It's not always the mother in law's fault when in law relationships are rocky! Here's how to be a great daughter in law to your husband's mother.
Learning how to be a great daughter in law to your husband's mother can be easier than you think. If you want to build a good relationship with your mother in law (or even just have a civil conversation), read on......and you may be saying "I love you" to your mother in law sooner than you think!
These "daughter in law do's and don't's" could give you a great relationship with your husband's mother. Getting along with your mother in law may be easier than you think, especially if you're clear and firm about your expectations. Building a good relationship with your mother in law is easier if you're nice to her.
To be a great daughter in law, DO:
Be clear, honest, and calm with both your husband and mother in law about your needs and desires. To be a great daughter in law, be honest.
Gracefully and humbly admit it if you've made a mistake, such as expecting too much or trying to control your husband's mother's actions or personality.
Respect your mother in law's opinions, wisdom, age, and experience. Build a good relationship with your husband's mother listening to her.
Stay away from your in laws if they could harm or abuse you or your children.
Have a "party line" and stick to it ("We chose to spend the money this way and we stand by our decision," said calmly and repeatedly will eventually dissuade even the most stubborn mother in law).
Let your husband – her son – discuss big issues with her. As the daughter in law, stand back. Encourage him to set and maintain boundaries, such as calling before visiting.
Call your mother in law just to say hi. Being a great daughter in law starts with being thoughtful.
Be firm that your mother in law respects your wishes. If she shows up uninvited despite your request to call first, gently turn her away. You may be her daughter in law but you can stick to your guns!
Stand up for yourself if your mother in law criticizes your appearance, house, or parenting style. Point out remarks you think are unfair or unnecessary when they happen (not months later, or to your husband that night).
Enlist your husband's support in standing up for yourself. Building a good relationship with you mother in law involves getting support.
Stick to your decisions as wife, mother, and daughter in law.
Be considerate of health concerns of your mother in law, such as depression, failing physical health, and fears of aging. A great daughter in law cares about other people's health.
Be consistently clear that your mother in law is not in control of your home, children, or husband.
Be patient in the face of hostility, silence, or rejection. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires patience.
Show respect and compassion to your husband's mother even when you don't feel like it.
Learn the difference between "help" and "control". Help is lending money; control is dictating how it's spent. Build a good relationship with your mother in law by focusing on helping or being helped.
Realize that being firm and clear about your wishes won't ruin your relationship. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother requires work!
Pay attention to your mother in law's needs and wishes. A great daughter in law considers others' desires.
Ask your mother in law to join your world! Invite her to take a walk, yoga class, or art gallery tour with you. Change your environment, and you may change your daughter in law relationship.
Accept that personality conflicts happen, and learn to live with differences of opinion, perspective, and culture. A great daughter in law knows and accepts who she is.
To be a great daughter in law, DON'T:
Tell mother in law jokes unless they're positive.
Offer excuses or rationalizations to your husband's mother. Stand by your decisions and choices.
Get drawn into arguments, debates, or screaming matches. A great daughter in law lets things go.
Let little things bother you. If your mother in law refuses to go to your place for the holidays, then enjoy the relaxation of not hosting.
Expect your mother in law and husband to read your mind. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires honesty.
Be afraid to apologize. A great daughter in law says "I'm sorry, I was wrong," when necessary.
Expect an apology from your husband's mother in return. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires no expectations.
Let your mother in law's assessment of you color your self-perspective as a daughter in law or woman. You can't control what others think; you can only be who you are and live up to your own standards.
Be swayed by complaints, comparisons, or nagging from your husband's mother.
Be rude, critical, or overly sensitive to your mother in law.
Criticize your in laws in front of your children. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother means that you don't cut others down.
Let your happiness depend on other people. A great daughter in law is happily self-sufficient.
Being a great daughter in law means being yourself. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother can supersede even your own mother-daughter bond - and it can even outlast your marriage!
If you found How to be a Great Daughter in Law helpful, try:
The copyright of the article How to be a Great Daughter in Law in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How to be a Great Daughter in Law in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Very nice and very common sense-like, if I may say so! I really enjoyed and
I completely agree with it. A future daughter in law...
