Emotional cheating can damage a relationship more than a one night stand. Here's how to fix the consequences of an emotional affair & prevent it from happening again.
Emotional infidelity ranges from "innocent" meetings around the office water cooler to talking until 2 a.m. in a lounge or computer chatroom. Emotional cheating is about sharing deep thoughts and feelings with someone other than your partner – and about keeping emotional secrets. You can be in the same room as your spouse and have an emotional affair with someone else!
The Threat of Emotional Infidelity
In the April 2007 issue of Chatelaine, psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman shared his expertise regarding emotional cheating. He states, "It's easier for a couple to get over a one night stand than an emotional affair." This is because a one night stand is meaningless and doesn't involve true feelings or personal thoughts. An emotional affair, on the other hand, occurs when deep connections are forged. It's more loving and connected than the physical act of sex.
"Most women prefer emotional contact above all, so if their partner is having emotional contact with someone else, it can feel very threatening," says Neuman. Emotional affairs are one form of emotional contact.
Even though emotional cheating damages relationships, "often a betrayal can lead to better communication," he says. If you face two difficult questions and are honest with yourself and your partner, you can strengthen your relationship and move past the emotional affair.
Two simple questions that expose hard truths about emotional infidelity:
If you're involved in an emotional affair, ask yourself two questions.
- Why did I seek this out?
- What's missing in my relationship?
Sharing your answers or listening to your partner's reasons for emotional infidelity can take your relationship to a new level. After you're honest, you may break through to better communication and a healthier relationship - no matter how serious the emotional cheating seemed to be.
When you have a healthy relationship, you:
- Share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions honestly.
- Listen to each other's thoughts, feelings, and opinions without judgment.
- Say "I love you" in many different ways.
- Balance privacy with intimacy.
- Don't put anyone else above your partner (eliminate emotional infidelity).
- Support each other's hobbies and interests.
- Feel secure, and strive to make your partner feel secure as well.
- Aren't verbally or physically violent.
- Show love even when you don't feel it.
- Are interested in your partner's work, activities, health, family, etc.
- Trust your partner - and don't feel the threat of physical emotional infidelity.
- Argue without fear, bitterness, inappropriate anger, or manipulation.
- Resolve conflicts – compromise satisfactorily.
- Enjoy a healthy sex life.
- Like being together.
- Aren't worried about hiding your e-mails, letters, or phone calls.
- Aren't forced to share every e-mail, letter, or phone call!
- Encourage other friendships (except emotional affairs of course!).
- Enjoy more good times than bad.
Healthy relationships never involve:
- Emotional cheating, especially consistently.
- Manipulation or mind games.
- Possession and jealousy.
- The "silent treatment."
- Fear, bitterness, or chronic anger.
- Criticism and judgment - especially over past emotional affairs.
- Control over appearance, time, or behavior.
- Ridicule or name-calling.
- Isolation from other friends and family.
- Violence or abuse.
- Passively toleration of emotional infidelity.
Emotional affairs are difficult to overcome, but your relationship will be stronger once you get past the infidelity and back into a strong healthy relationship.
If you found Emotional Affairs: Identifying Emotional Infidelity helpful, you may also like:
- Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair
- Marriage Counselor Gary Neuman Explains Emotional Cheating in Marriage
- After You've Betrayed Your Spouse
- Fear of Intimacy
- The Three Stages of Love
The copyright of the article Emotional Affairs in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Emotional Affairs in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Aug 27, 2007 3:54 PM
shauna wiskirchen :
sharing your feelings is almost like your cheating!!
Aug 28, 2007 7:50 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It could also depend on if you can share your feelings with your partner.
If you totally hold back from your partner and spill your guts to friends
(especially ones you're attracted to, who you have chemistry with), then
it's emotional infidelity.
-
But is it cheating if you share your feelings with both your partner and your friends?
-
But is it cheating if you share your feelings with both your partner and your friends?
Nov 18, 2008 7:56 PM
Guest
:
My husband recently got caught having an emotional affair. This woman
happends to work at the same place he does. He said he told her that the
flirting and common talk could no longer happen anymore. Should I still be
worried about him being pulled in her direction? They don't work together
in the same department all the time but they do work side by side every now
and then. And how do I over come my feelings of anger and sadnees over
this?... Thank you for listening...softy
Nov 19, 2008 5:50 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It's definitely easiest to get over an emotional affair when there's no
contact at all anymore between the two people! But, if you want your
marriage to work, then you have to trust your husband. You can't ask him to
quit his job, or get her fired (though wouldn't that be nice? :-) ).
Your feelings of anger and sadness may never go away completely. Expressing them is important - and this doesn't just mean talking about them (though that's really good to do!). Expressing feelings includes writing, painting, exercising, meditating, pursuing your hobbies -- there's only so much talking you can do, and talking doesn't always make negative feelings go away.....so I think it's important to express yourself in other ways. See a counselor if necessary.
Finding ways to put the past behind you and move on is really important - but exactly how you do that is different for everyone!
Your feelings of anger and sadness may never go away completely. Expressing them is important - and this doesn't just mean talking about them (though that's really good to do!). Expressing feelings includes writing, painting, exercising, meditating, pursuing your hobbies -- there's only so much talking you can do, and talking doesn't always make negative feelings go away.....so I think it's important to express yourself in other ways. See a counselor if necessary.
Finding ways to put the past behind you and move on is really important - but exactly how you do that is different for everyone!
Nov 24, 2008 10:45 PM
Guest
:
I don't know what is emotional affairs till it involved me (as a victim). I
recently discovered that my spouse was actually involved in one. He told me
he had hard time hiding it from me but feeling relieved that I found out
about it.
I was heartbroken and cried non stop. It's something that I never expect will happen to us. I've never felt so hurt before. I wasn't sure what I'm supposed to do at first and has later decided to confront him because keeping it to myself & pretending that I didn't know about it seems impossible. It's clearly shown on my face that I was totally upset about it.
He finally admitted but assured me that they have already ended some time ago knowing that it'll lead to no where (the woman is an ex colleague and married! and is now expecting first child). Apparently both found comfort from each other being able to talk about anything at all. I also found out there're kissing and hugging but he assured me no sex is involved.
Somehow, we spent the whole day crying and talked it through and we realised there're things that we have taken for granted in our marriage - both of us have our own faults that we're guilty of (just that for him he has ended up in an affair). We have decided to give ourselves a new beginning and we felt like we've fallen in love all over again.
He said I've handled it well. But sometimes, I wonder if I've actually really done the right thing? Am I really that forgiving? Sure thing the heartache will not be forgotten just like that. I've trusted him all this while and it's a pity that the trust has broken (I wonder if I'll have problem trusting him again).
All these happened quite recently and I'm wondering if we've actually survived it? or will there be a come back? But at least after reading this article, I feel better and felt like I've done the right thing (have I?). What do you think? I'm hoping for the best for us of course, as I truly love him a lot. He expressed that his love for me has became stronger after we've gone through this whole thing (I hope he mean it or could it be just a way to redeem himself for all the wrongs he did?).
Or could this be a blessing in disguise? ie. if this didn't happen, we wouldn't have realised what we've missed out in our life and correcting it now?
Would appreciate your view.
Linda
I was heartbroken and cried non stop. It's something that I never expect will happen to us. I've never felt so hurt before. I wasn't sure what I'm supposed to do at first and has later decided to confront him because keeping it to myself & pretending that I didn't know about it seems impossible. It's clearly shown on my face that I was totally upset about it.
He finally admitted but assured me that they have already ended some time ago knowing that it'll lead to no where (the woman is an ex colleague and married! and is now expecting first child). Apparently both found comfort from each other being able to talk about anything at all. I also found out there're kissing and hugging but he assured me no sex is involved.
Somehow, we spent the whole day crying and talked it through and we realised there're things that we have taken for granted in our marriage - both of us have our own faults that we're guilty of (just that for him he has ended up in an affair). We have decided to give ourselves a new beginning and we felt like we've fallen in love all over again.
He said I've handled it well. But sometimes, I wonder if I've actually really done the right thing? Am I really that forgiving? Sure thing the heartache will not be forgotten just like that. I've trusted him all this while and it's a pity that the trust has broken (I wonder if I'll have problem trusting him again).
All these happened quite recently and I'm wondering if we've actually survived it? or will there be a come back? But at least after reading this article, I feel better and felt like I've done the right thing (have I?). What do you think? I'm hoping for the best for us of course, as I truly love him a lot. He expressed that his love for me has became stronger after we've gone through this whole thing (I hope he mean it or could it be just a way to redeem himself for all the wrongs he did?).
Or could this be a blessing in disguise? ie. if this didn't happen, we wouldn't have realised what we've missed out in our life and correcting it now?
Would appreciate your view.
