What is Emotional Cheating? Spouses Who Talk Intimately With Others are Committing Infidelity

What is emotional cheating? Though it may not seem like it, emotional infidelity is a betrayal of your partner - even though it’s not like a “real” affair with physical intimacy and intercourse.

Emotional infidelity doesn't necessarily break spoken vows, create unwanted pregnancies, or spread physical diseases. Emotional cheating can't always be spotted in traditional ways. But, emotional infidelity can be as devastating to a marriage or partnership as physical intimacy or unfaithfulness - if not more so.

Thus, determining the difference between flirting versus cheating is important to a healthy relationship.

How Emotional Cheating Starts

Most people don’t plan to be emotionally unfaithful. Emotional cheating starts whey they casually chat with coworkers or people they see regularly – and it grows into more than “just friends.” They go for lunches, take business trips, or make special efforts to see the person to whom they’re getting attached. They think about their “friend” more and more, until it becomes a definite emotional bond. Those are signs of emotional cheating.

Emotional Cheating and Internet Relationships

Internet relationships are more popular - and a possible threat to relationships! Emotional cheating can begins in chat rooms, forums, or discussion groups. "Just friends" evolves into private conversations and emotional infidelity.

In infidelity over the internet, “friends” may never meet. This means that relationships can flourish in public places like the office or in private places, like one’s own home. Bonds can grow and cheating can occur even when the coworker is at the other desk or the family is in the same room.

Anonymity is a potential problem with internet relationships and emotional infidelity. There’s greater intimacy because people are anonymous, free to share the deepest darkest parts of themselves (parts they're reluctant to share in person). Further, internet emotional infidelity allows people to build their own friends up into the most wonderful, kind, smart, and funny people in their minds because they haven’t met – and they certainly haven’t dealt with dirty socks, disciplining kids, or getting lost in a new city together. The relationship hasn't been tried or tested. Emotional cheating becomes a slippery slope when you're involved with a mysterious, attractive stranger.

Are women more susceptible to emotional cheating? Women are usually the ones who push the relationship further. Women want relationships to move from friendship to love, from computer to reality. Women tend to get more emotionally involved and are more emotionally invested than men. Men on the other hand see the internet relationships or emotional infidelity as part of their lives – a nice part, but just one part. Women envision soul mates or life partners; men are having fun.

Remember - this is a stereotype with regard to emotional cheating! There are men who do become highly emotionally involved with more distant women, both over the internet and in person. Bonds and emotional infidelity aren't the sole activities of either women or men.

Signs of Emotional Cheating

How to Stop Emotional Infidelity

Instead of assuming or vowing emotional cheating will never happen to you, spend time with your partner. Have open and honest discussions about your relationship. Have fun together; the more you make your partner happy, the happier you'll be!

Don’t forget what brought you together in the first place. “It’s so easy to forget why we fell in love,” says psychologist Gary Neuman, author of Why Men Cheat. Emotional cheating can make you forget why you love your partner in the first place! To stop infidelity, focus on why you first loved your partner.

Related Reading

Sep 17, 2007 1:51 PM

psychdup :

What type of advice are you looking for? I have personal experiance with emotional cheating as well as some clinical knowledge.

Sep 17, 2007 5:55 PM

Pink :

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Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.
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If persons are to be completely honest to each other as well as to themselves, it is extremely important that they do not keep secrets from each other.
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That condition is the beginning of self discovery. That is where you find out who you truly are.
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Check it out.
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Sep 26, 2007 8:09 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

This article will put a different spin on emotional cheating, and define it better: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_emotional_cheating_starts

May 2, 2008 10:02 AM

Guest :

After monthes of suspecting that something was wrong, I searched my husband's cell phone account and found out that he has been talking to this other woman i knew nothing about. They would call each other 6-7 times perday , the farthest I could go back is 2 monthes. Though they both deny sleeping with one another, I do not think I will ever forgive him or be able to trust him ever again.It infuriates me that he qould share and talk with this woman rather than talking to me

May 6, 2008 10:33 AM

Guest :

I have been living with this for 9 years. (I know; what a fool) But it is very hard when you love your mate and you don't want to believe that it might be true. It's just as bad as a sexual realationship because the feelings are still there. What's really hard is your hoping its a faze that he will grow out of, instead your finding yourself in the divorce courts.

May 9, 2008 9:48 AM

Guest :

I thought I was the only one. I had suspected something was wrong. He turned to an ex (who is married). I just confirmed this, it has also been going on for months. He also denies that they have been sleeping woth one another. He has just told me that he doesn't want to be with me or our kids anymore because he is confused & I just found out that she is divorcing her husband. I feel like its just as bad or worse than a sexual relationship because they have had time to really get to know one anther and form a bond. I may sound crazy, but I still want to be with him.

Aug 26, 2008 11:18 AM

Guest :

seems like most of the comments here are people that being 'emotionally cheated' on..i'm on the other side of the coin and feel terrible. I've seen seeing a therapist about other personal issues but right now the guilt I have about what I've done is excruiating. i hate myself for this... i'm trying to move on and away from the other person involved but he just doesn't get it. plus, i feel like he's toying with my emotions..why can't i just be happy with my marriage?

Sep 10, 2008 7:13 AM

Guest :

I have been single for many years, and met a wonderful woman to whom i have grown to love very much.For about a year now, I had been the one for other people to lean on, and I had hid a friendship and cell phone numbers from my girlfriend. I rationalized that she was just jealous, and she was the one with the problem until she stressed so much about it all, she had a heart attack. We had both prayed about guidance and direction, until I read part of a book called real love. In it, it described how we were to love one another, trust issues, and the like. We had fights about these matters for such a long time, both of us felt it was best to end it all. Little did I know that she had no support from her friends, kept it all inside, and when I realized that I had a support system, and she didnt, she had only me, I was completely taken by it all, and realized that I was the one causing all the pain and stress. WE are now on the road to a better relationship now, after I had opened up to her and admitted that perhaps I was looking for support from outside the relationship when all along, She wanted to be the support person. I had never experienced anything like this...I had been selfish, thinking of myself most of the time, and not her. Theres much we have to do in order to become happy again, but both of us are willing to do what it takes to get there, councling, stress management, the whold works. Right now, Im looking for a paster to help me help her, and she needs to do the same instead of keeping it all inside. WE both agree that we need help, and Im doing my part by keeping away from the internet stuff, and coworkers personal affairs...Its a huge eye opening experience for me, because I do love her so much.....Marshall

Oct 2, 2008 6:45 AM

Guest :

Is looking at porn and leering over the women considered emotional cheating? My partner assures me that he is not thinking of the women only what act they are performing.

Oct 2, 2008 6:47 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Well, I don't know if looking at it is emotional cheating as such....but it's sure unhealthy for your relationship, not to mention degrading to women. Why do you put up with that?

Oct 2, 2008 4:52 PM

Guest :

I came across this article and after reading just had to comment.
I am a 47 year old divorced woman seeing the same guy for 6 years.
First we had to overcome HIS need for "friendships" with ex's....this took 2 years and one big break up before he sought help through therapy and came to conclusion that he was seeking out validation...by maitaining these relationships to stroke himself (he is high maintanence ego wise)

During the "healing" process, he said he had a hard time understanding what the guidelines were for a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex.......I told him that 1) "The female friend could not have ever seen your penis...anyway shape or form" and 2) If he is having a conversation with a "friend" of the opposite sex, and there is ANYTIME during that conversation that he would feel uncomfortable with ME, his partner, listening in on....or over hearing, then you have and ARE crossing the line.......

Oct 6, 2008 11:23 PM

Guest :

I found the above article quite useful, there are still some issues that I am dealing with however which I feel are somewhat relevant to the topic.
To give a brief summary, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a total of almost 4 years, although we broke up, and got back together a year later. Sounds simple enough.
Recently, I have felt that something is not quite right, but being a fairly rational person, I decided that it was all in my head and I was (and probably still am) feeling hurt from when we first broke up. I have, however, encountered some behaviour of his that to me seems very borderline. In the past hes recieved lots of text messages from a young girl that he used to sleep with (she's very obsessed with him but he doesn't tell her to stop phoning or sending messages), has told his ex-girlfriend that he misses her (he only did so because he meant it as a joke that only she would understand, so he told me) and continues to ask her out to coffee or movies to "catch up".
I realize that its almost impossible to give sound advice when you are approaching an emotional situation out of context, and as I have said before, I'm still very angry, hurt and insecure from when we first broke up. Is what he is doing emotional cheating? I know that I don't do any of this stuff with people that I have slept with or dated, but who knows, perhaps that is just me. How can I approach him on these issues when all he seems to offer me are just excuses?
Thanks for your advice.

Oct 7, 2008 3:23 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

"There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see," says Judge Marilyn Milian on People's Court all the time.

Your boyfriend will probably continue to offer you excuses until an objective third party - whom he respects - can make him see how destructive his behavior is. I think he shrugs off your words, because it's easy to do that in relationships. But when a counselor, pastor, doctor, or some objective outsider points out how badly we're behaving, then we have the choice to change our behavior or not.

If he doesn't respect your feelings enough to change his behavior even after someone he respects tells him how foolish he's being, then you need to make a decision about staying or leaving. The ball's in your court then.

