People pleasers can't say no without feeling guilty or "bad." Here are three ways to balance your needs with the needs of others, and how to stop being a people pleaser!
Have you ever wondered how to stop being a people pleaser - or even what a people pleaser is? Look no further!
People pleasers tend to take responsibilities that aren't theirs, such as doing the dishes at home or preparing additional reports at work. People pleasers can't say no without feeling guilty. They don't know how to stop being people pleasers.
To Stop Being a People Pleaser, Know How it Begins
Sometimes people pleasers are expected to fulfill a need or a request that hasn’t even been made. Or, people pleasers step in and take responsibilities that aren’t theirs to begin with. Instead of jumping to fill a need, it would be healthier for people pleasers to say no without feeling guilty. To stop being people pleasers, they need to figure out where healthy boundaries begin and end. To stop being people pleasers, they need to say no without feeling guilty.
Knowing how to say no without guilt is a common problem for women, who are frequent people pleasers. Here's how to know if you're letting people trample your boundaries - and how to stop being a people pleaser.
Find Your Motivation
What's holding you back from saying no without feeling guilty? To learn how to stop being a people pleaser, it may help to look at your life objectively. For instance, I get up every morning at 5:30 am to make my husband’s oatmeal and set his lunch out so he can catch the 6:30 ferry to work in Vancouver. He’s never asked me to do this; it’s a choice I’ve made since the beginning of our marriage. I actually like doing it because it helps him, and after he leaves I write for a couple hours before I get ready for work – so it’s one of those win-win’s. I do it because I want to, which makes me feel I'm in control. I don't struggle with saying no without guilt in this area.
However, the thought of washing his oatmeal container when he comes home, or making his lunch, or ironing his clothes – all of those “wifely” tasks make me want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish (an Anne Lamott pearl of wisdom!). If I let myself be responsible for those chores I’ll feel angry, frustrated, and suffocated, not to mention bitter and resentful. Learning how to stop being a people pleaser involves insight into your own emotions.
3 Ways People Pleasers Can Set Healthy Boundaries
Learning how to say no without feeling guilty is a huge way to stop being a people pleaser.
1. To stop being a people pleaser, make deliberate choices. The trick is what you “let yourself” be responsible for – and you do have control. You can and should exercise your power of choice. If you choose to meet someone’s needs out of love or compassion (eg, I could give up running on vacation to ease my fellow traveler’s mind), then your boundaries aren’t invaded – and feelings of anger, frustration or resentment shouldn’t come into play. If they do, then you need to check your motivation. Instead of getting mad, practice saying no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need lots of practice!
2. To stop being a people pleaser, gain self-knowledge. Get and stay in touch with your “I’m not comfortable” feelings. If you feel bitter and resentful when you agree to take on extra work at home or work, then you need to be honest with the people involved. It's not their responsibility to protect your healthy boundaries; it's yours. Find another way to accomplish the task, and/or give the responsibility back to its rightful owner. I knew complying with my friend’s request – not exercising on vacation – would make me angry and resentful, so I didn’t quit running on the street. It wasn't easy but I said no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to know yourself.
3. To stop being a people pleaser, have courage. Saying no without feeling guilty can be difficult, especially when it involves people you love, work with, or have to travel with for another two weeks. But if saying yes makes you resentful or bitter, you need to learn how to say no without guilt – and you don’t have to explain why or offer excuses. A simple “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that,” will do. Ignore your guilt! I told my fellow traveler that I understand her concerns, but I really need to keep running for my physical, mental, and emotional health. People pleasers need to stand up for themselves. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to be strong.
To stop being a people pleaser, you must make conscious choices, dip into your self-knowledge, and have the courage say no without feeling guilty. Knowing how to stop being a people pleaser can be difficult, but it's better than feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy! Your relationships will be better in the long run -- and so will your mental health -- if you learn how to stop being a people pleaser.