Linda
Nov 26, 2008 5:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
It sounds like you're on the road to a stronger, healthier marriage! Don't
anticipate that this isn't really over - that the problems will resurface -
because you can actually cause things to go downhill if you focus on it.
Instead, enjoy the view. You and your hubby reached a crisis point in your marriage, solved it together, and are closer than ever. Hold on to that!
Feel free to drop in, let us know how it's going :-)
Take care,
Laurie
Instead, enjoy the view. You and your hubby reached a crisis point in your marriage, solved it together, and are closer than ever. Hold on to that!
Feel free to drop in, let us know how it's going :-)
Take care,
Laurie
Dec 7, 2008 11:29 PM
Guest
:
This emotional affair nonsense is in some circumstances tripe. We are human
beings and we have meaningful relationships with many people in this world
including friends, siblings, work associates, clergy and other leadership
figures. I do not have an affair opening up to a close friend. When there
is genuine abuse in the relationship, my partner has abrogated their
ownership of participation in that relationship.
I feel that too many people are playing politically correct on this matter and that it needs treatment and discussion that gives fair measurement of the deep complexities involved.
I feel that too many people are playing politically correct on this matter and that it needs treatment and discussion that gives fair measurement of the deep complexities involved.
Dec 19, 2008 7:23 PM
Guest
:
I recently started to get a bad vibe from the relationship between my
spouse and another man. They serve together on the board of our children's
school and have to work on a number of projects together. I read my wife's
email and discovered he was referring to their meetings as "play
dates", sent her emails telling her he was worried about her when she
drove the long distance to her mother's house, said he could "sleep
better" knowing she was safe, ended his latest personal email with
"thinking of you", and sends her emails telling her details of
his likes, dislikes, and other personal information.
When I confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on, that they were just friends, and that he was her first friend outside our marriage she had made in years. She says she's concerned about me and, over the past few weeks, has told me that I'm too stressed and not to worry. But, the emails from him continue.
Should I be worried? Is she moving into an emotional affair without realizing it?
When I confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on, that they were just friends, and that he was her first friend outside our marriage she had made in years. She says she's concerned about me and, over the past few weeks, has told me that I'm too stressed and not to worry. But, the emails from him continue.
Should I be worried? Is she moving into an emotional affair without realizing it?
Dec 20, 2008 8:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
From a distance, it's hard to say if this friendship will turn into an
emotional affair -- or if it's already begun. But, if you feel
uncomfortable with this relationship, you do need to be honest. What are
your fears or concerns about this friendship? Be honest with yourself, and
express your fears and concerns to your wife.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Best wishes,
Laurie
Dec 28, 2008 1:06 PM
Guest
:
i caught my wife out late from work one night and looked on her phone to
find a co worker had been calling her she told me he had been calling for
about a month and that she had started flirting with him at work. she had
lied to me to buy time that night i know she was with him but she denys it
how do you know if it is emotional or physical relationship? she says no
touching they just talked and she was getting from him what she wasnt
getting from me. confused
Dec 29, 2008 8:22 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
If I were you, I'd try asking your wife what she's getting from him that
she's not getting from you. That's the root of emotional affairs or
emotional infidelity: meeting needs that aren't fulfilled at home.
Ask your partner what they need from you. Try not to be offended or hurt -- but do try to meet their needs in specific ways. Only your partner can help you be a better partner.
Ask your partner what they need from you. Try not to be offended or hurt -- but do try to meet their needs in specific ways. Only your partner can help you be a better partner.
Jan 2, 2009 8:16 AM
Guest
:
I recently found out my husband was having an affair (for 2 yrs actually).
I looked through his phone and found txt from another female. She sent him
txt kisses and he back to her and I confronted him. I txt her and that's
how I found out they had been together 2 years and I told her we were
married 10 and she was surprised she told me he told her that we were
divorced; found out more from her than I did from him but when I confronted
him with what she told me he fessed up. He said they did not sleep
together and she confirmed that. They saw each other about once a week,
going to clubs on weekends (when I thought he was with his cousins) or
eating out for lunch during his lunch break. He tells me that this
relationship started because he was stressed out at work and she was
someone he could talk to. He said there was no true relationship but when
txt with her she seemed to think it was something although they did not see
each other much but he did pay a lot of attention to her; attention I told
him he could have given me and talked about issues that he should have been
talking to me about. I feel betrayed and want to work it out but not sure
how to proceed since he lived a sort of double life. He had friends that
knew about her but not me. His co-workers knew he was cheating on me and
his cousins. I feel like i was made a fool of and everyone knew but me. I
knew he was being distant and had a feeling he was cheating but I never had
proof; the only way I found out was because one night while he was txt her
he looked at me guiltily and the next morning was when I woke up early and
looked at his phone. It hurts and I can't stop thinking about all the times
he went out with her while I stayed home alone feeling lonely that we had
grown apart but still trusting him enough to think that he was with his
cousins. i knew he was stressed at work and thats why i really didn't
complain about his going out although I didn'tlike it and he knew that I
got upset when he left. I want to work it out but I can't get over all the
lies he had to keep up with and how easy it was for him to have this double
life.
Jan 4, 2009 1:50 PM
Guest
:
My relationship has ended with a man that I thought I would spend the rest
of my life with.We have know each other for 3 years and 1 year ago made
into a committed relationship/talking marriage. I usually give 100% trust
in every relationship. He left me last week because he said that I couldn't
trust him and wasn't going to stay with someone that didn't trust him.
About 4 months ago I found out that he was talking to a women that he met at work about 10 years ago and calls his friend(she is engaged to be married for the past 8 years to a man she lives with.She used to work with him but she got laid off. He was talking to her about 3 times a day/7 days a week. He also communicates through texts, emails, voicemails, etc.. He has always stated that this person was just a friend and that was it. When we were just friends, he shared many things about her with me and answered questions I asked(such as: if she wasn't engaged would you date her if she was available - he said yes; do you find her attractive - he said yes;).They would meet for lunch/dinner/ birthdays, etc. and never invited me to come along or tell me about them.He also was very secretive about talking with her and would never talk around me.I suggested that it would be great if I could meet her and somewhat agreed.When I first went to met her, they kissed on the lips and hugged,then he introduced me and her face went emotionless almost looking upset.She didnt talk to me the entire time but they continued to talk quitely as he sat between us.
It has been very difficult to be around this as the emotional value of the relationship is drain and the closeness is gone.I asked him to stop but it never did(I looked at the history of his cell phone because of what I was feeling and it was confirmed).He told me she was very upset when he said it had to stop.I tried to call her to discuss with her and she never called me back.We went to see someone and they suggested he stop and put closure with old girlfiends too(because he says they are all his friends). It still didn't stop.Everytime I found out about something(sometimes it would blind side me), I tried to discuss and he would throw in the trust issue so I just became silent.
It was getting hard to live silently and watching it happen.It is very hard to trust someone again after this and all the lies.We are talking but I am afraid to make this work. I love him and alot about him just not this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.
About 4 months ago I found out that he was talking to a women that he met at work about 10 years ago and calls his friend(she is engaged to be married for the past 8 years to a man she lives with.She used to work with him but she got laid off. He was talking to her about 3 times a day/7 days a week. He also communicates through texts, emails, voicemails, etc.. He has always stated that this person was just a friend and that was it. When we were just friends, he shared many things about her with me and answered questions I asked(such as: if she wasn't engaged would you date her if she was available - he said yes; do you find her attractive - he said yes;).They would meet for lunch/dinner/ birthdays, etc. and never invited me to come along or tell me about them.He also was very secretive about talking with her and would never talk around me.I suggested that it would be great if I could meet her and somewhat agreed.When I first went to met her, they kissed on the lips and hugged,then he introduced me and her face went emotionless almost looking upset.She didnt talk to me the entire time but they continued to talk quitely as he sat between us.
It has been very difficult to be around this as the emotional value of the relationship is drain and the closeness is gone.I asked him to stop but it never did(I looked at the history of his cell phone because of what I was feeling and it was confirmed).He told me she was very upset when he said it had to stop.I tried to call her to discuss with her and she never called me back.We went to see someone and they suggested he stop and put closure with old girlfiends too(because he says they are all his friends). It still didn't stop.Everytime I found out about something(sometimes it would blind side me), I tried to discuss and he would throw in the trust issue so I just became silent.
It was getting hard to live silently and watching it happen.It is very hard to trust someone again after this and all the lies.We are talking but I am afraid to make this work. I love him and alot about him just not this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.
Jan 5, 2009 7:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I wrote a whole reply, and it disappeared! What a pain.
Anyway, here's the gist of what I said: part of learning to trust a new man (and if you do end up getting back together with your ex, I'd suggest couples counseling to help you two build a healthy relationship) -- is developing a strong sense of yourself as a woman. Take a year off from dating and relationships, and focus on building your self-identity and getting healthy.
