How to be a Great Daughter in Law

Building a Good Relationship With Your Husband's Mother

Jun 2, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

It's not always the mother in law's fault when in law relationships are rocky! Here's how to be a great daughter in law to your husband's mother.

Learning how to be a great daughter in law to your husband's mother can be easier than you think. If you want to build a good relationship with your mother in law (or even just have a civil conversation), read on......and you may be saying "I love you" to your mother in law sooner than you think!

These "daughter in law do's and don't's" could give you a great relationship with your husband's mother. Getting along with your mother in law may be easier than you think, especially if you're clear and firm about your expectations. Building a good relationship with your mother in law is easier if you're nice to her.

To be a great daughter in law, DO:

1. Be clear, honest, and calm with both your husband and mother in law about your needs and desires. To be a great daughter in law, be honest.
2. Gracefully and humbly admit it if you've made a mistake, such as expecting too much or trying to control your husband's mother's actions or personality.
3. Respect your mother in law's opinions, wisdom, age, and experience. Build a good relationship with your husband's mother listening to her.
4. Stay away from your in laws if they could harm or abuse you or your children.
5. Have a "party line" and stick to it ("We chose to spend the money this way and we stand by our decision," said calmly and repeatedly will eventually dissuade even the most stubborn mother in law).
6. Let your husband – her son – discuss big issues with her. As the daughter in law, stand back. Encourage him to set and maintain boundaries, such as calling before visiting.
7. Call your mother in law just to say hi. Being a great daughter in law starts with being thoughtful.
8. Be firm that your mother in law respects your wishes. If she shows up uninvited despite your request to call first, gently turn her away. You may be her daughter in law but you can stick to your guns!
9. Stand up for yourself if your mother in law criticizes your appearance, house, or parenting style. Point out remarks you think are unfair or unnecessary when they happen (not months later, or to your husband that night).
10. Enlist your husband's support in standing up for yourself. Building a good relationship with you mother in law involves getting support.
11. Stick to your decisions as wife, mother, and daughter in law.
12. Be considerate of health concerns of your mother in law, such as depression, failing physical health, and fears of aging. A great daughter in law cares about other people's health.
13. Be consistently clear that your mother in law is not in control of your home, children, or husband.
14. Be patient in the face of hostility, silence, or rejection. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires patience.
15. Show respect and compassion to your husband's mother even when you don't feel like it.
16. Learn the difference between "help" and "control". Help is lending money; control is dictating how it's spent. Build a good relationship with your mother in law by focusing on helping or being helped.
17. Realize that being firm and clear about your wishes won't ruin your relationship. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother requires work!
18. Pay attention to your mother in law's needs and wishes. A great daughter in law considers others' desires.
19. Ask your mother in law to join your world! Invite her to take a walk, yoga class, or art gallery tour with you. Change your environment, and you may change your daughter in law relationship.
20. Accept that personality conflicts happen, and learn to live with differences of opinion, perspective, and culture. A great daughter in law knows and accepts who she is.

To be a great daughter in law, DON'T:

1. Tell mother in law jokes unless they're positive.
2. Offer excuses or rationalizations to your husband's mother. Stand by your decisions and choices.
3. Get drawn into arguments, debates, or screaming matches. A great daughter in law lets things go.
4. Let little things bother you. If your mother in law refuses to go to your place for the holidays, then enjoy the relaxation of not hosting.
5. Expect your mother in law and husband to read your mind. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires honesty.
6. Be afraid to apologize. A great daughter in law says "I'm sorry, I was wrong," when necessary.
7. Expect an apology from your husband's mother in return. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires no expectations.
8. Let your mother in law's assessment of you color your self-perspective as a daughter in law or woman. You can't control what others think; you can only be who you are and live up to your own standards.
9. Be swayed by complaints, comparisons, or nagging from your husband's mother.
10. Be rude, critical, or overly sensitive to your mother in law.
11. Criticize your in laws in front of your children. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother means that you don't cut others down.
12. Let your happiness depend on other people. A great daughter in law is happily self-sufficient.

Being a great daughter in law means being yourself. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother can supersede even your own mother-daughter bond - and it can even outlast your marriage!

