Intimate relationships can improve your life, or make it miserable! Here are seven sign signs of addictive relationships (which generally make life miserable).
These signs of addictive relationships will help you recognize an unhealthy marriage or partnership - because they can be hard to see, especially when you're in the middle of it.
Some psychologists believe that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your chances of being in a dysfunctional or addictive relationship are higher. You feel like you're not worthy of being loved so you settle for a partner who treats you badly. This could be obvious abuse or the less obvious addictive relationship.
What is an Addictive Relationship?
According to Terence Gorski in Why Do I Keep Doing That? an addictive relationship involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent. This partner (let's call him Selfish Sam - but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he's entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself. The other partner (we'll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She's simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.
About addictive relationships Gorski says, "It works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn't have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centered partners, but it's the norm."
7 Signs of Addictive Relationships
Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what's really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.
Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the "right relationship" will make everything better. Yet, they're in a disastrous addictive relationship.
Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He's using her to make him feel good, and isn't relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She's a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.
Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they're together voluntarily.
Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don't believe the other really loves them, and they don't believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they're not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.
Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.
Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.
Addictive relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that's needed to turn the addictive relationship around.
If you found 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships helpful. try:
The copyright of the article 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Wow. Succinctly put. I had to spend four years learning this with my own
"Selfish Sam"? What a waste. If you are reading this site, it's
likely you, too, are in an addictive relationship. Open your eyes, invite
others in, and take their advice... Wish I had. Dependent Donna PS: The
sky is very blue on the other side... enjoy it while you can. Get out of
there!
Oct 20, 2008 5:11 PM
Guest :
oh yeah, i done that too, i want to know how to break free though so i dont
do it again.
Oct 30, 2008 1:28 AM
Guest :
got a hard time to do that..cant help myself to stand again in a crucial
state of my life..without him.im still worrying bout tomorrow waking up
without anybody besides me,facing tomorrow alone,,sad huh?i amm..and IM
STUPID!!!!
Dec 2, 2008 7:57 AM
Guest :
I'm in an addictive relationship with my supposedly best friend.. It's so
unhealthy, I've taken the first step today to break the cycle. I know I'll
find it very hard. We would send each other up to 200 text messages a day.
I will mourn it, but know I need to get out of it. I need to be strong
enough to do it.
Dec 13, 2008 2:33 PM
Guest :
Yeah....that's me alright. I am dependent on him.
Dec 17, 2008 11:45 AM
Guest :
haha sounds like my last relationship had to cut off all comunication and
change my number i still think aabout it constantly but i know this is for
the best. did the whole texting all freakin day phone calls constantly
spending all my time with her. Its tough to go through the explosive break
up but in the end its for the best. learn from your mistakes and move on
Jan 16, 2009 12:39 PM
Guest :
I have actually "had" my own selfish sam but it made it more
addictive because he also was able to become unselfish at the right times.
I have now left him and I am now trying to deal with the withdrawals of
wanting to be with him, see him text him and talk to him. Eventhough when
I do it doesn't help. This is an extremely painful time for me, not
eating, not sleeping, can't concentrate and thinking only of him over and
over.......i need suggestions, strategies, I even think I would rather put
up with him instead of being without him. Help!
Jan 16, 2009 2:46 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
First of all -- congratulations on breaking free! You did the right thing,
my friend, and you won't regret it.
It's like quitting any
addiction...it's horribly painful at first, but it gets easier and easier
as time passes. I quit smoking many years ago, and it was so bad I was
DREAMING about having a cigarette. But I slogged through the worst times,
and I'm so glad I did...and you can too!
Tips for getting over
an addictive relationship:
Get an accountability partner or 3.
That is, enlist your friends' help in stopping you from calling him or
pining over him. Call them instead, and go to a movie, out for a run, or
for a pedicure.
Keep focusing on why you wanted to leave. Keep
remembering what was so bad about your relationship, and how hard it was on
you -- and how bad it is for you!
Okay -- this is turning into
an article! I'll write a whole article on this, and will post the link
here. I've got lots of great tips.......just give me a day to get it
written and posted.
See you soon... Laurie
Jan 18, 2009 4:58 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I just posted an article about surviving the breakup of an addictive
relationships -- it's 7 tips for overcoming the temptation to call, write,
or contact your ex).
I feel sometimes I'm Selfish Sally and sometimes I'm Dependent Debbie... is
that possible?? It's been a year and a half I'm in this addictive
relationship, and I really need to break free!! We're so good together but
in an addictive way --how contradictory that sounds, right? I will get
out of there, I dont want to, but I have to... 'cause it's true: the sky is
very blue on the other side, I'm sure....