You should never live silently with stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable.
I'm a big fan of individual counseling, because I think that objective perspective can help you see things clearly. Once you're healthy in your own emotions and thoughts and behaviors, you'll find it easier to choose a healthy, committed partner -- who won't be attached to another woman (because I think your ex was emotionally cheating on you).
Don't let one man's mistakes (whether he admits them or not) affect whether you trust new men. Don't let him dictate your life like that -- there are thousands of great men out there who CAN be trusted. You just need to find yourself again.
Also, try reading Gary Neuman's books - look for them on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel - he wrote alot about emotional affairs and trust.
Does this make sense? Feel free to post another question or comment -- I can't give psychological advice, but I'm happy to offer my opinion!
My best,
Laurie
Anyway, here's the gist of what I said: part of learning to trust a new man (and if you do end up getting back together with your ex, I'd suggest couples counseling to help you two build a healthy relationship) -- is developing a strong sense of yourself as a woman. Take a year off from dating and relationships, and focus on building your self-identity and getting healthy.
You should never live silently with stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable.
I'm a big fan of individual counseling, because I think that objective perspective can help you see things clearly. Once you're healthy in your own emotions and thoughts and behaviors, you'll find it easier to choose a healthy, committed partner -- who won't be attached to another woman (because I think your ex was emotionally cheating on you).
Don't let one man's mistakes (whether he admits them or not) affect whether you trust new men. Don't let him dictate your life like that -- there are thousands of great men out there who CAN be trusted. You just need to find yourself again.
Also, try reading Gary Neuman's books - look for them on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel - he wrote alot about emotional affairs and trust.
Does this make sense? Feel free to post another question or comment -- I can't give psychological advice, but I'm happy to offer my opinion!
My best,
Laurie
Jan 5, 2009 1:02 PM
Guest
:
I just found out recently that my husband is having an emotional affair
with his boss. I noticed that he had been texting to her a lot when it was
not working hours. I also noticed that he would always delete those text
messages from her. One night after he was texting her all day while being
out shopping with me I decided to check his phone. This time around he
didn't delete the messages and I was able to read them. I was seeing
messages that he missed her, that he had made a CD for her, and that he
wished they could spend more time together. Let me tell you I had to go to
the bathroom because I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was hit with a
baseball bat in the stomach and that my heart had been ripped out of my
chest and stomped on.
I finally got the handle on things and confronted him. I told him I demanded to know what was going on. He told me that they kissed in Chicago on a business trip. He told me that they had been drinking and it happened. They had gotten close because both of them were having problems in their marriage and started talking about it. That is when I started crying because I felt like my self esteem just went through the floor. He told me that he never planned for this to get to where it did and he was so sorry that he had hurt me. He didn't cry but he doesn't cry and I know that about him. I cried and he sat there and held my hand telling me that he is so sorry and that he will end everything with her.
He did talk to her the next day and told her that things can never go back to how they were. He still talks to her because they work together but he promised me that it would no longer involve personal things.
He is going on a business trip with her next week. How do I talk to him about this? I can't ask him not to go because this is part of training that he needs to do. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!!!!!
I finally got the handle on things and confronted him. I told him I demanded to know what was going on. He told me that they kissed in Chicago on a business trip. He told me that they had been drinking and it happened. They had gotten close because both of them were having problems in their marriage and started talking about it. That is when I started crying because I felt like my self esteem just went through the floor. He told me that he never planned for this to get to where it did and he was so sorry that he had hurt me. He didn't cry but he doesn't cry and I know that about him. I cried and he sat there and held my hand telling me that he is so sorry and that he will end everything with her.
He did talk to her the next day and told her that things can never go back to how they were. He still talks to her because they work together but he promised me that it would no longer involve personal things.
He is going on a business trip with her next week. How do I talk to him about this? I can't ask him not to go because this is part of training that he needs to do. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!!!!!
Jan 5, 2009 1:30 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry -- you and your husband are in a sad, difficult situation!
You asked how you talk to him about this....but I think you need to figure out the best way for you and your husband to move forward in a healthy way. Maybe this means he has to quit this job and get a new one. Maybe it means transfering to a different branch of the company. I don't know -- you and he have to figure that out together.
You talk to him about this by being honest about your fears, concerns, and anxieties. I don't know how willing he'll be to listen, or to make changes to help you feel more secure -- but I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with him.
Given his past relationship with his boss (which goes beyond emotional cheating), it doesn't seem reasonable to expect that they'll just go back to a normal boss-employee relationship. Have you ever heard the term, "a bell can't be unrung"? In this case, their actions can't be undone, and it doesn't seem likely that they can just be professional from now on.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. The way to talk to him is to be honest and clear about what you'd like to see happen, and hear his perspective as objectively as possible. Then, hopefully you two will be able to find a way to re-build your relationship.
Best wishes, and feel free to let us know how you're doing,
Laurie
You asked how you talk to him about this....but I think you need to figure out the best way for you and your husband to move forward in a healthy way. Maybe this means he has to quit this job and get a new one. Maybe it means transfering to a different branch of the company. I don't know -- you and he have to figure that out together.
You talk to him about this by being honest about your fears, concerns, and anxieties. I don't know how willing he'll be to listen, or to make changes to help you feel more secure -- but I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with him.
Given his past relationship with his boss (which goes beyond emotional cheating), it doesn't seem reasonable to expect that they'll just go back to a normal boss-employee relationship. Have you ever heard the term, "a bell can't be unrung"? In this case, their actions can't be undone, and it doesn't seem likely that they can just be professional from now on.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. The way to talk to him is to be honest and clear about what you'd like to see happen, and hear his perspective as objectively as possible. Then, hopefully you two will be able to find a way to re-build your relationship.
Best wishes, and feel free to let us know how you're doing,
Laurie
Jan 7, 2009 9:12 AM
Guest
:
I finally got my fiance to admit that she had been having an emotional
relationship with a guy she met in school. Everytime I confronted her about
the relationship with this guy she would insist they were just friends and
she just felt confortable talking to him about things including problems we
were having in our relationship. This would cause huge arguments
regularly. I explaind to her that when you are talking to someone of the
opposite sex EVERY DAY-ALL DAY and texting them EVERY DAY-ALL DAY its more
than just a friendship. Someone may start catching feelings. If she wasn't
having sexual feelings, he was. I looked at her phone and found a text that
read "you are my lover and my friend and in a perfect world you would
be my wife, I love you"; her response was "aww baby, I love you
too". When I confronted her about this she insisted it was from
someone else and wasn't directed to her. She was finally forced to end
this friendship when an incident happened with a family member and she
discovered everything i had been saying about this guy was correct. Now he
is trying to force his way back into her life by telling her how much he
was there for her, he was her only friend and no one knew her better than
him. He tells her that he cant sleep and that everything reminds him of
her. She tells me that she can see that what she was doing was wrong and
that all of the energy and emotionship she had been giving to him she will
now put in our relationship. I hope she doesn't fall for his ploy to get
close to her again. I just want to get on with our lives and make our
relatioinship as strong as possible.
Jan 7, 2009 6:45 PM
Guest
:
Dear Laurie
I left a comment here earlier under the name of Linda. Things are doing fine with us for now.
Just before the new year, I broke down again. I find it difficult to just 'forget about it'. Since the whole thing has broken the trust that I had on him... I wasn't sure if they still have something going on. I did something that I've never did before. I ran thru' his phone and phone bills and found out there're still 'conversations' going on between them, which he claims there're mistakes with the bill (what a lame excuse).
He was angry that I ran thru' his things but you can't blame me for doing that. He has taken my 'trust' and 'freedom' for him for granted. He told me to forget about it otherwise it'll be very painful for me. I told him while I would want to forget about the whole thing, I've asked him to promise me that he will also need to forget about her and to stop communicating with her totally. It might be hard to just forget but I'm just afraid if there's any communication going on between them still, it'll lead back to the same thing again.
I suggested that we start the new year with new life.. and that we shall never bring up anything about it anymore. He's been treating me all good and we've enjoyed ourselves very much in a holiday during X'mas. I am sure that my love for him is still very strong and I don't want to lose him.
But what is still bothering me now.. How do I forget things that I don't want to remember? I find this really hard. Would appreciate your advise on what I can do to really forget about it? And how can I be sure that there's nothing between them now?
Regards
Linda
I left a comment here earlier under the name of Linda. Things are doing fine with us for now.
Just before the new year, I broke down again. I find it difficult to just 'forget about it'. Since the whole thing has broken the trust that I had on him... I wasn't sure if they still have something going on. I did something that I've never did before. I ran thru' his phone and phone bills and found out there're still 'conversations' going on between them, which he claims there're mistakes with the bill (what a lame excuse).