Oct 8, 2008 12:16 AM

Guest :

I think manipulation should also be taken into account, I have read that people are not born with such a trait. Instead it can start late in a relationship. (http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationshi p)
Speaking from recent personal experience if your life matches a lot of those things, maybe its best to get out. If your married and have kids..try to work it out. Read that article it really helped me with my recent problem: Basically i was in love with a girl for a year, but started increasing in arguments halfway through. I tried to stay in the relationship and keep it going by doing my best to keep her satisfied. But in doing so i lost some of my closest friends and relatives. One night i wanted to surprise because i had been reading a book she wanted me to read (here favorite the twilight series). I couldn't get her out of my mind and i knew she had a EXTREMELY distant cousin over (not blood related), to spend the night at her place, possibly because we were on a "break". I showed up to just be with her, and she was under the covers with the cousin (Just cuddling i know for sure). But she had done something like it before with someone else and swore to never again do it, and did a lot to make up for it. Bottom line, i was crushed, but i thought to myself "at least you can say you tried and were honest, this is not your fault, learn from this." And i did one of the hardest things i have done, and walk away.

But like i said read that article, if that is your relationship, you need to get your self esteem back, and cut off contact with that person. People like this are extremely hard to get rid of like the article said (never thought it to be true until recently). They know you the best (2ndly to yourself of course), and know how to get a reaction.

All i asked myself was "Does she need someONE? Or someBODY?"

Oct 8, 2008 8:24 AM

Guest :

My boyfriend has an emotional affair with a married woman.Her husband works in other city. she has a 5yr old son. I feel disgusted at times.

Oct 15, 2008 1:02 AM

Guest :

There is no relationship simple enough to fit the explanation for which in a comment here.
I read all of your comments. From all of the above, I've been in a worse situation. The relationship began with all the 3 stages - lust, attraction, emotional attachment. Then before my bf of a few months went on a trip, and things became long distance for 3 months ... everything became so complicated - exactly what I had feared and didn't wanna be in a relationship for it. While he was still on his trip, near the ed of it, I saw that he was adding women on the internet to his friends list, random women,.and I saw some comments and flirting,which naturally I didn't like ... and I've never been a jealous person, only tolerant. So I broke up with him over the internet. He accused me by saying I was wrong...that he was adding women and not men as he couldn t trust men lol. It was as if I foresaw everything that was about to happen, and it did ... and it made me miserable. I couldn't let go just yet, because `i needed to know all the truth about it, `i knew I was right but he had somehow made ME feel guilty by manipulating me..saying that I left him ... which I never did really, I had explained what bothered me and he denied doing it, but I cared for him .

Once he was back,he said he never met any of those random women there (the women from the net he was searching for ..for his trip...same location, all the women looked the same and had his tastes...) Long story short,after 2 years had passed and things were finally becoming better and better...we even travelled together to our countries of origines. Once back home, I found text messages (accidently) and internet conversations with different women.Some of them I recognized the pictures.Those random girls that were strangers to him 2 years ago. I was right about it all he had done it all...wayyyy past emotional cheating. He lied to me so bad,for so long. I'm beyond dissapointment..mainly for not being honest, blamist me ... and I could have caught HIV because of him ! How would he feel then ? and ow I m confused....how can I still love him ? I left him but he won t let go.
It's two and a half years now and I'm still with him, but by far not in the same way... I will never trust him again. After all my suspicions, and intuition (intuition is something everyone should always trust by the way) I am keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it ... he always pulls me back in, even cried and begged for my forgivene

Oct 16, 2008 6:43 AM

Guest :

My husband has a "friend" with whom I know he cheating with emotionally, how do you get him to see that it is unhealthy? We have and unborn child and he is being given the space he asked for. I know contact has not stopped with this friend. I feel frustrated as I don't know if I can wait around for him to make up his mind and for someone who is a really intelligent person he is behaving irrationally and really unlike himself. I know there are holes in the relationship that need fixing, I want to fix them. How do we move forward?

Oct 16, 2008 6:56 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Getting your partner to see that he or she is emotionally cheating can be really hard to do. Sometimes, the best way may be to have an objective third person that your partner respects explain how emotional cheating works and why it hurts. Coming just from you, a partner may brush it off as jealousy or insecurity.

The only way to move forward is for him to commit to you alone. But, if he's asking for space, he may not be ready for a commitment.....waiting around probably isn't the best idea. Perhaps you could move on with your life, and if he's ready in the future, he'll come to you -- and you may or may not be available to him. I know the unborn child presents a whole new difficulty, so you should always keep the door open for their relationship, but you don't have to keep waiting for him to grow up.

Oct 23, 2008 12:35 PM

Guest :

My husband found out about an emotional affair I've had. The disgust and self loathing I feel is over powering. Oddly, I truly love my husband but he obviously cannot believe that I can love him yet damage our marriage over this. I honestly cannot give him an answer as to why I did it. He has since become verbally abusive and cruel. Knowing that he wants me to hurt as much as he does, how can I emotionally and physically put up with the abuse? Do I owe it to him? Do I deserve it? When do I stop taking it?

Oct 24, 2008 6:54 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You made a mistake, and it tore at the fabric of your marriage --- but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it forever! Especially through verbal abuse and cruelty. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You and your husband both need help dealing with the fallout of emotional cheating, and you both need to learn forgiveness.

You have to forgive yourself, and he has to forgive you, in order for you two to move on and have a successful, healthy marriage. How do you do that? Each couple is different. Some need counseling, others can work it through themselves. Some need family members to step in.

First, though, you need forgiveness so you can have the freedom to move on.

Oct 26, 2008 4:25 PM

Guest :

This is an interesting subject. I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and have been for just over a year now. We have known each other since 2002 though and were just friends. One thing this article doesn't discuss are friends from the past. My boyfriend's best friend is a girl he's known for a year longer than he's known me and they are very close. Nothing physical/sexual has ever happened and they've always been platonic friends. He and I have really become very close over the last year, however he and his best friend (the only friend he really talks to) text and call each other on a daily basis and she invites him to go out to eat, motorcycle rides, meet up, etc 2-3 times a week. He also just returned from Iraq a month ago and she doesn't seem to show respect to the fact that we need OUR alone time. At the same time he hasn't spoke up to say I should be included when they hang out or that he feels uncomfortable about the frequent calls, etc. Because they have a strong friendship established before I came along it makes it easy for them to talk about things that I believe are unappropriate (i.e. personal things that should be kept private within our relationship, and hanging out without an extended invite to me at all). I fear my new presense in his life is threatening to her perhaps and he doesn't seem to fully understand that if he doesn't change the dynamics of their relationship that it will ultimately hurt us.

Oct 31, 2008 1:23 AM

Guest :

Well I think emotional cheating sucks, and specially men for m¡some reason they just wont admit it!!!...Ive never felt this way and I know its wrong =(...Anyways the man Im in love has a three year relationship and because of that we havent been able to be together..But we talk every single day and his really sweet with me!!..He told he was not leaving his girlfriend BECAUSE HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULd LAST...anyways we see each other most of the time in the University because we are clasmates and we have a special bond but he has a girlfriend and we have never ever had intercourse or kissed or anything physical..My question is does this count as cheating???

Nov 1, 2008 6:33 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Is he closer to you than his girlfriend? Does he tell you things he wouldn't tell her? If he's closer to you that way, then yes, it is emotional cheating.

Nov 8, 2008 2:06 AM

Guest :

In ways I wish I hadn't read this article,but I cannot ignore the message. I am in an emotional affair at the moment. I know its not right and I am not going to justify it by using excuses.My wife doesn't know but suspects I have been in contact with other women and we are now in counselling and I really want my marriage to work and after reading this its going to be tougher than I thought.I hadn't accepted my part in the relationship decline.I certainly have something to think about now.

Nov 8, 2008 4:46 PM

Guest :

My husband is involved in an emotional relationship with an old girlfriend. He claims he no longer sees her or contacts her but I know he called her last week, and he contacts her online. He has been going through some physical problems and is depressed. We started marriage counseling, but the counselor recommended individual counseling 1st because of his depression and the issues from his past. I'm not sure if I should confront him again or wait until he's feeling better and not so depressed. I wonder if our marriage can survive.

Nov 15, 2008 4:31 AM

Guest :

I honestly didn't realise I am emotionally cheating until I found this website. My husband had been out of work for 2.5 years, not looking very hard and being picky, in a depression, verbally putting me down and on occasions when I pushed hard around issues such as getting work, it would get physical.

I was supporting us both and paying a mortgage, I want a family and even offered for him to be a stay at home dad which he refused. I was depressed and had low self esteme. I was finding myself attracted to someone who had said something nice to me.

One day, when in a very deep depression, a colleague asked me if I was OK, initially I refused to talk but he insisted and I opened up and talked and it felt good. I wanted out of my marriage. He suggested counselling to try to fix my marriage, which I did on my own as hubby refused, I was able to cope for a bit as husband got work soon after and it got easier.

However, my hubby forgets himself and is still nasty at times and still a year on doesn't have a stable job and ignores my advice trying to help him. As a result, when I am hurt and down, I talk to my friend in detail and it helps me. But I suppose naturally, we have become close friends and talk about anything and everything and on occasion we will catch a movie together and have dinner, we never run out of things to say.

I have always asked/told hubby about my plans for the evening and who I was with and he is OK with it. He acknowledges that it is not something that interests him and is happy for me to go out.

In our 10 year relationship, although I have not agreed with his view or done it, my husband has said he is happy for me to get sex elsewhere if I want. We only do it once a month if lucky and he has also said he is not sexually attracted to me either(I am an attractive woman). He insists he does love me though. It just seems odd to me.

I find however, that I am thinking of my friend more and more and look forward to just talking and spending time with someone who makes me feel safe, appreciated and seems interested in what I have to say and the things I do, I enjoy the positive feedback I get.

