity, read my post called “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” on my Psychology Blog.
To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” – it’s in the May, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links here – though the link is in the above article).
Best wishes – and I hope your marriage is long, healthy, and happy!
Laurie
I don’t think emotional cheating or emotional infidelity is the same as meeting physical needs or physical infidelity.
It’s great that you’re aware of the fact that you’re in a healthy marriage, and that you don’t want to cheat – and it’s important to remember that you CAN control your behavior! You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control whether you act on your feelings.
It might help to remember that if you do cheat on your husband, you’ll probably regret it for a long, long time. Surviving infidelity is incredibly difficult for couples, and cheating partners say that it was not worth it.
I also suggest that you find the root of your tendency towards infidelity. Why do you keep cheating? Talking to a counselor or therapist might be helpful, because he or she can offer an objective, professional perspective (we can’t always see our own motivations or needs).
For more help with avoiding physical or emotional infidelity, read my post called “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” on my Psychology Blog.
To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” – it’s in the May, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links here – though the link is in the above article).
Best wishes – and I hope your marriage is long, healthy, and happy!
Laurie
Sep 28, 2009 10:07 AM
Guest :
After reading the last couple I have to get some advice. about a year and
ahalf ago I suspected something was up. Alot like the last comment of
finding out your spouse has had phone contact with another person 6 to 7
time a day I am going through the same. Now I have asked if it has gone
any furhter, and the answer has been NO. I feel I have been stomped on and
taken advantage of. This past weekend my wife put on a concert and she
told me this man was coming to meet me and view the show. I was livid. I
told her because I was pretty cold to both of them all weekend. He stayed
in a hotel all weekend so he wasn't at my house. There were a couple times
this weekend she went out for lunch and dinner. She opening didn't tell me
about it until I confronted her. I guess the biggest issue I have with
this is January 2009 I confronted her about the calls and cell phone
documents. She took herself off my family plan and got her own. Not only
that She is very protective about her cell phone, internet and email use.
If I walk into the room she turns off cpu, closes lap top or puts her phone
in her back pocket. I have asked to see her text messages, emails and so
forth and I make no progress. I told her I was done and fed up with this
entirely. I said if you are being unfaithful to me just tell me I can't
take it anymore. She graveled and told me she was meeting with hime to
tell him they couldn't keep this relaionship going cause it was damaging
her marriage. My question is why did she have to meet with him to tell him
and why couldn't she do it over the phone. Please be frank with me. Im I
just an idiot or am I making a mountain out a mole hill?????
Sep 28, 2009 5:16 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
No, it doesn’t sound like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I think it’s very destructive for a partner to hide things from another – especially so obviously! Why doesn’t she want you to see her phone bills or computer? That just breeds suspicion, insecurity, and distrust. In a healthy happy marriage, that’s the LAST thing you want to do.
My suggestion is that you talk to a counselor together. It’s often very helpful to have an objective third perspective to help couples see each other’s perspective. A counselor can help you see if you really are overreacting (because after all we just have your perspective here). You need to find a rational, calm way to explain that you feel disrespected and shut out from her life. And, the two of you need to find a healthier way to communicate.
I hope this helps a little. I also encourage you to go to my Psychology blog or click on the “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” link at the end of the above article. I’ve written several posts about overcoming emotional cheating. The thing is, if one partner refuses to see that she (or he) is being unfaithful, it’s really difficult to reconnect and rebuild a healthy marriage.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the articles about emotional infidelity in the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
No, it doesn’t sound like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I think it’s very destructive for a partner to hide things from another – especially so obviously! Why doesn’t she want you to see her phone bills or computer? That just breeds suspicion, insecurity, and distrust. In a healthy happy marriage, that’s the LAST thing you want to do.
My suggestion is that you talk to a counselor together. It’s often very helpful to have an objective third perspective to help couples see each other’s perspective. A counselor can help you see if you really are overreacting (because after all we just have your perspective here). You need to find a rational, calm way to explain that you feel disrespected and shut out from her life. And, the two of you need to find a healthier way to communicate.
I hope this helps a little. I also encourage you to go to my Psychology blog or click on the “Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating” link at the end of the above article. I’ve written several posts about overcoming emotional cheating. The thing is, if one partner refuses to see that she (or he) is being unfaithful, it’s really difficult to reconnect and rebuild a healthy marriage.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to the articles about emotional infidelity in the side panel.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Sep 30, 2009 5:41 AM
Guest :
Hi
Although my situation have been mirrored here in above posts, I felt it may help me by telling my story as well. To keep it as brief as I can, it has happened in the following way
I found my wife had made contact with an ex boyfriend four weeks ago, they had only been speaking for a short time, when I found intimate conversations between them, that ranged from speaking about our marriage, our physical relationship, their history together, braking each others hearts, to the possibility of catching up face to face in the next month.