He was angry that I ran thru' his things but you can't blame me for doing that. He has taken my 'trust' and 'freedom' for him for granted. He told me to forget about it otherwise it'll be very painful for me. I told him while I would want to forget about the whole thing, I've asked him to promise me that he will also need to forget about her and to stop communicating with her totally. It might be hard to just forget but I'm just afraid if there's any communication going on between them still, it'll lead back to the same thing again.
I suggested that we start the new year with new life.. and that we shall never bring up anything about it anymore. He's been treating me all good and we've enjoyed ourselves very much in a holiday during X'mas. I am sure that my love for him is still very strong and I don't want to lose him.
But what is still bothering me now.. How do I forget things that I don't want to remember? I find this really hard. Would appreciate your advise on what I can do to really forget about it? And how can I be sure that there's nothing between them now?
Regards
Linda
Jan 7, 2009 7:36 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi Linda,
Thanks for your comment - I certainly don't have all the answers (I wish I did), but I'll give you my two cents.
I don't think you can wipe your memory clean and totally forget about it, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your husband at his word: he has left the past behind, and you two are building a strong relationship together. The emotional infidelity is over, and it's time to move on.
Yes, it's hard. Forgiveness and love is never easy....but you have to focus on what you want your marriage to be like, not what happened in the past. You have to focus on healing.
It takes practice and a constant choice. It's not like you can wake up one day and be all happy and trusting again....you have to choose to be happy and trusting every morning, or three times a day, or even every hour of the day. The more you choose to focus on love, trust, and forgiveness, the easier it gets.
Good luck, Linda! Give it some time and effort, and let me know how it goes.
Laurie
Thanks for your comment - I certainly don't have all the answers (I wish I did), but I'll give you my two cents.
I don't think you can wipe your memory clean and totally forget about it, but you can stop nourishing your mistrust, hurt, and suspicious thoughts. That means accepting your husband at his word: he has left the past behind, and you two are building a strong relationship together. The emotional infidelity is over, and it's time to move on.
Yes, it's hard. Forgiveness and love is never easy....but you have to focus on what you want your marriage to be like, not what happened in the past. You have to focus on healing.
It takes practice and a constant choice. It's not like you can wake up one day and be all happy and trusting again....you have to choose to be happy and trusting every morning, or three times a day, or even every hour of the day. The more you choose to focus on love, trust, and forgiveness, the easier it gets.
Good luck, Linda! Give it some time and effort, and let me know how it goes.
Laurie
Jan 7, 2009 9:28 PM
Guest
:
My husband and I have had our share of troubles over the years (10 in
June), but I began to suspect there was someone else shortly after I had my
second child nearly 2 years ago (although he did display very strange
behavior during my pregnancy as well ...). He had become very distant,
lost a signficant amount of weight, got a new car. Many folks asked if he
was having a mid life crisis and he was only in his 30's! Anyway, I found
out last Thanksgiving there was in fact someone else. He left his work
laptop on and left the room, so I quickly scanned for anything I could
find. When I called him out on it, he admitted he had feelings for this
"secret friend/co-worker" and was attracted to her. Through
counseling it was determined to be an emotional affair - supposedly no
contact was made - even though they took two business trips together - hmmm
... Anyway, over the last year, he has sworn up and down that he is not
still talking with her, meeting for lunch or coffee. Well, he got sloppy
and checked her receipt of a voicemail he left her the day after Christmas
- from our home phone. All of the numbers he keyed were in redial, so I
called the number and heard his voice telling her he had pulled over to a
pay phone to "tide himself over" that he was thinking about her
and he missed her "a whole lot". I was shocked, felt like I was
in some bad drama movie. He has been lying to my face for over a year
(AGAIN!) -- with conviction. Now I am all he wants and he is ready to save
our marriage - a little too late, huh? He met with her on Monday to tell
her what has transpired and they will supposedly stop interacting -- for
real this time. I have two small children and the idea of how divorce will
ruin them kills me; however, how much more lying and betrayal should I
stick around for? I lost 15 lbs last year and had to go on depression meds
... that wasn't enough to wisen him up? Why would it be now? Does he
deserve another chance? I don'think I have the energy to give this what we
need to survive!
Jan 8, 2009 6:24 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry you're going through this, and with 2 small kids too!
If you want to avoid divorce and focus on a strong marriage, couples or marriage counseling may be a good option. That way, you both learn objective ways of coping with whatever is trigger his desire for emotional intimacy elsewhere...and you learn how to interact more openly and honestly.
Sometimes you can't just pull it together on your own - you need an outside professional (pastor, rabbi, counselor, psychologist, etc) who can guide you in the right and healthy direction.
Only you can decide if you can give him a second chance, and if you have the strength to try again. But I'd suggest not going at it alone. Get support.
Best wishes,
Laurie
If you want to avoid divorce and focus on a strong marriage, couples or marriage counseling may be a good option. That way, you both learn objective ways of coping with whatever is trigger his desire for emotional intimacy elsewhere...and you learn how to interact more openly and honestly.
Sometimes you can't just pull it together on your own - you need an outside professional (pastor, rabbi, counselor, psychologist, etc) who can guide you in the right and healthy direction.
Only you can decide if you can give him a second chance, and if you have the strength to try again. But I'd suggest not going at it alone. Get support.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Jan 9, 2009 7:16 AM
Guest
:
Dear Laurie,
I posted a comment on January 5th about my fiance having an emotional relationship with another man. Its been close to two weeks since she was forced to end the emotional ties to this other man and now she is pushing for us to get married and showing me extra attention whereas before this she was dragging her feet and unsure. I know he still calls her and occasionally sends her text messages. I just have a couple of questions:
1. Do you think she is pushing our marriage so much because she is angry at him and this may be her way of getting back at him?
2. Should I forbid her to contact him at all for any reason? I know she misses their "friendship". I don't want to seem like I don't trust her or make her think that I am treating her like a child and not a partner.
3. How do I begin to move forward from this nightmare and starting thinking about our future together? I get so angry and hurt when I know he is still contacting her. I just want him out of my life...for good!!
I really love this woman and I know she loves me. She is just a bit misguided. Help!!
I posted a comment on January 5th about my fiance having an emotional relationship with another man. Its been close to two weeks since she was forced to end the emotional ties to this other man and now she is pushing for us to get married and showing me extra attention whereas before this she was dragging her feet and unsure. I know he still calls her and occasionally sends her text messages. I just have a couple of questions:
1. Do you think she is pushing our marriage so much because she is angry at him and this may be her way of getting back at him?
2. Should I forbid her to contact him at all for any reason? I know she misses their "friendship". I don't want to seem like I don't trust her or make her think that I am treating her like a child and not a partner.
3. How do I begin to move forward from this nightmare and starting thinking about our future together? I get so angry and hurt when I know he is still contacting her. I just want him out of my life...for good!!
I really love this woman and I know she loves me. She is just a bit misguided. Help!!
Jan 9, 2009 7:43 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
So many questions!
1. I have no idea why she's pushing marriage. We can speculate until the cows come home, but to know for sure, you'd need to sit her down with a counselor.
2. You can't forbid her to do anything! That's not a sound basis for a marriage -- it sounds like you both need to figure out what a healthy relationship is before you pursue marriage. It's such a huge decision -- you can't go into it with misconceptions or wrong expectations, or you're setting yourself up for disaster. And it's not just your lives that are affected, it's your kids, your parents -- everyone you know.
3. You begin to move forward by exploring the idea of couples counseling. Premarital counseling is a wonderful way to determine if you're meant to be together -- my husband and I did two types of marital counseling before we got married. I'd suggest you two get counseling together -- and the counselor will help you figure out what you both need to do to have a healthy future together.
Good luck and warm wishes,
Laurie
1. I have no idea why she's pushing marriage. We can speculate until the cows come home, but to know for sure, you'd need to sit her down with a counselor.
2. You can't forbid her to do anything! That's not a sound basis for a marriage -- it sounds like you both need to figure out what a healthy relationship is before you pursue marriage. It's such a huge decision -- you can't go into it with misconceptions or wrong expectations, or you're setting yourself up for disaster. And it's not just your lives that are affected, it's your kids, your parents -- everyone you know.
3. You begin to move forward by exploring the idea of couples counseling. Premarital counseling is a wonderful way to determine if you're meant to be together -- my husband and I did two types of marital counseling before we got married. I'd suggest you two get counseling together -- and the counselor will help you figure out what you both need to do to have a healthy future together.