If you found How to be a Great Daughter in Law helpful, try:

• How to be a Great Mother in Law
• 7 Ways to Make People Like You
• Psychological Bullying
• 8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress

The copyright of the article How to be a Great Daughter in Law in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How to be a Great Daughter in Law in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

How to be a Great Daughter in Law

22 Comments

Comments

Oct 11, 2008 2:57 AM

Guest :

Very nice and very common sense-like, if I may say so! I really enjoyed and I completely agree with it.
A future daughter in law...

Nov 7, 2008 2:41 PM

Guest :

I just wish I were mature enough to let things go and actually want to know my mother in law. I'm in a pretty miserable situation. We are moving to the coast in a year so maybe the distance will help.

Nov 9, 2008 8:17 AM

Guest :

Still another article portraying mother-in-laws as intrusive, pushy people. We're not all that way. Why not an article teaching daughter-in-laws to be considerate and kind to their mother-in-laws. Daughter-in-laws can be extremely judgmental, demanding, jealous, ungrateful, and rude. I've never gone to my daughter-in-laws house uninvited or without calling first. I'm very contentious about not giving advice or comments. I don't react to her cutting remarks or her lack of graciousness when I give her a gift. This generation needs to learn kindness and graciousness in general. We mother-in-laws don't have a right to be rude or unkind and neither do daughter-in-laws. I've been both and it takes both ladies working at the relationship in a positive way.

Nov 17, 2008 1:28 PM

Guest :

I think most of the biggest MIL / DIL issues depends on how the son interacts with his mother.
My issues with my MIL are created by and made worse by my husband. If he were more up front with his mother about everything, I think we'd have a much better relationship.
My MIL does nothing except talk about herself. She never asks questions about how we are or what we've been up to, and because of that, I feel like she must not care that much about me or my life. I also think that the daughter in law is always held to a much higher standard than the son. Sons tend to get treated like little princes, the daughters are expected to be more thoughtful, responsible and considerate. I don't have a BAD relationship with my MIL, just not as close as she wants it. I would never just call her out of the blue to chat, and my DH wouldn't ever call my parents to chat either, and that's fine with me. And them.
I don't want to be the "daughter she never had" I have two wonderful parents already. I just don't have anything in common with her other than the love of her son. For that I will always be respectful, polite, and cordial, but I'm not going to force a relationship with someone I have no common interests or values with.

Nov 19, 2008 5:17 AM

Guest :

I tend to agree with the 3rd comment down from the top. I have totally given my son his 'space' and have been unintrusive. We don't visit unless we're invited - and call my son 'sparingly' - maybe once every few weeks if I haven't heard from him. They made their own wedding plans and I stayed out of everything but offered help if they needed it. The problem is that the comments she makes are 'off-handed' remarks....my son has a deaf ear when she makes remarks but his hearing becomes very keen to anyone that responds to the remarks she makes. I 'blow them off'.... but they are very hurtful. I find her manipulative and turns on 'tears' whenever anyone even attempts to tell her something - even nicely..... it's not worth it. I don't want to lose my son. He will have to learn to live with her.... I don't have to.... so I end having a very shallow relationship with her as I don't want to start her crying over normal conversation (which makes my son's life difficult). It's very sad. By the way, I have another daughter-in-law that is absolutely wonderful....open, honest and can talk in a logical way and see things from both perspectives...... it's not always the mother-in-law's fault.

Nov 30, 2008 10:41 PM

Guest :

oh yes!the articles written are all true..I have much respect for my Mother-in_Law. But having read this may help me build an even stronger relationship with her on our next vacation to their place..

Dec 15, 2008 2:43 AM

Guest :

I have experienced in-laws disrespect their daughter-in-laws, make up lies, try to control, verbally abuse, daily toture them and treat their kids least than the others. It really depends the family you marry into, including their educational level and social skills. It's a miracle any obe survives this form of abuse and usually it ends in divorce, especially if your hubby is a mama's boy. Good luck and only a prayer may allow you to have a peacful life.