I realise that I may be feeling an attraction but can't/don't want to avoid my friend as they help me when I am very down. Until this website, I thought cheating was a physical thing.

My hubby feels more like a friend.

This site has given me a lot of things to relect on and is guiding me to find what I should do to be happy.

Nov 28, 2008 1:30 PM

Guest :

I recently started working with my best friend's husband as his co-instructor for a design course. There is also another instructor who had worked with him previously. She is divorced with two kids and recently I have a feeling that she is working him up slowly. She compliments him academically, physically and emotionally. She teases him and laughs at all of his jokes. At the same time his wife has been telling me that he is not talking to her, that they haven’t had sex in a while and that he is always angry at home. Lately I have noticed that he seems to be enjoying this colleague’s company at work and has become more flirtatious with her. I feel responsible for not noticing it as being a potential threat to my friend’s marriage. My friend has her suspicions but I did not confirm anything thinking that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Now I am not so sure. Should I get involved by saying something to him? Should I hint something to this other woman? This really stresses me because, I almost feel like leaving my job, which I love, because of my loyalty to my best friend.

Nov 29, 2008 7:49 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

That's definitely a tough one! On the one hand, you don't want to see your friend get hurt - and it looks like something will be happening between her husband and the coworker sometime down the road.......on the other hand, you don't want to gossip and spread misinformation.

If your friend asks you directly for advice, then it's easy. Tell her the truth. But as far as giving her info that she hasn't asked for....only you can answer that! There are compelling arguments for both saying something and for keeping your mouth shut -- and the fact that you work in the situation adds a whole new twist. I can totally understand why you'd want to quit.

I'd suggest finding an objective way to let her know what's going on. If she could see it for herself - without you directly being involved - that'd be the best solution. Then, she can decide if it's a problem or not.

Nov 30, 2008 10:12 PM

Guest :

my husband and i have been married about a year. we have had a few major fights, about money, and space. he has gotten better but he still is distant, and needs excessive space. he locks down his phone, and erases all messages, wont take calls when i am around, and locks down his computers. he erases all his messages on his myspace and facebook and all his activities that are on there. we sit in the front room every night, and thats it. just sit there, and he is on his computer all night. while understanding he his a computer tech, there is a line of how mich he needs to spend on there. i tired to see if we could compromise and go out more, or spend more time interacting, but its all just talk on his part. his sister, who is amazing, has offered to share some information she gaind through christian school, about Gods creation for marriage. He refuses to have that talk. and recently, i tell him that i love him, and he sometimes doesnt respond, and sometimes, i give him affectionate looks, and he just shrugs, and goes back to his computer. and there is no sex life. and when we do anything anymore, its just for him so to speak, and he closes his eyes and doesnt look at me, which he never use to do. i dont know what to do or to think, and i have virtually no one to vent to . help...

Dec 1, 2008 7:45 AM

jeffrey ahmad hinton :

Im not really sure If what my wife does is emotionally cheating. It seems that my wife has a need to be in contact with ex-boyfreinds on a regular basis. she speaks about them to me excessively. She also has had an abundance of male freinds. Of course this didn't start when she met me. she recently invited a male freind over for thanxgiving with out asking. It was fine, but they spent half the time talking about his brother whom she used to be romantically involved with. Iv'e never seen or heard anything innapropriate per-say, but im wondering if these things in and of themselves should be a problem? Iv'e been accused of being insecure and jealous. Im not discounting that fact, but again, how should i feel?

Dec 1, 2008 4:54 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

From an outsider's point of view, I think your wife is being incredibly thoughtless. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings -- and the fact that she's inviting her male friends over without discussing it with you first is just plain rude. And, to talk about her ex-boyfriend?

I can't tell you how you should feel, but it doesn't sound like you're being insecure or jealous. It sounds like she's totally disregarding your feelings and acting like she's single.

Dec 1, 2008 8:04 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

To the woman who commented before Jeffrey.......I think you know that things aren't right in your marriage! It goes beyond fear of intimacy or emotional cheating to be so secretive about everything, the way your husband is.

I don't know if he'd be willing to get help with you (couples counseling), but if he's not -- can you go on your own? Then you could learn some ways to take care of your mental and emotional health.

Dec 5, 2008 8:29 AM

jeffrey ahmad hinton :

I really dont know what to do about my situation. my anger and frustration will not go away. almost on a daily basis my wife is re-connecting or connecting with an ex-boyfreind on facebook etc. She has also become very resentful towards me because some relationships I just put my foot down on. she says I have taken her life away. I guess I should have got a clue when on our second date she pulled out a list of all of her ex-boyfreinds. There was just such an attraction that i had to over look these things. I admittedly I have had some issues in the past with insecurity. so thats why things are hard to judge sometimes. the thing is that it just seems to be magnified in this relationship. any suggestions?

Dec 7, 2008 2:13 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'd suggest individual or couples counseling to figure out the difference between your own insecurities and your wife's inappropriate behavior. Most of the time, emotional cheating or fights between couples aren't about one specific problem - they're about personal issues that taint the relationship.

Dec 9, 2008 7:45 AM

Guest :

This is agony! My boyfriend of 2 years continuously is on contact with other women regardless of how many times and ways I have confronted him. He blames me for being in a depression and bringing him down which is very unfair in my mind since I got to this point trying to work through my hurt and disappointment. Each time I would ask him to stop he said he would... but then he would find a different way to go about contacting and finding women to connect with. He tells me he wants to be with me and marry me and at the same time has very intimate conversations, chats, and texting with these women. He has gradually grown distant and blames me and the funk that I'm in, never once taking into account his own actions and maybe considering he could be the one throwing our relationship in a funk.
By nature I have a strong intuitive sense and I do not snoop or spy on people, however, since he is so secretive about who is texting him furiously as I am sitting next to him or who is calling that he won't answer, that feeling of something is not right bubbles up in my gut.
He values his phone so much that he takes it into the bathroom with him when he showers, into the kitchen in his pocket when he is making something to eat, it never never leaves his side...and if I should actually get a glimpse of call or text logs, all of these females I don't know never heard of or ever met are there. He tries to assure me that they are potential clients from the gym or connections with sports promoters or some other bad cover up story - and its all bologna! He used to chat online with women he would find in chat rooms and at one point when I was really making an effort to find a solution, I agreed to go into chat with him. He was looking for women to be part of our relationship! in both and emotional way and a sexual way. I was left feeling horrible, not worthy, not beautiful, just not good enough.
he just will not stop and he doesn't seem to take my feelings into account and is now suspecting me of doing the same things he is doing - I talk to no one not even girl freinds much since he has put a time bomb in my head about one of my girl friends maybe being attracted to me in a bisexual way. he manipulates the guilt he feels onto me and I fear I am not strong enough to keep going through this. I ask him if he will go to counseling and he says he will. Well he is out of town until January and the madness is still happening. The cell phone bill always tells me his activity :(

Dec 13, 2008 5:21 PM

Guest :

This "emotional cheating" is very new to me. I always lumped cheating as just that, CHEATING!! I have been in turmoil for a good 8 years now I guess. I actually caught my boyfriend cheating in a car in parking lot once. I forgave him. NO ACTUALLY FORGAVE MYSELF!! I am not perfect. I've had money problems, didnt finish school, lived at home still when 24, always fancy free (do what I want when I want, dont really have anyone telling me when wrong is way too wrong, you know what I mean?), always had someone (family member, or my boyfriend) to help pick up the pieces when I messed up. So when i caught him, at the time I probably did something and felt I deserved it. Well we had it out and talked things out I guess and went on doing "us" after about 3 mos of hateness.
But thats not the problem, my boyfriend has more "girl" friends than the lord allows. The girl referenced above IS actually in that category. Noticed I said is, but will get to that later! Well he is a very sensitive, kind, compassionate, caring and always wanting to help kind of guy. And I have talked with him about this and how girls will use this to sleep with him. At first I thought he was totally naive but since we have been together 10yrs and I;ve had the "class" on the issues more than a few times, I think he is now manipulating me. I'm not stupid, I've seen the cell phone (he has two for work purposes by the way), I've seen his emails and recently his myspace and facebook. And not he did not give passwords, we share HIS computer and he left it up. Well I broke up with him because during one of our "not sure we should even be together" fazes, I wa very very close to cheating. I was actually having the emotional affair as described in the article. I DID NOT sleep with this guy, but I also broke up with my boyfriend for a year. We got back to together Jan of this year and I am still having the too many girls that are closer to him thsn me. He's actually told me that one (that he knew from growing up) will never go anywhere!! but I recently found out that he has had some type of contact with the infamous car lay. I found myself out of work recently and then my car broke down, and he really went balistic thinking we just signed a year's lease and he going to be hung out to dry again. I get unemployment and agressively seeking work, I discuss and show him this daily. BUT DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? HOW DO I APPROACH HIM? HOW DO I START IT? he gets angry easily!

Dec 14, 2008 6:16 AM

Guest :

Nice and informative article!

Jan 7, 2009 7:58 AM

Guest :

I have been married for 15 years the last 6 months ive noticed my husband has been making small remarks like youre not in love with me are you how come we dont kiss like we used to i didnt think anything about it i said of course im in love with you but ive been real stressed with the kids and work he came home and said i love u but im not in love with u anymore im in love with someone else we havent cheated or talked about being together but i feel a strong connection the girl doesnt know how i feel but i can tell the way she looks at me that she feels something too he wants to leave us for the feeling of a connection what do i say or do i know he loves me i think its an emotional bond we have talked and he is staying for the kids and to try to get things right again between us how can i cope with feeling second best i have lost respect for him because he was so willing to leave the kids for a feeling of a connection any advice please

Jan 7, 2009 8:38 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Well, the fact that your husband chose to stay and work on your marriage is huge! My advice is to focus on his commitment to and love for you and your kids....he DIDN'T leave, and he is choosing to love his family!