Good luck and warm wishes,
Laurie
Jan 9, 2009 10:13 PM
Guest
:
My marriage has been going down hill for the past year out of the four we
have been together. Recently my wife has started to talk about finding her
soul mate and wondering if I’m the one. We have not been intimate for a
while and when I tried the other week she moved away explaining “It doesn’t
feel right”. The morning after I confronted her and asked what was going
on. After some prying she stated that it’s another man….a co-worker. I
asked if she had slept with him or similar….she replied “no”. I asked if
she loved him, she replied, “I have feelings for him”. Quickly she stated
that he is just a friend and it’s not love feelings. They have gone to a
concert together and out to dinner once. She constantly tells me that
he(the co-worker) “Gets me” and understands me on an deep emotional level.
Devastated and emotional I went that morning and got divorce papers. I
filled out my half and the next day I had her fill out the other. She
started off crying and pleading to reconcile but within a day she agreed it
was the right thing to do. I moved out and we are currently going through
couples counseling, but I have some serious doubts. I’m so upset and sad
about this. I can’t make a decision on divorce or repair. What can I do to
help me decide? Please help!!!
Jan 10, 2009 5:06 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm so sorry for what you're going through - you're both in alot of pain,
and that makes making a major life decision like divorce even harder!
Couples counseling is the exact right thing to do, and it sounds like now is not the right time to decide what your next step is. This will sound funny, but "relax" into your counseling and your thoughts of your new life without your wife. Don't force yourself to make any decision. Instead, take a deep breath, accept that you're at a major crossroads, and stay open to all the possibilities.
It may be easier to decide about divorce or reconciliation in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or 3 years. There will come a time when the decision will be absolutely or mostly clear to you and your wife......until then, I'd suggest listen to your counselor's thoughts and suggestions with an open-minded heart and head.
Good luck and best wishes, and feel free to update me as time goes by,
Laurie
Couples counseling is the exact right thing to do, and it sounds like now is not the right time to decide what your next step is. This will sound funny, but "relax" into your counseling and your thoughts of your new life without your wife. Don't force yourself to make any decision. Instead, take a deep breath, accept that you're at a major crossroads, and stay open to all the possibilities.
It may be easier to decide about divorce or reconciliation in 3 weeks, or 3 months, or 3 years. There will come a time when the decision will be absolutely or mostly clear to you and your wife......until then, I'd suggest listen to your counselor's thoughts and suggestions with an open-minded heart and head.
Good luck and best wishes, and feel free to update me as time goes by,
Laurie
Jan 18, 2009 11:32 PM
Guest
:
My husband had an emotional affair. It has been almost 3 months ago that I
found out and he had to end all contact with her. He has been true to his
word, as I told him I would be checking emails, cell phone calls, etc. Our
marriage has become so much stronger throughout the last few months. We
have 3 children together and have been together for 9 years. He is a
fantastic father and husband, and I have forgiven him. But how do I learn
to trust him again? I just can't seem to get over this. How do you put it
in the past? I have been cheated on in the past before and he knew how
against infidelity I am. His views were the same, but I just can't get
over it. I keep playing the entire situation over in my mind, and it feels
like it's eating me alove. Any advice is greatly appreciated
Jan 27, 2009 10:22 AM
Guest
:
Hi there. I've just read through everything on this site and so much of it
has hit home.
My boyfriend of one year (living with me in my house for the last 6 months) has always acted very guarded about his friendship with his ex-girlfriend. He lectured me from the start, stating it was important I didn't have a problem with the friendship. I was as open as possible, telling him I wanted to meet her. He made a real fuss about this and the first meeting was far from pleasant.
As the months went by I became aware of her texts and contacting him, far more than his other 'best friends'. Going for drinks together was a regular occurence. I tried talking to him about this, saying I wanted to get to know her better, but he was defensive as usual. He told me he spoke to her regularly on chat sites, that she needed that kind of attention.
After a year of dating I checked an old phone of his and found a lot of texts from the ex-girlfriend. From a period of time when we were together. Saying she missed him, she'd seen an image that made her think of him, lots of love, talking of the past, a load of kisses. I have a very good memory and some of the texts were when we were on holiday together. The one response I saw from him was cheekily sweet, the kind of thing I'd seen sent to me at the start of our relationship.
Upon confronting him, he acted guarded, defensive, turning it round on me in a fit of anger. He says he'd never give up the platonic relationship for our relationship. He refuses to budge and says it's me with the problem. I wouldn't give him a 'her or me' ultimatum (I'd be happy with a reduced amount of contact or at least a discussion on my boundaries), but he seems to think that's the only solution.
Months ago I'd seen texts on his phone using sexual words, not in an explicit manner but jokingly flirty between them.
I feel so hurt, and had considered speaking to the ex about it. But suspect this would be fruitless.
Your thoughts are very appreciated.
My boyfriend of one year (living with me in my house for the last 6 months) has always acted very guarded about his friendship with his ex-girlfriend. He lectured me from the start, stating it was important I didn't have a problem with the friendship. I was as open as possible, telling him I wanted to meet her. He made a real fuss about this and the first meeting was far from pleasant.
As the months went by I became aware of her texts and contacting him, far more than his other 'best friends'. Going for drinks together was a regular occurence. I tried talking to him about this, saying I wanted to get to know her better, but he was defensive as usual. He told me he spoke to her regularly on chat sites, that she needed that kind of attention.
After a year of dating I checked an old phone of his and found a lot of texts from the ex-girlfriend. From a period of time when we were together. Saying she missed him, she'd seen an image that made her think of him, lots of love, talking of the past, a load of kisses. I have a very good memory and some of the texts were when we were on holiday together. The one response I saw from him was cheekily sweet, the kind of thing I'd seen sent to me at the start of our relationship.
Upon confronting him, he acted guarded, defensive, turning it round on me in a fit of anger. He says he'd never give up the platonic relationship for our relationship. He refuses to budge and says it's me with the problem. I wouldn't give him a 'her or me' ultimatum (I'd be happy with a reduced amount of contact or at least a discussion on my boundaries), but he seems to think that's the only solution.
Months ago I'd seen texts on his phone using sexual words, not in an explicit manner but jokingly flirty between them.
I feel so hurt, and had considered speaking to the ex about it. But suspect this would be fruitless.
Your thoughts are very appreciated.
Feb 5, 2009 2:19 PM
Guest
:
Hi
After marriage, my husband got back in touch with one of his classmates from school, who was then married with 2 children and now has 4! She lives down south far far away only in terms of miles. My husband has been calling her and receiving calls at all times including odd times. Everytime I asked him about this, he would belittle me and say that I had "filthy" thoughts. And I let it go for sometime and stopped checking the cellphone records. My daughter was born in 2007. Few weeks ago I looked into the records only to realize what a fool I have been. They stay in touch and she calls him blocking her telephone number... so that it comes as "unavailable". I am not going to ask him anything now, because they will then find someother way to communicate. And even if I ask him, he is going to spurn me right away. In addition to that the cell phone records indicate lot of picture/video messages back and forth. Not sure what to make of this. Another statement of my husband is that I am "conservative" in my thinking. I know I have to be careful in my actions and have my daughter's interest and happiness as the priority.
We never had a good sex life and now dont have any! I hear people say that is an indicator of a happy marriage. Is that correct?
Am I wrong in feeling let down?
After marriage, my husband got back in touch with one of his classmates from school, who was then married with 2 children and now has 4! She lives down south far far away only in terms of miles. My husband has been calling her and receiving calls at all times including odd times. Everytime I asked him about this, he would belittle me and say that I had "filthy" thoughts. And I let it go for sometime and stopped checking the cellphone records. My daughter was born in 2007. Few weeks ago I looked into the records only to realize what a fool I have been. They stay in touch and she calls him blocking her telephone number... so that it comes as "unavailable". I am not going to ask him anything now, because they will then find someother way to communicate. And even if I ask him, he is going to spurn me right away. In addition to that the cell phone records indicate lot of picture/video messages back and forth. Not sure what to make of this. Another statement of my husband is that I am "conservative" in my thinking. I know I have to be careful in my actions and have my daughter's interest and happiness as the priority.
We never had a good sex life and now dont have any! I hear people say that is an indicator of a happy marriage. Is that correct?
Am I wrong in feeling let down?
Feb 5, 2009 2:35 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I think physical intimacy is one indicator of how a marriage is going...and
how spouses communicate and respect one another's feelings are two more
signals of whether a marriage is happy. So is having emotional connections
to people outside the marriage! Most happy marriages consist of two
partners who are focused solely on each other.
No, I don't think you're wrong to feel let down.
I hope you can find a way to rebuild a connection with your husband. Here -- I'll write an article about doing just that, and post the link here! Just give me a couple of days.... :-)
Best regards,
Laurie
No, I don't think you're wrong to feel let down.