Jan 6, 2009 2:57 PM

Guest :

Calling ahead, offering help and being nice is not always the way to make relationship work with your DIL. MILs that had been depending on their sons emotionally feel bad about another woman in the son's life. The question is why sons choose a wives that are opposite to their mothers, not like them at all, have different values and opinions about life, sometimes even different religion? I did not chase or get pregnant to marry my husband. I asked him strait "why me?" after dinner with my future MIL. I suggested that this relationship may not work because I cannot change and become his mother's younger double. Dear MILs, that is something for you to think about. Why your son choose your opposite? You may not coming to see him too much or do not talk on the phone to him too often. Maybe it has something to do with his guilt trip in owning you for your choice to give him life. And why the nicer your are the guiltier he feels because he left you? You are much wise, smarter in choosing your words then your younger opponent, enjoy your work: his depression and self denial because he does not feel he has rights to grow in to the man. P.S. I do not hate my MIL, I respect her for the love to her son. Why would I hate complete stranger from firs sight? I do not hate people because they are different. But she does.

Jan 17, 2009 12:07 PM

Guest :

this post is interesting when compared to be a 'good mother-in-law." It seems that the "Mother in law" status is to be 'dealt' with and gives no credence that there actually are daughter in laws out there that are controlling people, come into your home and take over and much worse. There are many narcisstic women out there today, and mother in laws are still in the catecory of "OK to discriminate against" Your article is evidence of that - - no to 'diverse in thought" I would say.

Jan 27, 2009 12:12 PM

Guest :

I took my MIL on a business trip with me where there was some free time and also shared meals. We both had a wonderful time and I was very glad she enjoyed herself without responsibilities. I appreciate all of my husband's family during holiday's and other get togethers. What I am wondering is if someone has advice on what I should do about their biennial vacation together. The crowd of people is a lot for me and we have to share a bedroom with a family member. I find my sister-in-law is critical which creates tension and I am torn between my husband thinking it's a free vacation and can do what he wants and what I consider family duties since it's a family vacation. We also enjoy drinking on our vacation and we are looked down upon. A day or two is fine but a whole week leaves me stressed out, sad, exhausted and overwhelmed. I really appreciate my in-laws but it usually takes such a toll to go on this "vacation" that I am seriously debating about not going. Should I be honest and explain my feelings even though I don't think they'll understand? Do I suck it up and go even though it creates resentment and hard feelings for several months after? I don't really want to make up an excuse but perhaps that will spare feelings?

Jan 28, 2009 4:50 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Is there a way to balance explaining your feelings without being TOO honest? I definitely don't think anyone should do anything that makes them resentful or angry or sad!

My first suggestion would be to find a way to pay for your own room -- and explain that you need your privacy and quiet time. No offense to anyone - you just need a little space! My second suggestion is to find the balance thing: explain that the trip in close quarters is a little too much for you, and you feel better staying home this year. Something like that -- where you can be honest and still not hurt feelings (though it really impossible to be honest without hurting feelings! But, we can be kind and authentic at the same time, with practice).

Good luck -- I hope it works out for you!

Laurie

Jan 29, 2009 9:36 AM

Guest :

I am a future DIL and I agreed with both the DIL and MIL do's and don'ts. I don't believe that all MIL or DIL are bad and agree that both need to work on the relationship and try to understand each other.

In my case I'm saddened that my future MIL and I don’t get along. I have done the usual of listening to her advice, being as fair as possible about splitting up holidays, sending cards, keeping her involved in our lives and tried very hard to get along with her. It is just not working.

She tells me that she will never see her son again after we get married. She had told me some story in her past about not allowing her husband to see his parents because she didn’t like them. I’m not cruel enough to be like her. I would never tell my husband not to see his family.

I am told that I am disrespectful because I won’t follow her demands for our wedding. Please don’t get me wrong if she had an opinion on the flowers, table linens etc she could have her way I could care less. My future MIL is mad because she feels that my fiancé and I should be paying for all of her guests expenses at our wedding because she attended a wedding where all the guests’ expenses were paid for. With the help of my parents, we are paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding and brunch ourselves because his family has declined to help out financially or by helping in any way. Which is fine but we just cannot afford to pay for all of her guest’s expenses. There was the complaint that our wedding wasn’t nice enough and would embarrass her. Again we did the best we could with the budget that we had.

She tells me that her son has to be with them at all holidays. At dinner she said that she doesn’t know if her son cares about me. That it will only ever be the three of them. She goes around telling people that we are breaking up. Recently she threatened her son at dinner to choose either her or me right then and there.