When I approached my wife about these messages, she claimed they were innocent and nothing was going on, but slowly over a few days admited to the content of their conversations. I was assured at this point after making up with her that she would end it with an email. I also questioned at this point if phone numbers, addresses etc had been exchanged. I was told not!
I find weeks later a mobile number unknown to me on our phone bill, which turned out to be his. Again I approached her about it. She eventualy after a number of excusses admited she had his number and lied to me about it, but only kept it so she could call him person to person to explain she could not continue with the relationship, I was not happy with the expanation, and began searching.
I have some skills that allowed me to access her email account, facebook and phone records. These led me to find she had not only not stopped communicating with him but had gone out of way to give him a new number I had little access to. They had text, spoken and emailed throughout the month while my wife was lying about the situation.
I felt I had been cheated upon at the greatest level, the emotional level. My wife had always said to me she felt that emotions and making love were one and the same expressions of love. She may not have given those physical things to this person but she did give him those emotional things. She showed me that she held most important those feelings of another man in greater regard than my own, and compounded it by proving it three times. She had ample opportunity to end it knowing and seeing how upset and distraught I was even the first time. She chose not to.
I still today know she received and accepted a phone call from him, after telling me last night she loved and wanted me!
How can I respect, believe, trust he ever again?
And should I?
Although my situation have been mirrored here in above posts, I felt it may help me by telling my story as well. To keep it as brief as I can, it has happened in the following way
I found my wife had made contact with an ex boyfriend four weeks ago, they had only been speaking for a short time, when I found intimate conversations between them, that ranged from speaking about our marriage, our physical relationship, their history together, braking each others hearts, to the possibility of catching up face to face in the next month.
When I approached my wife about these messages, she claimed they were innocent and nothing was going on, but slowly over a few days admited to the content of their conversations. I was assured at this point after making up with her that she would end it with an email. I also questioned at this point if phone numbers, addresses etc had been exchanged. I was told not!
I find weeks later a mobile number unknown to me on our phone bill, which turned out to be his. Again I approached her about it. She eventualy after a number of excusses admited she had his number and lied to me about it, but only kept it so she could call him person to person to explain she could not continue with the relationship, I was not happy with the expanation, and began searching.
I have some skills that allowed me to access her email account, facebook and phone records. These led me to find she had not only not stopped communicating with him but had gone out of way to give him a new number I had little access to. They had text, spoken and emailed throughout the month while my wife was lying about the situation.
I felt I had been cheated upon at the greatest level, the emotional level. My wife had always said to me she felt that emotions and making love were one and the same expressions of love. She may not have given those physical things to this person but she did give him those emotional things. She showed me that she held most important those feelings of another man in greater regard than my own, and compounded it by proving it three times. She had ample opportunity to end it knowing and seeing how upset and distraught I was even the first time. She chose not to.
I still today know she received and accepted a phone call from him, after telling me last night she loved and wanted me!
How can I respect, believe, trust he ever again?
And should I?
Sep 30, 2009 11:44 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
Only you can decide if you should respect, believe, and trust in your wife again…and only you can decide whether or not you will.
In other words, if you decide that you want to save your marriage, then you need to commit yourself to doing just that. But, you can’t save your marriage if you don’t really want to.
The other thing is how committed your wife is to you and your marriage…if she’s still involved with the other man, then the answer is easy: you can’t save your marriage.
So, I believe that your first priority is figuring out if she wants to save your marriage. Then, you and she need to sit down and determine exactly how you will do that. Marriage counseling? Total honesty? Open access to Facebook and email accounts? I don’t have any exact answers for you. But, I think you and she need guidance in focusing on saving your marriage (or letting each other go). That guidance can be in the form of books, marriage workshops, or different types of marriage counseling (eg, from a pastor, a marriage therapist, a spiritual leader, etc).
Rebuilding your marriage is a long, difficult road – but it CAN be done if you both want it.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Only you can decide if you should respect, believe, and trust in your wife again…and only you can decide whether or not you will.
In other words, if you decide that you want to save your marriage, then you need to commit yourself to doing just that. But, you can’t save your marriage if you don’t really want to.