If you found How to Stop Being a People Pleaser helpful, you may also enjoy:
The copyright of the article How to Stop Being a People Pleaser in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How to Stop Being a People Pleaser in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I am glad I read this article after 3 years of being a People Pleaser,
having no courage to say "NO - I cannot do it." But I
decided I will stand up to make the courage to say "NO". Thank you for this article. It has saved me from an EnergyVampire! Annie
Feb 26, 2009 10:39 PM
Guest :
I always thought I didn't care what people thought. But I can not say
no to any request without feeling guilty. I am going to practice
saying " sorry I can't help you with that" Thanks for the
tip!! I am being asked to drive someone every week to a meeting I am
going to, but it would take an extra 45 minutes for me to do this. Other
people in the group don't understand why I can't do this since I live the
closest to this person. But I don't want this responsibility and I will
resent the person if they badger me into doing it. I was just planning
on quiting so I wouldn't have to do this, now I hope I can firmly say
NO!! Thanks
Mar 16, 2009 8:06 AM
Guest :
What about if you are not only a people pleaser which my mom told me last
night I have been for 43 of my 44 years but you also cannot handle any type
of confrontation? I have been married 26 years and if we have had 5
arguements in all those years that is alot. I just keep my mouth closed no
matter what is said to me or about me.
Mar 16, 2009 10:24 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I think you need to learn how to handle confrontation before you can stop
being a people pleaser! There are various ways to learn how to stand up
for yourself and be assertive: workshops, classes, books, counseling...
Learning to express what you think and feel also requires healthy
self-confidence and self-esteem. People who can't share their true feelings
may not feel that their thoughts are worth communicating or that they
themselves are worth being heard.
Maybe the time has come for
you to learn how to tap into what you think and feel, and how to express it
in healthy ways....it'll be a challenge after all this time, and the people
in your life may be uncomfortable and even unhappy, but....you have to
decide if it's time for you to let your true self shine.
And it
takes PRACTICE. It's not like you can read a book about successful
confrontation, and voila! you can stand up for yourself! Even people who
are assertive and comfortable with confrontation can feel awkward and make
mistakes....so go easy on yourself as you practice how to confront people,
and how not to be a people pleaser.
Good luck -- and do follow
the links at the end of my article above. Many are about self-identity,
life goals, courage, etc...they might help.
Warm wishes, Laurie
Apr 5, 2009 12:20 PM
Guest :
I enjoyed your article, as I myself am struggling with being more
assertive. I'm in the military in a supervisory position and usually take
on more that I can bear. In the long run, I suffer with everyone else's
issues to include my own. When I look around for support or assistance, I
typically don't get it. My mother is a people pleaser and I believe I've
learned this trait from her. I've started saying no without feeling
guilty and it feels great! I have more time for myself, and I don't feel
guilty for taking time out for me. I'm due to move to another post soon and
I'm looking forward to starting over, the right assertive way! It's been my
experience that people will only do what you allow them to. Thank you so
much! Sincerely and Assertively, US Military Member
May 13, 2009 1:56 PM
Guest :
im a nurse and deal and deal with alot of stressed out and down right evil
coworkers. i have a problem with confrontation and saying no. i just let
them have their way just to avoid an argument but i feel lousey afterward
and beat myself up for not standing up for my self. im not a child im a
38yr old women i dont like being talked down to. i need some help with
learning to speak out and not worrying about the aftermath.
May 13, 2009 5:05 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
As a nurse, you probably already know that the first step to solving a
problem - whether it's severe tummyaches or the "people pleaser
disease" - is to identify and accept the problem.
So,
congratulations...you're one step closer to not being a people please!
Consider this: some work situations - you say you have "evil
coworkers" - are unresolvable no matter HOW assertive you are. That
is, you can be the strongest, toughest person in the world who never backs
down from confrontations with coworkers, but still find that certain
situations aren't worth the emotional energy and hassle.
So, I
suggest you figure out if your work situation is bad enough to leave.
Whether you find a new job or not, I suggest you take an
assertiveness training course in person. Books and websites are great
resources, but learning to stop being a people pleaser really requires
practicing in person, with other people.
I took a
"nonviolent communication" course with my husband once, and it
taught us how to stand up for ourselves and feelings without trampling on
the rights of others. So, you don't necessarily need an assertiveness
training course -- many communication classes have assertiveness tips built
right in.
You could also consider counseling, to find the root
of your "people pleaser disease." Sometimes just knowing why
you're reluctant to stand up for yourself and express your feelings
helps....but you still need to practice it. It takes time to learn how to
talk to people openly and honestly, without being aggressive or
defensive.