Feb 24, 2009 7:05 AM
Guest :
Help! I am dependent debbie but lucky for me, my guy is not selfish. He
has been wonderful to me and loves me for who I am. I am from a broken
family and have always felt that I need to work for my parent's love. This
is carrying on in my relationship, as I feel the need to take care of my
guys needs (I am actually quite obsessed with him and am always trying to
win his love).
What can i do? Any advise?
Feb 24, 2009 11:05 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Read "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of
Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's all about knowing
what you are and aren't responsible for in your personal and professional
relationships -- it's fantastic!
This is a great book for
anyone, especially if you're in an addictive relationship or have an
addictive personality. Or, if you take on too much in your relationships,
or tend to smother or obsess over your partner.
Getting an
objective perspective from a qualified expert, through a book or in-person
counseling, is one of the most effective ways to create healthy
relationships.
Good luck -- and get reading! :-)
Laurie
Mar 25, 2009 2:35 PM
Guest :
I've been in a relationship with my first love, which was about 17 years
ago. When I look back I would say our relationship was very dysfunctional
and we hurt each other more than enuf. We recently had a 3 month break in
our r'ship. At first I was doing well then started to experience anxiety
about my future. We have 3 children together & I keep sacrificing alot
for them. It's difficult to talk with my partner, he avoids any
conversation by getting mad or shutting down. I'm so scared for myself
& my kids that I made a horrible decision of taking him back. I have
this awful feeling that things won't work because I already put myself in
the mode of getting over him & I'm having a hard time feelilng good
about our relationship now. What should I do? Should I continue with this
relationship? I'm not happy either way and I feel stressed either way? I
have so much hurt inside of me that I'm not able to let go of the past,
which seems to be spoiling any opportunity of moving forward. I'm so torn,
I'm not sure if I should fight for my family or move on with my children.
All I want is to be happy and content in my relationship, but right now
that seems impossible due to my insecuroties andf his unaffection. The
problem is that he does not know how to communicate in a productive manner
and i'm trying so hard to use my skills to improve the relationship. I'm so
afreaid that I'll destroy my kids if this doesn't work out, because they
seem to be so happy that their parents have reunited. I'm not sure if I can
continue walking on egg shells! HELP
Mar 26, 2009 9:46 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems -- sometimes it seems as
if there is no solution!
It'll hurt to stay, because growth and
working things out is painful. And it'll hurt to break out of this
relationship, because separation and divorce is hard on everyone - even if
both partners think it's best.
I suggest you try couples
counseling, to untangle the web. After so many years together, it's
sometimes hard for couples to see their communication and interaction
objectively...which is what a counselor can do.
If counseling
isn't an option, I suggest digging into resources for couples: books,
websites, workshops, support groups, even weekend retreats for couples.
Again, it's hard to see solutions when you're in the middle of a
relationship, especially if you've had a long history together.
I'm sorry I don't have the magic elixier that will solve all your
relationship problems! It takes hard work, open communication, honesty,
and dedication from both partners to make a marriage work...and if one
partner isn't into it, then it's awfully difficult to build a healthy,
successful relationship.
How do you know if you should fight for
your family or move on with your children? Since I don't know you, your
kids, or the whole situation, I can't say.....again, I suggest talking to
an objective person who doesn't have an agenda (your mom, sister,
mother-in-law, etc may want you to make certain decisions for their own
reasons). Be realistic about the chances of improving your relationship and
the effects on your kids...and when you make your decision, be fully
committed to it.
Best wishes, and do update me! Laurie
Apr 24, 2009 12:49 AM
Guest :
i'm currently in a relationship with a man whose not married, but he has
kids and still with his "wife" and i'am separated.i've known him
since grade school, and he's sort of my ex-husb bestfriend. we started
fooling around like 6years ago, and we ended up in bed. i felt the
"magic" that i never felt from my husband, and actually, didn't
thought that i would ever have that feeling, but to him i did. we ended
having a secret relationship, but it wasnt clear then if we were like
exclusive or not.it was the greatest time of my life.but during the 3rd (or
4th year) of our relationship, i started having an online thing with
someone else. i didnt tell him about it.during that time, he was just so
busy with other things, and i guess i just felt so lonely. not that im
making that as an excuse. anyway, i ended up having a relationship with the
other guy, i slept with him and he became my bf without my other partners
knowledge. it didnt work out, and i broke up with the other guy. but then,
my partner learned about it and he was furious. he got physically abusive
for some months and i endured it since it was my fault and i broke his
heart.he kept asking me to tell everything and i tried. i hid some of the
truth from him, knowing that he would hurt me if he learns about it, but
ended up telling and yes, he hit me almost everytime. he made me do things
with the other guy.he said he wants to know what really happened to me and
the other guy sexually. that's his way of closure.he wants to know
everything.i did almost everything and i tried to make up for everything.