The other thing is how committed your wife is to you and your marriage…if she’s still involved with the other man, then the answer is easy: you can’t save your marriage.
So, I believe that your first priority is figuring out if she wants to save your marriage. Then, you and she need to sit down and determine exactly how you will do that. Marriage counseling? Total honesty? Open access to Facebook and email accounts? I don’t have any exact answers for you. But, I think you and she need guidance in focusing on saving your marriage (or letting each other go). That guidance can be in the form of books, marriage workshops, or different types of marriage counseling (eg, from a pastor, a marriage therapist, a spiritual leader, etc).
Rebuilding your marriage is a long, difficult road – but it CAN be done if you both want it.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Oct 6, 2009 7:11 AM
Guest :
I need some advice. My Wife has been playing Worl of Warcraft on line and
is on a server where they role play. She found a group of people and she
start doing the normal role play. Well, her person in the game started
dating another toon as they are called. She enjoyed the normal in game role
playing and then it was time for her toon and his toon to become intimate.
They call this ERP (erotic Role Playing) She said that it was all ver
inocent and that she did not physically touch herself during these
sessions.
She is now talking to this person during the game in IM's and she also gets email from him during the day and is in contact with him most of the time. This person moved his toon from the RP server to a different server and my wife moved her toon over there with his because she enjoys playing the WOW game with him.
She says that it is all inocent and that she just likes this person and I shouldn't worry...but I am. We have talked about it and how I feel but I think that she is in denial that she is doing anything wrong and that this hurts me.
She is now talking to this person during the game in IM's and she also gets email from him during the day and is in contact with him most of the time. This person moved his toon from the RP server to a different server and my wife moved her toon over there with his because she enjoys playing the WOW game with him.
She says that it is all inocent and that she just likes this person and I shouldn't worry...but I am. We have talked about it and how I feel but I think that she is in denial that she is doing anything wrong and that this hurts me.
Nov 1, 2009 7:07 AM
Guest :
I can't seem to shake of these feelings of what my husband said on the
internet to these other women, the filth. My heart hurts, this had been
going on for two years. From the very first day on that I married him, he
kept his computer password protected. He always said to me I have certain
things on there that are personal and I don't want you getting into my
business. I respected that, call it trust, but as time went on I would see
him early morning typing. Day after day, night after night, but when I
went into the room another thing was displayed and he was no more typing.
From that day I I knew something wasn't right. So I got on the internet and
typed in his name, and lo and behold a pornographic site came up with his
picture and all these women on it. I was angry but not half as angry as I
am now when I recently got curious because every night he tucked his phone
under the pillow, something is not right when your husband is hiding his
phone from view, no less by his side every night. Well, I looked into his
phone to see what he was hiding and found a women's picture. I was
curious, so I clicked on it and it took me straight into his inbox, with
272 women and scripted logs of messages of all the filthy things that would
shame the devil. I emailed it to myself and deleted it from his phone and
his email. I later read them thorough tears and I can't seem to shake the
feeling still. I told him what I did and he blamed me for being
distrustful. As I speak to you, he finally after three days of crying
apologized but to me he can't apologize enough. I'm leaving him even
though I love him despite what he has done, that's the sad part, I still
love him but I hate what he has done to me. I at this point can't even
touch him because he makes me feel dirty, again I can't explain why I still
love him, it's crazy. Anyway, I can't seem to shake this feeling, it's
more then cheating, he put to death my trust in him and I am not sure I
will ever get it back so why am I here with him, I can't stay, I have to
leave even if I don't want to, even if it is just for time to heal. I truly
don't believe he understands how deep the hurt is.
YMB
YMB
Nov 3, 2009 11:17 AM
Guest :
My husband of seven years has been emotionally cheating on me with his fist
cousin, he said we had become distant and he found comfort in talking to
her about personal problems we had. He had told me that he was helping her
out through a depression and she had claimed to want to hurt herself but I
know for a fact that she in love with him and will say anything to keep him
talking to her. He keeps telling me that it is over between them and that
he loves me and wants to have a life with me but continues to string her
along not telling her its over so she can go on her way because he fears we
will grow distant and he will have no body to comfort him and he also fears
she will cause harm to herself. She is a very young and sick person who
has confronted me and told me she will never stop loving him no matter what
and she will never leave him alone and she keeps telling me I messed up my
marriage now she wants a chance to be married to him and make him happy. I
don't want to confront her because that will only make me look bad to my
husband and none of her family members will step in to control her actions
they keep putting all the blame on my husband for what is happening. I
monitor all there conversations and this young girl is very manipulative
beyond her years! What can I do my husband is a good man whom I neglected
and I don't want to lose my marriage and my family we have two small
children. How can I fix this mess???