Nov 7, 2008 2:41 PM
Guest
:
I just wish I were mature enough to let things go and actually want to know
my mother in law. I'm in a pretty miserable situation. We are moving to the
coast in a year so maybe the distance will help.
Nov 9, 2008 8:17 AM
Guest
:
Still another article portraying mother-in-laws as intrusive, pushy people.
We're not all that way. Why not an article teaching daughter-in-laws to
be considerate and kind to their mother-in-laws. Daughter-in-laws can be
extremely judgmental, demanding, jealous, ungrateful, and rude. I've never
gone to my daughter-in-laws house uninvited or without calling first. I'm
very contentious about not giving advice or comments. I don't react to her
cutting remarks or her lack of graciousness when I give her a gift. This
generation needs to learn kindness and graciousness in general. We
mother-in-laws don't have a right to be rude or unkind and neither do
daughter-in-laws. I've been both and it takes both ladies working at the
relationship in a positive way.
Nov 17, 2008 1:28 PM
Guest
:
I think most of the biggest MIL / DIL issues depends on how the son
interacts with his mother. My issues with my MIL are created by and
made worse by my husband. If he were more up front with his mother about
everything, I think we'd have a much better relationship. My MIL does
nothing except talk about herself. She never asks questions about how we
are or what we've been up to, and because of that, I feel like she must not
care that much about me or my life. I also think that the daughter in law
is always held to a much higher standard than the son. Sons tend to get
treated like little princes, the daughters are expected to be more
thoughtful, responsible and considerate. I don't have a BAD relationship
with my MIL, just not as close as she wants it. I would never just call her
out of the blue to chat, and my DH wouldn't ever call my parents to chat
either, and that's fine with me. And them. I don't want to be the
"daughter she never had" I have two wonderful parents already. I
just don't have anything in common with her other than the love of her son.
For that I will always be respectful, polite, and cordial, but I'm not
going to force a relationship with someone I have no common interests or
values with.
Nov 19, 2008 5:17 AM
Guest
:
I tend to agree with the 3rd comment down from the top. I have totally
given my son his 'space' and have been unintrusive. We don't visit unless
we're invited - and call my son 'sparingly' - maybe once every few weeks if
I haven't heard from him. They made their own wedding plans and I stayed
out of everything but offered help if they needed it. The problem is that
the comments she makes are 'off-handed' remarks....my son has a deaf ear
when she makes remarks but his hearing becomes very keen to anyone that
responds to the remarks she makes. I 'blow them off'.... but they are very
hurtful. I find her manipulative and turns on 'tears' whenever anyone even
attempts to tell her something - even nicely..... it's not worth it. I
don't want to lose my son. He will have to learn to live with her.... I
don't have to.... so I end having a very shallow relationship with her as I
don't want to start her crying over normal conversation (which makes my
son's life difficult). It's very sad. By the way, I have another
daughter-in-law that is absolutely wonderful....open, honest and can talk
in a logical way and see things from both perspectives...... it's not
always the mother-in-law's fault.
Nov 30, 2008 10:41 PM
Guest
:
oh yes!the articles written are all true..I have much respect for my
Mother-in_Law. But having read this may help me build an even stronger
relationship with her on our next vacation to their place..
Dec 15, 2008 2:43 AM
Guest
:
I have experienced in-laws disrespect their daughter-in-laws, make up lies,
try to control, verbally abuse, daily toture them and treat their kids
least than the others. It really depends the family you marry into,
including their educational level and social skills. It's a miracle any obe
survives this form of abuse and usually it ends in divorce, especially if
your hubby is a mama's boy. Good luck and only a prayer may allow you to
have a peacful life.