we are still together now. we talked that neither one of us should get mad
if we started flirting or seeing someone else and i agreed. now he is
flirting with someone in the office. i work with him and its really
difficult seeing him with her. i feel this gut-wrenching pain almost
everyday. he saw me sad once. he told me not to be because he's affected by
it. he doesnt know that im jealous with the other girl. the other girl does
not know about me. he has not admitted that he was flirting with her, nor
have i asked him for the truth. but he goes to visit her at her desk
everytime. it's just so scary for me to hear it from him. im being
immature, i know. i'm just so confused and hurt. i can't decide whether i
should just ignore it and wait for him to come back to me. most days i just
want to cry, but i cant cry at the office. and if he sees me sad, he gets
mad and says hurtful things to me.
Apr 29, 2009 6:09 PM
Guest :
I recently; for the third time in 5 years, exited a very toxic relationship
with a man who has serious anger issues, and medicates himself often with
drugs and alcohol. He is a sterotypical narcissis. He used to be
somewhat charming, but has lost that talent as well. You know, I really
loved him. We met on an internet dating service; which I may add, I don't
need to do, and wont ever again, and actually after 12 dates, he was number
13; interesting, and I went to lunch with the intention of having a
strictly platonic relationship. That was 5 years ago. Since I have
been with him, it feels like I've lost alot. There are people in my past
that wont come back. The seven signs of an addictive relationship listed
above; we fit to a tee. I'm certain about this, I'm releived to be away
from him. He became dangerous, and on our last night living together I was
reaching for the phone to call 911, due to his violent temper, and he
tackled me for the phone. I was afraid all night, and gone the next day. He
showed up at my job on my last working day. I was disgusted to see him, and
he looked scary. I moved out of the town I moved to with him, and went back
to my home town. I know another victim awaits. I hope he stays in that
small town, and hooks up with someone from there, and hopefully she will
pull his covers, and he will learn not to mess with people. Frankly, I
doubt it; he's habitual.
Aug 18, 2009 2:57 PM
Guest :
here's what i'm going through withdrawing from an addictive relationship
which has been that way since day one... it has taken several years to
break up. i've tried literally hundreds of times. i follow through with
some break-ups better or stronger than others. first it's an emotional and
mental break-up and the very ;ast part is the physical break up, which is
just as hard as the emotional and mental break off. it physically, it
probably feels the same as the physical symptoms from drug withdrawal,
nausea, mental confusion, panic ect. but if you ride out the physical pain,
the side effects get less and less potent, nauseating, if you will. ride it
out, just like you would ride out being drunk or high, it eventually goes
away, and you start to feel better and feel the withdrawal symptoms less.
the loss of physical affection is very very difficult to overcome, but try
to make it go away, or ride it out and you'll feel okay, eventually. good
luck God Bless.
Sep 12, 2009 9:16 PM
Guest :
My husband & I are nice people but not so nice when we are together. I
have tried to leave him several times but as we have children together,
time invested & financial constraints, we stay together. He keeps
asking for me to stay...it is a cycle and now I see, an addiction we both
cannot break free from. I do not treasure separating but can't stand the
arguing. Recently, my 17 yr old daughter announced that she was never going
to get married...this came after her father and I were doing the usual
bickering. I feel like we live the play, "Who's afraid of Virginia
Wolf". I hated that play.
Sep 12, 2009 9:22 PM
Guest :
You know how I know I'm in an addictive relationship? I can't stand who I
am when I'm with him. I can vacillate btwn, being SS & DD, although I
lean more toward being SS.
Sep 26, 2009 3:02 PM
Guest :
I was in a addictive realationship, however we did the false pretense
infront of friends. One day I got tired of my selfish sam and manipulated
a break up that his ego cou;d deal with. He came back atfter I left a
somewhat changed man, is more willing and courteous of my feelings. He has
elimates of selfish behaviour however is not nearly a fraction as demanding
as he used to be. The problem now is I can't open up for fear he may turn
back into the demanding selfcentred manic he used to be. I love and
marriage is on the cards. But how can I marry him when I am afraid to
open up just incase the ugly monster rears its ugly head. This is not
helping as I end up feeling resentment towards him for his past actions, I
have never told him how I felt when he used to be so harsh in his
criticisms. The love is there but am I doing the right thing allowing
him back into my life. Truth is I have fun with him and we connect,
however I feel myself holding back through fear. He proposed to me, I
haven't taken it too seriously as he has yet to prduce a ring. I accepted
that as him excercising his right to change his mind, something he did
throughout our old relationship.
May 25, 2007