I hope you can find a way to rebuild a connection with your husband. Here -- I'll write an article about doing just that, and post the link here! Just give me a couple of days.... :-)
Best regards,
Laurie
Feb 7, 2009 12:41 PM
Guest
:
Hi laurie, I posted a comment as a guest on 27th Jan at 10.22. Just
wondering if you had any thoughts? Thanks!
Feb 7, 2009 3:38 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Thanks for the nudge; sorry I didn't respond earlier!
What really strikes me is his refusal to give up his platonic relationships for your relationship. I expect my husband to put me first, before anyone -- even when he was "just" my boyfriend.
And, I agree with you: speaking to the ex is fruitless. Even more, it would throw all sorts of fuel on the fire! Your boyfriend would be angry, and rightly so. This something that needs to be solved between you and him.
My honest thoughts: figure out how you want to be treated by your boyfriend, and settle for nothing less. Don't be afraid of ultimatums, and don't be afraid of being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion.
I hope this helps -- I'm sure it's not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but those are my thoughts!
Warm wishes - and feel free to comment again, if you like...
Laurie
What really strikes me is his refusal to give up his platonic relationships for your relationship. I expect my husband to put me first, before anyone -- even when he was "just" my boyfriend.
And, I agree with you: speaking to the ex is fruitless. Even more, it would throw all sorts of fuel on the fire! Your boyfriend would be angry, and rightly so. This something that needs to be solved between you and him.
My honest thoughts: figure out how you want to be treated by your boyfriend, and settle for nothing less. Don't be afraid of ultimatums, and don't be afraid of being left alone. Being single is a far better option than being in a relationship that causes you pain, anxiety, frustration, and confusion.
I hope this helps -- I'm sure it's not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but those are my thoughts!
Warm wishes - and feel free to comment again, if you like...
Laurie
Feb 7, 2009 4:19 PM
Guest
:
Thanks for replying Laurie (Feb 7, 2009 3:38 PM).
After weeks of horrible arguments (him manipulating conversations and arguments to focus the blame onto me!) there was a small breakthrough of him admitting he could be defensive and a small apology for his way of dealing with the issue. Although this was at the point when he thought he was going to lose me for good. During conversations he's lied and told half-truths.
It's been a very tough time, at one stage I did actually call the ex to see if we could meet up as I literally felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. She mailed me and told me she didn't want to and that she'd done nothing wrong. Although she was only referring to one message - it seems my boyfriend has been economical with the truth with her too (it's much more than one message). My boyfriend and she have also been discussing things about the situation between themselves as he's told me bits and pieces. I've noted he's taken to deleting any texts he receives from her, too. We're going to try some relationship counselling which is the only thing left I feel can help. Thank you so much for your words, I'd be interested to know what you think now I've updated you!
After weeks of horrible arguments (him manipulating conversations and arguments to focus the blame onto me!) there was a small breakthrough of him admitting he could be defensive and a small apology for his way of dealing with the issue. Although this was at the point when he thought he was going to lose me for good. During conversations he's lied and told half-truths.
It's been a very tough time, at one stage I did actually call the ex to see if we could meet up as I literally felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. She mailed me and told me she didn't want to and that she'd done nothing wrong. Although she was only referring to one message - it seems my boyfriend has been economical with the truth with her too (it's much more than one message). My boyfriend and she have also been discussing things about the situation between themselves as he's told me bits and pieces. I've noted he's taken to deleting any texts he receives from her, too. We're going to try some relationship counselling which is the only thing left I feel can help. Thank you so much for your words, I'd be interested to know what you think now I've updated you!
Feb 8, 2009 7:26 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
That's great that you're going to relationship counseling! An objective,
professional eye might be just what you both need.
Keep me posted -- I'd love to hear the counselor's take on your journey. And, remember that counseling can be difficult. You really do have to look at the worst and best of who you are, which can be painful.
Good luck!
Laurie
Keep me posted -- I'd love to hear the counselor's take on your journey. And, remember that counseling can be difficult. You really do have to look at the worst and best of who you are, which can be painful.
Good luck!
Laurie
Feb 9, 2009 2:14 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
For tips on surviving an emotional affair:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipsandtipsforachievinggoals/729
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipsandtipsforachievinggoals/729
Feb 15, 2009 6:59 PM
pam819 :
Please help me. Husband has had an emotional affair with a married woman
from work for the past 7 months and I am devastated. I feel betrayed and
violated. He's lied and deceived me so many times. I went to store one day
and he was not there. Turns out him and her were at a park together. I
totally lost it that day, if I had a baseball bat I would have used it. He
insists that he is doing nothing wrong. But, I tell him just cause he's not
having sex doesn't mean he's not doing something wrong. I just recently
thought he had to have been attracted to her for him to have given her his
cell phone number and for him and her to call each other 161 times in one
month.
They just recently stopped calling each other on the cell phone. But,I hurt so bad and have no clue how to get over this or to put it behind me. I DONOT TRUST THIS MAN ANYMORE. I have thought of divorce, but I have no job and all my family has passed away, so I have no one except this man that is cheating on me. I feel I'm stuck, honestly I sometimes feel my only way out of all this pain is to just end it. It's like that's the only opition cause I hate how I feel living in it. Please give some advice. I just hope I have been able to relay the devastation I feel. We have been married for 31 years.
They just recently stopped calling each other on the cell phone. But,I hurt so bad and have no clue how to get over this or to put it behind me. I DONOT TRUST THIS MAN ANYMORE. I have thought of divorce, but I have no job and all my family has passed away, so I have no one except this man that is cheating on me. I feel I'm stuck, honestly I sometimes feel my only way out of all this pain is to just end it. It's like that's the only opition cause I hate how I feel living in it. Please give some advice. I just hope I have been able to relay the devastation I feel. We have been married for 31 years.
Feb 15, 2009 7:56 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles -- it sounds like you really feel
powerless and isolated.
Since you say you can't leave, it seems like you have 2 choices: continue as you are, or accept your husband's emotional affairs. You can't change him, but you can change how you deal with his behavior.
Continuing as you are sounds like a recipe for disaster! You'll either hurt yourself or him -- and if you hurt him, you'll be hurting yourself because you could end up in deep trouble. So, that may not be the best option.
If you accept your husband's emotional affairs, you may stop feeling powerless and angry. Some couples live this way for years: accepting each other's bad behavior for the sake of the kids, or because they feel there is no other option. I'm not saying this is right - and I'm not saying you should do this! I'm just suggesting different ways to deal with this situation.
Obviously, you'd like your husband to stop his emotional cheating. But since you can't change him, you need to figure out what else you can change, and tackle that.
I'm sorry I don't have the magic solution! I wish I could be more helpful.
Laurie
Since you say you can't leave, it seems like you have 2 choices: continue as you are, or accept your husband's emotional affairs. You can't change him, but you can change how you deal with his behavior.
Continuing as you are sounds like a recipe for disaster! You'll either hurt yourself or him -- and if you hurt him, you'll be hurting yourself because you could end up in deep trouble. So, that may not be the best option.
If you accept your husband's emotional affairs, you may stop feeling powerless and angry. Some couples live this way for years: accepting each other's bad behavior for the sake of the kids, or because they feel there is no other option. I'm not saying this is right - and I'm not saying you should do this! I'm just suggesting different ways to deal with this situation.
Obviously, you'd like your husband to stop his emotional cheating. But since you can't change him, you need to figure out what else you can change, and tackle that.
I'm sorry I don't have the magic solution! I wish I could be more helpful.
Laurie
Feb 16, 2009 5:22 PM
pam819 :
Laurie, I guess I'm heading for disaster cause I can not accept all that
he's done. I'd have no idea of how to even begin to accept it. One of the
hardest things is he feels no remorse or ever said he's sorry for causing
me all this heartache.
Pam
Pam
Feb 17, 2009 8:37 AM
Guest
:
dear laurie,
my husband of six years just told me he was in love with another woman.they meet through work. We have two beautiful children who think the world of there dad. i still think the world of him. I am not willing to loose him. He has decided that he wants to make it work with me. we are making an appoinment today with a psych office here. can he ever really get over her? she is away at school now but he still works with her sister and her mother? should i ask him to find a a new job?
my husband of six years just told me he was in love with another woman.they meet through work. We have two beautiful children who think the world of there dad. i still think the world of him. I am not willing to loose him. He has decided that he wants to make it work with me. we are making an appoinment today with a psych office here. can he ever really get over her? she is away at school now but he still works with her sister and her mother? should i ask him to find a a new job?
Feb 17, 2009 9:13 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Those are questions you need to discuss with your counselor and husband --
and I'm happy to hear that you'll be making an appointment!
Yes, partners can overcome emotional affairs. Whether he should get a different job depends on many factors, which you need to talk through. It's great that he wants to make it work with you, and you need to trust him that he's ready to put the past behind him, and work on a healthy relationship with you.