Jan 6, 2009 2:57 PM
Guest
:
Calling ahead, offering help and being nice is not always the way to make
relationship work with your DIL. MILs that had been depending on their sons
emotionally feel bad about another woman in the son's life. The question is
why sons choose a wives that are opposite to their mothers, not like them
at all, have different values and opinions about life, sometimes even
different religion? I did not chase or get pregnant to marry my husband. I
asked him strait "why me?" after dinner with my future MIL. I
suggested that this relationship may not work because I cannot change and
become his mother's younger double. Dear MILs, that is something for you to
think about. Why your son choose your opposite? You may not coming to see
him too much or do not talk on the phone to him too often. Maybe it has
something to do with his guilt trip in owning you for your choice to give
him life. And why the nicer your are the guiltier he feels because he left
you? You are much wise, smarter in choosing your words then your younger
opponent, enjoy your work: his depression and self denial because he does
not feel he has rights to grow in to the man. P.S. I do not hate my MIL, I
respect her for the love to her son. Why would I hate complete stranger
from firs sight? I do not hate people because they are different. But she
does.
Jan 17, 2009 12:07 PM
Guest
:
this post is interesting when compared to be a 'good mother-in-law."
It seems that the "Mother in law" status is to be 'dealt' with
and gives no credence that there actually are daughter in laws out there
that are controlling people, come into your home and take over and much
worse. There are many narcisstic women out there today, and mother in laws
are still in the catecory of "OK to discriminate against" Your
article is evidence of that - - no to 'diverse in thought" I would
say.
Jan 27, 2009 12:12 PM
Guest
:
I took my MIL on a business trip with me where there was some free time and
also shared meals. We both had a wonderful time and I was very glad she
enjoyed herself without responsibilities. I appreciate all of my husband's
family during holiday's and other get togethers. What I am wondering is if
someone has advice on what I should do about their biennial vacation
together. The crowd of people is a lot for me and we have to share a
bedroom with a family member. I find my sister-in-law is critical which
creates tension and I am torn between my husband thinking it's a free
vacation and can do what he wants and what I consider family duties since
it's a family vacation. We also enjoy drinking on our vacation and we are
looked down upon. A day or two is fine but a whole week leaves me stressed
out, sad, exhausted and overwhelmed. I really appreciate my in-laws but it
usually takes such a toll to go on this "vacation" that I am
seriously debating about not going. Should I be honest and explain my
feelings even though I don't think they'll understand? Do I suck it up and
go even though it creates resentment and hard feelings for several months
after? I don't really want to make up an excuse but perhaps that will
spare feelings?
Jan 28, 2009 4:50 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Is there a way to balance explaining your feelings without being TOO
honest? I definitely don't think anyone should do anything that makes them
resentful or angry or sad!
My first suggestion would be to find
a way to pay for your own room -- and explain that you need your privacy
and quiet time. No offense to anyone - you just need a little space! My
second suggestion is to find the balance thing: explain that the trip in
close quarters is a little too much for you, and you feel better staying
home this year. Something like that -- where you can be honest and still
not hurt feelings (though it really impossible to be honest without hurting
feelings! But, we can be kind and authentic at the same time, with
practice).
Good luck -- I hope it works out for you!
Laurie
Jan 29, 2009 9:36 AM
Guest
:
I am a future DIL and I agreed with both the DIL and MIL do's and don'ts.
I don't believe that all MIL or DIL are bad and agree that both need to
work on the relationship and try to understand each other.
In my
case I'm saddened that my future MIL and I don’t get along. I have done
the usual of listening to her advice, being as fair as possible about
splitting up holidays, sending cards, keeping her involved in our lives and
tried very hard to get along with her. It is just not working.
She tells me that she will never see her son again after we get married.
She had told me some story in her past about not allowing her husband to
see his parents because she didn’t like them. I’m not cruel enough to be
like her. I would never tell my husband not to see his family.
I am told that I am disrespectful because I won’t follow her demands for
our wedding. Please don’t get me wrong if she had an opinion on the
flowers, table linens etc she could have her way I could care less. My
future MIL is mad because she feels that my fiancé and I should be paying
for all of her guests expenses at our wedding because she attended a
wedding where all the guests’ expenses were paid for. With the help of my
parents, we are paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding and brunch
ourselves because his family has declined to help out financially or by
helping in any way. Which is fine but we just cannot afford to pay for all
of her guest’s expenses. There was the complaint that our wedding wasn’t
nice enough and would embarrass her. Again we did the best we could with
the budget that we had.
She tells me that her son has to
be with them at all holidays. At dinner she said that she doesn’t know if
her son cares about me. That it will only ever be the three of them. She
goes around telling people that we are breaking up. Recently she
threatened her son at dinner to choose either her or me right then and
there.