And, in addition to focusing on his choice to stay, I suggest you focus on your future together. Not the past. Focus on becoming more connected emotionally, spending time together, remembering what brought you together in the first place, and building a strong happy relationship. You need to find ways to bring love back in your marriage, so you're both happy.

You've been married for 15 years -- don't throw it away by focusing on a problem that you both want to overcome. Instead, focusing on rebuilding your love and trust for each other.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Jan 11, 2009 9:16 AM

Guest :

Do men ever come back after they emotionally cheat on you? We have been together 6 years, he started acting very distant 2 weeks before he ended it with me. Before that things seemed fine, I had no idea we were in this bad of shape in our relationship. He says we became more like friends and he dosen't love me anymore. Just realized it a couple weeks ago. He met her at work and they have been talking for a few months about our relationship and hers, she is married with kids. He never came to me about our relationship. He says her husband is in jail, and he is a really bad guy. I know he wasn't with her other than at work, and contact over the net. He is almost acting like he dosen't know why I am so upset. Like we got tattoos together while he knew he was ending it with me. I took it as a bonding experience while he just wanted a tattoo.
I feel like he didn't think I loved him, I withdrew from sex, got very lazy, acted like a friend to him, I pushed him away. I told him how I felt, that I could have worked on things that were wrong. He didn't give us a chance and it wasn't fair. I told him that too. I told him that I had so much love for him that I could have given him, but he didn't give me a chance. If I would have known things were this bad I would have showed him how much he meant to me. I didn't think it was that bad cause I thought he was just being his usual non worrying lazy self and didn't worry about our relationship.

Is there a chance? I told him these things in a calm manner, with tears but I was calm. I told him he was my everything, my life, my rock. He left after I told him these things but he will be back sometime this week. I don't know how to deal with knowing what went wrong with us and it hurts that I didn't get a chance with him to change these things. All were very changable. I am going to give him lots of space when he is living here as roomates with me, I am going to change for myself cause I needed to anyway. I feel hopeless.

Jan 11, 2009 11:54 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry that your relationship is faltering - my heart goes out to you. It's a devastating feeling, I know.

Yes, couples can reunite after breaking up or if one partner has an emotional affair....but I can't predict if you and he will get back together. If he's not willing to work on your relationship with you, then it doesn't seem likely that you will reconcile. I'm sorry to say that.

Maybe, if he's given time and space, he'll decide that he does want to give your relationship a chance. That happens often enough!

Good luck, and I'm sad for your broken heart.

Laurie

Jan 21, 2009 5:12 AM

Guest :

After my husband telling me he isnt in love with me anymore but he loves me he said he loves someone else all he can do is think about her nothing else they havent been togeter or discussed it but he feels that strong that she is his soulmate chance of a life time He decided he wanted to leave we have children together i informed him that if he leaves i wont take him back when it doesnt work out and that im not going to stay and watch him in a new relationship and me and the girls were going to move to a larger town so we can get on with our lives and that i could have a chance of getting a better job or a feeling of starting over i explained he can come see the girls whenever so he decided to stay not to work things out with us but to be near the girls but we have tried to get it back on the right track in the mean time but how much can i take knowing he is in love with someone else when we have sex he said he thinks about her and he is thinking about her more and more its not getting any easier for him or me what do i do please any advice he is here for the kids only and my feelings just keep getting walked over more and more for the sake of the kids i dont matter anywhere here im not getting anything in return just giving help please

Jan 21, 2009 10:43 AM

Lexie01 :

I recently found out that my husband of only 3.5 years reconnected with an old girlfriend thanks to Facebook. I saw chats that seemed inappropriate to me. They were pushing the limit between friendship and emotional infidelity. I've confronted him and he apologized for hurting me and agreed that if the situation were reversed he would not have appreciated all the chats, phone conversations and secrecy. He agreed not to contact her anymore. How do I begin to trust him again? I can't get over it and although it seems like they haven't contacted each other, how can I believe that he has truly cut her off?

Jan 21, 2009 3:17 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You need to put it behind you, because if you act with jealousy and insecurity, you'll drive a wedge between you two. Marriages are plagued with "a thousand tiny hurts" -- and to prevent those hurts from wrecking your relationship, you need to forgive and let it go.

How do you trust him again? Stop nourishing your hurt and fears. Focus on the fact that he admitted he made a mistake, he's stopped his relationship with her, and he's dedicated to you. Don't set yourself and him up for a rough road by dwelling on his mistake!

Good luck -- it's hard, but that's marriage.....I've been married for 3.5 years too, by the way :-) It's great - I love being married -- but great relationships take alot of work.

Laurie

Jan 26, 2009 9:25 AM

Lexie01 :

Thank you Laurie for your advice but I also just recently (after posting my comment) that he had been married before. He had been lying to me about it. I feel like a fool. He said it doesn't change anything about how much he loved me, blah blah blah but there is the issue of trust again. Should I just let it go so we can move on with our lives or is there some deeper problem here? First there's the boarderline emotional cheating with ex girlfriend now there's information about a previous marriage...

Jan 26, 2009 10:43 AM

Guest :

Mine is similar to the one above. I caught mine with a secret my space account and there were inapprpriate comments both emotional and sexual between him and his one only friend -a girl he used to talk to. He claims that he called her the very next day and told her to stop. But I will never really know if he really did. How do you know if this is only a glimpse of what is to come? Everything he tells me about the whole thing feels like a lie.

Jan 26, 2009 1:00 PM

Guest :

My boyfriend has a relationship with a female friend that definitely crosses the lines of appropriateness. I have confronted him about it; he insists that they are just friends and that there is nothing wrong with how they act. Most of the inappropriateness is on the female friends end: she'll address emails to him with "hey sexy" and once wrote that she's "sending him kisses on his neck". I've become really paranoid and have resorted to sneaking through his texts and emails. We're trying to work through a rough patch in our relationship but he insists that she means a lot to him, as all his friends do, and that he doesn't see what his relationship with her has to do with our relationship. I recently found out that he's been going to her for advice about his job and has only told me in a few words what his problems are (work-related). There are so many more examples of their inappropriateness. How do I get him to see that his friendship is not appropriate? What do you do when the person you're with doesn't think they're cheating on you?

Jan 31, 2009 4:34 PM

Guest :

My husband is having an emotional affair, at the very least. A few months our intimate life decreased, he started working out (he does this off and on) and being extremely secretive about his phone and computer. I blew it off until he received a call late night. I didn't answer it (I regret it until this day) but I did confront him about it (he was sleep). He stated that it was someone who he dated in the past who called him out of the blue and didn't know he was married. This was the first red flag. Well, I started becoming suspicious and gained access to his email. I found what I was looking for and more. He flirts with a woman who paid him no mind when he was single (this is what he basically said to the woman), he took another woman to "our" restaurant for lunch, and worst off he was emailing a woman everyday referring to her as his "sunshine" and telling her he's been thinking about her with a rose symbol (he's never done this for me). He left her an address for a hotel (I know I'm being dumb about it but I couldn't figure out if it was for a fling or work conference as she is an ex co-worker). It simply said he's the address for Monday. I felt very hurt and betrayed by this so we fought often. I accussed him but never gave him my source as I didn't want to be cut off from my information source. It was through his flirtatious emails that I found out what he thought was wrong about our relationship. He has denied it until this day. I tried to forgive and move on knowing that he is not telling the truth. Also during the time when he wrote the emails everyday he was constantly telling me what was wrong with me and when I told him what I thought was wrong with us he would tell me "You can go" or "If you don't like it then leave." We've been married for a little less than three years and he's never been this way. I recently found out that half of his passwords are in "sunshine's" name! She's married and older than him by 2 or 3 years. She has grandkids! And we don't even have any kids together. Therefore, even though I only have circumstantial evidence of the physical cheating, I know that he was "all in" emotionally and he won't tell me the truth about it. He agreed to counseling but before the counseling we recently had a big fight...I told him I knew there was someone and now he acts as if he's mad at me. I love him dearly but I dont know how to trust him. Will counseling work in a situation where someone refuse to tell the truth?

Feb 1, 2009 6:12 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Yes, counseling can work even in a situation where he refuses to tell the truth -- unless you've already been in couples counseling for years, and it hasn't gone anywhere. It's definitely worth a try, because if he's at least willing to see a counselor with you, it means he's willing to work on your relationship.

Hopefully, the counselor will help him see how destructive emotional cheating is, and how important it is for your husband to be honest with you. I can't predict the future, but I commend you for going to counseling -- and I encourage you to listen to his or her advice with both ears.

Good luck, and come back anytime to let me know how things are going!

Laurie

Feb 8, 2009 2:56 PM

Guest :

Emotional Infidelity: First the Marrige like carrige ride on equal partnership, trust, faithfullness and honesty. My friend Terry told me once about cheating, his advise was " Do not put your candle in fire and prey Lord not to melt it." that means do not start an affair, knowingly it will destroy what you already have.

Second: Use a particular time in a day eithier Coffee or after dinner to seat down and talk about issue, sex, help around the house, finance your goals, your problems, family reletionship what ever you want to bring your partner on same page you are on.

third: always have rule of engagments, no fight, no name calling, no threats, no loud voice laced with anger if any of this happen end the session and resume only after few miniuts of cooling off.