Nov 4, 2009 5:01 PM
Guest :
I've been dating a guy for two years. I enjoy being with him. We get along
great, never fight. We are both very even tempered and like minded in many
respects. He would make a perfect husband and a wonderful father. I
respect him. He’s a good person with a great head on his shoulders. I
always want to spend time with him. In general we are very compatible.
I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally cheating. During the first year I only had eyes for him but then I started noticing other men. I flirt with other guys although I'm honest and tell them I have a boyfriend. I've led one guy to believe I'm single. I think I should break up with my him because I'm not sure I want to marry him. Also it isn't a good sign that this early on I'm mentally straying. I feel guilty for thinking about dating others or thinking about what I would do if I were single.
I know he would be devastated if he knew what I was thinking. He deserves a girl that will be faithful and will reciprocate all the love that he offers. I’m not sure I’m capable of doing that. I’m not sure I can love him as much as I think he loves me.
I've always been wishy washy in relationships. So I don’t necessarily trust my inclination to end the relationship because part of me believes that we could be happy together forever. We really do get along tremendously well.
I'm in a tough place in life right now and he is a large source of moral support for me. So I could just be motivated by selfishness to stay. I'm concerned that I no longer want to have sex with him. This could be due to stress. In fact most of these problems could be due to stress and lack of time.
We also have disparate ideas on alcohol and social situations. I’m a social butterfly and he is reserved. I feel like this is a problem in our relationship. I think the party animal in me will settle down with age and we will be more compatible in this respect. But I fear that I will be missing out on a portion of my social life by continuing to date him. Although, we are both in the outdoors and he has a great group of friends who do lots of fun activities together. He doesn’t really mesh with my friends. My friends think he is square or pretentious because he doesn’t really drink much and sometimes comes across as judgmental.
I fear that if we were to marry I might end up unhappy and then leave him which would devastate him. That might just be a fear everyone has. Any advice?
I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally cheating. During the first year I only had eyes for him but then I started noticing other men. I flirt with other guys although I'm honest and tell them I have a boyfriend. I've led one guy to believe I'm single. I think I should break up with my him because I'm not sure I want to marry him. Also it isn't a good sign that this early on I'm mentally straying. I feel guilty for thinking about dating others or thinking about what I would do if I were single.
I know he would be devastated if he knew what I was thinking. He deserves a girl that will be faithful and will reciprocate all the love that he offers. I’m not sure I’m capable of doing that. I’m not sure I can love him as much as I think he loves me.
I've always been wishy washy in relationships. So I don’t necessarily trust my inclination to end the relationship because part of me believes that we could be happy together forever. We really do get along tremendously well.
I'm in a tough place in life right now and he is a large source of moral support for me. So I could just be motivated by selfishness to stay. I'm concerned that I no longer want to have sex with him. This could be due to stress. In fact most of these problems could be due to stress and lack of time.
We also have disparate ideas on alcohol and social situations. I’m a social butterfly and he is reserved. I feel like this is a problem in our relationship. I think the party animal in me will settle down with age and we will be more compatible in this respect. But I fear that I will be missing out on a portion of my social life by continuing to date him. Although, we are both in the outdoors and he has a great group of friends who do lots of fun activities together. He doesn’t really mesh with my friends. My friends think he is square or pretentious because he doesn’t really drink much and sometimes comes across as judgmental.
I fear that if we were to marry I might end up unhappy and then leave him which would devastate him. That might just be a fear everyone has. Any advice?
Nov 5, 2009 7:27 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
That’s a tough relationship decision to make. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I totally understand! I’ve been there, and so have many women (and men). It can be really difficult to know if the person you’re with is the one for you.
You’re right: many people do fear taking the big step into marriage and long-term commitment. And so they should, because it’s a huge life decision. But, when healthy, well-adjusted people take that step, they do it for the right reasons: they genuinely love their partner and want the relationship to work out.
I don’t think you should stay in the relationship because you’re worried about hurting him if you leave. That’s not a strong foundation for a good relationship.
I do suggest you talk to a counselor once or twice, to help you sort through your feelings about your boyfriend and relationship. An objective point of view will help you see your own motivations and emotions more clearly, which will help you decide if you should work through your relationship issues together or not.