MIL’s please explain this to me. I feel like my
future MIL is trying to sabotage our marriage. Help! I will take any
advice because we are getting married in a few months and this is
miserable.
Feb 17, 2009 10:47 AM
Guest
:
My advise is, if your future mother/father-in-law is intrusive, abusive,
nasty insert your negative characteristic here, make sure it is dealt with
before you are married or RUN for your life. It will only get worse. If
your partner won't or can't step up now they won't once you are married,
either. If you are planning on marrying an only child attached to their
parents hips, triple the torture.
Feb 22, 2009 11:21 PM
Guest
:
Thank goodness for this article - I now know that I am not going crazy. My
fiance's mum is the most annoying type ever. She appears to try to help but
she has those back handed comments that my fiance doesn't think are
harmless but they're personal attacks on me. She's like the mother from
Everone loves Raymond (all her sons have said so too) She has 4 sons and my
fiance is her second one who she says has always been her
"protector" and when I first met her she said that if she weren't
my fiance's mother and if she was 25 years younger - she'd be with him (HOW
GROWSE!) EVERYTHING is about her, even the birth of our daughter (3
weeks ago - she's adorable :)When I went into labour the midwives at the
hospital actually asked her to stop asking questions and to leave them to
attend to me(how embarassing!) She is menopausal but refuses to take her
pills as they make her fat, so she's sarcastic and narky quite a bit. She
calls my fiance EVERY day and it doesn't help that he's a mummy's boy
either - everytime he goes out to do shopping or run errands by himself he
goes over to his mum's place and I am hating him for that but no matter how
much I speak to him about it - he continues to do so. He insists that he's
not a mummy's boy but even his brothers say he is. We spoke about how
easy it is for the MIl/DIL relationship to go sour and we said that we'd
have open communication but open communication to her means that she
listens to my request to call before she comes over but still just drops in
whenever (usually every 2-3 days) and its driving me crazy! She manipulates
and guilts my fiance into things and he is finally opeing his eyes to her
behaviour. since he is starting to keep a bit of distance between them (not
calling her every day, not telling her everything about us), she has been
sulky and moody - which I just ignore - I still treat her with respect and
dignity. My fiance and I stayed over at her place for Christmas last
year and guess who she invited - his ex girlfriend! Crazy woman!
Mar 4, 2009 10:18 PM
Guest
:
I would just like to add that many daughters-in-law will find out how
difficult it is to be a mother-in-law when they become one themselves! I
believe that I have made every effort to be a good mother-in-law, but I
rarely get a phone call, don't feel cared for (when I was in the hospital I
didn't get a call!. What I am looking for is common courtesy.
Mother-in-laws have been the butt of jokes for years and while I appreciate
many of the comments and advice in these articles, I feel that people have
lost much in the last few decades in the areas of civility and just plain
old manners. What a shame!
Apr 8, 2009 6:46 PM
Guest
:
I was reading this and wishing for a moment that my D-I-L would read some
of these suggestions. She not only treats my other D-I-L like she was
invisible she treats does not even acknowledge my other sons children.
Both sons are in the military and she has even tried to convince my son
that he was never that close to his brother. She has stopped talking me to
for a year and on other occasions for no particular reason. I have even
asked her why and she will say "you should know". We visited my
other sons family and did not speak to him or his wife and tried everything
to keep her daughters from being with my other sons kids. My other
daughter in law would make dinner and she would say they already ate. They visited us once, she was in the car with my niece, her girls and I,
my husband and my son were in my husbands new Mustang and she made my son
get out of the car and ride with her, I rode with my husband. She does
not allow her daughters to have friends and my son must spend every waking
minute with his daughters when he is home to the point of going to bed with
them at 8:30 in the evening and not being able to get on the computer. I
know my son is whipped and we have tried to gently tell him that he is
pulling away more from his family everyday. My son was the most friendly
person before and now he has no friends, He made alot of friends when they
moved to another town and when she joined him she managed to alienate all
his friends and now they have none, he MUST spend all his time with his
family. No friends allowed. I am at my wits end.
Jun 2, 2007