I hope this helps a little, and I welcome your
thoughts!
Laurie
May 19, 2009 4:48 PM
Guest :
Hello Laurie I really enjoyed this article and would love to add a
link to this from 'Heart Sisters', my blog about women and heart disease:
http://www.myheartsisters.org
I am a heart attack survivor and
a 2008 graduate of the Mayo Clinic Science & Leadership Symposium for
Women with Heart Disease in Rochester, Minnesota - the first Canadian ever
invited to attend! Since returning to Victoria, I have done a number of
presentations to women about our #1 killer.
A common theme
both among female heart attack survivors and womenin my audiences is this
compulsion we seem to have to 'not make a fuss'. My own heart attack
happened on a plane from Ottawa to Victoria - yet at no time did I feel the
need to tell the flight attendants that I was in serious trouble. I
certainly didn't want to be one of those passengers they have to turn the
plane around for!
I almost died - because I was so concerned
about not being a bother to other people around me! My mission now is to
help other women avoid suffering what happened to me because I was too much
worried about others instead of myself!
Thanks! Carolyn
Thomas
Jul 22, 2009 2:28 PM
Guest :
I have known that I am co dependent and have been working the 12 steps. It
seems I have such a great tendency to know exactly what people are thinking
and how they will react. This type of behavior just wears me out. At
times I can let it go and other times....like now...it consumes me. Saying
what I really think or feel scares me as I always wonder if that person
will like me or will have anything to do with me again. It's that
approval/love thing. Once I started backing off the program and not going
to meetings or working the steps things resurfaced again. I'm back at it
and hoep to feel better. This co dependency thing can really wear you
out! Janice
Sep 6, 2009 10:27 PM
Guest :
Fatima- Saudi Arabia
.... the article really touches my
heart .. we can's say no , because we always fear what will people think of
us as uncooperative, we fear we lose their relationship , love or lose
their help in future whenever needed.. in deed , if we respect & care
for our self & time & feeling , people will do the same & vice
versa we should really ask our self.. are we doing this just to satisfy
people , or because they are really in need of this help . the issue is
different .. we have also to refer back to our goals & time table, if
this will waste our time & does not go inline with our goals ,, I think
this time to politely say NO , this will eventually will keep dependents ,
lousy & lazy people away , they run after the people pleasure . I think
also we can use smart techniques to say no .. I remember some who deliver
presentation were asked by many to come to tier own places & deliver
his valuable presentation .. he told them he just records all in tapes
& it is available in shops , he saved his time & effort , at the
same time helps people & keeps his own relation ship unharmed
Sep 25, 2009 6:30 PM
Guest :
Hello Laurie
This is a very useful piece of article I came
across while browsing into the topic. I don't see eye to eye with my
manager at work. I think I'm a sensible person and can say no when I need
to. But I feel I can't do this since starting my new job. My manager uses
psychological manipulation to get the staff to do what she wants. I don't
have very high responsibilities but am often required to stay behind work
just to 'assist'. It seems impossible to say no, because I am made to feel
guilty. I put up with verbal abuse, humiliation of doing menial tasks, and
feel demoralised when I am 'publicly' told off by shouting. I don't know
what to do... and feel like I am losing a part of myself and don't
recognise the person the person that I have become.
I have
confronted her on one occasion but it still continues on a daily basis, and
I obviously hate going into work. I can't reason with her because her
approach is unprofessional and always thinks she is right. I'm not
mentally strong and I have no shred of self-esteem left. I want to leave
the job but it is difficult for me. But I want to be able to master myself
and prove to myself that if I ever come accross another person like that I
won't put up with it. Thats why, atleast now I don't want to leave my job
without doing justice to myself. I really would welcome some advice on this
issue.
Sep 27, 2009 8:51 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a boss like that
– life is too short to dread going to work!
I started writing my
suggestions here, but it got too long and I can’t post links to other
articles here, so I turned it into a short article on my Psychology blog.
To read it, just click on my name in blue at the top of this
page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the
right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Deal With a Boss Who Bullies? Articles
for Employees” – it’s in the September, 2009 section on the side panel.
I hope it helps, and I welcome your thoughts there or here…