If you do decide to stay with him, you and he might benefit from premarital or couples counseling. It’s seems great that you never fight – but really, that’s not realistic for a two year relationship. Arguments are a normal, healthy part of being in love! It’s important for a couple to be able to fight fairly and learn to resolve conflict.
Regarding knowing whether you should break up or not – I can’t give you all my thoughts here, nor can I post links, so I wrote a blog post called “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” I included a list of ways to know if you should let him go there – it might help.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” – you’ll also find it in the Nov, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
That’s a tough relationship decision to make. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I totally understand! I’ve been there, and so have many women (and men). It can be really difficult to know if the person you’re with is the one for you.
You’re right: many people do fear taking the big step into marriage and long-term commitment. And so they should, because it’s a huge life decision. But, when healthy, well-adjusted people take that step, they do it for the right reasons: they genuinely love their partner and want the relationship to work out.
I don’t think you should stay in the relationship because you’re worried about hurting him if you leave. That’s not a strong foundation for a good relationship.
I do suggest you talk to a counselor once or twice, to help you sort through your feelings about your boyfriend and relationship. An objective point of view will help you see your own motivations and emotions more clearly, which will help you decide if you should work through your relationship issues together or not.
If you do decide to stay with him, you and he might benefit from premarital or couples counseling. It’s seems great that you never fight – but really, that’s not realistic for a two year relationship. Arguments are a normal, healthy part of being in love! It’s important for a couple to be able to fight fairly and learn to resolve conflict.
Regarding knowing whether you should break up or not – I can’t give you all my thoughts here, nor can I post links, so I wrote a blog post called “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” I included a list of ways to know if you should let him go there – it might help.
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Know If I Should Break Up With My Boyfriend?” – you’ll also find it in the Nov, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Nov 6, 2009 6:33 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
To the guest who commented on Nov 3:
I’m sorry I missed your comment! It sounds like your husband is a “save a damsel in distress” man…he likes to feel needed. Many men (and women, too) need to be needed. His first cousin is manipulating that need and causing the distance between you and your husband to grow.
You’re right; confronting her probably won’t help. Why would she want to change – she’s doing exactly what she wants, and she’s more or less getting what she wants.
I suggest focusing on your husband, not her. You might benefit from an objective third point of view: someone your husband trusts, who can help him see that his cousin is harming him, your marriage, and your family. A marriage counselor would be an ideal person to help you and your husband reconnect and save your marriage! He or she could help you sort through the problems that lead to the emotional distance and neglect, and help your husband see that he needs to emotionally disconnect from his cousin. And, a marriage counselor will help you and your husband become physically and emotionally intimate again.
If marriage counseling isn’t an option, I suggest talking to a pastor, spiritual leader, or wise and objective family member – anyone that you and your husband trusts, that can sit down with you and sort through what’s been going on.
The reason I suggest seeing an external person is that you and your husband are so “in the middle of things”, it’s difficult to be rational and objective about your thoughts and behaviors. You both need to look at his emotional relationship with his cousin and hwo your marriage has been going with an external lens.
You might also want to read my blog post called “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?”
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” – you’ll also find it in the July, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I’m sorry I missed your comment! It sounds like your husband is a “save a damsel in distress” man…he likes to feel needed. Many men (and women, too) need to be needed. His first cousin is manipulating that need and causing the distance between you and your husband to grow.
You’re right; confronting her probably won’t help. Why would she want to change – she’s doing exactly what she wants, and she’s more or less getting what she wants.
I suggest focusing on your husband, not her. You might benefit from an objective third point of view: someone your husband trusts, who can help him see that his cousin is harming him, your marriage, and your family. A marriage counselor would be an ideal person to help you and your husband reconnect and save your marriage! He or she could help you sort through the problems that lead to the emotional distance and neglect, and help your husband see that he needs to emotionally disconnect from his cousin. And, a marriage counselor will help you and your husband become physically and emotionally intimate again.
If marriage counseling isn’t an option, I suggest talking to a pastor, spiritual leader, or wise and objective family member – anyone that you and your husband trusts, that can sit down with you and sort through what’s been going on.
The reason I suggest seeing an external person is that you and your husband are so “in the middle of things”, it’s difficult to be rational and objective about your thoughts and behaviors. You both need to look at his emotional relationship with his cousin and hwo your marriage has been going with an external lens.
You might also want to read my blog post called “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?”
To get to my Psychology blog, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “What Steps Does a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?” – you’ll also find it in the July, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I invite you to respond either there or here.
Best wishes,
Laurie
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