MIL’s please explain this to me. I feel like my future MIL is trying to sabotage our marriage. Help! I will take any advice because we are getting married in a few months and this is miserable.

Feb 17, 2009 10:47 AM

Guest :

My advise is, if your future mother/father-in-law is intrusive, abusive, nasty insert your negative characteristic here, make sure it is dealt with before you are married or RUN for your life. It will only get worse. If your partner won't or can't step up now they won't once you are married, either. If you are planning on marrying an only child attached to their parents hips, triple the torture.

Feb 22, 2009 11:21 PM

Guest :

Thank goodness for this article - I now know that I am not going crazy. My fiance's mum is the most annoying type ever. She appears to try to help but she has those back handed comments that my fiance doesn't think are harmless but they're personal attacks on me. She's like the mother from Everone loves Raymond (all her sons have said so too) She has 4 sons and my fiance is her second one who she says has always been her "protector" and when I first met her she said that if she weren't my fiance's mother and if she was 25 years younger - she'd be with him (HOW GROWSE!)
EVERYTHING is about her, even the birth of our daughter (3 weeks ago - she's adorable :)When I went into labour the midwives at the hospital actually asked her to stop asking questions and to leave them to attend to me(how embarassing!) She is menopausal but refuses to take her pills as they make her fat, so she's sarcastic and narky quite a bit. She calls my fiance EVERY day and it doesn't help that he's a mummy's boy either - everytime he goes out to do shopping or run errands by himself he goes over to his mum's place and I am hating him for that but no matter how much I speak to him about it - he continues to do so. He insists that he's not a mummy's boy but even his brothers say he is.
We spoke about how easy it is for the MIl/DIL relationship to go sour and we said that we'd have open communication but open communication to her means that she listens to my request to call before she comes over but still just drops in whenever (usually every 2-3 days) and its driving me crazy! She manipulates and guilts my fiance into things and he is finally opeing his eyes to her behaviour. since he is starting to keep a bit of distance between them (not calling her every day, not telling her everything about us), she has been sulky and moody - which I just ignore - I still treat her with respect and dignity.
My fiance and I stayed over at her place for Christmas last year and guess who she invited - his ex girlfriend! Crazy woman!

Mar 4, 2009 10:18 PM

Guest :

I would just like to add that many daughters-in-law will find out how difficult it is to be a mother-in-law when they become one themselves! I believe that I have made every effort to be a good mother-in-law, but I rarely get a phone call, don't feel cared for (when I was in the hospital I didn't get a call!. What I am looking for is common courtesy. Mother-in-laws have been the butt of jokes for years and while I appreciate many of the comments and advice in these articles, I feel that people have lost much in the last few decades in the areas of civility and just plain old manners. What a shame!

Apr 8, 2009 6:46 PM

Guest :

I was reading this and wishing for a moment that my D-I-L would read some of these suggestions. She not only treats my other D-I-L like she was invisible she treats does not even acknowledge my other sons children. Both sons are in the military and she has even tried to convince my son that he was never that close to his brother. She has stopped talking me to for a year and on other occasions for no particular reason. I have even asked her why and she will say "you should know". We visited my other sons family and did not speak to him or his wife and tried everything to keep her daughters from being with my other sons kids. My other daughter in law would make dinner and she would say they already ate.
They visited us once, she was in the car with my niece, her girls and I, my husband and my son were in my husbands new Mustang and she made my son get out of the car and ride with her, I rode with my husband.
She does not allow her daughters to have friends and my son must spend every waking minute with his daughters when he is home to the point of going to bed with them at 8:30 in the evening and not being able to get on the computer. I know my son is whipped and we have tried to gently tell him that he is pulling away more from his family everyday. My son was the most friendly person before and now he has no friends, He made alot of friends when they moved to another town and when she joined him she managed to alienate all his friends and now they have none, he MUST spend all his time with his family. No friends allowed. I am at my wits end.