Good luck -- you're on the right road. It won't be an easy road, but it's the right one!
Yes, partners can overcome emotional affairs. Whether he should get a different job depends on many factors, which you need to talk through. It's great that he wants to make it work with you, and you need to trust him that he's ready to put the past behind him, and work on a healthy relationship with you.
Good luck -- you're on the right road. It won't be an easy road, but it's the right one!
Mar 8, 2009 6:23 PM
Guest
:
Ok hate me if u want to but here is the other side of the coin.....I am
miseable in my 25 year marriage!(I married at age 14) ... have tried to
leave but my husband is soooo emotinally unstable and dependant and when I
am gone it burdens our grown children so much I come back for thier sake, I
would rather be unhappy than hurt anyone else......That is why I have
affairs
Mar 12, 2009 12:58 AM
Guest
:
i feel bad for saying this but its relieving to see that i'm not the only
one who feels cheated, emotionally. i'm married to a wonderful guy for
about a year and a half now.. but he still hasn't socially accepted our
marital union at work or with 'friends'. i dont know how he can say he
loves me but not want to share this truth with people he sees everyday.
he's had a really bad childhood, so i kept telling myself that he's still turned out so well for the 7 years that we were going steady. his father's an alcoholic and his mother took off willingly, as she couldn't handle the relationship i guess, when he was still young. his father sent him to boarding school and wasnt allowed to see his mother but she would somehow over the years meet him secretively with the help of relatives. my husband wasn't too keen about interacting with her but i always encouraged him. we lived together for 3 years before we decided to tie the knot. he was absolutely perfect then. his mother even came to visit us for a few days when it was convinient to her.
the problem started after we got married. we had a small ceramony with only family bcoz he was too ashamed to have friends n collegues over in case his dad gets drunk. i've always wanted a small wedding so i didn't mind but everyone that i know knew that we were tying the knot. he started lying about how all his friends also knew but.. he just would never acknowledge that he hasn't told anyone but i'd known the whole time but wasn't sure about who all the hasn't told.
then suddenly he stayed getting really busy at work, had to please the bosses by going out for drinks after work, taking trips with them, spending weekends with them, since my job involves extensive travelling i didn't realise all this for a while. then i had a health problem because of which i was adviced bed rest and i stared putting on weight coz of no exercise n alot of medications. thats when i started realising that he never has any time for me. he had no interest in me physically or emotionally. so that's like no sex for 8 months, emotionally never available for a year n a half. he's been hiding the fact that all this time he was actually spending all his time with a girl from work, i've found romantic texts, her clothes even condoms in a bag he hid from me, yet he says he's never slept with her. even if i believe that what about the emotional attachment with her. she clearly likes him but didnt know i even existed. am i wrong to feel cheated?
he's had a really bad childhood, so i kept telling myself that he's still turned out so well for the 7 years that we were going steady. his father's an alcoholic and his mother took off willingly, as she couldn't handle the relationship i guess, when he was still young. his father sent him to boarding school and wasnt allowed to see his mother but she would somehow over the years meet him secretively with the help of relatives. my husband wasn't too keen about interacting with her but i always encouraged him. we lived together for 3 years before we decided to tie the knot. he was absolutely perfect then. his mother even came to visit us for a few days when it was convinient to her.
the problem started after we got married. we had a small ceramony with only family bcoz he was too ashamed to have friends n collegues over in case his dad gets drunk. i've always wanted a small wedding so i didn't mind but everyone that i know knew that we were tying the knot. he started lying about how all his friends also knew but.. he just would never acknowledge that he hasn't told anyone but i'd known the whole time but wasn't sure about who all the hasn't told.
then suddenly he stayed getting really busy at work, had to please the bosses by going out for drinks after work, taking trips with them, spending weekends with them, since my job involves extensive travelling i didn't realise all this for a while. then i had a health problem because of which i was adviced bed rest and i stared putting on weight coz of no exercise n alot of medications. thats when i started realising that he never has any time for me. he had no interest in me physically or emotionally. so that's like no sex for 8 months, emotionally never available for a year n a half. he's been hiding the fact that all this time he was actually spending all his time with a girl from work, i've found romantic texts, her clothes even condoms in a bag he hid from me, yet he says he's never slept with her. even if i believe that what about the emotional attachment with her. she clearly likes him but didnt know i even existed. am i wrong to feel cheated?
Mar 20, 2009 11:49 AM
Guest
:
what about the husband who says he wants to work on the marriage(caught in
adultery and emotional affair as well - separate issues) but even though he
knows the emotional affair is wrong refuses to stop? He told me he would
stop in Nov and in Mar met up with her 2x in one weekend. I love him but
how can i convince him that he's threatening our marriage and my emotional
health? The sexual affairs have ended but he admittedly is too selfish to
stop the "friendship" with the "angel" who has helped
him work on our marriage. She is so much fun! RRGGHH
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
Mar 21, 2009 6:49 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Can you trust your husband? It doesn't sound like he's stopped having
affairs - emotional or otherwise. How do you work on a marriage when one
partner is lying and cheating? The reason you need help is that you CAN'T
work on a marriage like that!
Will he go to couples counseling? The sooner he figures out why he keeps having affairs - and it's not just because she's fun - the sooner you two can overcome your marriage crisis and get things back on track.
Will he go to couples counseling? The sooner he figures out why he keeps having affairs - and it's not just because she's fun - the sooner you two can overcome your marriage crisis and get things back on track.
Mar 23, 2009 12:55 AM
Guest
:
Hi Laurie
Thanks for your worthy 2 cents!
I have to admit that it hasn't been easy in the surviving process. It's been almost 6 months since I discovered about the affair. It's been a rocky road, having gone thru' all the talking, crying, arguing..etc..
But I guess what you suggested is right - focus on all the positive stuff to make the relationship works.
I think I'm pretty happy now with how things are for the both of us - spending more time together, communicate more, appreciate each other more, show some attention and affection..etc.. I definitely prefer
this than all the heartbreaks from all the talks of the painful past.
Thanks so much and I'm so glad that I found this article.
I have one more thing to share with everybody, especially the 'survivors'.
Remember the 3A's to make the relationship works (I came across with this topic on radio by a psychologist) = Attention, Appreciation and Affection.
Regards
Linda
Thanks for your worthy 2 cents!
I have to admit that it hasn't been easy in the surviving process. It's been almost 6 months since I discovered about the affair. It's been a rocky road, having gone thru' all the talking, crying, arguing..etc..
But I guess what you suggested is right - focus on all the positive stuff to make the relationship works.
I think I'm pretty happy now with how things are for the both of us - spending more time together, communicate more, appreciate each other more, show some attention and affection..etc.. I definitely prefer
this than all the heartbreaks from all the talks of the painful past.
Thanks so much and I'm so glad that I found this article.
I have one more thing to share with everybody, especially the 'survivors'.
Remember the 3A's to make the relationship works (I came across with this topic on radio by a psychologist) = Attention, Appreciation and Affection.
Regards
Linda
Mar 27, 2009 9:54 AM
Guest
:
Hello,
I am writing on behalf of my mother. She has been married to my father for over 25 years. He has cheated on her within these years. Now there seems to be another issue, which has been on going for about 2 years. There is a woman, that he is friends with. My mom does not like this. This "woman" does not like my mother. My dad seems to care a lot of this woman, and is always spending time with her, has conversations with her, does everything with her. My mother has spoken to my dad about hows she feels, and he has made it clear that there is no one, not even herself or kids that can change the relationship he has with this woman. He has made it clear that he isn't having an affair with this lady, but it's hard for us to believe him, since he has in the past with other woman. This has ruined my mothers life, and has caused major stress in my life because i'm the only one she has to talk to. This other "woman" always calls my dad, they do things together, and the share more time just having fun, while my mother sits at home worrying. He doesn't show my mother any love what so ever, he sleeps in his own room, he calls her names, and its really sad. I am not sure how to help my mom go through this, she is so hurt and disturbed mentally. Sometimes i feel she will end her life.. The thing that hurts the most is that they live in another country, and i am going to see them soon. Is there any advice, that anyone can give me? I have spoke to my dad before on how and what he is doing, and nothing has changed. I want him to know, that he has affected the whole family, and i what him to really think about it...for ONCE!!! any advice out there? thanks and god bless!