When you took vow to walk with a person on the road of happy life to spend long time until death make sure the road is sweap and clean on daily basis. Dushyant D. Banker ddbanker24@Yahoo.com

To end affair simply take outside help and both partner should help each other to understand reason and cause for all this and work on root problem together. My persoal affair was ended with divine help by asking for Lord's help because I am weaker than I thought I was and it worked well last 10 years I am clean and stright.

Feb 17, 2009 5:51 AM

Guest :

im having this problem with my boyfriend of six years he is talking to another lady on the side they seem to think its ok .She is my neibor of all things .

Feb 24, 2009 6:00 AM

Guest :

Lately, my husband has been on the internet for many hours at from night till the wee hours of the morning (at times up to 5 am) before he sleeps. Whenever I question him about it, he tells me that he's under tremendous stress and needs space to do his stuff (facebook texas hold'em poker). I found out that he has started having many poker buddies (most of them are women) and I told him out right that I didn't like it. Since I had access to his password I deleted his women buddies and he got really mad with me. Shouted at me. Was I wrong to delete his buddies? He told me I shouldn't have acted that way. I pleaded to him that I feel very insecure whenever he does that. He told me "he'll do even more to make me so". What does that mean? Is he already cheating on me and has no more love for me? How can one who loves you, do on purpose to hurt that person?
Now, he has created new user ID for his facebook and is still continuing with the activities till late at night.

Feb 24, 2009 6:15 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry to hear that things have spiraled downwards with your husband! But, rest assured that many relationships go through awkward, painful stages - and sometimes come out stronger.

It may have been a mistake to delete his buddies from his account -- even if you disagree with who he plays with. As adults, we need to be able to control our own lives (including our game accounts), and to have someone go in to your stuff and make changes is disruptive and even enraging. It does cross the line, I believe.

But it's not too late to make things right! Pick a time to sit down and talk with him, calmly and without tears, anger, or blame. Explain how his actions make you feel -- and really listen when he tells you how your actions made him feel. Try and work together to figure out a way that he can de-stress without disrupting your marriage, or wandering into the "emotinal infidelity" minefield.

This is just my opinion - it's not psychological advice! I don't know you or your husband, so can't offer anything other than my thoughts on better communication and healthy relationships.

Good luck,

Laurie

Feb 24, 2009 6:16 PM

Guest :

thanks to this article ive been able to figure that my boyfriend has been emotionally cheating on me for the past year. it will be fun kicking him to the curb!

Mar 5, 2009 10:39 PM

Guest :

On march of 2000 my sons father and i started going out. i was 15, he 17. we had 2 great years of a relationship. i lost friends and family didnt approve, but i was happy and didn care. sex life was great. then what i believe was the match that lit the fire, his dad was verbally and turned into physically abusive with his mom. his parents divorced when he was 17. he started acting angry towards his mom, then me. basically, this articale showed me some very important things... one is that it started as an emotional affair. i couldnt have sex with a guy i was afraid of.. he threw things around, punched holes in walls, and more, i became afraid(especially by hat time i was still only 17)... and my advice for anger issues is for the girl(or guy) to leave and never look back unless he agrees for help and he does not do it again!!! i started confiding in peers, people from school, friends of my sisters. we broke up after one of his displays, i had an affair and never told him, we got back together, that cycle continued. i was comfortable with him and thoughti loved him. in my senior year of HS i met my new best friend. i confided in her, what a mistake. she made me feel he deserved to flat out be cheated on. i did. it was my fault. in total, since i was 15 i had been with about 10 guys, half while we were broken up, half while we were together. mostly thinking i NEED to get over him. i became pregnant in january of 2006. when i was 5 motnhs pregnant, i noticed flirting between my sons father(who i had admitted at that point to cheating only once or twice), and the best friend. when i was 7 motnhs pregnant, he suddenly had her name tattooed to his right forearm. during those couple months they denied it, then it was obvious. they are now engaged shes pregnant, child support is battle, and i believe it started confiding in others about my relationship issues basically behind his back, it should be left to the pros if it really irks you! never thought i'd be a single mom, but must say am extremely happy with my wonderful son. Now, this is my problem with all that happened,I get feelings of resentment still and its hard to stay faithful, i find it so alluring any guy that "just listens" to me then I "love" them. are there any "exercises" that can be done with my current love to keep me away from doing anything i will regret even with all the animocity towards men?? Is there something I need to hear? Iknow complicated. IF YOU FEEL TRUST IS LOST GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY

Mar 6, 2009 9:11 PM

Guest :

My boyfriend and I have recently gotten back together. We dated for over a year, then broke up for a year. He has been very honest with me about everything in his past, including information about one of his best friends who is a female. Apparently he was sleeping with her for a brief period of time several years ago while he was in an unsatisfying relationship. He claims he wanted to be with this girl that he slept with at the time and swears he is no longer interested and hasn't been for quite some time. That is what I was told 2 and a half years ago and they were very close friends. Well, they still are very close friends. And after reading the information on the website I feel like all of my 'jealousy' that I always felt and continue to feel is explained. I have found myself looking through his phone to see how often he talks to her, I know it's at least several times a week because they claim to be "best friends" and she also works part time one night a week where he works. I don't think she is a bad person and she is in a committed relationship with someone also. I don't know how to confront this, I don't want to make him think I disrespect his friendships or ties to others, but I want to feel like the most important woman and partner in his life. I don't want to feel concerned that our private relationship will always be disclosed to her or that he values her opinions over mine because I know he has gone to her for advice on many things before. I am so lost and don't know how to deal with this. Please help.

Mar 7, 2009 5:13 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You're right to want to feel like the most important person in your boyfriend's life. This is a difficult dilemma - and I definitely don't have all the answers!

It's hard to know what to do when you're in the middle of a situation and you don't have an objective viewpoint. And, I can't be objective because I only know your perception of events. I'd suggest sitting down with a counselor or someone older than you who has lots of life experience and wisdom. You need to talk this through with someone who can help you see where things are being derailed in your relationship.

If your boyfriend is maintaining a friendship that bothers you (and I think if he really loves and respects you, he'd reconsider that friendship because it hurts you), then you need to decide how to live with it, or how to leave him. In healthy relationships, both partners work together to build each other up. They give each other trust, respect, forgiveness, and the benefit of the doubt.

I don't know if his friendship is overboard, or if you're extremely insecure. That's why an objective viewpoint is helpful.....you need someone to help you figure out what's going wrong! And then you need to take care of it.

Good luck -- and do let me know how it goes. Sorry I don't have all the answers....

Laurie

Mar 13, 2009 12:42 PM

Guest :

My wife started going to the local gym and met a man whom I guess she started to like talking to. She would go every night at the same time and they would always talk while on the treadmill. She then started even going when both out kids were at a function one night a week and we could have some alone time. It still kills me that she would choose this man over me during that time would could spend alone. Then it appearently turned into talking on the telephone. They would call each other back and forth all day and talk for sometimes hours. Again this is still killing me. I found out about the relationship and she swore that she would quit talking to him because she loved me so much. That lasted about a week or so then I found out that she was talking to him again - just more secretively. She has now said that she won't do it anymore - again. How do I trust her and believe that she won't do it again??? We have two beautiful kids that I can't stand the thought of not having both mom and dad around for them but if she does it to me again I don't think I have another option. What do you think - will she do this again to me? I just feel dead inside. And what hurts even worse - she told me that it made her feel alive to talk to him. Now that is pain folks!

Mar 13, 2009 12:59 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I am sorry for you -- and you're right, it is very painful to hear that someone else makes your partner feel alive.

While I can't predict if she'll continue talking to him, I do suggest you and she figure out why she's looking for an emotional connection outside your marriage. Getting to the root of the problem is a much more effective way to stop the symptoms of the problem!

I don't know if the two of you can talk it through yourselves (without a counselor), but you need to calmly discuss what may be missing in your marriage, or what she needs that she's trying to get from someone else. If you can't get anywhere just discussing this together, I suggest seeing a couples counselor who can help you connect again.

As far as rebuilding trust....it takes time, and it is different for everybody. Some people find books about overcoming infidelity helpful, while others take workshops or couples retreats. The most important thing is that both individuals are committed to the relationship....and the way to figure that out is to learn what the root of the problem is.

I wish you all the best -- physical and emotional infidelity is hard on a marriage, but it CAN be overcome!

Laurie

Mar 13, 2009 1:00 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Mar 15, 2009 6:32 AM

Guest :

hi,
I just found out by coincidence that my boyfriend of 2.5 years, has been hitting on a girl at work for more than 3 years. He was sending her mails, staying at work a bit later to talk to her, and even copied pictures from facebook to his computer. Even before he started dating me, he checked with her again if she really didnt wanted to go out with him. The day I found out, I broke up with him. He's now saying that he is really sorry, and that he realizes that I am the one for him. But should I trust him again? or does he just want to be with me cause she doesnt want him?
What to do..

Mar 15, 2009 4:00 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

That's a tough question! Only you can decide if you can trust him again after emotional cheating....and nobody but him can say for sure what his motivations are (and sometimes people don't even know their own motivations!). It can be really difficult to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal -- you have to be totally committed to making it work.

Do you want to give him a second chance? Can you put the past behind you, and forgive and trust him? Or, will his attraction to her always bother you?

Trust your gut, my friend.

Mar 18, 2009 1:53 AM

Guest :

Well the way I look at it is, looking at a woman or man on TV ,even in person can get u in trouble.If u have a thought of doing something or dreaming of the other people besides your loved one u have. The problem is that everyone things of one time or another about a person. The question is do you act on them , then its cheating. If looking is then we all cheat one time or another and if you say you don't your lying.I believe in the good in most people to make the right decisions.