Jul 12, 2009 7:56 AM

Guest :

very nice advices, but how can I make boundaries if my husband refuses to do, if I am forced to visit them several times a week and for hours!!! forced to join them in every single event, holiday, new year's eve, ... and when i complain his answer is I like to be with my family! for him it's never enough. I cannot have an independant life, I cannot live my life the way I want. of course not to mention the things I have to face when I am with my MIL from criticism, comments, interfering in the way I raise my child,.... can anyone tells me what's the normal frequency for a married couple to be with their families?

Jul 13, 2009 8:15 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

That's a great question -- about setting boundaries with your in-laws -- and there aren't any easy answers! I tackled it in my Psychology Blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Much Time Should I Spend With My In-Laws?"

I hope to see you there!

Laurie

Sep 24, 2009 1:15 PM

Guest :

ive tried everything in that list. my in-laws are just judgmental racist people that talk behind my back and are fake in my face. I would have more respect for them if they were true in my face

Oct 4, 2009 8:00 PM

Guest :

oh how i need help! we are living with my in laws while looking for a house. we recently just had a baby. all my MIL has said since i met her is how she wants g-kids. while i was pregnant i mentioned the possiblity of her watching the baby while i was at work. She stated that she had raised her kids. i thought she'd be thrilled?!
the whole time i was pregnant she'd make comments about me not allowing her to touch my belly LIKE you can feel anything anyways. i didn't let anyone touch me so it wasn't a personal thing. Now that our little one is here she is constantly going in the baby's room, picking him up and talking to the baby while he's asleep. This infuriates me. he's sleeping! While i was at the doctors office the doctor stated that we should not hold the baby all day everyday, when i conveyed this to my MIL, she got irritated and made some comment about holding her son all the time and he turned out fine. The final straw was the other day. my MIL questioned me as to why i keep the baby's door shut. she looked peaved & asked if it was because i was trying to keep her from going in there and picking up the baby. While that is not the case, we have dogs who bark and a cat that i'm afraid will get in with the baby. ofcourse i told my husband about how she acused me and he said nothing. then asks me today why i have a problem with his mom.

regardless of the fact we all live together, i am still the mom and don't feel that i should have to explain myself to her about my parenting skills.

My MIL has 2 other daughters with whom she is very close, they talk every day,go shopping, or to lunch & mostimes find myself being left out or uninvited. my MIL is not like my mom at all. my mom & i talk but it's not life & death if we don't talk everyday.

My MIL & FIL have a VERY "comfortable" lifestyle, my parents are working class, and both hold full time jobs. i feel sometimes i get looked down upon. How can i explain to her how i feel without making things worse?

Oct 4, 2009 11:30 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

The difficulty is living with your mother in law – it’s exceedingly difficult to set boundaries and raise your child the way you think best when you live in the same house!

You’re right – you shouldn’t have to explain your parenting skills, whether you live with your mother in law or not. But, she feels like she has more rights because you’re living in her house and you and your hubby are her “children”, which gives her feelings of dominance.

My first suggestion is to find your own place as soon as possible.

Secondly, I suggest getting books on asserting yourself with your family and in laws. There are ways to stand up for yourself – even if you live with your mother in law! But, I can’t list all those ways here, it’s too much for this comments section. You need to look for books on assertive communication skills and handling difficult people. You might find some good resources on the internet, but my first recommendation is books.

Also, remember that it takes time to “train” people how to treat you. It’s not like you’ll be able to tell her once and she’ll understand and back off….like with raising kids, you’ll have to repeat yourself until she finally gets it. And, you need to expect that she’ll push your boundaries because she wants you to behave the way she wants! (just like kids do).

Good luck!

Laurie

Oct 22, 2009 8:43 PM

Guest :

in regards to the 5th one down. You sound like my MIL, she is the one causing all the problems and allows her other dil to cause them to and my husband and i are not to say anything. My in-laws the week of my wedding tried to bust my husband and i up. i was told to go the hell on and leave their son alone. and then was told by mil that it was sorry of me to try to make my husband choose and she was the one that told him he needed to decide who was more important. she always tries to make him choose and then blaims it on me and i have never tried to make him choose between us. i just told him not expect me to around her anymore that i know when i am not welcomed and so he said if i wasn't welcomed or felt that i wasn't then neither was he because hes in this for better or worse and he didn't care if she ever approved of me because it would never change how he feels about me.

22 Comments