I am writing on behalf of my mother. She has been married to my father for over 25 years. He has cheated on her within these years. Now there seems to be another issue, which has been on going for about 2 years. There is a woman, that he is friends with. My mom does not like this. This "woman" does not like my mother. My dad seems to care a lot of this woman, and is always spending time with her, has conversations with her, does everything with her. My mother has spoken to my dad about hows she feels, and he has made it clear that there is no one, not even herself or kids that can change the relationship he has with this woman. He has made it clear that he isn't having an affair with this lady, but it's hard for us to believe him, since he has in the past with other woman. This has ruined my mothers life, and has caused major stress in my life because i'm the only one she has to talk to. This other "woman" always calls my dad, they do things together, and the share more time just having fun, while my mother sits at home worrying. He doesn't show my mother any love what so ever, he sleeps in his own room, he calls her names, and its really sad. I am not sure how to help my mom go through this, she is so hurt and disturbed mentally. Sometimes i feel she will end her life.. The thing that hurts the most is that they live in another country, and i am going to see them soon. Is there any advice, that anyone can give me? I have spoke to my dad before on how and what he is doing, and nothing has changed. I want him to know, that he has affected the whole family, and i what him to really think about it...for ONCE!!! any advice out there? thanks and god bless!
Mar 27, 2009 10:55 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry for both you and your mom...it sounds like your dad is enjoying
his emotional affair without any regard for your mom's feelings at all.
As much as you'd like to help your mom and change your dad, you may be discovering that you don't have that kind of power. Your dad is choosing to spend time with his friend, and your mom is choosing to stay with him. I'm sorry, but there's not much you can do to change their relationship, or convince them to make different choices.
All you can do is express your thoughts and feelings, and then let it go. You can't rescue your mom, unfortunately. When you visit them, do look for resources in their community that could help her, such as support groups, workshops, help lines -- I don't know, but there may be social service-type or women's groups to tap into. If she doesn't have friends to lean on or talk to...then I don't know if there's much you can do about that.
You can also ask your mom what she needs from you. She may have some specific ideas of how you can help...or she may not want to "burden" you with her requests.
I think the hardest thing - and the best thing - you can do is simply accept that they're both adults, making their own choices. Choosing emotional infidelity and choosing to stay in the marriage doesn't seem healthy or right, but they're adults, living their own lives.
Sorry I don't have the magic answer, and good luck on your visit.
Laurie
As much as you'd like to help your mom and change your dad, you may be discovering that you don't have that kind of power. Your dad is choosing to spend time with his friend, and your mom is choosing to stay with him. I'm sorry, but there's not much you can do to change their relationship, or convince them to make different choices.
All you can do is express your thoughts and feelings, and then let it go. You can't rescue your mom, unfortunately. When you visit them, do look for resources in their community that could help her, such as support groups, workshops, help lines -- I don't know, but there may be social service-type or women's groups to tap into. If she doesn't have friends to lean on or talk to...then I don't know if there's much you can do about that.
You can also ask your mom what she needs from you. She may have some specific ideas of how you can help...or she may not want to "burden" you with her requests.
I think the hardest thing - and the best thing - you can do is simply accept that they're both adults, making their own choices. Choosing emotional infidelity and choosing to stay in the marriage doesn't seem healthy or right, but they're adults, living their own lives.
Sorry I don't have the magic answer, and good luck on your visit.
Laurie
May 13, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest
:
It says to forgive the man and move on. I finally did that after 2 1/2
years of him telling me to let it go. By the way, this is a women he had a
relationship on and off with for several years before we were together then
once after but before we were married. So the very night when we fight
about it again and he leaves for a few hours. I finally make up my mind
that it is over and I can trust him and move past this. Wrong, not an hour
later I learned he had never stopped again. I had bought him a cell phone
and the 1st person he had called was her. He had had the phone several
months and I never checked his calls. But there was this number starring me
in the face so I looked it up on reverse directory and it was her. He told
me before we were married that he cared for me and would learn to love me
in time. I tried to call it off but he insisited we would be ok. He
admitted then she was the only women he had ever truely been in love with.
Funny thing is I called her when I found her number and she seemed a little
surprized at how deep his love really was but seem flattered. She also told
me she wondered why he never failed to tell her he loved her and she was
the only women he had ever loved! I have not heard those words from him in
years and only several times throughout our May 14th 27th wedding
anniversary or the 2 years we lived together before that. I have known this
time since Dec. 08. I am not able to get past it again and doubt I ever
will. I am sure they are still writing and calling each other behind my
back but he uses other addresses of friends or family and calls her from
work with a prepaid phone card. So someone tell me how to forgive him and
move on again?? I also have a letter he wrote her that is very detailed on
how much he loves her and dreams and lusts after her?? Anyone have any
ideal how to forgive this when I know it is still going on?? We are raising
our 6 and 9 year old grandchildren. We have had legal custody of them for 5
years so this makes it hard also. I'm just lost???
May 14, 2009 6:40 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry for you and your marriage - it must be devastating to live with a
man who has betrayed you that way.
I don't think you can ALWAYS forgive your partner for an emotional affair, and just move on with your relationship. It depends on so many things: his attitude and committment for the future, your relationship, your living situation. There's not a "one size fits all" rule for dealing with emotional infidelity.
You need to decide if you can live with your partner's evidence of an emotional affair! It doesn't seem like he's willing to give her up, so it's up to you. Maybe he doesn't think you'd ever kick him out, which is why he keeps contact with her. Maybe he's too weak to leave, and too weak to give her up. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too!
You can't change him into a respectful, loving, NON-cheating husband. All you can do is express your feelings, describe your version of a healthy relationship, and then either accept his actions or leave if he disregards your feelings and opinions.
It's especially difficult when you have kids in the house -- and I commend you for raising your grandchildren!
Regarding forgiving and moving on: it's a lifetime process that won't happen overnight. And, the only way you can forgive is if you trust him, that he won't stay involved with her. Can you trust him? If not, forgiving is much more difficult. Is it impossible? I don't know. It depends on you.
But, you can't forgive him if you know he's still involved. The onus isn't ALL on you to forgive, my friend. The onus is also on him to take steps that make him worth forgiving.
What do you think?
Laurie
I don't think you can ALWAYS forgive your partner for an emotional affair, and just move on with your relationship. It depends on so many things: his attitude and committment for the future, your relationship, your living situation. There's not a "one size fits all" rule for dealing with emotional infidelity.
You need to decide if you can live with your partner's evidence of an emotional affair! It doesn't seem like he's willing to give her up, so it's up to you. Maybe he doesn't think you'd ever kick him out, which is why he keeps contact with her. Maybe he's too weak to leave, and too weak to give her up. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too!
You can't change him into a respectful, loving, NON-cheating husband. All you can do is express your feelings, describe your version of a healthy relationship, and then either accept his actions or leave if he disregards your feelings and opinions.
It's especially difficult when you have kids in the house -- and I commend you for raising your grandchildren!
Regarding forgiving and moving on: it's a lifetime process that won't happen overnight. And, the only way you can forgive is if you trust him, that he won't stay involved with her. Can you trust him? If not, forgiving is much more difficult. Is it impossible? I don't know. It depends on you.
But, you can't forgive him if you know he's still involved. The onus isn't ALL on you to forgive, my friend. The onus is also on him to take steps that make him worth forgiving.
What do you think?
Laurie
May 14, 2009 8:55 PM
Guest
:
Thank you Laurie for the kind words and advice. I'm just lost. I feel like
I have loved a man for almost 30 years with nothing in return. Today was
our anniversary and of course he didn't remember again.
I used to trust him 110% and he blew it. Then I forgave him and tried to put it in the past and move on only to learn it had never stopped even though he was being creul to me saying I needed to get over it?? And he was lying all the time. I am sure he is still calling her and probally always will. I know I need to give up and just go but it is really hard espically with two grandkids that have already lost one home. What to do?
He has hurt me many times and I always end up just letting it go but I just can't this time. I guess I have loved him like he has loved her and neither one of us got what we wanted. He is the only man I have been with since I was 18 so I have no ideal where to even begin to start anew. I just want so bad to be loved and wanted by someone before my life is over. I have never had that kind of love. I want to feel what it feels like to have someone love me back. I know that is never going to happen with him because he can't let go of the past and move on. This really sucks but I know what I have to do I just don't know where to begin.
Again thank you, I'm glad someone is here to vent to.
I used to trust him 110% and he blew it. Then I forgave him and tried to put it in the past and move on only to learn it had never stopped even though he was being creul to me saying I needed to get over it?? And he was lying all the time. I am sure he is still calling her and probally always will. I know I need to give up and just go but it is really hard espically with two grandkids that have already lost one home. What to do?
He has hurt me many times and I always end up just letting it go but I just can't this time. I guess I have loved him like he has loved her and neither one of us got what we wanted. He is the only man I have been with since I was 18 so I have no ideal where to even begin to start anew. I just want so bad to be loved and wanted by someone before my life is over. I have never had that kind of love. I want to feel what it feels like to have someone love me back. I know that is never going to happen with him because he can't let go of the past and move on. This really sucks but I know what I have to do I just don't know where to begin.
Again thank you, I'm glad someone is here to vent to.
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