Mar 18, 2009 2:02 AM

Guest :

Mar 18, 2009 11:22 AM

Guest :

I've been dating someone who was involved with a married women for 4 years ... they broke up 10 years ago, she is the only women he's asked to marry (and yes she was married - so he was engaged to a married women) He led me believe they barely talk... just found out they were talking on a weekly basis and he was sharing details about our relationship to her... he told her 1st that he was falling in love with me months before he ever shared it with me and he said he did this out of spite (to her) ... Just last night he told me he doesn't want to make a commitment until the relationship is PERFECT. Well of course I threw in the towel becuase no relationship is ever perfect. He of course doesn't see any problem in sharing the intimate details of our relationship with this ex girlfriend (oh and I found a take of them fooling around that he still had around the house) Help!

Mar 22, 2009 12:19 PM

Guest :

I suspected my husband cheating on me and recently found e-mails from a girl he claim was his friend before we even met and I had no idea about. He talked about how he made a mistake of marrying me and the only reason was beause I reminded him of her. How stupid does this sound. He even sends her money without my knowledge and when I asked him about it, he apologized and told me the other girl was going through a tough time and he tried to make her feel better. I lost all trust for him since then and unfortunately for me I found out after I came back from visiting my family. It has been going on for a long time until he accidently left his e-mail open and I found everything they talked about. I am very hurt and everyday I try not to think about it but it is hard knowing the person you love is cheating emotionally with someone else. He promised he will not do that again but lately my gut feeling is telling me he has started chatting with her but I am not sure because he changed his password and everthing!!!
By worried girl!!!

Mar 27, 2009 5:38 PM

Guest :

i have been married for almost 6 years now and have 2 wonderful children. For the last year or more though my wife has been incredibly distant to me and for much of that time has been refusing to have sex with me. There just seems to be alot of built up anger in her that nothing i can do will make go away. Anyhow, ive been kind of suspicious of her for the last while, and she left her messenger open the one day... for some reason i still cant really explain i felt the intense urge to read the history between her and one of her guy friends. what i read shocked me. LOTS of sexual innuendo and stuff that i just couldnt believe. Naturally i confronted her with them, and she says its all just a running joke between them because his younger brother would always spy on his messages so they were giving him something to read. Personally im not ok with that, as the messages REALLY went overboard, and im finding it very hard to trust her. But at the same time, she's now VERY mad at me for reading any of her personal messages and is saying i completely violated her trust and broke her heart by doing so (and by accusing her of cheating based on what i read) --- my question is-- was i way out of line here? or was this definitely emotional cheating, and even if joking, was so far crossing the line it was not appropriate (as i said-- lots of talk about sex and stuff)
of course, lots more to the story but thats the very short version of it, and sad to say seems divorce in rearing its ugly head in the near future if things dont change quick :(

Mar 28, 2009 5:50 AM

Guest :

All though this is a very informative article, in believe this could create a form of hysteria... it does not say anything about legitimate male/female friendships... Not EVERY opposite sex friendship should be seen as "cheating"... I find it ridiculous and frankly rather sexist. Most woman have BEST friends (usually other woman)that they share EVERYTHING with and that is ok... But Gawd forbid a male and a female form the same type of bond. My best friend is a male, we msg each other probably twice a week or more (we are both married). Our families have met and spent time together, and we all get along great... both him and I were VERY concerned about our spouse feelings through out our friendship. And both understood how difficult it must be for them to understand the logistics of it... Male female friendships are not at all conventional and this article enforces the reasons that we are constantly concerned that people in general will mistake our relationship for something that it isn't. I truly value what we have with each other and am saddened that society in general thinks so Badly of it. I think it will be a wonderful day when Men and Women can be friends without the GLARING public eye and it Biases

Mar 28, 2009 12:29 PM

Guest :

My husband of 18 years was recently caught in a relationship online with a girl he went to school with. He asked for a divorce we fought and decided to stay together the next day I caught him with her. We are trying to work it out but he thinks I should be over it already. And even says I need medication because there is something wrong with me. He doesn't talk to her anymore but he does have other female friends and doesn't understand why I don't trust him. He says he was talking to her because i was not taking care of him.....ADVISE?

Mar 29, 2009 5:42 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

If you want to make your marriage work, you and your husband need to sit down with a counselor and figure out how to communicate in a healthy way. Saying "you need medication" isn't helpful, and just causes more arguing and pain!

Your relationship problems can't be solved unless the two of you are wiling to sit down together and work them out -- as a couple. He needs to recognize what emotional cheating is (it's more than just being friends with someone of the opposite sex), and you need to learn how to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthful way.

Can you consider couples counseling? There are other ways to rebuild a health marriage: workshops, books, retreats -- but you need to do those things together. If you're doing all the work, and he's not committed to making your marriage work, then it's not a healthy, dynamic relationship.

I wish you all the best -- marriage can be hard even at the best of times! I hope your husband is willing to focus on you and your relationship.

Take care,
Laurie

Apr 14, 2009 10:14 AM

Guest :

so what is wrong with beings friends w/female classmates, strictly platonic!!!!! just because you go to school w/them & @ least your being perfectly honest w/your wife!!!!

Apr 14, 2009 12:12 PM

Guest :

Hello, this article and the comments makes one believe they are not alone. I found this site about 3 days after I found out my wife was talking secretly to a ex boyfriend. We have been married for almost 20 years and have beatiful children. This all started with her seeking out a ex boyfriend on facebook. They reconnected and escalated to talking on the phone all the time behind my back. This went on for 2 months with her leaving the room multiple times. I never checked on her before but after I caught her on the phone after midnight instead of being in bed with me. At first she lied and made me feel like I was the bad guy for checking on her. I went to bed and woke up with a desire that something didn't add up. I checked again and figured out all where lies. It took 3 days after and I almost leaving until I heard what was the truth. I am still not sure if all is truely on the table but I couldn't continue to press any more. She says she only loves me and doesn't understand why she was so wrapped up in his life and talked with him more than me for those 2 months. She explained she didn't want to hurt me that is why she kept it a secret. This all lead to me thinking the worst. I believe this was an emotional affair.
I have his # and know who he is. I also forwarded multiple text messages to my phone that I thought were between 2 people dating more than friends. It still hurts and I haven't forgiven her yet because I am not ready but I am close. My wife and I have reconnected over the past 4 weeks like we haven't in years. It has been really nice and has made things easier.
I do throw a few zingers at her occasionally. I am trying to control myself but it is hard not to throw things back in her face and I know I can't do this anymore. She is working on us and I am doing the same but it still hurts.
I did forbid her to talk with him anymore and showed her this article and others I found. I don't want to be like that and explained It feels wrong to say "I forbid you" but in this case it is necessary.
On day one she called him and told him all contact needed to stop. Things have been quiet for a month and he recently contacted her through her work email. She told me he only had her home email and cell(another lie or she just forgot?). But she did come to me and told me he contacted her again and hasn't responded. I want to respond to him together.
I want to take it one step further and call him. Not to be mean but to let him know I am commited to her and she to me. Please lose the number and email and have a good life. My question is should I call him? My wife does not want me to talk with him. And why doesn't she?

Apr 24, 2009 4:51 AM

Guest :

Please help, Laurie 7 all!
After reading all the posts, I still have to ask what's the best thing for me do with my situation....I'm in a relationship with this guy for 11 yrs. now and ever since we met, he was already part of this msg. board where he posts as this character when he has free time at work and at home. I work graveyard and he works days and we see each other on the same days off that we have. He said that it's all an act when he types and use the internet.(they think he's funny and popular esp. to women). I know what his email password is, until recently there's this girl who sent him her picture and started to open up to him about her life since they are buds. I saw pix and read all about her but I didn't tell him that I knew about it. I was just giving him a hint that if he has secrets just let me know. He mentioned other characters on the boards that he said he rec'd email from but not this particular one. He even took out these emails that they were chatting about and the last thing he told her was to send to another email addy if ever she has to email him again. Is this something that will end up as an emotional cheating? He wants to hear from me who is this that i'm accusing him of internet affair, should i tell him what i've known? or wait until he admits? He tells me that I'm jealous of nothing after all these years it's all an act. Thanks and please help! I'll appreciate all ur comments.

Apr 28, 2009 6:47 AM

Guest :

i have been on both sides...the one involved in an emotional affair, and the one dealing with an emotional affair. neither are fun. my dealing with an emotional affair, which i completely believe was physical too...resulted in my becoming emotionally involved with others outside of my relationship. the truth be known...it reallys isn't a true relationship. committments involve individuals who respect one another...when one disrespects the other so blatently, even after it is pointed out...and ignored...eventually the other begins to disrespect the relationship too. i felt guilty in the beginning...but i don't now. there is some sort of clarity that comes with that realization. why do i remain? probably for the same reason they do...the alternative is not any better, comfort, children involved. all just excuses, yes...but i do know that someday i will be able to walk away and never even glance back over my shoulder. it may be wrong to have this kind of affair...but in an effort to maintain some sort of sanity...i seriously think it is more wrong to trust someone who has done nothing but proven it isn't deserved. i enjoyed the article...but just wanted to give my opinion. it isn't for everyone...but for some...like me...is a life preserver.

Apr 28, 2009 10:10 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm not sure what "just an act" means! He's just pretending to be interested in these women? That's not reassuring. He's leading people on for fun. Yes, that's emotional cheating - and it's cruel, too.

The bottom line: do you trust him? If not, then you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, with someone who disregards your feelings about his associations with other women.

Is that something you want?

Apr 30, 2009 7:41 AM

Guest :

Hi Laurie,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, my boyfriend proposed me just one week before I met this man, I said yes reluctantly when he asked me. I always was not certain if he is the one. I tried to break up with him a few times (less than a week each time) and got back together and here we are 5 years of long term relationship.
Anyway I met this guy who I feel so connected to while I went abroad for work trip, he is literally my colleugue who lives in other country. It felt so right we flirted a couple of days when we first met then just the last few days before we finished the conference, I invited him to my room for a chat (I never cheat on my boyfriend ever before). Anyway we ended up having a cozy foreplay, almost having sex but we did not. Later on I found so many things wrong about the new man, he is very emotional and we had many arguments on little silly things.
Now I am back at home facing the realiaty, I am still fighting hard with my complex feeling, I dont want to tell my boyfriend of what happened but I have this guilt in me that would never go away and it hurts, and I am not sure if I want to marry my boyfriend or not since I was brave to cheat on him.
Please help.
Mola

May 1, 2009 10:53 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Maybe you should put your engagement and wedding on hold for a few months, or even a year, while you settle your feelings. If you keep forging ahead without being certain that you don't want to marry this man, then you'll end up doing alot of damage to both yourself and him!

I'd suggest you share your fears and doubts with your boyfriend. Many people have insecurities about getting married -- and if you can't talk about your worries and anxieties with your partner, then you may not be with the right person.

Putting your wedding on hold for a few month gives you time to talk it through with him, and figure out if getting married is the best step for you.

Let me know how it goes...and best wishes! By the way, it's better to have doubts now than after you have kids and a life together...

May 2, 2009 11:29 AM

Guest :

I'm the Guest of April 24th.

Thanks, I know you've asked me if this is the relationship that I want? Not really but I still haven't made a decision. Lately, I've been hiding from him about me being in debt and not able to pay due to gambling, should I still tell him that when he's still not admitting to me about that e-mail and pix that he received from this woman poster on the msg. board which I gave him a hint already that I know about it when I read it from his email and asked him why is he protecting information from someone that he doesn't really know and if he thinks he's special when she opened up to him and now they're always chatting. He would tell me that this person lives long distance and it's not likely that they will meet each other just like that! As far as my case, I've been honest to him over 10yrs. of our relationship, we have our ups and downs, except for just for 3yrs now I'm hiding this issue with me which I've hidden not just from him but from everyone. Please help! Thanks!

May 16, 2009 10:51 AM

oatmeal321 :

Gee. It feels so good to have another friend that you can be mentally stimulated with. I love the man I married and I love my friendship with my business partner. Just wanting to make sure this feeling of "excitement" will settle and become healthy and balanced. I've Been looking for a business partner for years, finally found one.. I'm estatic but now wondering if my enthusiasm is mixed with "emotional affair". Such a drag.

May 22, 2009 7:07 AM

Guest :

my husband and I started off as an affair. We have been together for over 10yrs and have a son. Four years into our marriage he had a friend he confided in and bought her some jewelry. I confronted and to this day cant admit he had an emotional affair. This tore me apart and I tried moving on but the trust just wasn't there. I went back to work 3 months after giving birth to our son. A co-worker started flirting and sparked a good feeling inside of me. I recipocated and we started an affair. My husband in turn joined an internet dating site and started chatting. He became close to someone and they were planning a trip to the east coast. Before finalizing their trip, he found out of my affair and confronted me. I broke off my affair and openly discussed it with him and answered any questions he had. My husband has not given me the same consideration. I said I would like to discuss his situation. He is very reluctant and he continues to lie. I caught him a a lie when he said he no longer goes on those sites. I checked the computer and found he was still logged on. I have given him many opportunties to come clean but he continues to lie. I don't know how to move on. Why does he continue to lie when I have told him I am here and I will not get upset but if I find out later that he lied again-then I will be very upest.

May 26, 2009 12:18 AM

Guest :

I’m not sure if I’m a culprit in this stuff. But about late last year, I met this guy at a place we both hung out at. At first we only contacted one another sparsely just to say hello and catch up. Though later on we kind of bonded and now I talk to him nearly everyday and sometimes all day through email, text, or phone. He’s married with a stepchild…and the thing is, there isn’t any real flirting. No sex talk, nothing like that.

He’ll tell me when things are good with his wife and when they’re not..and either way I’ll try and give him the best advice I can to remedy the situation. I don’t sense that he likes me in that way, I think he (we) both like having someone to confide in that is removed from our everyday lives. He’ll text or call me randomly and ask what I’m doing..etc. I really don’t know.

Jun 8, 2009 8:59 PM

Guest :

i'm definitely guilty of this, i have been emotionally attached to a married co-worker for 3 years. We have been intimate twice but, it nothing like the emotional bond we share. I've tried to step back a couple of times but each time we find ourselves back where we started. i've even changed jobs and he did also.

Jun 14, 2009 1:17 AM

Guest :

had a boyfriend which i was friends with for 7 years.we were in and out of each others lives then one day he called me out of the blue to say happy birthday.we began seeing each other until it became more and more frequent.he kept asking me to be his girlfriend but i'd declined ,something didn't feel right and he was supposed to be moving out of state.long story short we ended up be very serious and i totally fell in love with him,he was my world,i'd do just bout anything for him.til one day he gave me a password for a certain acct.I decided to try that same password for his email and it worked.i found emails from him and his ex-gf early in our relationship,we weren't nearly as serious then but he made tons of lies and even told he wasn't seeing anyone &that he was too busy;all the while asking me to be with him&that he loved me.i believe in my heart to a degree he loved/loves me.But i know i deserve more than to have to sift threw what is/was true and what isn't.I can't stick around to see if he'll change.I love him dearly and it's so hard to stay away but i have to value myself &i owe it to myself.if i don't value myself nobody else will and thats all i can tell myself.I want so badly to just be w/him but can't bring myself to look into his eyes like i once did.To think of him down right bold face lying to me sickens me,but i still love him.but owe it to myself to distance myself,don't know if he'll change,i hope he does,but hope isn't enough.

Jun 16, 2009 3:13 AM

Guest :

I used to like a guy about ten years ago. but at that time, he was not willing to marry me.I moved to a different city for job and had a casual affair with an office mate.He was not ready for marriage. but I had an ectopic pregnancy,which somehow forced me to marry him.Now i have two kids. about a month ago, I contacted my ex-BF. He is also now married and staying in another city. We chat on phone, e-mails, messages.i cannot stop myself from conatcting him. but the past one month has been tumultous, I am unable to figure out what to do.Please help me.

Jun 16, 2009 6:31 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Putting all your energy into your family is the best long-term solution -- and perhaps the most difficult, least selfish one. Sure, staying in touch with your ex-boyfriend is exciting and compelling for the short-term -- but it won't create a good life for your kids or husband!

You're living a different life now, and your ex is from a chapter in your past. You CAN stop yourself from contacting him (because you are cheating emotionally on your family) -- and you might need to put some systems in place to help you stay away from him. For instance, tell your best friend, husband, or someone you trust about your ex. Ask your friend if you can phone her instead of your ex when you're tempted. I don't know your husband or your relationship, but it might be good to talk to him about it -- I don't know enough to give you advice, though. I'm just offering possible suggestions.

Another thing to look into is possible post-partum depression. If you recently had children, you may be dealing with hormones and mood swings that have little to do with your ex, and more to do with your changing body. Talk to your doctor, or a post-partum support group. Talk to your friends who've had babies, and who might understand.

Don't struggle through this alone. Focus on loving your family, and get support to help you through!

I wish you all the best, and hope you come back and let me know how you are.

Laurie

Jun 17, 2009 6:27 PM

Guest :

Im a little confused as to whether my girlfriend is possibly emotionally cheating or maybe just being a little inconsiderate. She has lots of conversations with guys (mostly through facebook). She does talk to girls in messages, but not nearly as much as with guys. About six months ago I discovered a really long message that she had a few months earlier with some guy she never met. They went into great detail about personal problems and also sexual stuff that the guy had or hadnt experienced. I got extremely upset and we fought about it for a while. She tried to rationalize it by saying that i had access to her account the entire time (which i did but at the time she was talking to him the relationship was still a little too early to be logging onto her facebook the time. Recently, shes been talking more and more with several guys, one of them i have never met. Although most of the conversations seem benign, some I think may be a little innappriopriate. She listens to this one guy (who happens to be friendly acquaintance/friend) about all his personal relationship problem. Although i do have access to the account and i can read most of the messages she has with other guys it still kind of hurts that she has so many personal conversations with other guys. I dont have that kind of support system. Plus she is the jealous type, as am i to a certain extent, and she practically gets upset when i talk in depth with another girl. If i did the same thing she is doing with guys she would be hysterical. Needless to say I feel this is unfair and i have mentioned it several times to her. This almost always starts a fight. She claims that she has always liked guys more than girls, as her relationship with girls hasnt been as good (supposedly, although she does have girlfriends). On the other hand she says I have never had close friendships with girls (which is somewhat true but not completely) and that it would be wierd if i started now. Should i even be jealous about this or feel betrayed in any way, or am i overreacting? I do really love her and i know she loves me but sometimes i feel like she doesnt see how much her actions can make me feel undermined. If someone could reply that would be great. Thanks a lot.

Jun 18, 2009 9:18 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

There are several things happening here:

1) Yes, she is emotionally cheating because she's discussing personal, private issues with other men. When you're in a relationship, you need to abide by certain boundaries -- and one of them is saving the heart to hearts for your partner. I don't mean you can't have great, deep, interesting conversations with others....but talking for lengthy amounts about intimate relationships and other personal stuff is pushing boundaries.

I do understand your confusion: she's not hiding it, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, and for some reason she needs to do it. That's definitely something worth exploring: why does she need to make emotional connections with others? Maybe she should be a counselor. Seriously, if she really wants to help others deal with their issues or problems, then maybe she should think about it as a profession.

2) There's a double standard in your relationship, which isn't fair to you.

3) If you're uncomfortable with what she's doing but she refuses to stop, then you're not in a strong, committed relationship -- whether or not you love each other. It doesn't matter if the issue is emotional cheating or being a workaholic. If one partner refuses to meet the other partner halfway regarding concerns or requests, then it's not a real, mature love.

I think the bottom line is that you need to decide if you can live with your relationship the way it is, or if you want it to change. If you want it to change but are powerless to do anything (you can't force her to change, as you know. You sound like an extremely reasonable, smart man) -- then you need to let her go. Or, you lower your expectations.

Keep in mind that as much as she insists that nothing's going on, you don't necessarily know what her guy pals are feeling or thinking. For both men and women, opening up your heart to someone else, even if they're taken, can lead to other feelings. Other feelings can lead to suggestions or actions. It just opens people up to all sorts of possible problems.

I hope this helps a little! Sorry I don't have anything happier to say :-) Good luck, and be well.

Laurie

Jun 18, 2009 9:32 AM

Guest :

I have learned that my wife of 10 years has been having an emotional affair for the past two months. She accidentally left her facebook page open when I saw an IM from one of our friends that it had been days since their last kiss. When I questioned her about this she, of course denied all of this. Red flags immediately went up. I have never checked on her in the past 10 years but I looked up her cell phone bill only to notice that she had talked with this “friend” over 100 times in the past two months. Their calls to each other were only Monday thru Friday while I was at work. When I questioned her about this she confessed that he had feelings/attractions toward her and they had shared a drunken kiss at a party. She claims she told him she was happily married and there would never be anything between them. After I learned this I asked her to stop all communications with this “friend” and she said she would. She now knows that I looked at her cell phone record so after a week the friend starts calling our house. My wife was probably calling him too but I can’t verify that. She was erasing all caller id’s from him on the phone but she forgot to erase the caller ID from our phone in the basement. That is how I know he had been calling. When I questioned her again, she once again claims that she’s not having an affair, loves only me and all communications with the “friend” would stop. After another week, I found where she had e-mailed him and in the e-mail she forgot to erase told him she would call the next day. When I asked her if she called him that day she once again admitted that they talked but they were only “friends” and she only loves me. I don’t think she realizes that what she is doing is wrong. How do I tell her that she is guilty of an emotional affair? I love her but how many more chances do I give her?

Jun 18, 2009 10:16 AM

Guest :

My friends daughter fixed me up with one of her guy friends shes' been friends with since 7th grade. He is 32 and i'm 42. well we hit it off and have been seeing each other for 3 mos now. I've been feeling really insecure though because they talk or text almost daily and i found out that he is flying 1500 miles to drive back with her...she took a temporary job out of state. While i don't talk often to her, her mom is my best friend and we talk every day. She annoys me sometimes and talks about how he calls her "all the time" and all i know to say is yes he is a nice guy. I am not sure how to proceed...i like him a lot but feel like i'm in someones shadow.... is there any advice? Isn't driving her back 1500 miles going over the friendship boundaries? Or am i just being to jealous?

Jun 18, 2009 12:13 PM

Guest :

Thanks a lot Laurie. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. For one, my girlfriend wants to becoming a psychiatrist or psychologist based upon her own family background (she grew up with a cousin who is sociopathic and mildly schizophrenic). She really is a good listener which is why people come to her. We actually just had a discussion today and last night about this. It did kind of turn into an argument at several points but we did lay down some foundations. She is upset that I didn't mention this several months ago when she first started contacting my friend about his personal problems. She claims that she can stop discussing matters pertaining to her life, but she cannot simply ask the man to stop messaging her on facebook about his personal problems as she's also a good friend of hers. I have no problem with my girlfriend occasionally discussing a guy's personal problems with him, as long as I have access to the message. On the otherhand, the fact that this guy messages her almost everyday kind of bothers me. I told her this, and she said it would be difficult to stop she doesn't want to abandon someone. Should I possibly message the guy/friend and tell him my concerns, or should I just meet my girlfriend halfway and accept that she helps others with personal issues. Im worried that I would just upset or embarass my girlfriend if I messaged him

Jun 19, 2009 1:16 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I definitely wouldn't message him, unless your girlfriend specifically asks you to get involved. If you do approach him, she'll find out, and she'll be angry (rightfully so). This is her friendship, and she needs to take care of it.

Remember how upset she was that you didn't tell her how you felt about the friendship? Well, I suspect she'd be twice that upset if you contact him.

Once she gets involved in a counseling or psychotherapy career, the last thing she'll want to do is hear personal problems outside of work! :-) I don't know how long in the future that is.....but right now, the best thing would be for you two to meet halfway, so you're both feeling loved, respected, and honored.

It IS such a fine line: emotional infidelity versus helping others. Your girlfriend will have to learn when she's "abandoning someone", versus taking care of her own life and relationships. Sometimes people shoulder too much of other people's burdens -- and it's not healthy for anyone.

I'm glad to hear that she's open to making some changes -- and I wish you the best of luck!

Laurie

Jun 20, 2009 10:43 AM

Guest :

Going thru years of physical abuse at the hands of my husband,..I thought we had worked through that but instead of not hitting me anymore he was spending many,many hours on the computer. When he was away on a military tour was when I discovered that he had been writing to a group of women,...a novel writing group,..but they way he would update them on his situation and making it sound to them that he missed me and our children,..he even told them that he preferred talking to the children over the chat because when he's home they're out playing with their friend. THat is all lies. WHile on his tour he chatted with the girls I believe was 2 times and for about 5 minutes. Maybe 10 minutes total but he makes it seem to these other women online that he was chatting with them like regularily. He was also telling this group that he misses me,....but at the same time,..as I discovered a month after his tour was done was that he was actually had been emailing and chatting with another woman he had known from highschool while he was oversees. He apologized and said he was a jerk last year etc. and stopped contact (apparently) with this other woman. He has still 2 email accoutns that he has changed the passwords to and I cannot access them. He's been away for about a month (military) and I am so angry with him. The memories of these letters that I had found with his highschool girlfriend from last fall still pop up in my thoughts as I did photocopy them adn took them to a lawyer so I look at them periodically. To think that we were here worrried about him being there (Afghanistan) and he wasn't really thinking about me at all still really HURTS me. Knowing now that he has been communicating with a novel writing group for about 4 years now and the group consists of about 5 women and my husband with most of his emails directed to Lisa and landies. IT's always this Lisa. For a coupla years or so he's been reviewing her writing and commenting on it and she viewed one of his writing for comments. I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA of this group that he was a part of. Bottom line is is that all these things make a knot in my stomack and should I trust him any longer? Something really died in our relationship when I found these letters from this other woman from last fall and just finding out about this other online writing group he's a member of that this woman LIsa had suggested he join about 4 years ago.
What should I do?

Jun 20, 2009 11:53 AM

Guest :

After reading many of the comments below, I can definitely see now that my wife has and still is emotionally cheating on me. We have had some problems over the last couple of years as we both have not truly been there for one another. I was working very hard to get her everything she asked me for. I hated working so hard but I didn't want to deny her anything.

Since December 2008 my wife has been talking to an old neighborhood friend of hers when she was growing up. I was aware that she was talking to him and thought nothing of it, as I completed trusted her. Then one night we went out and my wife had a few drinks. On the way home she was calling him and complaining that he should take 30 minutes for her (the guy lives 800 miles away from us). I got suspicious and looked at her cell phone. I found that she had asked him to have phone sex and was setting up a meeting with him on a day she was telling me she was going out with friends.

This was horrible too me. I am not a man who typically drinks; however, I can tell you I was very drunk that night and had a childhood friend of mine pick me up so that I could cool off.

She has since appologized for the incident, which I have accepted (not easy); however, she still calls and talks to him and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. It is not just that she talks to him but that she calls him handsome, sweets and other endearing terms. On top of this she has said that she wished she could be there for him. She texts and talks to him multiple times every day. I have tried to talk to her about it and we have even been seeing a marriage counselor but she still doesn't understand that what she is doing is wrong and that it causes me unending pain and hurt.

It has come to a head recently when I had to tell her that I was thinking of leaving for a while. If this continues I will need to leave to keep my sanity. I don't want to leave but I am too hurt that she cannot give up this other guy even though she continues to say that she loves me. To me talk is cheap and her actions speak louder than any words she can say to me at this point.

The last time we saw the marriage counselor this topic came up and my wife was annoyed that the counselor would say that what she was doing was hurtful to me.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I just know that I am depressed most of the time and hurting terribly.

Jun 27, 2009 10:09 PM

Guest :

I've been married for a year now. My husband and I got married early in our relationship. He says he's in love with me, but i just love him. Recently the person I had fallen in love with before him, my ex fiancee, came back into my life after 2yrs and he confessed that he still loved me. We've been contacting each other through email and now through text. I enjoy talking to him and sometimes I just wish I could be with him. I'm afraid of hurting my husband since he's the one who has been there for me more, he cares for me, my parents adore him..
Now I'm just confused as to who I want to be with. I love my husband but I'm still in love with my ex fiancee and I don't know what to do.